Birthday gratitude

I will get to celebrate another birthday tomorrow and I look forward to my usual birthday treat of freshly shucked oysters, this time in Sydney. Thanks to P, we are on our first overseas trip since the coronavirus wreaked havoc these last couple of years. It’s been lovely walking around in the sunny and crisp cold of winter, revisiting places we enjoy and visiting new places. I am grateful for all the blessings we have experienced, the beautiful weather, good food and the friendly people we’ve met.

Reflecting on these last months I have to say my biggest learning lesson has to be the invitation to be open to whatever comes, not to be dismayed at unplanned for changes but to move in the flow of events as graciously as I can (I have to admit that can pose a great challenge to me at times as I can cling on to what I want quite stubbornly). I have also learnt to appreciate God’s timing and to allow myself to be open to His promptings and act on them. 

Being able to see things from a more mature and faith-filled perspective has helped me accept unwanted outcomes more readily and to see how I can act in new situations in a way that would do my heavenly Father proud. As a priest commented just this week in his homily, faith gives us vision so that even when tragedy occurs we can better deal with it for we know this is not the be all and end all of things.

Nothing brings this lesson home so much as the scant past weeks where instead of visiting a sick friend, A, and spending time with her, I got to instead attend her wake and funeral. While I am saddened I couldn’t break bread and laugh with her one final time, I am also glad she didn’t suffer more than necessary for I have seen too many times how excruciating the slow descent into death by cancer can be and I am happy she was comfortable and slipped away quickly. I felt privileged just to be there to send her off with a confident prayer that she was with God. A joyous thing indeed. I also got to see the younger A through the eyes of her friends, and to witness how beloved she was by family and her kampung. 

Life will always be filled with surprises, even unpleasant shocks, but the constant decision to surrender to God and to let Him lead, especially in unsought for and undesirable circumstances has helped me tremendously all these months. I can even see the little miracles in what may seem like disasters, and how the Lord has placed His protective hand on me and those whom I love. And I can be grateful for His mercies, both big and small. My biggest takeaway this past year, as in previous years is to pray unceasingly, with every breath, if possible. Prayer is the discipline that enables sharpened vision, effects miracles and spawns gratitude and inner peace. Prayer is the only way I can tell Jesus how much I truly love Him and to let Him increase in me. Prayer is what makes possible all things. 

Thank you, Lord, for your constant guidance and protection in these past 12 months, for all the love you have showered on me through P and all who love me. Thank you for this amazing journey of life, with you waking by my side. I continue to humbly seek the ability to see your face and hear your voice every day. 

Thank you for giving me life, my life. So blessed. 

Happy birthday

Thinking of you today

Sad I cannot greet you face to face, hug you

Yet I am glad you are there with the Father

Advocating for me, guiding me still

Through your uncompromising zeal for the Lord

Your undivided love for Jesus

Your unrelenting heart of compassion for others 

While the pain of missing you has eased

You are and always will be ached for

In innumerable ways. Still

Blessed to have known you and loved you. 

A goodbye song

Looking back on days past

I realize how precious those times were

Especially now you are gone

Slipped away just this morning 

Silently. Peacefully. 

On a Sunday celebrating the Holy Trinity

Fitting really.

I didn’t think to mark it then

The days we lived with carefree spirits

Laughter mingled with the solemn focus

Of bringing the joy of Baby Jesus

Through song, prayer and a hamper full of goodies

To those who needed hope, love 

And the knowledge that they were not forgotten.

Thank you for helping me worship Him more dearly,

Thank you for your warm hospitality in Rome and Melaka.

Your perfectly timed levity, your infectious joy.

I shall miss you dearest A, more than you’ll ever know

Wish E happy birthday for me tomorrow!

Heaven is where my heart is

Now that you two are in residence there.

Pray for us who are left straggling behind. 

Celebrating new ways

All I knew when I began my Lenten journey this year was that I wished to draw closer to the Lord in a new way. It would seem that that was precisely what happened – although not quite in the way I envisioned it.

