Turning the bad into good

Before the year began, I knew that 2026 would be quite a challenging year for me, and I was bracing myself. I haven’t been wrong, it has been challenging, both physically and emotionally gruelling. Despite attempts to be physically fit and strong, it hasn’t quite worked out ever since I twisted my ankle carelessly earlier this year.

My weight has yo-yoed due to my erratic exercise regime, and I am in pain frequently, while sleep has been patchy. I would say I have hit rock bottom several times already this year, experiencing despair. I don’t look good and I don’t feel healthy. Worst, I succumbed to emotional eating these last two weeks so my self-respect is at an all-time low.

The recent weeks have been a record high in terms of stress. First, my mother had a close brush with Covid which she somehow managed to avoid, thank God! But it meant that I had to visit her daily to help with her showers until she could move back to her home. There were sleepless nights out of fear that she might fall very sick if she got it as she is of an age where she is fragile, and it will not take much to tip the balance of health. 

Then, our goldie who had surgery in June was diagnosed with gum cancer about two weeks ago. Managing the situation and trying to decide what’s best for Max has been tough. There are blood stains on the floor, which, while unsightly and alarming, are not indicative of his quality of life, considered reasonable, as advised by our vet. We are taking it a week at a time, but knowing that the end is nigh for we would not want him to suffer in any way. 

P’s eczema flare ups (that started in May) heightened dramatically and I would say we are still trying to get a handle on the situation. Not quite understanding what has been happening, or how best to deal with it has been worrying and frustrating. P’s stoicism is admirable, but my heart bleeds a little every time I look at his blisters. 

Amidst all this, my schedule has not really permitted me to see people whom I really want to visit. I was not able to visit Dad at the columbarium on his birthday, or B, who shares the same birthday. I also have quite a few people, some whom I love dearly, who are dealing with their current cancer treatment and it’s hard not to be affected by their suffering when I pray for them.

I could go on ad infinitum, but I won’t for I am equally grateful that the Lord has been with me all this time. I have also had wonderful moments of great joy. Seeing my grandkids every day and being able to interact with them brings me great satisfaction and fulfilment.   

I know I am greatly loved for I can feel the Father’s protective hand on me when I drive (and there has been a lot of driving this year, so not my most favourite thing). His promptings help me navigate my days, and I am plod through my days, giving thanks for few mishaps, while trying to maintain a cheerful heart.  

My vocation has sharpened and expanded this year. P and I recently said yes to becoming Couple Mentors to assist those discerning marriage. In the meantime, we are full sail into another round of RCIA. It is highly rewarding to be able to serve together in the same ministries.

Family life has also taken on new colours and layers that require me to use more of my gifts. It has been daunting, and tiring, but at the same time, I have rediscovered talents which I had not nurtured properly in the past. There is a point of redemption here, a chance for me to make good a second time around. I call it divine irony as I say to Him quizzically “Really?”. 

Do I love my life now? There are many more moments of self-hate and self-doubt due to stress-related screw-ups on my part, but I know I can do this if I cling to Jesus, and if I allow my surrender to be transformed into acts of faith that can bring life to others. So I would say an increase of God-moments has been concomitant.

Yes, I do love my life, both the good and the bad. The “bad” has helped me grow more child-like in my faith. I am able to trust Him more whole-heartedly; to seek Him in all things, and find Him in all situations. I know that His grace is sufficient for me, so I ask only for the grace to be able to renew and align my heart and mind to His every day, and thus to sally forth. 

As Roman 12:2 reminds: Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect. 

I’ll be taking the good and the bad without losing my focus on executing His will daily.

Library books and rabbit holes

It all began with a misplaced library book a couple of weeks back that had me on a search that led to sleepless nights. Sleep has become such a precious commodity in recent years for it is with great difficulty that I am able to get a decent amount of sleep. It almost seems to me that I have to perform an ever-changing algorithm of winding down steps before I can even hope to achieve restful sleep. 

