Battling the menopausal blues

I had lunch with J yesterday and I realised that the one thing most women do not seem to know much about is menopause or the period leading up to it - perimenopause or premenopause. It can be a trying time, and some symptoms can last for as long as 10 years.

Some women are blessed for they seem to breeze through it, while others, like myself, experience a whole plethora of wonderful stuff like mood swings, hot flashes, sensitivity to sound and smell, foggy brain, poor memory, insomnia, weight gain (especially around the middle), anger that is not proportionate to the situation, increased irritability, and even severe depression. There is also dry skin, thinning hair, reduced neuromuscular coordination and unexplained aches and pains, not to mention the dark circles and eye bags from the lack of sleep.

It doesn't help when as women in our forties and fifties, we have achieved much in our lives already, and suddenly, we seem to be fumbling big time. On top of this, we have to contend with ageing woes and feeling unattractive. It is hard to accept our physical limitations brought about by the change of life, the decreased energy levels and the lethargy that seems to set in so that all we want to do is retreat from the world. Everything just seems too difficult. We don't want to get out of bed. We give up very easily. Then we beat ourselves up for being in this state of torpor, yet are unable to rise above it.

When we fly into rages, we hate ourselves after, for we should have known better. Self-hate seems to be the flavour of the season. I sometimes feel like a crazy person and a failure, someone who just cannot get her act together. My IQ has dropped drastically and, I find myself doing really stupid things, both mortifying and  unforgivable.

I know I am not sick, and that all this will go away eventually (I seem to be over the worst of it),  but there are days sheer exhaustion takes over and I just don't want to engage in the world, or I feel very unlovable and unworthy of being loved. I cannot seem to let go of my own mistakes, and I dwell, I brood on less than perfect situations, never mind that everybody else has already forgotten about it, or never even noticed anything was wrong in the first place.

So, ladies, if you are experiencing any of the above, take heart, it could just be a hormonal thing. There are things you can do to alleviate the severity of some of the symptoms. Do some research, and experiment to see what works for you. Personally, my life-savers include miso and seaweed soup for the hot flashes, progesterone cream for the insomnia, and exercise for general well being and to rebuild the marked loss of muscle. I even tried TCM for a short period of time, and it has worked.

A vital part of going through perimenopause and menopause is to maintain and lean on a strong support system. Act against the inclination to go it alone, to be the independent and capable woman you are. It's no crime in being needy at times. Share with loved ones how you feel, and get the necessary TLC  you need from good women friends - please do not veer off the path and seek inappropriate validation from others that will only increase your misery in the long run. It's perfectly alright to be vulnerable and weak, and not to have all the answers in life. I am grateful for good friends and my mother who have eased my passage through their care and concern.

Quality and frequent quiet time with Jesus has been another requisite for me - to rest in my identity as Beloved, especially when I feel like a zero. Prayer has been my mainstay through the worst patches, as well as daily mass and regular reconciliation. I have learned to let go and to let God take over. What is not within my control is certainly within His, thus, leaning on His understanding enables me to deal with my reality and my frustrations daily.

Every season of life will have its challenges and the menopausal years are no different. We can, however, choose how we deal with it. Pragmatism, prayer and lots of exercise go a long way. Give it a shot.

His grace is enough

Before I got married I was struggling with a lot of fears. What if we cannot make each other happy? What if I lose my freedom, my identity, that I have worked so hard through the years to claim? What if love is not enough to work through all our differences? What if I am simply not good enough, not up to the state of matrimony and all it encompasses?

I have always understood the gravitas of marriage as a vocation to be entered into as if one were to enter into the priesthood or religious orders. It is a decision to be undertaken seriously, and not for selfish, self-serving reasons. Sacrifice ensues. Hence my process of discernment was peppered with increasingly nervous questions without any clear answers.

C and S helped diminish my anxiety with their love and support through the months leading up to marriage. In the sharing of their own journey, I was greatly encouraged. C shared that he lost all his fears on their wedding day. The sacramental graces received made all the difference. S shared the importance of allowing God to minister to the marriage through time, and to keep persevering in prayer. Transformation is patently possible, but it takes time, lots of it.

Coming up to four months of marriage, I am still amazed at how God has been so generous to me, to us. Like C, I have lost a lot of my fears, and I find I am strengthened and made whole by P's love every day. There is such liberation and joy in being cherished and respected by my husband (I hope he experiences as much goodness in his life as I do in mine).

The power of the Sacrament of Marriage is not to be underestimated. P and I rely on it continuously. There are good days when I can see beyond my own myopic vision, and when I am unable to, I am given the patient wisdom of Mother Mary's to ponder these things in my heart, until situations unfurl in unimaginable and marvellous ways.

