Channels of love

This Easter has been quite special, for, again, Easter falls on my mother’s birthday. The last time that happened (in my memory) was when we celebrated her 80^th birthday in Taiwan. It was lovely to be able to see my youngest brother who flew home to celebrate her special day with us this year.

During the Easter Octave, P and I celebrated our first meeting eight years ago, a day forever etched in my memory, a true turning point in my life. The day after we met is also one that is hard to forget for it was the day my cousin J left us. Thus, Easter has always been filled with bittersweet joy for me. Yet, this year, I was ready to see a different reality – to let go of my sadness, for I had a deep sense that J is now with Jesus. This is a moment to be celebrated; made possible only because Jesus decided to die for us so that we can live with Him in eternal bliss.

I am grateful for His love so filled with goodness, kindness, tenderness and gentleness, and I can only hope that I can pay Him homage by reaching out to others in like manner, through different channels of love, channels that guided by the Holy Spirit can touch hearts with such profundity and His own inimitable tenderness. Easter blessings, one and all.    

Straight lines

I

As I am your straight line

You, equally, are mine.

The one God decided it was time

To give: two lives in singular rhyme.     

Writing straight our crooked lines,

Turning vinegar into vintage wines.

Luscious and delicious

Voluptuous and precious

How delightful have these eight years been,

Full of laughter and joy previously unseen.

I could not have chosen better myself.

A friend and lover who denies his self,

Gives so unstintingly, with such grace.

Thinking on you brings a smile to my face,

I am filled with tenderness when I look at you,

How blessed I am that I have finally found you.

 

II

Eight years since you’ve been gone.

You have been missed and mourned.

And yet this year I begin to see,

How you have truly been set free.

To be at His side, in fullness, rejoicing,

Yet still with us, an eternal blessing. 

Redeeming myself

For me this Lenten journey has been about remembering where I come from, all the graces I have received thus far, and to show true gratitude by being faithful in small things, disciplined in prayer, and to always enlarge the tent of my heart, extending kindness, comfort, practical advice, generosity and empathy where needed on a daily basis. It is the only way I can make myself worthy of His love, and to redeem myself of past and present sins.

How slow I was to turn back to Him,

Choosing stubbornly to walk in circles

For long years lost, miserable and afraid,

Unable to dream big or dare for greatness.

So grateful now that He never gave up,

Whispering unending words of guidance,  

Words that grew me when I caught their essence,

Endowing my faith story with treasure.

This is redemption, this return to Christ

Giving up my pride on His altar of love

Crumbling the insular curves of my heart  

Obedient to the Spirit’s bidding.

If I seem gentle, it’s all His doing

He saw me - He loved me at my ugliest!

Nothing is impossible with His might.

Don’t give up even though it’s darkest night.

Attentive attitude

My grandson has taken it upon himself to ensure that Gran knows whatever he knows. Any new thing he learns, he is always eager to transfer his knowledge to me. And he is a very good teacher, giving instructions methodically, and correcting me when I am wrong. It started out with him teaching me how to spar when we played with his Pokemon figurines – he would prompt me when I forgot what characteristics and powers my Pokemon had. Nowadays he teaches me to play new board games, and any new activity he is engaged in.

To encourage him to grow in confidence, I have made myself out to be someone who has limitations and shortcomings due to age. He responds with empathy by teaching me whatever he can to increase my quality of life, and he shows compassion when I fail, by comforting me and encouraging me. I feel privileged to be the recipient of his attentions inasmuch as I have placed myself in this position of need, in order to teach him life skills and virtues.

Every interaction with my grandchildren is an opportunity to teach them, and I begin first by being fully present with them, listening to them, gauging where they are on a daily basis, then responding with what I feel is appropriate. There is no lesson plan. I go with the flow and everything is fair game – vocabulary, ethics, reasoning, social awareness, ecological stewardship, etc.

