Letting go

Finally the 100 pages of the book were sent for colour separation last Friday evening. It was difficult for me to sign off and say, “Yes, it is ready for printing right now,” for the perfectionist in me wanted to go through all 100 pages one more time with a fine-tooth comb. Due to lack of time, I did not proofread all the pages myself through the several iterations it underwent, although more than one pair of eyes actually went over those pages. Ah, but I had to let it go and trust that the errors that remain are so insignificant that they would not be spotted by the lay reader.

For me, letting go has always been a challenge. Old clothes no longer fit to be worn. Habits or rituals I have out-grown. Relationships that have peaked and arrived in winter permanently. Things, situations, people, that I have formed an attachment to, but presently out-moded, defunct, no longer applicable in my life, and yet, I find myself still languishing in the comfort of the old and familiar, that may not necessarily be life-giving or enriching. But when I made the choice to walk in God’s ways at the end of 2003, it was a choice to do a 180, abandon the person I had been and be made new in Christ. To take up my cross and follow Him, lose my life for His sake and find it.

One of those choices I made a year ago was to let go of a relationship. In obedience to the Lord, I had stayed on another year, working towards what I thought was marriage, by mutual consent. It was not to be. It was time to let go. And so I did.

In retrospect, I can understand the value of that extra year, for I learned to walk by and in faith, and I bore the fruits of courage, spiritual depth and wisdom, blossoming into a woman who could love fully with no fear. But at the time, I was SHATTERED.

Shattered. Crushed. Into a million pieces
The day we said goodbye. Annihilated.
Ripped apart. Completely devastated.
Pain floods every cell and Death entices
My spirit into a desert of frost.
Where my heart used to beat is a black hole.
I’m undone, underground, no longer whole.
Destroyed deep inside myself - I am lost.
The dark night of my soul presides with glee
Where the future shrieks whispers diabolic
While despair and hopelessness gaily frolic
Nightmares without respite; nowhere to flee.
Will I break out from this insanity?
To thumb my nose at Life’s temerity.

A year on, I have found healing to leave the bitterness of betrayal and rejection behind me, and grow into a woman cherished, well-loved by those around me. I feel strong, beautiful and blessed. I love who I am, where I am and I give thanks, every day, for this state of grace.

Complete and utter dependence on Christ makes it easy to let go.