Fun days

Baby bro asked me a question a couple of days ago, what do I do for me time - to relax and have fun?

The question threw me for a loop for it is one I usually pose to stressed out friends (not one usually directed at me), and also because I couldn't really give him a valid response for a while.

Well, I do have plans this new year and I am quite excited about auditing a course on moral theology called Personal Compass: Navigating Ethical Ambiguity but that hardly qualifies as fun.

I had to think hard before I came up with an answer that satisfied him, that is I intend to buy a ukulele and take lessons this year.

His question set me thinking - do I do fun stuff, am I a fun person? Why did I have to struggle to answer him?

I no longer dive, much as I would love to, due to time and cost constraints. Anyways, that was a very occasional avocation.

Right now, I don't do anything that brings me pleasure and helps me unwind apart from an occasional glass of wine or umeshu, which is a frightening realization.

The last performance I attended was only because I wanted to bring Mum for she enjoys live music.

I rarely hang out with friends who lead equally busy lives.

I haven't stepped into a cinema in ages. I don't even listen to music much although I love music and it moves me.

I haven't danced in years although I love to dance. I still read, but not books that would qualify as light reading.

Hmmm... all I do in my free time is blog, surf the net and watch cable TV. Not good.

No wonder my body is stiff as a board, creaky and growing sideways.

So yes, I am going to prioritize fun activities in 2011, activities which include being outdoors and pushing myself physically so I experience a rush of endorphins on a regular basis.

In honour of my baby bro, whose birthday it is today, I am going to model him and learn to lighten up and get moving.

I wouldn't want to turn into someone with "spiritual bad breath" who has no idea how to laugh at herself and is a pain to be with.

It would be pointless to be a person who does "good deeds" but does them without any joy (I have been rather frazzled and snappish lately so yes, I could definitely be less wired).

Thanks for the reminder, bro. Bring on the fun.

Past lessons

As always I cannot believe how the year has just gone by in such a flash. And once again, I am left with a sense of sadness and regret mingled with a sense of accomplishment and gratitude for how my days have unfolded.

My biggest achievement this year was my silent retreat for it jump-started my sleeping soul to awake from the torpor it had been in for many months.

I am profoundly grateful for such a WOW experience of God, an incredibly insightful and wonderful second naivete.

Even now, eight weeks later, I feel more centred and integrated, with a rejuvenated sense of mission.

The year 2010 has been a year of many losses, a melange of people and personalities who have touched my life are now gone. I still grieve with those who are left behind, for the void is still palpable in the lives of the living.

What these losses, and my May surgery, have taught me is to value the time I have with those I love. Every meeting, every opportunity to connect with someone, be it my mother or an ex-colleague, is precious.

This heightened sense of awareness leads me to treasure life as I live it and to express gratitude for every experience, good and bad.

Our bodies require a balanced lifestyle - frequent exercise and a moderate diet - to remain in homeostasis optimally. I have never felt this more so than now when my body protests any abuse quite vocally.

Although my energy levels are almost back to normal, I must still watch how I push my body for it does not like it when I disconnect mind and body when under fire.

My wish for next year is that I reside more in my body and that I treat it with greater respect than I currently do.

I have also come to the realization that no matter how hard I try, my life will always be busy and trying to do everything I want to will always be a huge juggling act.

The only thing I can do, to safeguard my psychic and emotional well-being, is to ensure I schedule me time into the equation. And more importantly, quiet time with the Lord.

He is the centre of my life and when I do not live out this truth, I always end up untrue to myself for I lose clarity as I meander down a deviated pathway.

As I cherish and nourish my relationship with my Saviour, I intend to continue strengthening the bonds I have with the people around me.

Take what I have begun this year, build on it and move all my relationships to a deeper and more satisfying level of interaction.

And this is how I will honour the past of my mistakes and accomplishments, my joys and sorrows, my losses and gains; to take everything experienced, dissect it and reflect on how to learn from it. Then map and execute a course of action, every day.

I would like to walk a straighter path, and shine as a brighter light. With my past to help me, I know I can make it happen.

Christmas wishes

amid the glasses clinking, holiday feasting

a child like no other came into this world

He is the real reason for celebrating

for He will be the one who saves the world

yet His gift is mostly disparaged, forgotten

among the gifts that glitter and wow

we forget we are a city not forsaken

when we act like kings who cannot bow

although I love Him, I am just as guilty

of not taking time to pay Him homage

caught up in Martha-like hospitality

that wearies me and brings calorie damage

what i wish for is time to sit and chill

make room in my heart for the newborn lad

to radiate peace on earth, to all, goodwill

enthrone Him within; serve with spirit glad

to the ends of the earth banish sadness and pain

we can, if we embody the crux of Christmas

it's all about love, making it our daily refrain

and with the Family rejoice beyond Candlemas

Love reflections

As Advent draws to a close with the lighting of the fourth candle (that represents love) last Sunday, I am suddenly surrounded by people in pain, physical and psychological. People in need of relief, of comfort.

While love is my ethos in life, and I find it easier than joy to attain, I have to be careful to pace myself for my tendency is to do too much, to the point of mental and physical exhaustion.