P got dengue a week into Lent, had a fall in the shower and ended up being hospitalized for four days. It was one of the most terrifying moments in my life when he fell, for, at that moment, I had no idea how badly he had hurt himself. Plus the day he fell ill, we were initially unsure if it was COVID or not, although I instinctively knew it wasn’t and opted to share the room with him the first night. Watching him suffer quite badly over the initial period of 10 days and the subsequent slow period of convalescing was hard. I felt helpless and useless. I even prayed to God to take some of his pain away and give it to me, I was happy to bear it for him.

Then the grandchildren fell victim to gastroenteritis and one had to be hospitalized for almost an entire day. I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride that didn’t seem to end. And yet, I couldn’t really allow myself to fall apart for I had many errands to run, clients to teach, and Lenten duties to perform.

My disciplines of prayer and walking were what got me through the Lenten season. In all that time, I could only trust that the protection and mercy of God had not abandoned my family, and that we would all get through it. Praying the Stations of the Cross daily made the Passion so real for me and I could feel myself living parts of it, journeying with the Lord on the way to Calvary.  

Jesus sent angels my way to impart wisdom and actual help: E gave me something to help boost P’s energy, S told me about papaya leaf extract to boost platelet count levels, D gave me probiotics for the grandkids to help them beat the stomach bug, and my close friends and community brothers and sisters offered prayer up for healing. S offered help any time, should I need it. B took me for a walk and fed me dinner which made me feel loved – it was nice that someone else was taking care of me instead of me taking care of everyone and everything. I could really feel Jesus loving me providentially through friends and family.      

The latter part of Lent was spent just trying to recover from my physical exhaustion and ensuring P got stronger and better every day. We actually spent Holy Week on a staycation and it was lovely to celebrate 64 months of marriage with some R & R. I felt we really met Jesus during that week as we began walking each day in the darkness of pre-dawn, only to see how light lit up the dawn sky and the sun rising up from the horizon. The majesty and awesomeness of the Creator sang out to me through the beauty that enveloped me. It made me realize how present He was in our lives, in every moment, and it is always a question of whether I see Him or not, of whether I choose to see Him or not.   

Although I bemoaned the lack of opportunity and my inability to quieten down and be more contemplative this Lent, and I felt guilty that I couldn’t really fast this Lent for I got hypoglycemic due to my state of physical exhaustion, I did get to experience Jesus in a different way. I learnt to trust in Him and hope in Him in new ways, and I was given ample opportunity to love in very real and practical ways. I am grateful for all the moments this Lent when I felt His presence, during Mass, in my solitary walks, and most of all in the people He has placed in my life.

The joy of the alleluias I sang at the Easter Vigil Mass was transformational. This promise of eternal life that comes from Jesus choosing to save me via the Cross inspires me to love others as He loves them.

He is alive in the love P and I feel for each other, in our marital vows that He blesses with such incredible divine graces. He is triumphant in the love between me and  my mother, and in my family. He reigns in the love found in my friendships with those He has placed in my life, and especially my community brothers and sisters.

I look forward to the songs of Easter, to singing new ways of love, dancing new ways of joy, for great is His faithfulness.  Alleluia! 

Remembering

 

That last morning we met

Sitting together in church

Our last greeting of peace

Side hy side we gave thanks

For His love in our lives and

The gifts we were to each other

Through the years of kinship

Kindred spirits, most beloved

You are still missed beyond words

Six years on it still rains in my heart

Salty sweet, bittersweet memories

It will never get easier

As it should be - our love

You, should never be forgotten.

Valentine affirming

I recently came across a quote by Khalil Gibran that resonated so strongly with me for it held such truth in it:

Between what is said and not meant, 

and meant and not said, 

most of love is lost.

That’s so me. I often utter churlish, petty comments to my better half that I don’t mean. I don’t mean to hurt, denigrate, dismiss, criticize or irritate with my words, and yet, I do. The deep feelings of love he evokes in me, the gratitude and joy I feel, I keep inside for I don’t quite know how to verbalize them. Shy, lah, as we say in SG speak. Somehow I am also afraid that by saying them, they may not be received in the tender spirit they are given, or the words once out are somehow adulterated and sullied by imperfect communication. 

