Making pain work for you

I have experienced a fair bit of pain from a host of ailments this year as well as the emotional pain of accompanying my aunt before she went back to the Lord and I thought I would end the year with a personal reflection on pain. What have I learned from my pain this year? How has it changed me?

I started the year in pain due to plantar fasciitis and I learned that I needed to change the way I lived. Pain is the body’s way of telling me something is wrong, and that adjustments need to be made, sometimes permanently. I resented that. Why must it be different? Why can’t things stay the same? As I made the necessary adjustments I realized that embracing the change that pain brought on was not the worst thing on earth. While my body is less forgiving of abuse as I age, I can learn to treat myself a little better, be a little kinder to my body, work a little smarter. Don’t they say health is wealth?

In developing my spirituality, there is so much focus on being present, and self-awareness, and yet, sometimes, this focus is too narrow and I neglect to do the same for my physical self. Why when my body is the very thing I need in order to be the hands and feet of Christ?What good can I do to help others when I do not help myself first? I am limited when I am in pain. I cannot give fully if I myself am not feeling 100 per cent.

I am getting older. I have to acknowledge my body’s physical decline. I am entering a new phase of my life where mortality stakes its claim in strident hormonal tones. All the wise moves include eating the right foods, stretching, exercising, slowing down, sleeping adequately, and discharging the stresses of the day by practising mindfulness in my body. And when work gets the better of my body, my roller and my lacrosse ball are my BFF. I can no longer get away with doing nothing.

Pain of the psychic type is not as straightforward to deal with. It was tough seeing my aunt suffer so much before her demise. She had bronchitis that developed into pneumonia, and subsequently turned into tuberculosis. Coupled with a weak heart, she was in CCU for eight weeks, spent a week in the normal ward before she slid into a semi-coma and passed away. Why must there be so much suffering, so much desolation before one goes? I found it hard to handle when I visited her. My heart broke to see her so diminished and waif-like. She could not talk nor move. She was alive but completely immobilized and reliant on machines to keep her alive. She was justifiably depressed and wanted to die. Why God? Why? Is this all I have to look forward to in my not too distant future? I come back to pain, and suffering, being part and parcel of life.

God will not meddle to take all the pain and suffering in the world away for then the gift of free will would be taken away from us. Instead, He walks with us. And because He loves us, He weeps with us. He took on humanity to redeem us and we can be like Him when we offer up our pain and suffering for the redemption of the world. Pain can diminish us, but it can also make us heroic. Pain can make us ego-centric, but it can also help us grow beyond our selfishness. In the crucible of pain, we can find maturity, wisdom and fortitude.   

Many of the saints experienced great pain, whether physical or mental, and they somehow rose above their suffering (through grace) to live out their charisms fully. I think of Saint Damien of Molokai who contracted leprosy himself after working tirelessly to improve the living conditions of those banished to Molokai. I think of Saint Pio of Petrulcina who was in poor health and endured long years of embarrassing stigmata. I think of Blessed Mother Teresa who could not experience God’s presence in her life in her latter years but never let on and kept loving the poor and dying. I think of Saint Maximilian Kolbe who voluntarily gave up his life to save another prisoner of war in Auschwitz and suffered starvation/dehydration before being killed by lethal injection. I think of Saint Bernadette who was ridiculed for her visions. These are all ordinary men and women who overcame their own personal pain and suffering to glorify God with their lives.  

I am not suggesting we manufacture our own pain and suffering which many unfortunately do through unwise choices in life, but I can see that when pain strikes, there is always a way out. Sometimes it is going by common sense, which is God-given anyway, but when it gets really tough, it is through God, with God, and in God, in unity with the Holy Spirit.

In the New Year I hope to be a little cleverer and a little more diligent in dealing with pain. And when it is beyond me, let me rely on Him and His wisdom alone.

