Dementia lesson

M has dementia. When I first came face to face with it I was quite upset. The last time I saw M, compos mentis, was in 2021, and she was her bubbly and exuberant self. She greeted me with an enthusiastic hug, as was her wont. M is a great hugger - her hugs made you feel extremely cherished and loved.

About a month back I was delighted to bump into her for it has been a while. She looked her usual self, whippet thin and active, pottering around in the garden. I called out a delighted greeting. She smiled and said hello, no recognition on her face at all, just a friendly demeanour reserved for strangers. When I asked for directions to a place not five metres away, she was clueless. I was in shock and greatly dismayed as I came to the flash conclusion of her cognitive impairment. I immediately mourned the four years I had not made any effort to visit her.

 Her dementia had surfaced two years back, but it is fairly progressive for she has lost over 20 years of memory in that short span of time. I am no longer familiar to her. There are bursts of recognition, but they are fleeting and few.

 M entered my life when I was on my spiritual quest post-conversion in 2004. At weekly meetings, she would often guide me, and those present, with her input or responses that brought years’ of spiritual wisdom. She did much in repairing my vision of what a nun was supposed to be like for she was full of joy and gentle, with goodness secreting out of every pore. I loved her wit, her quicksilver mind and her passion for justice, especially for those who were marginalized. She introduced me to saints like Dorothy Day and Satoko Kitahara, who inspired me to do more for the socially disadvantaged.

 One retreat she ran for the Woman to Woman Ministry that was pivotal for me where I learned what my personal name was, that is the name bestowed on me by the Father. This helped me deepen my spirituality as it strengthened my identity founded in Him.

 Because of who she was, a woman who greatly loved Jesus, and desired that others around would experience His love in the way she did, I, too, aspired to be like her and do likewise.

 M was truly instrumental in helping me shape my spirituality during those fast track formative years, and I am ever grateful for everything she did. One regret I have is I am not sure if I ever thanked her properly for the difference she has made in my life, and how much she is loved by me.

 M was a woman of many gifts. Besides her gift of spiritual direction or accompaniment, she

W2W logo

appreciated art and poetry; she was herself artistically creative. She designed the logo for the Woman to Woman Ministry which depicts the mutual love between Elizabeth and Mary.

 It is discombobulating to acknowledge that she is physically intact currently, but mentally, she is lost to me in forgotten memories. I mourn her presence, her vitality and spark. I miss those delighted and delightful hugs. I feel as if a part of my life is lost, the me that she once knew and remembered. I feel the weight of my years in the loss of beloved companions, of which she is the latest one. 

 As E would ask, what is Jesus saying in all this? I would say I need to set aside a little time to not just pray for, but to connect with each of my friends on a more regular basis, and especially for those giants on whose shoulders I am standing on. The busyness is no longer an excuse. Neither is being lousy at keeping in touch. I will start by visiting Sister M a little more regularly. Hopefully, my friends will also get to hear from me a little more often. 

A ten for divine mercy

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday, a feast very close to my heart for P and I met exactly on Divine Mercy Sunday 10 years ago. Today P and I also celebrate 112 months of marriage it being the 12th of the month. The coincidence  evokes a mix of amusement and wonder for I know there are no coincidences in life, only God-incidences. 

I look at the symmetry in the numbers as a wink from the Lord, reminding me that it was divine mercy that P and I met and got married, and even now, both P and I must rely on divine mercy to keep our marriage going strong, besides always seeking the good of the other.   

After 10 years, it is easy to get complacent and cruise on auto pilot. I admit I do take certain things for granted, and I may not try as hard as I did before. I am not as attentive as I was and I am sure I overlook signs of unspoken needs which I would have  previously caught and done my best to fulfil. 

This is true of any relationship in life, really. As I get comfortable within the confines of a familial relationship, I am less patient and compassionate, less tolerant of the other’s perceived weaknesses. So it bears remembering how much I value each relationship and to constantly value it in concrete ways. 

If I love my mother, I must show it by swallowing my irritation when she forgets something that results in my stressing out as I rush to complete the task in limited time. Less self-righteous grousing even if fully justified.

