Touch

A few months ago I developed a new passion – Korean soaps. What I find so refreshing about the story lines is that the lovers wait until they are committed to each other in a ‘legitimate’ relationship before consummating their love. They touch each other’s minds and hearts first, exploring and loving the innermost being of the other with enduring depth. They build a spiritual bond of intimacy, often subsuming their own needs and desires to affirm the other with life-giving, unconditional love.

I want one of those, please. Then it hit me, I DO have a lover just like that. And He loves me so much that He even gave up His life for me. It was a startling reminder and it made the presence of Jesus so real in my life.

In today’s world of instant gratification and ‘free’ love, intimacy and sexuality have been severely circumscribed into pleasure-seeking forays of the physical. And yet, loneliness remains, keenly felt even when it’s ignored, much like the elephant in the living-room. At best, it’s all a temporary fix.

Love, of the kind that nourishes the soul and weathers the challenges of life indomitably through the passage of time, has become an increasingly rare commodity. Intimacy, the lifeblood of relationships, is desperately sought, but not found. I spent years looking for that love, and intimacy, and it was only when I focused wholeheartedly on Jesus that I found what I’ve been searching for all along.

In the process, I had to lose my life to find it for I had to let go of old perceptions, beliefs, attitudes and ideas and be reborn in Christ. Letting God lead was a paradigm shift for me and not without intense struggle. At times, even now. However, I can’t imagine how I used to live my life standing outside God’s house, riddled with fears, full of existential angst.

So, you may ask, how can I be in love or feel loved by someone who has no skin? By letting those around me to be Christ for me. By allowing the presence of Jesus to enter my world and touch me through contemplative prayer. By opening myself to the power of the Eucharist. Ron Rolheiser likens the Eucharist to God’s physical embrace or kiss. It is in that moment of receiving the Eucharist that we touch Jesus in a very radically physical way.

I am learning, every day, to embrace a new reality. The reality of a faith-seeking understanding, where the mystery of God unfolds in very concrete and unique ways in my life. Revelling in the growing intimacy of this multi-faceted relationship I am in, that nurtures my spirituality and the very essence of my femininity. Jesus is my father, my mother, my sibling, my friend, my soul-mate, my play-mate, my lover and my spouse. My all in all.

“And I will take you for my wife forever; I will take you for my wife in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy. I will take you for my wife in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord.” Hosea 2:19-20

This is a declaration of love that speaks directly to my heart – a declaration that Jesus makes to each of us, as He invites us into communion with Him.

So while I hope to one day experience the love that Ki Joo and Tae Yeong, or Jang Geum and Min Jung Ho share, I am content to sit at His feet and bask in the warm glow of His love. To touch the hem of His cloak and be touched by His healing love.

Covenant
Unbidden You came, tiptoeing in joyfully
With childlike simplicity, touched my heart deeply.
Life holds such promise, hope grows daily so freely
Perceptions alter, once touched by Your purity.
The road ahead is lit with crystal clarity
My name has been called, to service in charity,
By your grace only, Lord, I am yours, completely.

By Jackie Pau, January 2005