I am able to subsume my will, and to let go of my own ideas of how things should be, and therefore to open the door to the graces of the Holy Spirit and let them flow where they will. I find myself constantly living out God's promise of "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

It is a challenge to play in a new arena of life for all the rules have changed and the landscape is completely alien to me and not without lurking giants and towering obstacles. There are also things I mourn from my past, and yet, having put my hand on the plough of marriage, I do not look back but must train my gaze to look front despite my aching heart.

In our bedroom is a much beloved wedding gift (thanks A, I was so thrilled when I first unscrolled the document and saw it), an Apostolic Blessing from Pope Francis, and it reminds me that P and I have been given daily divine graces when we consecrated our love at the altar. Every day I pray for those divine graces for I know, on my own strength, I will fail dismally.

I will never be good enough for I am a sinful and wretched woman. Likewise, P will always have his own faults and shortcomings, but we can have, will have, a good marriage as we take our time growing into it together. It is sufficient that we each desire to love Jesus and follow in His footsteps. This one desire will anchor us in all seasons, and keep us in harmonious unity. His grace is more than enough to lead us there. 

First year anniversary

Since you left 
I have picked up the pieces
Of my shattered heart
Glued and taped together again
In stoic resolution
The valves that once 
Whooshed with glee
As we whiled the afternoon away 
Eating nonsensical 
Life-giving chocolate cake
I even got married_
You would have approved
Been happy for me
He is gentle (like you)
Loves me veritably (like you did)
Life does percolate new flavours 
Bursting with colour and verve
I carry the bag you made
Wear your stylish sensibilities 
With great fondness 
So you are never far away
In fact the jagged gaps 
In my heart remind me 
All the time.

Hoping heroically

I find it most ironic that the more I worry about my ageing mother, the more impatient and intolerant I am with her infirmities. It is as if I cannot accept her ageing. Every sign of forgetfulness, every little mistake she makes is greeted with an incredulous query, and sometimes, even an admonishment. I am not proud of myself when I am short with Mummy, but I am oftentimes unable to control my response.

At the heart of my less than sympathetic behaviour is fear. I dread the day she will leave me behind and return to God. She will leave an impossibly huge void and I will mourn inconsolably. There are, in fact, times I catch myself mourning the inevitable parting now. So every instance of age-related vulnerability strikes a chord of terror within me. I don't want her to go. Ever. How would I survive without her in my life?

Here is where faith, and hope, carry me in this love relationship. Because I believe in the Kingdom of Heaven, I know that, one day, I will be joined, not just with my Heavenly Father, but with every person I have ever loved, and we will all live together, united in eternal bliss and harmony.

Celebrating Mummy's 84th birthday

In the meantime, I can stop being afraid, and try to be the most loving, caring, the best daughter I can be to my mother, storing up happy memories to tide me through the eventual chasm of death, until we rise again with Christ, in mystical union. I can await with eagerness the ultimate mother-daughter future in eternity, which will suffer a mere temporary parting of ways on earth.

Yesterday afternoon, some of the Woman to Woman Ministry ladies, past and present, got together to celebrate being women of hope. It was a time of fellowship, brief reflection, and rejoicing in God's goodness through song and dance. Although I had to leave early, I left inspired.

Like love, hope is not based on feelings, but it is an act of will. We can hope, even in our most despairing moments, and we can choose to bring light into the darkest periods of our lives, and to bear light to others who are with us in the darkness, and who have lost hope, even faith.

Hope, as a theological virtue, is a grace given by God, to encourage us and help us along the rocky path of life in making the right decisions to live a life of love, knowing, deep in our bones that what we will find, eventually, is unmatched happiness when we meet Him face to face, with no barriers in between as we have here on earth, and our hearts will beat as one accord. Centred in our identity as children of God, hope also helps us live fruitful lives.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 1818, says this:

The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man; it takes up the hopes that inspire men's activities and purifies them so as to order them to the Kingdom of heaven; it keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude. Buoyed up by hope, he is preserved from selfishness and led to the happiness that flows from charity.

Put simply, the virtue of hope points us towards happiness, by inspiring us to goodness and generosity; hope brings out the best in each of us and keeps us going even in the midst of difficulties. Hope purifies our intentions and motivations, so we can fearlessly walk the way of the Cross with eyes trained on Jesus. Hope is what gives us the vision to see beyond mortal tragedy and great loss, to know we are not alone, and that we can always rely on the goodness of God.

There are four capitol errors* pointed out by F.K. Bartels in his excellent exposition on hope. They are: unawareness of or disbelief in God's immanent presence; doubt of God's all inclusive plan of divine love; the apparent inability to trust in God's help; and the growing uncertainty that God intervenes in human history and in the daily lives of his children.

Knowing what we know about Jesus and having encountered His goodness personally does not stop us from doubt or despair, more so when crisis or calamity hits us. So it is necessary to note and remember when and where we have experienced His beneficence, to remain rooted in His unchanging and undying love for us, and to keep turning back to Him when we falter. Isn't that what Lent is all about anyway, turning back?

