Building houses

When I first arrived in Phnom Penh last Wednesday, it was sunset and I saw something I had never seen before, an iridescent cloud, glowing in a crazy mix of nacreous colours.

It was a surreal experience for people were piling into mini-vans or waiting to get out of the airport while I alone stood stock-still, drinking in the beauty of the fast-morphing and fading colours.

I felt this was an apt metaphor for the recent bloody history of Cambodia. Instead of noticing the horror of genocide committed under our noses, we were people busy going about the business of living, oblivious to much, save our own immediate needs and wants.

And that is why I applaud people like Janne Ritskes*, who came to Cambodia in the 90s and who has committed her life to helping a nation pick up the pieces by rebuilding communities and raising the standard of living by enabling financial independence.

I sat through a grim and gripping recounting of Cambodia's history by Janne in the Tabitha Cambodia shop/office/factory and consequently visited the Tuol Sleng Genocide Museum and the Killing Fields of Choeung Ek.

The magnitude of the number of lives lost (about two-three million in four years) was mind-numbing, and all I could do was pray under my breath as I walked around the same grounds where countless people were tortured and killed.

While I would never knowingly visit places where such wide-spread evil was committed, I can appreciate why the tour to the museum and killing fields was mandatory, for Janne wanted us to see the reality of genocide and perhaps appreciate the wounds that still live on in the faces and souls of the present population.

It was with great resolve that I ventured into the countryside with over 40 other members of my house-building group to build 40 houses in one and a half days and hopefully communicate to the villagers that they were worth the time, effort and money. They mattered in the world.

As I hammered in nails, dripping sweat down aching muscles, Janne's words echoed in my mind, "It's not about you, it's all about them," and I hope that in some small way, I have shown the villagers that just as there is evil in the world, there is good.

* Janne founded the Tabitha Foundation in 1994 to help the poor of Cambodia. To find out more about what they do, go to http://www.tabithasingapore.com/ and see how you can contribute to Tabitha.

Mission ready

Every living thing on earth was created with a mission and purpose.

Likewise I am born with a mission, one which invites me to contribute in ways personal, to leave my own unique stamp on the world.

The last two talks that Pia and Stefan Attard gave over this weekend helped me delineate this gift of mission that was bestowed to me at birth.

At the Saturday talk on woman, Pia spoke about the Hebrew words used to name and describe Eve, the first woman.

According to these definitions, woman is created with an inner space, one that allows her to receive; she is to be man's help meet, to support and complement him; and she is by nature nurturing, life-giving and fruitful, always reaching out to others.

Unfortunately not all of us know exactly why we are created. Most of us, like the woman at the well, have made a few wrong turns in life, sinned a fair bit and have experienced rejection, discrimination and hurt.

We may have lost a sense of who we are, hungering and looking for love but not truly finding it.

It is only when she drinks and is filled with the water Christ offers, that she regains her dignity and true identity as woman, and then goes off to lead others to this amazing truth of 'living water' that satiates.

Leading others to the truth is a fundamental human drive for we all gravitate towards what is good, true and beautiful in life. This was addressed by Pia and Stefan on Sunday afternoon.

In order to fulfil this mission of Christian leadership, there are five things we must recognize:

i) we are called to servant leadership; to serve under the lordship of God in our brokenness, just as Peter in his failure to acknowledge Christ was broken and became the rock upon which the Church was built.

ii) we are called to a ministry of compassion. To be able to suffer/empathize with others, we must take on the attitude of Christ at Gethsemane: to do whatever is possible to overcome suffering but to also accede and ask for grace to carry the cross when we realize it is beyond us.

iii) we have authority under authority. If we are obedient to the authority of God, we can carry the accountability of our given authority with integrity, and consequently earn moral authority.

iv) there is an ongoing transformation involved as we strive to bring out the original beauty of the image and likeness of God in ourselves.

v) we are all wounded healers. If we allow Christ into our broken lives, to wash our dirty feet again and again, then we will be able to reflect His unconditional love to others and bring about healing.

In order to be mission ready, it is vital that we base our faith on:

i) kerygma - we must be familiar with the Word of God, studying it like Jesus did, so that we can live it out and preach or proclaim the good news with authority.

ii) leitourgia - by participating in the liturgy and by being Eucharistic people, we can help others celebrate and give thanks for the gift of their lives.

iii) koinonia - through communion by intimate participation, we can grow the bonds we each have with family, friends and God.

iv) marturia - we must be ready to witness, to help others grow in faith by testifying to God's love in our lives.

v) diakonia - by reaching out in service to help the poor and the oppressed.

