It's a very rare day today for I have no clients and I actually have some time to slow down before I pick my grandson up. I have space to breathe rather than be on the go from the time I wake up till the time I lay my head on my pillow.
I realize that what I had in January was an RSV which truly knocked me out for six. I am still battling fatigue, but it is not that extreme fatigue I felt, and I am heartened for I am finally able to exercise without incurring too much pain due to the sprained ankle. It has been a frustrating period of wanting to keep up my fitness level and yet, literally been hamstrung by the tight muscles and pain in my body. Today I feel good, post-pickleball (the second time I have played since I sprained my ankle). There is finally light at the end of the tunnel of my ankle recovery.
What have I learned during this period of struggle which also coincides with Lent? There will always be some level of pain and struggle involved in daily life, but the challenge is to not let it affect how I behave. This requires me to be in touch with my darkness and not let it overwhelm me: the anger, fear and depression, the ennui that seeps into my spirit and constantly threatens to transform me into a selfish virago.
I am grateful for this season of Lent for it has reminded me to constantly turn to God in all things, to offer Him my pain and my failures, my stupidity when I persist in insalubrious acts, and to start again; to exercise wisdom and temperance as well as to be patient, forgiving, amiable and generous.
Renew my heart. Restart when I fail. Come back to a place of love where I am at one with Him. This has been my Lenten sacrifice: to attempt to go beyond myself; to strip myself of my selfish tendencies and to put others first, namely Jesus. I am called to stretch the boundaries of my blind complacency and to seek excellence in everything I do even though I am tired and limping. It doesn't matter that my first fruits are not perfect, what matters is my heart, my attitude, do I truly desire to give my best to the Lord? I don't often succeed but I cannot stop trying.
While I often feel I am inadequate and simply too sinful to be of any good, renewal calls for me to be in a state of movement, moving always towards Him. And so, I give thanks for today, and for all the days to come that are too full for my liking and filled with tasks I am not overly fond of. He is there with me and with Him, everything will be alright.
