Fifty epiphanies

And so a new decade of life begins for me real soon. The big five-O. Am I looking forward to it? I will have to say yes for there is no other way but forward, and downhill (physically, but not emotionally or spiritually, I am in a good place here).

The last year has been, as I see it, my year of jubilee and it has been full of many lessons in how I should be living. I hope to be doing what I have learned for the rest of my life:

1)  Be kind to the body: sleep early, eat healthily, eat less (I recently discovered how much I overeat), cut sugar (it's addictive), fat and alcohol, and EXERCISE.

2)  Especially when it comes to health, prevention is better than the cure. Popping meds should not become part of one's lifestyle as far as possible. There are always side effects.

3)  Schedule appointments with more downtime in between. It's bad to be in a constant rush. Use the time-outs to be mindful, live in your body and breathe. An examen consciousness would not be amiss.

4)  Food is health and can be healing. Do not load junk into the body. If you do want to feel halfway decent when you are 75, eat properly. Start now, not tomorrow.

5)  If you abuse your body, expect it to bite back. Don't act surprised when you are in pain or worse, and wimp out by taking painkillers. Remember the pain and try not to repeat the experience.

6)  Compliment someone genuinely, be kind to someone and help someone at least once a day. This is food for the soul.

7)  Consciously breathe in the love of God and gently breathe out gratitude in the quiet moments of the day. It is a great way to de-stress, and so fundamental for a rich, spiritual life.

8)  Laugh as often as you can throughout the day. You get to exercise your abs and keep the blues at bay at the same time.

9)  Tell your mother or father you love them in ways creative and infinite every day. Your time with them is pure gift, appreciate it and use it well.

10)  Use technology wisely and only as necessary. Do not become a slave to it and live only in a virtual world. Live in the real world by being present to those around you, including the Almighty.

11)  Smile at strangers and acknowledge their presence instead of texting on your phone and ignoring them. Remember we are created human, that is to be social, to connect with one another, enriching each other's lives.

12)  It is good to experience hunger from time to time and not feed it immediately. Offer it up in solidarity with those who are starving in the world.

13)  Do not waste food. It is a sin. Quality is also better than quantity. So savour, don't gorge. Gluttony is yet another sin.

14)  When you feel down, remember there are many others much worse off than you. Your problems are nothing compared to theirs. A little perspective is always helpful, as is quiet time with the Lord.

15)  Less is more. Learn to live simply and do without. Stuff is just stuff - it buys you a scant five minutes of pure pleasure, and is inconsequential when you are dead. Store up treasures in heaven that moths and rust cannot destroy (Matthew 6:20).

16)  When you worry about finances remember God will always provide. Just do your part and things will work out, somehow.

17)  Never compromise your principles. Integrity is everything. As the Bible goes For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul? (Mark 8:36)

18)  There is always a way out. With God, a dead end can be a place of grace for it is here that He performs the most amazing miracles. Trust Him.

19)  When you least feel the presence of God, practise the virtue of faith by choosing to believe and act accordingly. Like Mother Teresa did.

20)  Never be too proud to ask for a helping hand. Give others the opportunity to love you.

21)  As Emily Dickinson wrote:
       Hope is the thing with feathers
       That perches in the soul,
       And sings the tune without the words,
       And never stops at all

22)  My SD likes to tell me: Women are created to beautify the world. He is right, so take pride in your appearance without getting obsessively vain. Handsome is as handsome does.

23)  When you think you are better than others, that's when you most definitely are not. We are all created equal in dignity, and in the image and likeness of God. Dissing others is dissing God.

24)  The need for instant gratification breeds instant rudeness and selfishness. Think of others before you think of yourself.

25)  Be polite and considerate in all circumstances. There is no excuse for rudeness even when others are rude. Living graciously is a constant, conscious decision.

26)  Profanities are for the lazy and the vulgar. A good woman (or man) should never be vulgar or lazy.

27)  Faith is not a feeling, a happy clappy high. Faith is honouring the love one has received in the past, and paying it forward.

28)  We cannot save the world, but we can always try to make someone's day a little brighter. Look for little ways to do what you can to tip the balance towards good.

29)  Go green. It's the only way we can keep Mother Earth looking beautiful and feeling good.

30)  Always look for a better way to do things. The old ways, status quo, may not always be the best, although, sometimes, they are gold and should be honoured.

