Resting in Him

Can one be in a place of consolation and desolation at the same time? I’d like to think that there is where I am right now. While I can see all the goodness of God in my life, how He places His hand of protection over me in inexplicable ways, and I can experience gratitude and joy from all the little and plentiful miracles showered on me, I am in a funk, no mistake about it, and it shows.

I am highly irritable, some of which can be attributed to lack of sleep, but mostly, I feel within me a lack of patience which breeds a lack of compassion and understanding. I am snappy and quite disagreeable. I find myself highly irritating, for there is this perpetually sour and crabby person within me, who is highly critical and cannot shut up. I am unsure if I can ever shut her down, and I fear that she will get the better of my intentions to be a likeable, lovable person whom people gravitate towards as I endeavour to be more Christ-like.

It is at times like these that I desperately miss E, who would always know what to say to challenge me and put fresh heart into me. She had this rare ability of channelling the Father’s needed mercy that brought relief and healing to my weary and broken interior, and this made me whole again, willing and able to continue the journey of being God’s broken healer to the world. The Spirit would give her the words to put a finger on what was wrong and what needed to be repented and renewed. Or rather you would be made aware of it yourself, for change can only come from self-awareness and self-acceptance, plus the willingness to want to be transformed, to change.

Of course I am aware that Jesus, the Holy Spirit, is the ultimate Counselor and Healer, and I have direct recourse to Him, but I just miss hearing His voice through E. My SD just asked me if I was lonely, and I replied, I am, I am lonely for her love, her friendship, her companionship and gentle guidance. I don’t often articulate this thought, but I guess the conference in KL really brought this to the fore. I kept meeting people who knew her and loved her, and they shared stories of how she transformed their lives. Dammit, I want her to continue transforming my life, as she did in the past. I need her to see the best of me when I am unable to see it myself, and to articulate it to me, which she did so well, so that I know I am on the right path. There isn’t anyone who can receive me the way she did, and give to me the love I need, as she did. And I know she is missed in this respect by many in my community for how she loved each and every one of us in the way we needed to be loved.

And so I go for reconciliation more frequently and I can only pray that that I learn to receive the love of the Lord more through the people and situations of my everyday life. SD reminded me that we don’t just hear His voice when we are deep in prayer, but it is in the mundane and banal details of our lives.

I can also continue to hope that it will not be such a colossal struggle to acquire the virtue of gentleness, I look forward to the day that it will be second nature to me and I don’t have to power through the inner processes of weeding out the uncharitable, ungracious, hateful thoughts that surface so readily. SD also reminded me to let go of my burdens and to take on Christ’s yoke and burden which are easy and light respectively. Silly me for trying to go it alone. I will give desolation a rest today and simply rest in Him.