Library books and rabbit holes

It all began with a misplaced library book a couple of weeks back that had me on a search that led to sleepless nights. Sleep has become such a precious commodity in recent years for it is with great difficulty that I am able to get a decent amount of sleep. It almost seems to me that I have to perform an ever-changing algorithm of winding down steps before I can even hope to achieve restful sleep. 

Blame it on menopause and the diminishing level of hormones that make for brain fog, exhaustion due to lack of sleep, and a strung-out personality super susceptible to "stress". Things that didn't faze me in the past, have become giants that loom dangerously close in my emotional landscape, causing me to panic. 

There I went, down the rabbit hole, lightheaded from lack of sleep, yet needing to be on top of things, but not quite achieving it; dropping balls left, right and centre, while having to face bizarre turns of events that have left me baffled. 

This is real life. Suck it up. Nothing catastrophic has happened, by God's grace, so I am ever grateful for this. Although the constant tiredness and the niggling pain from an injury that refuses to go away, no matter what I do have worn me down, I am happy that I am alive and able to do all the things I want to do or need to get done. 

I am happy that my faith has helped me navigate these waters that threaten to overwhelm my psyche. I know that the Lord is my help and my shield, and that He reigns, sovereign over my life. When I have no control over any situation, I turn to Him and let Him take control. Surrender is my middle name. I just do my part by praying through it all and reverencing Him when I can through daily mass. 

I try to always do the right thing, as my conscience dictates, even when my emotions pull me in the opposite direction. And I show up for all my commitments, even thought I'd rather be home, curled up in a ball, licking my wounds. 

My greatest takeaway from this particular rabbit hole is to show up unfailingly, do what's right for all concerned even if it inconveniences me and makes me unpopular. God will do the rest - and He has. He has smoothed my path in lots of different ways. He has been with me every step of the way, nudging me along with encouragement and wise words. I feel very blessed. I am still learning not to give in to knee-jerk anger, snap judgements, and to grow in empathy. This one is a biggie. 

Most of all, I have allowed Him to show me how much I am loved, through the people He has placed in my life, and this love is all I need to help me carry on. Thanks to all who helped me climb out of this particular rabbit hole.   

Peace thoughts

Someone made a comment last week that had me reflecting on peace. Beyond a felt sense of calm and stillness, or an experience of inner serenity, peace is, for me, emotional stability and the ability to deal with stress in an intentional manner that predictably promotes harmony and brings life, without sacrificing my own integrity and dignity. 

Inner peace comes with a healthy amount of self-awareness, self acceptance, and self-respect. I know who I am, what my giftings and limitations are, and I accept and love myself for who I am, and where I am at (in this particular season of life). This, then, enables me to walk in this world governed by clear principles founded on my Christian faith. This helps me be at peace with my daily choices and decisions, by doing what Christ had done, and would continue to do.

Sure, apple carts are upset occasionally, storms do stir up something fierce, but nothing that can destroy my peace for long. Instead of reacting in despair, I can take it in prayer, and consequently respond in a manner that is measured and deliberately positive. I am not out to win any popularity contests, so if someone doesn’t like me or my actions, it’s their problem. I will not stop doing what I know to be the right thing to do. I will put ego and self-interest aside, and diligently pursue actions that opt for the greater good. 

I found this weekend’s readings apt. Peace is something that Jesus came to give us, a peace the world cannot give. In the first reading from Zechariah 9:9-10, the prophet tells us that our king is victorious, but humble, for He comes riding on a colt, the foal of a donkey. Despite this rather incongruous picture of power, He will proclaim peace for the nations, and His message will reach the ends of the earth. This Scripture tells me to proclaim the Lord’s peace as humbly as I can, and to not be afraid to promote it unceasingly.

We get a clearer picture of how to attain this peace ourselves in Saint Paul's letter to the Romans (chapter 8, verses 9, 11-13): focus on the spiritual, that is, the awareness that each of us has the Spirit of Christ living is us. If we celebrate this knowledge, then we can also celebrate that we have life through Christ, not just eternal life, but the ability to live this life with radical self-giving; a pouring out of our lives for the Lord in love and service.

Finally we are given the gospel from Matthew, chapter 11, verses 25-30. Revelations (and wisdom) come to little children, not the learned or the clever. If I centre myself on Jesus, and I rely on Him as a child does, with child-like trust, then I can know Him, and my Father, and I will also get to know their will for me. Should I choose to exercise their will for me, then, nothing can faze me in life, for He will give me the necessary gumption to see things through. 

