Lenten renewal

It's a very rare day today for I have no clients and I actually have some time to slow down before I pick my grandson up. I have space to breathe rather than be on the go from the time I wake up till the time I lay my head on my pillow.

I realize that what I had in January was an RSV which truly knocked me out for six. I am still battling fatigue, but it is not that extreme fatigue I felt, and I am heartened for I am finally able to exercise without incurring too much pain due to the sprained ankle. It has been a frustrating period of wanting to keep up my fitness level and yet, literally been hamstrung by the tight muscles and pain in my body. Today I feel good, post-pickleball (the second time I have played since I sprained my ankle). There is finally light at the end of the tunnel of my ankle recovery. 

What have I learned during this period of struggle which also coincides with Lent? There will always be some level of pain and struggle involved in daily life, but the challenge is to not let it affect how I behave. This requires me to be in touch with my darkness and not let it overwhelm me: the anger, fear and depression, the ennui that seeps into my spirit and constantly threatens to transform me into a selfish virago. 

I am grateful for this season of Lent for it has reminded me to constantly turn to God in all things, to offer Him my pain and my failures, my stupidity when I persist in insalubrious acts, and to start again; to exercise wisdom and temperance as well as to be patient, forgiving, amiable and generous. 

Renew my heart. Restart when I fail. Come back to a place of love where I am at one with Him. This has been my Lenten sacrifice: to attempt to go beyond myself; to strip myself of my selfish tendencies and to put others first, namely Jesus. I am called to stretch the boundaries of my blind complacency and to seek excellence in everything I do even though I am tired and limping. It doesn't matter that my first fruits are not perfect, what matters is my heart, my attitude, do I truly desire to give my best to the Lord? I don't often succeed but I cannot stop trying.

While I often feel I am inadequate and simply too sinful to be of any good, renewal calls for me to be in a state of movement, moving always towards Him. And so, I give thanks for today, and for all the days to come that are too full for my liking and filled with tasks I am not overly fond of. He is there with me and with Him, everything will be alright.        

Light perspective

January has been a vortex of activity that has threatened to cripple me. Besides grappling with deep fatigue due to helping out more with the grandkids, I have had to deal with a sprained ankle and being on the cusp of illness a couple of times. It has made for frustrating times as I am trying to ramp up my own fitness. I have been short-tempered due to pain and insufficient rest, and yet, my happiness quotient has been on a high. 

Going back to attending weekday mass frequently has help centre me, and given me the fortitude I needed to deal with all the change in this new year. I know that I will eventually be able to deal with my new schedule with aplomb, and I look forward to my body making the adjustments. 

The joy I’ve experienced these past weeks have come from spending more time with P who is now on a three-day work week, more face time with my grandkids, topped off very nicely with two weddings and a baptism. 

Both weddings were young couples P and I journeyed with during their RCIA journeys, so it was just lovely to be part of the festivities. Not only was the earthly joy palpable, but the heavenly. The joining of two in matrimony is a union that most resembles the union of Christ and the Church that happens at every Eucharistic celebration and therefore best represents the union each of us is called to with Christ Himself. It brought home to me the beauty of my own wedding day, and I am ever grateful of how that day marked the beginning of a vocation that has given me so much fulfilment as well as how it drew me into a deeper and more profound relationship with Jesus, my eternal Bridegroom. 

The baptism I attended of baby A was in the very church I was baptized just 12 days after I was born. Again, this serendipity made me reflect on my own faith journey. The sacrament of baptism marked me as one of God’s chosen, but it took me years before I wore that identity with passion, and chose to live out this gift intentionally seeking out holiness; to be bread broken for others, as I myself rely completely on the Eucharist. May baby A never take her baptismal covenant lightly and grow to love Christ with an effervescent love.

 

Amid the joy has been loss - deaths that have touched people I know, the birthday of a much-loved cousin who is no longer here, and the news of the death of J, who was in our first RCIA outing as sponsors. 

My major takeaway this month is to not let fear paralyze me and stop me from acting, from doing what is right. And, most of all, to strive to see the light, even in what appears to be darkness.  

Psalm 36:9 For with you is the fountain of life. In your light we see light.

Choosing faith

So we’re coming into Christmas and the end of the year and I finally have a little time to slow down today, which is needed.