Plus both P and I are pretty much cut from the same cloth as in we prefer to let our actions do the talking. I often get embarrassed when I receive words of affirmation from people who love me, thinking often to myself, they are just saying it to make me feel good and I don’t think that’s accurate or true about me. I guess this is a throwback to how I was brought up where the only words I received about what others thought of me were often negative ones. Any hint of encouragement or love could only be found in letters and those words were rare and far between. 

Now I feel quite differently for the many words of affirmation I received from my late cousin E I keep in my heart and they are most precious to me. I knew she spoke them from a place of love that was objective, and they were, and still are, life-giving to me. They have helped me see myself as God sees me, and this true reflection of who I am was instrumental in giving me a healthy sense of self and self-worth.  In a way, the Father was expressing His words of love and affirmation through her to me. 

I see this gift of affirmation that E had in spades as something I need to work on myself, especially in my marriage for P means the world to me. I love him with a love that is rich, full of flavour, precious, filled very much with the agape love of Christ. I desire only the good, the better of him and I would do anything within my power to effect that. Yet often I fall short when it comes to actually embodying my love, especially in the spoken word. 

Therefore this Valentine’s Day I made the effort to give him flowers (from my garden but very beautiful nonetheless) and a card that expressed how I felt about him. And he planted a tender kiss on my forehead last night that spoke volumes to me and made my heart melt. We dined at home, I helped feed the grandchildren, affirming them for their good behaviour, and we went for a walk after dinner. It was a simple day filed with work and mundane activities. There were no roses, no fancy dinner, but it was a fancy day when it came to love. May each day be lived with as much affirming love as it was yesterday.  

10K step obsession

Just six days before last Christmas, P and I embarked on our bid to get fit and healthy. P had just undergone his medical check-up and the doctor's recommendation was a change in lifestyle to ensure optimum health in the long run. Apart from less sodium, carb and animal protein (fish was the approved protein), exercise was touted. Thus we began walking again.

My exercise regime has been patchy in recent years and it hit an all-time low thanks to COVID. For fear of getting the coronavirus, I just stayed home and only went out on necessary errands. When I taught Pilates, I mainly exercised my vocal cords. I transformed into a major slug. My body bit back in a big way last December. Aches and pain of a wide variety and magnitude plagued me. I also had poor sleep, low moods, extra weight, fatigue... I had it all. The last straw was when my hips began to hurt and I knew this severely sedentary lifestyle was no longer sustainable.  

P's inspiration to get moving was timely for me, I needed that big push to get out of my black hole of physical inactivity. It has taken just over a month of regular walking, stretching and Pilates to get to what I would term as a barely fit level, where I am actually enjoying walking (no protesting twinges of pain in each step).

I am quite appalled at how deconditioned my body had become. The fight to get to where I am today has been painful, unpleasant and extremely challenging. I have had to force myself to go out there and walk even when my legs and feet were screaming stop and I needed multiple visits to the physio for some pretty excruciating muscle release work. It helps when one has a workout partner who is quite obsessive about walking, so thank you, P, for literally pushing me along. (P very sweetly pushes me up with his hand on my back when we hit slopes.) 

Seeing how P and his siblings were doing all their annual medical check-ups, I decided to follow suit. The good news is I am in fairly good health, just need to watch my cholesterol levels. The not so good news was the bone density scan which revealed low bone density - no surprises there seeing as I am genetically pre-disposed from both my parents. 

My whole point in posting this is when one comes to a certain age, 40 is a nice health defining number especially for women who are usually peri-menopausal (brace yourselves for the whole slew of possible issues here, sisters), it is vital to do annual medical check-ups, self-monitor undesired changes in one's body, watch one's diet and exercise. There are no two ways about it. Educate yourself on what's happening in your body and what you can do to alleviate symptoms, then do it regularly. Do not allow yourself to come to a point where you need to pop pills to control a chronic disease. There is always a better way and it involves discipline early on. 