It's by no means easy to be missionary, but when we allow ourselves to see through Jesus' eyes and feel with His compassionate heart, then we can preach in His voice by being His hands and feet here on earth.

And do ordinary things extraordinarily.

Living on the edge

When I think of living on the edge, I usually think of it as being in a high risk situation that will set me up for a fall, and it's not exactly a place I want to be for I like being comfortable, and safe.

I was challenged this week to think of it as a a place where God wants me to be. Pia and Stefan Attard were here from Malta to run a six-day retreat called Roots and Wings (August 6th - 11th) that encouraged participants to acknowledge and take responsibility for their history, thereby allowing them to fly on wings of grace.

It was a litle like Pastoral Counselling School which I attended in 2003. So it was familiar, and yet, new insights bubbled up and I am able to see with more clarity what I should be doing and what blocks my path.

Talk about sitting on the hard edge of my reality.

But coming to the edge is not enough, just as knowing what I have to do and not yet doing it is not enough. I must now act, in order to grow and come closer to my vocation and to my true self, the self I was created to be.

It is timely that I stumbled on this paragraph I must've copied from a book I read that really inspired me and I want to share it with you (afraid I did not note who wrote this or where I read this):

"There is no room in Christianity for mediocrity. Sloth is a sin, apathetically doing nothing when something needs to be done.

"Fear is paralyzed procrastination over unholiness and unhealthy mental attitudes, that is used as a weapon to keep us from experiencing and enjoying the love and purpose that God has for each of us."

So while I fear the edge experience, I know that as long as I am focused on doing what the Father wants, His will, I cannot go wrong.
And I will soar__
...if I but step off the edge.

Water into wine

Can two wounded souls, united by the Trinity,

ever find the answer

to how discordant notes can swell

into a symphony

that restores all hearts,

cleaving as one, man and woman,

For nuptial bliss wrought from agony?

The bitter with the sweet is what refines the palate,

brings flavour to experience,

transforming blah into extraordinary.

But fidelity taken lightly exudes a frangible warmth

While unforgiveness and reconciliation

make unlikely bedfellows.

Relationships at risk must undergo metanoia*.

Faith, hope and love will prevail

through darkness and multi-varied deaths.

For Commandments keep us safe,

when Confusion rules the day.

We choose the narrow path

to taste the wine at Cana,

The best - at last! - is only what we deserve.

Believe.

* The Greek term for repentance, metanoia, denotes a change of mind, a reorientation, a fundamental transforma­tion of outlook, of an individual's vision of the world and of her/himself, and a new way of loving others and the Universe. Taken from Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metanoia

Holy priests

This evening I went for the wake service of Fr. Tom O'Neill to pay my last respects. When I heard about his death, I was shocked for I had just attended mass celebrated by Fr. O'Neill barely a month ago and had found him inspiring.

I had received the news of his demise last Friday evening, along with the news that Fr. Renckens had joined him a day later on the 31st.

While I did not really know Fr. Renckens apart from the occasional mass I attended at Blessed Sacrament, Fr. O'Neill was an integral part of my childhood.

The Church of St. Ignatius was my parish through my pre-teen and teen years and the Jesuit fathers there pretty much gave me a very positive picture of priesthood.

Fr. O'Neill, in particular, exemplified what a priest should be: gentle, earnest, sincere, humble, encouraging, with a certain joie de vivre that gave one the impression that everything was alright with the world.

I loved that he celebrated mass with such joy and reverence that raised the liturgy to a beautiful and sacred experience.

While I regret that I did not know him better, I thank him for shaping my views on life, for encouraging me to hope in humanity and trust in God's faithfulness.

Pope Benedict XVI recently declared this year the Year for Priests and it made me realize just how much I take our priests for granted. I always assume that they will be there to lead us and help us worship as a community despite the dwindling number of vocations taken up each year.

Instead of losing faith each time I hear or read about how a priest stumbles, I realize I should pray now for all priests, for their protection against all evil, for their steadfastness and for a renewal of their faith every day.

I am also increasingly grateful for all the holy men and women who have consecrated their lives to serving God in an extra-special way.

Thank you, Fr. O'Neill and Fr. Renckens, for living out your vocation to the end, loving much, living fully.

Requiescat in pace.

Five loaves and two fish

It’s been an extremely interesting week. Amidst the rushing around, the eating and the drinking (my brothers have been visiting, one from Taichung and one from Seattle, and we’ve been gathering with family and friends to celebrate practically every night as the last goes back tonight), the learning lesson for the week coalesced yesterday.

