I woke up this morning from a hot flash and it finally clicked. I have been experiencing other signs of perimenopause but have largely ignored them and was instead severely appalled and disheartened by my recent behaviour (disproportionate anger is an unfortunate sign besides the hot flashes and other equally lovely symptoms).
I felt a sense of relief for I had been beating myself up this week for going off the deep end and having a go at people only to deeply regret my actions. I have been perpetually on edge and it does not take much to morph into the Incredible Hulk, leaving a swath of destruction in my wake.
While biology explains a lot of what is happening to me, and helps me deal with my guilt and shame, I am not giving in to it. I just need to count to 100 now instead of 10, and also be prepared to eat lots of humble pie when my impulse control is non-existent. Mostly I need to really look out for the signs and act constructively, instead of reacting negatively. Prayer helps tremendously, thank God.
Thus today's Gospel from John, chapter nine, came alive for me. How could the people around the blind man not recognize the sign of a miracle to the point they denied knowing the blind man who was their neighbour? What ridiculous lengths people go to in order to verify a miraculous sign, just because they do not accept the truth, that a humble carpenter's son could be a healer, a prophet, the Messiah.
Why do we keep praying for signs from God, only to turn our backs on the signs when they appear right in front of us? This is what happened to the Pharisees, and still happens to us, to me, today. Why do we desire to be good only to refuse to act with goodness just because it challenges our pride, our self-worth and our personal comfort level?
When we act contrary to the Spirit of love, we are spiritually blind. It doesn't matter even if we are right or justified in our actions. Being petty or churlishly small-minded is never right, no matter what the provocation. When we think we are better than others, that we have done our part, we are about to step off a precipice into sin and we don't even see the step into insubstantial air, until it is too late.
In today's second reading, Saint Paul said to the Ephesians:
You were once darkness,
but now you are light in the Lord.
Live as children of light,
for light produces every kind of goodness
and righteousness and truth.
Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.
I feel as if I have been darkness this last week, the darkness of my hormonal imbalance and the consequent darkness of my mean-spirited disposition and searing anger. The good news is today I see that I am not beyond redemption. I merely have to be open to the truth and acknowledge the Lord's sovereignty in my life.
Even though I may not always be willing to go where He beckons, I know it will be good for me if I see and comply, for He only wants what's best for me. And I do trust Him.
This is, for me, a season of great physiological change. I can choose to be oblivious to it and suffer the damaging consequences, sinking into a pit. Who cares whom I hurt? I am not in a good place myself so my bad behaviour can be excused. Alternatively, I can look at it as a curse. Or as a gift. I choose gift.
My fertility may be on the wane but this can be a season of generativity and fruitfulness for me. I just need to start by taking care of my body, even as I take care of my spiritual health. Instead of pain avoidance, I can be motivated by building up my inner strength and beauty; the beauty of my soul, my inner being and my ageing body.
Saint Catherine of Siena said: If you are what you should be, you will set the world on fire.
What I should be, I know. I just need to keep my gaze trained on Jesus so as to see the signs with clarity, and simply become. Then, hopefully, I may set the world on fire.
I felt a sense of relief for I had been beating myself up this week for going off the deep end and having a go at people only to deeply regret my actions. I have been perpetually on edge and it does not take much to morph into the Incredible Hulk, leaving a swath of destruction in my wake.
While biology explains a lot of what is happening to me, and helps me deal with my guilt and shame, I am not giving in to it. I just need to count to 100 now instead of 10, and also be prepared to eat lots of humble pie when my impulse control is non-existent. Mostly I need to really look out for the signs and act constructively, instead of reacting negatively. Prayer helps tremendously, thank God.
Thus today's Gospel from John, chapter nine, came alive for me. How could the people around the blind man not recognize the sign of a miracle to the point they denied knowing the blind man who was their neighbour? What ridiculous lengths people go to in order to verify a miraculous sign, just because they do not accept the truth, that a humble carpenter's son could be a healer, a prophet, the Messiah.
Why do we keep praying for signs from God, only to turn our backs on the signs when they appear right in front of us? This is what happened to the Pharisees, and still happens to us, to me, today. Why do we desire to be good only to refuse to act with goodness just because it challenges our pride, our self-worth and our personal comfort level?
When we act contrary to the Spirit of love, we are spiritually blind. It doesn't matter even if we are right or justified in our actions. Being petty or churlishly small-minded is never right, no matter what the provocation. When we think we are better than others, that we have done our part, we are about to step off a precipice into sin and we don't even see the step into insubstantial air, until it is too late.
In today's second reading, Saint Paul said to the Ephesians:
You were once darkness,
but now you are light in the Lord.
Live as children of light,
for light produces every kind of goodness
and righteousness and truth.
Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.
I feel as if I have been darkness this last week, the darkness of my hormonal imbalance and the consequent darkness of my mean-spirited disposition and searing anger. The good news is today I see that I am not beyond redemption. I merely have to be open to the truth and acknowledge the Lord's sovereignty in my life.
Even though I may not always be willing to go where He beckons, I know it will be good for me if I see and comply, for He only wants what's best for me. And I do trust Him.
This is, for me, a season of great physiological change. I can choose to be oblivious to it and suffer the damaging consequences, sinking into a pit. Who cares whom I hurt? I am not in a good place myself so my bad behaviour can be excused. Alternatively, I can look at it as a curse. Or as a gift. I choose gift.
My fertility may be on the wane but this can be a season of generativity and fruitfulness for me. I just need to start by taking care of my body, even as I take care of my spiritual health. Instead of pain avoidance, I can be motivated by building up my inner strength and beauty; the beauty of my soul, my inner being and my ageing body.
Saint Catherine of Siena said: If you are what you should be, you will set the world on fire.
What I should be, I know. I just need to keep my gaze trained on Jesus so as to see the signs with clarity, and simply become. Then, hopefully, I may set the world on fire.
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