Blame it on menopause and the diminishing level of hormones that make for brain fog, exhaustion due to lack of sleep, and a strung-out personality super susceptible to "stress". Things that didn't faze me in the past, have become giants that loom dangerously close in my emotional landscape, causing me to panic. 

There I went, down the rabbit hole, lightheaded from lack of sleep, yet needing to be on top of things, but not quite achieving it; dropping balls left, right and centre, while having to face bizarre turns of events that have left me baffled. 

This is real life. Suck it up. Nothing catastrophic has happened, by God's grace, so I am ever grateful for this. Although the constant tiredness and the niggling pain from an injury that refuses to go away, no matter what I do have worn me down, I am happy that I am alive and able to do all the things I want to do or need to get done. 

I am happy that my faith has helped me navigate these waters that threaten to overwhelm my psyche. I know that the Lord is my help and my shield, and that He reigns, sovereign over my life. When I have no control over any situation, I turn to Him and let Him take control. Surrender is my middle name. I just do my part by praying through it all and reverencing Him when I can through daily mass. 

I try to always do the right thing, as my conscience dictates, even when my emotions pull me in the opposite direction. And I show up for all my commitments, even thought I'd rather be home, curled up in a ball, licking my wounds. 

My greatest takeaway from this particular rabbit hole is to show up unfailingly, do what's right for all concerned even if it inconveniences me and makes me unpopular. God will do the rest - and He has. He has smoothed my path in lots of different ways. He has been with me every step of the way, nudging me along with encouragement and wise words. I feel very blessed. I am still learning not to give in to knee-jerk anger, snap judgements, and to grow in empathy. This one is a biggie. 

Most of all, I have allowed Him to show me how much I am loved, through the people He has placed in my life, and this love is all I need to help me carry on. Thanks to all who helped me climb out of this particular rabbit hole.   

Peace thoughts

Someone made a comment last week that had me reflecting on peace. Beyond a felt sense of calm and stillness, or an experience of inner serenity, peace is, for me, emotional stability and the ability to deal with stress in an intentional manner that predictably promotes harmony and brings life, without sacrificing my own integrity and dignity. 

Inner peace comes with a healthy amount of self-awareness, self acceptance, and self-respect. I know who I am, what my giftings and limitations are, and I accept and love myself for who I am, and where I am at (in this particular season of life). This, then, enables me to walk in this world governed by clear principles founded on my Christian faith. This helps me be at peace with my daily choices and decisions, by doing what Christ had done, and would continue to do.

Sure, apple carts are upset occasionally, storms do stir up something fierce, but nothing that can destroy my peace for long. Instead of reacting in despair, I can take it in prayer, and consequently respond in a manner that is measured and deliberately positive. I am not out to win any popularity contests, so if someone doesn’t like me or my actions, it’s their problem. I will not stop doing what I know to be the right thing to do. I will put ego and self-interest aside, and diligently pursue actions that opt for the greater good. 

I found this weekend’s readings apt. Peace is something that Jesus came to give us, a peace the world cannot give. In the first reading from Zechariah 9:9-10, the prophet tells us that our king is victorious, but humble, for He comes riding on a colt, the foal of a donkey. Despite this rather incongruous picture of power, He will proclaim peace for the nations, and His message will reach the ends of the earth. This Scripture tells me to proclaim the Lord’s peace as humbly as I can, and to not be afraid to promote it unceasingly.

We get a clearer picture of how to attain this peace ourselves in Saint Paul's letter to the Romans (chapter 8, verses 9, 11-13): focus on the spiritual, that is, the awareness that each of us has the Spirit of Christ living is us. If we celebrate this knowledge, then we can also celebrate that we have life through Christ, not just eternal life, but the ability to live this life with radical self-giving; a pouring out of our lives for the Lord in love and service.

Finally we are given the gospel from Matthew, chapter 11, verses 25-30. Revelations (and wisdom) come to little children, not the learned or the clever. If I centre myself on Jesus, and I rely on Him as a child does, with child-like trust, then I can know Him, and my Father, and I will also get to know their will for me. Should I choose to exercise their will for me, then, nothing can faze me in life, for He will give me the necessary gumption to see things through. 