It began when I had met M. last Sunday and we had chatted extensively about our dreams as we went on our bridge walk (we are doing the chapter on deepest desires in Margaret Silf’s Landmarks).

It was great fun and invigorating to share our dreams and build castles in the air for P. had inspired both M. and myself when she shared how she wanted to run a resort that would give back to the local community in a big way.

It was clear from last Friday’s meeting that all of us have an innate desire to help others, something Maslow theorized years ago in his hierarchy of needs.

The question is how and when do we fulfill this “helping others” desire, among all the very many we have?

Most of us tend to focus on what I call “luxury” desires like I want to go muck diving in Lembeh Strait, see mola mola in Bali and hammerheads in Layang Layang…


I want to spend three weeks in Hawaii every year just walking, swimming and decompressing under my favourite hau tree on Waikiki beach.

I want to take my mother to Floriade in Amsterdam in 2012 and all the great gardens in the world; and oh, the latest one, I want to go on The Gibbon Experience in Laos, live in tree-tops and zip-line across the canopy.

The list just goes on and on and these typically consume most of our energy and resources for who doesn’t want to have fun?

Most people, like P. who came to dinner last night, say, “I will help the poor when I retire, when I have time”. Brother, the time is now.

Every day, we are given opportunities to “help the poor”, but do we take them? Who are the poor among us? Even in affluent Singapore, they exist and I am not just talking about those who are hungry for food and drink whom we can help very easily by writing a cheque if we but open our eyes to their plight.

Living in a city bristling with noise and endless distraction can make for great spiritual poverty. My client S. shared a great quote from Gandhi yesterday: “There’s more to life than increasing its speed”.

While I agree with that, it’s nigh impossible to slow down so I try to be sensitive to life’s impulses. Keep an open mind and be prepared to chop and change my plans in order to make time to spend a moment with those who need a listening ear, visit with a sick friend or just spend quality time with loved ones, especially ageing parents who always get pushed to the bottom of the list if they are not sick.

Say yes, rather than no, even if it means taking on too much on your plate and you don’t feel up to the task (ie you don’t think you’re good enough). For if it’s meant to happen, things will happen but you have to give God some material to work with.

Instead of saying, “I don’t have time,” it’s really up to us to be creative with our time and use it well.

I am always inspired when I see my physio Elaine, who is bursting with life and energy and juggles multiple balls and hats. She manages to make a living, help many people get well, push herself to the limit to learn, explore and grow, find time to dream and work towards fulfilling her dreams, while taking time to help the “needy”. She is a woman who has allowed her five loaves and two fish to be multiplied and used to feed many.

So in the smorgasbord of life, how do I choose which desires to pursue in the immediate and in the long term that are edifying for both me and others?

Ultimately it’s about connecting with people. If I listen with my heart and learn to identify what the needs and wants of others are and fulfill them in a manner that promotes mutual respect and dignity then I go beyond writing a cheque, the mere act of bestowing largesse that doesn’t involve much sacrifice.

And in the process, I learn more about myself and receive more, much more than just feeling good about myself.

I get to witness the miracle of exponential multiplication that starts with a simple desire and a humble offering.

Talitha kum

Come little girl, awake with the day,
It’s time to get up! To laugh and play.
Dance for joy and sing with pleasure,
As life unfolds untold treasure.

Come little girl, arise from your slumber!
The sun is rising and glowing amber.
You are the child chosen to lead the way,
For grown-ups are lost and in disarray.

Come little girl, grab hold of my hand,
I need you to be, to make my stand.
Show the world what love is all about,
So all can enjoy; erasing the doubt.

Come little girl, give me a sweet smile,
To brighten my day, make me stay awhile,
You know the real truth: you are my bliss
I need you to speak so many don’t miss.

Inside each of us, a child lies sleeping
She must awaken, to stop our weeping.
Restore the wholeness of our being,
Allow us to feel what we are seeing.

Inspired by Mark 5:41

Finding your inner compass

At last Friday's W2W meeting, we were sharing about the inner compass and whether we were attuned to it. It is clear that for many of us, things are not that transparent all of the time.

For some it has to do with career and whether they are fulfilling their deepest desire of helping others.

For others, it is the difficulty in connecting to the inner self - the journey from head to heart being a challenging one, especially for those who find it hard to trust their own instincts and inner convictions and who need to rely on hard facts.

What makes it tough is trying to sift out the truth about our real selves amidst the very human and, dare I say it, dysfunctional relationships with family and friends. It may be a neverending story but one well worth the effort.

Most of us measure how much we are loved through the eyes and actions of those around us and when the values and vision of said others are distorted, we see ourselves through the filters of many untruths, arriving at the truth of Christ's love only in the head (see June 19th's Random acts) and not truly feeling the love.