Bartels calls Saint Maximilian Kolbe a portrait of hope, a man who was given the supernatural gift of hope to trustingly walk forward even as he gave his life up for another in Auschwitz.

For the Christian, nothing in life is merely a fluke. Even the very worst of circumstances, such as the horrors found in the death camp of Auschwitz, can ultimately be the very path toward permanent, supernaturally infused bliss and the unending reception of divine love, provided we open our hearts in hope to God and make every effort to live according to his will.

Thinking back on the sudden death of J almost a year ago, I can say that grievous as his death was to me at the time, I entered into a new relationship of trust, and hope, with Jesus. The tragedy encouraged me to cling to the Father's promises, and to be unafraid of loving others. It helped nudge my nascent relationship with P to definitive heights.

To live according to God's will requires heroic amounts of hope, but it is precisely heroic amounts of hope that will be given us if we desire it, and we wish to walk the mile with no compromise. Try it. Give hope a chance and let it transform your life in ways you never imagined.

* http://www.catholic.org/news/saints/story.php?id=47246

Loving wholeheartedly

Yesterday, at lunch, I was sharing with D how during our wedding day P and I were astonished at how our respective circles of family and friends intersected in so many ways. I had also shared previously the story of how we had met, thanks to B, his sister, to whom we are both eternally grateful. She then pronounced God planned for you to be together from the day you were born. Profound and true.

I have always believed that God has indeed earmarked a particular man to be my spouse. However, due to the many wrong turns of my younger years, I thought I had frittered away my opportunity. That's it, my girl, you made your choices in life, you turned away from God and His ways, so there is a price to that. There are always consequences to actions even though I also knew that God does not punish us for being bad or stupid. It was what it was.

Intellectually I knew that it was difficult for a woman in her latter years to find a spouse, so in those intervening years, post-conversion, when I was then in my forties and very much single, I focused on the one thing that brought me joy and fulfilment, on the one person whom I called Spouse, Jesus.

I expended all my energy on seeking His ways and getting to know Him better. I no longer compromised my own principles, but sought to love Him as is recommended in today's Gospel, with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength, and to love my neighbour as myself.

As I approach my fourth month of marriage where I find myself still in awe and deeply grateful for the man whom God has given to me as husband, I am more in love with my Lord and my God the more I grow to love P. I pray that I never lose this sense of wonderment and delight at how much Jesus loves me, or for the many gifts my Father bestows on me daily, and how the Holy Spirit is such a bountiful and limitless source of comfort and joy.

While there are many ongoing internal struggles on what is the right thing to do, that is, how do I balance the responsibilities of being a wife and mother (I do regard P's children as my own) with everything else I am called to be and do in life, I do not let them overwhelm me. And when my spirits do flag, I return to the Lenten promise of purification and inner peace found in prayer, fasting and alms-giving.

Jesus gently reprimanded Martha and reminded her that there is only one thing that is necessary in life, the better part that her sister Mary had wisely chosen. What this means for me, in real terms, is to let go of the things that are not necessary - excessive exterior busyness, irrational fears, complaints, my unhappiness at things that do not go my way, prejudices, proud stubbornness, distractedness, critical and judgmental ways, and my dominant tendencies that make me impatient and abrasive (thanks D for the insightful DISC workshop).

We are mid-way through Lent. My prayer for the remainder of Lent is that I can live the Gospel message of the day more authentically and productively: To love my Lord and my God with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength, and to love my neighbour as myself.

Making dreams come true

I had a potential near death experience last Wednesday. The aircraft that I was on veered upwards suddenly in the last seconds of landing, climbing the skies on whining engines. At no point did I think I was going to die although I was praying hard that we made the necessary altitude without mishap. We were literally carried on wings of prayer to finally land safely on the second pass down the runway.

This got me wondering how in my life I have had many of these near misses, and some I probably wasn't even aware of, and I am grateful for the protection that the Lord has always afforded me. My logic, this time around was, Jesus, you just gave me P, surely we would have more time as a couple before we are separated in this life? Let me live my dream a little while more. Plus, when my community prayed for me in my courtship days, C saw us growing old together, a couple of contented and blissed out senior citizens tending to our bonsai.

Ever since it became clear that P and I were to be married, I began to look again at the dream of marriage and motherhood given to me in 2003 with different eyes. Before I met P, I had thought I was realizing that dream in an alternative way, and I was not doing too badly either. Now I know that P is the man of my dreams, and I am amazed at how the Lord has fulfilled not just my dream, but P's as well.

Today we celebrate the feast of Saint Joseph who, like the Joseph of the Old Testament, was a man to whom the Lord spoke in dreams. The angel of the Lord spoke to Saint Joseph four times, the first was to tell him of the divine nature of the child in Mary's womb, and for him to be husband to Mary and father to Immanuel, God is with us. It never fails to amaze me how Joseph "arose from his sleep, and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him". Such active faith. To hear and to obey without question. If only I were as obedient as Joseph to the Lord's prompting.

