Crown of beauty

These last two weeks I have been reflecting on crowns, a symbol of royalty, which is also your, and my inheritance. Do I want it? I don't always behave as if I do. Nor do I always believe I am deserving of my royal lineage.

Saint Maximilian Kolbe had a vision when he was 12. He saw the Mother of God holding out two crowns to him, a white one and a red one; white for purity and red for martyrdom. He accepted both, and lived his life accordingly. He is aptly named the Apostle of Consecration to Mary, and he died in Auschwitz when he voluntarily gave up his life for another who was condemned to die.

While I don't think I will ever have his fervour or courage, I am hoping that the white crown of purity will be mine, this crown of beauty, a royal diadem that Isaiah wrote about in chapter 62, for both P and I need it to ensure our marriage will be a true meeting of minds and heart; a union centred on Christ, with His mothe leading us to Him. May this crown of purity heal us, edify us, and help us grow more and more into the individuals we are created to be.

I wear a crown on my head.
It has been mine
since the day I was born.
Fashioned in gold,
intricately worked,
Encrusted with jewels,
crystalline and colourful.
How much you say it is worth?
Beyond priceless
Only because it was bought
Through, with, and
In the blood of the Lamb.
Although I sully it often,
prying out the stones,
Exchanging them
for worldly dross
It retains
a semblance of grace:
Imago dei
Nothing can separate us
from the love of Christ
Unless we disdain the gift.
So choose wisely
Every day.
Faith is not for the foolish
or faint-hearted.

I once gave away my crown
for far too long.
Lost my identity
My dignity
And my integrity.
Even wracked with pain,
I convinced myself
I was good.
I was fine!
Hey, I was free_
Rocking the pleasure principle.
A profligate prodigal
Gorging yet starving.
So don't believe
everything you hear
There is a hell, and sin
Will get you there.
It is true, you only live once.
Precisely why this life
must count for something.
Wear the crown with pride.
Labour with love
To make it shine
Let others bask in the glow
Of love's sweet sacrifice.
Don't stop!
Do not be afraid.
As it is proclaimed in 2:10*
Remain faithful until death
And I will give you the crown of life.

* The book of Revelations that we have been reading daily in the lectionary. 

Extraordinary Day of Mercy

Yesterday marked the end of the Extraordinary Year of Mercy. It was also the close of the liturgical year as we celebrated the Feast of Christ the King. Not only that, but it was a special day for P, and for me.

It started on many missteps: me waking up tired, then running late, and frantically trying to finish my chores on time, him oversleeping that led to a change in plans for us, getting lost on the way to an unfamiliar church, going to the wrong church for a baptism where I was godmother, bad weather... I was frazzled, to say the least, for my brain was on ditz overdrive - I really felt like a failure. It was only when I reflected back on the day, in the evening, that I could see all things were meant to be and we both received God's mercy as individuals, and as a couple. A precious gift of a day that turned out to be extraordinary!

When I first said Christ the King, P felt it was the wrong church and that we should be heading to one of the 'Holy Door' churches, but a small voice inside of me emphatically said Christ the King, so off we went to Christ the King. Besides praying in the adoration room, I was able to visit A's niche and pray for her. As I stood there in the columbarium, I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit very strongly (very unusual), and I felt that A was truly with Jesus in paradise; home, at peace and happy.

M happened to message me half an hour before our meeting time, and I, for some reason, decided then to check the venue, only to discover I was in the wrong church! Thanks to P, we made it, in good time, to Holy Cross, a 'Holy Door' church.

The baptism mass was Spirit-filled. Again I have never felt the presence of the Holy Spirit so palpably at a baptism, this was confirmed later by both M, and P, who actually stayed back for the mass, much to my surprise and delight (at the prompting of the said Spirit). It was a joyous occasion marked by beautiful singing, and a dedicated, enthusiastic service team. Jesus was in the house.

Many little things that mean a lot to me added to the joy of the day, such as the stained glass depicting the wedding at Cana (our wedding mass Gospel text), and the recessional hymn, Testify to Love. It brought back memories of how the W2W Ministry once celebrated International Woman's Day with a mass, where A, K and I danced to this song. It was a scary, but fun day, for it was something I had never done before, dance for the Lord in front of an unknown audience.