While I have grown much better at being led by my inner compass, there was a time I was clueless.

How did I learn? It all began with a deep, desperate longing, a burning thirst for answers that pointed me to God.

It's always easier to look for answers elsewhere and I have tried most of 'em -codependent relationships, material goods, work, status, money, food, alcohol, worldly pleasures... and found passing happiness at a great price of addiction, obsession, disordered desires and zero self-love.

When we rationalize our decisions and either continue to squat in the same rank hole not daring to move (despite knowing we are not happy and have to do something about the situation) or wander off a more attractive-looking path; that's where we find ourselves at a huge roadblock, unable to go forward spiritually or emotionally.

And we keep running around in circles of destructive pattterns of behaviour, unable to help ourselves.

However, with the decision to choose life, and God, came an even more difficult challenge. I had to learn to let go and die to self. Well, Jesus did promise whoever loses her life will find it.

This was the challenge E. threw me when I finally found the humility to say, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned against you," and subsequently experienced His forgiving and healing love.

"It's time to leave the boat!" - and embrace a new way of life.

By allowing the flames of purification to wash over me (I said goodbye to relationship, career, money, position and my old self-destructive ways) as I walked the fiery, narrow path, I found myself, a self I happen to like and approve of very much.

Letting go is extremely hard and it's something I have to do every day.

I play the WWJD (what would Jesus do) and the WWMD (what would Mary do) games. I offer up Ignatius's suscipe prayer. I rely on the Word, the Eucharist and the examen consciousness heavily.

In the course of letting go, I have realised that there can be no half-measures. As Heidi Klum would state with grave finality, either "You're in!" or "You're out!". If you are "in", it means making prayer a way of life. It's the only way to locate an inner compass that is in good working order.

The more I create sacred spaces in my busy day, the more I gain in clarity, and sanity.

Whenever I say, "Sorry Jesus, I love you, but I just don't have time for you today," I miss the opportunity to quench my longings and understand what makes me do the things I do.

At times, I end up walking around, lost in a fog, for I don't receive those divine inspired insights and flashes of brilliance that allow me to decipher life and make better choices.

If you're looking for a manual, there isn't one for it's so absurdly easy: commit to quiet time with JC.

You may need to figure out what quiet time actually means for you - experiment with devotional prayer, daily mass, daily reading of the Gospel, spending time in the adoration room, praying the the Divine Office, journalling, meditation and prayer walks...

In all this, there must be a point in time that you actually sit still consciously, and allow Christ to speak in the thoughts of your heart. Don't look at the clock! I dare you!

In The Virtues of an Authentic Life, Haring speaks of the virtue of patience and holy impatience as necessary in "dealing with ourselves and with our neighbours". Without "patient self-love and healthy self-respect", we can never gain inner peace and "full human maturation" that true patience affords.

Patience has never my strong suit but I have found that cultivating patience helps me keep the faith, find hope in impossible situations and be a more loving person. As Haring puts it, it can be "a great force of healing power" for it enables us to stand still and let God take over.

So in trying to find the inner compass that points us to the reality of true self and the experience of true love, it's about seeking with great longing, humble repentance, letting go and dying to self, giving God carte blanche in all areas of life, getting chummy and on a first name basis with Jesus and being gently patient with our clumsy attempts at loving self and neighbour.

It's also about trusting Jesus and trusting that we actually hear Him, especially if we've made a genuine attempt to know Him it will happen (but nothing replaces quality prayer time for this to occur).

Finally, it's about believing in ourselves (as D. would say, "God did not create junk"), in the gift of love from the Creator (who made each of us as a gift to ourselves and for His own pleasure) and in the grace of faith.

If as Christians we do not or cannot believe the above, then we are merely existing and not living fully. A tragic thing.

Walking on water

When I shared my ambivalence about my birthday this year, my dear coz E. commented it could be that this new year would be a watershed year for me.

Just thinking about it brought on a conflict of trepidation, dread and eagerness. As she had previously predicted my faith formation fast track and proved accurate, I tend to believe her pronouncements.

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I know she is right for I have already begun to sense the rumblings of change, a deeper, metamorphic call from within.

"In saying yes, I have to go, but do I really want to go there?"

Since 2003, I have made the decision to to be guided by one thing in life and that has earned me disbelief, scorn, anger, hostility, betrayal, loss, resentment, contempt and loss, even as I have gained strength, courage, wisdom, self-respect, peace, freedom, resolve, approbation, faith, joy and much love.

