Dementia lesson

M has dementia. When I first came face to face with it I was quite upset. The last time I saw M, compos mentis, was in 2021, and she was her bubbly and exuberant self. She greeted me with an enthusiastic hug, as was her wont. M is a great hugger - her hugs made you feel extremely cherished and loved.

About a month back I was delighted to bump into her for it has been a while. She looked her usual self, whippet thin and active, pottering around in the garden. I called out a delighted greeting. She smiled and said hello, no recognition on her face at all, just a friendly demeanour reserved for strangers. When I asked for directions to a place not five metres away, she was clueless. I was in shock and greatly dismayed as I came to the flash conclusion of her cognitive impairment. I immediately mourned the four years I had not made any effort to visit her.

 Her dementia had surfaced two years back, but it is fairly progressive for she has lost over 20 years of memory in that short span of time. I am no longer familiar to her. There are bursts of recognition, but they are fleeting and few.

 M entered my life when I was on my spiritual quest post-conversion in 2004. At weekly meetings, she would often guide me, and those present, with her input or responses that brought years’ of spiritual wisdom. She did much in repairing my vision of what a nun was supposed to be like for she was full of joy and gentle, with goodness secreting out of every pore. I loved her wit, her quicksilver mind and her passion for justice, especially for those who were marginalized. She introduced me to saints like Dorothy Day and Satoko Kitahara, who inspired me to do more for the socially disadvantaged.

 One retreat she ran for the Woman to Woman Ministry that was pivotal for me where I learned what my personal name was, that is the name bestowed on me by the Father. This helped me deepen my spirituality as it strengthened my identity founded in Him.

 Because of who she was, a woman who greatly loved Jesus, and desired that others around would experience His love in the way she did, I, too, aspired to be like her and do likewise.

 M was truly instrumental in helping me shape my spirituality during those fast track formative years, and I am ever grateful for everything she did. One regret I have is I am not sure if I ever thanked her properly for the difference she has made in my life, and how much she is loved by me.

 M was a woman of many gifts. Besides her gift of spiritual direction or accompaniment, she

W2W logo

appreciated art and poetry; she was herself artistically creative. She designed the logo for the Woman to Woman Ministry which depicts the mutual love between Elizabeth and Mary.

 It is discombobulating to acknowledge that she is physically intact currently, but mentally, she is lost to me in forgotten memories. I mourn her presence, her vitality and spark. I miss those delighted and delightful hugs. I feel as if a part of my life is lost, the me that she once knew and remembered. I feel the weight of my years in the loss of beloved companions, of which she is the latest one. 

 As E would ask, what is Jesus saying in all this? I would say I need to set aside a little time to not just pray for, but to connect with each of my friends on a more regular basis, and especially for those giants on whose shoulders I am standing on. The busyness is no longer an excuse. Neither is being lousy at keeping in touch. I will start by visiting Sister M a little more regularly. Hopefully, my friends will also get to hear from me a little more often. 

A ten for divine mercy

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday, a feast very close to my heart for P and I met exactly on Divine Mercy Sunday 10 years ago. Today P and I also celebrate 112 months of marriage it being the 12th of the month. The coincidence  evokes a mix of amusement and wonder for I know there are no coincidences in life, only God-incidences. 

I look at the symmetry in the numbers as a wink from the Lord, reminding me that it was divine mercy that P and I met and got married, and even now, both P and I must rely on divine mercy to keep our marriage going strong, besides always seeking the good of the other.   

After 10 years, it is easy to get complacent and cruise on auto pilot. I admit I do take certain things for granted, and I may not try as hard as I did before. I am not as attentive as I was and I am sure I overlook signs of unspoken needs which I would have  previously caught and done my best to fulfil. 

This is true of any relationship in life, really. As I get comfortable within the confines of a familial relationship, I am less patient and compassionate, less tolerant of the other’s perceived weaknesses. So it bears remembering how much I value each relationship and to constantly value it in concrete ways. 

If I love my mother, I must show it by swallowing my irritation when she forgets something that results in my stressing out as I rush to complete the task in limited time. Less self-righteous grousing even if fully justified.

Likewise, in my forever marriage, what I truly desire is ending the day with more laughs and smiles than petty arguments and being at odds over the small stuff. I want to look back and remember all the many wonderful things we did together, and this is not only about the highlights, the vacations taken, but also the lived experiences of daily life that are lit with affection and true companionship.  

