Friends with benefits

It's complicated is a term you hear applied to relationships between the opposite sex more and more.

Everywhere you turn you see the dissolution of marriages and exclusive relationships due to choices that do not honour commitment or fidelity.

Everyone wants a special someone in their lives, but how we pursue love has transformed dramatically for there seems to be an amoral, hedonistic grabbing at a cheap version of love which is founded first on lust or our own neediness.

It doesn't help that the concept of friends with benefits has entered the lexicon of relationships either, whereby couples scratch each other's sexual itches while disclaiming any emotional or spiritual involvement of the mutually exclusive kind.

I recently met someone whom I found attractive but at the same time I knew instantly that there can be no future other than a possible friendship. While on some level I mourn the death of something "special" before it can even start, I also welcome the possibility of getting to know this person as a fellow human being and appreciating him as a spiritual brother.

Friendship, pure, honest and simple is not the worst option in the world. Definitely less fallout in the aftermath of its demise. And with the boundaries of mutual respect and wisdom, I stand to benefit from a relationship that is uncomplicated yet brings pleasure.

I know there will be days I wish there could be more to this infatuation, but infatuation is by definition foolish, unreasoned and a libidinal response. So I will not walk down a path that will only lead to heartbreak.

There was a time when I would have subscribed strongly to half a loaf being better than none when it comes to love, but I have come to realize (after much painful experimentation) than mouldy bread gives me a stomach upset followed by the runs and leaves me unsatisfied and hankering for more.

I now choose safe and healthy for my body loves the wellbeing good digestion brings and the joy of functional relationships without the taint of addiction.

In all relationships, there is one rule of engagement that holds me in good stead, and that is to desire the good of the other. To be a friend without focusing on my own benefit, what's in it for me. To give and receive by that act of giving, rather than to grasp and grab.

Uncomplicated is not easy I'll grant, but it sure beats complicated and watching everything come to a messy and sorry end. I will take friendship with platonic benefits anytime.

Holy balance

This afternoon I was accused by someone of being too holy and therefore I lacked balance in life. She meant it kindly so I was quite amused for I have been feeling quite the opposite lately and had only just begun to find my equilibrium again.

On the surface, I am very involved in "holy" activities, and I am not quite a deadbeat yet. However, faith and good works go hand in hand and my interior life has had me wandering aimlessly in the freezing desert night and I have been suffering from acedia, a debilitating, spiritual malaise that has impeded my ability to work or pray with joy.

Thank goodness for my "holy" activities for they have kept me from sailing over a cliff into despair.

Thank God for Saint Ignatius whose examen is invaluable for self-awareness has helped me inch my way forward; and for Blessed John Paul II whose Theology of the Body inspires me to express my sexuality with passion and verve.

I am most grateful for Scripture and the Sacraments that have given me the impetus to move toward magnanimity, for without supernatural aid, I would not have been able to extricate myself from the quicksand of acedia-like mediocrity.

One of my "holy" activities has involved attending Jeff Cavins'  Psalms, the School of Prayer, and I was blown away last evening when we covered the Penitential Psalms and the concept of sin for I could see clearly how sin was impacting me.

Cavins talks about why sin is so deadly for we often do not set out to sin and when we do sin, we are mostly unaware of our own culpability. It thus becomes like a trap we have walked into and need outside help to escape from.

He defines sin as chet, Hebrew for missing the mark; a choice we make to abuse our God-given freedom; living as though God does not exist, embodying a practical atheism; or an act disobedience.

Cavins quotes from Blessed John Paul II's Apostolic Exhortation Reconciliation and Penance in which JPII defines sin as a rupture with God, a turning away from He who sustains life and is ultimately suicidal.

Since by sinning man refuses to submit to God, his internal balance is also destroyed and it is precisely within himself that contradictions and conflicts arise. Wounded in this way, man almost inevitably causes damage to the fabric of his relationship with others and with the created world.