Expanding the Christmas story

Montalban in Quezon City is a dumpsite where those who used to live in the slums in Manila were relocated (dumped, more like). When you enter into the area you are struck by  the constant traffic of lumbering garbage trucks transporting trash to be sorted out. Trash shops line the streets, buying the recyclables from scavengers. It is hot, dusty and the air is heavy with pollutants, by-products of the burning trash. Off in the distance you see emerald green hills, but the immediate terrain is arid grey, the roads are bumpy and potholed.

When you enter Harangan, you step into a wasteland of trash piled high everywhere. As you walk around the mounds of garbage, stepping mostly on discarded plastic wrappers and receptacles your senses are assailed by the heat and the stench of decomposing matter mingled with acrid smoke of burning plastic. Amidst the filth squat crowded, flimsy hovels cobbled from cardboard, corrugated zinc and canvas, often laid on top of rubbish.



This place is a death trap, and yet, here is where many young families live. Children throng the playground of discarded glass bottles, plastic containers, computer parts and rubber gloves. Mothers with infants are a common sight, as are pregnant women. Despite the relative youth of the population, everyone looks at you with dead, hopeless eyes.

As I stand, perspiring profusely in the oppressive heat, I can barely breathe, and not just because it stinks, but I am afraid of the swarming flies, afraid that I may inhale one or eat one accidentally as I sing. Singing We Wish You A Merry Christmas jars my sensibilities. I do not feel joyful being in extreme physical discomfort, neither can I be bringing joy to the families I visit. Who am I kidding? It's ludicrous to expect anyone to be glad in such circumstances, even for a while. And if they are, so what? Life does not change appreciably after we leave.

But hardened as they are by poverty, they are happy to see us, and they welcome us. Many weep when we pray for them. All are grateful that they are not forgotten, that someone thinks them important enough to call them by name, to hear their stories and pray with them. They hold the little blessed photo of the Holy Family with reverent hands. With lighter hearts and radiant smiles they bid us goodbye.

Reverse carolling in Montalban is always a stretch, both physically and mentally. Such places should not exist on our planet, it's depressing that they do. And yet, there are many graces, one of which is the Balikatan Ministry. I am always awed and inspired by their faith, their compassion for others and how empowered they are, although they themselves are not much better off then those we visit. I love visiting with them to catch up on life.

Joecellan, Maricor and Noralyn are the hardworking leaders who live in nearby Suburban and do all the initial tedious legwork weeks before we descend on them, sussing out who are the poorer families in the areas we visit and could do with some extra food. And finally, together, we go out as a cohesive team over one and a half days, united in the spirit of giving, bringing the message of Christ's preferential love to the families.

As I finally entered Christmas this year, all that I did over the days of reverse carolling came flooding back. The message of the readings I heard and the carols I sang echoed what we proclaimed during reverse carolling, that Jesus was born to be with us (God so loved the world that He gave us His only Son and if we believe this, we will not perish and we will have eternal life, John 3:16), and he chose a particular manner to come into the world: He was born poor to be with the poor. He does not forget or neglect any of us in our poverty, He brings light to our darkness; joy to our suffering.

This message of Christmas is the Christian vocation. If I love God, I must love others especially my brothers and sisters in need. I must not, cannot, forget them.  And so I prayed especially for those in Mindoro who suffered the recent typhoon. I prayed for single women parents like Ate Laling who have no means of income. I prayed for toddler Mark Jacob's family, who lost him a day before we held our outreach in Kavisayaan. I wondered if Rona's 21 year old nephew will get the necessary medical assistance* soon so he can see (he has cataracts) or whether the little boy with the broken jaw is better? Then there is the little girl who has a protrusion from her chest.

Pope Francis in his Christmas Urbi et Orbi message said:

He alone, he alone can save us.  Only God’s mercy can free humanity from the many forms of evil, at times monstrous evil, which selfishness spawns in our midst.  The grace of God can convert hearts and offer mankind a way out of humanly insoluble situations.

