Christmas come lately

It is New Year's Eve and I am home with a bum knee. All the physical setbacks I have faced this year have been a little frustrating and I feel the weight of my years (and fat) deep in my bones.

And yet, I end the year on an emotional high for I have written the children's book I have had gestating inside of me since February. It has taken 10 months but I am glad I could gift it to Jesus this Christmas, albeit a couple of days late.

I seem to be late for Christmas in other ways as well. The commercial blitz of Christmas consumerism has left me slightly disoriented for it is the antithesis of what Christmas is all about.

Plus the hustle and bustle of December has given me little time to reflect, which always results in my inability to connect well with people, myself, and Jesus.

Whenever I get busy with Martha-like doing, there is no bandwidth to be with people in a way that feeds both them and me. I end up physically whacked and spiritually empty.

Thus my Christmas spirit was lacking and lagging until I celebrated Midnight Mass which made me realize that He is born to be with us not just 2,000 years ago, but today, as I live and breathe. He is alive today.

The miracles that touched the crowds who followed Him continue to touch us, to touch me, today. He gives me sight. He heals me of my infirmities. He feeds me and keeps me in clover as well.

So why do I falter and stumble? Why do I not experience the joy I feel at Christmas all the time?

Why do I not always trust in the living Word, the true light that shines in the darkness as John describes the living Lord?

For me, it all comes down to the distraction of living in this world where busyness gets the better of me, and things not being within my control all the time. Like my knee that decided to bail on me for no apparent reason.

I am in pain. I am grouchy and tired. I lose heart. I get insecure. I feel ineffectual.

I realize I will never perfect the balance but there will be moments when I am living beatifically. Like now. Because I acted out my yes. Because I put aside my personal reservations and went with the flow of my heart's desire.

So all I have to keep doing is to lay my "heart-earned" gifts at His feet in humble adoration. In silence. In stillness.

No one, whether shepherd or wise man, can approach God here below except by kneeling before the manger at Bethlehem and adoring him hidden in the weakness of a new-born child. 

                                                                             - Catechism of the Catholic Church, 563

Christmas may have come late this year but it is here to stay and can be mine throughout the year.

Venite adoremus

Loving more dearly

As we approach the end of the year, we are ever surrounded by unrest and strife in the world. Worse, there have been two events of senseless killings in America, committed by young men; one in an Oregon shopping mall and the other in a Connecticut elementary school involving the massacre of six year olds.

How do we make sense of killing for killing's sake? Both tragedies are abominable acts of violence that has made the world a darker place.

How did each of these young men arrive at the place where they decided to unleash firepower on other people with the intent to hurt and kill.

It is so easy to blame society, the legal system, the government; or to take matters into our own hands by bringing a gun to school to defend ourselves which is what an 11 year old in Utah did in the aftermath of Sandy Hook, but what each of us can do to fight these unconscionable acts of violence is to bring change in a radical non-violent way by loving as Christ did.

In the final chapter of Landmarks, To Love You More Dearly, Silf talks about the Fourth Week of Saint Ignatius's Spiritual Exercises which she likens to an earthquake where all but Truth is destroyed and truth itself transcends into Life.

This "resurrection energy" is what enables us to be expert witnesses, to walk the transformation that we have experienced interiorly, and to be channels of grace that receive and give constantly in our everyday lives, even in the face of hatred, anger or adversity.

As Father Romeo exhorted in his homily this morning, we all need to undergo metanoia which not only means repentance, but going beyond our understanding. We need to carry the words of John the Baptist in our hearts and go beyond ourselves every day by acting in love to all, and in all the circumstances of our lives.

The prayer of Saint Francis says it best for me:

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace.
That where there is hatred I may bring love,
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness,
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony,
That where there is error I may bring truth,
That where there is doubt I may bring faith,
That where there is despair I may bring hope,
That where there are shadows I may bring light,
That where there is sadness I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted,
To understand than to be understood,
To love than to be loved.
For it is by forgetting self that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven,
it is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.

In simple and concrete ways, we can restore light in a darkened world. This is how we can live out the Christmas story, this fourth week of Advent when we light the fourth candle that represents love.

My SD gave me two questions to take into my prayer time:

In the morning I should ask, "Lord, show me how to be light?", and during my evening reflection, "How have I been available today?". Thus, in this way, I can learn to love Christ more dearly.

While I can only offer up prayers for all those who were killed in both shootings and for healing in their families, I can make a difference in my community by being more welcoming, more loving and more forgiving.

...on those who live in a land of deep shadow, a light has shone. Isaiah 9:2

Sri Lankan surprises

Mum and I just returned from a first-time visit to Sri Lanka and we both enjoyed ourselves tremendously. I had reservations going on my first guided tour ever, but my excellent tour leader Sonny of Travel Buzz, assisted by our local tour leader Lucky and his able Jetwing crew, made the trip a luxurious, educational and insightful one.

Moreover, Sri Lanka is a land blessed with much natural beauty and inhabited by friendly and cheerful people. And the cuisine is deliciously spicy - my absolute favourite meal was egg hoppers with pol sambol and fish curry, yummydoubleyum.

We began in Negombo and worked our way eastward to Pinnawala, Nuwara Eliya, Kandy, Dambulla and Polonnaruwa, before doubling back to Colombo. I even managed an unexpected (for no one else wanted to go) climb up Sigiriya with my wonky knees and was rewarded by amazing views of its surroundings.