31)  Happiness is always within our grasp, we just have to know where to find it. Psychologist Martin Seligman proposes starting with forgiveness and gratitude.

32)  Praise and thank God for everything, even major setbacks and grave losses. It is the fastest way to defeat adversity and rebuild what has been destroyed.

33)  Shopping or eating cannot fill the gaping hole within you. Prayer can.

34)  I don't have to like growing old but I can choose to do so gracefully. It takes hard work, there are no short cuts, but it is well worth it.

35)  Isaiah 61 is the song of my life, and the true mission of every human being. Sing it every day.

36)  We can never change people, but we can help them to change, if, and when, they desire it.

37)  Seek the best for others, not the best for you. Leave that to the Lord to reveal to you, in His time.

38)  Ageing is part of life, embrace it and use it to your advantage. You may be slower but your step is surer.

39)  The beauty of nature is the best balm for a jaded, weary spirit. Take a walk and let nature, the Creator, speak and minister to you in beauty.

40)  We don't have to like everyone for we are all created to be different and unique, but we can find unity in love, and become part of the same body of Christ.

41)  Love of God means love of neighbour, especially those we despise or cannot stand. No one said loving was an easy decision to execute, something Jesus appreciates and understands - seek His help on this.

42)  God is in the details, of your life and mine. He does not miss a thing. So depend on Him for everything, all the time.

43)  Judge not, lest ye be judged (Matthew 7:1). Extremely hard to accomplish, yet with God, all things are possible. Rely on the Holy Spirit for help on this.

44)  Never seek to be what you are not, but accept who you are and grow into your own being. That is all the Father wants, that we see ourselves as He sees us, precious and beloved.

45)  It does not matter if you are disliked, ugly and unloveable, for Jesus loves you and that love is enough to fill you up and paint your world in glorious technicolour. His love and grace are truly enough.

46)  Precisely because life is complex and people are complicated that truth comes in many forms, textures and colours. However, Jesus is unmistakably THE WAY, THE TRUTH and THE LIFE.

47)  If change is a constant, why do we expect things to stay the same? Rather than mourn the way things used to be, celebrate the here and now with gratitude and real enthusiasm.

48) While I abhor my weaknesses, I know they are where God's power can be manifested most perfectly, if I offer them up in humility and openness of heart.

49)  Clean hands and pure heart - that is all I wish for every birthday, every day. For with clean hands and pure heart, I will have gazed upon the face of God. I can die happy.

50)  Let me never forget the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, the Trinitarian God, is my all in all. My north, my south, my east and west. Without Him, I am lost.

By grace alone

I have been reflecting on pain lately. Reason being I have been experiencing some level of physical pain for some several weeks now. It culminated in the most excruciating pain I have ever felt last Monday evening, to the point I gave in and took painkillers, which were so useless that I regretted taking them.

Those who know me know I rarely take meds for I have this thing about the side effects of drugs. I combat infection and fever with propolis and honey and I constantly seek out home remedies to help my body heal itself.

The first thing I discovered about pain this time round is how much I can ignore it. It's amazing how much punishment the body can take and how much I can soldier on purely on will power.

This is both good and bad. Good that I am functional on some level for I still have to make a living, but bad when I push my body beyond what is advisable.

Having said that, the intense pain (it felt like someone drove a spike through my eyeball) on Monday evening wiped me out completely and I was forced to rest Tuesday and take it easy the rest of the week.

It is at times like these that I rely completely on grace to carry me through the commitments I made previously and I seriously do not feel up to, and the Lord has been truly kind. He has given me inner strength to do the things I needed to last week, even inspiring me to do the ones I disliked well (how awesome is that?). 

Although I am able to recognize that everything comes from God, nothing brings this fact home more than when I am weak and incapable of much. So while I would not want to repeat last week’s physical challenges, especially the piercing pain, I am immensely grateful that the Holy Spirit was there for me and came through in spades.

Grace is a wonderful thing.

Unitive majesty

It is the solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity and what caught my attention during mass this morning was when Father Arro proclaimed: undivided in unity, equal in majesty.

I am really glad that I believe in the Trinitarian God: God who is Father, Son and Holy Spirit. This mystery is truly central to my faith and my life for by virtue of being human, I am complex in thought and emotion. As such, God understands I need Him to be someone who can be everything to me in a way no man can. 