Watching one's weight has nothing to do with vanity, but it has everything to do with good health, both physically and mentally, even spiritually. If you pride yourself on being the temple of God, surely the temple should present itself as a pristine picture of health both interiorly and exteriorly; spiritually, emotionally and physically? 

My SD just reminded me yesterday that as a woman I needed to be pretty and still have passion in and for life. I agree with him wholeheartedly. I need to be a fitting bride to my Bridegroom, one who takes care to be beautiful inside and out, a woman who attracts and brings others to Him. How can I attend to others successfully when my energy levels are low and I am in pain? How can I even attempt to cultivate virtues of wisdom, determination, gentleness, generosity, patience and peace when I am grouchy, slightly depressed and dull-witted from lack of rest? 

Loving the Lord is not merely a spiritual matter for we are both body and spirit. We need our bodies to be in good working order so that we can accomplish what He asks of us, walking where He sends us, and working indefatigably with good cheer. 

I have become quite obsessed with walking my 10,000 steps every day, and I have to say I do feel much better for it, even virtuous when I start my day with a walk. I do my intercessory prayer as I walk and I am given many moments in my walk to thank God for all the beauty of nature that surrounds me. I feel more spiritually centred after my walk and I feel good - strong and calm - in my body, mentally ready to take on whatever comes my way in the busy day.    

As disciples of Christ, we are meant to be on the move, as can be seen from how the disciples followed Jesus from place to place in His public ministry years. Move toward Him and keep up with Him by walking with Him in a healthy and fit body. It isn't always easy to be motivated, but I do highly recommend it. 

For Adela and Bev

Two little girls sitting side by side

Solemnly contemplating the world

What does the future hold? 

Now one is gone and one remains

Yet the bond of sisterhood still binds

A bond stronger than death

Lasting longer than Time

Love never fades but transcends

Swirling softly within the Father’s hands

Pure joy lighter than a cloud, or a sigh

It is but a short walk to Eternity 

Where they will sit side by side again.

Till then the one who’s gone will smile

Blessings upon the sister she loves 

And the one who remains will weep

Tears of gratitude mingled with grief. 

Crossing into 2022

On the last day of 2021, a friend texted me that she was seriously ill. Just a few days before that, I had attended a funeral service of P’s aunt. So I ended the year on a slightly sad note, yet at the same time, heartened by the faith I see in those who are grieving or in emotional disarray. 

While on a recent walk with M in the Botanic Gardens, whom I had not seen in two years, we spotted a most amazing sight, this thorny bush had mauve and white blossoms  on two of its brown tips. We were delighted by our find. 

This plant pretty much sums up 2021 for me. The year may have seemed pretty barren and full of thorns with the pandemic raging its way around the world in wave after wave; a relentless onslaught of sickness and death, yet it is up to me to be able to see beauty in life, and to perhaps contribute to creating life and light where it seems darkest night, to channel beauty.  

God never gives up on loving us, His children, and we should never give up on loving, first ourselves as He loves us, then loving others as He loves them.

So 2021 has been a year where I have slowly begun a regime of self-care to ensure I am not diminished by physical aches and pains that prevent me from doing what I would like to do. I have reached out and connected with friends whom I have neglected to communicate with in a long while and it has been fun rediscovering friendships. 

I feel that one of my most powerful ways of loving others last year was to pray for them. Precisely because I could not physically be with them or help them in concrete ways, I offered up their intentions in prayer. I also engaged in praying daily for departed loved ones, and especially for holy souls in purgatory, something P has taught me to do.   

Two things I did for mental and spiritual food was to begin two courses in the last quarter of the year concurrently. Journeying with people around the world trying to demystify and apply the nuggets we find in Saint John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility has been life-giving for me. I hope to continue applying what I am learning to enrich my life and the lives of those around me. 

Having recently finished the book of Tobit, what struck me as great advice is something he imparted to his descendants  in chapter 14, verse 9:

Now, my children, I give you this command: serve God sincerely and do what is pleasing in his sight; you must instruct your children to do what is right and to give alms, to be mindful of God and at all times to bless his name sincerely and with all their strength. 