The last two months have brought a concatenation of insights and revelations that have given me a faith-grounded sense of self (and "belovedness") that also challenges me to take it to the next level.

I find myself caught up in life, energized yet drained by the buzz of connectedness; in love with life's every moment and what it has to offer, yet in despair over its rainbow sheened soap bubble fragility.

I am caught between consolation and desolation, the tension of doing too little and too much, constantly seeking to redefine the meaning of love - unconditional and infinite - and putting into action my values and beliefs; often pursuing an imperfect course of action, thereby sacrificing a potentially good (even better?) alternative.

In willing the one thing, the price is paradoxically exorbitant and invitingly minimal. And I will never know where I am led until I get there. But increasingly, I am learning to appreciate the journey and put less effort into divining the destination.

As my SD told me today, I should spend more time with Peter: Peter who asked to be able to walk on water and was granted his wish, yet allowed a sea of doubt to weigh him down.

Likewise, when I find myself sinking in my very human fears and doubts, I would do well to catch hold of that outstretched hand of the one who will hold on firmly and never let me drown.

Faith experience

Yesterday E. asked me this question regarding faith, "Do you feel it in your body?" Initially I thought it a curious question but responded in the affirmative after giving the question some thought.

My experiences of God are many and diverse, but at the most visceral level, it is a felt, sensory experience.

It's a sense of incredible lightness that permeates every corner of my mind, the distant reaches of my psyche and every tingly nerve ending in my body.

As my heart is touched by the experience of Divine love, it's a point of transformation and an opportunity for growth.

It's an ineffable lightness of being. There are no words save when it happens to you, you will know it, even if it is not a dramatic Damascus event like St. Paul's.

This gift of the Spirit is often one of surprise, unexpected, oft-times elusive although deeply sought - what Ignatius might call "consolation without previous cause".

While I am wary of over-simplifying and reducing faith to an experiential high that one gets, the truth of God's love is undeniably decoded in the language of the body, as Pope John Paul II elucidates in his Theology of the Body.

In order for there to be real meaning and depth in any human experience, the experience must be an amalgam of thought/words and life/love. So that it becomes an experience that can be shared with others, connecting and uniting humanity one with the other, thereby forging yet another link in the chain of life that answers the fundamental questions of existence and how meaning in life is lived out in the body.

Experience cannot be reduced to merely a series of events, separate from affectivity, and without any meaning in life.

With the body as the foundational place of all experiences in life, the body becomes the place not only to meet and "communicate" God, but it is the vehicle for us to "reach out and touch someone" (be it child, parent, sibling, relative, friend or stranger), and thereby make a difference in the world.

In that encounter with the other where we give of ourselves (be it a smile, a kind word, a loving caress or a helping hand), our hearts are transformed by that act of love and we move closer to the true meaning of love and towards God.

And we get to live out the message that God is love in our bodies.

Random acts

Today is the solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. As I read the reflection this morning, I came to a new understanding of what this feast celebrates ie the living heart of Jesus, the man He was: His inner life, virtues, sentiments and infinitely loving and lovable nature.

I recently re-read an article written by Rolheiser where he talks about what lies at the heart of our faith, "the deep truth that we are unconditionally loved by God". While we may know this, we find it difficult to believe.

It's hard to internalize this fundamental truth for we rarely experience unconditional love in our lifetimes. Much as our parents, relative and friends love us, they love us better when we conform to their idea of what we should be like.

Plus our experience of love is usually tainted by expressions of love that are not love at all but "expressions of self-serving manipulation, exploitation, or even positive abuse".

No wonder it's so difficult to believe in love, especially unconditional love.

Rolheiser recommends we "kill" the incarnations of our past selfs, and not allow our past experience and past wounded selfs mar our present belief or vision of God.

To add to that, I would like to suggest that we get to know the very heart of Jesus by poring over and meditating on the gospels and the collection of letters in the New Testament.

The more we see and understand how He embraced humanity with love in everything He did during His short time on earth leading up to His ultimate sacrificial act of love, the more we are able to see Him acting in our lives today and experience in a very personal and real way His unconditional love.

Every act of random kindness is an act that bears the mark of Christ's unconditional love for us, whether we realize it or not, and whether we are the recipient or the initiator.

So even if we struggle to believe that Jesus loves us, we allow Him to live in us when we love and reach out to another in "the sincere gift of self".

And in so doing, we become brilliant imitators of His Sacred Heart and most resemble Him.

For we have now experienced Christ’s unconditional, infinite love as the giver and that transforms us, imperceptibly but significantly.

Now that's a class act.

Will to freedom

For some reason today, I left the house in a rush, convinced I was going to be late for my class, only to discover, en route, that I was early. So I decided to take a walk in the Botanic Gardens.

