Modelling Anna

Healing takes time. So I discovered when I was grieving the loss of my father, and when I parted with my last boyfriend.

I remember wishing I could fast forward to six months later and skip the unavoidable, incredible pain and the copious tears.

I also remember that after I had struggled passed that six-month mark, everything was indeed better. Not as far along the grieving process as I might have wished, but bearable. I was alive and the sun was shining.

Then I wished for the next six months to disappear in a flash. And the next six, and the next six.

Here I am again wishing I could fast forward the next five months. It's been over a month since the surgery and while I have progressed a great deal in terms of healing, I am not where I want to be.

It's exasperating to still feel pain and tire so easily. To be limited in living as I used to, unable to move and challenge my body in ways that make me feel alive and good about myself.

J. and E. keep warning me this is the dangerous period where I think I can but I actually can't, and when I realize I can't, it would be too late. I know they are right but it's difficult for me - like asking a child to walk and not run when she spots the ocean for the first time.

My fear is that I will never be the same again, strength and flexibility wise, and I am not liking it, this potential loss, but knowing that I will work through it, as I have in more devastating instances.

Loss is something we experience on a daily basis. Some easier to accept (like the loss of millions of cells each second) than others that require a lengthy process of healing.

Sometimes what is lost is permanent, marking significant change in our lives. But these are the losses that are the most transformational and can be the most enriching. Given time.

The healing process of grieving the loss, asking the why questions and at times crafting answers where there are none is labourious and protracted.

For the challenge lies in living meaningfully with great courage, hope, fortitude and integrity in the aftermath of deep loss, whether we are as yet successful in shaking free the shackles of heartbreak, anger and bitterness.

Even though my current loss is mostly temporary and physical, I still wait on the ultimate Healer to heal, and to lead me through the changeable and tempestuous winds of life.

When I get impatient or disheartened, as I am wont to, I look to Anna, who faithfully fasted and prayed, living in the temple until she finally gets to see the Messiah baby in her twilight years.

Her quiet heroism inspires me. Her determination to praise and glorify God night and day in the confines of her seemingly bleak and interminable years of widowhood displays unlimited trust. True faith.

So I continue to wait. To heal in time. But as I wait, I can still serve and worship.

Just like Anna.


NB: Last Friday, D. shared this beautiful song by John Waller While I'm Waiting that says it all -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XazqArchgR8&feature=related