It’s been a full-on year filled with teaching Pilates, plus going for classes myself. Keeping fit in this season of life is just so essential to maintaining energy. I haven’t always succeeded, but I’d like to think that all my personal struggles have made me a better teacher. It’s a win I’ll take.

Spouse, grandkids, mother, siblings, children, friends, community – so many intersecting and also disparate circles to tend to - I can honestly say I couldn’t have accomplished a single thing if I hadn’t remained true to wasting time with Jesus every day, be it in prayer and through weekday mass.  

As my SD pointed out recently, we touch Jesus either through the Eucharist, or our neighbour. The path to holiness is really how we touch Christ through others, which we are wont to do when we are ourselves are transformed by His Eucharistic touch on our tongues, and intentionally in our hearts.

Every day, I have to choose whether I want to touch Him, to let Him lead me in doing His will, be it in the vertical or horizontal axis of my faith.  

At last Sunday’s mass, Father Rusdi exhorted us to choose faith, not fear. And I immediately thought how right he was. My knee-jerk reaction in life is to distrust, to be suspicious, to envy, to let FOMO rule my actions, especially when things don’t go the way I think they should. The irrational What if there isn’t enough for me? Gives rise to ungracious and uncharitable thoughts. It is a constant struggle processing this fear of scarcity I learnt as a child and to allow the truth of God’s abundance bring me to gratitude and generosity.

If I have learned anything in this year, it is this: God is faithful, deeply caring, and generous in every aspect of my existence. He gives and never stops giving. He even gives me things I did not seek but somehow needed. That is truly the goodness of God that I can testify to in these last months.

I have received so many consolations, grace upon grace that I am immeasurably thankful for and I feel very loved.

The best way to thank Him is to keep on believing, keep on going when the going seems tough, and to keep on shining His light in this world of darkness. It doesn’t mean there will not be loss, chaos, sorrow, disappointment and disruption, but to persevere in faith; be open and humble and let God lead every step of the way.

As I know that faith itself is a gift, this is the git I seek not just this Christmas, but for 2026 and beyond.         

Nine strong

As the poet* put it I do wonder what you and I did till we loved

How was it possible that life though

full and rich was yet incomplete? 

Marriage being the true expression of how 

You and I are meant to worship God,

To glorify Him through each other.

So much joy, laughter and fulfilment  - who knew?

Even as I have been challenged, perplexed and discouraged. 

Nine years have flown by and 

I give thanks for every minute 

Especially the tough ones.

Love is a word that now has

So many colours and nuances

Voluptuous and delicious.

I am ever grateful for it all.

And I look forward to it all.

*John Donne’s The Good Morrow

Relentlessly pursued

Over last weekend, my community, ICPE Mission Singapore, was on retreat in Batam. We were privileged to have Father Shawn Wong, our fairly newly minted ICPE priest who now resides in Malta with us. 

While there is much to still process, I was very much inspired by how we were led to reflect on how our thirst, fears, weaknesses and getting lost can be turned around, just as Saint Mother Teresa, Saint Peter, King David and Saint Ignatius did it by turning always to the One who pursues us. 

Lord I never thought

You thirsted for me 

As I thirst for you

But with so much more 

Passion 

Perseverance

Putting me to shame.

Will you please quell my fears

I’m rabidly anxious 

Rife with craven responses 

Making me small 

Viciously mean

Not the me you created

So riddled am I with weakness

Morally lost, adrift

In a sea of seething chaos. 

Please, please give me 

the heart of Zacchaeus

A humble, contrite heart 

You will not spurn 

I say yes to You:

Yes that You must stay 

in my house today.

Close to You

Making Your will mine

I can change my world 

Set it on fire so all may find You

Even in arid darkness,

For You are my light.

Light that dissipates all fear

I may still be weak

But Your power

Surges through me 

Perfection in action

I can be Your rock

For You are mine.

When I am lost

I will always find my way  

Holy indifference 

Finding You in all things

For Your every way is best.

Please put me not to the test 

You who are strong and kind*.

* The song Jesus Strong and Kind is written by Rich Thompson, Jonny Robinson, Michael Farren, and Colin Buchanan

Anniversary gift

I dreamt of you last night

You were alive!