May 2022 be a meaningful year for me, and you, where we do as He says, blessing His name and singing His praises always. 

Silent revelations

I I find that the COVID-19 pandemic as turned me into a bit of a hermit. I shun most social activities and I rarely go out, save for necessary activities like dropping the grandkids off at school, teaching or grocery shopping (early morning forays to avoid the crowds). So 2021 has been a social washout for just as I was starting to poke my head out of my shell, along comes Omicron.

I do feel bad that I have been a ghost in my community and a phantom friend to my friends, but I do it for two reasons, one is my 88 year old mother and the other is my grandkids who are under five years old. I know I will eventually get COVID, but I would rather it be later than sooner for I don’t want to be the source of infection in my family; and if I were, then I would wish that my mother would have been sufficiently “boostered” not to suffer too greatly if she got it, and likewise, the grandkids were vaccinated so that their disease would be mild and they would not get long COVID which has life-long damaging health consequences.  

At my community Christmas gathering which I Zoomed in for, we had a time for reflection on what would be areas of distraction that prevented me from being close to the Christ child and what was God’s invitation to me? 

I have to admit to COVID anxiety which puts me on edge and keeps me from being a more patient and understanding person. I am decidedly crabby to those around me. One of the other identified distractions is the sense of failure that being invisible to community and friends has given me. I feel guilt which is not helpful at all for it stops me from trying harder to connect with people. I have already failed so why bother? 

Sometimes I feel like a prisoner of my fears, recognizing, at the same time that some of them are unfounded. Yet I still choose to be overly cautious for sorry in this instance would be the possible loss of people who matter most to me. So what is the Christ child inviting me to do in the dark stables where He lays? How can I live fully where I find myself situated?

The invitation is to silence the fears and anxieties by learning to live with them, without allowing them to overwhelm me. I also need to break the silence and express myself in creative ways: to let others know that I do think of them and daily pray for them. It is hope I carry into the new year, the hope that the birth of Jesus brings. He is the light in the darkness and I, too, can shine His light into the darkness of others. But first, I need to find His light, His holiness in the silent nights of my heart then go forth with it with holy peace and joy.

Coz

Loving you has been my blessing

An extraordinary gift from God to me.

So letting you go is all not so easy to do

You may not be here physically- it’s been a year

Yet in my consciousness you reside

Those last days a suffocating weight

Infused forever with salty sorrow and bitter pain.

I miss you the size of Mauna Loa

Even through the joys and laughter every day

Not many will know the loss your death has dealt

You, my secret keeper and spiritual cheerleader

So what is Jesus saying to me in all this?

What lessons must I apply as I journey on?

There are days I fear I lack your wisdom

Unsure of myself, transmuted by grief

Silly, I know, for His light will always guide me

And you are simply a thought away

Still dispensing imaginary but great advice

I thank Him you were present from the beginning

And I am glad I could be there for you at the end.

Good grief

I dreamt of E last night and in it she was dying and in the last few weeks of her life, which is about where we are this time last year. I think of E every day and I miss her, but these last few weeks have been especially difficult. I find myself crying at random moments, like when the car is idling at the stop light. Edna St. Vincent Millay’s poem Time does not bring relief; you all have lied resonates so strongly with me for my grief is as fresh and strong as it was when she left.

Life goes on for it has to, but the loss of a loved one marks you for life. The grief is real, the grief is intense and it will never be over. I will never get over this loss until the day I die, and I don’t want to, for I loved her too deeply to ever hope to forget her. She was so much more than a cousin to me and I still question God why she had to leave so soon for she had so much more life to live.

Sure, I know that she is probably doing more good now in heaven, that she is ministering to more people in countless ways. Sure, I know we will be reunited eventually and we are actually reunited at every mass I celebrate, but it’s not the same. I want to hear her voice, see her smile, enjoy eating a meal together with her. I MISS HER. There is a huge void in my life that can never be filled.

