Faith experience

Yesterday E. asked me this question regarding faith, "Do you feel it in your body?" Initially I thought it a curious question but responded in the affirmative after giving the question some thought.

My experiences of God are many and diverse, but at the most visceral level, it is a felt, sensory experience.

It's a sense of incredible lightness that permeates every corner of my mind, the distant reaches of my psyche and every tingly nerve ending in my body.

As my heart is touched by the experience of Divine love, it's a point of transformation and an opportunity for growth.

It's an ineffable lightness of being. There are no words save when it happens to you, you will know it, even if it is not a dramatic Damascus event like St. Paul's.

This gift of the Spirit is often one of surprise, unexpected, oft-times elusive although deeply sought - what Ignatius might call "consolation without previous cause".

While I am wary of over-simplifying and reducing faith to an experiential high that one gets, the truth of God's love is undeniably decoded in the language of the body, as Pope John Paul II elucidates in his Theology of the Body.

In order for there to be real meaning and depth in any human experience, the experience must be an amalgam of thought/words and life/love. So that it becomes an experience that can be shared with others, connecting and uniting humanity one with the other, thereby forging yet another link in the chain of life that answers the fundamental questions of existence and how meaning in life is lived out in the body.

Experience cannot be reduced to merely a series of events, separate from affectivity, and without any meaning in life.

With the body as the foundational place of all experiences in life, the body becomes the place not only to meet and "communicate" God, but it is the vehicle for us to "reach out and touch someone" (be it child, parent, sibling, relative, friend or stranger), and thereby make a difference in the world.

In that encounter with the other where we give of ourselves (be it a smile, a kind word, a loving caress or a helping hand), our hearts are transformed by that act of love and we move closer to the true meaning of love and towards God.

And we get to live out the message that God is love in our bodies.

Random acts

Today is the solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. As I read the reflection this morning, I came to a new understanding of what this feast celebrates ie the living heart of Jesus, the man He was: His inner life, virtues, sentiments and infinitely loving and lovable nature.

I recently re-read an article written by Rolheiser where he talks about what lies at the heart of our faith, "the deep truth that we are unconditionally loved by God". While we may know this, we find it difficult to believe.

It's hard to internalize this fundamental truth for we rarely experience unconditional love in our lifetimes. Much as our parents, relative and friends love us, they love us better when we conform to their idea of what we should be like.

Plus our experience of love is usually tainted by expressions of love that are not love at all but "expressions of self-serving manipulation, exploitation, or even positive abuse".

No wonder it's so difficult to believe in love, especially unconditional love.

Rolheiser recommends we "kill" the incarnations of our past selfs, and not allow our past experience and past wounded selfs mar our present belief or vision of God.

To add to that, I would like to suggest that we get to know the very heart of Jesus by poring over and meditating on the gospels and the collection of letters in the New Testament.

The more we see and understand how He embraced humanity with love in everything He did during His short time on earth leading up to His ultimate sacrificial act of love, the more we are able to see Him acting in our lives today and experience in a very personal and real way His unconditional love.

Every act of random kindness is an act that bears the mark of Christ's unconditional love for us, whether we realize it or not, and whether we are the recipient or the initiator.

So even if we struggle to believe that Jesus loves us, we allow Him to live in us when we love and reach out to another in "the sincere gift of self".

And in so doing, we become brilliant imitators of His Sacred Heart and most resemble Him.

For we have now experienced Christ’s unconditional, infinite love as the giver and that transforms us, imperceptibly but significantly.

Now that's a class act.

Will to freedom

For some reason today, I left the house in a rush, convinced I was going to be late for my class, only to discover, en route, that I was early. So I decided to take a walk in the Botanic Gardens.

It was a grey, overcast afternoon, perfect for a walk. I essentially made a loop around the grounds before heading for class just over an hour later.

I enjoyed the oasis of green and quiet, with only the occasional breeze and the song of the cicadas accompanying me. It became an afternoon of Ignatian contemplation where I reviewed my weekend.

Much had transpired - many surprises and discoveries - some delightful, and some not so. What was most interesting to me was how my insecurities caused me to react in ways that took me right back to my teenage, angst-filled years.

Hmmm, having worked assiduously on my issues in recent years, I had reckoned I would react in a more mature fashion. Surely I was no longer slave to my OCD tendencies?

This is when I am glad I had made the decision to love Christ with "all my heart, soul mind and strength" for in so doing, I relinquish my will, every day, in order to follow Him.

