Praying power

There is an apocryphal quote: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I can identify with this insanity more commonly known as being stubborn, or what the Bible calls hardness of heart. 

We can be like Pharoah, who simply refused to let Moses and the Israelites go despite wave after wave of plagues that devastated the land. Every time he bargained with Moses and the situation improved, he reneged on his promise. 

For years I refused to turn back to God going after my own idea of romantic love, chronically suffering from either deprivation or spiritual indigestion due to its improper nature. It was pure insanity to latch on to relationships that would never end well and resulted in addictive behaviour and low self-esteem. 

Snapping out of this endless cycle of bashing my head against the wall was pure grace. God never got tired of looking out for me and calling me to journey home to a truth, a beauty and a goodness that was found in Him, and was actually what I was looking for all that time. 

Having entrusted my life wholly to Him since 2003, I now spend my days doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting the different results He wills in my life. I pray; not just every morning or every evening, but many times in between. I have a running conversation with Him, constantly measuring my actions against the Jesus standard (a.k.a. What would Jesus do?).

I ask for the Holy Spirit to lead me after asking for the openness to hear His inspirations and then follow through with action. He is my action guru. 

I seek for the Father’s protection from my own foolish inclinations, knowing what I perceive or feel like doing is often not objective or intrinsically good. 

Yesterday N received the Primary One ballot results for C. She got in despite there being only 86 spots available versus 117 applications. As spots would first be given to applicants residing within a two-kilometre radius from the school, C’s chances of getting in were, as N put it, terrible. 

Throwback to a year ago when N made known her desire to have C attend her alma mater, P and I began praying for this. Along the way I also began to pray for E as her mother, J, had the same desire of seeing her daughter attend her old school. 

While P and I thought St Nick’s was the right school choice, and prayed for this outcome, we also prayed that this outcome was what God willed as the right one for both little girls, C and E. 

Praying (and fasting at times) this same intercessory prayer for a year might seem like insanity, if not merely futile, but we never got tired of offering up to the Lord our desires and plans. 

Certainly there were moments of doubt, but there were also moments of pure peace, knowing it would happen as God would provide. I even told C a year ago she was going to St Nick’s for this sat well within me (of course I was not 100 percent sure if this certainty came from me alone or was divine inspired). 

P received confirmation of a successful ballot on Pentecost while I received mine early yesterday morning when I saw C and E rocking the white top and blue pinafore as I prayed. 

In all this, I thank God. I cannot begin to describe how I felt when I received the news of the successful ballot from N. I was mega in awe, super grateful and I just wanted to hug everyone I met yesterday. 

An insight that came to me in all this is one connected to mission. P and I were talking about mission and while his exercised gifts are so widely acknowledged and far-reaching, I like that mine are more invisible, barely discernible, yet equally vital. 

Both P and I know exactly what and where are our mission fields even as our landscapes constantly shift. We both also know that our yeses will give rise to sacrifice (Herculean at times) and to doing the same thing over and over again without flagging in zeal and passion. 

Oftentimes the work, or should I say, our efforts, may not seem worthwhile, and self-doubt may creep in, we both know, saying yes to God with the same level of faith is an act of will, a daily process, a constant renewal of our baptismal office, and one which will yield different results in ways we never imagined possible. 

And I hold fast to 2 Thessalonians 3:13: Brothers and sisters, do not be weary in doing what is right.

Entrusting

Entrust is not a verb much used in conversation, and yet, over the weekend I heard it used twice by different people meaningfully. First, during our Sunday community meeting, Karen raised up JP2’s article written in early 1994: A Meditation on Givenness where he expounds on gift and entrustment. 

‘God has given you to me.’ This is true of every person God has placed in my life: parents, siblings, spouse, children…so on and so forth. Every person I know is a gift, a gift to be treasured. I need to recognize the value of each gift for as JP2 writes: 

…to entrust means God believes in you, trusts that you are capable of receiving the gift, trusts that you are capable of embracing it with your heart, that you have the capacity to respond to it with the gift of yourself. Honour and respect are due to each person I meet and know, whether friend or foe. The question is how have I treated those entrusted to me? Am I intentional in being as ‘loving’ as I can be? Na-ah, I could do so much better. And I fail most times, especially with those closest to me. 

 That evening I went home and P and I began the Catechism of the Catholic Church in a Year with Fr Mike Schmitz, yet another JP2 initiative (the CCC ie). Now you get why JP2 is my hero. Anyways, we were listening to Jeff Cavins on Day 3 and here it was again, the word entrust. 

This was in relation to the obedience of faith which has two parts: intellectual assent and a personal entrusting of yourself to that truth. This is biblical faith, a faith that requires both words and action. I believe and I respond. It is not a passive faith to which we pay mere lip service, or one which is compartmentalized. It has to be lived out in all areas of our life, in every waking moment. We do not snooze just because no one is looking. 

As A put it, when she is obliged to carry out a task she is not keen on, she does it willingly and cheerfully as her “sacrifice of love”. She is a generous giver for she has fully entrusted her life to the Lord. I have a lot to learn from her for I am not exactly the cheerful giver she is. 

Aside from how we live our life going about our day with an active faith, Cavins encouraged us to entrust ourselves especially when we are praying articles of our faith such as the Creed. He says: “And if you entrust your life to that, every part of that Creed, you're going to live differently.” 

