Commitment happy

One of the key characteristics of a missionary disciple is the ability to embrace change, to go where the Spirit leads, often living in the mystery of life, and God, with no clear-cut answers, except an unwavering fidelity to the Lord, and a bold yes to go where few ever dare venture, time and time again.  

We celebrated Mission Sunday yesterday and I took my commitment as an Associate of the ICPE Mission here in Singapore, a change from taking my covenant as a Companion, which I did three years ago. It was a bittersweet moment, a hint of longing mixed in with the joy and eager anticipation. I will be getting married soon and the nuptial covenant will then become the primary covenant that I have chosen to undertake the rest of my life. All other covenants I will take must follow this sacramental covenant, for P and I will become one in matrimony, and we will move forward as one heart, one mind, and one voice.

It was love of my spiritual brothers and sisters, and my regard for the ICPE Mission and what it stands for, that held me back initially from making the transition from Companion to Associate. Change is hard when emotions are involved. I had to grapple hard to make the right decision in earlier weeks. Through the ICPE Mission, I encountered Jesus in such a real, intimate and profound way that I was transformed completely. I gave my life over to Jesus and have followed Him ever since. ICPE spirituality has shaped and formed my spirituality, and my spiritual and emotional maturity owes a great deal to the ICPE Mission and what it espouses, this radical love for Jesus.

When we choose to give freely and generously of ourselves to God, He responds by giving us more than we could ever have imagined, more love, more joy, more peace, just more of everything that makes life rich, fulfilling and complete. If we are faithful, He reciprocates in ways that are beyond our expectations. Jesus, my Bridegroom, has been the most tender, caring, self-giving husband a woman could ever want. He knows exactly what I need and His nurturing love has given me the confidence to fly high and be the best I could ever be in terms of living up to my human potential. His love for me knows no bounds and the gift of P in my life is a testament to that love.

Whether I am Associate or Companion, whether I am single or married, I am this unique, individual creature He made. I have not changed fundamentally. I am still the same woman who loves with all her being, who has learned to wear her feelings as a badge of honour, and to allow them to move her to small and great acts of love every day. I am the same me who strives to be a better person daily, to be as wise and compassionate as Jesus was.

I do not love my ICPE brothers and sisters any less than I did yesterday for the bonds of love forged in Christ already exist. I remain committed to the ICPE ideals of knowing Christ and making Christ known, for I still desire to bring the love and joy of God to His people, near and far. I still wish to be the catalyst that brings others back into the Father's loving arms: to reunite the prodigals, reacquaint the lost and lonely with the mercy and tenderness of God. I want to be His hands and feet, to bring comfort and healing, wherever it is needed. I aspire to enable others to have a personal and transformational encounter with Jesus as I myself first experienced all those years ago.

Jesus lives today, in our lives, and He suffers and cries together with us when we suffer and cry, as He rejoices with us when we are happy. He never abandons us, and He is always waiting for us to discover Him. This truth of Christian love never gets old for we all seek this everlasting, unconditional love, whether we recognize it or not. We all need Him in our lives, all the time, whether we acknowledge it or not. My wish is for everyone to experience the joy of this truth.

I am a missionary disciple, and if I call myself one, I must think and act like one. So I look to the future, the future He has planned for me, and I say an unqualified yes to allowing him to use me as He wills. As I wrote and signed in my commitment as Associate yesterday, this commitment reflects not only my fidelity to my soon-to-be spouse, P, and my spiritual family, ICPE Mission, but to my Lord and my God.

So whatever comes my way, I have the strength of my commitment, my yes to the One who loved me first, to propel me forward, with a smile on my face and a lightness of heart.

The mystery of joy

Seeing as how Mother Mary was instrumental in my meeting P, our courtship has been one of growing our relationship not just with each other, but with our Mother (and with Jesus, her son) as well. At every turning point she has been there to guide us on the way forward, smoothing out the rough bits, encouraging us to listen to her son, and to do as He says.

My prayer life has deepened these past months, especially as I began to pray the rosary more consistently, alongside my other preferred methods of prayer. More than ever, I need the gentle wisdom of Our Lady to navigate the uncharted waters of marriage which I am fast approaching, for having worn the independence of singlehood so long, the challenge of permanent union can be daunting. I fret, I chafe, I grumble and rumble, even as I am awed, grateful, overjoyed and healed by my relationship with P.

Recently as I prayed the Joyful Mysteries, I reflected that the events in themselves did not exactly represent joy. Or rather, joy is not a momentary, serendipitous feeling like happiness that comes from winning a lottery, or acquiring a much sought after bag at half price.

Joy requires you to work at it, to chip away with childlike trust the, at times, thorny exterior of pain and uncertainty, only to reveal the precious, gleaming kernel of Godseed within, the truth of abundant, divine love.

