Falling in love again

It was a joy and privilege to have Silvana Abela spend an evening with us last Wednesday on her way back to Mannheim. We had dinner followed by an informal sharing by Silvana who spoke of things that she was inspired by the Spirit to reveal to us. She reminisced of the first time she fell in love with Jesus at an ICPE School and now she gave her life completely to the Lord.

Before this moment, she already had a vocation as a nun which meant she had an existing faith journey, but she was now called to a new radicality, to step out of the boat and walk on water. Silvana shared that in the initial honeymoon phase, all things were possible for she was so in love with Christ and His people, the whole world, that she was open to go wherever He wanted her to go. She was malleable and formable. She was now not only a missionary (a vocation she said yes to as a religious), but she was a missionary disciple, a person who follows Jesus, and does whatever He tells her.

When I think back on my own encounter with Jesus, the moment I drank the living water He offered me, I can relate to what Silvana speaks of, the deep joy, peace, and abandonment to a love that satisfies completely. It is ironic that she calls it the honeymoon phase for it is not what the world usually defines honeymoon. By definition, the honeymoon is a holiday undertaken by a newly married couple and it infers a romantic and joyous time, a period of deep bonding as one, snapshots of beautiful moments filled with frivolity and laughter.

In that definitive moment I said yes to Jesus, I knew it was the right thing for me although the yes was going to be the beginning of a very painful and confusing period in my life. I said yes to sanctification; and making holy what has been unholy for years is excruciating, difficult, filled with great internal struggle and requires unbelievable discipline and perseverance.

Father Hung spoke of what is required for a successful retreat, openness and courage, a generosity of spirit on our part so that God can reveal to us the truth of how much He loves us and what He wants for us. What he suggested as necessary for a good retreat is really what is required for the life of someone who wants to follow Jesus. A disciple.

So why did I continue to say to Jesus all these years when it has been such a difficult journey, when I have had to be humbled again and again, to die to self in so many ways, to experience privation, persecution and alienation? Why did I allow the vine dresser to train me and prune me? Why did I allow myself to depend on God so completely, to give Him complete control of my life when I am such a control freak?

I have only one answer: He is my Lord and my God. When I put my hand on His wound, like Thomas, I knew how unworthy and undeserving I was to be saved and yet, He loves me with such depth, purity and true generosity that I cannot help myself but say yes. And it has also been an awesome, joyful, grace-filled journey despite the hardships and travails.

As we all know, the honeymoon phase does not last. We lose our zeal, we become fat and complacent, we even fall out of love, we can become bitter and angry and contract again into our natural selfish and stubborn ways. Life will always hurl itself at us and hit us where it hurts, knock us down and distract us away from God. So how do we regain this disposition of being in love teachable every day?

Silvana spoke of prayer, as defined by the Catechism of the Catholic Church in paragraph 2560:

"If you knew the gift of God!" The wonder of prayer is revealed beside the well where we come seeking water: there, Christ comes to meet every human being. It is he who first seeks us and asks us for a drink. Jesus thirsts; his asking arises from the depths of God's desire for us. Whether we realize it or not, prayer is the encounter of God's thirst with ours. God thirsts that we may thirst for him.

I relate very much to the woman at the well for it was in encountering the thirsty Jesus that I came to understand my own thirst and what it took to quench it. So all these years I have allowed my subsequent and frequent meetings with Jesus to nourish me and keep me satisfied. But He thirsts for me to have an even deeper relationship with Him, to experience even greater joy, a joy that can only be found in marriage. And so, here I am, falling in love with Jesus all over again by falling in love with P and saying yes to marrying him.

It is the scariest undertaking of my life, and  I see myself entering another honeymoon phase of crazy highs and lows, but it is irresistible, and when all is said and done, I am a fool for love. I look forward to knowing the gift of God more and more in P, even as I slake my thirst by resting in His word even more frequently. 

Revealing beauty

N shared this with me recently that living honestly will lead to vulnerability which is all about authenticity and beauty in relationships. This weekend past, P and I were at a Couple Retreat facilitated by Father Pham Hung Trung at Kingsmead Centre For Ignatian Spirituality & Counselling and it was an opportunity for P and I to share honestly, taking off the masks we normally wear to protect ourselves.

Although the retreat was more for married couples, I felt that P and I gained a lot just by being among three other Christian couples who clearly loved and respected their respective spouses despite the challenges of marriage, and sought the good of the other sincerely. I was inspired and encouraged by their journeys and how each couple surrendered their lives to Christ in living out the vocation of marriage. It was by no means easy, there was struggle, conflict, deep hurt inflicted, but alongside was the desire to stay true to the marital covenant, and that made all the difference.

While P and I have yet to delve so deeply into the bowels of married life, I gained insight and learned how much my anxieties and fears needed to be shared with P, to allow him to respond. I also discovered just how much P loved me and I felt very blessed to know that this man will soon be my husband.

The mask-making was a fun exercise in itself and when we later removed our masks to explore the naked contours of the other's face, there was such grace in the time we spent caressing the other's cheeks, forehead, nose, chin and mouth tenderly. Every touch was a declaration of love, a blessing we bestowed on our beloved. Perhaps the most powerful thing P and I have done as a couple was the celebration of the Eucharist this afternoon, followed by the renewal of marital vows by the others, which for P and myself, became the opportunity to exchange personalized pre-nuptial vows.

Heartfelt words declared in the presence of Christ and others become powerful truths that bless and protect the relationship. I can see why it is important to celebrate the wedding day by inviting friends and family to be present and witness the permanent bonding of a couple who then become an icon of God's faithful, total and unconditional love. We later took turns to bless each couple present by praying for them, yet another rich experience filled with the Spirit of God.

Although we know we love each other and we have opportunity in our day-to-day living to express our love for the other, we typically, as a couple, do not avail ourselves of the opportunities to do so, focused as we are usually on the practicalities of life and its pressing issues that often distract us and require our attention and energy. Thus, it is nice to set aside time specially to have couple time, and to also include God in a special way in our couple time.

Whenever we open ourselves to receiving Jesus in our hearts, He will honour the invitation by entering into the deepest places, shedding the light of His love to transform and empower us. It was fitting that this was a Jesuit-run retreat for I managed to see God in all things and situations, even the first morning when P had to be somewhere else and I was initially dismayed but put on my supportive game face. My learning lesson was that things will never go as planned but if I opt to be loving, setting aside my own fears and choose to surrender the undesired change with graciousness, then I will be doubly blessed, and I was, so was P. It cannot get better than that.

As P and I continue to walk towards marriage, I hold the experience of this retreat in my memory as a milestone in a deeper understanding of who we are individually and as a couple; in growing bonds of intimacy so necessary for a strong marriage; and I walk away with a sense of gratitude and excitement for the adventure ahead. I understand P a little better and I have a clearer sense of how to make him happy, which I so desire but am often clueless as to how to communicate this desire effectively in concrete terms.

E shared something about his mission at our last ICPE Companions outreach which I thought profound, that as husband and father he needed to ensure that his wife and children get to heaven. I view my mission with the same seriousness and I hope that I will bring love, joy, pleasure and lots of laughter in my newly defined role, thereby creating heaven on earth, and making the journey to heaven one filled with authenticity and beauty.