It's always hard to set boundaries when I see someone in pain but as I am not in such great shape myself, I have been nursing my need for self-preservation lately.

Love of self must come into the equation of loving, for without the ability to love myself, I would not be able to love others in a true self-giving fashion.

Previously, when I lacked the ability to love myself, I found myself lacking in many areas and I was always hungry for the love of others.

In my relationships, there was always a fear that others would also find me as lacking as I found myself. So in order to win their love, I would bend over backwards to be the perfect friend or girlfriend.

I would subsume my self in the process and could never just be me in a relationship, unafraid to be loved, warts and all.

Although old habits die hard and I sometimes feel like that unlovable, dislikeable person inside, I now know that Jesus loves me just the way I am and that is sufficient endorsement for me to rise above my low self-esteem and tell myself I am indeed worthy of love.

Every day I am learning to love myself as He loves me. For seeing myself through the Lord's eyes of love is illuminating.

I can see possibilities I never saw before.

I can hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

I can trust that no matter how awful or bad I am He will always love me and that knowledge arms me with power to be courageous and boldly optimistic.

I find myself more able to love others in ways that are not self-serving or motivated out of fear. Thus, I am free to love unconditionally, with no desire for recompense or recognition.

As I become more adept at being loving and caring in ways that come naturally to me, I ask myself how and what next, for Christ's love is inclusive and unconditional, and if I wish to imitate Him, I must love to the point of uncomfortable vulnerability, and include those whom I may not like or deem undeserving.

This calls for humility in loving. To never think of myself as above anyone. To always let God lead me rather than forcing my will on others and what I think is best for them.

It also calls for a finely tuned sensitivity to know when to go forward, or take a step back. To know when to give in to a situation, or to nudge someone along. To have the wisdom to know what the other needs before he or she even thinks of it.

Perseverance is also needed, to never give up on a person or situation and to let God do His thing in His own time.

And, of course, mercy. For without gentle compassion, an act of love is flat, one-dimensional and devoid of real warmth.

My constant reminder to myself is to never think I am God, for in any given situation, when I have brought about a good outcome, it is not I, but the Lord who has effected the change. And only He can make the impossible happen. We are but His channels of grace.

On the eve of His birthday, the one who is God-is-with-us, I offer my willing heart to love as He loves and hope that it will be a gift worthy of a king.

Hard-won joy

Just when I said I was going to live with joy this week, what should surface in my life but fear from the changes around me, changes that bring disquiet and unease into my heart.

I can just hear the Lord gently challenging me, "How strong is your faith? If you believe in me, then you know I will take care of you, no matter what. Haven't I already done so all these years?"

And I, of course, have to hang my head low for what I am facing right now is nothing compared to what I had to previously. What is more galling is my faith seems weaker at present, compared to what  it was.

It's ironic but it's the niggly changes that eat away at my equanimity more so than the obvious and gargantuan ones.

Here is where I have to fight my inclination to atrophy in complacency and relive a fundamental truth: death leads to new life.

Change is inevitable. Situations and relationships must evolve, and in the process, die many deaths in order to give birth to new possibilities that are unimaginably rich and portentous.

Rather than avoid or resist change which is both a useless exercise and a waste of psychic energy, I must trust in God's plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11-13), be open to how the future unfolds and have sufficient faith to adjust accordingly without cowardly deviations that subvert my integrity.

If I continue to seek God's will in my life with fierce single-mindedness, I will not lose sight of the truth of who I am and what I should be doing, come what may, and I can then forge ahead.

G.K. Chesterton said: "Courage is almost a contradiction in terms: it means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die."

I don't have to like the changes that are happening around me, but I can still live with peace and joy in my heart.

All it takes is a little courage.

*******

Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.

-Alice Mackenzie Swaim

Joy of living

Joy or happiness is something we all desire in life and we often go to great lengths to attain what we perceive might give us happiness, forgetting it's not something we can grasp in our hands, but a state of being that can be independent of environmental factors.

We are not helped by the commercialism of the upcoming festive season as we work ourselves into a frenzy of Christmas shopping.

It's just so easy to lose focus and make Christmas about giving and receiving unnecessary, expensive gifts, and feasting and drinking to excess. Where joy is understood as doing, doing, doing and not simply being.

I find that feeling happy is not something that makes an impact on my consciousness like despair, anger or gloom. I actually have to ask myself how I feel in order to identify my sense of wellbeing.

What gives me a sense of lightheartedness, inner peace or satisfaction is sometimes so nebulous and transitory that I have to reflect back on the day past in order to recognize these fleeting moments of quiet exultation or pleasure.

I am glad for the practice of prayer that allows me to connect to my interior life and my inner self, the self that is naked and trusting before the Lord, free to be beloved and beautiful.

This coming before Him and realizing that everything I have comes from Him enables me to recognize the blessings I have received in the day and to be grateful; to consequently give thanks.

In gratitude oft lies joy, and a peace "the world cannot give" so that even in difficult times, I can hope without losing faith or come tumbling down like a house of cards.

When Mary said yes to being the mother of Jesus, she must've known she was in for a tough time. How was she going to explain to Joseph, her fiance, that she was pregnant by and with God?