His promise to each one of us who labour and are overburdened is rest in our souls, especially if we take upon ourselves His yoke. Jesus promises an easy yoke and a light burden which does not literally translate into a life of ease or easier options, but rather His yoke will bring peace of mind, and the ability to see difficult times through with a lighter spirit. If I am led by the Holy Spirit, who is gentle and humble of heart, then I know I will always act in the best possible way that will bless others, and eventually bless myself. Eternal life here I come. 

Thank you Father Karol for this final piece of advice today: we can ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen our wills so that we can live according to the Spirit. In Christ’s peace. 

Birthday wishes from earth

It was your birthday yesterday.

You have been travelling with me these last weeks,

Alive in my thoughts, my emotions

Especially in Lourdes

Where we were supposed to visit together

Sadness and gratitude shrouded me in a fine mist

Tears for all you have been in my life

Much beloved and deeply missed

 Never forgotten ever.

Led by light

Grace upon grace is how I would describe my last two weeks during a Marian pilgrimage spanning France, Spain and Portugal. When one is determined to seek the Lord’s face, He will be found. What’s more His protective hand is always upon those He loves, whether we realize it or not. 

I somehow knew that all the difficulties we encountered, personally and collectively whether before or during the trip, were an indication of great blessings to come. 

Despite the severe allergy reaction that P suffered so much that he thought he would have to forgo the trip_

 

Despite the flight cancellation that left us trawling a very busy Frankfurt airport for over 12 hours due to cancelled flights because of bad weather_ 

Despite the missed day in Rue de Bac, one of my favourite streets in Paris due to its concentration of my favourite saints_ 

Despite the gruelling road trips that have left me and others exhausted and in some level of physical discomfort_

P made the trip thanks to the collective prayer of fellow pilgrims and friends. I am extremely grateful for all who prayed - thank you all again!

We were blessed with great weather. In this statement I would include the rainy day in Lourdes that cooled down the subsequent days considerably and made them pleasantly cool. The day the weather turned unbearably hot was the day we returned home to Singapore on 12 June. 

A forgotten phone in Lourdes, a forgotten bag in a toilet, a forgotten wallet in a pit stop - all were retrieved intact, and returned to their respective owners. 

Travel on the roads was smooth. Our lovely bus captain Anderson ensured we got safely from place to place, and he even drove a couple of hours from Porto to bid us goodbye in Fatima on his off day. Despite the inability to communicate with him, we felt his love and hopefully he felt ours. 

Ivan, our passionate and unflappable tour leader ensured we celebrated mass in special locations. I believe our group experienced things that many other groups of pilgrims would not have, such as the privilege of bearing the cross and canopy during the Eucharistic candlelight procession in Fatima. Plus, his wealth of stories, of faith-filled miracles, inspired greatly, and made me think a little deeper about my faith. 

We celebrated feast days such as the Sacred Heart of Jesus (fittingly at Santa Rem where a Eucharistic miracle resides), that reminded us of how Mother Mary always leads us to Jesus, her Son. 

We celebrated the lives of many saints - Bernadette, Jean Vianney, Maximilian Kolbe, James, John Paul II,  Francisco, Jacinta and soon-to-be Lucia - who show us all the way to Jesus with their humility and holiness. 

Saints, present and future

One couple celebrated 37 years of marriage during our trip, while another will celebrate 50 next month. Both couples are witnesses of God-centred marriages in their mutual love of each other and I felt blessed to celebrate their milestones with them.

We each took a break from our daily lives, laden with problems and personal sorrows, to seek the One who is with us in the peaks as well as the darkest valleys of our lives. This pilgrimage gives each of us special graces to strengthen our faith, aiding us in running our own respective races before we reach eternal life.

 

Father Francis reminded us to guard our graces when we return home for it is easy to forget all we have received in these two weeks, and fall back into negative patterns of behaviour, to stop loving as Christians should.

Personally, it has been a time of renewed surrender and transformation, of deeper conversion, a time of metanoia. I have also enjoyed and been inspired by fellow pilgrims, new acquaintances and old, my brothers and sisters in the blood of Christ. 

Last but by no means least, I give thanks for Father Francis, who was available to be our Spiritual Director on this trip. He brought with him the ICPE Mission charisms of worship and evangelization that made the love of Christ a very real and living thing to each person present. 