Looking back on these 10 years of life made new by the gift of love, I am still amazed at how it happened and what has happened in 10 years. We have packed a whole lot of loving, living and growing. We have grown close to each other and we have grown much as individuals, buttressed by the roots of spousal support and sacrifice. More importantly, we each have also grown in our respective relationships with the Almighty.

I am grateful for the 10 years, and I look forward to more decades of being together. In order to realize my desire of making them phenomenal years, I truly need all the wisdom and compassion of divine mercy to make it happen. Jesus, I trust in you. 

Thankful for Easter

It is finally Easter and while I am so grateful for how the Lord has been merciful and giving in so many different ways, I feel unworthy and not quite able to embrace the generosity of this gift of resurrected and eternal life. 

Certainly I know I will never be fully deserving of how much I am loved by Him through all the people in my life, but the lesson I learnt most this Lent was to get over myself, my sinful tendencies, my inadequacies and the need to be perfect and have everything turn out perfectly (in my world) - so not happening, and, it WILL never happen. 

Life is messy and ever-changing; there are consistently grains of sand in the shoe of my daily life that irritate my consciousness and zap all the energy and good humour out of me. Here is where I am called to stretch - my imagination, my spirituality, my character, my outlook, my opinions, my personality…the list is endless.

I have become a sleep-deprived, strung out, cortisol overloaded being with persistent muscular pains. I am a walking disaster. Giving up, however, is not an option. So Lent coincided with me trying to overcome my struggles and setbacks, and the emotional and physical rock bottom I hit in the first part of this year. I actually felt depressed, something I have not felt in years. 

Prayer, receiving the Eucharist as much as I can, and regular exercise have helped nourish my well being and helped me claw my way out of this abyss of hopelessness. As I shared earlier, it’s also the ability not to take myself and all the situations that surround me so seriously and to put things into perspective (not merely relying on my own shortsighted and blinkered vision). 

I can literally hear the Holy Spirit saying to me: 

Get over yourself and your bruised ego. Stop being such a strawberry drama queen. It’s not all about you. 

And it’s really not the end of the world even if you feel like it is. Life can and does go on, quite unimaginably and miraculously well, too. 

Tempting as it may be, do not pick up crosses that don’t belong to you. Yes, serve, but with boundariesboundariesboundaries.

Curate your emotions. Temper them with prayerful wisdom. 

You’re forgiven all the time, so forgive others all the time. 

There are so many blessings in your life, focus on them. 

Whatever you cannot control, let it go, and simply follow me and my ways. I will handle it. 

When you snap at people, apologize, and move on by snapping back into shape. Keep on trying to be the best you. 

Ponder first, then react intentionally, don’t give in to knee-jerk impulses you live to regret. 

Do what you can to remove the grains of sand and be gracious as you go about it even though you are gritting your teeth out of pain.

There is a battlefield within my psyche where good and bad are always at odds, bad grappling to get the upper hand. Not by my strength but His and His alone can I ever succeed, every second, every minute and every hour of the day, day after day.

So this Easter season, I would like to continue to be open, be present, be faithful and to allow the joy of the Risen Lord to permeate my imperfect self and life. And maybe, just maybe, those whom I love, will be infected with the same joy. Happy Easter!

Holy Saturday

Ten years and a day

Divine Mercy Sunday

Was when we last hugged

Spoke briefly after mass

And texted in the evening 

Then you left so suddenly

The silence has been tough

I trusted your judgement 

You listened patiently

With gentle acceptance

Made me feel better  

Oh how I miss you

This Holy Saturday 

The darkness seems just bleaker

Perfect first date

Mother said they must meet

And so it was arranged

A blind date

Both unaware of what portended

It was a meeting of minds 

That blossomed quickly into love

Guided by the Holy Spirit

And of course dear Mother

We bonded and soon knew 

We were meant to be together

Morning mass and breakfast

Was how we’d start our days

The Lord first and always

Thus His plans for us unfolded

Can’t believe it’s been ten years 

Still can’t believe how it all began

Awed still by everything we have

Ever grateful for that first date

That came so late so perfectly

Umbilicus

You are my lifeline, my nexus of growth. 

The healthiest bond between mother and child

Is what I have with you, my Lord and my God.

I am grateful for your gifts that nourish me

Gifts that jumpstart my depleted, low batt spirit

Worn down by stress, frustration and exhaustion  

This surge of vitality makes me whole again:

The sweet child hand in mine nurtures my maternal bent

My husband’s tender solicitude is an affirming hug

The freshly bloomed rose fills my senses with delight

While melodies tripping over the piano keys fill my being with song

Now I can carry on full steaming ahead.