It was a grey, overcast afternoon, perfect for a walk. I essentially made a loop around the grounds before heading for class just over an hour later.

I enjoyed the oasis of green and quiet, with only the occasional breeze and the song of the cicadas accompanying me. It became an afternoon of Ignatian contemplation where I reviewed my weekend.

Much had transpired - many surprises and discoveries - some delightful, and some not so. What was most interesting to me was how my insecurities caused me to react in ways that took me right back to my teenage, angst-filled years.

Hmmm, having worked assiduously on my issues in recent years, I had reckoned I would react in a more mature fashion. Surely I was no longer slave to my OCD tendencies?

This is when I am glad I had made the decision to love Christ with "all my heart, soul mind and strength" for in so doing, I relinquish my will, every day, in order to follow Him.

In this instance, I was freed (as I processed my thoughts and feelings during my time of contemplation) of my impatience and my whiny, insecure, manic girl self.

Despite the inability to predict if the future would bring me what I want (or think I want), in allowing Christ to lead, I know that I will achieve the desires of my heart and experience much joy even before I attain them.

In the meantime, I was affirmed in so many ways.

My neighbour whom I met in church on Sunday bought me breakfast, insisting he pay for me in a very gallant manner.

I was able to give emotional support and advice to women friends who were going through crises and, in turn, received from other woman friends encouraging support.

My youngest bro and I had a chat where he reminded me of the woman I am - caring, nurturing, wise, wonderful and much loved.

I taught well this morning, enjoying the experience of helping clients get more in touch with their bodies.

My life is full of richness and depth as was revealed to me in my time of introspection.

I finish this day, with confidence renewed, calm restored and the conviction that with Christ at the centre of my universe, I am able to do all things.

His will be done. Freely.

Holy wholeness

It's been a little bit of a frustrating time for me for I keep falling sick every week. I won't bore you with a laundry list of ailments, suffice to say I am sick of it all and foing my darnedest to get healthy and fit.

In sharing my woes, A. offered me a very profound thought about two weeks ago. She said that what God wants, first and foremost, is for me to be whole and holy. He is not looking purely for someone to serve Him. Service is secondary, something we do to reciprocate the love we have received from our heavenly Father.

It made me realize that I valued my self-worth based very much on what I could bring to the table. Not surprising seeing as one of my main love languages is acts of service. When I don't accomplish what I think I ought to, I consider myself a failure.

No wonder I get so uptight and critical of my self.

Anyway, I spent the weekend attending the Life in the Spirit Seminar. I went only because I wanted to encourage my cousin and uncle to attend but of course, there was a huge learning lesson for me.

This issue of wholeness that has been floating around in my consciousness for the last two weeks was addressed numerous times for the message is that Jesus came so that we can have life "to the full".

So I managed to let go and let God do His thang this weekend and it was pretty awesome in the mysterium tremendum and fascinosum way.*

Now the trick is to keep remembering that I am called to wholeness and holiness and treat my mind, body and spirit accordingly.

So if I forget, please remind me.

* Read more of Otto's definition: http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/english/melani/gothic/numinous.html

Spirit led

"The wind blows where it pleases and you hear its sound,
but you don't know where it comes from or where it is going.
It is like that with everyone who is born of the Spirit."

The lyricism and power of this verse from John's gospel blows my mind every time I read it.

While it reminds me to desist from attempting to grasp too tightly the mystery and transcendence of the Creator for He is beyond all human understanding, it also reminds me that Christ is immanent, residing right within me.

He is my spirit guide, the inner voice that lights my path with velvet-soft whispers. In order to proceed along the narrow path of God's will, I must use my sensibilities intuitively, relying on a blend of compassion and righteousness that is indubitably Christ's.

It is never easy to navigate based on faith for it can be such a fragile and nebulous thing. Plus being human (and a kiasu Singaporean), I tend to hedge my bets on known facts and figures, and what my head tells me.

I still remember asking E. in Bangalore how will I know if I am following what God wills in my life or simply following my own will? She told me to ask that He speaks to me in ways that I understand. And then to sit back and listen carefully in my sacred spaces of prayer time.

It's amazing what can come from a sincere desire to decipher the movements of the Spirit. While it will never be an exact science, there are instances I know that an unexplainable impulse is Spirit led. This is especially so when I consider the consequences of that said impulse. If it moves me to bear good fruit, beneficial to those around me, then it is as it should be. As He wills it.