How was she going to explain the scandal of pre-marital pregnancy to her family and friends, something so dishonourable that it could lead to her death by stoning?

She must've been terrified and confused, yet filled with joy; desperate to have someone acknowledge her still secret condition, so when Elizabeth and the foetus John responded with such joyous affirmation, she simply burst into a song of great exultation.

The great joy evinced by the protagonists in the Visitation scene clearly marks them as people of unyielding faith (John was to demonstrate this when he grew up) and largely in tune with the Spirit.

During an Advent talk I attended, the concept of consecration was raised. To be set aside for God. If we are all created to be dedicated to God, to be holy people, how do we fulfil this aspect of our "design"?

Like Mary, Elizabeth and John the Baptist, we must be completely open to the Spirit who will guide us and not allow the joy of the Lord to abandon us even in times of uncertainty, destruction and loss.

As for me, I aim to live joyously, especially during this third week of Advent, for what could be more wonderful than the miracle of life given and redeemed?

Eucharistic peace

The second Advent candle lit today symbolizes peace. Faced as we are with not just the threats of war or civil unrest around the world, but also disharmony within families, is world peace ever attainable?

Isaiah talks about the wolf and the lamb living together, the lion with the calf - possible only if we let a little child lead us. While Paul echoes this in his letter to the Romans - if indeed we follow Scripture and live as Jesus did, then we can hope to see the peace of Christ in our communities and our lifetimes.

In attempting to bring about peace, we are called to be radical, like John the Baptist. As Fr. Arro pointed out in his homily today, we must not give in to the darkness but instead we must be the light shining in the darkness, illuminating the way and transforming people's lives.

I started the morning saying to God, are you kidding? It is too monumental, an uphill battle all the way and I am not confident I have it in me to be a peace-maker, or a hope-spreader, for that matter.

Could I "let peace begin with me"? (There was something I needed to do today and I was quite apprehensive about it.)

The word Eucharist comes from the Greek word eucharistia which means thanksgiving and in many ways lately, I have been reminded of the power of the Eucharist, the most recent being Pope Benedict XVI's Apostolic Exhortation Sacramentum Caritatis, the Sacrament of Charity.

The Eucharist is the "source and summit" of life and the "food of truth", if we recognize it as such. For the sacrifice of Jesus was no small one; through it, good has triumphed over evil. The battle has been won.

These are truths we are all familiar with but do we believe them and do we act as people who are in touch with these truths?

To bolster my confidence, I went to the adoration room and spent some time with Jesus before mass.

I sat, at first, in self-doubt, surrounded by my fears, but as I began to offer up my emotions and insecurities, a sense of peace stole over me.

In acknowledging my own limitations and shortcomings and inviting the Spirit of Jesus to take over, my heart grew calm and I knew that I only had to rely on God's wisdom and all would be well. And it was.

I am amazed at how things unfolded this afternoon and I can really see that wisdom is, as interpreted in the Bible, to know God and to do what He wants.

While the fractured world around me will not become whole overnight, I know that I can make a difference, insignificant as it may be, and I should not be afraid to try.

As I journey further into the second week of expectant waiting, I am hopeful that I can see justice "flourish and peace till the moon fails" if I rely on the gift of the Eucharist to lead me.

A precious gift I am eternally thankful for.  

Voyage of hope

Baby bro called two weeks ago and we had a lovely long chat. As always, the conversation was an exchange of diverse and varied ideas as we shared our lives for we are such different people, travelling on such disparate paths.

It is our love for each other, a bond forged in childhood, which keeps our hearts open, struggling to understand at times, but mostly succeeding in demonstrating a love accepting of each other's opinions, beliefs and foibles.

My brother knows I love him deeply and I only desire to see him happy and fulfilled, becoming the man he was created to be: a good man who can rock this world. (Don't get me wrong, bro, I know you are doing good, but you were created to do spectacular things.)

So when we connect, as big sister, I like to challenge him to grow and to be a better man while he challenges me to be less insular, self-righteous or hidebound.

When I first established a living relationship with Jesus, I was passionate about "doing the right thing" and becoming a model Christian to show my love for Him.

On fire, I wanted everyone to experience what I had, that God's love is amazing and the highest of highs.

I was dismayed, especially when people I love, made choices that brought them further away from that experience or alienated themselves from the experience of enjoying God as loving Father.

I have since learnt that God's timing is perfect. His way is best and it is not for me to insist on what I think is right or best. Yes, it's that old Messianic/Pharisaic complex.

During my Seven Fountains retreat, I meditated on John 21:1-14 and it reminded me that, like the disciples who were in the boat, we are all making our way to Christ on the shore, whether we immediately recognize Him, then sit back to contemplate Him quietly; whether we jump into the water like Peter and swim toward Him with urgent excitement; or whether we make sure we secure our great catch before rowing to shore to meet Him.

It happened to be All Souls' Day that day and I was reflecting on life after death and what happened to the souls in purgatory. As if Fr. David read my thoughts, his homily answered my questions.

No one really knows what will happen when we die but it is clear that Jesus came to save everyone. Christianity is an all-inclusive religion, whether we believe implicitly or explicitly. So perhaps we will all eventually make our way back to Him, leaving hell and purgatory empty, cold places.