His promise to each one of us who labour and are overburdened is rest in our souls, especially if we take upon ourselves His yoke. Jesus promises an easy yoke and a light burden which does not literally translate into a life of ease or easier options, but rather His yoke will bring peace of mind, and the ability to see difficult times through with a lighter spirit. If I am led by the Holy Spirit, who is gentle and humble of heart, then I know I will always act in the best possible way that will bless others, and eventually bless myself. Eternal life here I come. 

Thank you Father Karol for this final piece of advice today: we can ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen our wills so that we can live according to the Spirit. In Christ’s peace. 

Birthday wishes from earth

It was your birthday yesterday.

You have been travelling with me these last weeks,

Alive in my thoughts, my emotions

Especially in Lourdes

Where we were supposed to visit together

Sadness and gratitude shrouded me in a fine mist

Tears for all you have been in my life

Much beloved and deeply missed

 Never forgotten ever.

Led by light

Grace upon grace is how I would describe my last two weeks during a Marian pilgrimage spanning France, Spain and Portugal. When one is determined to seek the Lord’s face, He will be found. What’s more His protective hand is always upon those He loves, whether we realize it or not. 

I somehow knew that all the difficulties we encountered, personally and collectively whether before or during the trip, were an indication of great blessings to come. 

Despite the severe allergy reaction that P suffered so much that he thought he would have to forgo the trip_

 

Despite the flight cancellation that left us trawling a very busy Frankfurt airport for over 12 hours due to cancelled flights because of bad weather_ 

Despite the missed day in Rue de Bac, one of my favourite streets in Paris due to its concentration of my favourite saints_ 

Despite the gruelling road trips that have left me and others exhausted and in some level of physical discomfort_

P made the trip thanks to the collective prayer of fellow pilgrims and friends. I am extremely grateful for all who prayed - thank you all again!

We were blessed with great weather. In this statement I would include the rainy day in Lourdes that cooled down the subsequent days considerably and made them pleasantly cool. The day the weather turned unbearably hot was the day we returned home to Singapore on 12 June. 

A forgotten phone in Lourdes, a forgotten bag in a toilet, a forgotten wallet in a pit stop - all were retrieved intact, and returned to their respective owners. 

Travel on the roads was smooth. Our lovely bus captain Anderson ensured we got safely from place to place, and he even drove a couple of hours from Porto to bid us goodbye in Fatima on his off day. Despite the inability to communicate with him, we felt his love and hopefully he felt ours. 

Ivan, our passionate and unflappable tour leader ensured we celebrated mass in special locations. I believe our group experienced things that many other groups of pilgrims would not have, such as the privilege of bearing the cross and canopy during the Eucharistic candlelight procession in Fatima. Plus, his wealth of stories, of faith-filled miracles, inspired greatly, and made me think a little deeper about my faith. 

We celebrated feast days such as the Sacred Heart of Jesus (fittingly at Santa Rem where a Eucharistic miracle resides), that reminded us of how Mother Mary always leads us to Jesus, her Son. 

We celebrated the lives of many saints - Bernadette, Jean Vianney, Maximilian Kolbe, James, John Paul II,  Francisco, Jacinta and soon-to-be Lucia - who show us all the way to Jesus with their humility and holiness. 

Saints, present and future

One couple celebrated 37 years of marriage during our trip, while another will celebrate 50 next month. Both couples are witnesses of God-centred marriages in their mutual love of each other and I felt blessed to celebrate their milestones with them.

We each took a break from our daily lives, laden with problems and personal sorrows, to seek the One who is with us in the peaks as well as the darkest valleys of our lives. This pilgrimage gives each of us special graces to strengthen our faith, aiding us in running our own respective races before we reach eternal life.

 

Father Francis reminded us to guard our graces when we return home for it is easy to forget all we have received in these two weeks, and fall back into negative patterns of behaviour, to stop loving as Christians should.