This valuable space afforded me of listening to my body (thank you E)

Reminds me of how important it is to connect

Me to myself and You, before I even attempt with others.

Remembering better days

Quietly elegant

A sweet woman hiding behind 

a reserve seldom breached

Who appreciated beauty

I enjoyed our time together 

When you were still active 

Zipping around in your tiny car

Then your mind started to fail you

So glad I visited you

Spent time with you 

when you were ailing

Until a stroke took away your consciousness

During those stringent COVID days

And now you are gone_

This Sunday past.

Rest in peace, dear L

Remembered fondly

And missed. 

Lenten renewal

It's a very rare day today for I have no clients and I actually have some time to slow down before I pick my grandson up. I have space to breathe rather than be on the go from the time I wake up till the time I lay my head on my pillow.

I realize that what I had in January was an RSV which truly knocked me out for six. I am still battling fatigue, but it is not that extreme fatigue I felt, and I am heartened for I am finally able to exercise without incurring too much pain due to the sprained ankle. It has been a frustrating period of wanting to keep up my fitness level and yet, literally been hamstrung by the tight muscles and pain in my body. Today I feel good, post-pickleball (the second time I have played since I sprained my ankle). There is finally light at the end of the tunnel of my ankle recovery. 

What have I learned during this period of struggle which also coincides with Lent? There will always be some level of pain and struggle involved in daily life, but the challenge is to not let it affect how I behave. This requires me to be in touch with my darkness and not let it overwhelm me: the anger, fear and depression, the ennui that seeps into my spirit and constantly threatens to transform me into a selfish virago. 

I am grateful for this season of Lent for it has reminded me to constantly turn to God in all things, to offer Him my pain and my failures, my stupidity when I persist in insalubrious acts, and to start again; to exercise wisdom and temperance as well as to be patient, forgiving, amiable and generous. 

Renew my heart. Restart when I fail. Come back to a place of love where I am at one with Him. This has been my Lenten sacrifice: to attempt to go beyond myself; to strip myself of my selfish tendencies and to put others first, namely Jesus. I am called to stretch the boundaries of my blind complacency and to seek excellence in everything I do even though I am tired and limping. It doesn't matter that my first fruits are not perfect, what matters is my heart, my attitude, do I truly desire to give my best to the Lord? I don't often succeed but I cannot stop trying.

While I often feel I am inadequate and simply too sinful to be of any good, renewal calls for me to be in a state of movement, moving always towards Him. And so, I give thanks for today, and for all the days to come that are too full for my liking and filled with tasks I am not overly fond of. He is there with me and with Him, everything will be alright.        

Light perspective

January has been a vortex of activity that has threatened to cripple me. Besides grappling with deep fatigue due to helping out more with the grandkids, I have had to deal with a sprained ankle and being on the cusp of illness a couple of times. It has made for frustrating times as I am trying to ramp up my own fitness. I have been short-tempered due to pain and insufficient rest, and yet, my happiness quotient has been on a high. 

Going back to attending weekday mass frequently has help centre me, and given me the fortitude I needed to deal with all the change in this new year. I know that I will eventually be able to deal with my new schedule with aplomb, and I look forward to my body making the adjustments. 

The joy I’ve experienced these past weeks have come from spending more time with P who is now on a three-day work week, more face time with my grandkids, topped off very nicely with two weddings and a baptism. 

Both weddings were young couples P and I journeyed with during their RCIA journeys, so it was just lovely to be part of the festivities. Not only was the earthly joy palpable, but the heavenly. The joining of two in matrimony is a union that most resembles the union of Christ and the Church that happens at every Eucharistic celebration and therefore best represents the union each of us is called to with Christ Himself. It brought home to me the beauty of my own wedding day, and I am ever grateful of how that day marked the beginning of a vocation that has given me so much fulfilment as well as how it drew me into a deeper and more profound relationship with Jesus, my eternal Bridegroom. 

The baptism I attended of baby A was in the very church I was baptized just 12 days after I was born. Again, this serendipity made me reflect on my own faith journey. The sacrament of baptism marked me as one of God’s chosen, but it took me years before I wore that identity with passion, and chose to live out this gift intentionally seeking out holiness; to be bread broken for others, as I myself rely completely on the Eucharist. May baby A never take her baptismal covenant lightly and grow to love Christ with an effervescent love.

 

Amid the joy has been loss - deaths that have touched people I know, the birthday of a much-loved cousin who is no longer here, and the news of the death of J, who was in our first RCIA outing as sponsors. 