That said, this aspect of God's love and mercy does not give us license to dally or go with a less loving, selfish choice (most of us will not choose evil) just because we feel the world has more to offer us than God.

As we enter the season of Advent today, we are reminded by the readings to have hope but to also stay awake for we do not know when the end will come and we will be held accountable for what we did with our lives on earth.

Rather than focus on possible dire consequences, I like to focus on what choosing God and His ways means in the here and now (putting aside the issue of eternal life) for delay means denying ourselves the multiple blessings of an active and practised faith.

I honestly do not care if I go to heaven or hell. What I care about is cultivating this precious love relationship I have with Jesus.

This may involve choices that are difficult and seemingly foolish by today's standards.

It will certainly guarantee persecution, even from those we love.

And, we may possibly not see the rewards in this life.

So why do it?

Because true love is not easy to find and having found it, I am not about to throw it away. I am willing to sacrifice much for this relationship. Paradoxically, I have found that the more I give up, the more I gain as Jesus had pointed out to the rich young man who sought the key to eternal life.

Fr. Ignatius reminded me recently that Christians are called to be signs of contradiction in the world today. So we must not be afraid to speak up for love and truth as Jesus did, and to live it. To change the world by changing who we are, first of all.

My cousin A. says we cannot defy the "scourge of our forefathers" and we are unable to effect change. She forgets that all things are possible with God.

If we are clear about what is our mission in life, we can move mountains and change the landscape (internally and externally) if, like Jesus, we are in tune with the Father and His ways by keeping the communication lines wide open all the time.

As I give thanks for family and friends who are travelling with me on the boat of life, I pray that each one of us will experience the hope surrounding the birth of Emmanuel, God with us, in special and unique ways, and be the Christ child to those around us.

Teresa of Avila

I recently read the biography Teresa of Avila written by Marcelle Auclair and I was blown away.

St. Teresa was completely feminine in her sensibilities* but so steeped in holiness that she was blessed with being able to experience ecstasy, a state of perfect union with God, when she prayed in silent contemplation.

Due to my grandmother's faith in the effectiveness of the prayers of Carmelite nuns, I have, from a very young age, always been aware of this cloistered order and grew up visiting the sisters regularly during festive occasions.

But given the austerity of the lifestyle, I came to the conclusion very early on in life that the person who founded this order must have been a formidable and dour woman who did not know how to have fun.

I had to alter this long-held impression upon closer study of this amazing woman.

Yes, she was formidable in how she utilized all her God-given talents to the best of her ability to reform and rejuvenate the Carmelite order, but she also sounds like a woman I would want to associate with and to emulate, for she was joyful, cheerful, funny, charming, witty, kind, wise, pragmatic, creative, humble and so imbued with common sense that she understood exactly what was needed to realize and maintain the spiritual aspirations of those who were called to live in her cloistered communities.

She was very big on self-knowledge, moderation, humility and silent prayer. Despite her gruelling schedule, she found time to write in order to better help her nuns practise the disciplines of "mental prayer" for she understood too well the distractions of noise.

"For speaking distracts; silence and action concentrate our mind and give it strength..."

What also inspires me greatly is that St. Teresa came to be this woman of deep and constant prayer, eschewing worldly comforts only when she was in her mid-forties. Although she ran away from home at the age of seven to be a martyr and she later entered a convent in her youth, she was far from becoming this great mystic and saint who is today recognized as a Doctor of the Church.

Auclair writes: "Teresa did become a saint by sheer force of willing it and with the grace of God. It is this process of achieving sanctity, this slow and costly transformation, which makes her life an unparalleled example for us."

She is truly a great role model even today, for her determination to rise above all of life's challenges steered her through persecution, privation, obstacles, lifelong illness and loss. Her ability to find her centre in God was singular.

And despite the outward signs she received of God's favour, all the miracles that happened during her lifetime, she never let it go to her head or saw herself as above anyone else.

She held on fast to love, humility, obedience and work and even in her latter years, retained a child-like innocence and simplicity, rare in a person who had already accomplished so much, moving mountains along the way.

When my heart is full of disquiet, I go back to this poem she wrote and sing the Taizé** version which always brings me back to what is important in life:

Let nothing trouble you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things pass away,
God alone is unchanging.
Patience obtains everything.
The one who possesses God lacks nothing,
God alone suffices.

And with this simple act, my fears are quelled.

"All is nothing. God is all."

* Mother Teresa of Jesus, as she was known, loved beautiful things, music, dancing and cleanliness. She had a great eye for detail and a great mind for organization, and she could spin, sew, cook and keep a household sparkling and running like clockwork.

** http://www.giamusic.com/searchPDFS/G5580.pdf

Perfect seven

I just returned from my first silent retreat yesterday. I was in Chiang Mai at The Seven Fountains, a Jesuit Spirituality Centre. It was a week of total grace!

The number seven represents spiritual perfection in the Bible.

Seven are the gifts of the Holy Spirit* endowed upon us in Baptism and strengthened in Confirmation.

If you are interested, the seven gifts are wisdom, understanding, counsel (right judgment), fortitude (courage), knowledge, piety (reverence) and fear of the Lord (wonder and awe).

