Today E would have been 61. While I still miss her - and wish she were here with us, I am at peace, finally, that she is not. The years of battling cancer were painful for her, she, who was so hyper-sensitive to pain. And in that last month of life, she had already checked out - she was no longer the interested, quietly vibrant personality who channelled God's wisdom to others so effortlessly. She was a barely discernible facsimile of her true self, vastly diminished by the process of dying.
So how has it been, living these coming to four years without her? I would like to think that I have grown in wisdom, that I have enlarged the space of my tent heaps. Hopefully she would applaud how I live my life, and that she is, even now, rejoicing with me, how I am actually seeing the fruit of my labour in my mission field: my family is thriving - husband, mother, children, grandchildren and siblings. My daily prayer that my marriage be a strong witness of nuptial loving and giving is answered: P and I are good together, and we are equally good for others, much more than if we were single or separate. Marriage suits us real fine.
In E's death, she bequeathed me the gift of faithfulness. She was faithful to the One who loved her so unconditionally and tenderly, always giving, big of heart, never shortchanging Jesus at all if she could help it. Her integrity and unwavering passion won over so many hearts to Him, and I believe that she continues this work on earth through those hearts who are now striving to do likewise.
When she left, I felt more keenly the challenge of trying to be like her, a fervent missionary disciple who sowed abundant seeds of faith wherever she went. As A texted me today, we, who loved her so much, now ask ourselves WWED* all the time. She is our role model and inspiration for godly living in her profound, intimate relationship with Jesus, and her BBF status with the Holy Spirit.
No one could see so precisely into the heart of another, to tease out the goodness that was within so masterfully by the way she fully accepted the other unconditionally, for she saw through the eyes of Jesus, and she spoke with the heart of Jesus. She made you feel worthy of being loved, precious even. She brought you home into the arms of Jesus. And she challenged you to be more, always - magis.
So my dearest coz, for very selfish reasons I miss you sorely, but I am truly elated that you are home with Jesus, probably suggesting to Him what He could do in your inimitable quirky manner. Heaven help Him!
*What would E do?
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