Coming back to dreams, God speaks to us, like Joseph, in dreams. Some may not be as immediate or urgent as Joseph's, received when we are asleep, but the dreams of our heart are there not by accident.

Dreams are planted inside each of us, waiting for us to have the courage to act like Joseph did. Dreams also require us to keep believing and persevering for we will need to struggle and put in much effort in order to make them real. Sacrifice is the stuff of dreams, but the rewards are inestimable. Dreams are the making of each of us, where we actualize our selves, become the great men and women we were created to be.

Now that I am living out my dream of marriage, I strive to make my marriage a dream come true, and that means to live with a heart full of gratitude, a joyful attitude, and a spirit ever willing to be transformed by the beauty of the mundane. The ordinary days are filled with tiny miracles waiting to be discovered, quiet yet extraordinary moments. Often we blink, and miss them, or we are too distracted to even notice them when they are staring us in the face.

As I live out my marriage covenant daily, I am reminded of how it is first a covenant I honour with Jesus, then with P. This, then, allows me to live out the words of the prayer of generosity by Saint Ignatius of Loyola with greater conviction:

Lord, teach me to be generous,
to serve you as you deserve,
to give and not to count the cost,
to fight and not to heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labour and not to look for any reward,
save that of knowing that I do your holy will.

Today, as a dear sister of mine takes the step to legalize her marriage with the man God has put in her life, I rejoice, and I pray that she and M will continue to make the dreams that God has placed within their hearts come true. In that way, they will walk even closer to God, as P and I are doing. Much happiness forever, dear A and M. AMDG.

Vocation of active listening

At mass on Sunday, Father Adrian asked us to reflect on our vocation and how are we living it out? He asked us to take the Transfiguration story and to make it our own in a different way that we usually reflect on this key event in the life of Christ. Father Adrian preached that the point where God speaks over Peter's words in the story is the point where Peter actually realises what his vocation was, and that is primarily to listen to the Beloved Son of God.

For us, it is the same, we are called to listen to the Father, and then to listen, and to follow Jesus. This is vocation pared down to the bare bones. Ironically, I was listening to the radio on Friday and they were talking about active listening being a lost art and much-needed one in order to build harmony within relationships, families, and in any social situation, including negotiating with insurgents.

According to the expert, we tend to focus too much on offering solutions and giving our own opinions that more often than not we are not offering the person what he or she really needs, and that is the space to be truly heard, and thus, to be validated and affirmed.

Conflict can hardly be resolved if we merely hear, but do not listen. True empathy requires a listening heart that is able to capture the essence of what is being communicated (clarification is sought by paraphrasing frequently the message back to the speaker) and then to do what is requested, which may be to do nothing at all. Active listening requires us to act in the way that is perceived as what was requested and most helpful to the other party.

Likewise, to listen to God, we need to create the necessary silence through stillness to be able to hear what God is saying. As I sat quietly in the adoration room last Saturday, I had actually asked Jesus a question on vocation, where was I to go next, what should I do to spread the Good News?

Since marriage, I feel as if my world has

shrunk for I have been ruthlessly cutting the threads of my past that have no place in my current life. I have curtailed numerous activities, placing my marriage as my main priority. Thus voids have formed, dark, mysterious holes that are waiting to be filled in my new life.

While I am impatient to swing into action and accomplish many things, I am cognizant of the fact that I need to master the basics before I take on the more complicated. I need to just 'be' in my new environment, giving myself the time to enjoy the novel space and role I have undertaken. The best thing I can possibly do for now is to be an active listener.

What I also got from my quiet time last Saturday is to allow Jesus to continue to be the loving Bridegroom so that I can be the loving Bride to P and my new family. Some of the empty spaces within my heart must remain liminal spaces for now. It's okay to remain dormant and quiescent, as long as I strive to catch, and savour God's intimate whispers to me.

When I reflect on the graces I have received in these recent months, I am awed at the Father's generosity for so much has already been given to me. Even amidst my struggles I recognize that He honours my efforts and applauds my achievements, even the most insignificant ones. And He keeps fulfilling the desires of my heart. So instead of being too hasty in acting and relying on my human intellect to tell me how to act, it is best to listen with an open and obedient heart to Jesus to know what I should be doing in my life. As Peter found his vocation in keeping quiet and still, I will continue to find mine in adopting the same humble posture.

Lenten reload

We are in the season of Lent. It is, as my SD put it, a season of joy, of turning back and reconnecting with Jesus by going into the desert of peace and quiet.

As I write this I am physically exhausted and fluey. I realise I have not truly sat back and reflected in stillness for a while now. There are always things to do, places to go, and even though I do set aside time for prayer and daily mass, I have not set aside me time to just burn and laze the day away. I haven't even had time to blog properly which is one of the ways I reflect and come into the presence of the Lord. Lent reminds me appropriately to slow down and wander into the quiet of the desert, praying and fasting.