I spent seven days at Seven Fountains, and this was after seven years of my initial conversion experience so I see a lot of symmetry in the timing and I know that how I was led there is a God-incidence (thanks B., it was really you who inspired me to go) and no accident.

If you have been following my blog, you will note that I have been experiencing a season of spiritual dryness and desolation for some time now.

People are funny, or maybe I am funny, it's not as if I did not know what I needed to do, but I could not muster the effort to do the necessary, which was put aside time for prayer, but instead decided to desiccate in the aridity of the desert.

In the battle of flesh versus spirit, the spirit must win from time to time and this was one of those times. Thank God!

I was just telling D. this morning to expect obstacles to commitments that will bring us closer to God for the devil will try to hinder such commitments.

Lest we forget, there is a spiritual battle going that goes beyond flesh and blood so we must guard the gift of our faith well if we seek to remain true every step of the way, but I won't bore you with details beyond saying Paul says it best in Ephesians 6.

Obstacles aside, I experienced such a revelation of God's love and mercy that I was, still am, overwhelmed and beyond awed.

I told my spiritual director Fr. Olivier (a lovely, lovely man) that I finally understood why the Bible is known as God's love letter to us.

Consolation upon revelation, I could not stop singing Him praise and paeans of gratitude as He spoke to my heart with such tenderness and perspicacity.

The format of prayer was simple. Four daily meditations based on Scripture. Take 30 minutes for each meditation and an additional 10 minutes before commencing the meditation to still the mind, heart and body.

To maintain the spiritual ambience, silence was observed throughout the day apart from the meeting with my SD and the peace offering during evening mass. This includes keeping any form of communication to a bare minimum, and preferably at the end of the day, for if we carry the baggage of our daily lives with us, we will not get very far...)

It was very liberating for me to maintain the disciplines of prayer for my days were made simple and focused. And the only person I spoke to was God, who, in the silence, responded in kind and proved quite talkative.

I did not lack for companionship and I was never bored.

Dorothy Day, one of our modern day saints, was a woman of action who always took regular time-outs for contemplation, for she saw it as being vital for her spiritual life.

After my Seven Fountains experience, I begin to see why she was so diligent about retreating from the world in silence. I am convinced of the efficacy of an annual retreat to refresh the soul and I intend to make another next year, instead of waiting another seven years.

Spirit, and God willing.

* Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1831.

Call to holiness

Why is holiness or sanctity seen as the purview of religious leaders, priests, monks and nuns? As A. reminded us last Friday, we are ALL called to holiness.

Most people confuse holiness with religiosity and perceive holiness as living according to a strict or extreme moral religious code. Not for regular human beings, and certainly not fun, or fun to be around.

Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all created with a spark of the divine in each of us and Jesus is constantly calling us to connect with Him, whether it be communion through prayer or by calling forth an innate impulse of love and expressing it in the world.

Humans are fundamentally good with the need for truth and beauty engineered into our DNA.

As children we each have a sense of God, a natural sense of the sacred, of awe and wonder, which unfortunately diminishes as we get older.

Part of the reason is due to familiarity - remember the first time you saw a rainbow and measure the levels of awe and excitement you felt that first time with the last time you saw a rainbow (or maybe you didn't even see the rainbow in the sky for you were too busy looking at the road or your iPhone screen).

Part of it is the relentless human need to search for answers and explain away the natural world with science and technology, thereby demystifying the magic of the Creator's artistry.
 
Mostly it is due to a broken and distorted view of the world that comes from human experiences tainted with anger, hate, injustice, prejudice and lies.

A lost sense of the sacred, of what is holy in life, is replaced by fear, cynicism, despair and superstitious beliefs. Also by the pursuit of worldly pleasures that offer an all too fleeting and superficial satiation, leading to addictive/compulsive behaviour.

When I had a very limited and distorted vision of self and God, I believed in a distant, unloving God who punished wrongdoers and I felt I was beyond redemption, riddled with sin and doomed always to failure.

It was only with restored self-worth and a more incisive view of the Trinity that I was able to revive my sense of sacred. To find God in all things and see His hand in my life has given me a renewed sense of wonder.

Like a child I find life fascinating again: There are new discoveries every day. Miracles to behold. Much to be grateful for, to laugh over, every day.

This incites me to want to know more and more about Him, to spend time with Him and get to know Him better, and ultimately, to want to be more like Him.

This is the call to holiness.

Not to be some prudish, sour, Goody Two-Shoes who follows the rules out of fear, but to be someone who recognizes and acknowledges this embedded desire for holiness, for God, and seeks Him out actively.

It's an awesome experience so do say yes.

Loving rules

I love rules! I like how they serve as a guide and a reminder, and how they simplify life and even serve to protect me.

Like how traffic rules minimize road accidents and fatalities; laws promote order, peace and personal safety; and church rules uphold the inviolable dignity of the individual from conception until natural death and champion social justice.   

Sometimes there may be rules I do not understand, but I still defer to the wisdom of those who have elucidated, endorsed or upheld the rules and comply.

However, I continue to question and seek for answers in order to comprehend the spirit behind the rules for I think that following rules blindly is dangerous; like a car wreck just waiting to happen.