My biggest takeaway this pilgrimage is that we all bear

crosses that may be heavy, but nothing we cannot handle if we surrender it all to Him. Moreover, we must not forget that our crosses are often beacons of light that lead others, especially those who are lost, back to Christ. 

 I was reminded to serve with more willingness and cheerfulness so that many will come to know and love Him as much as I do, if not more; and to walk the way of the Cross in His light alone, in fidelity, daily.

Finding faith

Many emotions flooded through me when we visited Lourdes again after nine years. It was our honeymoon then and the one thing that hasn’t changed in that time is our deep love for our Lady and her Son. Yet, we have come so far, as individuals, and as a couple. Immensely grateful and still amazed at the multiple blessings we have experienced. By grace, our faith has grown because of our marriage, and in spite of it. 😜  

Lourdes felt familiar and dear to us, much like an old friend. I felt a sense of homecoming and I was heartened to note the number of young pilgrims to the shrine. Their brightly coloured hats brought a vibrancy to the place which was uplifting. 

P and I are on a Marian pilgrimage that covers France, Spain and Portugal. From its inception, this trip has been fraught with many obstacles and challenges, too many to enumerate. But, by His grace, we are here, and we seek His strength through our surrender, inspired very much so by Mother Mary herself, the immaculate Conception.  

Thus far, the word that keeps coming up repeatedly is humility and our great need of it, if we are to make His will ours.

The humility of Saint Bernadette who does not forget anyone, and that of Saint Jean Vianney who won over his parishioners and radically transformed not just them, but scores of people who travelled from afar, just to make their confession with him. 

We have now finished our France leg and have crossed over to Spain where we will visit the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona after our eight-hour bus ride. I look forward to the surfeit of beauty that owes its form to the imagination of Antoni Gaudi. 

I thank God for His journey mercies, for thanks to intermittent rain, it has been cool with no sign of the heat wave that visited Europe a week ago. His love never ceases to amaze.

Dementia lesson

M has dementia. When I first came face to face with it I was quite upset. The last time I saw M, compos mentis, was in 2021, and she was her bubbly and exuberant self. She greeted me with an enthusiastic hug, as was her wont. M is a great hugger - her hugs made you feel extremely cherished and loved.

About a month back I was delighted to bump into her for it has been a while. She looked her usual self, whippet thin and active, pottering around in the garden. I called out a delighted greeting. She smiled and said hello, no recognition on her face at all, just a friendly demeanour reserved for strangers. When I asked for directions to a place not five metres away, she was clueless. I was in shock and greatly dismayed as I came to the flash conclusion of her cognitive impairment. I immediately mourned the four years I had not made any effort to visit her.

Her dementia had surfaced two years back, but it is fairly progressive for she has lost over 20 years of memory in that short span of time. I am no longer familiar to her. There are bursts of recognition, but they are fleeting and few.

M entered my life when I was on my spiritual quest post-conversion in 2004. At weekly meetings, she would often guide me, and those present, with her input or responses that brought years’ of spiritual wisdom. She did much in repairing my vision of what a nun was supposed to be like for she was full of joy and gentle, with goodness secreting out of every pore. I loved her wit, her quicksilver mind and her passion for justice, especially for those who were marginalized. She introduced me to saints like Dorothy Day and Satoko Kitahara, who inspired me to do more for the socially disadvantaged.

One retreat she ran for the Woman to Woman Ministry that was pivotal for me was the one where I learned what my personal name was; the name bestowed on me by my heavenly Father. This helped me define my spirituality as it strengthened my identity founded in Him.

Because of who she was, a woman who greatly loved Jesus, and desired that others around would experience His love in the way she did, I, too, aspired to be like her and do likewise.

M was truly instrumental in helping me shape my spirituality during my fast track formative years, and I am ever grateful for everything she did. One regret I have is I am not sure if I ever thanked her properly for the difference she has made in my life, and how much she is loved by me.

M was a woman of many gifts. Besides her gift of spiritual direction or accompaniment, she appreciated art and poetry, and was artistically creative herself. She designed the logo for ICPE Mission’s Woman to Woman Ministry, a beautiful tribute to the love expressed between Mary and a pregnant Elizabeth. 

It is discombobulating to acknowledge that she is physically intact currently, but mentally, she is lost to me in forgotten memories. I mourn her presence, her vitality and spark. I miss those delighted and delightful hugs. I feel as if a part of my life is lost, the me that she once knew and remembered. I feel the weight of my years in the loss of beloved companions, of which she is the latest one. 