So what do I do with all my grief? Mostly I keep it buried deep inside, and I keep it under tight control. I don’t allow myself to fall into depression for I know she wouldn’t have wanted that. In mourning my loss, I try to honour who she was by living out my faith as completely and radically as she did hers. I know she would have liked that for she has always pointed me to Jesus, the great love of her life.

As for the sadness, and all the tears shed and unshed, I offer it all up to Jesus, to somehow make it count and make my life more meaningful. Oddly it works. I am more grateful for my relationships, the many people whom I love. Knowing that time is finite I strive to be more loving and forgiving. And when I don’t feel charitable at all, I can hear E’s quiet voice coaxing me to be less judgmental and critical, to be a better version of me. Just as I lost her, I can lose others I love as easily. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Beyond my self-pity I do thank the Almighty for the wonderful treasure E has been to me and still is. Yes, she is gone, but she is not forgotten, and in remembering her and what she stands for, I am strengthened to continue to walk with faith and integrity, with joy, hope and love in my heart.  

In remembrance of lemon tea days

Today is the first anniversary of the death of W. He has been on my mind these last couple of weeks for I remember his last weeks quite clearly. The slow deterioration from eating to not eating, drinking to not drinking, sliding in and out of consciousness to an eventual coma, and to slipping away on one final breath. 

Dying is a grim business, a slow wait filled with discomfort and pain, fear and anxiety, mostly lying alone in bed with one’s depressed thoughts for company. For W, he also found himself dying in a strange land with no family around, although he had a few good friends and clients who became friends. 

W moved to Singapore from Japan to work in the 1980s. He did well in the initial years until the Asian financial crisis and an ensuing series of unfortunate incidents through the years that led to him not even having a place to stay mere months after the COVID-19 pandemic wreaked economic havoc worldwide. Just when things couldn’t get worse, he discovered he had terminal cancer. Two months after his diagnosis, he died. 

What I marvel most in reviewing those days is how he accepted the Lord and asked to be baptized just three days before he died. W had experienced the love of Christ through many Christians in the last 10 months of his life and he was not able to fathom the reason for it. Yet he still baulked at baptism mainly because he desired his place of rest to be in his hometown. together with all his deceased family members. He thought that becoming Christian would prevent that from happening. He was finally convinced that fateful Sunday morning to take the plunge.

I thank God for His impeccable timing, as always, and for allowing me the opportunity to get to know W. Although he was prone to making mistakes in his latter working days, I will always remember him for his graciousness, humility and integrity. Despite straitened circumstances he was never tempted to increase the amount of commission to benefit himself. He believed in delivering the best service to his customers and he strove to do that with honesty and gentle sincerity. Thank you W-san for all that you were. I miss our conversations about pearls, music and food. You are fondly remembered and missed, especially today. Mata ne. 

Perfecting boundaries

 J loves this library book called The Perfect Picnic by Clara Flood and it has been read and borrowed again multiple times. It’s about a squirrel and a mole who are neighbours and the best of friends, and who do everything together. 

Squirrel wanted to go on a picnic one day and Mole agreed. Even though Mole preferred his sandwiches buttered he gave in amiably to Squirrel’s idea of perfect picnic food which included unbuttered sandwiches. 

With Mole carrying the loaded picnic bag pack, they set out to find the perfect picnic spot. Unfortunately the bottom of the bag was ripped opened by brambles at the start of their journey and as they trekked around, mostly in a circle, seeking the perfect spot, they unknowingly lose one item at a time.  

Every place they go to Squirrel finds fault with it: too sunny, too shady, too gusty, too busy… Eventually they end up in the meadow, the first place they had found but was earlier deemed too sunny by Squirrel who now declares it perfect, only to find they have lost every item in the bag. 

Squirrel reacts with great dismay. Her picnic is ruined. She and Mole are next greeted by a stream of animals who had found a dropped item each and had come to return it, albeit in less than pristine condition, and in the case of the crackers, most of it consumed. 

Squirrel is still inconsolable while the animals set about trying to make things right: heating up the cold tea, mending the chipped plates, cutting the smashed cake into slices and brushing sand off the sandwiches. Finally they all sit down together and end up having a wonderful time. The story ends with Squirrel saying yes to another picnic, but this time, with buttered sandwiches as suggested by Mole. 

