Sunday, July 29, 2012

Uncovering hidden furniture

All  of us have hidden, inner furniture, hair-trigger points that can set us off without us even realizing it. We morph into crazy people and/or fall into a depressive state, wondering why life sucks so badly. We walk around in a funk, feeling drained and empty inside, driven to fill our days with manic activity.

We are now in chapter five of Margaret Silf's Landmarks, The Nettle-Bed and the Rose-Garden where we are encouraged to use the consciousness examen to help us track our moods and feelings to notice where our feelings of turmoil come from for these "feelings will have their ultimate source in something that is not of God, but has to do with our own kingdoms."

The inner furniture of our psyche mostly originate from past events that impact us negatively, sensitizing us to evoke unreasonable or extreme reactions from us that can hurt both us and the people around us when they unwittingly bump into them.

Often we are not even aware of our own adverse reactions nor are we able to pinpoint the actual triggers. There is often a huge disconnect between how we perceive reality and how others see it.

Two weeks ago A and D performed a powerful skit to show how the sometimes invisible furniture in our inner room can hold us in bondage and isolate us from the world.

As A stressed, our furniture will always remain in the living rooms of our psyche, but if we learn to live with them, keeping them in plain sight, we can eventually view them fondly as we do old friends and even use them to our advantage to help us grow as people.


"When we do not allow ourselves to be in sync with God and discover who we are, our internal structure 'WHO' becomes unstable. We then allow our experiences (inner furniture) to shape our world, making us unstable. Eventually, like the sinkhole, due to an erosion process, our top caves in. Our whole selves crumble."

Why bother acknowledging our hidden furniture and changing? Because if we don't, we will be unstable like sink holes with possible catastrophic results when we explode or implode, creating a depression in the landscape that can claim victims, ourselves included.

But if we bring them to light, we can pray specifically for wisdom to know how to deal with particular issues, the thorns in our flesh so that we can grow beyond our woundedness and become the men and women we were created to be, bold and fearless in loving, where God's power is made perfect in our weaknesses.

For it is only in God's light that truth is without bias, clear in its unvarnished state, and clear enough for us to see with the eyes of our heart, in order to make decisions with wisdom.

The recommended daily Ignatian Review of Consciousness is a powerful way to enable us to understand ourselves a little more (what are we feeling and why) and to take subsequent steps to change. What Doctor David Benner, last week, calls transformational spirituality. This is essential for there is a natural inclination to hide behind the barriers we create due to our hidden furniture.

Darkness is an uncomfortable refuge that we may have convinced ourselves is where we should stay. And yet, being in darkness drives us to pursue life in ways that may bring gratification but often without consolation. We remain in desolation, aching, hungry and yearning to be filled.

In Ignatian speak, as interpreted by Margaret Silf, desolation turns us in on ourselves, where we spiral down into negative feelings and give up on things that used to be important to us. We feel drained, isolated (even though we are the ones that cut ourselves off from others) and this negative state of being blights our entire consciousness, giving us tunnel vision and worse; we may feel like divers diving in miso soup where visibility is extremely poor.

Consolation, on the other hand, directs our focus outside and beyond ourselves. We feel connected to others and we are able to lift our hearts so that we can see the joys and sorrows of others. We have vision and new energy. We feel inspired and our creative juices flow well. There is balance and our inner vision is refreshed so that we can see where God is most active in our lives and where He is leading us.

Thus being in desolation or consolation is not the same as being unhappy or happy, neither is it directly correlated to the events of our lives but has to do more with how in tune we are to the action of God in our lives (assuming that we do desire to do God's will at all times).

A useful test to apply to our moods, Silf recommends, is to ascertain whether we feel drawn (to God in consolation) or driven (to desolation and away from God) when we respond to situations in our lives. Do we experience peace (from God), even in making difficult decisions, or do we experience unease and disquiet (not from God) when we take the convenient, easy way out.

In the innermost space of my heart, is it sinking and shrinking, turning to lead, a stone that cannot absorb the water of God's goodness (desolation) raining on it; or is my heart like a sponge, soaking up God's grace, expanding till it is big enough to contain other peoples' needs and light enough to fly to God (consolation)?

If we are able to track our moods, to see where we experience desolation and consolation, then we will be able to identify our inner furniture and use tools like cognitive behavioural therapy to effect change.