While I deplored the tedium of long stretches of time spent on the road (the stunning vistas hugging the Heritance Tea Factory cannot tempt my mother to make a repeat visit as she declared never again quite emphatically), I welcomed the surprises that unfolded on the journey such as the multiple wedding convoys we witnessed.

Our first morning there we saw five to six bridal parties (it was an auspicious date) and subsequently we saw practically one bride a day.

The joy visible on the faces of the many couples affirmed that love is truly what makes the world go round and nothing celebrates love as much as nuptial vows that are both sanctifying and elevating.

Amongst the newlyweds, the group celebrated a golden wedding anniversary of fellow travellers Christine and Henry. It was touching to see that their love for each other is still evident even after 50 years of marriage.

As we travelled uphill in predominantly Buddhist Kandy to our hotel, I was wondering how I was going to attend mass when lo and behold, someone spotted this Marian Shrine on the roadside opposite our hotel and a church spire in the near distance.

So I set off to explore the possibility of sunset mass and I soon found out that I could celebrate the feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Our Lady of Fatima. It could not get better than that until I spotted a rainbow as I rushed back to change for mass. I truly felt that the rainbow was specially for me, a sign of God's own promise, honouring my fidelity to Him. Super special.

From Kandy we made our way to Dambulla and on our way to the gorgeous Geoffrey Bawa designed Heritance Kandalama Hotel, there were chance sightings of wild elephants, timid deer hiding in the scrub and brilliantly coloured butterflies. While among the ruins of Polonnaruwa we found monitor lizards and monkeys with Mo-like haircuts.

The weather could not have been more perfect for we encountered blue skies and cooling breezes, even in bustling Colombo.

It is, perhaps, fitting that I received so many surprising gifts in the land of Serendip (one of Sri Lanka's earlier names) for my vacation was serendipitously delightful.

Living well

"The times are bad! The times are troublesome!" This is what humans say. But we are our times. Let us live well and our times will be good. Such as we are, such are our times. "              

This insight from Saint Augustine reminds me not to just gripe or be defeated by circumstance but rather to rise up against adversity and manufacture light in the darkness, to be a star maker as Margaret Silf suggests in chapter 14 of Landmarks.

In the Third Week of Saint Ignatius's Spiritual Exercises we are invited to unite our sorrows with Christ's Passion and allow Him to redeem our "bad times", just as He first redeemed our lives by dying on the cross.

No matter what life throws our way, there is always a way out and a way up. As long as we walk alongside Jesus to Calvary, the irrevocable, heinous mistakes of our lives and its tragic losses, all our personal griefs, they can be crucified on the cross and be transformed into beacons of hope in the landscape of our lives.

For through Christ we are offered glimpses of God's eternity, kairos moments that will mark a change in how we journey forward.

While constantly grieving our less than glorious and painful moments is not a recommended activity, contemplating these events in the garden of Gethsemane or on the road to Calvary can bring solace, enlightenment and reveal to us a meaningful and joyous path that we can walk.

In this deliberate choice to experience death, or kenosis; we can be born again, a new creation. And thus, through the bitter seeds of our suffering, shoots can emerge and blossom so others can enjoy the eventual fruit.

We are saying to God, in Paul Baloche's words: As bread that is broken, use our lives, as wine that is poured out, a willing sacrifice. We are allowing Him to direct our hearts and hands beyond the personal hurts and universal horrors we experience on a day to day basis.

Today is Gaudete Sunday where the third candle of Advent was lit and we are reminded by the readings that we are made to be happy and the way to happiness, as Luke points out is to live in a way that reaps happiness: honestly, helpfully, generously and righteously.

Thus to live well is not beyond our reach and is irrespective of the times we live in. We just have to make the choice to live out the good news in our lives, that Immanuel, God is with us, is here.

  

Seeing clearly

I read with interest an article on contextual theology in which the search for God has its starting point is life's realities; where God is found in our daily lives. So because He is in me and my context, my history, He is real, tangible in my life, not some abstract, distant concept.

One writer described it succinctly in the words of Saint Anselm's motto, "faith seeking understanding". That through faith, we come to a deeper understanding of God.

When I began to read chapter 13 of Margaret Silf's Landmarks, it all fell into place for the Second Week of Saint Ignatius's Spiritual Exercises is precisely about this, where in prayer, we "become participants in the events and teachings of his earthly life and ministry".

We begin to see God more clearly only when we cultivate an intimate relationship with Him by listening, disclosing, sharing, reflecting and giving; letting Him participate in our daily lives.

By using imaginative prayer, we can situate ourselves in Scripture and find God in the events of our lives even if there does not seem to be a direct correlation at first. When we allow ourselves to look at life through God's eyes, we find Jesus walks with us as He did over 2,000 years ago when He actually walked on this earth.

This living relationship with Jesus is one relationship that can be cultivated and nourished even for tiny tots, as I discovered when I attended my first course of Catechesis of the Good Shepherd, CGS, last week.

I was astounded by how the pedagogy of Maria Montessori, when applied to catechizing children had such a powerful effect, thanks to the dual efforts of Sofia Cavalletti and Gianna Gobbi, co-founders of CGS. The Bible, Creation, Liturgy, Sacraments, all these came vividly alive as we walked through the presentations over the week.

It is, for me, a fitting way to end the year, to be reminded that a child can grasp and synthesize truths that an adult loss of innocence distrusts and denies. That if I want to enter the kingdom of heaven I must be like a child, with a humble and unwavering faith in the Good Shepherd.