Last week when my SD told me that Lent is a time to unload what is too much of myself and too much of life around me, I laughed, for I have already begun the process of whittling away the too much of myself, especially since the beginning of this year. Marriage kind of does that to you, for in order to make it work, it has to be less of me and more of we.

And when life gets too overwhelming, let go of what's not necessary and focus on the essentials. The little, niggly things do not matter in the long run, so live and let live. P and I are in it for the long haul and we both want the same thing, that is to grow old together gracefully, harmoniously and joyfully. Thus the process of refinement is constant.

Of course some of it is easy, it is just a question of forming new habits of 'cleaving' (human beings are very resilient after all, and it's whether we want to change or not, plus the pain of change does dissipate after a while)), whereas other bits, which involve the ego or the quirks in his and my personality may not be so easy, but are not insurmountable. That is where we are called to listen to each other carefully, to hear the spoken and unspoken words in each other's heart.

I therefore welcome the season of Lent, a season of renewal, and a good reminder to unload and reload. Just as we need to give our closets and homes the occasional spring cleaning, we need to junk the bad habits, unhelpful idiosyncrasies and unhealthy dysfunctions of our inner beings to become the people we were created to be: good, trusting and happy individuals who live life to the fullest, glorifying God wherever we go by bringing happiness and light to the world.

What do I want this Lent? I really want to be like Jesus. I want to have His peace of mind, his compassionate nature and wisdom even in the face of dissonance, chaos, suffering and pain. I want to be a pleasure, first to myself and God, then to loved ones, and all I meet.

I hope to fast from too much non-essential activity and from complaining (even as I maintain the discipline of two actual fast days a week); add a period of silence during my prayer time to hear His voice and just soak in His presence; and give alms by being a cheerful giver, giving help wherever it is needed. I have also initiated praying for those who persecute me and people I don't much like, which is a personal challenge. If it pleases Him, then let me unload the extraneous and irrelevant, and reload the edifying and holy this Lenten season.

Marriage vows

I wear your ring on my finger 
The one you put there 
As a sign of your love and fidelity
Before God you vowed
To love and honour me
All the days of your life
You made a promise to be true
In good times and in bad 
In sickness and in health
Whenever I feel upset
Unsure whether you love me
Whenever I experience hurt at your hands
Inadvertent yet excruciatingly clueless
I look at my finger and I know 
I hold your heart in my hands
An imperfect but sincere love
That alone is sufficient
You are all I need 
Through thick and thin
Today and for all eternity

You wear my ring on your finger
The one I put there
As a sign of my love and fidelity
It's a sacred vow I take seriously 
One I try best to honour every day
So forgive me when I fail 
To love you in the way 
You expect or need to be loved
When our pasts get in the way
Or good intentions fall short 
You hold my heart in your hands
Next to Jesus you are the One
Whom I choose to love completely
Today and all the days of my life
Even beyond where Paradise lies
Let us live each day in smiles
Committed to what matters most
Loving the nakedness we find
Forgiving the rest as darkness
That disappears in the Light

Sand and stone

Last Saturday A asked my husband how has marriage been and he responded emphatically it has been very tough. We all dissolved into laughter.

The lived reality of marriage does pose challenges for two separate entities coming together as one requires change. It can be tough, but that is not a bad thing altogether for I find it life-giving to know that someone loves me enough to want to work things through until blue skies appear again, and they will. For the best is yet to be.

When it storms, I know that the storm will eventually pass. I just have to ride out the battering winds and the fierce rains. When I am feeling most insecure and lost, ready to give up, here is where I must walk by faith, and not what I see through my myopic and distorted vision.

Father Anthony talked about what it means to walk by faith last Saturday. It requires a commitment to cut through the superficial, a lip service type of faith, and to truly act in love, driven by one's principles, not one's perceptions, which may be skewed and inaccurate.

It also requires openness, to go where the Lord leads even if it does not make immediate sense. What's more, there will always be valleys of darkness and tears to walk through, but we have to believe that 'the sun will come out tomorrow'. We have to trust in the impossible, and envision what others cannot see. The ability to trust supernaturally, with divine simplicity, helps us to cultivate the virtue of hope.

Thus when P and I bump heads, we both know that it's all part of the process, and all it requires is constant fine-tuning, without giving in to despair or pessimism. We should both trust that we both want the best for each other even when it may not seem that way frequently. And we must lean on God to help us see each other as He sees us, to gaze at each other with the clear, compassionate gaze of Jesus, seeing beyond our human limitations.

Knowing this, I am able to let go of any hurt or angst I feel that comes from the place of darkness within me, the place of inadequacy, unworthiness and crippling self-doubt. We can thus build our marriage from weakness to strength, brick by brick.