This brings me back to my relationship with my Father, am I as attentive with Him as I am with J and C? The ability to attune myself to the Father’s heart is something I work on constantly all the time so it’s easy to get complacent, fall away from good practices, or become casual in my ways. This Lent, I find myself reminded constantly to retune my ways, to make my ways His ways. Whether it is the readings at daily mass, or when I read the Bible, I always used to wonder how someone so loved by God and so in love with God can fall away - just like that! But when I read the stories of great kings like David and Solomon, these are the stories of my life. I have been given wisdom, I have been blessed to be able to experience the Lord in very real ways, so many graces and consolations, and yet, do I sin? Of course, all the time. I fall short.

The key is obedience, and I must say I find myself guilty of disobedience quite frequently throughout the day. I cuss at inconsiderate drivers and I am not the most patient and courteous of drivers. I don’t hold the lift for other people when I am rushing. I am not very patient with my helper. I show my irritation with P quite easily. How can I even begin to teach my grandchildren courtesy when I do not respect another’s dignity in all these little ways?  

If I am to be more clued in to those around me, to be more connected, I must ensure my behaviour always elicits positive responses from others. I must attempt to make each encounter with people life-affirming. Thus, I have to listen actively, attune to others not just with my mind but with my heart and spirit. Just as J understands failure can be disheartening and he is quick to offer commiseration and constructive instruction that makes learning pleasurable, I need to be more like him with others. Put on a listening, humble and caring heart. Only then can I truly become more and more like Him. 

Creating grace periods

We are now in the season of Lent. Prayer, fasting, almsgiving - so much is written about these spiritual acts, and we can read any number of good articles to understand why we pray, fast and give. I have been ruminating on how I can make my Lenten season count. Regardless of the liturgical season, I already put effort into all three associated Lenten activities, so what more can I do that would make these next few weeks, personally, more meaningful, and transformative, that will bring me closer to Jesus?

Meeting with my SD recently inspired me. The most important takeaway I got from him was to listen. Be still and know that He is God, the Almighty who does marvellous things for me, and holy is His name. The best way to be still is in prayer. “Prayer is the gift of time we give to the One we love.” I thought that such a profound statement. We were talking earlier about how God is out of time and how there are no such things as coincidences or luck – it is the goodness of God in our lives, it is He who blesses us in all things. We simply need the eyes of gratitude to see where our blessings fall each day, and that requires an awareness of God that comes from prayer.

My main frustration with myself this period is fatigue, which leads to impatience and a short temper. But SD invited me to take on a new perspective on time. Instead of rushing around and getting stressed out when I feel that I am falling behind my schedule, I need to slow time down, make it stretch, but, most especially, to make time for what is important, that is, the relationships I have in my life.

If my priority is relationships, and it is, then I need to ensure that every person I encounter, in any given day, is perceived and treated with proper dignity and respect. I need to be loving and life-giving. Mostly, I need to follow His lead with whom I should get in touch – often I think of certain individuals when I pray, but I don’t follow up on reaching out to them. I don’t make time to express how I feel about them properly. Many lost opportunities thus far.

Just as I decided not to sacrifice my quality time with my grandkids by trying to beat the clock when I drop them off at school so as to avoid paying the parking fee of $1.20, I can choose to slow time down. The $1.20 is worth the extra time of contact with them, a true grace period. Best of all, there are days when I actually do make the grace period despite not rushing my goodbyes, and I get to park for free, a bonus!

I have decided for this Lent that I will create grace periods with people, grace periods that involve wasting time with people, choosing to make quality time for others by being wholly present. When I act with an open heart and give undivided attention to a person or task at hand, I am better able to respond to the Spirit who leads me in acting with wisdom and compassion as I go about my day. And I should always choose to act in freedom, without the constraints of time colouring my emotions and causing me to rush, and therefore be less present.