Of course there are times I wonder if a decision or idea comes from Him or from me? In those instances, I seek counsel from people whom I trust for their sound judgment. I also read the lay of the land, gathering information from various sources, bringing it to prayer, then seeing where my heart leads me. Consolation or desolation?*

Along the way I've learned not to let fear of making the wrong decision stop me from acting. For even a wrong decision can be made right if my initial and constant desire is to follow His will. The creativity of the Spirit never ceases to surprise me so I am no longer afraid to mess up or go with the flow.

As we honour the 'Advocate' given to us on Pentecost, I give thanks for this great gift of the Holy Spirit and resolve to remain open to living in the Spirit.


* Making use of tools or methodologies of brilliant minds who have trodden the same path before me is of great assistance. I am currently enjoying the revisit of Ignatian spirituality, made easy by Margaret Silf in her book Landmarks.

Integrating body and spirit

When I saw my SD last week and he asked me what I would like to pray for, I said I felt very scattered and needed focus. He prayed for an integration of my gifts and came up with a beautiful image of a person's gifts and talents as flowers which when looked at singly may be pretty but when integrated into a bouquet became a spectacular show of contrasting colours, perfumes, shapes and textures.

This word "integration" has been figuring largely in my life this year. Not that it hasn't in the past for I have spent the last five years trying to integrate my spirituality with my sexuality, my beliefs and thoughts with my actions and behaviour and I have been largely successful.

However, in attempting to live out my life as fully as possible, I have overstretched my limits at times and hence I find myself struggling to integrate my talents: be all things to all people in order to be Christ to the world and, at the same time, be a happy, healthy woman in the prime of her life.

Right now there is little integration between my will and my body. I find myself feeling fragile, physically and emotionally.

Tired seems to be my constant state of existence as I rush from place to activity in neverending succession.

I even struggle with turning up for my weekly W2W meeting although I look forward to it for my exhausted body would love it if I could just spend the Friday evening relaxing at home and going to bed early in order to be fresh for a busy Saturday of teaching.

I am Jacob tussling with the angel when it comes to doing what I feel is the right thing to do versus what I really want.

In accepting that the tension between the two will always exist, there is great relief. An insight that was sparked by the realization that I must accept my imperfect past, present and future in my body.

In other words, my life will never perfect, as I will never be perfect and while I should strive for perfection, if I fall short, that's perfectly alright, as long as I have tried my best to be true to myself (and the Father's will) and conducted myself with integrity - all this while respecting the limitations of my physical being.

At last Friday's meeting, we shared on helplessness and feeling trapped. While I sometimes feel trapped by my sense of right and wrong, I realized that it is in moments of utter helplessness when I cease to struggle and just rely totally on God, and that is when I experience relief and freedom.

This realization was common among the women present. Each had her own unique story to share, her own personal cross, yet when each surrendered her situation in its most bewildering, depressing and scariest moments, somehow she was liberated from fear and given the strength to soldier on.

Grace in its purest form is given when we meet Jesus face to face.

I am reminded of a verse from Exodus that encouraged me in the aftermath of a devastating break-up:

'The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to keep still.’

So instead of struggling so hard, I will stand still and let time and nature unfurl organically.

Living new life

Life has been particularly hectic the last couple of weeks and my health has suffered for it. While there were times I wished that I could've slow down, I have also enjoyed the busyness of it all.

Easter brought visitors and I most enjoyed getting to know C. who is S.'s charming little boy, and having long chats with S., who is like a dear sister to me. Then there was the lector retreat, followed by a trip to Bangkok which was a mad whirl of shopping and eating - enjoyable but utterly exhausting.

There have also been concerted efforts to meet up with friends, attend required meetings and soul-enriching talks which, on top of the teaching, left very little time for myself and a body that is protesting very loudly by failing to function well.

At last Friday's meeting, A. brought up a very interesting point of integration - how the mind and body must connect in all that we do, that is, will, reason and emotion must all sing on the same page.

You would think that teaching Pilates would help me get it - but that's just it, I have been teaching and not doing, and hence have missed the point completely for a while now.

I have been neglecting my own physical and emotional health by focusing on what I need to do and what I perceive as things that I need to do which are hard to fit into a 24-hour day.

Instead of loving myself, I have been caring for others with a total disregard for my own self. And because I am so exhausted every day, I give in to poor dietary choices and unhealthy couch potato-like behaviour. It's become a cycle of bad lifestyle habits hard to break.

AW also shared last Friday how as a wife, mother and working woman she survives on three-four hours of sleep at least three times a week. A conscientious and loving woman, she struggles with juggling responsibilities.

While there will always be too many responsibilities from the multi-varied roles we are each called to play, there must be harmony within our minds, bodies and souls.