Personally, it has been a time of renewed surrender and transformation, of deeper conversion, a time of metanoia. I have also enjoyed and been inspired by fellow pilgrims, new acquaintances and old, my brothers and sisters in the blood of Christ. 

Last but by no means least, I give thanks for Father Francis, who was available to be our Spiritual Director on this trip. He brought with him the ICPE Mission charisms of worship and evangelization that made the love of Christ a very real and living thing to each person present. 

My biggest takeaway this pilgrimage is that we all bear

crosses that may be heavy, but nothing we cannot handle if we surrender it all to Him. Moreover, we must not forget that our crosses are often beacons of light that lead others, especially those who are lost, back to Christ. 

 I was reminded to serve with more willingness and cheerfulness so that many will come to know and love Him as much as I do, if not more; and to walk the way of the Cross in His light alone, in fidelity, daily.

Finding faith

Many emotions flooded through me when we visited Lourdes again after nine years. It was our honeymoon then and the one thing that hasn’t changed in that time is our deep love for our Lady and her Son. Yet, we have come so far, as individuals, and as a couple. Immensely grateful and still amazed at the multiple blessings we have experienced. By grace, our faith has grown because of our marriage, and in spite of it. 😜  

Lourdes felt familiar and dear to us, much like an old friend. I felt a sense of homecoming and I was heartened to note the number of young pilgrims to the shrine. Their brightly coloured hats brought a vibrancy to the place which was uplifting. 

P and I are on a Marian pilgrimage that covers France, Spain and Portugal. From its inception, this trip has been fraught with many obstacles and challenges, too many to enumerate. But, by His grace, we are here, and we seek His strength through our surrender, inspired very much so by Mother Mary herself, the immaculate Conception.  

Thus far, the word that keeps coming up repeatedly is humility and our great need of it, if we are to make His will ours.

The humility of Saint Bernadette who does not forget anyone, and that of Saint Jean Vianney who won over his parishioners and radically transformed not just them, but scores of people who travelled from afar, just to make their confession with him. 

We have now finished our France leg and have crossed over to Spain where we will visit the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona after our eight-hour bus ride. I look forward to the surfeit of beauty that owes its form to the imagination of Antoni Gaudi. 

I thank God for His journey mercies, for thanks to intermittent rain, it has been cool with no sign of the heat wave that visited Europe a week ago. His love never ceases to amaze.

Dementia lesson

M has dementia. When I first came face to face with it I was quite upset. The last time I saw M, compos mentis, was in 2021, and she was her bubbly and exuberant self. She greeted me with an enthusiastic hug, as was her wont. M is a great hugger - her hugs made you feel extremely cherished and loved.

About a month back I was delighted to bump into her for it has been a while. She looked her usual self, whippet thin and active, pottering around in the garden. I called out a delighted greeting. She smiled and said hello, no recognition on her face at all, just a friendly demeanour reserved for strangers. When I asked for directions to a place not five metres away, she was clueless. I was in shock and greatly dismayed as I came to the flash conclusion of her cognitive impairment. I immediately mourned the four years I had not made any effort to visit her.

Her dementia had surfaced two years back, but it is fairly progressive for she has lost over 20 years of memory in that short span of time. I am no longer familiar to her. There are bursts of recognition, but they are fleeting and few.

M entered my life when I was on my spiritual quest post-conversion in 2004. At weekly meetings, she would often guide me, and those present, with her input or responses that brought years’ of spiritual wisdom. She did much in repairing my vision of what a nun was supposed to be like for she was full of joy and gentle, with goodness secreting out of every pore. I loved her wit, her quicksilver mind and her passion for justice, especially for those who were marginalized. She introduced me to saints like Dorothy Day and Satoko Kitahara, who inspired me to do more for the socially disadvantaged.

One retreat she ran for the Woman to Woman Ministry that was pivotal for me was the one where I learned what my personal name was; the name bestowed on me by my heavenly Father. This helped me define my spirituality as it strengthened my identity founded in Him.