When we throw ourselves into life exuberantly, seeking first to do the Lord's will in everything, practising joyful obedience even when we are not quite sure why we do certain things, there is a payoff. As Father Michael Gaitley highlights in Day 12 of his booklet, 33 Days to Morning Glory, a do-it-yourself journey to Marian consecration, Maximilian Kolbe's formula for holiness is W+w=S: His Will in which we unite our wills to is what leads to sanctity. We become holy as He is holy.

As part of our spiritual preparation for marriage, P and I are doing this 33 day Marian consecration and I believe yesterday was just one of the gifts that comes directly from this consecration journey. The Holy Spirit is the one who directs us if we let Him. When P and I obeyed His urgings yesterday, we both received the graces of conviction and consolation. We both know Jesus is very present in our lives, and the Holy Spirit is our living proof.

I could hear the Father say, not just to M, but to me as well: This is my beloved in whom I am well pleased. A gold crown was offered; a crown I accept with joy, for it signifies a kinship between me and Christ, the King, one I boast of most proudly, and one I hope will grow stronger each passing day. Today, I give thanks by testifying to His infinite love and abundant mercy.

Mercy musings - vindication & salvation

As the Extraordinary Year of Mercy draws to an end soon, I look at my take aways: how has the year been for me, have I stretched enough to make a difference, and what should I continue to do beyond this year?

My Year began with reverse carolling in Mindoro last December and it was a good way to realize that everything I have comes from God, and to share what I have, as generously as possible, with those who have little or none. Although it may seem impossible to cure the world's ills, I cannot stop trying for Isaiah 61 is a mandate for daily living if I truly believe in Christ.

I am inspired by Father Caloy Paglicawan, who is a force of nature in his world, a force that has brought hope, faith and joy, the light of Christ into the darkness of poverty. He, and many others like him, are workers in the vineyard who make a difference in the lives of those around them. They choose to be a part of His people, and so do I.

Wherever God chooses to situate me, I will go. Sometimes this involves hard choices, and I cannot say I set out wholeheartedly (feeling inadequate, weary, and a little crazy come to mind), or whether I heed all the cries I hear, but I can only try sincerely. Simply to say yes and go, and let Him do the rest. This has become increasingly clear these past months for the way ahead will be characterized by tremendous change, something that requires from me much deeper reserves of faith, and more mercy all around.

In all his messages, the Pope usually encourages us to go beyond the letter of the law, especially on the topic of mercy. We first need to understand the law, but more than that, we need to inscribe it on our hearts, internalized it such that we are not fixated on executing it just so, or spend our time arguing minor points to prove we know it best, but to live it out fully in thoughts, words and deeds, quietly and humbly. The law is but a guide to confirm our actions when we are in doubt.

Lest we forget, love of God and others is what we should be shooting for, and in order to do this, we need humility, compassion, courage, patience, and an unwavering orientation towards forgiveness. B calls this my jubilee year and she is right for I have experienced reconciliation in a few key relationships that have gone sour for years where all I could do previously was to maintain as much a loving and forgiving attitude as possible. It has been arduous but with prayer as my modus operandi, I have managed to maintain my equilibrium and self-worth in order to do the right thing, knowing all the time that I could always do better, that is, be more loving and forgiving.

Striving for the spirit of the law has now become my preferred choice over a more legalistic way of doing things as it gives me more joy and inner peace. I do not waste my time figuring out if I have performed sufficiently but assume that I should go the distance as long as I do not cause harm to myself. And as the parable of the dutiful servant (Luke 17:7-10) reminds me, what I do is not particularly noteworthy for I am merely doing what I ought to do. No self appointed sainthood in the offing even as I take pleasure in being good and doing good, and making my Father smile.

The loss of J, the meeting of P, the illness of E, and then C, all the emotional ups and downs have made for a year where I often wished I did not love so much. And yet, life is all about love; as the hymn goes, to live is to love with all your heart. Love is my ethos so I am just going to go for it, despite the expected scrapes and bruises I will receive along the way. I will not fear the bad that comes with the good, but will celebrate both with appropriate equanimity. Many good things come out of the bad as history usually proves anyway.

