Before I got married I was struggling with a lot of fears. What if we cannot make each other happy? What if I lose my freedom, my identity, that I have worked so hard through the years to claim? What if love is not enough to work through all our differences? What if I am simply not good enough, not up to the state of matrimony and all it encompasses?
I have always understood the gravitas of marriage as a vocation to be entered into as if one were to enter into the priesthood or religious orders. It is a decision to be undertaken seriously, and not for selfish, self-serving reasons. Sacrifice ensues. Hence my process of discernment was peppered with increasingly nervous questions without any clear answers.
C and S helped diminish my anxiety with their love and support through the months leading up to marriage. In the sharing of their own journey, I was greatly encouraged. C shared that he lost all his fears on their wedding day. The sacramental graces received made all the difference. S shared the importance of allowing God to minister to the marriage through time, and to keep persevering in prayer. Transformation is patently possible, but it takes time, lots of it.
Coming up to four months of marriage, I am still amazed at how God has been so generous to me, to us. Like C, I have lost a lot of my fears, and I find I am strengthened and made whole by P's love every day. There is such liberation and joy in being cherished and respected by my husband (I hope he experiences as much goodness in his life as I do in mine).
The power of the Sacrament of Marriage is not to be underestimated. P and I rely on it continuously. There are good days when I can see beyond my own myopic vision, and when I am unable to, I am given the patient wisdom of Mother Mary's to ponder these things in my heart, until situations unfurl in unimaginable and marvellous ways.
I am able to subsume my will, and to let go of my own ideas of how things should be, and therefore to open the door to the graces of the Holy Spirit and let them flow where they will. I find myself constantly living out God's promise of "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
It is a challenge to play in a new arena of life for all the rules have changed and the landscape is completely alien to me and not without lurking giants and towering obstacles. There are also things I mourn from my past, and yet, having put my hand on the plough of marriage, I do not look back but must train my gaze to look front despite my aching heart.
In our bedroom is a much beloved wedding gift (thanks A, I was so thrilled when I first unscrolled the document and saw it), an Apostolic Blessing from Pope Francis, and it reminds me that P and I have been given daily divine graces when we consecrated our love at the altar. Every day I pray for those divine graces for I know, on my own strength, I will fail dismally.
I will never be good enough for I am a sinful and wretched woman. Likewise, P will always have his own faults and shortcomings, but we can have, will have, a good marriage as we take our time growing into it together. It is sufficient that we each desire to love Jesus and follow in His footsteps. This one desire will anchor us in all seasons, and keep us in harmonious unity. His grace is more than enough to lead us there.
I have always understood the gravitas of marriage as a vocation to be entered into as if one were to enter into the priesthood or religious orders. It is a decision to be undertaken seriously, and not for selfish, self-serving reasons. Sacrifice ensues. Hence my process of discernment was peppered with increasingly nervous questions without any clear answers.
C and S helped diminish my anxiety with their love and support through the months leading up to marriage. In the sharing of their own journey, I was greatly encouraged. C shared that he lost all his fears on their wedding day. The sacramental graces received made all the difference. S shared the importance of allowing God to minister to the marriage through time, and to keep persevering in prayer. Transformation is patently possible, but it takes time, lots of it.
Coming up to four months of marriage, I am still amazed at how God has been so generous to me, to us. Like C, I have lost a lot of my fears, and I find I am strengthened and made whole by P's love every day. There is such liberation and joy in being cherished and respected by my husband (I hope he experiences as much goodness in his life as I do in mine).
The power of the Sacrament of Marriage is not to be underestimated. P and I rely on it continuously. There are good days when I can see beyond my own myopic vision, and when I am unable to, I am given the patient wisdom of Mother Mary's to ponder these things in my heart, until situations unfurl in unimaginable and marvellous ways.
I am able to subsume my will, and to let go of my own ideas of how things should be, and therefore to open the door to the graces of the Holy Spirit and let them flow where they will. I find myself constantly living out God's promise of "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
It is a challenge to play in a new arena of life for all the rules have changed and the landscape is completely alien to me and not without lurking giants and towering obstacles. There are also things I mourn from my past, and yet, having put my hand on the plough of marriage, I do not look back but must train my gaze to look front despite my aching heart.
In our bedroom is a much beloved wedding gift (thanks A, I was so thrilled when I first unscrolled the document and saw it), an Apostolic Blessing from Pope Francis, and it reminds me that P and I have been given daily divine graces when we consecrated our love at the altar. Every day I pray for those divine graces for I know, on my own strength, I will fail dismally.
I will never be good enough for I am a sinful and wretched woman. Likewise, P will always have his own faults and shortcomings, but we can have, will have, a good marriage as we take our time growing into it together. It is sufficient that we each desire to love Jesus and follow in His footsteps. This one desire will anchor us in all seasons, and keep us in harmonious unity. His grace is more than enough to lead us there.
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