Because of who she was, a woman who greatly loved Jesus, and desired that others around would experience His love in the way she did, I, too, aspired to be like her and do likewise.

M was truly instrumental in helping me shape my spirituality during my fast track formative years, and I am ever grateful for everything she did. One regret I have is I am not sure if I ever thanked her properly for the difference she has made in my life, and how much she is loved by me.

M was a woman of many gifts. Besides her gift of spiritual direction or accompaniment, she appreciated art and poetry, and was artistically creative herself. She designed the logo for ICPE Mission’s Woman to Woman Ministry, a beautiful tribute to the love expressed between Mary and a pregnant Elizabeth. 

It is discombobulating to acknowledge that she is physically intact currently, but mentally, she is lost to me in forgotten memories. I mourn her presence, her vitality and spark. I miss those delighted and delightful hugs. I feel as if a part of my life is lost, the me that she once knew and remembered. I feel the weight of my years in the loss of beloved companions, of which she is the latest one. 

 As E would ask, what is Jesus saying in all this? I would say I need to set aside a little time to not just pray for, but to connect with each of my friends on a more regular basis, and especially for those giants on whose shoulders I am standing on. The busyness is no longer an excuse. Neither is being lousy at keeping in touch. I will start by visiting Sister M a little more regularly. Hopefully, my friends will also get to hear from me a little more often. 

A ten for divine mercy

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday, a feast very close to my heart for P and I met exactly on Divine Mercy Sunday 10 years ago. Today P and I also celebrate 112 months of marriage it being the 12th of the month. The coincidence  evokes a mix of amusement and wonder for I know there are no coincidences in life, only God-incidences. 

I look at the symmetry in the numbers as a wink from the Lord, reminding me that it was divine mercy that P and I met and got married, and even now, both P and I must rely on divine mercy to keep our marriage going strong, besides always seeking the good of the other.   

After 10 years, it is easy to get complacent and cruise on auto pilot. I admit I do take certain things for granted, and I may not try as hard as I did before. I am not as attentive as I was and I am sure I overlook signs of unspoken needs which I would have  previously caught and done my best to fulfil. 

This is true of any relationship in life, really. As I get comfortable within the confines of a familial relationship, I am less patient and compassionate, less tolerant of the other’s perceived weaknesses. So it bears remembering how much I value each relationship and to constantly value it in concrete ways. 

If I love my mother, I must show it by swallowing my irritation when she forgets something that results in my stressing out as I rush to complete the task in limited time. Less self-righteous grousing even if fully justified.

Likewise, in my forever marriage, what I truly desire is ending the day with more laughs and smiles than petty arguments and being at odds over the small stuff. I want to look back and remember all the many wonderful things we did together, and this is not only about the highlights, the vacations taken, but also the lived experiences of daily life that are lit with affection and true companionship.  

Looking back on these 10 years of life made new by the gift of love, I am still amazed at how it happened and what has happened in 10 years. We have packed a whole lot of loving, living and growing. We have grown close to each other and we have grown much as individuals, buttressed by the roots of spousal support and sacrifice. More importantly, we each have also grown in our respective relationships with the Almighty.

I am grateful for the 10 years, and I look forward to more decades of being together. In order to realize my desire of making them phenomenal years, I truly need all the wisdom and compassion of divine mercy to make it happen. Jesus, I trust in you. 

Thankful for Easter

It is finally Easter and while I am so grateful for how the Lord has been merciful and giving in so many different ways, I feel unworthy and not quite able to embrace the generosity of this gift of resurrected and eternal life. 

Certainly I know I will never be fully deserving of how much I am loved by Him through all the people in my life, but the lesson I learnt most this Lent was to get over myself, my sinful tendencies, my inadequacies and the need to be perfect and have everything turn out perfectly (in my world) - so not happening, and, it WILL never happen. 

Life is messy and ever-changing; there are consistently grains of sand in the shoe of my daily life that irritate my consciousness and zap all the energy and good humour out of me. Here is where I am called to stretch - my imagination, my spirituality, my character, my outlook, my opinions, my personality…the list is endless.

