I managed to pass my Pilates practical exam yesterday and I am over the beautiful haze-enhanced moon (we have been having a haze problem in Southeast Asia). I was initially berating myself for forgetting a couple of things (unforgivable to me) but my mother put it into perspective for me with a simple Be satisfied! She was right, of course, given that I have been panicked and jittery this last month and practically had a meltdown early afternoon before my exam.
It's not that I cannot teach but having to remember exercise flowcharts are the worst thing on earth for the unstructured me who also happens to suffer from perimenopausal brain cloud.
How was I going to plan and teach a holistic programme specifically designed for a "client" I will meet for the first time, using these charts and also keep track of the requisite number of exercises I had to teach on seven pieces of equipment, using multiple props?
As recent as last Friday's practice session, I thought I was doomed. When I complained to J that the devil was in the detail, she corrected me by saying God is in the detail.
With that she reminded me that any task worth doing is one that requires single-minded devotion. It also highlighted to me how God has literally taken care of me these last weeks, down to the most minute detail.
First, I had enough work the previous month so that my skeletal work schedule this month did not adversely affect my bank account. Then He took care of my study schedule by providing me with time to study: clients just disappeared on vacation and for any number of reasons, all of which I happily accepted.
He found me a study mate, sent me a bunch of cheerleaders and even provided a place to practise in peace. Then He sent me personal messages of encouragement through the Divine Office and the lectionary daily.
Most significant has been my ability not to give in to a real and deep despair and give up completely. I have been assailed with immense fear every day for the last month. A spirit of overpowering negativity has shrouded this entire endeavour.
However, I have refused to give in to it and have instead left it all on the Lord's doorstep as I pressed on grimly with the task at hand. I prayed through the self-doubt, the apprehension, and even the nightmares that portended failure.
I have been buoyed by the prayers of all my friends and relatives as I shamelessly asked them all to pray for me. I thank all of them for every prayer has helped me through this crazy period.
That my memory kicked in at the right times is nothing short of miraculous. That my programming was sound (earning praise even) is due in no small part to the wisdom of the Spirit (I wisely put thought into devising one after mass on Sunday).
I feel like a classic case of biblical hyperbole where women beyond childbearing years were blessed with children as Elizabeth who bore Saint John the Baptist was, whose Nativity we incidentally celebrated yesterday.
The reading from Jeremiah was especially for me:
In the days of King Josiah, the word of the LORD came to me, saying:
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I dedicated you,
a prophet to the nations I appointed you.
“Ah, Lord GOD!” I said,
“I know not how to speak; I am too young.”
But the LORD answered me,
Say not, “I am too young.”
To whomever I send you, you shall go;
whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Have no fear before them,
because I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD.
Then the LORD extended his hand and touched my mouth, saying,
See, I place my words in your mouth!
That was, for me, a benediction and kept me from a massive pre-exam anxiety attack. There was so much adrenaline in my system that I developed a tension headache post-exam and could not sleep last night despite downing beer, that was how consumed by fear I was.
I now have my theory paper to sit for this coming Sunday and while it is another test of my memory, it is not as formidable as the practical. I will continue to do my part these remaining days and I want to praise God for His planning.
C'est vrai, le bon Dieu est dans le detail!
It's not that I cannot teach but having to remember exercise flowcharts are the worst thing on earth for the unstructured me who also happens to suffer from perimenopausal brain cloud.
How was I going to plan and teach a holistic programme specifically designed for a "client" I will meet for the first time, using these charts and also keep track of the requisite number of exercises I had to teach on seven pieces of equipment, using multiple props?
As recent as last Friday's practice session, I thought I was doomed. When I complained to J that the devil was in the detail, she corrected me by saying God is in the detail.
With that she reminded me that any task worth doing is one that requires single-minded devotion. It also highlighted to me how God has literally taken care of me these last weeks, down to the most minute detail.
First, I had enough work the previous month so that my skeletal work schedule this month did not adversely affect my bank account. Then He took care of my study schedule by providing me with time to study: clients just disappeared on vacation and for any number of reasons, all of which I happily accepted.
He found me a study mate, sent me a bunch of cheerleaders and even provided a place to practise in peace. Then He sent me personal messages of encouragement through the Divine Office and the lectionary daily.
Most significant has been my ability not to give in to a real and deep despair and give up completely. I have been assailed with immense fear every day for the last month. A spirit of overpowering negativity has shrouded this entire endeavour.
However, I have refused to give in to it and have instead left it all on the Lord's doorstep as I pressed on grimly with the task at hand. I prayed through the self-doubt, the apprehension, and even the nightmares that portended failure.
I have been buoyed by the prayers of all my friends and relatives as I shamelessly asked them all to pray for me. I thank all of them for every prayer has helped me through this crazy period.
That my memory kicked in at the right times is nothing short of miraculous. That my programming was sound (earning praise even) is due in no small part to the wisdom of the Spirit (I wisely put thought into devising one after mass on Sunday).
I feel like a classic case of biblical hyperbole where women beyond childbearing years were blessed with children as Elizabeth who bore Saint John the Baptist was, whose Nativity we incidentally celebrated yesterday.
The reading from Jeremiah was especially for me:
In the days of King Josiah, the word of the LORD came to me, saying:
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I dedicated you,
a prophet to the nations I appointed you.
“Ah, Lord GOD!” I said,
“I know not how to speak; I am too young.”
But the LORD answered me,
Say not, “I am too young.”
To whomever I send you, you shall go;
whatever I command you, you shall speak.
Have no fear before them,
because I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD.
Then the LORD extended his hand and touched my mouth, saying,
See, I place my words in your mouth!
That was, for me, a benediction and kept me from a massive pre-exam anxiety attack. There was so much adrenaline in my system that I developed a tension headache post-exam and could not sleep last night despite downing beer, that was how consumed by fear I was.
I now have my theory paper to sit for this coming Sunday and while it is another test of my memory, it is not as formidable as the practical. I will continue to do my part these remaining days and I want to praise God for His planning.
C'est vrai, le bon Dieu est dans le detail!
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