Who is this child, this special child who will be born in our midst? It is a question I will ponder on this Advent season and I hope to see Him more clearly as I prepare my heart to welcome Him.

Pray Serve Love

I got involved in two events last weekend. Both gave me the opportunity to live out the Year of Faith's new evangelization theme which was great. I also got to do things I had never done before and to stretch myself. Always a good thing.

The first was to be part of the intercessory prayer team of the Archdiocesan Youth Day 2012. Thanks Amilia for saying yes, then roping the rest of us W2W Ministry women in so enthusiastically. The second was to help out with the Church of Saint Teresa's kid's camp.

So instead of our usual meeting on Friday evening, we gathered in the chapel of the Catholic Junior College and led the prayer teams in a time of prayer before the youth rally. We also prayed for the youth of each individual parish. And later in the evening, we led intercessory prayer during the time the prayer teams would be praying with individual youth at the rally itself.

Then on Saturday morning, at MacRitchie Reservoir, I read the story of Zacchaeus out loud to four groups of children aged between 5-12, as part of the morning's activities.

In the evening it was back to CJC for one more night of intercessory prayer.

Finally I was back at the kid's camp the whole of Sunday to help out as a mentor. It has been an exhausting weekend and I got burnt to a crisp, but it has also been an exhilarating couple of days.

I was humbled and awed by the depth of love and faithfulness I encountered in others. His Spirit is alive and touches me in an unmistakeable fashion; just as I had read to the kids, Jesus is like love, you cannot hear, smell or touch Him, but you know He is there.

More specifically, I was extremely glad to be able to enjoy of the gifts of my W2W sisters first-hand and I am proud to be associated with such God-fearing women. It encourages me that these are the women God has placed in my life to help me journey on the narrow path.

I was also deeply moved by the faith of the young adults who made up the prayer teams at the youth rally for I was nothing like them when I was their age. Young and so in love with God. What a blessing.

Finally I am heartened by the many good men and women, young and old, who pitched in to make the camp a safe and enjoyable experience for the children. I am sure the young campers encountered Jesus as much as I did in the people who served them by feeding them, entertaining them, affirming them, and teaching them by just loving them.

Denise and James, you are both my heroes, I want to be just like you when I grow up. I admire your boundless energy, patience and good humour; your availability to all and sundry; and most of all, your graciousness. You both reflect God's love in everything you do and are powerful testaments to Him. Thank you for inviting me to be part of the "camp" experience.

My learning lesson from this weekend is to step out of my comfort zone and go where I do not want to willingly go (I really wanted to attend the Charles Whitehead talk last Friday). Like love, which isn't love until you give it away, faith is equally potent only when you give it away, not just for the receiver, but it is a blessing that rebounds on you as well.

Of course, the success of the rally and the camp would not have been possible without loads of pre-event prayer, a heart for genuine service and the capacity to love that is fuelled supernaturally.

So my mantra for the remaining 12 months of the Year of Faith is simple: Pray Serve Love.

Practising charity

The Gospel past Sunday was on the widow who gave her two mites and Jesus challenges us to examine our own efforts at generosity.

We all know that "to be Christian" we must share our blessings for everything we have comes from God, to be paid forward as a sign of our gratitude.

The Old Testament concept of first fruits and tithing 10 per cent is still a popular way of putting a numeric value on charitable efforts, but it can be a rather narrow definition.

We tend to give based on affiliation and more often than not, out of a sense of duty, or to feel good about ourselves. As Albert Camus said: Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practise charity.

So when is charity true generosity that comes from the place where there is no fear of loss nor hope of gain (to borrow a phrase from Margaret Silf)? When it is an act of faith that truly professes love of God and neighbour.

Pope Benedict XVI commented in his Sunday Angelus address*, faith and charity and love of God and love of neighbour are inseparable.

He also added that both women, from the stories of the widow from the first Book of Kings and the widow from the Gospel of St. Mark, demonstrated "a great faith in God", even in dire situations.

"From these two biblical episodes, the Holy Father said, 'we can draw a precious teaching about faith. It is about the interior attitude of those who base their lives on God, on his Word, and completely entrust themselves to him.'"

Believing in God's providence is a concept quite alien in today's society where independence is prized. When we do well, we believe we did it on our own, often forgetting it is God who paves the way or steers us away from danger.

It is only when we experience grievous loss or significant hurt, a time of great need, that we then turn to God, and drawing on deeper reserves of faith, allow ourselves to be transformed by God's love. Only then can we move out of immature selfishness and begin to practise gratitude by giving back in love that is not obligatory in nature.

We cannot wait until we are older or retired before we decide to help the disadvantaged among us, as P, my brother's friend, shared with me. It may be just about too late as Doctor Richard Teo** found out.

Having been privileged to experience providence in a very real way, I am always cognizant of giving back, to be the tenth leper who turned back and thanked Jesus after being healed in Luke chapter 17.

So I have a couple of guidelines for myself when it comes to me practising charity.

*   Monetary donations must be in amounts that hurt. If it doesn't cause me to give pause and utter a silent ouch, I am nowhere near the generosity of the widow in Mark's gospel. It is, after all, only money, necessary for subsistence, but it cannot buy happiness, nor should it be my god for my God will provide, as He has done so, a million times over.