Therefore I have a responsibility to cultivate a "faith-seeking understanding" to illuminate my way and bring unity in my relationship with my Creator.

Although the moral teaching of the Church seems rigid and irrelevant at first read, especially in light of casual and capriciously frangible relationships that seem to be the norm, in taking the trouble to understand how each teaching came into existence and why, has allowed me to experience a reality of Catholicism that points me towards a meaningful, joyful and fulfilling existence.

The decision not to be a Buffet or Cafeteria Catholic, one who picks and chooses aspects of the faith to follow, left me with just one option: to embrace my faith fully.

To trust that the members of the Magisterium, the teaching authority of the Church, are as divine inspired as the men who wrote and transcribed all the books in the Bible. And at the same time, to try to make sense of the rules and make them mine. 

Given the tensions of adhering to a code that is at odds with a sexually liberal, relativistic world, it is not a popular option, but the more I stick to it, the more my faith has been repaid, with deeper insight and understanding. Even if it sometimes takes years. 

Obedience is a word most adults associate with children and one which they think they outgrow when a state of independence is attained, forgetting that obedience is a virtue that leads to inner freedom. This is the Christian paradox - and one that I have tested in recent years and found worthy of notice.

Children obey their loving parents out of love for they know their parents have only their best interests at heart. So do I trust in God's love for me (I KNOW He loves me very much) or do I, like Eve, believe the suggestion of the serpent who insinuates that my Father and His love for me are not to be trusted? 

If I love and trust Him, do I love and trust Him in all things, all the time? Does my behaviour reflect my beliefs and attitudes consistently?

My fickleness and forgetfulness let me down at times, so I am glad God never gives up on me.

And when I find rules tedious and unrewarding, I remind myself that at the very crux of every one of my Father's rules is love: an invitation to a culture of life that is rich beyond imagination, a benediction of my unique and inviolable dignity as woman, and an ode to the miracle and glory of creation.

Hortus Inclusus (The Interior Garden by John & Michael Cullen)

Good life

When someone passes away at a ripe old age, people usually say, he/she led a good and fulfilling life, especially if they were financially comfortable and enjoyed the finer things in life.

Auntie F., my Mum's cousin, who passed away last Saturday did live a good life in that respect, but more than that, she was a kind, thoughtful and generous woman who touched the lives of many people.

It is not uncommon to judge how well a person lived by a person's accomplishments, status in life, financial success or the number of places that person visited. I'd like to think a good life is measured by more than just these standards.

Certainly how much pleasure one derives from life is a gauge, but that need not come from material things. A simple life can afford as much pleasure.

I just have to look at my mother as an example of someone who enjoys the ordinariness of her life with quiet relish whether she is pottering around her balcony garden, attending a church sing-along or reading the newspaper back to back.

How joyful one is in life, regardless of circumstance is, to my mind, a better measurement of what constitutes a good life.

This inextinguishable joie de vivre is what my mother and her cousins, Auntie F. included, share and I am blessed to be able to bask in the conviviality of their meetings occasionally to take notes and learn.

More important than how much pleasure one receives is how much pleasure does one give in life? Do we feed the hungry, welcome the stranger, clothe the naked, visit the sick and those in prison?*

I can't say I knew Auntie F. very well but what little I knew of her, I could see that she was someone who had the gift of hospitality and she put it to good use at every opportunity. She was sensitive to people's needs and acted accordingly to provide generously with no thought of return.

God bless you Auntie F. and may you dwell among the upright in eternal life.

As for me, I hope to emulate her joyfulness, kindness and gift of hospitality, and to live a good life every day.

*See parable of the sheep and the goats in Matthew 35:31-46

Need to pray

Last Friday my Woman to Woman Ministry gathered to explore different forms of prayer and the topic this meeting was spiritual journalling and why it is so important if we are intent on deepening our faith walk (we have already covered praise & worship, lectio divina and Ignatian contemplation).

I view journalling as my opportunity to compose spiritual snapshots that I can go back and review, re-living my experiences in a deep and insightful way for they tell me where I have been on my journey, whether consolation, desolation or revelation, and where I might be heading.

God's timing is impeccable for in deciding what passage of Scripture to meditate on for Friday, I chose today's gospel from Luke 18:1-8 where Jesus relates the parable of the persistent widow to teach us of the "need to pray continually and never lose heart".

I have lost heart recently and as Fr. Ron Rolheiser pointed out in his October 10th column, Maturity in Relationships and Prayer*, prayer is "easy only for beginners and for those who are already saints".

For the rest of us who have been journeying for a while now, we are like people in a mature relationship, where the initial blush of love has worn off and disillusionment sets in.

But here is where we must remain faithful to our commitments, our practices and rituals of life and "show up" especially when we don't feel like it.

Here is where prayer truly is an act of faith.

Here is where we must make the choice: to continue believing and praying like the widow (who had three strikes against her being a woman who didn't have rights, a widow who had no advocate to fight for her legal rights and an unjust judge who refused to give her "her just rights") or to let life and people disillusion us to the point where we begin to walk away from God.

The advice given by a Jesuit priest to Fr. Rolheiser's friend was simple and effective: "Just do it! Show up and sit in silent prayer for half an hour a day, even if you feel like you are talking to a wall. It's the only practical advice I can give you."