Identifying THE one

W asked me, how do you know that P is THE one? I suppose we all seek for formulae or prescriptions when looking for love, especially when it comes to the ultimate expression of love between man and woman, the permanent bond of marriage.  As I tried my best to explain, I realize that my answer although part rational, part practical, part intuitive, also had a huge spiritual component to it, and, ultimately had an element of blind faith. Any marriage is a leap of faith no matter how the couple arrive at the altar, and it requires many more leaps of faith to keep it going strong, especially when the relationship encounters the troughs that it will.

I recently read an article that debunked the idea God chose our mates for us for it would mean we could not exercise the gift of freedom and that we would discount love in the decision, among the many reasons. I smiled when I read this for whether or not we agree God chooses someone for each of us, it is not as clear cut as all that.

When I initially realized that P could be the one that God has placed before me as husband material, the romantic in me rebelled against the idea that we, as a couple, out of obedience to God, would marry. It was too clinical. P was dead sure and while it was nice to be pursued by a man who knew what and who he wanted, I did not want to be the one he chose just because the Father said I chose her for you. He needed to choose me for himself, and I, him. I liked the idea of God being our matchmaker for it gave me such reassurance, and yet, where is my freedom in all this, where is the romance?  Here is also why men will never understand women, we like to complicate things.

P commented to me last night, the Lord can be mischievous, and he's right. As we got to know each other better, as we prayed individually for our own signs to confirm that the relationship was right, as we remained biddable to His promptings, He did a number on us, we fell in love, a dangerous (love being blind), but I'd like to think necessary state of being as we journey toward marriage.

I like many things about P. In many areas we are compatible, similar. We also have the same goals and aspirations, we are guided by the same principles in life, and what we want for our life together is to joyfully consecrate our lives to Jesus. So marriage is a choice we have arrived at freely. Even though we know Jesus, through His mother, has been instrumental in bringing us together, we have counted the costs, we know each other's weaknesses, our differences, and we clearly see the obstacles ahead. And, we still say yes to each other. We have grown to love each other, and we trust that in Christ, we will always find our way in our walk of life together.

So how do I know P is the one? When I 'see' him, the essence of the man he is, he strikes a tender chord within me. He moves me and evokes a profound response in me, a deep calling unto deep that I struggle to put into words. To put it simply, I love him for the flawed, broken, imperfect man he is, the one who still tries hard to be good every day, the man after God's own heart, who moves in His Spirit. What's more, he makes me smile. He makes me laugh.

In practical terms I know that P is the one because he loves and respects me for who I am and what I stand for. He gives me the freedom and space to breathe and grow. He does not try to change me and he supports me in all my endeavours. I, of course, try to reciprocate fully. We both want what is best for the other and we are happy to make the necessary sacrifices for each other's well-being. We do not use each other, and we take delight in the other's presence. Love for the long haul must be honest, truthful, unselfish, generous, self-giving, forgiving, caring and nurturing. If a man cannot be all this, especially in the initial stages of the relationship, best walk away. He is probably not the one. It is as simple as that.  Hope this helps, W. 

Letting Him in

I have just spent an entire week mourning a decision I had to make recently. Prior to that I was living in denial for I refused to give up what I perceived as very dear to me and I feared, still fear, that in giving it up, it may change me for the worse. But of course when I finally took it in prayer, I knew what it was that I needed to do. It would seem like too great a price to let go, and yet, it is only in letting go that the promises of Christ can be fulfilled in my life. And so, day by day, I relinquish control, my security, my comfort level and my happiness, into His hands.

I am standing outside the door of your heart, knocking*
Won't you let me in?
I bring only the joy you have longed for
Your entire life
The deep union of when two become one.
I know that you have been hurt before, and yes,
It is risky, and it will be painful
But it will also be the making of you.
You will grow and you will enjoy the fruit
You will labour to bring forth,
Delicious, fragrant globes of goodness
All can enjoy.
You have to put out into the deep. Trust.
Open the door and let the light flood in.
Be bold, be brave, do not be afraid,
Let me in. 

* Inspired by Revelations 3:20

Living essentially

P made this comment to me yesterday, that it must have been very difficult for me to walk away from corporate life and all its financial comforts given how I do like nice things, or should I say I like things that usually cost a pretty penny (I have this uncanny knack of liking and picking out the most expensive merchandise in any shop I walk into).

I smiled inwardly. Actually it was, is, not as difficult as he thinks. I have never been into prestige or symbols of wealth even though I do appreciate quality and good design. What's more, I do not have the need to possess everything I like, I am quite happy to live vicariously, admiring what others have - C's Kelly and Birkin bags, AS's magnificent jewellery or S's Porsche - occasionally benefitting from it myself (it's nice to ride in S's "small" car from time to time).

Very early on in life I came to the conclusion that things do not make me happy, it's people, relationships, and most of all, being in right relationship with God, that matters. So while the lean years that followed my decision to leave the corporate world were not easy ones, I gained in many other ways and I was content with what I had. I experienced divine providence many times over and I could express great wonder and gratitude at how the Lord provided for me through the people around me. I can truly say I have good friends and relatives, who are very loving and generous with me. I wanted for nothing in those financially straitened years, and even now, I consider myself very blessed.

In today's Gospel from Luke 12:13-21 we are reminded not to let avarice lead us to storing up treasures for ourselves but to work on getting rich in the eyes of God. Father Bosco cautioned against conscious and unconscious attachments to material wealth, power, status or acclaim, anything that leads us away from God. He stressed that we strive to look for what is essential in life and prioritize accordingly.

What is essential is often much less than we think. I would say I have been given the grace to learn to live essentially these past years. Food, shelter and love, these are my essentials, and I rely on God to provide all three. I cut my cloth according to what I receive, and so if I cannot afford it, I do without it for my happiness is not predicated on material possessions. Furthermore, it should not matter to the people I call friends if I dress simply, and we eat out at cheaper places when I buy lunch.

My dignity and self-worth do not depend on external accoutrements to puff it up. In my Father's eyes, I am precious and beautiful naked. His is the only approval I seek, His plan for me is the only one I do my best to execute, knowing that it is in His plan that my fulfilment and happiness lie.

My last 13 years are a testament to living essentially for the Lord in all areas (I try) of my life. To do whatever He tells me. Total obedience is never easy when one is as strong willed as I am, so it's a good thing I spend a lot of time listening in prayer and have, over the years, developed a sensitivity to the movements of the Spirit in my heart.

My riches in God come from doing what He created me to do, by pursuing my passions, and living exuberantly. Walking the narrow path is not all about great sacrifice and strict discipline, it is also about utter fulfilment, deep inner peace and a sense of lasting joy that comes from being in union with Jesus. Therefore I have no plans to deviate from the narrow path, and I continue to look to Jesus to help me strip away the vanities that camouflage my real being, who is the woman who needs very little even when she receives a lot.