I have become a sleep-deprived, strung out, cortisol overloaded being with persistent muscular pains. I am a walking disaster. Giving up, however, is not an option. So Lent coincided with me trying to overcome my struggles and setbacks, and the emotional and physical rock bottom I hit in the first part of this year. I actually felt depressed, something I have not felt in years. 

Prayer, receiving the Eucharist as much as I can, and regular exercise have helped nourish my well being and helped me claw my way out of this abyss of hopelessness. As I shared earlier, it’s also the ability not to take myself and all the situations that surround me so seriously and to put things into perspective (not merely relying on my own shortsighted and blinkered vision). 

I can literally hear the Holy Spirit saying to me: 

Get over yourself and your bruised ego. Stop being such a strawberry drama queen. It’s not all about you. 

And it’s really not the end of the world even if you feel like it is. Life can and does go on, quite unimaginably and miraculously well, too. 

Tempting as it may be, do not pick up crosses that don’t belong to you. Yes, serve, but with boundariesboundariesboundaries.

Curate your emotions. Temper them with prayerful wisdom. 

You’re forgiven all the time, so forgive others all the time. 

There are so many blessings in your life, focus on them. 

Whatever you cannot control, let it go, and simply follow me and my ways. I will handle it. 

When you snap at people, apologize, and move on by snapping back into shape. Keep on trying to be the best you. 

Ponder first, then react intentionally, don’t give in to knee-jerk impulses you live to regret. 

Do what you can to remove the grains of sand and be gracious as you go about it even though you are gritting your teeth out of pain.

There is a battlefield within my psyche where good and bad are always at odds, bad grappling to get the upper hand. Not by my strength but His and His alone can I ever succeed, every second, every minute and every hour of the day, day after day.

So this Easter season, I would like to continue to be open, be present, be faithful and to allow the joy of the Risen Lord to permeate my imperfect self and life. And maybe, just maybe, those whom I love, will be infected with the same joy. Happy Easter!

Holy Saturday

Ten years and a day

Divine Mercy Sunday

Was when we last hugged

Spoke briefly after mass

And texted in the evening 

Then you left so suddenly

The silence has been tough

I trusted your judgement 

You listened patiently

With gentle acceptance

Made me feel better  

Oh how I miss you

This Holy Saturday 

The darkness seems just bleaker

Perfect first date

Mother said they must meet

And so it was arranged

A blind date

Both unaware of what portended

It was a meeting of minds 

That blossomed quickly into love

Guided by the Holy Spirit

And of course dear Mother

We bonded and soon knew 

We were meant to be together

Morning mass and breakfast

Was how we’d start our days

The Lord first and always

Thus His plans for us unfolded

Can’t believe it’s been ten years 

Still can’t believe how it all began

Awed still by everything we have

Ever grateful for that first date

That came so late so perfectly

Umbilicus

You are my lifeline, my nexus of growth. 

The healthiest bond between mother and child

Is what I have with you, my Lord and my God.

I am grateful for your gifts that nourish me

Gifts that jumpstart my depleted, low batt spirit

Worn down by stress, frustration and exhaustion  

This surge of vitality makes me whole again:

The sweet child hand in mine nurtures my maternal bent

My husband’s tender solicitude is an affirming hug

The freshly bloomed rose fills my senses with delight

While melodies tripping over the piano keys fill my being with song

Now I can carry on full steaming ahead.

This valuable space afforded me of listening to my body (thank you E)

Reminds me of how important it is to connect

Me to myself and You, before I even attempt with others.

Remembering better days

Quietly elegant

A sweet woman hiding behind 

a reserve seldom breached

Who appreciated beauty

I enjoyed our time together 

When you were still active 

Zipping around in your tiny car

Then your mind started to fail you

So glad I visited you

Spent time with you 

when you were ailing

Until a stroke took away your consciousness

During those stringent COVID days

And now you are gone_

This Sunday past.

Rest in peace, dear L

Remembered fondly

And missed.