Incarnating the Visitation

Today is the Feast of the Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary and it is a beautiful way to end the Marian month of May. I was reminded this morning how much grace there is in the recitation of the rosary and asking Our Lady for her intercession.  She helped me this morning to examine a situation closely and see the truth in it. It is good to have her as Mother - to guide, to comfort and to emulate.

I find it hard to sometimes stay the distance in meditating on the rosary for my thoughts often distract me. I have come to realize that it is okay to be distracted as long as I pull myself back in when I do. The main thing is I try my sincere best. And I recite a couple of extra Hail Marys when I feel I did not do justice to those I rattled off unthinkingly.

There is so much to learn from Mother Mary, especially in the Visitation, which, incidentally, is the icon of the Woman to Woman Ministry. In the Visitation we see how selfless Mary is in hastening to Elizabeth's side to render help, with no thought for her own problems (pregnant with no husband).

I also like how John, in utero, and Elizabeth, both recognize the presence of Jesus in Mary's womb, and how they welcomed Him with elation. If only I am that sensitive all the time that I recognize Jesus in my fellow human beings, especially those whom I find hard to love, or those on whom I project my own feelings of inadequacy.

Finally the Magnificat, this glorious hymn of praise to God celebrating the mystery and the power of the incarnation. These three highlights of Luke's Gospel (1:39-56) encourage me to live out the Visitation in my daily life in real and practical terms.

I am called to not just comfort and give advice to those who are hurt, sad, or confused, but to also celebrate with gladness the joys and achievements of others, and to offer assistance in any way I can, with no regard for my own inconvenience. As they say, sharing halves our sorrows and double our joys. It is all about connecting with someone where they are, and where I am, yet giving them the space to express themselves freely.

I also need to look at others with Spirit-enhanced vision to perceive God residing in them in the incarnation of His son, Jesus. Often I look at others through a lens of fear and distrust, my own prejudices, and I tend to erect fences and protect my own space rather than reach out with the trusting hand and smile of a child who believes the universe is a loving and wonderful place.

At the same time, I am also called to be receptive to becoming pregnant with Jesus, as Mary was. To say fiat, let it be done unto me according to Thy word. This entails the biggest risk of all for it calls forth from me my willingness to be vulnerable, to stay humble so that I can empty myself of anything that impedes my spiritual growth and come face to face with Jesus. Mary's gift of pondering in her heart the Word, and letting it well up in her until she gives birth to it is a gift I covet. I can never be as bold, steadfast and courageous as she was. I can only try.

The Magnificat is an awesome hymn of praise for it recognizes the supremacy of God in the world when we allow ourselves to say yes to acting in faith on our individual strength - to be overshadowed by the Holy Spirit and impregnated, and to eventually give birth to new life, eternal life as promised by God. The Almighty will do great things for me, using me to help reverse the order of the world's injustices and inequalities. I just have to keep saying yes in my actions. As the reflection from Laudate states, Mary declares the truths and mysteries which the incarnation brought to light.

Love of the order and magnitude of what Mother Mary had in her heart, conquers all. For she had what Peter in his second letter says is given to us to know God and to escape corruption in a world that is sunk in vice. To paraphrase Peter, Mary had goodness to her faith, understanding to her goodness, self-control to her understanding, patience to her self-control, true devotion to her patience, kindness towards her fellow men to her devotion, and, to this kindness, love.

So as Blessed Henry Suso exhorts: Let us have recourse to Mary; for of all creatures she is the highest, the purest, the most beautiful, and the most loving. 

Mother Mary, pray for us that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Letting God play matchmaker

Many moons ago my brother thought me ridiculous when I said God will find me the man in response to his question what are you doing to look for a husband if your vocation is marriage. I refused to date (have never really dated and I am incapable of doing flirty and frothy), and I was just happily pursuing my passions while working on my issues for I knew that unless I did so, even if the right man appeared, the relationship would not work well. I would go into it and not be able to engage in marriage fully as God created marriage to be, a reflection of His selfless, unconditional love that speaks of a blessed, lifelong commitment, total acceptance, never-ending mercy and joyous affirmation.

Marriage is where a couple sees God in each other and where they see themselves through God's eyes. At least that was His original plan until Adam and Eve mucked it up and left the rest of us emotionally and spiritually myopic.

While I made my pronouncement blithely, I said it in half supplication and half expectant faith for I was still trying to make sense of it all. Lord, is marriage my vocation literally, or figuratively? Tell me, please? This mystery thing is severely over-rated, yah? And just when I thought I knew where my life was heading, He surprised me with a man.

Fast forward twelve and a half years later where I meet P, and I keep asking him this: How do you know God has chosen me for you? I am still having a little trouble assimilating the necessary paradigm shift and the seismic implications of working towards a life partnership that is mutually fulfilling.  P's confidence astounds, moves and irks me all at the same time for he also has the advantage of having read my blog and therefore has a fair idea of my faith journey, and knows me quite intimately on some level. Most unfair.