*   Time and effort given must involve sacrifice, that is, I have to juggle my schedule and make time for a cause (sometimes even at the opportunity cost of lost income) rather than I do something only because I happen to be at loose ends and it feeds my ego.

*   The poor do not just constitute organizations or formal groups, but whoever is identified as having a need that I can personally address, especially the invisible. Who is my neighbour whom I can love? It could well be the next person I meet.

*   The practice of charity begins at home with kindness, patience, a helping hand and a forgiving heart, every day, not just on special days. It is easy to get caught up with work and life and forget the emotional and spiritual needs of ageing parents/grandparents, focusing only on satisfying their physical or material needs which is insufficient.

*   Go with the flow and keep an open heart and mind for every day presents opportunities for generosity of heart. Be attuned to the world and people you meet. Hear the silent cries of the hurt and lonely around you. This is hardest for me for I am always rushing around and in my impatience, I tend to overlook someone who is in need, focusing only on my own needs.

*   Most important of all, be a cheerful giver. When I start to resent the demands on my time, I have to stop and remind myself it is pointless to give grudgingly and grouchily for it completely cancels out all good intentions.

While I can only aspire to be as faithful as the widows in last Sunday's readings, I am glad for the reminder that faith is an interior attitude that must be lived out in concrete action.

So give generously, from the heart, and with a smile.

*    http://www.zenit.org/article-35938?l=english
**  Read his powerful and moving testimony: http://www.heavenaddress.com/Dr-Richard-Teo-Keng-Siang/424153/379719/content

Make love freely

In last Sunday's homily Father Arro encouraged us to make love by listening, trusting and following God. As he explained, to love the Lord "with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind and with all your strength" requires first a listening heart, one that trusts the Creator and acts out that trust by caring for others by being kind, forgiving and faithful.

This definition of making love appeals vastly to me. The greatest commandment, love of God and love of neighbour, is distilled into one simple act: to listen. It is increasingly a lost art, yet a requisite in life, especially in the pursuit of freedom and truth.

We have hit the Big Daddy of chapters in the book Landmarks, Margaret Silf begins chapter 12 with two questions: What is freedom? What is truth?, questions salient to one's quest for fulfilment in life.

D pointed out that freedom and truth are like close siblings. Amidst the tension of where we feel drawn to be and where we are actually living out our days - our good intentions at odds with our self-expectations and what the world wants from us - we can only arrive at the place of freedom in our choices if we resonate truth in our beings; a truth which is found in the place where God meets us, and He meets us where we truly are, not where we, or others think we should or could be.

Silf recommends stillness for only in this elusive place of receptivity are we able to listen to His movements in our hearts, thereby allowing Him to administer to us, bringing forgiveness and healing that in turn strengthen and empower us, especially when making moral or ethical decisions.

We enter a place of power when we live true to our desires, having aligned our true self with True North or God, and how we know we are there is that we will feel liberated, at peace and energized in whatever we do. This meeting point of inner freedom and God's unconditional love enables us to be who we are and to make choices without fear of loss or hope of gain.

I like living in this state of indifference that is living in the Spirit, for my decisions are not so coloured by my fears and prejudices, or worse, my pride. And my choices are unfettered of the influences of dogmas and social mores that speak of an individualistic, self-centred truth.

As the Catechism of the Catholic Church states: freedom is a force for growth and maturity in truth and goodness that attains its perfection when directed toward God, our beatitude. (1731)

It goes on to state that the more one does what is good, the freer one becomes. There is no true freedom except in the service of what is good and just. The choice to disobey and do evil is an abuse of freedom and leads to "the slavery of sin." (1732)

We are born with a disposition for good and a free will to navigate through life. If we act against our truth, our innate disposition for goodness, then we act against our own nature with the consequence of a circumscribed freedom.

Thus choosing true freedom implies choosing goodness, and choosing God and His ways (that lead to truth and life). And so the commandments and Church teachings are like signposts or guiding lights that help us navigate our way to truth and freedom.

Even with guidelines, finding the truth is tricky, unless we listen. When we do not listen, we very often decide our truth is THE TRUTH and we close our hearts and minds to other truths. We end up seeing only differences and great divides. To quote Father Timothy Radcliffe: Claiming that you have got the truth wrapped up does breed violence and intolerance.

While the truth may set us free, living out truth in our lives will always present challenges and be fraught with tension. But if we soak in the truth that we are created by God and we belong to Him, then we won’t forget to make love by listening first to God.

Feel free to make love today.  

Saintly aspirations

It amazes me that Halloween is such a worldwide phenomenon that people celebrate without truly understanding the meaning behind it; much like Christmas. Both events have lost their true meaning to commercialism and are now simply means of making more money, or reasons to throw a party.

Halloween or All Hallows' Eve (the eve of the all holy) is thought to have its roots in a harvest festival or a pagan feast for the dead. More importantly it is also the precursor to the joyous feast day of All Saints' Day, a feast to celebrate the holiness of humanity as seen in the saints who have gone before us and are among us today.

Ironically All Saints' Day is not as celebrated as its eve although it is an occasion for much rejoicing as the holiness of ordinary men and women reminds us we ourselves can be holy and we have a multitude of role models to choose from to emulate.

Do we restore dignity to the poor like Saint Vincent de Paul or Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta?

Do we use education as a way out of poverty for the masses like Blessed Nicholas Barre or Saint Jean-Baptiste De La Salle?

Can we be the voice of the poor like Dorothy Day in the United States, and of the oppressed like Servant of God Oscar Romero in El Salvador?