Every sin has both personal and social repercussions:

The mystery of sin is composed of this twofold wound which the sinner opens in himself and in his relationship with his neighbor. Therefore one can speak of personal and social sin: From one point of view, every sin is personal; from another point of view, every sin is social insofar as and because it also has social repercussions.

I had forgotten about the social effects of sin, and had only been lamenting the effects of my tidak apa* state from a personal viewpoint, wallowing alone in my zombie state.

I had dismissed how irascible and intolerant I have become, snapping at people and behaving most uncharitably to all and sundry. Even my recent fractured toe was a result of my impatience and disarrayed inner state.

As I have not been too thrilled about my recent bad behaviour, I have already been submitting with humility, in silent prayer, my desires to God. Now I can add the classic seven penitential psalms of 6, 32, 38, 51, 102, 130 and 143 to my prayer time.

Coincidentally we are in chapter nine of Landmarks which is about excessive positive and negative attachments, or addictions and aversions that curtail our inner freedom.

What I discovered was I have an excessive aversion to failure that stems from an excessive attachment to excellence. This skewed desire drives me to seek perfection and to feed my compulsion of being right all the time.

Conversely I am also a non-starter who chokes easily when she finally comes off the blocks and then gives up without a fight. I am impaled on the horns of pride and sloth simultaneously.

Last night's lesson thus reminded me of the importance and necessity of penitence. "A humble, contrite heart" that acknowledges God as the sole author of my life. For only then can I free myself from the hook of attachment and point True North, toward God; to hang in perfect balance as Christ did on the cross, He who freely chose obedience to God out of deep love for both His Father and for humanity despite knowing the grim end He would face.

For this evening's sharing, one of the reflection questions was whether we still struggle with our undesirable attachments in life once we have found a way to liberate ourselves and my answer is it is and will always be a struggle. There are neither instant nor permanent cures, and there will invariably be ups and downs in one's spiritual journey.

As for dear L, thank you for caring and I am so glad that I am finally walking out of the disorienting woods.

I can only ever wish I will be too holy.

* a state of indifference and not caring about anything in life

Saying goodbye

This week, I said goodbye to two colleagues who have become friends and it has been bitter-sweet.

While I know very well that nothing in life lasts forever, it is hard to welcome change when these are people who have brought much joy and laughter into my life, besides having taken care of me so well.

Sure, you will remain friends, and some of my dearest friends are people I have met on the job, but it is not the same.

I also mourn their departure for I feel that something that was truly special to me has ended. Letting go of this will be hard, but at the same time, I am powerless to keep things as they were. It would be futile to try and stop change, detrimental even.

If I cannot stop it, then I must learn to deal with it, much as it unsettles me. First comes the acceptance that change is fundamental to life. Thus the practice of mindfulness is a good one for it helps me not to take for granted the people I know and love on a daily basis. And to give ample thanks for their presence in my life. 

Plus, as Rick said to Ilsa in Casablanca, "We'll always have Paris," and I have memories to last me a lifetime. Even if we were never to meet again, I would carry the love and affection we have shared in my heart, and thinking on that past would always make me smile.

But as I am sure we will meet again, seeing as Singapore is not big, I look forward to creating more great memories in the near future, K and K.

So saying goodbye may not be the worst thing on earth but the inception of great possibilities, a ripening of friendship, as it has been in other workplace friendships that I have. Yet I cannot help but feel some vestigial sadness despite my positive rationalizations.

In all this, the words of Saint Teresa of Avila remind and comfort me best:

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
He who has God 
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

K and K, home girls, thank you for having been an integral part of my life this last handful of years, for being part of an "era" I hold dear. And for all the richness and order you have brought to my life, I thank you and I love you ladies. God's grace be upon you both and let's meet up and party soon.

 

Transforming choices

Women are never completely happy with the hair that they are born with. The ones born with curly hair want straight hair, and the ones with straight want curly. We spend a lot of time and money teasing, torturing our hair to make it look the way we want it, and sometimes still hating the results.