I still don't "know" if P and I will get married, but I do know that P and I are meant to get to know each other, and through this blossoming friendship, bring out the best in each other, smoothen out each other's rough edges, fulfil each other's unspoken needs and deepest desires, illuminate each other's world and bless each other with joy, laughter and transformative love. Never mind the m word, that's just the icing on the cake - journey, not the destination, and all that. Even if marriage is not on the pristine wedding invitation cards, we will walk away better people for having known each other.

Coming back to this whole nebulous idea of allowing God to choose someone for you while living in the reality of being a single woman with not a decent prospect in sight: it is tough. Very tough. I can vouch for that. Especially when children are yearned for and biological clocks are tick, ticking away. There are many things that a single woman has to give up and grieve over with the passing of time, the death of biologically driven desires being one instance. But I can also vouch for not compromising and bowing to the world's idea of relationships, and for holding fast to one's Christian ideals and being blessed abundantly for it.

There has been such healing and joy in making Jesus the lover of my heart, my Bridegroom, all these years. He has cherished and indulged me, protected me (from myself mostly) and helped me grow in countless ways. Jesus is totally my Way, my Truth and my Life.

He still is my first priority, as He should be yours, our first love, and this applies to all women, single or married, and men. For if you are nourished by His love and you allow Him to be your alpha and omega, then you are less likely to be so desperate that you rationalize poor relationship choices, or insist on someone who is not right for you, something everyone else can see, except you. More importantly, you will not fall into serious sin and suffer the damaging consequences.

If you know and luxuriate in your identity as Beloved, you will not allow loneliness to lead you to unwholesome, addictive activities such as masturbation. gratuitous liaisons, sexting, consuming pornography or trashy romance novels/movies. You will have the good sense to avoid chat rooms, potentially risky encounters, flirting inappropriately with someone you are attracted to, and be able to exert self-control over your libidinal urges. You will respect your own God-given dignity, and sisters, you will not give the milk away for free for it is meant only for the man you call husband. Same exclusivity rule applies to the men as well.

Now that I am in relationship, I need to continue to be sensitive to the movements of the Spirit for I will draw wrong conclusions, make mistakes, and even sabotage the relationship at times, but I do know if I keep my gaze on the crucified Christ, He will always lead me back to do what is right by both me and P, and this will be the inexhaustible fountain of grace for our relationship.

So I will keep working on knowing who I am in Father God's eyes, get raw and intimate with Jesus, and keep the Holy Spirit close to my heart, living within me. I will also live fearlessly, love selflessly, be grateful, be present, continue to let my passions take flight, and dare to go where He leads me, especially in my walk with P. 

Uniquely ICPE

Today, ICPE Singapore organized a day of worship where we also launched the ICPE Alumni. It was wonderful to have former participants of ICPE Schools gather together to worship God in inimitable ICPE style, which means it was Spirit-filled, and reminded everyone in the room just how real the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are, most apt, for this weekend we celebrate the Most Holy Trinity.  

A asked me if I could share what it means to be a Companion and here is what I shared, more or less:

Being a cradle Catholic with a rudimentary and shallow understanding of my faith, I embraced the values of the world as a young adult, and became the prodigal who left home to enjoy a life of sin. I knew I was hurting the Father, and, most of all myself, but I was not the most integrated of personalities at the time. I craved love and went about getting it in all the wrong ways, thus, I could not find my way home, until I attended Pastoral Counselling School in Bangalore in 2003.

From the moment I stepped out of the cab, it was like a huge homecoming for me. I never imagined how community could be so welcoming and loving, how liturgy could be so beautiful, how prayer, praise and worship could be so powerful, and how my brokenness, my past could be restored through the Holy Spirit's touch.

Many things fell into place for me and I finally even knew what my vocation was. Charismatic worship was so alien to me before PCS, but, then, I became the woman at the well asking Jesus for living water: I wanted the gifts of the Spirit. Although I had always believed in God, and I knew he loved me, He was mainly the stern, distant father. At PCS, I was finally standing inside my Father's house and in His arms, and it felt awesome. It was here that I gave my life to Jesus completely. No more half measures. If I live, I live for the Lord, and if I die, I die for the Lord. For whether I live or die, I belong to the Lord (paraphrasing Romans 14:8).

The subsequent years were a time of much pruning and refining, some of it very painful, but necessary. Heeding the advice I received at PCS, I found a Spiritual Director, and I also found a community in ICPE's Woman to Woman Ministry in 2004.