The mission remains unchanged

Transforming lives

Bringing them to Jesus

So they know all about Him:

Love, joy, peace, hope and faith

Goodness, truth and beauty

Restoring proper dignity

Everyone is seen, heard and known.

You were there, then you weren’t,

His lady of apparitions

God’s gift to me even now

Still making a difference

For love transcends death

And love keeps on going and growing. 

Chicken bone reflection

I had a chicken bone stuck down my throat a couple of nights ago for I was talking and eating and not really paying attention to what I was swallowing. By morning its presence was not so palpable but off I went to the doctors to get a scope and X-ray done. In the midst of all this, I was praying and I asked for the intercession of Saint Blaise, who was known for helping people with objects stuck in their throats. As I shuttled from seeing the doctor to X-ray and back, I could feel that there was no longer an obstruction, all that was left was an abrasion caused by the bone being lodged there temporarily. When I woke up this morning, even that had healed.

Lately, my most common source of sin has been caused by my tongue. I use it too freely to criticize, scold, yell and speak harsh words. Of course I am highly irritable and grouchy due to my inability to rest well at night, and body parts that have been screaming in pain, but that doesn’t give me license to let self-righteous anger take over every time. This form of anger has become a habit, for it is a family sin, one I have learned only too well from my paternal grandmother and my father. We love to play the blame game. But I refuse to let it inhabit my psyche any longer so I have been seeking to eradicate it although it has become that proverbial thorn in my side that may not completely go away, but I will do whatever I can to minimize the harm it can do.

P shared that he was a real terror in his younger days, but when he learned that anger did not really solve problems, he stopped giving it free reign. Looking at him today, no one would know he is hot-tempered for he is placid and amiable in disposition. I must say, I am in equal parts impressed, irritated and inspired. He makes it look so easy, but he has had years of discipline.

So I take a leaf (or more) out of P’s book and it is about accepting people for who they are, the good and the bad, the strengths and the weaknesses – I need to love the whole package of any individual I encounter, whether family member, friend or stranger. And I need to do this consistently, day in, day out.    

It is also about being proficient and flexible in each encounter so as to be able to attenuate the poor responses that come from the other’s (or others’) weaknesses and to encourage them to grow in their strengths. When we attempt to make each encounter a good one, it will be life-giving for both parties. We will both walk away from the encounter enriched. This calls for divine wisdom, a wisdom that comes only if I walk closely with God all the time.

It is so easy to fall away, this race we run of being missionary disciples and it requires us to exercise a single-minded and indefatigable faith. Just as the Father pursues us relentlessly in love, so must we pursue Him relentlessly in response.  

We cannot rest on our laurels, get complacent and fat, and stop trying to be a work in progress. I need to constantly review how I did every day and see where I have failed, and to try and do things better the next day. Thus the practice of reflection with a spirit of self-improvement is key to insight and clarity so as to enable us to come back onto the right path when we all too often veer off-track.    

I thank God for the way the chicken bone went down without any need for intervention, and I am grateful for the intercession of Saint Blaise who was a healer of both the body and the soul. He was someone people sought not just for the physical or spiritual healing, but many were attracted to him because he was virtuous and holy, and he inspired others just by being who he was – a man of God, a man for God alone. May I grow each day to be more like him. 

Beloved always

We left Fatima last Saturday after spending two and a half days there on our own. It was a much needed rest and spiritual break where I could just be with Jesus and His mother, and focus on the message of Fatima - of repentance and prayer.  

Every morning P and I  traced the path Francisco, Jacinta and Lucia took every day from their homes in Aljustrel to Cova da Iria, where they pastured their sheep (and it marks the site of the last apparition and the miracle of the spinning sun).

We did the Stations of the Cross surrounded by groves of olive trees and along the way we stopped by Loca do Anjo where the angel of peace appeared to the three children twice. 

We also stopped by Valinhos where Our Lady appeared to them a fourth time on 19 August 1917. 

In Aljustrel itself, a small hamlet, we visited the houses where the three children lived and also the well where the angel of Portugal appeared to them.

And, of course, we went for mass in the Chapel of Apparitions daily, prayed in the new and old minor basilicas, and visited the sanctuary museums.

The highlight for me was being able to participate in the candlelit procession within the sanctuary complex nightly with thousands of other believers.  It is during such moments where I truly felt that prayer transforms the world and I was part of this intercessory effort.