It’s inevitable that tension will arise from my strong compulsion to do everything, but I need to deal with conflicts of time and know what is important before I act; to step back and take a moment to figure out where I need to be before I rush headlong into the day. I am happy that I was able to hear and act out the promptings of the Spirit this weekend past, and it was a fruitful weekend of reconnecting with who I am and where I am called to serve, despite the busyness. Best of all, I managed to serve all my “grace recipients” with the proper posture of respect and compassion, and that has meant time well spent, productive and grace-filled. 

Loving lightly

P is away on a work trip for a week and I have to say I miss him. Even though my days are busy, I actually feel as if there is something off kilter in my life. I tell myself I am being silly for it’s very temporary, but throughout the day I wonder how he’s doing, and whether he’s okay. There is a fear inside I try my best not to acknowledge, that he may not come back to me. So I pray a little more fervently that he is protected from all evil.

All this got me thinking wow, is this what love can do to you? There is this tendency to cling on, and never let go, afraid love will disappear if I but blink. The scarcity principle of fear of loss, rather than want of gain kicked in hard, giving rise to crazy thoughts.

Here is where I hold onto the wise words from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet:

Let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of heaven dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

And, of course, 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love.

I am brought back to the One who first loved me, and with Him, love is boundless, abundant, generous and everlasting, and all things good. Love should not give rise to fear.

Have I not experienced (and am still experiencing) His brand of love first-hand? Yes, of course.

Am I not to love in the same way as I have been loved? Yes, I am.

I am also brought back to the truth that we are all pilgrims on the journey in this life and we can look forward to eternal life, especially with those whom we have loved in this life. There is no need to cling too hard onto love. I must hold lightly with contented gratitude. Give praise to the One who blessed me with P, and, finally to trust Him in all things.

So while I will continue to miss P until he comes home, I am reminded to be more loving when he is around, and not to take him for granted. Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much, and giving me so much. I am grateful for all that I have received. Help me to focus on my gains, without allowing fear of loss to detract from my pleasure and gratitude in the here and now.

Happy birthday J

 Thought of you yesterday

Since it was your birthday

Not to say I don't think of you every day

I do especially when I pray

But I missed you more cos I couldn't say

How much I love you always and a day 

And to rejoice with you as was our way 

Big hugs sending my heart your way 

Discipline for abundance

It has been a flurry of activity since the year began. I am most grateful for the meet ups with friends and family that I no longer see as often as I would like, so I would say the year kicked off extremely well. P and I have begun another year of reading the Bible in a year. I have also begun a discipline of regular fasting, walking and attending weekday mass, to take care of my own spiritual, mental and physical health. I recognize that ageing well is key to maintaining my ability to serving the Lord wholeheartedly without burnout, thus it requires a sustained commitment to self-care.  

The biggest push has been the attempt to get my “house” in order, literally, just because I am not inclined to organization. I am a tad overwhelmed at how much stuff I have accumulated over the years, but I am determined to strip back and simplify my life, and put some needed order into it. Ordering my life has included assessing my financial health and planning for retirement, fun, adult stuff I normally eschew.

The thirst for orderliness comes from a place of dissatisfaction within myself, with myself. Chaos cannot breed peace. I have spent valuable time and expended finite energy hunting for things, fretting about misplaced things and how it all makes me feel highly incompetent.  How can I be a good example to anyone, an authentic witness, when I have no discipline in all areas of my life? Or to put it another way, if I keep growing in virtue, cultivating as many as I can along the way, then perhaps I can be a more credible and empathetic witness of Christ’s love.

As I am entering the mid to late-autumn of my life, the increasing scarcity of years left make it imperative to spend every moment given to me with greater wisdom, to make every second count and live it well. I remember E commenting on how this is the age of generativity, of giving back and of making a palpable difference in this world, not so much as a legacy born of pride, but one that finds its impetus in God. Jesus living out just three years of ministry but touching countless lives over many generations. What incredible abundance!