Most importantly the Review teaches us to lift our hearts up to the Lord in every circumstance and give thanks and sing praise. To direct the focus of each experience, good and especially bad, from us to God so that our hearts can beat in harmony with the heart of God.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Voicing beyond differences

Last Sunday, Father Timothy Radcliffe gave a talk on the relationship between priests and the laity which I found personally inspiring. He brought this complex relationship of priest and laity back to basics: baptism.

In baptism we can find the seeds of how we, the laity, can participate in being church. We are given many graces in baptism besides salvation, chief among which are the gifts of the Holy Spirit and the theological virtues of faith, hope and love.

Thus equipped, we can fully participate in Christ's threefold office of priest, prophet and king. The implications of this threefold office can be far-reaching only if we fully appreciate and accept the mantle we have inherited from Christ.

PRIEST
As Father Radcliffe pointed out Christ was a lay person who lived out his office of priesthood by representing God's love for us and ours for God. He was the "incarnate smile of God" and lived this responsibility of mediator beyond conventional ecclesiastical worship.

If we wish to worship as He did, we must go beyond the rituals of prayer and Eucharistic celebration to becoming ministers of His love in all our roles and relationships. To relate to others and call them "by the names that mothers call their children when they are not angry with them" (I absolutely love this description of a personal name).

When we connect with others in kindness or when we pray with an aching, despairing heart for those we love, we share in Christ's priesthood and we make His and the Father's love present in the world.

PROPHET
As prophets, we are called to witness by speaking God's powerful, creative and healing word which is at the centre of moral life. Out of chaos, God spoke and created the world. Likewise, we can speak God's word to bring life and order.

Father Radcliffe exhorted those whose lives are bound up with words such as teachers, writers, politicians and journalists to speak words that give life, sustain, encourage and empower. As Saint Paul said to the Ephesians in chapter 4 verse 29, speak words that "will give grace to those who hear".

So as Christians, we need to tell the truth without destroying people, "to be honest and not collude with prejudice". If we can do this, then we are living out our prophetic office as Jesus did his.

KING
"Being grown up means having a voice in your church, community or nation," said Father Radcliffe. We each have a responsibility to be a voice in the world that stops evil in its tracks with a voice that awakens hope and encourages peace.

Wherever we are placed in family, community and society, we can and must speak up or speak out to uphold our beliefs. As Father Radcliffe emphasized having a voice is more important than being democratic for democracy can tear organizations apart.

To exercise our voice of authority, one must first recognize authority as Christ did, He who accorded respect even to the blind and the lame. Formation is also important: to be founded and grounded not only in God's word and theology, but in the silence of prayer contemplative.

Implicit in formation is also an active interest and involvement in the world and how societies and their governments function, recognizing that we are all related in one common and universal humanity.

DIALOGUE & FRIENDSHIP
Cardinal John Henry Newman identified three forms of authority within the church:

* experience (personal devotion to God which we all have),
* reason (authority of theologians and experts), and
* government of the church (the hierarchy that keeps faithful to Tradition).

Among the three there must be balance where no one form of authority dominates, failing which superstition, an arid rationalism that puts out the fire of love, or ambition and tyranny would reign respectively.

While the Church must look at increasing ways to give the laity voice, which since Vatican II she has, we, the laity, by virtue of our baptism, must look at taking an active role in being part of Church and ultimately move together towards making an affirmative difference to the world we live in.

The relationship between priest and laity must begin first in friendship wherein lies the heart of Christian life: a friendship that flows from engaging in dialogue. Only by reaching out the hand of friendship can we not view the other as an opponent to be feared, bristling at the differences, but instead we can open our hearts and work towards understanding.

This idea of dialogue is one that extends outside the Church. With the way Father Radcliffe has defined the gift of baptism, it is clear that the way forward for all Christians is to embrace our humanity beyond the differences of race, religion and culture, not forgetting that Christ came to save all of humankind.

My challenge is to find a voice that speaks the creative, loving and healing Word while beating evil as Jesus did by "absolving and dissolving it" (great homily Father Romeo).     

Monday, July 09, 2012

Birthday giftings

I have never been big on birthday celebrations but as I get older, I have come to treasure them more for they have become milestones whereby I take stock of how I have been doing and a time where I re-dedicate my life to God and I ask Him to reveal what are His plans for me in the coming 12 months.