A recurring lesson for me these past months is to hold everything lightly in my hands, whether it be joy, grief, peace, despair, anger, fear, bitterness, pride or satisfaction. This infers thanking the Lord in all situations, and the ability to be grateful - it has certainly helped me keep things on a more even keel, even in the massive tsunamis of disaster and loss.

Being good does not mean not having fun - goodness and pleasure are not mutually exclusive. I do tend to err on the side of serious and intense, demanding perfection of myself in whatever I do, becoming Martha-like self-righteous and querulous at times. So meeting P has been good for my soul for he makes me laugh and reminds me that keeping a sanguine frame of mind helps me be more tolerant and patient. I am learning not to take myself too seriously: to hold life loosely in my palms, and to walk lightly with an unburdened and listening heart.

Perhaps Saint Vincent de Paul says it best: If humble souls are contradicted, they remain calm; if they are calumniated, they suffer with patience; if they are little esteemed, neglected, or forgotten, they consider that their due; if they are weighed down with occupations, they perform them cheerfully.

Mercy will never go out of fashion. So I would like to continue walking in Christ's footsteps and help the poor, imprisoned and broken-hearted be restored to wholeness and liberation. In order to do this, I need to ensure that I, myself, am not impoverished, enslaved, or in despair. E told me recently that Isaiah 62 is mine this season. I will take that, the Father's loving vindication and salvation, and I look forward to my future - delight, marriage, holiness, to be sought after and not forgotten - just more of His mercy in my life, both on the receiving end, and in the giving.

Second spring

The old woman knew at a glance
Second spring!
She pronounced with delight
and a certain sweet gravitas.
The second time around
you already know how
an immature love can strangulate
pierce the heart mortally
when it degenerates into vinegar
descending into ashes
never to rise again.
The morning star shyly peeps
through the darkest fingers of dawn
Quietly casting a healing light
on hearts leached of hope.
A gentle rose, she exudes
an infectious joy and optimism
She whispers of the charms of
a mystical second naïveté 
This time, it is right - it is good.
The fire has sanctified and cleansed
yielding true intentions and pure hearts
Gaze upon the face of God,
drinking the most luscious wine ever
transformed from insipid water.
The promise of Cana beckons_
So let the dance of spring begin
The second time, like second wine, is best.

Casting out fear

Last weekend, when I had some time to be still and reflect, I came face to face with one single emotion: pure, unadulterated fear. I am absolutely petrified as I approach marriage.

I am not afraid that I am making the wrong decision for I know it is the right decision. I can see how P is, and will continue to be a great blessing in my life, as I can see how I am, and will continue to be a great blessing in his (a note to my fellow sisters, it is vastly important you know what you are worth, a lot, and how much you ought to be treasured, very much, by the man you are going to spend the rest of your life with). I can also see that our coming together has the Father's stamp of approval on it.

So why the heart-stopping fear? I would be a naive fool if I did not have any fears, some of which are quite legitimate, but this crazy colossal one comes from a place of shadows where my brokenness resides. It is a place where challenges are incredibly magnified, and situations are distorted beyond recognition and hope such that I fear I will fail miserably and lose everything I hold dear: my principles, my identity and my freedom.

I know it's hugely irrational and therefore I am glad I have been able to allow God to root Himself in me (thanks E) so that I have not reacted in a volatile or negative manner.

Two pieces of Scripture have come to my rescue. The first is Exodus 14:14: The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.

This promise has kept me going during some very low points in my life. No reason to doubt that He will continue to work miracles in my life, as He has done so in the past. I just have to trust, as P often tells me.

The other Word comes from Romans 12:12: Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.

If I believe in Christ, and I say I do, then I should be like Joy in the movie Inside Out. Nothing can bring me down. I should radiate positivity and gentle calm even when chaos descends. So it's through Him, with Him and in Him - it's the only way.

When I put my fears aside, I can say that these have been the happiest days of my life. P brings depth and richness to my existence. He makes my being sing. The sweetest moment in my day is when he turns and smiles in greeting to me when we meet for morning mass at Blessed Sacrament. Sitting, standing and kneeling next to him, worshipping God as a couple, affords such strength to the relationship as we allow Jesus to be the one who binds us together in love.

So what am I afraid of again? Life is good, not perfect, as it can never be, but very good. And that should be enough to make my fears disappear for as we all know in 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear... and that perfect love can be mine through Christ. No fear.