Can we humble ourselves and find the little ways of love like cloistered Saint Thérèse of Lisieux?

Can we use our own brokenness and inspire many lives like much-loved writer Henri Nouwen?

Last evening Father Romeo reminded us that we can all be saints. All it takes is the desire and the subsequent decision to act like one. Whilst most of us won't have the temerity to call ourselves holy or saints, we can still aim for holiness and sainthood.

So be a saint!

Saying yes to discipleship

Ever since I used the beautiful spathodea blooms I found on the grounds of the Bangalore retreat centre to represent God in a collage of my life story, I have always regarded a sighting of these gorgeous orangey red flowers of the African Tulip Tree, its more common moniker, as a sign from God, that He is close by and very present in my life.

Last night I dreamt that I found a giant spathodea blossom and I was thrilled at my unusual find and taking photographs of it to record the special moment. I forgot my dream until I spotted an orange flower on my way to the studio this morning and it triggered my memory.

I was greatly encouraged for I was about to give a talk in the afternoon and I was nervous. The subject was broad, discipleship, and I was unsure that what I had prepared was relevant and inspiring. 

When C first asked me if I would do it, my first instinct was to say no. Why me? Who would want to listen to me ramble on? Why put myself through an ordeal where I was most likely to make a fool of myself? Plus I would need to research and write my speech from scratch. Eeeks, where to start, what to say, can I find time to prep for it... I was in a panic.

But any opportunity to testify to God's love for me is something I cannot turn down for my relationship with the Lord is one I am most grateful for and it is something I am glad to be able to celebrate publicly. Plus, it's not about me or my issues, but it's all about God. For Him, I can be bold even if I personally am not. 

I am happy that it went fairly well and that it's over! Onward to the next mountain top.

What is my take away from this experience? I was able to see that I have grown, which is nice. I have also enjoyed looking back on my journey for it has been a joy ride like no other, full of twists and turns, that have made it scary exciting. 

But most of all, I have been reminded that if I keep myself open to new experiences and I rely totally on Jesus to be my guide, He will reward me with surprises and blessings, and I do so love both surprises and blessings thus it was an invitation I could not resist.

Saying yes is never easy and it comes with a price tag, but Lord, it is sweet.

Listening well

We talked about how God speaks to us last Friday and many things came up. Scripture. Sacraments. People. Events. Books. Television. Movies. Music. Nature. Art. Beauty. Conscience. Truth. Prayer. Reflection. Journalling. Dreams. Stillness.

The possibilities are unique and numerous, especially if we can, like Ignatius of Loyola,  find God in all things. It does presuppose we are looking for God and listening hard though.

S put it most pithily: When I am conscious, He speaks to me; when I am un-conscious, I speak to myself.

To develop mindfulness, we must fine-tune the ears of our hearts to the pitch of His voice for He talks to us constantly, but in whispers as subtle as the breeze playing with the leaves. As Saint Paul recommended we need to pray without ceasing.

This attitude of heart recognizes the primacy of God. In Matthew's Gospel, he says: Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

The problem is righteousness is never an easy choice when we are faced with the realities of office politics, and when other peoples' agendas or realities are quite different from our own.

I struggle with how to make the right decisions at times when faced with situations where things are not so clear-cut.

I begin to wonder how much I can bend the rules at times, without putting my soul into perdition. How long is a piece of string?

Even though my intent may be good, what others want may alter how a situation turns out and it is not always within my control to influence the outcome much.

I forget that there is always a choice, even in a Mexican standoff, and the choice is to go with a decision where I may be at the losing end, but my conscience is clear.

To swim against the current of convention if I know in my heart of hearts what is the right thing to do. And I do, if I listen to His whispers, even if He is telling me something I do not really want to hear.

So rather than crack my brains to come up with a legalistic answer that will prevail in a court of law, I submit murky situations to His will and keep an open mind to how He will "arrange" things.

He usually comes through with ingenious answers that leave me marvelling in wonder and with the realization that I did not need to agonize that much in the first place.

As they say, father knows best and this Father certainly does, so listen well.

Waste not, want not

The most common response to celibacy is: What a waste! I just got that comment this afternoon from a friend whom I know wants me to be happy, bless you K.

This was not unlike the response of P whom I met last weekend and had asked if I had a boyfriend or a lover and then wanted to know why I did not have an active sex life when I said neither.

It amuses and exasperates me in turn when I meet people who decide that my happiness is predicated solely on pleasures of the flesh. Is it so tragic to be a single, attractive (their words, not mine) woman who is celibate both by choice and circumstance?

I know I am on my soapbox again but it amazes me how much people think of sex, or the lack thereof and make erroneous judgements based on that.

Pleasurable as sex is because it is something good that comes from God (that humans have expertly managed to subvert, prostitute and commoditize), it is really not the be all and end all of life nor the chief reason for its happiness and fulfilment.

Yes the Bible does say we are created not to be alone and that marriage is the vocation of most people. However, there is an alternative calling: to be celibate for the kingdom, in the words of my revered JPII.

It is to realize that the perfection of marriage can only be found in heaven and to make the decision to postpone the pleasures and joys of marriage until then for we are created first and foremost to be in nuptial union with God and celibacy is a way of living out and anticipating this heavenly marriage in the here and now.

The homework this week is to reflect on what kind of relationship I have with God. I like to think that I view Him not just as father, brother, friend, creator, saviour, provider, counsellor... but also as husband and lover.

