Just these past
few weeks, an act of callousness by someone I love made me feel heartsick,
worthless and full of shame. This shame, underpinned by the belief that I was
not worthy of being loved, flooded through me and slew my equilibrium. Briefly.
What got me out of the hole I had fallen into was the buoyant truth: I am deeply loved and deserving of such generous love. Plus, listening to Doctor Brené Brown's TED talks* on vulnerability and shame made me realize how far I have come in living with, what she termed, wholeheartedness.
In researching shame, Doctor Brown found that shame, which is the fear of disconnection and the belief that we are not worthy of love killed vulnerability, severely impacting our ability to connect with others and ultimately find purpose and meaning in life.
Shame is what hamstrings us from living life courageously, from “daring greatly”, and to live as we were created to as humans, with wholeheartedness.
She found that wholehearted people are people with a strong sense of worthiness or a strong sense of love and belonging, and who fully believed they were worthy of that love and belonging. They had:
COURAGE The courage to tell their stories with their whole hearts, unafraid of being imperfect.
COMPASSION First the compassion to be kind to themselves, then to others.
CONNECTION The ability of connecting with others with authenticity. They were themselves, instead of trying to be someone they should be.
She explains vulnerability as the willingness to say I love you first, the willingness to do something when there are no guarantees and the willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. Doctor Brown also describes vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure and uncertainty.
You might say that does not sound prudent in the least and you would be right. However the alternatives are far worse.
Doctor Brown found that you cannot numb vulnerability without numbing other emotions such as joy, gratitude and happiness. In keeping out the "bad stuff" (vulnerability is widely perceived as weakness), we keep out the good stuff as well.
Should I let you break my heart again?
I must be mental. Certifiable.
To confine myself into that straitjacket you call love
More like infantile promises without bite or substance.
Good going down but ever so toxic.
Making me sick. Destroying me.
You can break me once, even twice. Not anymore.
Should I let you rule my heart again?
I must be stupid. Or just plain slow.
It's not as if I am unacquainted with your fears
The ones you hide so well - especially from yourself.
Swept under the carpet of vacuous bonhomie,
A grinning idiot displays more honesty.
Spared of your perfidious cowardice, I am at peace.
Should I let you touch my heart again?
I must be foolish. Possibly Christ-like.
Loving Him has taught me not to count the costs.
To risk much while keeping my dignity intact
Daring greatly without fear of rejection.
If I remain connected to Him, we can perhaps connect,
And maybe you'll catch a glimpse of Him in me.
* Worth a listen or two: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability and
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
What got me out of the hole I had fallen into was the buoyant truth: I am deeply loved and deserving of such generous love. Plus, listening to Doctor Brené Brown's TED talks* on vulnerability and shame made me realize how far I have come in living with, what she termed, wholeheartedness.
In researching shame, Doctor Brown found that shame, which is the fear of disconnection and the belief that we are not worthy of love killed vulnerability, severely impacting our ability to connect with others and ultimately find purpose and meaning in life.
Shame is what hamstrings us from living life courageously, from “daring greatly”, and to live as we were created to as humans, with wholeheartedness.
She found that wholehearted people are people with a strong sense of worthiness or a strong sense of love and belonging, and who fully believed they were worthy of that love and belonging. They had:
COURAGE The courage to tell their stories with their whole hearts, unafraid of being imperfect.
COMPASSION First the compassion to be kind to themselves, then to others.
CONNECTION The ability of connecting with others with authenticity. They were themselves, instead of trying to be someone they should be.
VULNERABILITY Fully embraced vulnerability and it is this that
makes them beautiful.
The
wholehearted people she interviewed spoke of vulnerability as necessary, albeit uncomfortable. Vulnerability may be at the core of shame, fear and our struggle
for worthiness, but it is also the birthplace of joy, belonging, love, innovation, creativity and change.
She explains vulnerability as the willingness to say I love you first, the willingness to do something when there are no guarantees and the willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. Doctor Brown also describes vulnerability as emotional risk, exposure and uncertainty.
You might say that does not sound prudent in the least and you would be right. However the alternatives are far worse.
Doctor Brown found that you cannot numb vulnerability without numbing other emotions such as joy, gratitude and happiness. In keeping out the "bad stuff" (vulnerability is widely perceived as weakness), we keep out the good stuff as well.
Numbing vulnerability
has strongly contributed to the current American adult cohort as the one that is most in debt
and prone to obesity and addiction, with an over-reliance on medication.
Other unhealthy
coping mechanisms include a tendency to make the uncertain certain, where we
insist we are right, leaving no room for discourse. We only know how to lay blame
(Doctor Brown defines blame as a way to discharge pain and discomfort) and to
judge.
Then there is
also the way we attempt to perfect things, refusing to concede that we are
imperfect beings, wired for struggle. Unable to recognize that we are worthy
of love and belonging because of, and not in spite of, our flaws.
We pretend.
We tell ourselves that what we do (the less than admirable stuff) does not
impact others and we justify even our bad behaviour. All this we do in aid of hiding
our vulnerability, and shame. Doctor Brown pointed out the high correlation between
shame and depression, addiction, eating disorders, bullying, aggression, violence and suicide.
As
Christians we are lucky for we have Jesus, who is our poster guy of wholehearted
living. How else could He have connected with everyone He met: the woman at the
well, Zacchaeus or Mary of Magdala?
Vulnerability
may result in hurt, betrayal and a stomped-on heart from time to time, but I
prefer it to a drugged-out existence or one where I live in a bubble,
untouched by life, and dead for all intents and purposes.
Should I let you break my heart again?
I must be mental. Certifiable.
To confine myself into that straitjacket you call love
More like infantile promises without bite or substance.
Good going down but ever so toxic.
Making me sick. Destroying me.
You can break me once, even twice. Not anymore.
Should I let you rule my heart again?
I must be stupid. Or just plain slow.
It's not as if I am unacquainted with your fears
The ones you hide so well - especially from yourself.
Swept under the carpet of vacuous bonhomie,
A grinning idiot displays more honesty.
Spared of your perfidious cowardice, I am at peace.
Should I let you touch my heart again?
I must be foolish. Possibly Christ-like.
Loving Him has taught me not to count the costs.
To risk much while keeping my dignity intact
Daring greatly without fear of rejection.
If I remain connected to Him, we can perhaps connect,
And maybe you'll catch a glimpse of Him in me.
* Worth a listen or two: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability and
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
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