During sunset mass, Father Romeo used a story to illustrate how forgiveness should work - writing the bad in sand for impermanence, and the good in stone for posterity. I liked the tale and will adopt it in all my relationships, especially my marriage.

My best friend slapped me today.
I gasped in shock at the stinging pain
The brutality of his action.
Why did he slap me?
What did I do to deserve such unkindness, 
Such sudden and murderous violence?
I mourn; weeping bitter tears
Inconsolable and utterly broken.
Things can never be the same.
I write this down in the sand
Willing the Father to blow healing
Grains of forgiveness across the desert
Soothing away the indentations I made
Until true understanding erases
Every vestige of pain from my heart.
We tango to the rhythm of His heartbeat. 
In love. He makes all things new.
The future can only be better.

My best friend saved me today.
He pulled me out from the churning waters
Where I floundered, helpless and half dead,
Lungs on fire from futile efforts to stay alive.
Grab hold of my hand, stop struggling.
Trust me! I won't let you drown.
I am ever grateful, writing this on stone
Telling of his courage, his quiet heroism
Disregard for his personal safety
To lift me out of harm's way.
Now others can read and applaud,
From one generation to the next,
And be inspired by his everyday spirit
To glorify the One who first saved us,
Who walked in perfect harmony with the Father. 
As long as I live I want to remember
The act of valour without which I would not be here.
My best friend is my best man, much like Jesus.

Rising to the challenge

The Scripture from Matthew's Gospel, chapter five, verses thirty-eight to forty- eight, must be one of the most challenging to live out. How can we live out forgiveness in the way that Christ teaches us to? It is all not so easy. But that does not mean we do not try. Even if we fail trying, we cannot stop trying for as Christians, forgiveness should be our chief strength, and how we best resemble Him.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.
Really? They knew exactly what they were doing
They chose to go down that slippery road
The road they paved with asphalt lies and deceit!
A woolly blanket hiding a gravelled sea of greed
Tell me why I should give them my cloak as well
Having lost my tunic out of distracted grief?
Lord, tell me how to be perfect as you are
When I am met with betrayal and derision?
My hurt is cavernous and molten to touch
My soul half-dead, shafted by girders of injustice
I cannot be still, nor silent any longer.

Vengeance is mine, not yours to exact.
Release the yoke you have carried for so long
Use your anger to reclaim the lost coin
Teach the child who feeds voraciously
On his mother's arsenic-laced milk
But walk softly in redressing the wrongs
Glide always on the wings of prayer
Lest the sins of others besmirch you
Weighing you down in bitter, ashy dregs.
You are my hope, my light bearer in the darkness
Never forget your name: My delight is in her
Be always my perfect Daughter and Bride.

Double happiness

Way down deep inside my heart
I wished that one day I would find
Someone who loves me
just as much as He does
Who will hold me tenderly
Kiss away my fears
Wipe away my tears
Walk with me in darkest night
Till dawn illuminates infinity skies.
That one day came when I met you.

I was busy breathing life into dreams,
Working an alternative lifestyle and
Loving it! My wish discarded, forgotten.
He said it was time to play a duet
It is not good to be alone
For to grow in love
We must fit hand in glove
Our hearts cleaving as one to Him.
Divine Mercy marked the start, and
The wine flowed as it did at Cana.

We must have done something right
To now bid good-morrow* in this way:
True plain hearts, love so alike
Our gaze on Him, who made it possible.
As we walk in reverent silence
The lilies nod and smile
Such delight! It's been awhile_
All that remains is to festoon the vine
Be one in Him, in juicy fruitfulness
It promises to be a vintage year.

* Thanking John Donne for The Good-Morrow.

Go home

Little boy playing in the sandbox
Swimming in the ocean, tickling the fish
Go home to Daddy for he's waiting,
Waiting for you to embrace him, be as one.
You look just like him; although you never saw it.
His laughing, crinkly eyes and kind heart.
Your curious disposition circumventing the globe
Never resting your head in one place,
A search that led to seven summits
Woven between Komodo depths and ohana nights
Amidst organisms, pgymies and humpbacks.
The fight was long, yet filled with grace,
You gave your all, now it's time to stop running.
Go home. Be still. In warm aloha arms.

01.09.17

Matrimonial power

There is something quite miraculous about the Sacrament of Marriage. It carries me through my frustrations, hurts, and even despair so that I never doubt that both P and I are in this love together as the Al Jarreau song goes. I am constantly amazed at how I can rise above my baser inclinations, and be forgiving and loving when all I want to do is scream and spit out vituperative words that will cause permanent damage. Of course we are still in the honeymoon phase and it's early days yet. Just wait... you are starry eyed now... this won't last... all the cynics warn me.