With Christ as my bridegroom, I don't feel less of a woman just because I am not desired by the opposite sex for my identity as woman is not reliant on external validation but on this intimate and precious relationship I have with Him. Thus I don't struggle as much as many single, celibate women out there do, all thanks to His unconditional and generous love.

Single women in particular are prey to society's edict that a woman cannot be happy alone. She must needs find herself a mate for to be alone is akin to a life of abject loneliness and she must be sexually active to be complete. Ladies, that is the biggest crock so don't believe it. There are many ways to nirvana if you keep your eyes on Christ and Christ alone.

 

As for my life, I only consider it a waste if I do not bring a smile to my mother's face every day, or help people around me feel better physically and emotionally.

And it is a fraudulent waste if I do not live true to who I am by orienting myself to God each day and allowing Him to use me as His hands and feet.

He is my shepherd and I shall not want.

Changing perspective

No matter how hard we try, it's difficult to view the world and people around us without our lenses of cultural filters and past experiences.

Each one of us has an individual point of view that we use to judge situations, people and relationships which is not necessarily bad unless we operate from an inflexible, myopic and judgemental viewpoint.

Last week A asked us to keep a journal of our social interaction through the week and especially in tableaux that left us a little heated under the collar, we were encouraged to place ourselves in others' shoes and to see where differing opinions and the resultant behaviours diverged, and could possibly converge.

It is only when we see that other perspectives are possible that we are willing to change how we behave, to compromise and arrive at a rapprochement of sorts.

Instead of becoming possessed by our attachments, our undesirable habits and ignoble inclinations that cause us to stumble and fall again and again, we are invited in chapter eleven of Landmarks to recognize our enemies and trust our friends. To realize we can be enslaved by evil and to seek ways to be free of these enslavements which can occasionally parade as something good.

It completely amazes me how last week's readings made a complementary accompaniment to the daily reflections A set for us that culminated in today's: Wisdom 7:7-11, Hebrews 4:12-13 and Mark 10:17-30.*

Today's readings dovetailed neatly into the process of discernment we are invited by Margaret Silf to embody:

To ask for the gift of prudence, wisdom, that we prize above all material wealth. For if we live on God's wisdom, His Word, then we will be able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart, to fill daybreak with kindness and be joyous and glad all our days, giving glory through the work of our hands.

The story of the rich, young man speaks of our attachments that prevent us from following Christ more fully; that despite our desire to grow in intimacy with God, we are not willing to give up what we have, even our perceived weaknesses and faults which have become comfortable habits.

We refuse to undergo kenosis, the self-emptying of our will in order that we be completely receptive to divine will that will teach us who are our enemies and our friends within.

The ability to know which of our impulses, good and bad, come from God requires constant prayer and attention to what our reason and conscience tell us, and for us not just to rely on our senses and imagination.

Not only that, A also reminded us last Friday that we must be humble, open, trusting and full of courage.

In order to win "eternal life", we must move beyond our fears to put our entire fate into God's hands for all things humanly impossible are possible with God.

Even changing our perspective in our interactions with strangers, acquaintances, friends, colleagues, bosses, spouses, parents, siblings and children so that we can diminish differences, banishing ignorance and hate.

We are all made to praise, reverence and serve God for we come from Him and we belong to Him. If we hold on to this truth, then we will learn to live and breathe it.

And thus find God in all things.


* http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/101412.cfm

Parting thoughts

I had just mentioned his name to a client Monday morning intending for her to try Somatic Experiencing with him, so when I read about his death last night, I was in shock.

Although I met Azriel Cohen just twice in August, he made a great impact for he helped me find a way out of the "freeze" of desolation I had been in for some time. He reminded me how all things seemingly unsurpassable are not when I draw close to the Almighty. I had stepped back from that relationship and hence was lost. He helped me re-orient myself to the revelation of God's love once again.

We are all given many talents and in Azriel he paid homage to the Creator by answering the call to multiply his talents as much as possible. In his short visit to Singapore he had touched many lives and fired the minds and hearts of those he met even as he found time to paint beautifully, being an artist among many things.

With his passing I am reminded that the fluidity of life carries loss and death in its flow, except I tend to hold the gift of time too lightly in my estimation and undervalue its potency.

A vibrant life cut short in its glory is tragic. Yet for those who remain, we can honour that life by living as He did, embracing all humanity with openness and love, honing our talents to bring light where darkness previously existed and to be willing co-creators of truth, goodness and beauty in a world devoid of and thirsting for the sacred.

Rest well, dear Azriel, for your spirit lives on in the lives of those who were fortunate enough to have met and known you. Shalom.

http://www.jpost.com/NationalNews/Article.aspx?id=287201  

In favour of carrots

The Woman to Woman Ministry is now in chapter 10 of Margaret Silf's Landmarks and the ladies has been reflecting on how we cling to things - people, ideas, beliefs or behaviour - that are not life-giving.

What is evident from our collective sharing is that we all desire love and approval while we all fear rejection and betrayal.

We all seek to be loved for who we are in our unadorned vulnerabilities and insecurities, and to believe in the love of those we in turn love; to be in relationships of unshakeable commitment and a solid, forever-like trust.

And yet, we go about with masks on, and we manufacture personas for fear that the truths about our selfs will be too much for others to accept and we will ultimately be left alone. By so doing, we refuse to honour those we love, withholding our tender hearts and suspecting others of doing the same, thus creating a chasm of deception and dangerous bubbling below the surface resentments and  unresolved emotions.