Commitment ready

It seems to be the season for commitments and covenants. First, ICPE Mission's Woman to Woman Ministry is looking for a three-year commitment from each of us in the attempt to help us deepen our respective faith walks. Then the three-year covenant I took with ICPE Mission's Companions is soon up for renewal and each of us is now discerning on next steps. And finally, I am journeying towards soon taking the lifetime covenant of marriage with P.    

D led us to reflect on what commitment means to each of us last Friday evening and why we made commitments. She reminded us that we are bound by our commitments and they dictate how we think, sound and act. When it comes to commitment, quitting is not an option, and we keep going at it even when the going gets tough or when we do not feel up to it. And, we must go beyond counting the costs once we say yes, continuing to sacrifice time and effort in living our commitments out daily.

Motivational speaker Zig Ziglar said: It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.

So why bother so much with commitment when it requires such effort and real discipline? I do it because I believe in love, and commitment is the foundation of love, and of all meaningful relationships. Without commitment, I would drift from one desire to another, prioritizing selfishly and making only hedonistic goals in life. Moreover, I would not grow emotionally or spiritually.

From the beginning, God calls us into relationship with Him. As can be seen from salvation history, God continuously invites us into covenantal relationship. Through Jesus, He continues to give us a new spirit, writing the law of covenant in our hearts. The way we can live out our covenantal relationship with God fully is to rely on the Holy Spirit, His gift to us, to animate us to build healthy relationships with others, for we are called to love others by extending charity in our actions and interactions with all whom we meet.

If I follow Jesus, commitment underpins every action in my life, the will to love and to serve out of love. Springing from this one desire to love as Jesus does, my life is a web of relationships connected through my daily offering of life-giving words and actions. Truth and Mercy are my constant twin companions who guide me in living out my intentions well.

Reflecting on my 12 plus years with the W2W Ministry, it has been an extraordinary season of grace. It has been a time of laughter and tears, great spiritual growth, and connecting with other women I would not ordinarily have done so, drawing strength from them. We quench our thirst from the well of our shared life experiences and set out again on our personal journeys, refreshed, inspired and empowered. The upcoming three-year commitment to me is a no-brainer for I am passionate about helping women (myself included) to live out their true potential by developing their feminine genius and so remain committed. W2W is my spiritual hometown and I still choose to reside here.

My sojourn with the ICPE Mission's Companions in Singapore has been awesome in many ways - the bonds built, the learning, the sharing, the witness of life, it has all been good. To walk and serve with others who share the same vision and mission in life, who live out the charisms of worship and evangelization so concretely has been like travelling on the faith bullet train. Similarly I say yes to renewing my covenant, knowing I need to remain open to God's creativity in answering the desire in my heart for community and to keep following His lead for I will also be taking the covenant of marriage soon.

Speaking of marriage, I approach the marital covenant with eagerness laced with splashes of trepidation. My SD shared that courtship is a treasure hunt where P and I find what is beautiful, good and great about each other and it has indeed been so. Our courtship is a celebration of life at its best, full of joy, and an affirmation of God's abundant and merciful love. I am hopeful that marriage will continue to unearth many treasures that will delight our senses and deepen our love for each other, for Jesus will be at the centre of our relationship as He is now, and He will be the glue that binds us. I say this knowing that there will be challenges ahead, and yet, I am confident that P and I will meet them head on, with Jesus by our sides.

So this is the key component of every formal and informal commitment and covenant we take in life, that we put God in the heart of it all, that we allow Jesus to guide us always, and that we intentionally act in the Spirit of unconditional, forgiving and nurturing love. If we do this, then despite the challenges, struggles and conflicts we encounter along the way, we will enable divine grace to make all things new, beautiful and perfect.  

Heavens' prayer

Last Friday PT did a meditation on prayer and asked me and the other women present at our Woman to Woman Ministry meeting what prayer means for each of us (we have begun a new season of discernment leading to a commitment for spiritual growth)?

At this moment, prayer is my heart cry to God, where I sit in openness and vulnerability, to be able to see myself through His eyes. S's recent word for me speaks volumes as well: To approach and sit at the Lord's feet, breaking the brittle alabaster jar of my fears and stubborn pride again and again to anoint Jesus' feet with the perfume of my being, the pleasing and treasured aspects of my womanhood, adding to it the tears of my shortcomings, my failures and my sinful nature as gift to Him; then drying His feet with my tresses of humility, repentance and gratitude.

Apart from contemplation, I also see prayer very much as an opportunity to be part of the healing He wishes to bestow on all of us, his children. As an intercessor, I can offer up the people and situations that touch my life, and surrender them into His care. My faith will stand in the gap of those who have lost hope or have turned away from Him, to bring the miracle of the Holy Spirit's healing into their lives.

When I was asked to pick a landscape that best represents my prayer life*, I picked the night sky because it represents infinite possibilities in its immensity, even in the darkness.

She then asked what am I saying to God when I choose this landscape to describe my prayer life? Rudolph Otto's idea of the Holy comes to mind: mysterium tremendum and mysterium fascinosum, a scary mystery and a very alluring mystery. Otto proposes that an authentic experience of the Holy is one where I find myself in a liminal space that is at once extremely uncomfortable and yet I feel right at home in, despite being there for the very first time.

I can't help but map my spiritual life to the lived reality of my relationship with P for marriage is the icon of how love between God and us humans should be: total, unconditional, infinite and selfless. The Lord always invites us into relationship with Him and we are given the freedom to say yes, or to say no to his proposal. Likewise, in marriage, we are invited to say yes to each other and no other love relationship is as sublime as it is challenging for it asks for much from the parties involved. As my journey towards marriage is very much for me an experience of the Holy, I should not be surprised at the contradictory, ever-changing state of being I find myself, and I am learning to appreciate the various thresholds I pass through, making the most of them.

So what is God saying to me in this landscape? Stop struggling so much. Be still. Just sit at my feet and listen, for I will do everything to break down the walls and let the light shine in. Be open. Trust. Hope. Believe. I have to remember that even in the outer space of the great unknown, I know who I am, and to therefore allow myself to meet God exactly where I am, without giving into the temptation to second guess or run ahead of myself, or worse, to take matters into my own hands. I need to be an open and joyful receiver of divine grace.

PT then asked: If I were to go deeper in my prayer life, how might my landscape change? And after the change what would my landscape look like now?

I would definitely start to see more stars lighting up the night sky and I would be able to recognize the different constellations, and use them to help me orientate my way towards God, walking where He wants me to go. At the same time, I would derive joy from the beauty I find in the stars, gratitude from being able to navigate in the dark, and awe at how the Creator has made a path in the wilderness for me to walk.

Inherent in God's mystery is the invitation to go deeper always. The Abrahamic covenant whispers softly of God's promises of riches, fruitfulness, and unity. It promises a multitude of great blessings. So if I say yes what is the one thing I can do to go deeper? What can I commit to in order to get there?

The answer is clear to me. What about you?

                                                         
* The suggested landscapes were river, forest, cave and night sky, adapted from Margaret Silf's Landscapes of Prayer.

