Ever had one of those periods where your life seems to descend into chaos and your time is not your own?
This has just happened to me recently and part of it was my own fault.
It began innocently enough, the writing of my module one paper. The incipient tiredness that invaded my body after, and the need to reward myself after working so industriously (never mind that this last-minute, late-night rush could have been avoided) caused me to spiral into late-night watching of mindless drivel that passes off as entertainment.
While my schedule did not help for I suddenly had many useless blocks of free time in between classes and ended up leaving the house early and coming home late, I allowed time to slip away and felt the emptier for it. Physically exhausted and spiritually depleted.
Not everything I did was meaningless for it's easy to apportion time for others and for tasks that need to be done, but I left the welfare of me and myself out.
As I spent time living very much in the future, planning my next hour and rushing from place to place, I ignored my screaming muscles that protested my misuse and neglect of them.
I suppose I could say that the grace of getting older is that the body no longer allows such ill treatment for a protracted period of time, and so I have begun my climb out of this quicksand of brain-dead inactivity. More like forced to move.
Father David said that Singapore is one of the most utilitarian bent cities he has ever lived in: we value things according to their function. I have to agree.
As women are naturally inclined and socially reinforced to be nurturing and giving, we often place others above ourselves to the extent of self-neglect. This inclination, coupled with the value we place here on achievement can be deadly.
We often think that I am worthless if I do not show how giving I am by making someone feel better, by organizing an outing, by accomplishing... we are constantly out there from the get go and doing, doing, doing.
I think I have failed quite miserably this Lent from fasting from this need to do and to show how much I am worth based on my "useful" activity.
And so I resolve to make the latter half of Lent a time of moderation and a time for prayer - not because I have to, but because it will be doing something that is as fundamental as breathing to stay alive.
Not prayer for the sake of gaining heaven brownie points or for the desired outcome of inner serenity, but prayer because I am made to contemplate my love, gratitude and joy of being simply alive.
Thank goodness for Lent. I just have to make it real now.
This has just happened to me recently and part of it was my own fault.
It began innocently enough, the writing of my module one paper. The incipient tiredness that invaded my body after, and the need to reward myself after working so industriously (never mind that this last-minute, late-night rush could have been avoided) caused me to spiral into late-night watching of mindless drivel that passes off as entertainment.
While my schedule did not help for I suddenly had many useless blocks of free time in between classes and ended up leaving the house early and coming home late, I allowed time to slip away and felt the emptier for it. Physically exhausted and spiritually depleted.
Not everything I did was meaningless for it's easy to apportion time for others and for tasks that need to be done, but I left the welfare of me and myself out.
As I spent time living very much in the future, planning my next hour and rushing from place to place, I ignored my screaming muscles that protested my misuse and neglect of them.
I suppose I could say that the grace of getting older is that the body no longer allows such ill treatment for a protracted period of time, and so I have begun my climb out of this quicksand of brain-dead inactivity. More like forced to move.
Father David said that Singapore is one of the most utilitarian bent cities he has ever lived in: we value things according to their function. I have to agree.
As women are naturally inclined and socially reinforced to be nurturing and giving, we often place others above ourselves to the extent of self-neglect. This inclination, coupled with the value we place here on achievement can be deadly.
We often think that I am worthless if I do not show how giving I am by making someone feel better, by organizing an outing, by accomplishing... we are constantly out there from the get go and doing, doing, doing.
I think I have failed quite miserably this Lent from fasting from this need to do and to show how much I am worth based on my "useful" activity.
And so I resolve to make the latter half of Lent a time of moderation and a time for prayer - not because I have to, but because it will be doing something that is as fundamental as breathing to stay alive.
Not prayer for the sake of gaining heaven brownie points or for the desired outcome of inner serenity, but prayer because I am made to contemplate my love, gratitude and joy of being simply alive.
Thank goodness for Lent. I just have to make it real now.
1 comment:
Dear JP,
Your blog entry spoke to me a lot as I felt these thoughts of "being so task-oriented" came to me this week.
God reminded me it's all about relationship- I am learning to what it means to "waste time" with God and my loved ones! Not an easy "task"! Thanks for sharing :)
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