His will alone

From the moment I experienced conversion in 2003, I have never stopped trying to discern the will of God. For I desired to do His will, then, and now. He has my fiat, my carte blanche, Your will, Lord, no longer mine.

Initially it was a struggle - to let go of a way of life in big and small ways incongruent with what the Church teaches. It is always easier to live out world values than explain a new way of life that seems ludicrous, laughable, one that invited scorn, and, surprisingly, invoked disapproval and anger as well. It was a process of purification for me: painful and protracted, but not without beauty and joy, peace and love.     

It is 23 years and a day since my father passed away.  Although I didn’t know it at the time, it marked my return to God in a big way. In his death, a truth crystallized within me: just how much our heavenly Father loves each one of us and is with us, protecting us even when we are lost, calling us gently to come back to Him, to the very end. He is truly the Good Shepherd who unceasingly seeks out the 100^th lost sheep and is not satisfied until He brings that errant sheep home with Him.  

So what have I learned after two decades of practising Christian discernment? It requires stamina, fuelled mostly by divine grace, by His strength alone.

I was recently reminded that I have three enemies: the world, the flesh and the devil, thanks to Father Carlos Martins at a talk of his I attended. He further stressed the importance of not sinning to render the devil ineffective, and the transformative power of forgiveness. All things I know, but worthwhile to ponder further.   

How does one NOT sin? Know your enemies well, and keep them closer, as the saying goes.

THE WORLD Knowledge is power when we arm ourselves with intimate knowledge of the Bible and Church teachings so that we can live successfully in the world, yet not be of the world. Coupled with prayer, and a well-formed and well-informed conscience, we are better able to sift out the truth from the dross, and make a decision to freely embrace the oft times hard truth while eschewing pretty, shiny dross.

The pursuit of knowledge, and of goodness, is unending. It requires constancy. Just as God’s love is unchanging, I, too, must strive to love Him in equal measure, with the same passion and zeal, day in, day out. It takes discipline, and a will unfettered by sin.  

THE FLESH Thanks to our original parents we are left not just with original sin but concupiscence, that dratted hankering after worldly pleasures, the inclination to wrongdoing. Self-knowledge, and the quest to “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48) kind of perfection is key in dealing with those not-so-desirable quirks, faults, weaknesses, and venial sin. It doesn’t have to be ‘big’ sin which I can avoid quite easily nowadays, but it is the more subtle sins, taking the form of pernicious habits and unsavoury dispositions such as impatience, harshness, self-righteous anger and a critical tongue.

Through the years I have tried assiduously to attain virtues in combating my own ‘flesh’. I avail myself of the sacraments frequently. I avoid near occasions of sin judiciously. I pray many times through the day to attune myself to the Divine and maintain some level of self-awareness and minimize blind spots. I try to instil wisdom and love into every thought, word, and deed. As my consciousness examen reveals, I always fall short, but I never stop trying, nor should I.

THE DEVIL Evil is real, and is a real problem. Not forgetting that the devil’s trade is in attractive half-truths and temptation, constant vigilance is incredibly important. Humility is my guide to honesty and integrity. This, too, assists me in better practising love in all its many guises such as mercy, generosity, tolerance, openness, patience, compassion, empathy and the ability to forgive readily and often. Where there is love, there is God, and that is where I choose to reside, in obedience, so there’s no room for evil to sprout for long.

I also thank God for always calling me back to temperance and self-control which aid me in dealing with temptation. As long as I don’t act on temptation, I am good. The devil will try to distract and create disturbances, but God, and His love, will always prevail. So I know I have nothing to fear if I rest in the Father’s perfect love (see 1 John 4:18).

What God loves most and the devil hates most is my repentant heart, a humble and contrite heart as King David writes about in the psalms. The daily choice to turn away from sin, to repent, to receive His mercy in Reconciliation regularly, to turn my heart to the Lord continually is necessary to render the power of sin useless. And I try to be better each day. I can’t really stop sinning but I can minimize, as best I can, its effects on my life. 

In his article on discernment*, Peter Kreeft writes

All God's signs should line up, by a kind of trigonometry. There are at least seven such signs: (1) Scripture, (2) church teaching, (3) human reason (which God created), (4) the appropriate situation, or circumstances (which he controls by his providence), (5) conscience, our innate sense of right and wrong, (6) our individual personal bent or desire or instincts, and (7) prayer. Test your choice by holding it up before God's face. If one of these seven voices says no, don't do it. If none say no, do it.

I have found the above to be a good guide. This confluence of the rational, the affective, and the spiritual can elicit inner peace, and joy, even amidst suffering, loss and uncertainty.

I will, of course, never be absolutely certain in some cases at the point of decision, but I also know that God can make straight my crooked lines. In surrendering to Him, as much as I can, I can allay niggly fears, and reach a place of relative tranquility, and that’s good enough for me to forge ahead and let God do the rest.  

Life continues to have its uplifting thrills and challenging spills. There will never be a true place of lived equilibrium (at least not for long), a sweet idyllic spot, but in the chaos and mess, I can walk joyfully if I seek to see His face and hear His voice.

This is my daily prayer for I still seek to live purely for Him and Him alone, and in so doing, for those whom He loves as well.

*Discernment by Peter Kreeft