Five loaves and two fish

It’s been an extremely interesting week. Amidst the rushing around, the eating and the drinking (my brothers have been visiting, one from Taichung and one from Seattle, and we’ve been gathering with family and friends to celebrate practically every night as the last goes back tonight), the learning lesson for the week coalesced yesterday.

It began when I had met M. last Sunday and we had chatted extensively about our dreams as we went on our bridge walk (we are doing the chapter on deepest desires in Margaret Silf’s Landmarks).

It was great fun and invigorating to share our dreams and build castles in the air for P. had inspired both M. and myself when she shared how she wanted to run a resort that would give back to the local community in a big way.

It was clear from last Friday’s meeting that all of us have an innate desire to help others, something Maslow theorized years ago in his hierarchy of needs.

The question is how and when do we fulfill this “helping others” desire, among all the very many we have?

Most of us tend to focus on what I call “luxury” desires like I want to go muck diving in Lembeh Strait, see mola mola in Bali and hammerheads in Layang Layang…


I want to spend three weeks in Hawaii every year just walking, swimming and decompressing under my favourite hau tree on Waikiki beach.

I want to take my mother to Floriade in Amsterdam in 2012 and all the great gardens in the world; and oh, the latest one, I want to go on The Gibbon Experience in Laos, live in tree-tops and zip-line across the canopy.

The list just goes on and on and these typically consume most of our energy and resources for who doesn’t want to have fun?

Most people, like P. who came to dinner last night, say, “I will help the poor when I retire, when I have time”. Brother, the time is now.

Every day, we are given opportunities to “help the poor”, but do we take them? Who are the poor among us? Even in affluent Singapore, they exist and I am not just talking about those who are hungry for food and drink whom we can help very easily by writing a cheque if we but open our eyes to their plight.

Living in a city bristling with noise and endless distraction can make for great spiritual poverty. My client S. shared a great quote from Gandhi yesterday: “There’s more to life than increasing its speed”.

While I agree with that, it’s nigh impossible to slow down so I try to be sensitive to life’s impulses. Keep an open mind and be prepared to chop and change my plans in order to make time to spend a moment with those who need a listening ear, visit with a sick friend or just spend quality time with loved ones, especially ageing parents who always get pushed to the bottom of the list if they are not sick.

Say yes, rather than no, even if it means taking on too much on your plate and you don’t feel up to the task (ie you don’t think you’re good enough). For if it’s meant to happen, things will happen but you have to give God some material to work with.

Instead of saying, “I don’t have time,” it’s really up to us to be creative with our time and use it well.

I am always inspired when I see my physio Elaine, who is bursting with life and energy and juggles multiple balls and hats. She manages to make a living, help many people get well, push herself to the limit to learn, explore and grow, find time to dream and work towards fulfilling her dreams, while taking time to help the “needy”. She is a woman who has allowed her five loaves and two fish to be multiplied and used to feed many.

So in the smorgasbord of life, how do I choose which desires to pursue in the immediate and in the long term that are edifying for both me and others?

Ultimately it’s about connecting with people. If I listen with my heart and learn to identify what the needs and wants of others are and fulfill them in a manner that promotes mutual respect and dignity then I go beyond writing a cheque, the mere act of bestowing largesse that doesn’t involve much sacrifice.

And in the process, I learn more about myself and receive more, much more than just feeling good about myself.

I get to witness the miracle of exponential multiplication that starts with a simple desire and a humble offering.

Talitha kum

Come little girl, awake with the day,
It’s time to get up! To laugh and play.
Dance for joy and sing with pleasure,
As life unfolds untold treasure.

Come little girl, arise from your slumber!
The sun is rising and glowing amber.
You are the child chosen to lead the way,
For grown-ups are lost and in disarray.

Come little girl, grab hold of my hand,
I need you to be, to make my stand.
Show the world what love is all about,
So all can enjoy; erasing the doubt.

Come little girl, give me a sweet smile,
To brighten my day, make me stay awhile,
You know the real truth: you are my bliss
I need you to speak so many don’t miss.

Inside each of us, a child lies sleeping
She must awaken, to stop our weeping.
Restore the wholeness of our being,
Allow us to feel what we are seeing.

Inspired by Mark 5:41

Finding your inner compass

At last Friday's W2W meeting, we were sharing about the inner compass and whether we were attuned to it. It is clear that for many of us, things are not that transparent all of the time.

For some it has to do with career and whether they are fulfilling their deepest desire of helping others.

For others, it is the difficulty in connecting to the inner self - the journey from head to heart being a challenging one, especially for those who find it hard to trust their own instincts and inner convictions and who need to rely on hard facts.

What makes it tough is trying to sift out the truth about our real selves amidst the very human and, dare I say it, dysfunctional relationships with family and friends. It may be a neverending story but one well worth the effort.

Most of us measure how much we are loved through the eyes and actions of those around us and when the values and vision of said others are distorted, we see ourselves through the filters of many untruths, arriving at the truth of Christ's love only in the head (see June 19th's Random acts) and not truly feeling the love.

While I have grown much better at being led by my inner compass, there was a time I was clueless.

How did I learn? It all began with a deep, desperate longing, a burning thirst for answers that pointed me to God.