As a child I first understood God as Father, someone who loves and cares for me, his beloved child. He was always there for me, ready to forgive me when I erred, and who set me on the right path again if I strayed. He was my Good Shepherd.

He was also my Creator, the one who is the alpha and the omega, the transcendent and the immanent. Such a God is one who inspires awe and wonder, who is beyond my human understanding, and yet is someone I seek within my very heartbeat (even when I did not know it, or forgot this important fact).

I loved Him for loving me. I respected Him for being pure goodness and holy. I feared Him for when I committed sin or evil, I knew He knew. Nothing escapes Him.

In recent years, I have experienced much of His tenderness and faithfulness for He has been my provender (He is truly my portion and cup) and protector, and I never cease to be amazed at how much He loves me.

Then there is Jesus, God incarnate because the Father loved me enough to send me the gift of His son. Jesus is someone I only came to know fairly recently. As Saint Augustine famously wrote late have I loved Thee. I sometimes lament the lateness, but I rejoice that this is a relationship I will never take for granted ever for it is hard won.

I have come to know Jesus as brother, friend, lover and bridegroom. He affirms my womanhood and encourages my feminine genius. With Him, I feel like a beautiful woman, inside out, one who is treasured and loved completely. Even on my ugly and mean days, He never stops rooting for me, nudging me out of spiritual darkness and sadness. He makes me want to be a better person all the time. He inspires me for He stands on the side of good, and was willing to die that I may be saved. He is my knight in a shimmering armour of unconditional love.       

Best of all, what it says in Matthew 11:27 rings true for it is through Jesus, the Word, that I have come to know the Father even more. The plans God has for me to prosper me, have been revealed as I walk with Jesus by my side, hand in hand. His humanity channels his divinity.

When it comes to the Holy Spirit, it has been like a treasure hunt. Even though I was sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit during the Sacrament of Confirmation and was sent forth then to be witness, I sadly ignored the graces of this gift, frittering them away. Thus, the gifts (see 1 Corinthians 12:7-11) and the fruits (Galatians 5:22) of the Spirit were lost or hidden from me.

I did not acknowledge how awesome a person He can be (He is not called Great Counsellor for nothing), and how He came so that I may always be guided and taught in truth. Through the Holy Spirit, I have since come to understand the gifts of my baptism and my life more fully. I have discovered the gifts and fruits that He has blessed me with and learned how to put them to good effect.

If I want to grow in virtue, to become the person I was created to be, He is the one who can help me. If I wish to be as holy as the disciples and saints of the past, He is key to my becoming a Kingdom builder - my path to happiness through goodness. And through Him, Father and Son can be further revealed in greater glory. As Pope Francis puts it:

The Holy Spirit, gift of the risen Jesus, communicates the divine life to us and thus he draws us into the dynamism of the Trinity, which is a dynamism of love, communion, mutual service, sharing.  

Thank you, Father, Son and Holy Spirit for gracing my life, and for revealing your Trinitarian majesty to me. Without you, my life would be pallid and one-dimensional.

Birthday gift

Today is Pentecost. To celebrate this great birthday feast of the Church, Father Matthew Linn was invited to celebrate the Church of the Holy Spirit’s Triduum and run a seminar, Fully Alive yesterday. I came away with many gifts and would like to share them with you.

Father Matthew reminded us that each of us came into the world with special gifts, a unique voice and mission. If we have not found our mission, then we are only half alive. He defined mission as the way we each receive and give love in life.

Until we find that special way to give life and get life back, we ourselves, and the world along with us, are impoverished. Using a series of vignettes taken from CBS News On The Road with Steve Hartman, Father Matthew gave us pointers on how we recognize our special gifts and use them.

He stressed that we need not be as impossibly selfless as Mother Teresa or as crazy talented as Beethoven, but when we identify our gifts and use them, then we will be living out the new commandment to “love your neighbour as yourself”.   

The gift may be as small as teaching others to read and singing in a choir, or as big as going back to school to become a doctor and then helping heal those who cannot afford healthcare, paying for their treatment and meds. The first step is to identify your call: What do you do when you don't have to do your job? What gives you energy and life? What brings meaning to your life and gets you out of bed, raring to go each day.

Father Matthew also asked us this: Who do you find that you can really love? Are there special groups of people you feel drawn toward? For Jim O’Connor, a high school math teacher, it is cuddling sick babies at a hospital.  For centenarian Agnes Zhelesnik, it is teaching young children to bake, a vocation she took up when she turned 81.