We become attached to certain patterns of behaviour as we fear failure, not realizing that we have set ourselves up for failure until it is too late. We then lament the If onlys and we ponder the What ifs, the fears that keep us from attaining our deepest desires.

I just read an article on Arnold Schwarzenegger, an interview with him about his new book Total Recall and he speaks about the secrets and lies in his then marriage with Maria Shriver. He knowingly acted with dishonesty even though he knew it would cause pain to those who were closest to him.

"So the thing that really meant the most to me kind of fell apart because of my doing. That is something I will always look back and say, 'How could you have done that?'"

All of us, at some point in time, have uttered the same question to ourselves when we look back with remorse at how we destroyed something we prized. The question is do we continue to bumble along, repeating the same mistakes in our lives or do we seek change?

A reflection I read from Don Schwager last week really resonated with me:

Repentance demands change – a change of heart and way of life. God's word is life-giving and it saves us from destruction – the destruction of soul as well as body. Jesus' anger is directed toward sin and everything which hinders us from doing the will of God and receiving his blessing. In love he calls us to walk in his way of truth and freedom, grace and mercy, justice and holiness. Do you receive his word with faith and submission or with doubt and indifference?

The accompanying prayer he wrote was a call to us to remember that we are children of God and the virtues of being child-like:

Lord Jesus, give me the child-like simplicity and purity of faith to gaze upon your face with joy and confidence in your all-merciful love. Remove every doubt, fear, and proud thought which would hinder me from receiving your word with trust and humble submission.

Likewise Margeret Silf writes that God teaches us like the children that we are. He uses carrots, not sticks. He attracts us through our own deepest desires and not through threats of eternal punishment. He calls us to the joy of his presence by inviting us to discover, in our own deepest desires, his own overwhelming and passionate desire for us (page 162).

In attempting to rid ourselves of our dependencies, attachments, compulsions, crutches, idols, all the things that drag us down, we should rely not on our own energies and efforts but to "turn our attention to the holy mountain" and "journey towards it". Centre ourselves on God and give Him an openness of heart to reveal to us in His own time and way what we need to do.

I have found what Silf proposed in chapter 10 to be true. The stick of asceticism has not worked well for me, for it only leaves me in frozen desolation, so I have opted for the carrot lately.

Instead of giving in to crippling doubt and remaining stuck in dependency, I turn to Him humbly and trust Him to lead me, like a child who has complete faith in her loving parent who is guiding her. The outcome has been empowering resolve and fearlessness to act with significantly less effort as dreaded, and even enjoyment.

Life becomes an adventure when I walk up little trodden paths of risk where the beauty of serendipity delights frequently. In fact, I often pause in amazement at His wisdom and I am immensely grateful for the blessings of love He showers on me.

I am also dismayed at how little I trust in that love and how much I cling to the mediocrity of status quo and hiding behind masks, but I am working on it.

Perhaps it is fitting that today's psalm, Psalm 128, which is a song of ascent is one I meditate on this week.

Blessed are you who fear the Lord,
who walk in his ways!
For you shall eat the fruit of your handiwork;
blessed shall you be, and favoured.

Make mine an orange root vegetable.

Friends with benefits

It's complicated is a term you hear applied to relationships between the opposite sex more and more.

Everywhere you turn you see the dissolution of marriages and exclusive relationships due to choices that do not honour commitment or fidelity.

Everyone wants a special someone in their lives, but how we pursue love has transformed dramatically for there seems to be an amoral, hedonistic grabbing at a cheap version of love which is founded first on lust or our own neediness.

It doesn't help that the concept of friends with benefits has entered the lexicon of relationships either, whereby couples scratch each other's sexual itches while disclaiming any emotional or spiritual involvement of the mutually exclusive kind.

I recently met someone whom I found attractive but at the same time I knew instantly that there can be no future other than a possible friendship. While on some level I mourn the death of something "special" before it can even start, I also welcome the possibility of getting to know this person as a fellow human being and appreciating him as a spiritual brother.

Friendship, pure, honest and simple is not the worst option in the world. Definitely less fallout in the aftermath of its demise. And with the boundaries of mutual respect and wisdom, I stand to benefit from a relationship that is uncomplicated yet brings pleasure.

I know there will be days I wish there could be more to this infatuation, but infatuation is by definition foolish, unreasoned and a libidinal response. So I will not walk down a path that will only lead to heartbreak.

There was a time when I would have subscribed strongly to half a loaf being better than none when it comes to love, but I have come to realize (after much painful experimentation) than mouldy bread gives me a stomach upset followed by the runs and leaves me unsatisfied and hankering for more.

I now choose safe and healthy for my body loves the wellbeing good digestion brings and the joy of functional relationships without the taint of addiction.

In all relationships, there is one rule of engagement that holds me in good stead, and that is to desire the good of the other. To be a friend without focusing on my own benefit, what's in it for me. To give and receive by that act of giving, rather than to grasp and grab.

Uncomplicated is not easy I'll grant, but it sure beats complicated and watching everything come to a messy and sorry end. I will take friendship with platonic benefits anytime.

Holy balance

This afternoon I was accused by someone of being too holy and therefore I lacked balance in life. She meant it kindly so I was quite amused for I have been feeling quite the opposite lately and had only just begun to find my equilibrium again.