I don't doubt that P and I will hit rough patches and be at odds in the future, but if he and I continue to respect each other's dignity and honour the Sacrament of Matrimony as God meant it to be, and we both consecrate ourselves regularly to Jesus, through Mary, I believe we will weather the worst storms and emerge more in love than ever, having tested the bonds of commitment, and found them both tensile and hardy. Yes, I am a romantic, and an idealist when it comes to love, and I happen to think that everyone should be the same, albeit with a wisely pondering heart like Mother Mary's.

Expect the best from your lover (without egoistically demanding the impossible) and give him or her your very best, your all. You only get back what you put out, so if you want everything, you must be willing to risk your heart, and that means sacrifice with a capital S. As I write this I know I don't do this naturally for my first instinct is to guard my heart, having been betrayed before, and having witnessed the selfish, perfidious nature of men around me. It takes reflection, talk time with Jesus, before I get it right.

Every time I whine at Him that I am not getting the love I want, He challenges me, have you really put out into the deep, given everything yourself? Have you been such a gift that your husband cannot help but love you more and therefore reciprocate in turn?

Or when I nitpick and fixate only on the negatives, He reminds me: what about all the wonderful things you have received, without even asking for them, all the perfect little gestures of love? Count your blessings and learn to see blessings even in the perceived negatives. They are present.

And when my world is raining hailstones, and I am bowed under, close to breaking point, He picks me out of the pit and holds me close to His heart where my fears are dispelled. For when I cry out to Him in desperation, at wits' end, He always comes through: He sends people who speak truth into my life, and as if by magic, my mood shifts instantly. I am humbled and suitably chastened every time I turn to the Counsellor with my woes. He has my back, and He has given me P to be His Bridegroom to my Bride.

As P and I reach a milestone today in our relationship and give thanks to the One who brought us together to be lifetime companions, I cannot help but be astounded at how the Lord is faithful and merciful to those who love Him. He certainly loves me, and P, very much.

There is power in the Sacrament of Matrimony, may P and I keep tapping on it to bring health and beauty to our marriage and each other, and bless others in the process.

My wish for all married couples who exchanged their vows in front of God is to keep turning to Jesus as role model, mediator, counsellor and good friend so that they can continue to sanctify each other, and invoke heaven here on earth as they lead each other, and others, toward heaven.

Desire for prosperity

It feels slightly strange to celebrate the Lunar New Year in a new home so the constant of the food tasting the same is very comforting to me. By replicating the tastes and smells of my childhood, I can bring alive memories of New Years past, and the presence of loved ones no longer here. So I still insist on cooking the dishes I grew up eating even though they require a lot of prep work and seem too much trouble at times.

LNY is the time of year that I miss my Father and Grandmother the most for the traditions of the season were most honoured by them, traditions that speak of family unity, filial piety and new beginnings. The Lunar New Year is about harmony, hope, rebirth, and second chances; it is about celebrating life. Although there was tremendous joy in gathering around the dining table with familiar faces of family and friends, together with P, to eat, drink, chat and laugh, there was a wistfulness, a sense of longing within me for things to stay the same, especially because my universe has changed so much and I am struggling to finding an inner equilibrium with the added roles I have taken on.

I also felt sad this year for the first day happened to fall on J's birthday. I remember taking him to lunch just last year, and now he is no longer with us. While I grieve the loss still, I managed to give thanks to God for having known and loved J for 48 wonderful years. They were blessed years filled with lots of shared laughter and tears, plus, I know we will meet again, so that is the promise I hold on to tightly.

The usual thing we wish people during this time of year is prosperity in the new year. I was reflecting on what prosperity means for me for I have learnt that true wealth lies in nurturing meaningful relationships and exercising my ability to help others. I do not want for anything, especially since in recent months my life has been enriched by a caring and sweet man.

I can only think to ask the Lord for great wealth in being poor in spirit this Lunar New Year, for a complete and sustained dependency on Him for everything is the only way I can be a good wife to P, a filial daughter to the Father, as well as a gift to family, friends and others, without losing my mojo, and my very own precious identity. 

Love note

She asked me 
What I liked about you 
Why I loved you? 
How do I quantify 
Or begin to describe 
What I feel inside:
The flutters of like that rise,
Sighing sweetly,
To the goodness of you.
Swells of affection 
Rolling into your ocean 
Of Marian blue.
Deep calling unto deep.
Bubbly girl to sunny boy.
We traipse the fields 
Of green and gold,
Spinning tales 
Effervescent, full of joy, 
Sprinkled with mirth 
Like a child's first giggles
While wonder and gratitude
Dog our every step.
He delights in our beings,
Our wedded togetherness
We are a party of three.
As we dance in unison
Mother Mary smiles,
We were meant to be
A fundamental truth
She made certain we knew 
What's best for last
To last forever
If we centre on Christ
Every single day
In faith, hope and love.
The flowers given 
by the Holy Family 
Will bloom profusely 
Enveloping all 
In their fragrance
Bringing Cana to life.