Peace and harmony

A asked me last evening, what is your desire for your life in this new year and I replied harmony, after some thought. Before harmony can flow, there must first be peace, a peace within myself when my world is spinning and expanding in new, exciting, yet terrifying ways that throw me off kilter. After years of relative calm and stability, the great unknown yawns before me and I am not in a place of comfort. I am full of joy, but I am scared in equal parts.

I feel like Abraham who hears the Lord speak of covenant, a promise of greatness and abundance unimaginable. It is awesome, a dream come true, for the covenant is a bond of love I desire deeply, and yet, it signifies an epic journey and requires a great leap of faith that will propel me into a different stratosphere, one I have not existed in before. Am I up to it? I'd be lying if I said I was wholly confident, but I have said yes with my hand on my heart, and I trust that I will be given the inner resources of the Spirit to carve out a new path that lights the way not just for myself, but for those He has brought into my life.

Going by recent months, I have needed to find peace in my heart by listening to the one voice that matters, filtering out all the voices, my own included, that bring confusion and internal chaos. More than ever, the way forward speaks of the necessity of internal equilibrium that will allow me to act with wisdom and build peace and harmony, as I have always sought to do in life, wherever I find myself. Peace must first begin with me.

In today's second reading Saint Paul reminds the Colossians (1:15-20) that in Christ alone is perfection found, and that all things are to be reconciled through him and for him, whether on earth or in heaven, for Jesus made peace by his death on the cross. As I proclaimed these words today at mass, I felt that they were intended just for me. The only way for peace is through Jesus, laying down my fears and my insecurities, my will and my pride at the foot of His cross. The only way to new life is death of the old ways, my old life.

I like that the liturgy is a constant paean of peace:

Peace be with you. 

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of good will.

Deliver us, Lord, we pray, from every evil, graciously grant us peace in our days...

Lord Jesus Christ, who said to your Apostles: Peace I leave you, my peace I give you; look not on our sins, but on the faith of your Church, and graciously grant her peace and unity in accordance with your will.

The peace of the Lord be with you always.

Let us offer each other a sign of peace.

The peace of Christ, in Scripture and in the Eucharist, is my gift to the world, only if I first accept this gift with open hands and heart. As Moses reminds the people in Deuteronomy 30:10-14, the Law is not beyond my strength or reach, but it is near me, the Word is in my mouth and in my heart for my observance.

When I do accept the gift of Christ's peace, I find myself less shaken by the noises and distractions of the world. Even if I may not have reconciled myself fully to a situation, I can still speak affirming words of peace and act them out in my life with sincerity. This is the power of the cross, to be able to crucify my own wants and needs so that I can act selflessly, like the Good Samaritan did in today's Gospel. Most of all, to  do everything with such grace that no one knows just how much sacrifice it entails. This is peace building at its best.

As P and I find our stride in our relationship, we rely on Christ to help us create peace and harmony in our relationship despite our inevitable differences, and to seek a peace that is not placatory in nature and gesture, but a genuine effort that smacks purely of love and freedom. 

Words to live by

There are two words that best represent my year that began last July: obedience and providence. When I ignored the promptings of my heart, staying away from "duty", I paid the price for it. I caused anger and deep hurt to someone who has since passed on. God was kind and I was able to salvage the situation before it was too late. Despite the difficult situation and the dread I felt in attempting to make reparations, He led my actions and I was able to bless AM and receive her blessing in return. Never mind that everybody else regards me as intransigent and unruly.

In instances where I obeyed even though I was unwilling initially, the Lord provided in ways I never thought possible, one example being my trip to Malta and Rome last year. I still reap the benefits of that trip in countless, indefinable ways, mostly connected to relationships, both old and new.

Obedience to the Spirit is easy most times, when one is guided by a sound value system. One knows what one ought to do, and often, one makes the right choices quite naturally, even unconsciously. However, making the right choices must come from a place of freedom, and not be duty bound.

This can only happen when I open myself to receive love from the Father, and in experiencing the joy of being loved and treasured for who I am, I can choose to love difficult people and be loving in tough situations, without feeling I am the martyr, or short-changed in any way. Loving in freedom allows me to love with joy. I can act with no expectation of reciprocity. Thus, even when I meet hostility, I am unfazed. My self-worth is unshaken, my ego unbruised (it's a process but I get there eventually).

Sometimes I do forget to trust that my Father knows best and I try to go it alone, relying on my own intellect and ability, that's where things always go wonky. These last 12 months have taught me to surrender more and more for I have seen almost unbearable great loss and unbelievably beautiful new beginnings during this period. In the midst of radical change, emotional upheaval, and the call to up the faith ante, the testing of my response to what has been happening in my life has been fierce.

I have a tendency to give in to despair, and I often wish to walk away when the going gets tough, to take the easier option. I get insecure, fearful even, when the landscape shifts beneath my feet, but like a warrior in battle, wielding the trusty sword of prayer and contemplation, honed by hours of practice in peace time, I have been able to stand my ground, and even sally forward significantly towards where God is leading me.

Given where I am right now, preparing for marriage and all its delights and challenges, obedience is key, obedience that comes from a child-like trust that He who has provided for me all these years will continue to provide for me in these coming days, weeks, months and years. I just need to keep a listening heart.

E asked me so where do you see God leading you in the new year? How can I be this flower that despite being transplanted into a new environment, still experiences the freedom of scattering pollen and seed in different ways and directions, blessing others as I now do? How do I refine and deepen my vocation as a soon-to-be married woman?

I cannot quite answer this question in great detail except I know I have to die to self in many ways. I have already begun to let go of my single life, to mourn the changes that are to come, such as no longer living with my mother who has been my confidant, counsellor and greatest cheerleader in life. These last 13 years with her as housemate have been loads of fun, pure joy. I will miss watching The Big Bang Theory with her and chortling with shared glee.

Father Arro defined spouse as the person whom you love most in life and the one who loves you most in life. I have already begun to love P in this way and although we are still discovering each other's ways, rhythms and quirks, I am committed to spending the rest of my life with this man who makes my whole being light up with joy. The road ahead is by no means a walk in the park, but I know it will yield numerous spectacular finds and many glorious moments. I do look forward to it.  

Along with obedience and providence, the other companion words to accompany me in this new year will be perseverance and hope, words that will take flesh as I offer my days up to the Lord and give Him my daily fiat.

True love

She said to me you have found true love
So nice, for it is so rare, such a blessing!
It is true, for you are the impossible* 
He made possible in my life.
The hidden treasure* in the field 
I would give my all to have and to hold.
Good thing she told you not to stop
Keep persevering until the woman knows
She is, at last*, bone of your bones,
Flesh of your flesh, one body.
Sometimes, life is like that,
You reap the happiness - true love - you deserve.
Arise*, my love, my godly one, and come away;
for now the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. 

11 * Inspired by Scripture from Luke 1:38, Matthew 13:44, Genesis 2:23, Song of Songs 2:10-11.

Relinquishing control

Sometimes, things do not turn out according to the way we planned them due to circumstances beyond our control. Sometimes, they may be things that really matter to us. Here is where we are reminded that all things are passing, temporal, and we should hold what's nearest and dearest lightly within the palms of our hands.