Where God is born, hope is born.  Where God is born, peace is born.  And where peace is born, there is no longer room for hatred and for war.  Yet precisely where the incarnate Son of God came into the world, tensions and violence persist, and peace remains a gift to be implored and built.

The Pope went on to pray for peace in the world; for the end to violence, terrorism, countries at war, people persecuted for various reasons and for people deprived of their human dignity and, like the child Jesus, suffer cold, poverty, and rejection. May our closeness today be felt by those who are most vulnerable, especially child soldiers, women who suffer violence, and the victims of human trafficking and the drug trade. Neither did he forget the poor or the unemployed.

Pope Francis ended with this encouragement:

Where God is born, mercy flourishes. Mercy is the most precious gift which God gives us, especially during this Jubilee year in which we are called to discover that tender love of our heavenly Father for each of us. May the Lord enable prisoners in particular to experience his merciful love, which heals wounds and triumphs over evil.  

The world we live in needs a lot of work. We must, each one, continue to work towards peace, justice and equality in our spheres of influence through mercy. May our hearts be moved by the Christmas message of inclusive, selfless love and may we live out Christmas every day. Peace out.

*  Those we meet who require medical attention get referred to relevant groups that can offer them the necessary assistance.

Post-reverse carolling reflection

Since returning from reverse carolling in the Philippines, it's been hard to shift gears, especially since my flight home last Tuesday was delayed for one and a half hours by the typhoon-created winds at the airport and I later found out that one of the people we visited in Mindoro had died due to the typhoon. Mindoro was in the path of Typhoon Nona or Melor and Father Caloy had messaged that he himself was forced to evacuate, roofs had blown off the homes of many, and dry clothes and food were in short supply.

It is hard to get jolly in the face of natural disaster and my own personal close shave, and the abject poverty I just experienced. Plus, this is the period of Advent, a period where I am supposed to prepare my heart to receive the gift of Immanuel, God with us. It is not a season of anticipated gorging, gift-giving and financial extravagance. I find it quite ironic that Americans who assiduously avoid using the word Christmas throw themselves so enthusiastically into the Christmas season and engage in a frenzy of spending and of decorating their homes so lavishly.

Yes, Christmas is the season for gift-giving, but not of the material. Christmas is the story of the greatest gift of all time, the tale of salvation incarnate in the tiny Christ child. To truly enter into the spirit of Christmas, one must spread the joy of this message of redemption. I need to sit quietly and contemplate what I can do to prepare my heart to receive this awesome gift come December 25.

During reverse carolling, we spoke of feelings of helplessness when faced with the ugly, pervasive and continued presence of poverty and what it does to the human spirit and body. Here is where many rail at God for not doing anything to change desperate situations, or where many disavow the existence of God. We forget that we are loved so much that we are given free will, and that we can turn around the darkness that envelopes us when we turn to God and work with Him. Neither natural disasters nor poverty can defeat us, especially if we all work together to rebuild and transform.

During the penitential service I attended last week, Father spoke of the importance of this
Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy that we have just entered on December 8. When we are faced precisely with moments where we feel helpless, or where the darkness threatens to overwhelm, then we engage in prayer. He encouraged me to pray the Divine Mercy chaplet to ask for the gift of God's mercy, then to witness and participate in the wonderful mystery of mercy that will manifest in the world. I found this such a beautiful message of hope: greater and wonderful things are yet to come, so let us continue to be faithful and obedient in spirit. Thus will the power of God's mercy unfold fully in the world.

As Father Caloy preached on December 8, this Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy is a time where we allow ourselves to experience the mercy of God as true prodigals who repent and receive the Father's generous forgiveness; where we actively share this message of God's loving mercy with others; and where we ourselves must show mercy to others as true disciples and missionaries of Christ.