I love this story as much as J for it holds so many truths about human behaviour; about love, friendship, the kindness of strangers and what perfection actually is. 

I find as I grow older, I tend to be like Squirrel. I know exactly what I want and I put in effort to have it just so. When perfection doesn’t happen I get bent out of shape which makes me irritable and difficult. I often throw compassion and empathy out the window in my quest for perfection and especially when I don’t get it. It takes me great effort to see what’s happening and to respond in a more mature fashion so that I can be a joy (which I truly want) than to be a pain (which I often am). 

In rereading the book on Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, my personal takeaway this time is how important it is to constantly examine and adjust my internal boundaries in order to establish healthy external ones. 

It’s therefore important to know who I am, what I stand for, and the person I truly want to be before I begin to interact with people around me, especially my loved ones. The recipe to successful boundary-making which Cloud and Townsend encourage involves values and calls to action we find richly scattered in the Bible such as: accountability, responsibility, mutual respect, the frequent practice of forgiveness, clarifying inner motivations, responding intentionally rather than reacting impulsively, and, most importantly, making the decision to love in the freedom of God’s truth and love as a beloved child of God.  

We may not be able to fix all things, and it may take plenty of time, patience and effort, but boundaries are worth building for they allow us to be good, committed Christians. 

Through her research Brene Brown found a high correlation between boundaries and compassion. She talks about how boundaries are the key to self-love and to treating others with love and kindness, and how empathy, which is compassion lived out in concrete ways, is not finite. “If you’ve done your work and set your boundaries you can tread that water forever.”

Part of the work involves a generosity of spirit to assume that people are doing the best they can - all the time. This helps us make our own lives better for the first life we change is our own, we change how we look at things and deal with issues. So the BIG question to keep asking ourselves Brown recommends is: what boundaries need to be in place for me to keep my integrity and yet make the most generous assumptions about you.  

Building boundaries is no easy task, but it is very necessary to ensure we remain generous, compassionate and loving people without suffering from resentment or burnout. It requires guts and wisdom: to know when to speak up and when to remain silent. So cultivate a great relationship with the Holy Spirit in order to know when, where, and how to behave with gutsy integrity that will not only glorify the Father, but allow you to live with inner peace.

Like Mole, I need to love the squirrels in my life for who they are and yet be able to gently and judiciously establish boundaries in order to ensure a healthy balance in relationship with them. 

Like Squirrel, I need to enjoy the journey more rather than allow the idea of perfection dictate my actions, also to recognize when I have overstepped my boundaries, and to ultimately enjoy the serendipity of life’s many and unexpected surprises.  

Departures

While July has been a month of many celebrations with birthdays galore, including my own (thanks to everyone who showed love through well wishes, lunches and awesome gifts such as a newly planted milo* tree in the Laie forest with my name on it), it has also been a season of sunset upsets. 

 There have been ailing, elderly relatives, and friends of my parents who over the course of these last two weeks have passed on. There are also relatives of friends who have succumbed to the virulent Delta variant of the COVID-19. 

 The safe distancing measures and travel restrictions in place mean that we can no longer hop on a plane to go see someone we love face to face one last time and say goodbye properly. It is immensely frustrating for phone calls and texts don’t quite cut it for me. I want to be able to hold someone’s hand, and kiss and hug them good-bye, but that is really just me. 

 At the back of my mind I know that the most precious gift I can give someone I cannot see is prayer: that they don’t suffer too much; for inner peace and courage, even joy during this difficult time. 

I pray that their illness or dying can still be seasons of grace with Jesus walking by their side. 

 I pray for both the dying and the living, for those who will be left behind. 

I pray for the miracle of healing in whichever form the Lord chooses to dispense. 

I pray for reconciliation. And I continue to pray for those who have returned to the Lord, and for those who are left grieving. 

Godspeed dear Uncle F, Auntie S, and just this evening, Uncle H. May Jesus walk you into Paradise where you will all enjoy eternal rest which, I am sure, involves having a good time.  