After the last mass before our departure (I gatecrashed a group of Indonesian pilgrims having private mass) as the English mass didn’t materialize as scheduled) I felt my heart sing, full of joy and peace. My spiritual cup was full. I felt blessed and loved by the Lord and His mother. 

No matter what life throws at me, I know that these experiences of deep intimacy and grace will be with me forever, like how I know, in a very real way, I am His beloved daughter till I die, and beyond. 

Return to Fatima

We are back in Fatima after our short and unsatisfactory first visit a couple of years ago. 

This time we arrived yesterday at mid-day and we could immerse ourselves in prayer with  mass, praying the rosary twice and finishing it off with the nightly candlelit procession in the square. We of course took time to visit the sights around the shrine, the religious art and artefacts, the highlight being the crown which holds the bullet removed from Saint John Paul II after the attempted assassination. 

Although I pray the rosary on my own every day, I have to say these communal rosaries are a source of light and blessing on their own. The sight of thousands of candles lifted higher in unison as we sang Ave Maria brings me hope for a better tomorrow and a confidence that we, humans, can fix our own messes if we lift our hearts in prayer. 

I am grateful for this time of grace, and I look forward to the next two days as P and I attempt to walk closer with Jesus and Mary in this sacred space.

Bringing God into the world

You bring God into the world through prayer - that was the simple yet profound pearl of wisdom my SD offered me last Friday when I visited him. 

We were catching up on life as usual, and I was sharing on how I facilitated a session on allowing God to guide us to the neophytes and parishioners during a recent retreat at Blessed Sacrament Church. 

Discernment has been something I have been preoccupied with ever since I experienced conversion twenty-two years ago and I have experimented with all forms of prayer, going through seasons of richness and dryness along the way. One thing, however, has remained constant in my life, and that is the desire to do His will in all things. 

Prayer is the only way, really. Not that the Spirit doesn’t guide us when we are on the move and in the midst of life’s busyness. The moment we say to Him my life is yours, I want to do Your will, then He honours it by guiding and protecting us, every waking moment (and even as we sleep).

Of course this fiat must come with a certain disposition of heart, that we remain open and obedient, and that we lead lives nourished spiritually by the Word of God, the sacraments and the traditions of the Church DAILY. We must be pure in mind and heart, avoiding sin at every turn. 

This is the first part of bringing God into the world through prayer, where we first allow ourselves to be transformed through our worship. The second part involves our active participation, where we live and breathe the holiness of the Trinity in our words and actions. 

This latter part is where the rubber meets the road, and we must make every effort to ensure we are on the right track (pardon the pun) - to be holy, as Jesus was, to be fully engaged in the lives of others, bringing healing peace and joy. 

My talk took inspiration from Nicky Gumbel’s Alpha course, as well as Peter Kreeft’s article on discernment. What I found most useful was this from Kreeft*: 

All God's signs should line up, by a kind of trigonometry. There are at least seven such signs: (1) Scripture, (2) church teaching, (3) human reason (which God created), (4) the appropriate situation, or circumstances (which he controls by his providence), (5) conscience, our innate sense of right and wrong, (6) our individual personal bent or desire or instincts, and (7) prayer. Test your choice by holding it up before God's face. If one of these seven voices says no, don't do it. If none say no, do it.

This cocktail of spiritual and conventional wisdom, stirred by the Holy Spirit through prayer and right Christian living helps bring clarity and sound action. Kreeft’s pragmatic approach really speaks to me. Know what God wants, know what Jesus would do, then do what I want (taking into consideration who I am and where I am currently), guided firmly by the Holy Spirit.

Certainly we will make mistakes along the way, and we may not always attain the desired level of clarity, or worse, we may be finding it hard going along a previously discerned path and get disheartened, and yet, in all this, if God is our True North, then He will always bring us back onto the “right” route. 

I must say I am always amazed by God’s ingenuity at problem-solving, and I am always grateful for how He provides so abundantly through the people He has put into my life, and how He responds so tenderly to me and my needs, big and small. 

* https://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/discernment.htm

Missing you much

My mood has been slightly pensive since yesterday for today is my father’s death anniversary - 22 years gone.

What has come up in my prayers as I sit with my memories of his last days on earth is how blessed we all were during those awfully challenging days.