It's always easier to look for answers elsewhere and I have tried most of 'em -codependent relationships, material goods, work, status, money, food, alcohol, worldly pleasures... and found passing happiness at a great price of addiction, obsession, disordered desires and zero self-love.

When we rationalize our decisions and either continue to squat in the same rank hole not daring to move (despite knowing we are not happy and have to do something about the situation) or wander off a more attractive-looking path; that's where we find ourselves at a huge roadblock, unable to go forward spiritually or emotionally.

And we keep running around in circles of destructive pattterns of behaviour, unable to help ourselves.

However, with the decision to choose life, and God, came an even more difficult challenge. I had to learn to let go and die to self. Well, Jesus did promise whoever loses her life will find it.

This was the challenge E. threw me when I finally found the humility to say, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned against you," and subsequently experienced His forgiving and healing love.

"It's time to leave the boat!" - and embrace a new way of life.

By allowing the flames of purification to wash over me (I said goodbye to relationship, career, money, position and my old self-destructive ways) as I walked the fiery, narrow path, I found myself, a self I happen to like and approve of very much.

Letting go is extremely hard and it's something I have to do every day.

I play the WWJD (what would Jesus do) and the WWMD (what would Mary do) games. I offer up Ignatius's suscipe prayer. I rely on the Word, the Eucharist and the examen consciousness heavily.

In the course of letting go, I have realised that there can be no half-measures. As Heidi Klum would state with grave finality, either "You're in!" or "You're out!". If you are "in", it means making prayer a way of life. It's the only way to locate an inner compass that is in good working order.

The more I create sacred spaces in my busy day, the more I gain in clarity, and sanity.

Whenever I say, "Sorry Jesus, I love you, but I just don't have time for you today," I miss the opportunity to quench my longings and understand what makes me do the things I do.

At times, I end up walking around, lost in a fog, for I don't receive those divine inspired insights and flashes of brilliance that allow me to decipher life and make better choices.

If you're looking for a manual, there isn't one for it's so absurdly easy: commit to quiet time with JC.

You may need to figure out what quiet time actually means for you - experiment with devotional prayer, daily mass, daily reading of the Gospel, spending time in the adoration room, praying the the Divine Office, journalling, meditation and prayer walks...

In all this, there must be a point in time that you actually sit still consciously, and allow Christ to speak in the thoughts of your heart. Don't look at the clock! I dare you!

In The Virtues of an Authentic Life, Haring speaks of the virtue of patience and holy impatience as necessary in "dealing with ourselves and with our neighbours". Without "patient self-love and healthy self-respect", we can never gain inner peace and "full human maturation" that true patience affords.

Patience has never my strong suit but I have found that cultivating patience helps me keep the faith, find hope in impossible situations and be a more loving person. As Haring puts it, it can be "a great force of healing power" for it enables us to stand still and let God take over.

So in trying to find the inner compass that points us to the reality of true self and the experience of true love, it's about seeking with great longing, humble repentance, letting go and dying to self, giving God carte blanche in all areas of life, getting chummy and on a first name basis with Jesus and being gently patient with our clumsy attempts at loving self and neighbour.

It's also about trusting Jesus and trusting that we actually hear Him, especially if we've made a genuine attempt to know Him it will happen (but nothing replaces quality prayer time for this to occur).

Finally, it's about believing in ourselves (as D. would say, "God did not create junk"), in the gift of love from the Creator (who made each of us as a gift to ourselves and for His own pleasure) and in the grace of faith.

If as Christians we do not or cannot believe the above, then we are merely existing and not living fully. A tragic thing.

Walking on water

When I shared my ambivalence about my birthday this year, my dear coz E. commented it could be that this new year would be a watershed year for me.

Just thinking about it brought on a conflict of trepidation, dread and eagerness. As she had previously predicted my faith formation fast track and proved accurate, I tend to believe her pronouncements.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I know she is right for I have already begun to sense the rumblings of change, a deeper, metamorphic call from within.

"In saying yes, I have to go, but do I really want to go there?"

Since 2003, I have made the decision to to be guided by one thing in life and that has earned me disbelief, scorn, anger, hostility, betrayal, loss, resentment, contempt and loss, even as I have gained strength, courage, wisdom, self-respect, peace, freedom, resolve, approbation, faith, joy and much love.

The last two months have brought a concatenation of insights and revelations that have given me a faith-grounded sense of self (and "belovedness") that also challenges me to take it to the next level.

I find myself caught up in life, energized yet drained by the buzz of connectedness; in love with life's every moment and what it has to offer, yet in despair over its rainbow sheened soap bubble fragility.

I am caught between consolation and desolation, the tension of doing too little and too much, constantly seeking to redefine the meaning of love - unconditional and infinite - and putting into action my values and beliefs; often pursuing an imperfect course of action, thereby sacrificing a potentially good (even better?) alternative.

In willing the one thing, the price is paradoxically exorbitant and invitingly minimal. And I will never know where I am led until I get there. But increasingly, I am learning to appreciate the journey and put less effort into divining the destination.

As my SD told me today, I should spend more time with Peter: Peter who asked to be able to walk on water and was granted his wish, yet allowed a sea of doubt to weigh him down.

Likewise, when I find myself sinking in my very human fears and doubts, I would do well to catch hold of that outstretched hand of the one who will hold on firmly and never let me drown.