In W2W, Amilia and Karen were my informal faith formators, these two beautiful women and sisters who are steeped in ICPE spirituality. As we journeyed through the years with different groups of women, I grew not only through the group's reflections and sharing of life, but through Amilia and Karen's radical witness of life. I also studied our Catholic faith* in earnest, learned more about Scripture and Tradition, while the ICPE spirituality of worship and evangelisation nourished me and helped me refine my vocation.

When the idea of Companions came up three plus years ago I was unsure, at first, for many reasons, despite the fact I had been a friend of ICPE for years; I even went for reverse carolling in the Philippines a number of times over the years, and I have supported the community in various ways. But it was clear, if I wanted to grow more, which I did, and still do, then a covenanted community was the answer. God calls us all the time into a deepening and more intimate relationship with Him, but it is up to us to say yes. So after discerning together as a group for about a year, I overcame my commitment phobia born of my self-doubt, and became a Companion.

Being in community has really helped me grow in many ways, spiritually, emotionally as well as socially. I have learned how to love my brothers in community and to appreciate the strength and wisdom of good Christian men, not just good Christian women. This has been very healing for me for I had not had the best of relationships with my father who was autocratic, and a chronic alcoholic who emotionally abused my mother when he was under the influence of alcohol. And all the men in my life previously either ignored God or had a very superficial relationship with Him. So it has been affirming and enlightening these past three years to be a sister of godly men.

I also like the freedom and space to grow and live out my vocation that comes from being a Companion. I am a lay missionary, but a missionary who can support other missionaries and causes because I exercise my particular gifts and talents not just in the workplace, but in my personal pursuits as well. The loose weave of all my passions and interests are bound together by the strength of my covenant. I am able to be in the world, but not of the world, in a very unique way.

We all have different gifts and talents and it's nice that each of us (Companions) uses our own unique gifts and talents to glorify Him in the workplace, and at home, wherever we are, whatever we do, and yet, we are centred in Christ the ICPE way: when we gather, the way we praise, the way we share life, the way we work together when we do outreaches, the ICPE spirituality permeates everything we do. This is the power of the Companions covenant. We are many parts of one body, and we are united by the same vision and goals; fundamentally, to know Christ ourselves, and make Him known.

My brothers and sisters also inspire me with their lives, how they bear active witness to the Christian faith with such missionary zeal every day. When I am slacking, their steadfast, unwavering focus on Jesus helps me keep burning with love for Jesus, so that I can continue spreading the joy of the Gospel. That is the power of community. The weight of a single snowflake may weigh next to nothing, but collectively, a flurry of snowflakes can weigh enough to effect change to the point of breaking branches (thanks Father JB).

It's not easy to keep walking the narrow path and it is definitely made easier with Companions on the journey who support me emotionally and spiritually through prayer. A recent example is the sudden death of my cousin. I felt so loved through the support of my community, and I know I was able to get over the worst of my grief when I needed to, only because I was buoyed up by the love and prayer of my brothers and sisters in community.

I feel very blessed to be a Companion, and while it will always be a struggle to meet up regularly, given our busy lives, I am privileged and honoured by the way we all show up for meetings and give ourselves to each other as gift, with sincerity and wholeheartedness. The bonds forged find their strength in Christ, and overcome our human frailties and weaknesses, as we grow as individuals, and as one family in our community of ICPE Companions.

*  I remember fondly the time Amilia, Edwyn, Karen and myself flew to Melbourne to study Theology of the Body at the John Paul II Institute, that was pivotal in forming our ethos of the sacramentality of the body. We are all such JPII fans.

I don't know if I love you

I don't know if I love you, but
Silly love songs play all day in my head
I smile too frequently (when I think of you)
People must think I'm loony or moonstruck.

I don't think I love you, and yet
I walk around on petal-strewn sunshine
My face aglow with inner jubilation
Not much irritates me, or spoils my good mood.

I can't possibly love you, it's much too soon,
Yet I cannot breathe when you kneel next to me.
Your faith levels my mountains of doubt and fear,
Flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come.*

My head tells me it's crazy, too impulsive, so not me.
My heart says you are the one chosen just for me.

Past experience cautions for decorum, more time_
Intuition whispers we will be great together,
Good for each other in all kinds of weather.
Go on, take the plunge! What are you waiting for?

I don't know if I love you, but I do know
I will give you my heart, to have and to hold,
Today and tomorrow,
God willing, forever.

* Song of Songs 2:12

Wasting time

Although time is a commodity into which I constantly try to pack as much activity as I can into the finite minutes and hours I have when I am awake, I also spend a lot of it in idle activity to de-stress from the day. But being in a relationship has changed the way I look at my week now and how I prioritize my time.

Given our busy lives, plus our schedules and rhythms that are not always synchronized, finding time to waste with each other can be challenging. And yet, precisely because it is challenging, our meetings become so much sweeter. My absolute favourite thing to do is to attend morning mass with P, followed by breakfast, before we go our separate ways into the work day. There is such strength and joy in worshipping God together.