In this instance, I was freed (as I processed my thoughts and feelings during my time of contemplation) of my impatience and my whiny, insecure, manic girl self.

Despite the inability to predict if the future would bring me what I want (or think I want), in allowing Christ to lead, I know that I will achieve the desires of my heart and experience much joy even before I attain them.

In the meantime, I was affirmed in so many ways.

My neighbour whom I met in church on Sunday bought me breakfast, insisting he pay for me in a very gallant manner.

I was able to give emotional support and advice to women friends who were going through crises and, in turn, received from other woman friends encouraging support.

My youngest bro and I had a chat where he reminded me of the woman I am - caring, nurturing, wise, wonderful and much loved.

I taught well this morning, enjoying the experience of helping clients get more in touch with their bodies.

My life is full of richness and depth as was revealed to me in my time of introspection.

I finish this day, with confidence renewed, calm restored and the conviction that with Christ at the centre of my universe, I am able to do all things.

His will be done. Freely.

Holy wholeness

It's been a little bit of a frustrating time for me for I keep falling sick every week. I won't bore you with a laundry list of ailments, suffice to say I am sick of it all and foing my darnedest to get healthy and fit.

In sharing my woes, A. offered me a very profound thought about two weeks ago. She said that what God wants, first and foremost, is for me to be whole and holy. He is not looking purely for someone to serve Him. Service is secondary, something we do to reciprocate the love we have received from our heavenly Father.

It made me realize that I valued my self-worth based very much on what I could bring to the table. Not surprising seeing as one of my main love languages is acts of service. When I don't accomplish what I think I ought to, I consider myself a failure.

No wonder I get so uptight and critical of my self.

Anyway, I spent the weekend attending the Life in the Spirit Seminar. I went only because I wanted to encourage my cousin and uncle to attend but of course, there was a huge learning lesson for me.

This issue of wholeness that has been floating around in my consciousness for the last two weeks was addressed numerous times for the message is that Jesus came so that we can have life "to the full".

So I managed to let go and let God do His thang this weekend and it was pretty awesome in the mysterium tremendum and fascinosum way.*

Now the trick is to keep remembering that I am called to wholeness and holiness and treat my mind, body and spirit accordingly.

So if I forget, please remind me.

* Read more of Otto's definition: http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/english/melani/gothic/numinous.html

Spirit led

"The wind blows where it pleases and you hear its sound,
but you don't know where it comes from or where it is going.
It is like that with everyone who is born of the Spirit."

The lyricism and power of this verse from John's gospel blows my mind every time I read it.

While it reminds me to desist from attempting to grasp too tightly the mystery and transcendence of the Creator for He is beyond all human understanding, it also reminds me that Christ is immanent, residing right within me.

He is my spirit guide, the inner voice that lights my path with velvet-soft whispers. In order to proceed along the narrow path of God's will, I must use my sensibilities intuitively, relying on a blend of compassion and righteousness that is indubitably Christ's.

It is never easy to navigate based on faith for it can be such a fragile and nebulous thing. Plus being human (and a kiasu Singaporean), I tend to hedge my bets on known facts and figures, and what my head tells me.

I still remember asking E. in Bangalore how will I know if I am following what God wills in my life or simply following my own will? She told me to ask that He speaks to me in ways that I understand. And then to sit back and listen carefully in my sacred spaces of prayer time.

It's amazing what can come from a sincere desire to decipher the movements of the Spirit. While it will never be an exact science, there are instances I know that an unexplainable impulse is Spirit led. This is especially so when I consider the consequences of that said impulse. If it moves me to bear good fruit, beneficial to those around me, then it is as it should be. As He wills it.

Of course there are times I wonder if a decision or idea comes from Him or from me? In those instances, I seek counsel from people whom I trust for their sound judgment. I also read the lay of the land, gathering information from various sources, bringing it to prayer, then seeing where my heart leads me. Consolation or desolation?*

Along the way I've learned not to let fear of making the wrong decision stop me from acting. For even a wrong decision can be made right if my initial and constant desire is to follow His will. The creativity of the Spirit never ceases to surprise me so I am no longer afraid to mess up or go with the flow.

As we honour the 'Advocate' given to us on Pentecost, I give thanks for this great gift of the Holy Spirit and resolve to remain open to living in the Spirit.


* Making use of tools or methodologies of brilliant minds who have trodden the same path before me is of great assistance. I am currently enjoying the revisit of Ignatian spirituality, made easy by Margaret Silf in her book Landmarks.