If our health is less than perfect: if we are physically unfit/overweight/constantly tired, if we suffer from a variety of mysterious aches and pains, if we are too tired to even know how we feel or seem to be low in spirits, if we are mentally stressed and find it hard to relax, if we find it hard to sleep well at night, if we are irritable and illogical... this is a wake-up call.

Listen to your body - what is it saying to you? If it is not happy in any way, there is something seriously wrong with the way you are living your life.

Being loving, caring human beings who serve others does not mean we should suffer by being in less than optimum health.

We must treat our bodies with respect by getting the requisite amount of sleep, eating well (a nutritionally sound diet that moderates or abstains from unhealthy food choices) and exercising (the human body was made to move and I am not talking about walking to the fridge to get a snack or channel-surfing here).

Being "ensouled bodies", we must treat our souls with the same amount of respect by exercising our spiritual muscle and making time to nourish our relationship with Jesus.

If we make time to know Christ, and ourselves, intimately, we will never stray too far or get too lost. For our inner compass will always work to steer us in the right direction, especially in moments of crisis. But one must use this compass constantly if not it will get rusty and untrue.

Exercising spiritual muscle is a little more complicated for we live in a world where many evils abound, some clothed in perceived goodness. I think it's vital to make good recreational choices - in the movies we watch, the music we listen to and the pastimes we indulge in - as well as moderate what we are exposed to media-wise for the rule of GIGO (garbage in, garbage out) applies.

This rule applies to friends as well. I am fond of telling my youngest brother, "You lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas." So who you hang out with is something to consider very carefully.

Self-possession is also key and it begins with the small things like not eating the next delicious mouthful that will push you over the edge into over-eating, and guarding against addictions and compulsive behaviour.

The moment you say, "I can't help myself", "I really need to finish this before I..." or "Just one more..." warning bells should go off in your head.

I have set myself a goal of a pain-free and fit body by year's end and I am as far from it as I can possibly be. So my Easter promise to myself is to begin living a new life, instead of just talking about it.

Let new life begin.

Child

Child has the inalienable right to be loved,
For who he is, for her own being.
Not what he can become, or what she does well,
or what Child represents in the grown-up's universe.
Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny,
Too quiet, too noisy, too stupid, too naughty,
Her eyes are too small, his ears stick out,
She's too dark, he's too fair - too ugly.
The litany of unmet expectations and exacting judgments
Obscure the fact that Child is perfect!
As is. Not one freckle more or less.
Regardless of shortcomings, disabilities, size, shape, form or sex.
In spite of the circumstances of birth, good and bad.
Child is a priceless gift, to be cherished,
Savoured each passing day,
From first smile to first word to first date.
Clothed in loving affirmation, she will grow, he will mature
Into the image and likeness of each parent's best self.
The world a playground and safe haven
Where Child is creator, giving birth to new life
Every single day.

Gaming lessons

I spent the previous weekend in Kluang (outside JB) and returned home completely exhausted with a bokok nose to boot, but in high spirits.

What began as a simple desire to use my gift of reading aloud has led to being part of St. Teresa's PPC (Parish Pastoral Council) Exco - a responsibility I never sought and I was quite dismayed when I was elected. However, I did say "yes" as Edwina, the retreat facilitator, pointed out.

Indeed I did.

The PPC retreat began with probing questions on why each of us was there. It was heartening to note that there were quite a few who felt like I did ("Aiyah, why me, ah?"). As we went through the planned activities - mostly games - a transformation soon took place.

I learned to stop looking back to examine how I arrived at this point, but instead to be present in the moment and to recognize God's presence in the moment.

I got to know my fellow councillors and it was equally enjoyable and humbling to get to know some of them - good men and women of faith. (It was also mega fun to hang out with my cousin J. whose high empathy taught me a lesson or two.)

Other new skills I picked up were how to work in a team successfully: never to make assumptions but to assume that we each have a different way of processing information and to therefore clarify continually; to be aware of the people factor and not just focus on getting the task done; and to be empathetic and cooperative in getting a job done collectively. And, of course, to persevere in all things.

The two days spent in communal prayer and fellowship also brought back great memories of my first experience of community life in Bangalore in 2003 and my "burning bush" experience. A timely reminder of how God always answers prayer.

Apart from having fun, my learning lesson about myself is that I tend to be negative for I am highly critical of self and I need to take myself less seriously. I also need to love myself even when I goof up and accept I make mistakes, like everyone else.

At the start of Lent, my SD did challenge me to dive into the deep and despite the busyness of my life, I think I have managed to do just that.

Thank God for fun and games.