To be true missionaries, Father Caloy shared, on another occasion, the significance of creativity (keep finding ways to make something work instead of giving up), for us to work with a sense of urgency, and to team up with others for we cannot go it alone. When I think of how the team* of people came together this reverse carolling under the direction and driving force of ICPE Mission Philippines (thank you Albert, Esther and Joan and their lovely guests Adjka and Katka from Slovakia), and how we worked with various different teams - the San Isidro Labrador Chaplaincy under Father Caloy in Mindoro, the Missionaries of Charity sisters in Kavisayaan, the Claretian sisters in Salaban, and the Balikatan community in Montalban - I am awed at how God connected us all to make all the outreaches successful, not forgetting the generous group of donors from Singapore and the Missionary Society of Saint Paul (MSSP) fathers who kindly offered us a home for our overnight stay in Manila. When we labour as one people to bring in the harvest, then it will indeed be a rich and plentiful one.

While I must get busy preparing my home to receive guests and for the massive cookfest and multiple gatherings of family and friends, I will hold fast to the profound meaning of Christmas and make room for Jesus in the sacred emptiness of my heart. I will also continue to hold the families we visited in my heart and not forget them in the comfort of my home here in Singapore.

*  To complete the team, Jeanny brought with her from KK Ben, Ian, Louisa and Luke. 

Reverse carolling in Mindoro

Carolling in Mindoro was one of the easiest reverse carolling experiences physically, but also one of the most challenging emotionally. It was easy because Father Caloy and his team of dedicated volunteers from San Isidro Labrador Chaplaincy was extremely hospitable and super organized, and assisted us fully, driving us almost point to point everywhere, and carrying the hampers which were filled with four kilos of rice, canned food and other grocery basics.

It was very difficult emotionally for the poverty of the families we visited was quite extreme. Life is hard. There is barely any work to be found every day even if one wants to work. Often we visited families whose breadwinner, the man of the house, was home, sitting in the darkness of his ramshackle hut with vacant, hopeless eyes.

There were instances we came across single parent families like Ate Laling's, whose husband left her for another women, leaving her with two children to feed besides herself. At the time she was left to fend for her family, she was in such dire straits that she was forced to live in an abandoned pig pen with her two children. She has no source of income and her daughter who is around fifteen has a mental disability and is incapable of doing much. Ate Laling herself is mentally challenged and does not comprehend much. When we visited, her twelve year old son was in school and she now lives in a hut built for her family next to the pig pen.

Farming is back-breaking work, especially rice, or padi, which is manually planted. After the landlord takes a substantial share of the harvest, the farmer gets his share which he sells to the middle man at a depressed price who then sells it for exponentially more money. Whatever pittance the farmer earns must last him through the next planting cycle until harvest time rolls around again. In the meantime he can only hope he has no emergencies that require extra cash for he cannot afford it. Neither can he afford a poor harvest due to inclement weather conditions.

Most of the people I met did not own the squalid, cramped shacks they call home. They literally live in darkness when the sun sets, mostly forgotten, hunkering down amidst the untamed greenery and the fields of cultivated padi, corn, banana, coconut and calamansi. And yet, they were hospitable when we came calling, offering us buko or coconut juice and saman (rice wrapped in banana leaves). Father Caloy calls it the richness of the poor.

What can be done to help them break the poverty cycle when the issues run so deep? It is systemic, structural (some places have no running water and people have to visit the church well for water every day) and cultural (the Munyan hill tribe is largely looked down on and ignored, as are the single female parent families, the elderly, the sick and the handicapped destitute).

I felt angry, sad and helpless when I learned the stories of each family I visited. And yet there is hope. One person can make a difference. This was my take home message from Mindoro. Father Caloy is a man for the people, especially the poor and the marginalized. He has a heart for the poorest of the poor and works tirelessly to better their lives and further their cause.

Because of his wide-ranging vision and unwavering love for the poor, he has founded a community of like-minded volunteers in the San Isidro Labrador Chaplaincy who work with him to effect a change in the outlying areas. In turn, there has been a trickle down effect such that the barangay or village captains and the people living within the different barangays are themselves sensitive to the cries of help from their neighbours and lend a hand when needed even when they themselves are not much better off. Ate Laling's new hut is a result of such communal cooperation.