Adjustment period

P and I have been married exactly one

month today. In some ways it feels like forever, in a good way, even though I am still adjusting to living in his home, especially sharing a room, something I have not done since I left college.

A number of friends have already asked me this question, how is married life? In a word, it is good, although my true answer to the question is it just is. There are bad experiences mixed in with the good, but one does not measure marriage by the sum total of good things versus bad things. One appreciates the good, and deals with the bad to make it more palatable.

Marriage, the bonding of two souls, two lives, is complex and profound for although each person brings into the marriage all the other's relationships and ties, past experiences, baggage, individual perceptions, preferences, and expectations, the intentional melding of individual differences in the fire of self-giving sacrifice can give rise to a harmonious union that creates a positive and powerful force field around the couple and other family members.

There will always be the need for clarification for there will always be certain miscommunication, misunderstanding, disappointment, and hurt feelings. We move through a range of positive and negative emotions through time, and there is even an ebb and flow in affection. But as long as there is respect and openness, there will be room to rethink, adjust and discover new rhythms.

The state of my married life cannot be based on my affective state, but always on my conscious decision to commit wholly to P (and he to me), and this means we are committed to a lifetime of love and fidelity, putting each other first, serving the other as best we can, day in, and day out.

I do not look to P for my happiness or fulfilment, rather I am always asking myself how can I make him happy in a way that would also help him be enriched and whole. I am still learning, and adjusting. This is not about being subservient or codependent, but seeing with Mary's eyes (who was aligned completely to the Father's will) what needs to be done, and acting to bring about a good outcome, enjoyed by everyone. It's the Cana thing again.

I admit, it can be tiring, and a little daunting at times, and I fumble and stumble, but resting on my identity as child of God helps me tremendously in living out my marital commitments for when I feel exhausted, stressed out, unloved or unappreciated, I turn to Jesus, and He gives me the strength and energy to keep behaving like a beloved child of God who does not need to seek external validation.

This allows me to channel the joy of Cana, and to keep turning the mundane, even undesired water into robust, uplifting wine. I can remain joyful even when my body is crying out for more sleep and all I want to do is snap at anyone who crosses my path.

My days and weeks will continue to be intense as I try to find the balance, but as P shared with our Bible-sharing friends, we laugh together a lot, and we have kept up the practices of our courtship (of daily mass and devotion) which give heart to the relationship. So married life is sweet, despite the lack of sleep and irksome allergies.

Transforming water into wine

Last Saturday, the Gospel reading was from John, it was the wedding at Cana, which was our wedding Gospel reading. The main reason why we chose this Scriptural passage was because Mother Mary features as one of the key protagonists, apart from Jesus himself. Also, this mystery, the Second Luminous Mystery, is one of the signs we received as confirmation that we consider marriage so wedding at Cana is a very special Word for us. Father Antony reminded us yet again, last Saturday, why this Gospel is rich.

First, it features an unusual way for the Saviour to begin His ministry of redeeming the world. Instead of a significant event that would have caught everyone's attention, Jesus chose to manifest His divinity in a very domestic and loving way, and all because He wanted to please His mother, who was attempting to save a bridal couple from the embarrassment of having run out of wine at their wedding feast.

Mary, on the other hand, besides displaying a sensitivity to others' needs, is also full of faith and respectful of Her son. She wisely does not insist when He says the timing is not right, giving Him the necessary space to do what's right by instructing the servants to do whatever He tells them.

That Jesus did accede to His mother's wishes tells me that He listens to her, like a good son (hence making Mary a powerful mediatrix for us), and He also wants us to experience joy in our lives. He wants to transform life-giving water into something more delicious, and with a pleasurable kick in it. This extra something is sonship. As children of God, we can see him face to face, we can be familiar, intimate, completely reliant on Him for support when we need it. We actually do not need to worry so much in life even when beset with problems for He provides all the answers and takes care of us ultimately.

The antiphon after Communion from John chapter one echoes this gift of Cana: For all who would accept him, He gave them the power to be children of God.

The power is the gift of dignity, made in the image and likeness of the Father Himself, that engenders the ability to manage adversity, rejection, and suffering without breaking, or losing one's integrity, meeting hardship with the grace of unsinkable joy, lively hope, and unending love.

When we embody the dignity of who we are, and channel it correctly and appropriately, we communicate and perpetuate Epiphany to all we meet, that is, the physical manifestation of Christ living among us - and we sow healing, and revelatory life-changing experiences wherever we go. We are light bearers who emit a gentle and warm glow in a cold, hostile world, attracting people to Jesus.

The transformation of water into wine in quiet and discreet gestures also speaks of humility and selflessness; Christ, and His mother's, self-effacing yet most effective way of touching hearts and changing minds. Perhaps the best efforts of ours come when we strive to act out of divine love, continuing to be humble and self-giving, and leaving the rest to the Master Winemaker so that others can enjoy the bouquets and tastes enough to want a second glass, and another.