Joy is a process of sifting out the chaff, a movement from dark to light; from the sorrow of living in a fallen world to the redemptive grace of the Lord's mercy. Joy is saying yes to His will and His ways, even when one is unsure and fearful, or mired in grief. Joy comes from having the faith and fortitude to say Thy will be done, again and again, even when it requires sacrifice and privation, a constant dying to self.

We have only to look at the events of the Joyful Mysteries to understand the essence,of joy: the annunciation, the visitation, the nativity, the presentation at the temple and the finding of boy Jesus in the temple. All these mysteries are events, which at the time of happening, could not have evoked pure joy, with the exception of the visitation where the cousins, Mary and Elizabeth find pleasure in reunion and communion. Even so, pregnancy was not an ideal state for a single woman to find herself in.

If an angel spoke to me of an impossible situation I'd soon find myself in, I would either run away in fear, or reject the idea outright. Childbirth is painful, by all accounts, not to be combined with the unthinkable experience of giving birth next to livestock housed in a manger. I would push crazy, old Simeon away for casting a shadow on my son's important day with his dire ramblings. And I would smack my son for giving me lip after making me anxious with his disappearing act. The joy, if any, came in a rush of conflicting emotions.

So Mother Mary is to be greatly admired for being able to cut through all the fluff and arriving at the essential truth, time after time. She could only do so by maintaining a disposition receptive to the delicate nuances of the Holy Spirit's guiding hand. When she did not understand, she allowed the mystery of the moment to sit within her quietly and unfurl its petals in due course. She did not use the brute force of limited human understanding or ego to gain instant gratification. She meditated. She contemplated. She let the Father speak to her in his own words and fashion. She was open. Full of grace. Full of joy.

I have been practising Mary's receptive disposition, not always with immediate success, but I find that when one persists in prayer, the negativity that comes from nitpicky, perfectionistic expectations does give way to a more expansive and life-giving generosity. I can let go of my obstinate and legalistic views, and enjoy what I have been given.

I am able to appreciate the beauty of an imperfect human moment. And I can celebrate the fragile and temporal music I hear to sing a magnificat of praise with joy.

Prized purity

It's been a while since I have posted a blog entry, not from want of trying for I have half-written pieces of writing waiting to be finished on my iPad. It's just been a really busy period with P and I doing couple-y things such as preparing his home for me to move into after the wedding, attending social functions as a couple, getting to know each other's families better, and just us getting to know each other more and more (and loving every minute of it, even the speed bumps and detours).

Courtship is tiring, delightful as it is. It does not help that, separately, we have our own commitments, work and social, but one thing is clear, we are both focused on making time for Jesus, in spite of, or should I say, because of our relationship and all it entails.

Given my OCD tendencies, I fear that I may neglect Jesus, seeing as P does occupy a lot of my head space, taking up both my psychic and affective energy. I therefore try hard to strike the balance, going for daily mass, praying not just my devotional and intercessory prayers, but also finding the time to frequent the adoration room, and sit in silence with Jesus.

During the New Wineskins Conference last month, Father Terence spoke of the importance of setting aside one full hour to pray, especially if we are in ministry. It's not enough to pray in short bursts through the day, intoning intentionally my chosen set of daily prayer. It is imperative to reserve an hour for the Lord, to soak in His love, and know who I am in His eyes. Otherwise, I cannot engage effectively in mission. I will get exhausted under the constant barrage of bad news, things to do, and the needs of those around me. It was a good reminder.

My mission has not changed, even though I am entering into a new vocation of marriage soon. I am still called to be salt and light in the world in a particular way, to bring the joy of the Lord, the singularity of the Good News, which I, myself, experience every day, to others. Of course, given our imminent union, P and I are often the recipients of said salt and light as we spend time together, and care for each other with burgeoning affection.

When I last met my SD, he asked me what I would like to ask for before I received absolution from the Sacrament of Reconciliation, and I replied I desired a purity of heart and mind.

Being able to love P as Jesus loves Him, is of utmost importance to me. This purity I ask for is the purity of unconditional and total self-giving love.

It is the ability to love P without fear of being hurt, with naked honesty and vulnerability.

It is the courage to love P despite the despair I sometimes feel at what I perceive as obstacles or great challenges.

It is the confidence to go ahead as if I were Daniel in the lion's den, knowing full well that the Lord will protect and bless me , especially in my helplessness.

It is the simplicity of knowing that love, God's brand of love, is enough; for perfect love casts out all fears.

Purity of heart gives me the wisdom to know how to love P, but at the same time, how to safeguard the relationship against our using each other in a selfish manner.

As the relationship develops and unfolds, I am grateful P and I are united in nourishing our faith daily and in cultivating attentive and open hearts. May Mother Mary, who brought us together, continue to inspire us with her humility and her fiat, and may we heed her advice to do whatever He tells us.