I was sharing with Sister B last Sunday about the recent changes in my life and she reminded me that no matter what state of life I find myself in, my focus should not change, Jesus first. He is my first and last love, the Bridegroom with whom I should be wasting time on and with if I wish to enter the interior castle*, which I do desire greatly. I do hope it will be the same for P.

Looking back at God's invitation late last year to a deeper level of intimacy, I can see how my relationship with P has already helped me step a little closer towards the keep, or Saint Teresa's inner mansions. Not wishing a misstep, I am striving harder to contemplate the One who makes all things possible.

With the heightened intensity of my prayer life and a greater reliance on letting the Holy Spirit lead in the relationship, I have found such freedom as I have never found in my previous relationships. I do not agonize over the future, or whether this man loves me enough to want to marry me. I realize I am blessed immeasurably that we both want the same thing, God's approbation of our relationship, and because of this, I have the courage to give my all, without fear; towards nurturing a potential life-long friendship and a forever love.

I can also be myself. In fact, I have done my ruthlessly honest best to discourage him (and if he scares easily then he is definitely not the right man for me), for he should know me and love me for who I am, just as I will know and love him for who he is, good and bad. No games, no deceptions.

Of course I know we may still decide to part next year, especially if God reveals we are not meant to be together, and while I know I will suffer the pain of that decision, I also know I have the strength to go on. I did it once before in my last relationship and I know I can do it again. All that matters is what God wants for me, and I trust He wants only what's best for me. Hence my constant prayer is one for obedience. To do whatever He tells me.

In the meantime I will enjoy each day as it comes, let tomorrow take care of itself, and just live in the moment of magnificent abundance.

*  Saint Teresa of Avila's spirituality of mystical interiority.  

Going steady

Since J's death I have not been sleeping well and I wake up way too early. While frustrating, and I have been literally falling asleep as I teach (sincere apologies to my clients), the one good thing out of this period has been the opportunity to attend weekday mass.

This is something I have not done recently with any regularity, due, in part, to my work schedule, but I now realize I can be more consistent, especially if I make it to morning mass. What a privilege and joy it has been to start the day with Jesus, giving thanks and receiving Him into my heart.

My prayer life has amped up as well due to a recent development besides J's death. I have met someone. We are in a committed relationship discerning the possibility of marriage next year. Such serious undertaking merits prayer, and lots of it. We have both agreed that we will marry if the Lord reveals in this year of courtship that He has chosen us for each other.

Aside from weekday mass, I have been frequenting the adoration room much more, and working on my relationship with Jesus who is my penultimate Spouse and Lover. Should P and I stand before the altar, we will be a party of three, Jesus will be in the centre, the one who seals our marriage covenant and binds us sacramentally to each other.

While through the years I have tried to make sense of what my vocation is, seeing as I have known it to be marriage and motherhood since 2003, I reached the point of true indifference to marriage in the conventional sense in recent months for I have learned to express my vocation of marriage and motherhood in many other ways which have fulfilled me, and blessed others. I had even begun discerning consecrated life. I only agreed to meet P because I realized that he was part of my discernment process for consecrated life. He, and Jesus, have since convinced me that perhaps marriage is for me, after all.

I have to say I still find all this a little baffling. The pragmatic woman in me questions the validity of this committed relationship. Marriage is for women who are young, vibrant and fertile, able to give birth, bring new life into this world. I, on the other hand, am entering a state of life that signals biological infertility. I feel the weight of my years and I am not sure what I bring to the table here.

Being older, I am not so pliable, and I know exactly what I want and am not as shy as I was about asking for it, qualities that do not maketh a good wife exactly. I keep telling P I am not easy. I'm difficult (just ask my family). Well, he can't say I didn't warn him (yes, P?).

All that said, I am just going with the flow right now, having fun getting to know him better (and it has been fun), and cultivating friendship which I believe will be foundational for a successful marriage. May Jesus continue to guide us and be our tour director on this journey of courtship. In the meantime, I will rely on the Spirit to animate and purify our hearts and what we have. 

Conversation

She messaged me to say she dreamt of you
That you were dispensing advice 
Like you always do
That she misses you. 
We sat. Forlorn. 
Lost in a miasma of sorrow.
Separated by distance 
United in love of you.
How could you go - just like that?  
Without a clue, without warning.
Without giving me a chance to bargain with God.
Please let him stay. Just a while more.
Yet, life goes on. And so it goes_
In death, new life, harbinger of change.
He came into my life, unbidden, unwanted even
Turning my world on its head 
Making me smile despite my grief
Is one allowed to feel this way?
A delicious girl child in a desiccated, decaying hide?
Your last words prove pithy, prophetic even
Zero expectations. To go where Jesus leads
Marked by Ignatian indifference. 
Wish you were here to share my joy
Pray for us as you sit among the angels.