Here is where we are also asked, as Pope Francis preached on last Sunday's Gospel (Luke 9:18-24), to place ourselves face to face with Jesus, to figure out who He is to us. This is especially so when things go "wrong" or when we need to come out of ourselves to make sacrifices, choices that are unselfish and do not seem to benefit us directly.

So who is this "Christ of God" to me? Reflecting on this, coming out of the recent chaos I was thrown into last week, struggling to come to terms with the sudden health crisis of someone I love very much, on top of the vastly changing landscape of my life, I still know that Jesus is the one who redeems me through the abundant store of divine love and mercy.

Despite the emotional turmoil I was in, I felt at peace, for I knew He was showing me how much He loved me and those around me, and that He was in control of the storm. As Pope Francis said:  Jesus knows the heart of man as no one else does. That’s why He can heal it, giving it life and consolation.
    
Pope Francis elaborated: The world needs Christ more than ever, needs His salvation, His merciful love. Many people note an emptiness around them and within them; others live in restlessness and insecurity because of precariousness and conflicts. All of us need adequate responses to our existential questions. In Christ, and only in Him, is it possible to find true peace and the fulfillment of every human aspiration.

Knowing who He is to me then begs the question of who I am. If I am to follow Him, then I must deny myself and take up my cross daily. What the Pope calls the cross of one’s duty, of sacrificing oneself for others with love, of willingness to be in solidarity with the poor, of exerting oneself for justice and peace.

The upside to the cross is the Christian paradox which I have personally experienced many a time and that is as the Pope reminds: In 'taking up these attitudes, we must never forget that “whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.”

Therefore, let us abandon ourselves with confidence in Him, Jesus our brother, friend and savior. Through the Holy Spirit, He will give us the strength to go forward on the path of faith and witness. And on this path, Our Lady is always close: Let us allow Her to take us by the hand when we go through moments of darkness and difficulty.

Painting by Sieger Koder

So as the Hillsong United lyric goes:

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father you are King over the flood

I will be still, know You are God

True identity

Over last weekend I was involved in an outreach for 10 young adults at the Church of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary and it was a blessed retreat. Led by Derek Chong (who always inspires me for he lives out his vocation with such joy), A and I had the privilege of leading the gendered sessions for seven young women on Saturday morning.

The topic I had was Who am I and while preparing for it, I was reminded to reclaim my identity as Daughter of the Father and Bride of Christ. I have been able to live out my true identity fairly well these days. However, it is not possible to be completely free of distortions and blockages. That's okay. As long as I keep focusing on Jesus, I will always come home to my true identity for this is what Jesus desires for me. If I desire what he wants, then I will delight in Him and He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37).

Every woman's true identity is Daughter of the Father and Bride of Christ. The question is whether we all live out our identity as such, meaning we recognize our true dignity as women and demand that we are accorded the rightful respect as women and we, in turn, accord others, especially men, their rightful respect. This entails due recognition of who we are, our feminine genius, and the careful and continued cultivation of our gifts and talents which we then enthusiastically offer to the world in joyful service.

I am woman. I am made for love. I am made for marriage. It does not matter whether I am single or married for I can live out this nuptial spirituality regardless. I like what Megan Twomey wrote:

Whether they are married, living the consecrated religious life, or single, women have a special calling and ability to care for others, to teach them, and to help them to grow.  Women help to birth souls into eternal life, grow disciples, and walk with another toward God. This motherhood does not in any way exclude women from other pursuits, passions, or positions of leadership. A woman's talents do not hinder her ability to mother souls, nor does being a mother prevent her from having a personality or a craft.  Devoting her life to the service of God, whether that plays out in the context of a family or a religious order, does not eliminate her identity as a woman, but enhances it by strengthening her character and purifying her soul.  

We can only accomplish what we are created to do if we do not succumb to the lies that tell us otherwise. I was sharing with the young women that it's hard to ignore what the world tells us on how we should look, talk, and act. The pressure is real, pervasive and insidious. It is hard not to buy into it, especially when as single women, we seem to have a sell by date for marriage. We cannot allow the lies of the world to lead us into compromising ourselves, or our value as women, all the more as women of God.

In staying true to my principles which are founded on Church teaching, I theoretically don't stand a chance in the marriage market, especially since I choose the virtue of sexual purity. But God has seen fit to choose a man for me who reveres Him as much as I do, and the relationship is mutually enriching for Jesus is the lens through which we see each other. Thus we see the gift He sees in each other and we are able to love each other as He loves us. I have never felt so cherished and loved for who I am than during these days of courtship. P affirms my womanhood and strengthens my identity as Daughter of the Father and Bride of Christ every single day. So blessed.

I would like to re-post this FB post by Marcus Peter that encourages every woman to stay true to who she is. Keep battling the lies, and maintaining your integrity. It is worth your while:

Dear Woman of God,

You are special. You are precious. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are... A Woman after the heart of my Father.

I am writing to you to let you know this: your struggle is not in vain.

There are so few of you women of God around. The world needs your witness of Love, when all it does is hurt and bleed.

While women across the world have wanton sex, indulge in substance abuse, swear, drink, club and smoke, you are the ones who help them through those hurts. You help bring them the understanding and healing they need in Jesus. You help them see that you don't want to stone them, you want to embrace them; to Love them.

There are young girls across the world who are being fed lies, that they are only beautiful if they dress a certain way, act a certain way or belittle their worth as women. They need you to show them just how wonderful they are and how amazingly Blessed they are meant to be.

My beloved sister, I know it's hard. Few see the true beauty within you and fewer still appreciate you for it. Please know that we, your brothers, do.

On behalf of every man who has ever belittled you, degraded you, disregarded you or broken your heart, I ask you, please forgive us. We are but boys learning to be real men.

You deserve so much more than you realize. And this is because your truest worth is far beyond what mortal eyes will see. Your truest worth is God's Love for you and your Love for Him.

Please know that we are praying for you. We are each hoping for a woman such as you to share the rest of our lives with in Christ. We want to honour and cherish you as you truly deserve. And we would give our lives to preserve the Grace of God in you.

You are not alone. Your wait is not in vain. You are worth Loving, praying for and waiting for.

Please don't ever compromise or settle for anything less. Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised indeed. You are such a woman.

You give us men of God hope - to persevere and hold strong. You do not see many of us, but we are here, and we are here for you.

Some day, God our Father will fulfill all the deepest desires your heart. Until then, we will hold your hand in spirit, walking this road with you - guarding your heart in Him.

Because you are worth it.

We Love you dearly, please be assured of it.

With all our Love in Christ,
Your Brothers,
Men of God

Our Lady's gaze

When I entered the church where La Moreneta, the Black Madonna sits in Monserrat two years ago, I felt someone looking at me as I stood there drinking in the beauty of the interior. Who was looking at me with such intensity in this vast basilica? When I located the gaze, I realized with a shock that it was Our Lady of Monserrat herself. It was such a kairos moment for I remember asking Our Lady what are you asking of me? What does this mean? It is a gaze I have pondered often since. Her photo sits on my bedside table reminding me of that cool September day when she looked at me. I therefore read with delight Pope Francis's recent reflection on Mother Mary's gaze.