Another way to find your gift is to see where you have been hurt and healed. Your scar will be your strength, your badge of honour. Just as former alcoholics know exactly how to help alcoholics who are trying to quit, or cancer patients like Jon McAlpin who found a way to deal with dying. Jon warmly greets fellow patients and their family members to the hospital, helping them feel better. What got him out of his depression was when his doctor told him the end of your life need not mean the end of the world.

Father Matthew asked: What have you been through that has made you stronger, that you have come out on the other side with a bigger heart, and you want to be there for those who are going through the same ordeal? This can become your gift.

The next two questions help us put our lives into perspective, to maybe act out our mission and to just be grateful for the present moment:

What would you do if you had one year left to live?

What would you do if you have 10 years to live and you have just won the lottery?

We are our worst enemies at times, for we put obstacles in our own path even if we know what we want to do. He encouraged us not to play it small, to come out of the box, and to go far and wide. God always has a bigger plan for each of us. If we are liberated from our fears, then we can help liberate others. If we dare to love more deeply, then we can receive more love and life.

Perhaps the biggest gift I received yesterday was during ministry time. Father Matthew taught us how to pray with each other by laying hands on each other in silence. Before we began, we each blessed the other’s hand, “May this hand be the healing hand of Jesus”, then we asked the other person where they would feel comfortable having someone’s hand on them and what they would like to pray for and we began to pray. Instead of using words, he asked us to breathe in Jesus’ love and breathe it out through our hand.

We do not need words or faith, for to pray like Jesus was to just love with our hearts. Healing comes from Jesus, not how well we pray in words. We can also ask how the other felt, and continue to pray for what the person wants, asking for more healing (if there was some other area that needed healing).

He debunked the need to only ask a priest to pray for us and instead encouraged us to pray for our own family members, in our own homes. The Holy Spirit lives within each of us and the love we have for family and friends widens the channel through which Jesus, the Holy Spirit, will bring healing.

I actually experienced physical healing yesterday. But that was not the best part. The best part was when J opened his eyes after praying, he found that his hand was no longer resting on my shoulder, and yet, he had not lifted his hand off my shoulder and had never lost the feel of my shoulder under his hand. Funnily enough, I never felt him lift his hand off my shoulder either. There is only one conclusion I can draw, we both felt the hand of Jesus, in between J’s hand and my shoulder. It does not get better than that.

Happy Pentecost!

Bringing vacation home

Although I have been back from Honolulu for almost three weeks, my body has not fully adjusted to the time change (yes, I am a poor traveller for I never really adjusted to Honolulu time well only to come home and face the same problem here). Result: I am absolutely knackered by 9:00pm.

While I have thrown myself into life quite enthusiastically, it has been full of challenges lately, and it has been quite stressful consequently. I have also fallen sick, and had to deal with a wisdom tooth inflammation which has proven quite painful (I now understand what it means to be driven crazy by pain) for I have opted to let my body heal on its own, sans drugs. So it's been a slow and agonizing process.

Despite all my recent woes, I have been able to keep my head above water and function without turning into a blubbering, hot mess or a vengeful harridan blaming the world for all my problems. The glow of my vacation has not worn off.

Three things have helped me. The first is that I have tried to maintain the disciplines of prayer I began in Hawaii and although not exactly successful, the effects of being so Christ-focused on vacation have spilled over into life, post-vacation. Being Christ-centred has become an even stronger habit with many attendant graces.

I have not fallen into despair. I am more positive. I am filled with joy even as I am frustrated at certain situations or with various people. I love and truly enjoy what I do and I have been gratified with happy, satisfied clients. I am grateful for my life and I can taste life in all its different flavours and textures with greedy gusto.

I am not worried and I can sleep in peace knowing He will take care of me as He has always done, with generosity and gentleness. I can let go and forgive all the bad things. I am happy to be me, creaky bones, aching muscles, saggy flesh and all.

The second thing that has helped me through this trying period is taking accountability for my own health. I have refused to give in to the perimenopausal hormonal craziness and am experimenting with all kinds of supplements, and get-fit rituals to help me through this physically life-altering transition of life.

I went on this health bid while on vacation and seem to have hit on a pretty good combination for the hot flashes are minimal again and I have not been an emotional wreck. I can sleep. Best of all, the belly has even subsided and I do not feel so ungainly.

