I read with interest Sumiko Tan's column last Sunday on how marriage has not solved the problem of her loneliness for I have been reflecting on loneliness lately.
A number of women around me have been experiencing loss in their lives and are trying to come to terms with the yawning ache the loss has been left inside them and I have been wondering what can I say to them to make them feel better?
It was also a question my SD asked me recently. So how do I deal with loneliness?
I have spent a lot of my life lonely and restless. Even when I was in a relationship, there was a void in me that could not be filled, so I could identify with what Tan is experiencing.
Shouldn't being in a relationship signal the end of loneliness? On the contrary, as she pointed out, "it can worsen the ache" for despite having "found a mate, you're basically still in this alone".
Ironically, it was only when I made the decision to be single that I learnt how to deal with loneliness for only then could I break free of the chains of habit and fear to make the journey inward and to find what I had spent my whole life looking for.
It was as Saint Augustine himself wrote: You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.
In endeavouring to see the "face of God" (a desire which had lain buried deep inside of me, forgotten) I embarked on a journey of purifying my heart and I have found many wonderful things, but chiefly a panacea for the worst of my lonely pangs.
I found myself first - my history, my identity and my mission. Nothing like knowing what you were put on this earth to do to give new heart and a fresh outlook. And when the going gets tough, it helps keep you focused.
Scripture has been pivotal in providing clues, and still points me in the right direction when I have questions. It is rightly termed God's love letter to humanity and is concrete evidence of His presence in our midst.
My Bible Timeline group recently asked why it was that the Holy Book was filled with stories of a bunch of weak, greedy, lustful, violent and feckless people and a seemingly vengeful God.
Reading the Old Testament would hardly convert non-believers or help them understand why Christianity can be about unconditional and merciful love.
I found a fitting answer to this question in Ronald Rolheiser's The Restless Heart* for as he put it as with all true stories of the heart, they are also the story of our hearts. As such they can provide us with much liberating insight.
The stories of the Old Testament are "also revelation stories" which reveal "the heart of God and God's understanding of our hearts. Because of this they possess qualities of timelessness, universality, insight, and healing that go beyond the power of our own stories."
Bible stories are about real people who have struggled with the same issues we now grapple with and offer us either signs of encouragement or little nuggets of wisdom.
Apart from finding my own story and place within salvation history, re-discovering a sense of the sacred has given me a renewed zest for life and a delighted appreciation for the created world.
In the book of Genesis, Esau is described as a "profane" man, one who "treated the holy as common" and sold his birthright for a bowl of lentils.
I had done the same previously when I had not understood the profundity of my identity as child of God. I gave it away and remained lost in a self-centred definition of freedom and love.
To esteem the goodness of the Creator, the beauty of His creations, and the inspired work of holy men and women have challenged me to expand my own heart and be open to the movement of the Spirit in the quotidian hum of daily living.
To be awed like a child who looks at the world with eyes of wonder and sees miracles at every turn, this is how I aspire to live life and when I succeed, I am filled with joy and inner peace. And I rest in Him.
Regaining my sense of the sacred has also enabled me to find God in all things. In the gentle breeze, in my mother's laughter, in the frustration of missing my bus and in the lonely ache of my heart.
Yes, loneliness never goes away for it is a condition of the human heart. But in the still point of prayer; in being available not just to God but to people He has surrounded me with; in being actively involved and connected in "the community of life", the gnawing ache of loneliness is lessened.
Her loneliness made her empathize with the poor and unwanted, and kept her humble in spite of her acknowledged greatness.
So loneliness need not be a dreaded foe or a destructive force that pushes us to addictive, insalubrious behaviour or unending depression.
Instead it can propel us to come out of our shell and to maybe, just maybe find God in a different way and help us build a deeper, more intimate bond with Him. We don't have to sing the blues alone.
Loneliness can be a good thing. It is all up to us to make it worthwhile, to make it good.
A number of women around me have been experiencing loss in their lives and are trying to come to terms with the yawning ache the loss has been left inside them and I have been wondering what can I say to them to make them feel better?