Our Lady has been my source of strength and inspiration through the years. She is my hero, my role model as a woman. I sometimes wonder why Catholics are penalized so much for loving her. Surely the mother of Jesus is an extraordinary woman to be admired, as related to us by Saint Luke in his Gospel? The way she lived her entire life, in full obedience, pondering the mysteries and vicissitudes of life and responding always with gentle wisdom is to be imitated.

Mary points us to Jesus, her pride and joy, the child, at once human and divine, who resided in her womb and grew up under her loving guidance, and we fickle and forgetful humans need as many signs and reminders of Jesus and what He did to save us as possible. She also has his ear, as demonstrated by the wedding at Cana, and can intercede on our behalf. My recent devotion to her, through my daily rosary, where I ask for her intercessory help has proven to me how much grace I receive thorough this woman whom Jesus gave to us to be our mother before he expired.

Mother Mary has a special gift of mercy which is empowered through her humility and her free yes to grace. Pope Francis in his reflection to priests* last week calls her the perfect vessel that both receives and bestows mercy. There is much we can learn from her pure and overflowing heart that sees all of history and each individual person with a mother’s mercy.

He talks about the mystery of Mary’s gaze, its tenderness and its sweetness that give us the courage to open our hearts to God’s mercy. I especially like how Pope Francis encourages priests to experience her gaze themselves so that they can, in turn, gaze at people in the same loving, non-judgemental way.

Mary’s gaze makes us feel her maternal embrace. She shows us that “the only power capable of winning human hearts is the tenderness of God. What delights and attracts, humbles and overcomes, opens and unleashes is not the power of instruments or the force of the law, but rather the omnipotent weakness of divine love, which is the irresistible force of its gentleness and the irrevocable pledge of its mercy” (Address to the Mexican Bishops, 13 February 2016). 

For Our Lady can remove every “cataract” that prevents them from seeing Christ in people’s souls. She can remove the myopia that fails to see the needs of others, which are the needs of the incarnate Lord, as well as the hyperopia that cannot see the details, “the small print”, where the truly important things are played out in the life of the Church and of the family.

The Pope goes on to say Mary’s gaze is one of complete attention. I can testify to that for the statue of the Black Madonna was so far from me that she was tiny. And yet, I felt her eyes trained on me. It was only in the enlarged image of a photograph I took that I saw it was she who was looking at me. I had her whole attention and I could pour out my heart to her, my fears, hopes and dreams, both uttered and unuttered.

She leaves everything else behind, and is concerned only with the person in front of her. Like a mother, she is all ears for the child who has something to tell her. Like her, we need to be able to "see into people’s suffering and recognize their needs,"  if not "we will have nothing to offer them. The riches we possess only flow forth when we truly encounter the needs of others, and this encounter take places precisely in our heart.

Pope Francis goes on to talk about Mary’s gaze as “integral”, all-embracing. It brings everything together: our past, our present and our future. It is not fragmented or partial: mercy can see things as a whole and grasp what is most necessary. At Cana, Mary “empathetically” foresaw what the lack of wine in the wedding feast would mean and she asked Jesus to resolve the problem, without anyone noticing. 

Out of mercy, Mary sees beforehand the things we lack and provides for them. If there is any “good wine” present in our lives, it is due not to our own merits but to her “anticipated mercy”. In the Magnificat, she proclaims how the Lord “looked with favour on her loneliness” and “remembered his (covenant of) mercy”, a “mercy shown from generation to generation” to the poor and the downtrodden. For Mary, history is mercy.

We can conclude by praying the Salva Regina. The words of this prayer are vibrant with the mystery of the Magnificat. Mary is the Mother of mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope. Her eyes of mercy are surely the greatest vessel of mercy, for their gaze enables us to drink in that kindness and goodness for which we hunger with a yearning that a look of love alone can satisfy. Her eyes of mercy also enable us to see God’s mercy at work in human history and to find Jesus in the faces of our brothers and sisters. In Mary, we catch a glimpse of the promised land – the Kingdom of mercy established by our Lord – already present in this life beyond the exile into which sin leads us. From her hand and beneath her gaze, we can joyfully proclaim the greatness of the Lord. To Mary we can say: 

My soul sings of you, Lord, for you have looked with favour on the lowliness and humility of your servant. How blessed I am, to have been forgiven. Your mercy, Lord, that you showed to your saints and to all your faithful people, you have also shown to me. I was lost, seeking only myself, in the arrogance of my heart, yet I found no glory. My only glory is that your Mother has embraced me, covered me with her mantle, and drawn me to her heart. I want to be loved as one of your little ones. I want to feed with your bread all those who hunger for you.

May we all continue to meditate on the Immaculate Heart of Mary (a feast we celebrated yesterday) and cultivate such a listening and receptive heart ourselves. As for me, I will continue to gaze at her and learn to reflect her gentle, loving maternal instincts to those around me and bring Jesus, her Son to them.

*  To read the wonderful second meditation of three, go to: http://en.radiovaticana.va/news/2016/06/02/pope_francis_second_meditation_for_the_retreat_for_priests/1234296.  Through our baptism we are called to be priests, so the Pope's reflection holds true for us, too.

Incarnating the Visitation

Today is the Feast of the Visitation of the Blessed Virgin Mary and it is a beautiful way to end the Marian month of May. I was reminded this morning how much grace there is in the recitation of the rosary and asking Our Lady for her intercession.  She helped me this morning to examine a situation closely and see the truth in it. It is good to have her as Mother - to guide, to comfort and to emulate.

I find it hard to sometimes stay the distance in meditating on the rosary for my thoughts often distract me. I have come to realize that it is okay to be distracted as long as I pull myself back in when I do. The main thing is I try my sincere best. And I recite a couple of extra Hail Marys when I feel I did not do justice to those I rattled off unthinkingly.

There is so much to learn from Mother Mary, especially in the Visitation, which, incidentally, is the icon of the Woman to Woman Ministry. In the Visitation we see how selfless Mary is in hastening to Elizabeth's side to render help, with no thought for her own problems (pregnant with no husband).

I also like how John, in utero, and Elizabeth, both recognize the presence of Jesus in Mary's womb, and how they welcomed Him with elation. If only I am that sensitive all the time that I recognize Jesus in my fellow human beings, especially those whom I find hard to love, or those on whom I project my own feelings of inadequacy.

Finally the Magnificat, this glorious hymn of praise to God celebrating the mystery and the power of the incarnation. These three highlights of Luke's Gospel (1:39-56) encourage me to live out the Visitation in my daily life in real and practical terms.

I am called to not just comfort and give advice to those who are hurt, sad, or confused, but to also celebrate with gladness the joys and achievements of others, and to offer assistance in any way I can, with no regard for my own inconvenience. As they say, sharing halves our sorrows and double our joys. It is all about connecting with someone where they are, and where I am, yet giving them the space to express themselves freely.