My major takeaway this month is to not let fear paralyze me and stop me from acting, from doing what is right. And, most of all, to strive to see the light, even in what appears to be darkness.  

Psalm 36:9 For with you is the fountain of life. In your light we see light.

Choosing faith

So we’re coming into Christmas and the end of the year and I finally have a little time to slow down today, which is needed.

It’s been a full-on year filled with teaching Pilates, plus going for classes myself. Keeping fit in this season of life is just so essential to maintaining energy. I haven’t always succeeded, but I’d like to think that all my personal struggles have made me a better teacher. It’s a win I’ll take.

Spouse, grandkids, mother, siblings, children, friends, community – so many intersecting and also disparate circles to tend to - I can honestly say I couldn’t have accomplished a single thing if I hadn’t remained true to wasting time with Jesus every day, be it in prayer and through weekday mass.  

As my SD pointed out recently, we touch Jesus either through the Eucharist, or our neighbour. The path to holiness is really how we touch Christ through others, which we are wont to do when we are ourselves are transformed by His Eucharistic touch on our tongues, and intentionally in our hearts.

Every day, I have to choose whether I want to touch Him, to let Him lead me in doing His will, be it in the vertical or horizontal axis of my faith.  

At last Sunday’s mass, Father Rusdi exhorted us to choose faith, not fear. And I immediately thought how right he was. My knee-jerk reaction in life is to distrust, to be suspicious, to envy, to let FOMO rule my actions, especially when things don’t go the way I think they should. The irrational What if there isn’t enough for me? Gives rise to ungracious and uncharitable thoughts. It is a constant struggle processing this fear of scarcity I learnt as a child and to allow the truth of God’s abundance bring me to gratitude and generosity.

If I have learned anything in this year, it is this: God is faithful, deeply caring, and generous in every aspect of my existence. He gives and never stops giving. He even gives me things I did not seek but somehow needed. That is truly the goodness of God that I can testify to in these last months.

I have received so many consolations, grace upon grace that I am immeasurably thankful for and I feel very loved.

The best way to thank Him is to keep on believing, keep on going when the going seems tough, and to keep on shining His light in this world of darkness. It doesn’t mean there will not be loss, chaos, sorrow, disappointment and disruption, but to persevere in faith; be open and humble and let God lead every step of the way.

As I know that faith itself is a gift, this is the git I seek not just this Christmas, but for 2026 and beyond.         

Nine strong

As the poet* put it I do wonder what you and I did till we loved

How was it possible that life though

full and rich was yet incomplete? 

Marriage being the true expression of how 

You and I are meant to worship God,

To glorify Him through each other.

So much joy, laughter and fulfilment  - who knew?

Even as I have been challenged, perplexed and discouraged. 

Nine years have flown by and 

I give thanks for every minute 

Especially the tough ones.

Love is a word that now has

So many colours and nuances

Voluptuous and delicious.

I am ever grateful for it all.

And I look forward to it all.

*John Donne’s The Good Morrow

Relentlessly pursued

Over last weekend, my community, ICPE Mission Singapore, was on retreat in Batam. We were privileged to have Father Shawn Wong, our fairly newly minted ICPE priest who now resides in Malta with us. 

While there is much to still process, I was very much inspired by how we were led to reflect on how our thirst, fears, weaknesses and getting lost can be turned around, just as Saint Mother Teresa, Saint Peter, King David and Saint Ignatius did it by turning always to the One who pursues us. 

Lord I never thought

You thirsted for me 

As I thirst for you

But with so much more 

Passion 

Perseverance

Putting me to shame.

Will you please quell my fears

I’m rabidly anxious 

Rife with craven responses 

Making me small 

Viciously mean

Not the me you created

So riddled am I with weakness

Morally lost, adrift

In a sea of seething chaos. 

Please, please give me 

the heart of Zacchaeus

A humble, contrite heart 

You will not spurn 

I say yes to You:

Yes that You must stay 

in my house today.

Close to You

Making Your will mine

I can change my world 

Set it on fire so all may find You

Even in arid darkness,

For You are my light.

Light that dissipates all fear

I may still be weak

But Your power

Surges through me 

Perfection in action

I can be Your rock

For You are mine.

When I am lost

I will always find my way  

Holy indifference 

Finding You in all things

For Your every way is best.

Please put me not to the test 

You who are strong and kind*.

* The song Jesus Strong and Kind is written by Rich Thompson, Jonny Robinson, Michael Farren, and Colin Buchanan