It was also a question my SD asked me recently. So how do I deal with loneliness?
I have spent a lot of my life lonely and restless. Even when I was in a relationship, there was a void in me that could not be filled, so I could identify with what Tan is experiencing.
Shouldn't being in a relationship signal the end of loneliness? On the contrary, as she pointed out, "it can worsen the ache" for despite having "found a mate, you're basically still in this alone".
Ironically, it was only when I made the decision to be single that I learnt how to deal with loneliness for only then could I break free of the chains of habit and fear to make the journey inward and to find what I had spent my whole life looking for.
It was as Saint Augustine himself wrote: You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.
In endeavouring to see the "face of God" (a desire which had lain buried deep inside of me, forgotten) I embarked on a journey of purifying my heart and I have found many wonderful things, but chiefly a panacea for the worst of my lonely pangs.
I found myself first - my history, my identity and my mission. Nothing like knowing what you were put on this earth to do to give new heart and a fresh outlook. And when the going gets tough, it helps keep you focused.
Scripture has been pivotal in providing clues, and still points me in the right direction when I have questions. It is rightly termed God's love letter to humanity and is concrete evidence of His presence in our midst.
My Bible Timeline group recently asked why it was that the Holy Book was filled with stories of a bunch of weak, greedy, lustful, violent and feckless people and a seemingly vengeful God.
Reading the Old Testament would hardly convert non-believers or help them understand why Christianity can be about unconditional and merciful love.
I found a fitting answer to this question in Ronald Rolheiser's The Restless Heart* for as he put it as with all true stories of the heart, they are also the story of our hearts. As such they can provide us with much liberating insight.
The stories of the Old Testament are "also revelation stories" which reveal "the heart of God and God's understanding of our hearts. Because of this they possess qualities of timelessness, universality, insight, and healing that go beyond the power of our own stories."
Bible stories are about real people who have struggled with the same issues we now grapple with and offer us either signs of encouragement or little nuggets of wisdom.
Apart from finding my own story and place within salvation history, re-discovering a sense of the sacred has given me a renewed zest for life and a delighted appreciation for the created world.
In the book of Genesis, Esau is described as a "profane" man, one who "treated the holy as common" and sold his birthright for a bowl of lentils.
I had done the same previously when I had not understood the profundity of my identity as child of God. I gave it away and remained lost in a self-centred definition of freedom and love.
To esteem the goodness of the Creator, the beauty of His creations, and the inspired work of holy men and women have challenged me to expand my own heart and be open to the movement of the Spirit in the quotidian hum of daily living.
To be awed like a child who looks at the world with eyes of wonder and sees miracles at every turn, this is how I aspire to live life and when I succeed, I am filled with joy and inner peace. And I rest in Him.
Regaining my sense of the sacred has also enabled me to find God in all things. In the gentle breeze, in my mother's laughter, in the frustration of missing my bus and in the lonely ache of my heart.
Yes, loneliness never goes away for it is a condition of the human heart. But in the still point of prayer; in being available not just to God but to people He has surrounded me with; in being actively involved and connected in "the community of life", the gnawing ache of loneliness is lessened.
This spirituality of loneliness is one displayed most admirably by Mother Teresa who despite experiencing the absence of God in her latter years, continued to reach out and love others.
Her loneliness made her empathize with the poor and unwanted, and kept her humble in spite of her acknowledged greatness.
So loneliness need not be a dreaded foe or a destructive force that pushes us to addictive, insalubrious behaviour or unending depression.
Instead it can propel us to come out of our shell and to maybe, just maybe find God in a different way and help us build a deeper, more intimate bond with Him. We don't have to sing the blues alone.
Loneliness can be a good thing. It is all up to us to make it worthwhile, to make it good.
* Father Rolheiser's book identifies possible causes of loneliness and the different types of loneliness. He also offers a way out of being enslaved by loneliness or restlessness which I have found works. Great book - worth a read.
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