Just as the widow was persistent, so too was Moses, with the help of Aaron and Hur, in assisting Joshua in his battle against the Amalekites through the powerful prayer of holding the staff of God with upraised arms (Exodus 18:8-13).

I have never been more glad that I have my W2W Ministry, to journey with me, to be my Moses, Aaron or Hur, for keeping faith has been a real battle at times and my sisters keep me from losing too much heart or abandoning the fight altogether.

The Holy Spirit's graces are never far from us, especially if we keep to what we "have been taught and know to be true" by actively witnessing to God's Word (2 Timothy 3:14).

In brief: "Put your hope in God and prayer" (Psalm 42).

* http://www.ronrolheiser.com/

Relationship rich

While at dinner last night, M. announced that Kwa Geok Choo aka Mrs. Lee Kuan Yew passed away in the late afternoon.

Since then there has been much reported about the late Mrs. Lee whom I will always remember as the silent figure, dressed simply in a classic cheong sam, by her husband's side.

By all accounts, she was a brilliant woman who carved out a successful career, while being a devoted wife of a politician, loving mother of three and nurturing grandmother of seven.

Theirs was a love story which spanned over 70 years, commencing in their teens, and like the wife in Proverbs 31, Mrs. Lee was an able and willing help meet, sticking by her husband's side through the turbulent years of nation-building, with no need for public approbation or accolades.

"...She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain."

Marriages like what MM and his wife had are an increasingly rare commodity  for couples nowadays are not as willing to sacrifice as much for their spouse and children. And having made the countless sacrifices, merely looked upon them as a fulfillment of marital vows, nothing more, nothing less. For love does not count the costs of love.

I salute the quiet strength of Mrs. Lee and my heart goes out to MM and his family for their grievous loss. Even though she was not fully present in the last two years due to the effects of stroke, I am sure the heart and soul of MM's family departed when Mrs. Lee drew her last breath.

As a woman, I am keenly aware of the responsibility I wield in all my relationships and while I may never match up to the accomplishments of Mrs. Lee, I am encouraged to realize my unique potential in everything I do. 

This means knowing where my destination lies and not letting myself get sidetracked. Having the perseverance to keep going the distance and the humility to acknowledge milestones and accomplishments without placing much premium on them.

To always ask this question of life when I pray: what does it mean for my head, heart and hands, knowing full well that I am called to know, to love and to serve God through others.

Life has no meaning if love is not present and as it is stated in Gaudium et Spes: Man cannot fully find himself "except through a sincere gift of himself".

Mrs. Lee was a woman who understood this and lived out most generously the gift of self in her relationships.

Rest in peace, Mrs. Lee, and may you continue to inspire Asian women to be women of courage, selflessness and great love.

A good man

Today I attended the funeral service of my friend's husband G. who went home to the Lord two days ago.

I knew him in a limited way but even in that narrow window of time and manner, it was apparent that he was a man of good humour and someone who had accomplished much in his life because he loved much.

Hearing the eulogies of people who knew him in various capacities, it was clear G. was a man well respected and thought of with great affection.

Rudyard Kipling's poem If* was a favourite of his and his brother quoted selected excerpts of this poem that G. loved:

     "If you can meet with triumph and disaster
     And treat those two imposters just the same;"
     "If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
     Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;" 
     "Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
     And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!"

It would seem that G. strove to be the man described by Kipling and was a man who desired to be good above all.

I read somewhere that in the past, people aspired to be good, but today, people aspire to be happy.

It's ironic that despite today's almost manic search for happiness (especially when the perceived key to happiness rests on a special someone), there are more love-hungry and unhappy people around for they forsake responsibility, commitment and compassion in order to find  their bliss, not realizing that happiness lies in being unselfish and giving.

True loving is not motivated by any gain or fear and is, in its very act, its own reward, yielding its own quiet felicity.

People like G. and his wife A. (who has been a generous and loving friend to me) inspire me with their innate goodness, generosity and courageous zest for life. I use the word courageous for A. and G. were a couple who never let adversity dampen their spirits. A. is still the face of stoic equanimity despite a difficult time with health, and now G.'s passing.

Life indeed is fleeting and I am reminded to fill "sixty seconds’ worth of distance run" in every "unforgiving minute".

Rest well G. May the fruit of your labour continue to multiply in the many lives you touched.

* http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/Rudyard_Kipling/kipling_if.htm

Beyond skin deep

I thank God for the gift of JPII and for his magnum opus Theology of the Body.

I thank God for committed men and women who do their utmost to spread the late Pope's wisdom to the masses, breathing life into a message that is so relevant for today's teenager who lives in confusing times.

It was a privilege to listen to Brian Butler last Saturday and understand how Theology of the Body for Teens Discovering God's Plan for Love and Life, a book he co-authored, addresses the needs and wants of young people today in a captivating and ingenious manner.

TOB is all about sex, but it is not sex education. TOB celebrates basic truths about our sexuality, male and female, and offers guidelines to each of us on how to make the most of our lives rooted in our sexual identities as men and women.

It's a premise for finding love and happiness while upholding some of the moral teachings of the Catholic Church.