 As E would ask, what is Jesus saying in all this? I would say I need to set aside a little time to not just pray for, but to connect with each of my friends on a more regular basis, and especially for those giants on whose shoulders I am standing on. The busyness is no longer an excuse. Neither is being lousy at keeping in touch. I will start by visiting Sister M a little more regularly. Hopefully, my friends will also get to hear from me a little more often. 

A ten for divine mercy

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday, a feast very close to my heart for P and I met exactly on Divine Mercy Sunday 10 years ago. Today P and I also celebrate 112 months of marriage it being the 12th of the month. The coincidence  evokes a mix of amusement and wonder for I know there are no coincidences in life, only God-incidences. 

I look at the symmetry in the numbers as a wink from the Lord, reminding me that it was divine mercy that P and I met and got married, and even now, both P and I must rely on divine mercy to keep our marriage going strong, besides always seeking the good of the other.   

After 10 years, it is easy to get complacent and cruise on auto pilot. I admit I do take certain things for granted, and I may not try as hard as I did before. I am not as attentive as I was and I am sure I overlook signs of unspoken needs which I would have  previously caught and done my best to fulfil. 

This is true of any relationship in life, really. As I get comfortable within the confines of a familial relationship, I am less patient and compassionate, less tolerant of the other’s perceived weaknesses. So it bears remembering how much I value each relationship and to constantly value it in concrete ways. 

If I love my mother, I must show it by swallowing my irritation when she forgets something that results in my stressing out as I rush to complete the task in limited time. Less self-righteous grousing even if fully justified.

Likewise, in my forever marriage, what I truly desire is ending the day with more laughs and smiles than petty arguments and being at odds over the small stuff. I want to look back and remember all the many wonderful things we did together, and this is not only about the highlights, the vacations taken, but also the lived experiences of daily life that are lit with affection and true companionship.  

Looking back on these 10 years of life made new by the gift of love, I am still amazed at how it happened and what has happened in 10 years. We have packed a whole lot of loving, living and growing. We have grown close to each other and we have grown much as individuals, buttressed by the roots of spousal support and sacrifice. More importantly, we each have also grown in our respective relationships with the Almighty.

I am grateful for the 10 years, and I look forward to more decades of being together. In order to realize my desire of making them phenomenal years, I truly need all the wisdom and compassion of divine mercy to make it happen. Jesus, I trust in you. 

Thankful for Easter

It is finally Easter and while I am so grateful for how the Lord has been merciful and giving in so many different ways, I feel unworthy and not quite able to embrace the generosity of this gift of resurrected and eternal life. 

Certainly I know I will never be fully deserving of how much I am loved by Him through all the people in my life, but the lesson I learnt most this Lent was to get over myself, my sinful tendencies, my inadequacies and the need to be perfect and have everything turn out perfectly (in my world) - so not happening, and, it WILL never happen. 

Life is messy and ever-changing; there are consistently grains of sand in the shoe of my daily life that irritate my consciousness and zap all the energy and good humour out of me. Here is where I am called to stretch - my imagination, my spirituality, my character, my outlook, my opinions, my personality…the list is endless.

I have become a sleep-deprived, strung out, cortisol overloaded being with persistent muscular pains. I am a walking disaster. Giving up, however, is not an option. So Lent coincided with me trying to overcome my struggles and setbacks, and the emotional and physical rock bottom I hit in the first part of this year. I actually felt depressed, something I have not felt in years. 

Prayer, receiving the Eucharist as much as I can, and regular exercise have helped nourish my well being and helped me claw my way out of this abyss of hopelessness. As I shared earlier, it’s also the ability not to take myself and all the situations that surround me so seriously and to put things into perspective (not merely relying on my own shortsighted and blinkered vision). 

I can literally hear the Holy Spirit saying to me: 

Get over yourself and your bruised ego. Stop being such a strawberry drama queen. It’s not all about you. 

And it’s really not the end of the world even if you feel like it is. Life can and does go on, quite unimaginably and miraculously well, too. 

Tempting as it may be, do not pick up crosses that don’t belong to you. Yes, serve, but with boundariesboundariesboundaries.

Curate your emotions. Temper them with prayerful wisdom. 

You’re forgiven all the time, so forgive others all the time. 

There are so many blessings in your life, focus on them. 

Whatever you cannot control, let it go, and simply follow me and my ways. I will handle it. 

When you snap at people, apologize, and move on by snapping back into shape. Keep on trying to be the best you. 