On the surface, I am very involved in "holy" activities, and I am not quite a deadbeat yet. However, faith and good works go hand in hand and my interior life has had me wandering aimlessly in the freezing desert night and I have been suffering from acedia, a debilitating, spiritual malaise that has impeded my ability to work or pray with joy.

Thank goodness for my "holy" activities for they have kept me from sailing over a cliff into despair.

Thank God for Saint Ignatius whose examen is invaluable for self-awareness has helped me inch my way forward; and for Blessed John Paul II whose Theology of the Body inspires me to express my sexuality with passion and verve.

I am most grateful for Scripture and the Sacraments that have given me the impetus to move toward magnanimity, for without supernatural aid, I would not have been able to extricate myself from the quicksand of acedia-like mediocrity.

One of my "holy" activities has involved attending Jeff Cavins'  Psalms, the School of Prayer, and I was blown away last evening when we covered the Penitential Psalms and the concept of sin for I could see clearly how sin was impacting me.

Cavins talks about why sin is so deadly for we often do not set out to sin and when we do sin, we are mostly unaware of our own culpability. It thus becomes like a trap we have walked into and need outside help to escape from.

He defines sin as chet, Hebrew for missing the mark; a choice we make to abuse our God-given freedom; living as though God does not exist, embodying a practical atheism; or an act disobedience.

Cavins quotes from Blessed John Paul II's Apostolic Exhortation Reconciliation and Penance in which JPII defines sin as a rupture with God, a turning away from He who sustains life and is ultimately suicidal.

Since by sinning man refuses to submit to God, his internal balance is also destroyed and it is precisely within himself that contradictions and conflicts arise. Wounded in this way, man almost inevitably causes damage to the fabric of his relationship with others and with the created world.

Every sin has both personal and social repercussions:

The mystery of sin is composed of this twofold wound which the sinner opens in himself and in his relationship with his neighbor. Therefore one can speak of personal and social sin: From one point of view, every sin is personal; from another point of view, every sin is social insofar as and because it also has social repercussions.

I had forgotten about the social effects of sin, and had only been lamenting the effects of my tidak apa* state from a personal viewpoint, wallowing alone in my zombie state.

I had dismissed how irascible and intolerant I have become, snapping at people and behaving most uncharitably to all and sundry. Even my recent fractured toe was a result of my impatience and disarrayed inner state.

As I have not been too thrilled about my recent bad behaviour, I have already been submitting with humility, in silent prayer, my desires to God. Now I can add the classic seven penitential psalms of 6, 32, 38, 51, 102, 130 and 143 to my prayer time.

Coincidentally we are in chapter nine of Landmarks which is about excessive positive and negative attachments, or addictions and aversions that curtail our inner freedom.

What I discovered was I have an excessive aversion to failure that stems from an excessive attachment to excellence. This skewed desire drives me to seek perfection and to feed my compulsion of being right all the time.

Conversely I am also a non-starter who chokes easily when she finally comes off the blocks and then gives up without a fight. I am impaled on the horns of pride and sloth simultaneously.

Last night's lesson thus reminded me of the importance and necessity of penitence. "A humble, contrite heart" that acknowledges God as the sole author of my life. For only then can I free myself from the hook of attachment and point True North, toward God; to hang in perfect balance as Christ did on the cross, He who freely chose obedience to God out of deep love for both His Father and for humanity despite knowing the grim end He would face.

For this evening's sharing, one of the reflection questions was whether we still struggle with our undesirable attachments in life once we have found a way to liberate ourselves and my answer is it is and will always be a struggle. There are neither instant nor permanent cures, and there will invariably be ups and downs in one's spiritual journey.

As for dear L, thank you for caring and I am so glad that I am finally walking out of the disorienting woods.

I can only ever wish I will be too holy.

* a state of indifference and not caring about anything in life

Saying goodbye

This week, I said goodbye to two colleagues who have become friends and it has been bitter-sweet.

While I know very well that nothing in life lasts forever, it is hard to welcome change when these are people who have brought much joy and laughter into my life, besides having taken care of me so well.

Sure, you will remain friends, and some of my dearest friends are people I have met on the job, but it is not the same.

I also mourn their departure for I feel that something that was truly special to me has ended. Letting go of this will be hard, but at the same time, I am powerless to keep things as they were. It would be futile to try and stop change, detrimental even.

If I cannot stop it, then I must learn to deal with it, much as it unsettles me. First comes the acceptance that change is fundamental to life. Thus the practice of mindfulness is a good one for it helps me not to take for granted the people I know and love on a daily basis. And to give ample thanks for their presence in my life. 

Plus, as Rick said to Ilsa in Casablanca, "We'll always have Paris," and I have memories to last me a lifetime. Even if we were never to meet again, I would carry the love and affection we have shared in my heart, and thinking on that past would always make me smile.

But as I am sure we will meet again, seeing as Singapore is not big, I look forward to creating more great memories in the near future, K and K.

So saying goodbye may not be the worst thing on earth but the inception of great possibilities, a ripening of friendship, as it has been in other workplace friendships that I have. Yet I cannot help but feel some vestigial sadness despite my positive rationalizations.

In all this, the words of Saint Teresa of Avila remind and comfort me best:

Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
He who has God 
Finds he lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.

K and K, home girls, thank you for having been an integral part of my life this last handful of years, for being part of an "era" I hold dear. And for all the richness and order you have brought to my life, I thank you and I love you ladies. God's grace be upon you both and let's meet up and party soon.