The teachings on chastity (no premarital sex and chastity within marriage) and contraception (other than natural family planning, contraceptives cannot to be used to prevent conception) are both hard pills to swallow.

Like many, I used to think that this was the Church's way of circumscribing freedom, most unreasonable and ridiculously archaic in the modern world, having not been taught the spirit behind the teachings.

Like many, I left the Church and went my own way for years because I could not reconcile myself to the moral teachings, having bought into the world's ideas on freedom, that is to only do what is pleasing, and not necessarily beneficial, to me, myself and I, not truly understanding the nature of love as a gift.

John Paul II's TOB offers a deeper understanding of the moral teachings on chastity, the sacrament of marriage and celibacy that is more than palatable for it seeks to "untwist" our egocentric ideas on love and encourages us celebrate the "spousal meaning" of our bodies.

In understanding what and who I was created for, where I come from and who I am, as a woman, an embodied soul, I am able to see the sense, beauty and goodness in the Church's moral teachings and embrace the teachings, even though that embrace is not an easy one all the time.

As they say, nothing good comes easy. But, it definitely is more rewarding.

What I mean by this is I used to be motivated out of fear and a legalistic understanding of sin, thus I used to feel oppressed by the weight of the laws/moral teachings.

I would constantly fail as my heart was not in keeping the law and I even told myself I would accept going to hell because of my sins, not realizing I was already experiencing hell as my life was devoid of God and His love and, I was unhappy.

When I first experienced Christ's unconditional, affirming and extremely tender love for me, I was awed and could not help but love Him back. Out of love for Him, I only wanted to please Him, to give back a measure of what I have received.

He is the lover of my dreams, much like the bridegroom in Song of Songs. "I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me."

In this living, spousal relationship with Jesus, my restless heart rests in Him"* and I am no longer held captive by the law for I seek to do what is good purely out of love. I am liberated and empowered by this love.

With the law written into my heart (Jer 31:33), I no longer feel burdened, even when temptation strikes for I stand firm in my identity as a woman who is loved greatly and I will not jeopardize that love for all the tea in China, India and Japan put together.

BB said something I really liked and I think applies to every relationship we have in life and not just BGRs:

If in a relationship, we do not desire what is good for the other, but can only desire what is good for us, then we may want to consider ending that relationship, even if marriage was on the cards. Using others for our own gratification is not love.

Love, life, there are no easy answers, but God sends us prophets every day to help us, while I am doubly blessed to have, as well, the wisdom of the Bible, Church Tradition (and Moral Teaching) and the Sacraments.

To anchor me safely in my skin and keep me pure of heart.  

* A reference from St. Augustine's Confessions:
http://www.catholicradiodramas.com/Saints_Works_Augustine/augustine_our_heart_is_restless_until_it_rests_in_you.htm

Without delay

On a recent episode of Criminal Minds, I heard a quote which is pertinent to my current state of mind.

It's by British historian C. Northcote Parkinson (who incidentally lived and worked in Singapore for a period of his life): Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

I have been reflecting about gifts lately; and how I use those given to me. Yes, I do exercise my gifts daily, but there are a few key instances in which they lie dormant for I haven't mustered the courage to act and therefore open myself to the possibility that my gifts will be rejected, or worse, disdained.

My fears and my pride hold me back. Fear of falling, failing, being laughed at or dismissed.

I am unable to advance out of the comfort zone of my fears, despite knowing what I must do. I find myself going in circles although I can see where I should be walking.

Intellectually I know that fear will always be present, but if I am committed to saying yes to Him in all things, then there can be no room for a fear-induced paralysis.

And yet, I am at a psycho-spiritual impasse. Part of the problem stems from my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and my brokenness. The tedium of having to work through these long identified issues that are the bêtes noires of my existence fills me with ennui. Fortitude has never been my strong suit.

The other struggle I have is with my own physical limitations as I age and how I should nurture the gift of my body such that I will have sufficient energy and health to carry me through the course that I wish to chart in my remaining years. My recent surgery has really brought home to me that I must take better care of my body if I wish to be His hands and feet in this world.

It was only the realization that I am in denial, courtesy of the Parkinson quote, that I have trying, with renewed effort, to focus on doing the "right" things without further delay, of which prayer and an attention to physical well-being are huge components.

(I desperately do not want to wander in the desert of denial any more.)

As John Paul II exhorted 10 years ago: Duc in altum! Put out into the deep!

If I want deep returns in my spiritual growth, then I must cast out into deep waters, regardless of fears.

A chance remark to B., advice on what she needs to do, and I have put into motion a plan to do something I have been desiring but put off invariably for some time. My first silent retreat. Whether or not B. can join me, I am resolved to go.

I have begun to prepare my mind and heart for this special first time experience and am looking forward to mid-October with great eagerness.

Time has become an even more precious commodity as I reside firmly in mid-life. I am in a season of physical degeneration, where memory has begun to fail, eye-sight has worsened and muscles ache more. My energy level and metabolic rate are not what they were so I must prioritize wisely and make every second count for more.

The only way I can do that is to expand it in the stillness of contemplation and conflate it in Divine-led action. And, no more delays, as far as possible.