Ponder first, then react intentionally, don’t give in to knee-jerk impulses you live to regret. 

Do what you can to remove the grains of sand and be gracious as you go about it even though you are gritting your teeth out of pain.

There is a battlefield within my psyche where good and bad are always at odds, bad grappling to get the upper hand. Not by my strength but His and His alone can I ever succeed, every second, every minute and every hour of the day, day after day.

So this Easter season, I would like to continue to be open, be present, be faithful and to allow the joy of the Risen Lord to permeate my imperfect self and life. And maybe, just maybe, those whom I love, will be infected with the same joy. Happy Easter!

Holy Saturday

Ten years and a day

Divine Mercy Sunday

Was when we last hugged

Spoke briefly after mass

And texted in the evening 

Then you left so suddenly

The silence has been tough

I trusted your judgement 

You listened patiently

With gentle acceptance

Made me feel better  

Oh how I miss you

This Holy Saturday 

The darkness seems just bleaker

Perfect first date

Mother said they must meet

And so it was arranged

A blind date

Both unaware of what portended

It was a meeting of minds 

That blossomed quickly into love

Guided by the Holy Spirit

And of course dear Mother

We bonded and soon knew 

We were meant to be together

Morning mass and breakfast

Was how we’d start our days

The Lord first and always

Thus His plans for us unfolded

Can’t believe it’s been ten years 

Still can’t believe how it all began

Awed still by everything we have

Ever grateful for that first date

That came so late so perfectly

Umbilicus

You are my lifeline, my nexus of growth. 

The healthiest bond between mother and child

Is what I have with you, my Lord and my God.

I am grateful for your gifts that nourish me

Gifts that jumpstart my depleted, low batt spirit

Worn down by stress, frustration and exhaustion  

This surge of vitality makes me whole again:

The sweet child hand in mine nurtures my maternal bent

My husband’s tender solicitude is an affirming hug

The freshly bloomed rose fills my senses with delight

While melodies tripping over the piano keys fill my being with song

Now I can carry on full steaming ahead.

This valuable space afforded me of listening to my body (thank you E)

Reminds me of how important it is to connect

Me to myself and You, before I even attempt with others.

Remembering better days

Quietly elegant

A sweet woman hiding behind 

a reserve seldom breached

Who appreciated beauty

I enjoyed our time together 

When you were still active 

Zipping around in your tiny car

Then your mind started to fail you

So glad I visited you

Spent time with you 

when you were ailing

Until a stroke took away your consciousness

During those stringent COVID days

And now you are gone_

This Sunday past.

Rest in peace, dear L

Remembered fondly

And missed. 

Lenten renewal

It's a very rare day today for I have no clients and I actually have some time to slow down before I pick my grandson up. I have space to breathe rather than be on the go from the time I wake up till the time I lay my head on my pillow.

I realize that what I had in January was an RSV which truly knocked me out for six. I am still battling fatigue, but it is not that extreme fatigue I felt, and I am heartened for I am finally able to exercise without incurring too much pain due to the sprained ankle. It has been a frustrating period of wanting to keep up my fitness level and yet, literally been hamstrung by the tight muscles and pain in my body. Today I feel good, post-pickleball (the second time I have played since I sprained my ankle). There is finally light at the end of the tunnel of my ankle recovery. 

What have I learned during this period of struggle which also coincides with Lent? There will always be some level of pain and struggle involved in daily life, but the challenge is to not let it affect how I behave. This requires me to be in touch with my darkness and not let it overwhelm me: the anger, fear and depression, the ennui that seeps into my spirit and constantly threatens to transform me into a selfish virago. 

I am grateful for this season of Lent for it has reminded me to constantly turn to God in all things, to offer Him my pain and my failures, my stupidity when I persist in insalubrious acts, and to start again; to exercise wisdom and temperance as well as to be patient, forgiving, amiable and generous. 

Renew my heart. Restart when I fail. Come back to a place of love where I am at one with Him. This has been my Lenten sacrifice: to attempt to go beyond myself; to strip myself of my selfish tendencies and to put others first, namely Jesus. I am called to stretch the boundaries of my blind complacency and to seek excellence in everything I do even though I am tired and limping. It doesn't matter that my first fruits are not perfect, what matters is my heart, my attitude, do I truly desire to give my best to the Lord? I don't often succeed but I cannot stop trying.

