J and I met for lunch yesterday and we both agreed that marriage is hard, and at times, painful. It is this constant refinement of who we are, the quirks and kinks, all the little character flaws in us that can prove challenging. Plus, we are supposed to stretch all the time – we are constantly inundated with situations that just beg for us to heal our brokenness in order to deal with life in a more mature, balanced and positive manner.
Why can’t I continue being this crazy woman that I am, I want to be her, I like being her… which isn’t really true for the crazy me is also the unhappy me, the me that cannot find inner peace, the me that is never satisfied, the spoilt entitled brat that refuses to grow up and wishes to reside in the Neverland of melt down mode. Life is too short to be so angsty all the time. When I really think about it, I would rather be happy, content and relatively chill about life even when I bite into a lemon slice or hit a speed bump at full speed. (At my age, I no longer have the energy nor the inclination to hold grudges by choosing to remain angry over silly little things. Sweating the small stuff is no longer my cup of tea.)
Yes, it’s true that every day (and there are no off-days) I am called to be more compassionate, more forgiving, more patient, more loving, more everything good with my spouse. He is the one I am spending the rest of my life with, so if I cannot be a good wife to him then what’s the point of marriage? If I had said yes to this vocation on our wedding day, in front of God and witnesses, then it is on me to make my marriage a good one, to honour my vows by being the best possible wife that I can be.
Now approaching my sixth year of marriage I can say that it takes wisdom, courage, forbearance in super-sized amounts, and there are some days I just feel I don’t have it in me. Then there are other days when I feel why is it me that has to change, why am I the only one in the wrong, why do I have to do all the hard work? I grumble about the sanctification process even though at the back of my mind the words my SD told me echo softly: It’s all about making you more beautiful. Do I want to be more beautiful, of course, I’m a woman, after all! But let me not lose the plot – it is all about an inner beautification process and not so much about pimping up my outward appearance.
When I look back on these almost six years, I am still profoundly grateful and in awe at how the Lord made good on the promise He made me in 2003, that of marriage and motherhood. I feel much like Sarah, long past her child-bearing years, yet still experiencing all the challenging and wonderful travails that come with the vocation of marriage and motherhood.
The Lord has seen fit to bless me with so many treasures, not just a good, good man who loves me, but great children, grandchildren and more siblings. And I am able to praise and glorify the Lord in new and varied ways, to sing new songs of love by being a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter-in-law and sister. I am tired, even frazzled, but I am also grateful, joyful, fulfilled and filled with peace. I am where I am supposed to be and I thank Jesus for always being there to lead me and stretch me so that I can enlarge my tent, stretch my curtains wide; not holding back but driving my stakes deeper (Isaiah 54:2-3). Yes, marriage can be hard, but it is also downright awesome, healing and magical.
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