Let me not wait until serious illness strikes me before I attempt to cram more meaning into life, or to only then take steps to regain good health frittered away by poor dietary and lifestyle choices. My latest blood test results have demanded that I make some changes today. Wisdom decrees it is the only way forward for me; only discipline can give rise to abundance from now on.     

What I would like to hold onto this year is the ideas of impossible joy and transformative light.

Impossible joy

SD shared with me on my last visit with him that Christmas is the season of the impossible made possible. First, we have the conception and birth of John the Baptist to a mother well past her child-bearing years. Then we have the virgin conception and birth of Jesus to Mary. We also have the full acceptance of Joseph who takes on the role of husband to Mary, and foster fatherhood to Jesus, when he was well within his right to walk away from what looked like a less than desirable life choice.

 

Each event or decision is marked by the presence of the Holy Spirit and humanity’s willingness to cooperate fully with Him. If I am able to say yes to situations and circumstances so unreservedly, despite knowing that great challenges may lie ahead, then, together with the Lord, I can help make the impossible possible. Jesus can be birthed into this world which seems marked today by increasing, pervasive darkness.

 

This birthing of light and joy is the panacea the world needs, and I must be an active participant (together with Christ) in conjuring this spirit of Christmas, not just in December, but in all the months of the year. I need to remind myself daily that all things are possible with Him, impossibly possible. And no matter what life throws at me, joy and gratitude must be a conscious decision of mine.

 

Transformative light

For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.

 

This verse, nine, from Psalm 36, struck a chord with me when I heard it proclaimed at mass on the several days that I had attended weekday mass in January. It underpins what I heard at our first community meeting in 2024 about being Christ-centred. The only way I can experience Jesus in a very real and current way is to encounter Him constantly, not just in the Eucharist or in prayer, but also in the Word of God, the Bible, who is Jesus Christ Himself, and not merely a collection of divine inspired writings.  

 

To cultivate a biblical sensibility, where I unconsciously see the world and act in the world (in His light I see light) in a Christ-centred way, it necessitates gnawing (a word appropriated from Bishop Robert Barron’s series The Sacraments) on the Word of God. I must steep my being in devoted reading and study of the Bible, in order to put on the eyes, mind and heart of Christ, to be His light bearer, and, consequently, to be able to render the ridiculous twists of the Christmas story into a form that elicits joy and wonder. It is a transformation of self that, again, requires discipline, but yet promises an abundance of light, springing forth endlessly from the “fountain of life”.

I sometimes feel like the world’s biggest grouch so it is a worthy challenge to try and live this year with the impossible joy and transformative light of Jesus, to graft myself onto His being so that I can truly decrease and He increase in me. Discipline for abundance, this will be my clarion call this year. 

Divine motherhood

It is only fitting to begin a new year celebrating a feast that honours Mary of Nazareth, the Mother of God for her divine motherhood. From humble beginnings can God's glory be revealed, and that is what Mary's simple yes is all about.

Sandwiched in between conception and all the years of motherhood must have been moments of fear, anxiety, doubt, despair, mixed in with the joy, pride, hope and resolve that Mary experienced as Jesus grew into adulthood, right up to the agony of witnessing His excruciating death on the Cross.

Father Karol reminded me this morning that a good mother is one who imparts to her child his or her true identity as child of God. And as true children of God, we, too, like Mary, must build His kingdom, by empowering brothers and sisters we encounter in our daily lives. 

Through the incarnation
Divine transcendence became
An intimate immanence
Spirited in our hearts
Sealed by God's kiss
For Mary said yes
to becoming a Mother
Of God, His Son
Who lived among us
Nurtured by her holiness
Her discipleship of Him
Days spent in obscurity
Mundane, growing in mystery
Toward a reality stark
Persecution to eventual death
Motherhood pierced by agony
Salvation impossible to fathom
Supreme faith is necessary
To keep on walking
Like Our Mother
Witness by pondering
Act with grace.