It not just a recitation which I go through because I am at mass, but it’s an opportunity to say hey God, I believe in you and I entrust my life to you in all these ways, and in an active manner, no matter how I am feeling right now, whether I am in crisis or thanksgiving mode. I believe in you and I know what’s happening right now is not the be all and end all of my life. 

 Entrusting goes beyond surrender which does not always come from a choice position. Entrust implies a deep faith, a I am willing to bet my life on this act of trust because I know you love me and I KNOW you would never harm me. Let it, life, your will, be done unto me. I will entrust and not go it alone by myself.

So today, I entrust my life to the Lord, knowing He loves me and I desire to love Him back with a more proportionate level of passion and devotion. And I will try my best to nurture those whom He has entrusted to me, loving them the way He loves them. With this act of entrustment, may my prayers gain more power and vibrancy. 

May your prayers, and your life be enriched with entrusting the Lord.

Sixty-one reasons to be grateful

Never have I felt so old as I have these last six months of being 60. My failing eyesight, coupled with woolly-headedness brought upon by lack of sleep, age and stress have caused me to make some errors that have been financially significant. Then there is the constant battle with pain from insisting on exercise and physical activities my body protests very loudly against. 

I am fighting a growing laundry list of limitations and an interior struggle to deal with all these unwelcome changes. And yet, despite all this, the one thing I have not stopped feeling is gratitude. 

So here’s to celebrating my 61st revolution around the sun with a gratitude list. In no particular order, I am grateful:

1. To be alive, breathing and walking on my own, relatively sound of mind and body.
2. For my life - where I came from, and what I have made of it thus far. It may not look like much but it is good enough for Him and me.
3. For every screwup that has given me insight and taught me not to go there again.
4. For God, my loving Father and generous provider.
5. For Jesus, my delightful Bridegroom.
6. For the Holy Spirit who inspires me to goodness.
7. For Mother Mary, my role model.
8. For Saint Joseph, my hero, the silent doer.
9. For my guardian angel who never fails to guide me back to God.
10. For the community of saints, both living and dead, who have helped mould and shape me into God’s image and likeness. 
11. For family - the good, the bad and the ugly. Tyvm.
12. For the virtues of faith, hope and love, so necessary in navigating life and eternal life.
13. For good friends who embraced me even when they didn’t understand what I was about.
14. That I am an evolved feeler (thanks Ams for the compliment).
15. For all my spiritual guides who nudged me back onto the narrow path.
16. For a sense of humour that saves me from taking myself too seriously, and from pride or despair. 
17. For a tender heart that moves me to go beyond myself.
18. For marriage and motherhood - a vocation that came late in life; one I will be always amazed is mine.
19. For the Sacraments, which ARE everything.
20. For my father who taught me how to be loyal, hardworking and responsible.
21. For my mother who schools me in gentleness, compassionate acceptance and perseverance.
22. For brothers who taught me girls are meant to be kickass tough, not prissy princesses.
23. For my gem of a husband who makes me laugh even as he irritates me -a rare gift. I have to admit I catch myself laughing at times when I think back on his silliness.
24. For children who are sweet, generous, and simply good peeps.
25. For grandchildren who evoke such tenderness and joy within me.
26. For ministries and communities that have helped me grow spiritually, especially the ICPE Mission.
27. To be able to enjoy and find meaning in what I do for a living. I love my job!
28. For the gift of writing, my super power.
29. For cousins, the ones who got me when my siblings didn’t, and those who had my back. 
30. For Christmas tree worms and pgymy seahorses.
31. For pain that gives me a wealth of insight, and makes me a better teacher.
32. For the Word of God, the Bible that expounds  the Way, the Truth and the Life so fully.
33. For intuition that enriches my thinking and guides my actions. 
34. That beauty just makes my heart sing.
35. For music that makes me want to dance.
36. For inner peace, and joy, that comes from following Him and trusting Him every step of the way.
37. For an adventurous palate that has been rewarded amply.
38. For the beatitudes, especially #6.
39. For the love of gardens and what they mean to me. Thanks Mama.
40. For ice cream and J’s ice cream face.
41. For grandfathers who inculcated the love of reading; Classic comics, gumnuts and blossoms - I inhaled them all. 
42. For the Roman Catholic Church, lock, stock and barrel. So imperfectly perfect!
43. For flowers - every bloom is like a Hi there from the Creator. 
44. To be able to find myself in the sincere gift of self.  (Gaudium etc Spes, paragraph 24)
45. For inheriting my grandmother’s common sense and her folk remedies.
46. For P’s love for me.
47. That I can cook.  
48. For Hawaii and all things Hawaiian: flower leis, the aloha spirit, lomi lomi salmon, hula and spam musubi.
49. That I can hold things lightly in my hands.
50. For JP2 and his Theology of the Body
51. For my physiotherapist Elaine.
52. I mastered (and can again with some practice)  Ahi Wela on my ukulele. 
53. That I have someone in my life who is as crazy as I am about saints and shrines, and all things Catholic. 
54. I no longer sweat the small stuff or fuss over irrelevant details (well, not for long).
55. I can forgive myself, and others.
56. That I know who I am and what I’m worth - precious, priceless and wonderfully made.
57. For the treasure of divine wisdom: pure; then peace-loving,considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. (James 3:17)
58. For the ability to speak truths that are eventually received well. 
59. That I am redeemed: forgiven much, loved much, can love much.
60. For the transformative power of prayer; making possible the impossible.
61. I get to wake up tomorrow and do it all again; hopefully better than yesterday.

My journey of life continues.