 * Thespesia populnea, more commonly known as a Pacific rosewood, portia or Indian tulip tree.

A father’s blessing

P and I just finished an online retreat yesterday run by the Montfort Centre called Paternal Heart which we decided to attend this year being the Year of Saint Joseph as declared by Pope Francis. It was an affirming time with the Father, not just God the Father, but also Saint Joseph, and my earthly father.  I would recommend this to anyone who is seeking to know more about the heart of the Father. It was truly a time of great blessing. 

And today being Father’s Day, I dedicate one of my retreat reflections to my father who is now in heaven with our Father.  

Thank you, Daddy, for loving me

In your special, broken way

Without your tough love I wouldn’t be

Who I am today, strong and fearless 

In love with the Father, Son and Spirit.

Yearning always to do what is right and good

In your eyes as reflected in His eyes. 

Thank you, Abba, for loving me

Through this gift of my father

His deep faith in you grew mine

A fruit of epic abundance.

We are blessed by your chesed*

Your breath of life that gave us both the space 

To run free into your waiting arms.

* Hebrew for loving kindness between people and God and vice versa.

Aloha nui loa

Remembering you this bright, sunny day

Sad relief mixed in with much gratitude 

At how your life was such a testament 

To Jesus and the way He loves so concretely;

How you made my life just that much lovelier 

The clarity you brought me with your loving wisdom.

Miss you dearest coz and wish you were here

Yet glad that you are with your Beloved now

And praying for all of us who need it.

Look forward to when I will see you again

Till then aloha nui loa*.

* Hawaiian for much love or all my love.

Father, Son and Spirit power

We just celebrated the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity, a feast day in praise of the gifts of God who is the Lover; the Son, Jesus, who is the Beloved; and the Holy Spirit who is Love. I like how Father Johan put it, the Spirit who is the personification of every act of love. I needn’t be so smug at every act of love performed successfully, it is the Holy Spirit working in me.

Pope Francis tweeted this: The Holy Spirit impels us to love not only those who love us and think as we do, but to love everyone, even as Jesus taught us. He enables us to forgive our enemies and the wrongs we have endured. He inspires us to be active and creative in love. 

This is the crux of Christian love, it is not just the acts of love that are easy to perform, for people whom we love and who love us in return, those are the low hanging fruit that pose no challenge spiritually. 

We are called to love as Jesus encouraged us to do and actually did: He forgave those who maliciously hurt Him in every way imaginable before putting Him to death. It is all not so easy to put into action. 

Inside of me is this internal voice that never keeps silent when I feel aggrieved, unhappy or dissatisfied with something or someone. It tells me how I should feel, what I should say, how I should react self-righteously and sometimes I do let it dictate my actions, but often to my regret for it is usually not the most loving thing to say or do. I often end up acting like a child with no impulse control. 

The better way, the hard way, is to take a moment in my rage and make the mature decision to die to self. This means disarming that inner voice and giving the Holy Spirit space to operate freely. The inspiration to act in love will come (pray, pray, pray away the anger and hurt). 

When I allow the Spirit to talk to me and He tells me what I should do, which I may do quite unwillingly, still disgruntled and outraged at the injustice done to me, I give the Spirit authority, power to stretch me out of egoistic self to always do the right thing. 

This is where the magic happens. What I say and do with the Holy Spirit acting in me often surprises me for I didn’t know I had that kind of love living within me. And, somehow, that act of love teased out of me changes me for the better. I feel good about myself, very empowered, plus friction was averted, it’s a total win-win situation. 

This is sanctification, the Spirit inspired goodness that I receive and give to the other who ‘wronged’ me. It is a love that is inclusive, that allows me to forgive the other and seek for ways to mend the breach, real or imagined. 

It is alive and full of creativity, it shows me the many ways I can act in love and turn any situation around. I won’t always succeed, and it could take a while, but I should never give up in trying to live out this love of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit which already resides within me. I just need to let it out more and more. And when I do, I resemble my Creator most, in image and likeness. 

May the Father, Son and Spirit be with you today.