This birthday week has been truly special for not only have I received the well wishes of friends and family near and far, but the blessings, prayers and affirmation I have received have been lovely gifts of the heart and point the way ahead for me.

When one asks, one will receive and my pre-birthday prayers have received an answer through many means. Thus my vocation has been further refined and my spirituality further enriched. Everything I have heard, read or reflected on hones in on being Christ-centred by being anchored in the Word made flesh through dedicated prayer time.

While I have been rewarded amply by seeing the fruits of my labour multiply, I cannot rest and grow complacent, and it has become clear to me that I have grown spiritually flabby.

Despite the cruise control that I have been operating from, God has been generous with me and I have been able to be a positive influence in others' life, but this is not enough. I remember a lecture Father David gave last year about how we can still be instruments of grace in spite of our sinful state. And if we do not endeavour to grow spiritually, we may sink deeper in sin until our own souls may be in need of redemption even as we are a source of grace for others.

Leaders and figures of authority, which we are all called to be, are especially vulnerable for they can still be key builders of His kingdom and yet can be blinded by pride in their own personal lives. They may think I have arrived. I have worked hard enough and all the good fruit I am responsible for must mean I am God's gift to the world. I can slack off. Eventually they slacken so much that they veer off the narrow path completely.

To be truly God-centred, one must continually strive for integration of mind, heart and soul. This means having a robust moral compass that yields consistency in all our decisions, big and small, over time.

Just as we cannot serve two masters, we cannot live by two standards: Gospel values and world values. We need to constantly check that we are steering True North, towards God all the time, in EVERY area of our lives.

This means living honestly, with honour and integrity especially in the littlest things. The moment we succumb to the least bit of dishonesty, we will begin to rationalize our own behaviour and our conscience immediately dulls. I am always amazed at how I can feel extremely guilty over my bad behaviour and how I dismiss it summarily the moment I rationalize the situation. Black turns to white in a blink.

Thus we cannot rely on our own resources to build our own little fiefdoms but must look to God to be the source and summit of our lives. Being vigilant and diligent in how we worship, witness and serve is vital, as well as keeping humble, maintaining a teachable heart always.

Father Yim spoke about dedicated prayer time during the lectors' recollection last Saturday and I realize I have been relying more on mindfulness and praying whenever I have an opportunity throughout the day which is good but certainly not enough.

He reminded me that ministry without spirituality descends into a job where grace is not fully actualized. And the only way to nurture my spirituality apart from dedicated prayer time is to meditate on the Word of God, attend at least one weekday mass besides Sunday mass and to go for reconciliation at least once every two months. He made me realize how much I have minimized spending dedicated time with Jesus.

Yesterday Father Timothy Radcliffe spoke about the significance of silence and beauty in his spiritual journey and I was reminded that Christ speaks to me most profoundly and clearly in silence, and that the truth of beauty never fails to touch my soul. And so, a return to contemplative prayer is necessitated as well as frequent consciousness examens.

I am excited and not a little scared of the road ahead for my immediate reaction is I am not capable or worthy enough. Why me? But I was reminded by Saint Paul last Sunday: My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.

As I have run out of excuses, the best answer to Christ's invitation is a simple yes.
My gorgeous guava birthday cake with three flowers to represent the Trinity and serve as a reminder to let my gifts bloom and blossom forth.
A heart to represent love which is my ethos in life and the light to represent the light of Christ, a celebratory light that was given to me upon my baptism.
The tartness and sweetness of the plum powder reminds me that the sour sweetness of life taken together can become life's most delicious morsels.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Touch stories

Last Sunday Father Romeo talked about the significance of touch in his homily on the haemorrhagic woman and the raising of Jairus’s 12 year old daughter as both were healed with a touch.

As touch is my love language (see Gary Chapman ‘s The Five Love Languages), his homily spoke volumes to me.

While I do experience love in other ways, the one that speaks to me most is touch - I feel especially loved when my godkids plant unabashed, wet kisses on my face and give me bear hugs.

More recently I have learned to treasure the intimate touch of Jesus' hands on my heart. As I touch "the fringe of his being in prayer" (see Peter Kreeft's Lesson One in Prayer), I am given more hope for He loves me because of my foolishness ad foibles, more faith for He shows me how joyous goodness can be, and more love as He transforms my heart with forgiveness and uncommon courage.