Finally, I received a gift from the islands that I carry within my heart, one I cherish greatly and refuse to forget, this time. The gift is the hearts of the people who live in Hawaii. It is the unmistakable yet indefinable spirit of aloha that lives in those who are born there and infects those who choose to make their home there.

It is in the warm hospitality of strangers who treat you like a long-lost friend. It is the generosity and passion of people who give back what they have received, committed to spreading the love around. It is this common decency and common courtesy, both no longer so common, that I experienced in abundance.

I was charmed by the goodness of the people I met and I fell in love all over again. I resolved to import the aloha spirit, bring it home with me, for I want to live graciously not just when I am there, but wherever I am. Thus, I have tried to be more patient, more reasonable, more personable, friendly, open and more laid back upon my return.

Guess what, I have found some really nice and friendly people living in Singapore. This proves to me that I can be the change I want to see. So now, when I meet rude, obnoxious, impatient people, I don't bristle so quickly in reaction, but I try to see if I can change how I view them by changing how I behave toward them. Stay gracious, no matter what. This has led to pleasant surprises (the grouchy, unfriendly fruit stall uncle can actually be nice) and I feel that the world around me has become a friendlier, cosier place lately.

Life will continue to be filled with problems and challenges, but there will always be blessings and gifts that demonstrate the love of God as well. His grace is enough to keep me happy and humming, despite the stumbling blocks.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of aloha for it is your Spirit that animates and leads, no matter where I am, at home or abroad.

Halau Mele dancers celebrating the Huli Kauwela, Changing of the Seasons

Vocation reflection

The way to one's true vocation is not simply about finding the path that brings one the most joy or greatest fulfilment in life. It is also about finding the path that brings one the most tears, for it is only when one has truly cried for others that one has truly loved.     

When I read what Brother Nicholas Lye said about his vocation journey in the Catholic News (June 1, 2014), it made me think of what my vocation means to me now, 11 years on.

It is true that what has afforded me the deepest satisfaction and joy has also exacted a great price; sacrifices involving time, hard work, discipline, perseverance, physical and emotional pain, and tears, copious amounts at times.

Saying yes to my vocation (not just the domain of priests and religious) has necessitated my saying no to many other things. It has meant saying no, at times, to personal comfort, pleasure, complacency, and my own selfish desires. I have had to cut links, lose relationships and leave people I loved dearly behind.

It has also meant saying yes to growing: forming my character, acquiring new skills, sharpening my faith, shaping my spirituality and dying to self, repeatedly. I had to learn how to be a child again, helpless and utterly dependent on the Father. Whilst incredibly hard, and humbling, it has been exhilarating and liberating as well.

So if you think following your vocation is a cakewalk, think again. And yet, for me, there is no other way. From the moment I knew what it was that I was created to do, I had to follow the dreams that God placed into my heart from the beginning, dreams I had discovered only a decade or so ago. I had lived in a purposeless limbo too long to want to remain there a second more.

While each one of us has a unique vocation, there is one aspect of vocation that we all share, and that is the mission to love: God and others. Loving, as we all know, is a risky business with treacherous yields. To love means allowing one to be vulnerable, to expose one's heart to the vagaries and whimsies of others, to risk betrayal.

Thus to be true to one's vocation is to transform the wastelands of anger, despair, fear, hatred and evil in the world, seeding the landscape with faith, hope, joy and peace through love as we march through the highways and byways of everyday, humdrum chaos, bringing new life to what was previously lost and thought hopeless. We may even be required to water the landscape with our own tears of hurt, frustration and pain in order to change it for the better.

It can get lonely and wearisome so it is imperative to have companions on the journey. As today's first reading from Acts 1:12-14 reminds us, we need to gather in the upper room with others of like mind and heart to praise and glorify God, thanking Him for sending us Jesus, His Son, and to keep watch for the Holy Spirit who will be sent to us so that we can be filled with His grace and power. So glad I am going to see my fellow ICPE Companions later this afternoon.

These last years have been a time of study and training for me and I know this will continue until the day I die. I am battle-scarred, I have even broken a few bones, but I am stronger, more resilient, and wiser.

I can see how God is constantly honing and refining my vocation, waiting for me to say yes to His plan (it is a process, not a one-shot deal). I won't continue to say yes without trepidation, especially since I know how high the costs can be, but I know that if I am sincere, then He will always be with me, a reassuring and loving presence, every step of the way.