Blessed because God sent many angels to minister to him. Someone (I don’t even know his name) would come pray with him regularly as did my cousin E. My uncle P would come and administer the Eucharist to him every week.  The hospice nurse and doctor would pop by to dispense advice as well. My cousin A would visit frequently, and he also helped out with expenses. My aunt S would cook for him and bring him lunch frequently as well.

Throughout all this, I got to witness my Dad’s courage and tenacity as well as his transformation from a man who had transgressed a lot into a man who came back to God and got to know Jesus in a very special way. He exuded a deep peace that spoke of great spiritual healing, and he prayed, offering up his suffering for others. 

I know he is now with Jesus in heaven and he continues to pray for all those whom he loved - not just my mother and us, his children, but my entire extended family. My father had a great love for family and he exercised a generous love with all of us. I know that generosity of heart is still doing good things for those of us who are left behind. 

Thank you, Dad, from the bottom of my heart. Your one and only. 

Praying power

There is an apocryphal quote: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I can identify with this insanity more commonly known as being stubborn, or what the Bible calls hardness of heart. 

We can be like Pharoah, who simply refused to let Moses and the Israelites go despite wave after wave of plagues that devastated the land. Every time he bargained with Moses and the situation improved, he reneged on his promise. 

For years I refused to turn back to God going after my own idea of romantic love, chronically suffering from either deprivation or spiritual indigestion due to its improper nature. It was pure insanity to latch on to relationships that would never end well and resulted in addictive behaviour and low self-esteem. 

Snapping out of this endless cycle of bashing my head against the wall was pure grace. God never got tired of looking out for me and calling me to journey home to a truth, a beauty and a goodness that was found in Him, and was actually what I was looking for all that time. 

Having entrusted my life wholly to Him since 2003, I now spend my days doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting the different results He wills in my life. I pray; not just every morning or every evening, but many times in between. I have a running conversation with Him, constantly measuring my actions against the Jesus standard (a.k.a. What would Jesus do?).

I ask for the Holy Spirit to lead me after asking for the openness to hear His inspirations and then follow through with action. He is my action guru. 

I seek for the Father’s protection from my own foolish inclinations, knowing what I perceive or feel like doing is often not objective or intrinsically good. 

Yesterday N received the Primary One ballot results for C. She got in despite there being only 86 spots available versus 117 applications. As spots would first be given to applicants residing within a two-kilometre radius from the school, C’s chances of getting in were, as N put it, terrible. 

Throwback to a year ago when N made known her desire to have C attend her alma mater, P and I began praying for this. Along the way I also began to pray for E as her mother, J, had the same desire of seeing her daughter attend her old school. 

While P and I thought St Nick’s was the right school choice, and prayed for this outcome, we also prayed that this outcome was what God willed as the right one for both little girls, C and E. 

Praying (and fasting at times) this same intercessory prayer for a year might seem like insanity, if not merely futile, but we never got tired of offering up to the Lord our desires and plans. 

Certainly there were moments of doubt, but there were also moments of pure peace, knowing it would happen as God would provide. I even told C a year ago she was going to St Nick’s for this sat well within me (of course I was not 100 percent sure if this certainty came from me alone or was divine inspired). 

P received confirmation of a successful ballot on Pentecost while I received mine early yesterday morning when I saw C and E rocking the white top and blue pinafore as I prayed. 

In all this, I thank God. I cannot begin to describe how I felt when I received the news of the successful ballot from N. I was mega in awe, super grateful and I just wanted to hug everyone I met yesterday. 

An insight that came to me in all this is one connected to mission. P and I were talking about mission and while his exercised gifts are so widely acknowledged and far-reaching, I like that mine are more invisible, barely discernible, yet equally vital. 

Both P and I know exactly what and where are our mission fields even as our landscapes constantly shift. We both also know that our yeses will give rise to sacrifice (Herculean at times) and to doing the same thing over and over again without flagging in zeal and passion. 

Oftentimes the work, or should I say, our efforts, may not seem worthwhile, and self-doubt may creep in, we both know, saying yes to God with the same level of faith is an act of will, a daily process, a constant renewal of our baptismal office, and one which will yield different results in ways we never imagined possible. 

And I hold fast to 2 Thessalonians 3:13: Brothers and sisters, do not be weary in doing what is right.