One touch and I am healed.
The pain disappears in seconds
My wound stops weeping blood
I am clean. He makes me whole again.

One touch and I awake.
A death-like sleep has lost its hold
My head is clear and I am hungry
He calls, and I respond with joy.

One touch and I am restored.
The world is bathed in roseate light
My heart sings songs of life and love
He crowns my head with jasmine sweet.

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Passion-driven life


I watched three great movies recently and what made the three stories so compelling is the common thread that runs through the three. They tell stories of life and the passions that drive people.

Billy Elliot is about how a young boy who finds his passion for dance accidentally rises above his impossible circumstances to realize his dream while The Concert is about how passions do not die even though outside forces dictate their demise. They lay dormant until an opportunity arises for dreams to come alive once more.

And finally Sixty Six is about the determination of a young boy to throw a lavish bar mitzvah party to mark his coming of age but his plans are thwarted at every turn. Although he does not attain his goal, along the way he finds new passions and also the love and affirmation he longs for in an unexpected way.

To be fully alive, we need to be driven by passion. I am not talking about passion for things material or physical which I think is passion at its most superficial and unimaginative but about passion that drives us to create, to be who we truly are, and to impact the lives of others in bold, affirmative strokes or subtly indefinable whispers.

Growing up I had no idea what I wanted to do. Even though I was steered in the right direction by "chance" and given many clues along the way, I lacked the confidence to keep at it and so I drifted into mind-numbing paper pushing in order to do the so-called right thing.

Like Bernie in Sixty Six, I felt like a loser. I was miserable but balanced out my dissatisfaction by pursuing passions that offered momentary and pretty meaningless pleasure. Hence I merely existed because I lacked the courage to live, until I experienced great loss, the death of my father.

Two light bulbs went off with this loss of life. First, I discovered that Jesus truly loves me not because anyone or anything told me so but it came as a real, felt, personal experience. In this true epiphany, I found my first and most significant passion: to love God with all my heart, soul and mind. The God-shaped space in my heart which I was created with was finally being filled when I gave my fiat to God. And it has been awesome ever since.

Second, I finally cottoned on that in life there are no dress rehearsals. I only get this one chance to find my bliss. Everything on earth is created with a purpose, what was mine? I knew that I must live true to who I am in order to live meaningfully, joyfully. Only a passion-driven life would enable me to do that. 

Saint Augustine said "Love God and (then) do as you will". As Peter Kreeft* explained this: If you truly love God and his will, then doing what you will, will, in fact, be doing what God wills.

In loving God and His will, I have indeed been able to discern what are my deepest desires and passions. He created me so He must know what on earth I am to do on this earth. And so I have been following His lead ever since.

Kreeft identified seven signs that tell us we are on the right path in knowing the will of God:

(1) Scripture, (2) church teaching, (3) human reason (which God created), (4) the appropriate situation, or circumstances (which he controls by his providence), (5) conscience, our innate sense of right and wrong, (6) our individual personal bent or desire or instincts, and (7) prayer.

He goes onto to advise: Test your choice by holding it up before God's face. If one of the seven voices says no, don't do it. If none say no, do it.

Knowing is oftentimes the easy part, walking the path of passion is the killer, as Jesus himself found out. And yet, the only way to resurrection is death. 

Following your heart's passion will present mountains to traverse; involve tears, sacrifice and hard work; and require truckloads of dedication, humility and courage. Plus people look askance at you, especially loved ones, who might even think you downright loony.

There will be times when it feels like the whole world is against you. You may even give up for a while, but dreams never completely die as Filipov in The Concert found out. They can come alive again with a little ingenuity and the ability to face your fears.

When young Billy in Billy Elliot is asked at his audition for the Royal Ballet School why he likes to dance, he describes his passion for dance as transformative, where he disappears into another world. He finally sums it up in one word: electricity.

My good friend B describes her initial conversion experience as being zapped by God and I think this image of electricity and being zapped best describes how I feel when I am living out my passions, especially when I show God how much I love Him and thank Him for giving me my life.  

* Peter Kreeft's excellent essay on discernment:  http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/discernment.htm