We recently had our cell group meeting and I was inspired by all the stories of my cell members. I gained new insights and I wish to thank every one of them for being my bread along the journey. This one’s for you:
Individuation. It’s a hefty word loaded with potential. In psychology it speaks to a transformative process, a growing awareness within a person, and a healing self-acceptance that allows the different parts of one’s psyche to integrate as a whole and thereby become something new and separate. Distinct.
It usually starts by taking the where I come from, my personal context, and celebrating it in my own way. I choose to be who I am, in the best way possible, that makes me fully alive. When I was younger, I hated the fact I was born female. I was physically weaker than my three brothers, and I was different, but not, I perceived, in a good way. I felt limited, imprisoned by my femaleness for I was born into a culture that accorded boys preferential treatment. So I denied my femininity by cutting my hair short and dressing like a boy.
Today I celebrate my feminine genius, all these wonderful qualities of what being a woman is all about. Even the not so great bits such as the hormonal craziness helps me to grow in empathy, compassion and patience - not such a bad thing. Most days I enjoy my distinctly female view of the world. I appreciate who I am created to be, the unique individual that I am; and to give thanks to the Creator, I use my feminine genius to transform the environment I move in to bring light and umami-loaded salt. As my SD is fond of telling me, I am made to bring beauty into the world, to grace the occasions of life. Yes, Father A, I hear you.
Like most families, we have our own quirks, and generational sins that come alive in a brokenness that prevents growth. I had many labels put on me as a child, and it took great effort and work to let go of those labels and decide how I wish to rewrite those labels and the negative scripts that play in my head.
I thank Jesus for being the one who helped me see my own belovedness, that no matter what I had done and where I had been, I could be the prodigal who returned to experience the unconditional, generous and unchanging love of the Father. Living now in my Father’s house, I enjoy making Him happy, and bringing His glory out into the world. I still fall, I still sin, I still hear the negative scripts in my head, but I am also able to rise above my transgressions and the lies in my head, to keep being born anew - becoming and transcending my personal history. I can move forward, unhampered by my past, and not limited by my fears, perceived and real.
And so it goes, life will never be perfect. There will be a perpetual tension in the things I want to do and the things I need to do. There will always be the need to balance, to juggle my responsibilities and still take care of me. How do I choose where I will go, and what I see and do and say? What do I have to do in order I continue to mature into this woman God created me to be, to grow into my personal identity and the name He has given me?
The one constant in my life is God, and to do His will. I know that my faithful Father will always honour my desire. So despite my shortcomings and whatever challenges, struggles I face, in spite of my own fears and normal inclinations to look out for self first, I can choose to listen to Jesus and put out into the deep. And with that one singular desire and action, my response to the Almighty will always situate me and have me living out my personal vocation in the fullest expression of love. I am set apart to bring His love to the world and stir love in others (thank you Father Michael D’Cruz). God willing, that is what I will do every single day.
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