On this day in 1957 my parents said yes to marriage, to be there for each other until death effects a parting. Much as my father desired to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary together, he succumbed to cancer in August 2003.
While their life together had its moments, Daddy was a real terror at times, it was lovely watching them together, their “coupleness”. After 40 odd years of marriage, they still had real conversations with each other, they hung out together and they had a gentle affection for each other. They had grown into each other in a way I would like to do with P. Two separate individuals with distinct personalities and likes who could come together and blend harmoniously in the commons of marital love.
I was joking with a friend that P and I would never celebrate 50 years of marriage, hence I made the most of our 50 months together, but in truth, the brevity of our time together has so much packed in it that the quantitative seems unimportant. I have grown accustomed to the rhythms of our life together and I (don’t know about him) simply cannot imagine life being any other way. Grateful for the richness I have experienced and I pray never to take it for granted, ever.
Marriages don’t seem to be as robust as marriages of my parents’ generation. There will always be periods where relationships are turbulent and difficult. And yet such times are part and parcel of every marriage. I must admit I have thought my mother foolish in the past for putting up with so much abuse from my father. I was foolishly too modern in my thinking looking only for quick fixes and espousing disposable relationships. Despite their difficulties and struggles, there was also much beauty and joy in their relationship, especially in latter years. The bad did become good because divorce was not an option and they made it work. Short of having made a bad choice - here I would term a bad choice as someone who was dishonest, unethical, violent, abusive or with sociopathic tendencies, someone who leads you to sin - we should not give up on marriage so easily, there is always a way.
This is where supernatural grace comes in for marriages to not only survive but thrive. A supernatural grace that can only flow from a couple’s individual and collective faith: a belief in the institution of marriage and their own marriage, as well as a belief in God’s mercy and forgiveness that transforms the individual such that they can surmount past hurts, even bad childhoods, in order to bring healing and growth into their relationship as a couple.
In my bathroom I have a papal apostolic blessing that blesses our marriage and it reads: that their love consecrated at the altar will be blessed each day by divine graces. I place it where I can see it and read it not because I believe this piece of paper holds any special powers, but that it serves as a timely reminder to me: divine graces must be sought before they can be attained and experienced fully.
We seek divine grace when we seek the better of the other. This all-encompassing better of the other demands that I work out all my own baggage of fears, insecurities, bad scripts, unhealthy patterns of behaviour, selfish desires and egoistic narcissism before I present myself at the table of marriage. I need to better myself every day before I can work on the goal of wanting the better of my spouse.
At the table of marriage I must present the best of who I am, together with a listening and forgiving heart, an empathetic and gentle tongue, a sensitive and gracious spirit, a grateful, patient, good-humoured demeanour even when I feel least like it. Did I mention perseverance is key for I also need to actively seek the better of my spouse every day and evermore.
Whatever hurts I experience I leave at the feet of the Lord, always begging the Lord for wisdom to know how I should navigate in every circumstance, especially when I feel I am not heard, or when I am taken for granted. Oftentimes I do not even have to address the situation for somehow prayer helps me resolve it by either giving me a new perspective through insight, or giving him one. Prayer allows me to go outside of myself and expand my capacity to love in order that I can give generously until it hurts, and then give some more. As Mother Teresa put it: I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
I have a friend who thinks I am crazy to do what I do, who thinks I am a door mat and foolish. What I have found is the more you give in love, the more you receive, bearing in mind that there is no expectation in the first place of what comes back to you. Love has to be unconditional.
Marriage is a constant ebb and flow of give and take, it requires openness of heart and the ability to change when change is what brings about harmony. I can only thank God that He has endowed both P and I with this pragmatism to do what is necessary to make our marriage work. Knowing exactly what to do doesn’t make it any easier to execute, great sacrifice may be demanded at times, but when one gives freely, even greater rewards come, as I have found. So don’t be afraid to give generously. Don’t be stingy.
I thank my parents for being such great role models of what to do and what not to do as spouses. While Daddy is no longer with us, I am sure he is still watching out for Mummy and the four of us. Remembering Daddy and Mummy today who said yes to a life together and to bringing me into being, along with my brothers. Divine grace helped my parents remain true to each other to the end as I hope and pray it helps me and P today and in the coming years.
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