Finding your inner compass

At last Friday's W2W meeting, we were sharing about the inner compass and whether we were attuned to it. It is clear that for many of us, things are not that transparent all of the time.

For some it has to do with career and whether they are fulfilling their deepest desire of helping others.

For others, it is the difficulty in connecting to the inner self - the journey from head to heart being a challenging one, especially for those who find it hard to trust their own instincts and inner convictions and who need to rely on hard facts.

What makes it tough is trying to sift out the truth about our real selves amidst the very human and, dare I say it, dysfunctional relationships with family and friends. It may be a neverending story but one well worth the effort.

Most of us measure how much we are loved through the eyes and actions of those around us and when the values and vision of said others are distorted, we see ourselves through the filters of many untruths, arriving at the truth of Christ's love only in the head (see June 19th's Random acts) and not truly feeling the love.

While I have grown much better at being led by my inner compass, there was a time I was clueless.

How did I learn? It all began with a deep, desperate longing, a burning thirst for answers that pointed me to God.

It's always easier to look for answers elsewhere and I have tried most of 'em -codependent relationships, material goods, work, status, money, food, alcohol, worldly pleasures... and found passing happiness at a great price of addiction, obsession, disordered desires and zero self-love.

When we rationalize our decisions and either continue to squat in the same rank hole not daring to move (despite knowing we are not happy and have to do something about the situation) or wander off a more attractive-looking path; that's where we find ourselves at a huge roadblock, unable to go forward spiritually or emotionally.

And we keep running around in circles of destructive pattterns of behaviour, unable to help ourselves.

However, with the decision to choose life, and God, came an even more difficult challenge. I had to learn to let go and die to self. Well, Jesus did promise whoever loses her life will find it.

This was the challenge E. threw me when I finally found the humility to say, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned against you," and subsequently experienced His forgiving and healing love.

"It's time to leave the boat!" - and embrace a new way of life.

By allowing the flames of purification to wash over me (I said goodbye to relationship, career, money, position and my old self-destructive ways) as I walked the fiery, narrow path, I found myself, a self I happen to like and approve of very much.

Letting go is extremely hard and it's something I have to do every day.

I play the WWJD (what would Jesus do) and the WWMD (what would Mary do) games. I offer up Ignatius's suscipe prayer. I rely on the Word, the Eucharist and the examen consciousness heavily.

In the course of letting go, I have realised that there can be no half-measures. As Heidi Klum would state with grave finality, either "You're in!" or "You're out!". If you are "in", it means making prayer a way of life. It's the only way to locate an inner compass that is in good working order.

The more I create sacred spaces in my busy day, the more I gain in clarity, and sanity.

Whenever I say, "Sorry Jesus, I love you, but I just don't have time for you today," I miss the opportunity to quench my longings and understand what makes me do the things I do.

At times, I end up walking around, lost in a fog, for I don't receive those divine inspired insights and flashes of brilliance that allow me to decipher life and make better choices.

If you're looking for a manual, there isn't one for it's so absurdly easy: commit to quiet time with JC.

You may need to figure out what quiet time actually means for you - experiment with devotional prayer, daily mass, daily reading of the Gospel, spending time in the adoration room, praying the the Divine Office, journalling, meditation and prayer walks...

In all this, there must be a point in time that you actually sit still consciously, and allow Christ to speak in the thoughts of your heart. Don't look at the clock! I dare you!

In The Virtues of an Authentic Life, Haring speaks of the virtue of patience and holy impatience as necessary in "dealing with ourselves and with our neighbours". Without "patient self-love and healthy self-respect", we can never gain inner peace and "full human maturation" that true patience affords.

Patience has never my strong suit but I have found that cultivating patience helps me keep the faith, find hope in impossible situations and be a more loving person. As Haring puts it, it can be "a great force of healing power" for it enables us to stand still and let God take over.

So in trying to find the inner compass that points us to the reality of true self and the experience of true love, it's about seeking with great longing, humble repentance, letting go and dying to self, giving God carte blanche in all areas of life, getting chummy and on a first name basis with Jesus and being gently patient with our clumsy attempts at loving self and neighbour.

It's also about trusting Jesus and trusting that we actually hear Him, especially if we've made a genuine attempt to know Him it will happen (but nothing replaces quality prayer time for this to occur).

Finally, it's about believing in ourselves (as D. would say, "God did not create junk"), in the gift of love from the Creator (who made each of us as a gift to ourselves and for His own pleasure) and in the grace of faith.

If as Christians we do not or cannot believe the above, then we are merely existing and not living fully. A tragic thing.