I also need to look at others with Spirit-enhanced vision to perceive God residing in them in the incarnation of His son, Jesus. Often I look at others through a lens of fear and distrust, my own prejudices, and I tend to erect fences and protect my own space rather than reach out with the trusting hand and smile of a child who believes the universe is a loving and wonderful place.

At the same time, I am also called to be receptive to becoming pregnant with Jesus, as Mary was. To say fiat, let it be done unto me according to Thy word. This entails the biggest risk of all for it calls forth from me my willingness to be vulnerable, to stay humble so that I can empty myself of anything that impedes my spiritual growth and come face to face with Jesus. Mary's gift of pondering in her heart the Word, and letting it well up in her until she gives birth to it is a gift I covet. I can never be as bold, steadfast and courageous as she was. I can only try.

The Magnificat is an awesome hymn of praise for it recognizes the supremacy of God in the world when we allow ourselves to say yes to acting in faith on our individual strength - to be overshadowed by the Holy Spirit and impregnated, and to eventually give birth to new life, eternal life as promised by God. The Almighty will do great things for me, using me to help reverse the order of the world's injustices and inequalities. I just have to keep saying yes in my actions. As the reflection from Laudate states, Mary declares the truths and mysteries which the incarnation brought to light.

Love of the order and magnitude of what Mother Mary had in her heart, conquers all. For she had what Peter in his second letter says is given to us to know God and to escape corruption in a world that is sunk in vice. To paraphrase Peter, Mary had goodness to her faith, understanding to her goodness, self-control to her understanding, patience to her self-control, true devotion to her patience, kindness towards her fellow men to her devotion, and, to this kindness, love.

So as Blessed Henry Suso exhorts: Let us have recourse to Mary; for of all creatures she is the highest, the purest, the most beautiful, and the most loving. 

Mother Mary, pray for us that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Letting God play matchmaker

Many moons ago my brother thought me ridiculous when I said God will find me the man in response to his question what are you doing to look for a husband if your vocation is marriage. I refused to date (have never really dated and I am incapable of doing flirty and frothy), and I was just happily pursuing my passions while working on my issues for I knew that unless I did so, even if the right man appeared, the relationship would not work well. I would go into it and not be able to engage in marriage fully as God created marriage to be, a reflection of His selfless, unconditional love that speaks of a blessed, lifelong commitment, total acceptance, never-ending mercy and joyous affirmation.

Marriage is where a couple sees God in each other and where they see themselves through God's eyes. At least that was His original plan until Adam and Eve mucked it up and left the rest of us emotionally and spiritually myopic.

While I made my pronouncement blithely, I said it in half supplication and half expectant faith for I was still trying to make sense of it all. Lord, is marriage my vocation literally, or figuratively? Tell me, please? This mystery thing is severely over-rated, yah? And just when I thought I knew where my life was heading, He surprised me with a man.

Fast forward twelve and a half years later where I meet P, and I keep asking him this: How do you know God has chosen me for you? I am still having a little trouble assimilating the necessary paradigm shift and the seismic implications of working towards a life partnership that is mutually fulfilling.  P's confidence astounds, moves and irks me all at the same time for he also has the advantage of having read my blog and therefore has a fair idea of my faith journey, and knows me quite intimately on some level. Most unfair.

I still don't "know" if P and I will get married, but I do know that P and I are meant to get to know each other, and through this blossoming friendship, bring out the best in each other, smoothen out each other's rough edges, fulfil each other's unspoken needs and deepest desires, illuminate each other's world and bless each other with joy, laughter and transformative love. Never mind the m word, that's just the icing on the cake - journey, not the destination, and all that. Even if marriage is not on the pristine wedding invitation cards, we will walk away better people for having known each other.

Coming back to this whole nebulous idea of allowing God to choose someone for you while living in the reality of being a single woman with not a decent prospect in sight: it is tough. Very tough. I can vouch for that. Especially when children are yearned for and biological clocks are tick, ticking away. There are many things that a single woman has to give up and grieve over with the passing of time, the death of biologically driven desires being one instance. But I can also vouch for not compromising and bowing to the world's idea of relationships, and for holding fast to one's Christian ideals and being blessed abundantly for it.

There has been such healing and joy in making Jesus the lover of my heart, my Bridegroom, all these years. He has cherished and indulged me, protected me (from myself mostly) and helped me grow in countless ways. Jesus is totally my Way, my Truth and my Life.

He still is my first priority, as He should be yours, our first love, and this applies to all women, single or married, and men. For if you are nourished by His love and you allow Him to be your alpha and omega, then you are less likely to be so desperate that you rationalize poor relationship choices, or insist on someone who is not right for you, something everyone else can see, except you. More importantly, you will not fall into serious sin and suffer the damaging consequences.

If you know and luxuriate in your identity as Beloved, you will not allow loneliness to lead you to unwholesome, addictive activities such as masturbation. gratuitous liaisons, sexting, consuming pornography or trashy romance novels/movies. You will have the good sense to avoid chat rooms, potentially risky encounters, flirting inappropriately with someone you are attracted to, and be able to exert self-control over your libidinal urges. You will respect your own God-given dignity, and sisters, you will not give the milk away for free for it is meant only for the man you call husband. Same exclusivity rule applies to the men as well.

Now that I am in relationship, I need to continue to be sensitive to the movements of the Spirit for I will draw wrong conclusions, make mistakes, and even sabotage the relationship at times, but I do know if I keep my gaze on the crucified Christ, He will always lead me back to do what is right by both me and P, and this will be the inexhaustible fountain of grace for our relationship.

So I will keep working on knowing who I am in Father God's eyes, get raw and intimate with Jesus, and keep the Holy Spirit close to my heart, living within me. I will also live fearlessly, love selflessly, be grateful, be present, continue to let my passions take flight, and dare to go where He leads me, especially in my walk with P. 

Uniquely ICPE

Today, ICPE Singapore organized a day of worship where we also launched the ICPE Alumni. It was wonderful to have former participants of ICPE Schools gather together to worship God in inimitable ICPE style, which means it was Spirit-filled, and reminded everyone in the room just how real the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are, most apt, for this weekend we celebrate the Most Holy Trinity.  

A asked me if I could share what it means to be a Companion and here is what I shared, more or less:

Being a cradle Catholic with a rudimentary and shallow understanding of my faith, I embraced the values of the world as a young adult, and became the prodigal who left home to enjoy a life of sin. I knew I was hurting the Father, and, most of all myself, but I was not the most integrated of personalities at the time. I craved love and went about getting it in all the wrong ways, thus, I could not find my way home, until I attended Pastoral Counselling School in Bangalore in 2003.

From the moment I stepped out of the cab, it was like a huge homecoming for me. I never imagined how community could be so welcoming and loving, how liturgy could be so beautiful, how prayer, praise and worship could be so powerful, and how my brokenness, my past could be restored through the Holy Spirit's touch.

Many things fell into place for me and I finally even knew what my vocation was. Charismatic worship was so alien to me before PCS, but, then, I became the woman at the well asking Jesus for living water: I wanted the gifts of the Spirit. Although I had always believed in God, and I knew he loved me, He was mainly the stern, distant father. At PCS, I was finally standing inside my Father's house and in His arms, and it felt awesome. It was here that I gave my life to Jesus completely. No more half measures. If I live, I live for the Lord, and if I die, I die for the Lord. For whether I live or die, I belong to the Lord (paraphrasing Romans 14:8).