While I often feel I am inadequate and simply too sinful to be of any good, renewal calls for me to be in a state of movement, moving always towards Him. And so, I give thanks for today, and for all the days to come that are too full for my liking and filled with tasks I am not overly fond of. He is there with me and with Him, everything will be alright.        

Light perspective

January has been a vortex of activity that has threatened to cripple me. Besides grappling with deep fatigue due to helping out more with the grandkids, I have had to deal with a sprained ankle and being on the cusp of illness a couple of times. It has made for frustrating times as I am trying to ramp up my own fitness. I have been short-tempered due to pain and insufficient rest, and yet, my happiness quotient has been on a high. 

Going back to attending weekday mass frequently has help centre me, and given me the fortitude I needed to deal with all the change in this new year. I know that I will eventually be able to deal with my new schedule with aplomb, and I look forward to my body making the adjustments. 

The joy I’ve experienced these past weeks have come from spending more time with P who is now on a three-day work week, more face time with my grandkids, topped off very nicely with two weddings and a baptism. 

Both weddings were young couples P and I journeyed with during their RCIA journeys, so it was just lovely to be part of the festivities. Not only was the earthly joy palpable, but the heavenly. The joining of two in matrimony is a union that most resembles the union of Christ and the Church that happens at every Eucharistic celebration and therefore best represents the union each of us is called to with Christ Himself. It brought home to me the beauty of my own wedding day, and I am ever grateful of how that day marked the beginning of a vocation that has given me so much fulfilment as well as how it drew me into a deeper and more profound relationship with Jesus, my eternal Bridegroom. 

The baptism I attended of baby A was in the very church I was baptized just 12 days after I was born. Again, this serendipity made me reflect on my own faith journey. The sacrament of baptism marked me as one of God’s chosen, but it took me years before I wore that identity with passion, and chose to live out this gift intentionally seeking out holiness; to be bread broken for others, as I myself rely completely on the Eucharist. May baby A never take her baptismal covenant lightly and grow to love Christ with an effervescent love.

 

Amid the joy has been loss - deaths that have touched people I know, the birthday of a much-loved cousin who is no longer here, and the news of the death of J, who was in our first RCIA outing as sponsors. 

My major takeaway this month is to not let fear paralyze me and stop me from acting, from doing what is right. And, most of all, to strive to see the light, even in what appears to be darkness.  

Psalm 36:9 For with you is the fountain of life. In your light we see light.

Choosing faith

So we’re coming into Christmas and the end of the year and I finally have a little time to slow down today, which is needed.

It’s been a full-on year filled with teaching Pilates, plus going for classes myself. Keeping fit in this season of life is just so essential to maintaining energy. I haven’t always succeeded, but I’d like to think that all my personal struggles have made me a better teacher. It’s a win I’ll take.

Spouse, grandkids, mother, siblings, children, friends, community – so many intersecting and also disparate circles to tend to - I can honestly say I couldn’t have accomplished a single thing if I hadn’t remained true to wasting time with Jesus every day, be it in prayer and through weekday mass.  

As my SD pointed out recently, we touch Jesus either through the Eucharist, or our neighbour. The path to holiness is really how we touch Christ through others, which we are wont to do when we are ourselves are transformed by His Eucharistic touch on our tongues, and intentionally in our hearts.

Every day, I have to choose whether I want to touch Him, to let Him lead me in doing His will, be it in the vertical or horizontal axis of my faith.  

At last Sunday’s mass, Father Rusdi exhorted us to choose faith, not fear. And I immediately thought how right he was. My knee-jerk reaction in life is to distrust, to be suspicious, to envy, to let FOMO rule my actions, especially when things don’t go the way I think they should. The irrational What if there isn’t enough for me? Gives rise to ungracious and uncharitable thoughts. It is a constant struggle processing this fear of scarcity I learnt as a child and to allow the truth of God’s abundance bring me to gratitude and generosity.

If I have learned anything in this year, it is this: God is faithful, deeply caring, and generous in every aspect of my existence. He gives and never stops giving. He even gives me things I did not seek but somehow needed. That is truly the goodness of God that I can testify to in these last months.

I have received so many consolations, grace upon grace, that I am immeasurably thankful for and I feel very loved.

The best way to thank Him is to keep on believing, keep on going when the going seems tough, and to keep on shining His light in this world of darkness. It doesn’t mean there will not be loss, chaos, sorrow, disappointment and disruption, but to persevere in faith; be open and humble and let God lead every step of the way.

As I know that faith itself is a gift, this is the gift I seek, not just this Christmas, but for 2026 and beyond.