Likewise, in my forever marriage, what I truly desire is ending the day with more laughs and smiles than petty arguments and being at odds over the small stuff. I want to look back and remember all the many wonderful things we did together, and this is not only about the highlights, the vacations taken, but also the lived experiences of daily life that are lit with affection and true companionship.  

Looking back on these 10 years of life made new by the gift of love, I am still amazed at how it happened and what has happened in 10 years. We have packed a whole lot of loving, living and growing. We have grown close to each other and we have grown much as individuals, buttressed by the roots of spousal support and sacrifice. More importantly, we each have also grown in our respective relationships with the Almighty.

I am grateful for the 10 years, and I look forward to more decades of being together. In order to realize my desire of making them phenomenal years, I truly need all the wisdom and compassion of divine mercy to make it happen. Jesus, I trust in you. 

Thankful for Easter

It is finally Easter and while I am so grateful for how the Lord has been merciful and giving in so many different ways, I feel unworthy and not quite able to embrace the generosity of this gift of resurrected and eternal life. 

Certainly I know I will never be fully deserving of how much I am loved by Him through all the people in my life, but the lesson I learnt most this Lent was to get over myself, my sinful tendencies, my inadequacies and the need to be perfect and have everything turn out perfectly (in my world) - so not happening, and, it WILL never happen. 

Life is messy and ever-changing; there are consistently grains of sand in the shoe of my daily life that irritate my consciousness and zap all the energy and good humour out of me. Here is where I am called to stretch - my imagination, my spirituality, my character, my outlook, my opinions, my personality…the list is endless.

I have become a sleep-deprived, strung out, cortisol overloaded being with persistent muscular pains. I am a walking disaster. Giving up, however, is not an option. So Lent coincided with me trying to overcome my struggles and setbacks, and the emotional and physical rock bottom I hit in the first part of this year. I actually felt depressed, something I have not felt in years. 

Prayer, receiving the Eucharist as much as I can, and regular exercise have helped nourish my well being and helped me claw my way out of this abyss of hopelessness. As I shared earlier, it’s also the ability not to take myself and all the situations that surround me so seriously and to put things into perspective (not merely relying on my own shortsighted and blinkered vision). 

I can literally hear the Holy Spirit saying to me: 

Get over yourself and your bruised ego. Stop being such a strawberry drama queen. It’s not all about you. 

And it’s really not the end of the world even if you feel like it is. Life can and does go on, quite unimaginably and miraculously well, too. 

Tempting as it may be, do not pick up crosses that don’t belong to you. Yes, serve, but with boundariesboundariesboundaries.

Curate your emotions. Temper them with prayerful wisdom. 

You’re forgiven all the time, so forgive others all the time. 

There are so many blessings in your life, focus on them. 

Whatever you cannot control, let it go, and simply follow me and my ways. I will handle it. 

When you snap at people, apologize, and move on by snapping back into shape. Keep on trying to be the best you. 

Ponder first, then react intentionally, don’t give in to knee-jerk impulses you live to regret. 

Do what you can to remove the grains of sand and be gracious as you go about it even though you are gritting your teeth out of pain.

There is a battlefield within my psyche where good and bad are always at odds, bad grappling to get the upper hand. Not by my strength but His and His alone can I ever succeed, every second, every minute and every hour of the day, day after day.

So this Easter season, I would like to continue to be open, be present, be faithful and to allow the joy of the Risen Lord to permeate my imperfect self and life. And maybe, just maybe, those whom I love, will be infected with the same joy. Happy Easter!

Holy Saturday

Ten years and a day

Divine Mercy Sunday

Was when we last hugged

Spoke briefly after mass

And texted in the evening 

Then you left so suddenly

The silence has been tough

I trusted your judgement 

You listened patiently

With gentle acceptance

Made me feel better  

Oh how I miss you

This Holy Saturday 

The darkness seems just bleaker

Perfect first date

Mother said they must meet

And so it was arranged

A blind date

Both unaware of what portended

It was a meeting of minds 

That blossomed quickly into love

Guided by the Holy Spirit

And of course dear Mother

We bonded and soon knew 

We were meant to be together

Morning mass and breakfast

Was how we’d start our days

The Lord first and always

Thus His plans for us unfolded

Can’t believe it’s been ten years 

Still can’t believe how it all began

Awed still by everything we have

Ever grateful for that first date

That came so late so perfectly