The subsequent years were a time of much pruning and refining, some of it very painful, but necessary. Heeding the advice I received at PCS, I found a Spiritual Director, and I also found a community in ICPE's Woman to Woman Ministry in 2004.

In W2W, Amilia and Karen were my informal faith formators, these two beautiful women and sisters who are steeped in ICPE spirituality. As we journeyed through the years with different groups of women, I grew not only through the group's reflections and sharing of life, but through Amilia and Karen's radical witness of life. I also studied our Catholic faith* in earnest, learned more about Scripture and Tradition, while the ICPE spirituality of worship and evangelisation nourished me and helped me refine my vocation.

When the idea of Companions came up three plus years ago I was unsure, at first, for many reasons, despite the fact I had been a friend of ICPE for years; I even went for reverse carolling in the Philippines a number of times over the years, and I have supported the community in various ways. But it was clear, if I wanted to grow more, which I did, and still do, then a covenanted community was the answer. God calls us all the time into a deepening and more intimate relationship with Him, but it is up to us to say yes. So after discerning together as a group for about a year, I overcame my commitment phobia born of my self-doubt, and became a Companion.

Being in community has really helped me grow in many ways, spiritually, emotionally as well as socially. I have learned how to love my brothers in community and to appreciate the strength and wisdom of good Christian men, not just good Christian women. This has been very healing for me for I had not had the best of relationships with my father who was autocratic, and a chronic alcoholic who emotionally abused my mother when he was under the influence of alcohol. And all the men in my life previously either ignored God or had a very superficial relationship with Him. So it has been affirming and enlightening these past three years to be a sister of godly men.

I also like the freedom and space to grow and live out my vocation that comes from being a Companion. I am a lay missionary, but a missionary who can support other missionaries and causes because I exercise my particular gifts and talents not just in the workplace, but in my personal pursuits as well. The loose weave of all my passions and interests are bound together by the strength of my covenant. I am able to be in the world, but not of the world, in a very unique way.

We all have different gifts and talents and it's nice that each of us (Companions) uses our own unique gifts and talents to glorify Him in the workplace, and at home, wherever we are, whatever we do, and yet, we are centred in Christ the ICPE way: when we gather, the way we praise, the way we share life, the way we work together when we do outreaches, the ICPE spirituality permeates everything we do. This is the power of the Companions covenant. We are many parts of one body, and we are united by the same vision and goals; fundamentally, to know Christ ourselves, and make Him known.

My brothers and sisters also inspire me with their lives, how they bear active witness to the Christian faith with such missionary zeal every day. When I am slacking, their steadfast, unwavering focus on Jesus helps me keep burning with love for Jesus, so that I can continue spreading the joy of the Gospel. That is the power of community. The weight of a single snowflake may weigh next to nothing, but collectively, a flurry of snowflakes can weigh enough to effect change to the point of breaking branches (thanks Father JB).

It's not easy to keep walking the narrow path and it is definitely made easier with Companions on the journey who support me emotionally and spiritually through prayer. A recent example is the sudden death of my cousin. I felt so loved through the support of my community, and I know I was able to get over the worst of my grief when I needed to, only because I was buoyed up by the love and prayer of my brothers and sisters in community.

I feel very blessed to be a Companion, and while it will always be a struggle to meet up regularly, given our busy lives, I am privileged and honoured by the way we all show up for meetings and give ourselves to each other as gift, with sincerity and wholeheartedness. The bonds forged find their strength in Christ, and overcome our human frailties and weaknesses, as we grow as individuals, and as one family in our community of ICPE Companions.

*  I remember fondly the time Amilia, Edwyn, Karen and myself flew to Melbourne to study Theology of the Body at the John Paul II Institute, that was pivotal in forming our ethos of the sacramentality of the body. We are all such JPII fans.

I don't know if I love you

I don't know if I love you, but
Silly love songs play all day in my head
I smile too frequently (when I think of you)
People must think I'm loony or moonstruck.

I don't think I love you, and yet
I walk around on petal-strewn sunshine
My face aglow with inner jubilation
Not much irritates me, or spoils my good mood.

I can't possibly love you, it's much too soon,
Yet I cannot breathe when you kneel next to me.
Your faith levels my mountains of doubt and fear,
Flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come.*

My head tells me it's crazy, too impulsive, so not me.
My heart says you are the one chosen just for me.

Past experience cautions for decorum, more time_
Intuition whispers we will be great together,
Good for each other in all kinds of weather.
Go on, take the plunge! What are you waiting for?

I don't know if I love you, but I do know
I will give you my heart, to have and to hold,
Today and tomorrow,
God willing, forever.

* Song of Songs 2:12

Wasting time

Although time is a commodity into which I constantly try to pack as much activity as I can into the finite minutes and hours I have when I am awake, I also spend a lot of it in idle activity to de-stress from the day. But being in a relationship has changed the way I look at my week now and how I prioritize my time.

Given our busy lives, plus our schedules and rhythms that are not always synchronized, finding time to waste with each other can be challenging. And yet, precisely because it is challenging, our meetings become so much sweeter. My absolute favourite thing to do is to attend morning mass with P, followed by breakfast, before we go our separate ways into the work day. There is such strength and joy in worshipping God together.

I was sharing with Sister B last Sunday about the recent changes in my life and she reminded me that no matter what state of life I find myself in, my focus should not change, Jesus first. He is my first and last love, the Bridegroom with whom I should be wasting time on and with if I wish to enter the interior castle*, which I do desire greatly. I do hope it will be the same for P.

Looking back at God's invitation late last year to a deeper level of intimacy, I can see how my relationship with P has already helped me step a little closer towards the keep, or Saint Teresa's inner mansions. Not wishing a misstep, I am striving harder to contemplate the One who makes all things possible.

With the heightened intensity of my prayer life and a greater reliance on letting the Holy Spirit lead in the relationship, I have found such freedom as I have never found in my previous relationships. I do not agonize over the future, or whether this man loves me enough to want to marry me. I realize I am blessed immeasurably that we both want the same thing, God's approbation of our relationship, and because of this, I have the courage to give my all, without fear; towards nurturing a potential life-long friendship and a forever love.

I can also be myself. In fact, I have done my ruthlessly honest best to discourage him (and if he scares easily then he is definitely not the right man for me), for he should know me and love me for who I am, just as I will know and love him for who he is, good and bad. No games, no deceptions.

Of course I know we may still decide to part next year, especially if God reveals we are not meant to be together, and while I know I will suffer the pain of that decision, I also know I have the strength to go on. I did it once before in my last relationship and I know I can do it again. All that matters is what God wants for me, and I trust He wants only what's best for me. Hence my constant prayer is one for obedience. To do whatever He tells me.

In the meantime I will enjoy each day as it comes, let tomorrow take care of itself, and just live in the moment of magnificent abundance.

*  Saint Teresa of Avila's spirituality of mystical interiority.