It was amazing to witness such a spirit of solidarity and subsidiarity amongst the people, and I have a great admiration for Father Caloy for he talks and walks the talk all the time. Here is a pastor, a priest,  who live among the poor and takes on the smell of his flock, who goes in search of the lost sheep and carries it home on his shoulders to safety.

If you know the story of the boy who walked along the shoreline picking up beached starfish to throw them back into the water, Father Caloy is the boy who not only throws the distressed starfish back, but he has a band of friends who follow his example, and he has even inspired the starfish in the shallows to pull their brothers and sisters on the sand back to the safety of the water.

So when I start to think that I, as one woman, cannot do much to effect social change, I just need to think of Father Caloy. All things are possible for God and if I walk in faith as Father Caloy does, I can make a difference. A big one.

This is the way - preparation day II

Yesterday at mass Father RV asked when did we last see miracles happen? He wanted us to ponder this question. I received one this morning as I meditated on today's Scripture readings, first from Isaiah 30:19-21,23-26, then Psalm 146:1-6, and finally the Gospel from Matthew 9:35-10:1,5,6-8.

Everything fell into place for me. It couldn't be clearer for today's readings are all about the commissioning and sending of disciples to encourage the harassed and the dejected. If I go boldly and give freely, as Jesus did, then I will live today in the Good News of the Kingdom. I am excited to depart for Mindoro tomorrow for many miracles will happen. Seeds will yield a veritable harvest and we will help harvest the bounty the Lord has provided. All who partake will be nourished, body and soul.

The Lord will go, I need only obey. 
'This is the way, follow it.’
For He has heard the cries of the poor
And He sends me, and you, 
With authority and power
To cure the sick, raise the dead, 
cleanse the lepers, cast out devils.
Happy are those who hope in the Lord!
For gone is the bread of suffering, 
the water of distress
He will send rain for the seed you sow, 
The bread that the ground provides 
will be rich and nourishing.
No more darkness, only light, 
Life-giving and bright.
Happy are all who hope in the Lord.

Preparing for reverse carolling

It is that time of year where I find myself in the Philippines for reverse carolling (my fifth foray) and I find myself still not quite able to articulate well why I do this when I am asked the question. There are many reasons, of course. In fact, too many for me to be able to share coherently in casual conversation, but at its deepest level, it remains a mystery for it is my response to God's invitation to be here.

As Blaise Pascal said: The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing. He is spot on.

Reverse carolling is a heart response for me and the heart is where God speaks to me the loudest. When I am moved to action, like the Good Samaritan was (our Scripture for reflection was Luke 10:25-37), that is when I know I must respond with great sincerity and love, as Jesus did in His ministry on earth.

We spent the day in preparation for it is important to prepare the heart so that we can be open to the movement of the Spirit and can thus respond most appropriately. I found it very difficult to reflect today, not from lack of trying, and it was a little unnerving. I do not presume to know it all and I am going in with no expectation except my desire to meet Jesus in the poor and hopefully be a powerful sign of His love to those I will meet.

If truth be told, I feel empty, and I am hoping it is the emptiness of expectant faith and the emptiness of dying to self that I bring with me when I am out there. At today's commissioning mass, Father told us a story of how instead of being given what we ask for, we will be handed the seeds. It is up to us to work with Jesus to grow those seeds so that they will become the fruit of whatever it is that we so desire. The transformation from seed to fruit is where we will see miracles manifest.

We have another day of preparation tomorrow so I will wait on the Lord for I know the seeds have already been given to me and He will reveal to me during these coming days what are the fruits that I will receive, and in turn, share them with the many people I will meet in Mindoro, Tagaytay and Montalban. I just have to be patient, and wait.

Lord, please grant me a listening and obedient heart so that I can be a missionary of mercy who will bring new life and profound, lasting joy to those I meet, and to my own soul. And let miracles abound as your glory becomes visible to and in all of us.