There's nothing wrong in putting some effort into looking good and thereby feeling good about oneself but there is a line which when we cross, takes us into a world of obsessive, narcissistic tendencies, and where our emotional wellbeing, based on our appearance, rises and falls like the stock market. An unhealthy state of affairs that can easily breed disordered desires.

Just as we cannot completely change physical attributes like our hair, we cannot change the circumstances of our birth, or our experiences in life. However, we can change the way we look at them, and how we then choose to act.

What may seem like constraints may become platforms for happiness.

Manfred Max-Neef classifies fundamental human needs* as subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creation, identity and freedom. Out of these needs our desires are born.

Margaret Silf talks about how we respond to our desires in chapter eight of Landmarks by either taking or giving. Do our desires (disordered) breed an inner consumerism, driving us "to suck things into ourselves", resulting in a "diminishment of the desired object"?

Or do our desires (ordered) draw a response that moves us out of ourselves into a creative relationship, whereby we surrender "something in our hearts to the power of the 'other'" leading to transformation and an enriching encounter between us and the other?

Are we grateful for the graces we have received and in turn bless others by paying it forward, for fulfilling our desires must be more than just a purely self-gratification exercise, seeing as we are social beings living on one planet together. What is good for me must be good for the other.

In my younger days, my desire for love led me to choose relationships that were self-serving, crippling and destructive to my emotional wellbeing. I was more unhappy than happy. I can now clearly see how disordered my desire for love was back then for there was no peace in my heart and I was a total mess.

My desire for love has not changed today. But what has changed is that I have chosen to give my heart to one man to lead me to a deeper understanding of my desires, the desires He has put into my heart. Call Him God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Spirit, He alone knows the inner workings of my heart and waits on me to reveal them to me, if I but ask Him and listen.

Even without husband or children, I feel loved and I experience contentment and the deep joy of having an intimate and living relationship with my Almighty. He who feeds me with "honey from the rock" and "kisses me with kisses of his mouth", with a "love more delightful than wine".

Pope Paul VI said in Gaudium et Spes that man cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of self. This is a truth I discover more and more each day. For in the sincere giving of self, I find I receive much, much more than I expect.

As Silf pointed out: "No one ever does what they don't choose to do." So amidst all our conflicting desires, we can choose to submit them to God and follow His lead. To transform our disordered desires into something that brings life, joy and beauty not just to us but to those around us.

It begins first with an acceptance of who we are, confronting our darkness and embracing our weaknesses. Learning to love the recalcitrant parts of ourselves like our hair and see the beauty of God's creation in us.

Choosing to order our desires in the light of God's love.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_human_needs

Amazing grace

I came across this definition of grace from Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book The Cost of Discipleship and it made me reflect how much of grace in my life is costly or cheap?

For although grace is a wonderful thing and I couldn't live without it, it is a word I take too lightly at times, just because grace is generous, free, totally unexpected and, most of all, completely undeserved.

Bonhoeffer wrote:

Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession, absolution without personal confession. Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.

Precisely because we know that God has already forgiven us our sins BEFORE we ask for forgiveness, there is a complacency and sometimes even a delay before we choose God's ways. We behave merely as believers and not disciples.

Costly grace confronts us as a gracious call to follow Jesus, it comes as a word of forgiveness to the broken spirit and the contrite heart. Grace is costly because it compels a man to submit to the yoke of Christ and follow him; it is grace because Jesus says: 'My yoke is easy and my burden is light.'

It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. It is costly because it condemns sin, and grace because it justifies the sinner. Above all, it is costly because it cost God the life of his Son: 'ye were bought at a price', and what has cost God much cannot be cheap for us.

Discipleship implies surrender, discipline, and at times great sacrifice, but because I have paid a high price, I now have a better appreciation of the true value of grace.

The beauty of costly grace can only be seen when it is actively sought. The beauty of inner peace, abundant joy and a storing up of faith reserves that tide me over in times of spiritual dryness or desolation.

Whether costly or cheap, God's grace is ubiquitous, and something I must be more grateful for daily.

As Elizabeth Barrett Browning put it:

Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes, The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries, And daub their natural faces unaware