Library books and rabbit holes

It all began with a misplaced library book a couple of weeks back that had me on a search that led to sleepless nights. Sleep has become such a precious commodity in recent years for it is with great difficulty that I am able to get a decent amount of sleep. It almost seems to me that I have to perform an ever-changing algorithm of winding down steps before I can even hope to achieve restful sleep. 

Blame it on menopause and the diminishing level of hormones that make for brain fog, exhaustion due to lack of sleep, and a strung-out personality super susceptible to "stress". Things that didn't faze me in the past, have become giants that loom dangerously close in my emotional landscape, causing me to panic. 

There I went, down the rabbit hole, lightheaded from lack of sleep, yet needing to be on top of things, but not quite achieving it; dropping balls left, right and centre, while having to face bizarre turns of events that have left me baffled. 

This is real life. Suck it up. Nothing catastrophic has happened, by God's grace, so I am ever grateful for this. Although the constant tiredness and the niggling pain from an injury that refuses to go away, no matter what I do have worn me down, I am happy that I am alive and able to do all the things I want to do or need to get done. 

I am happy that my faith has helped me navigate these waters that threaten to overwhelm my psyche. I know that the Lord is my help and my shield, and that He reigns, sovereign over my life. When I have no control over any situation, I turn to Him and let Him take control. Surrender is my middle name. I just do my part by praying through it all and reverencing Him when I can through daily mass. 

I try to always do the right thing, as my conscience dictates, even when my emotions pull me in the opposite direction. And I show up for all my commitments, even thought I'd rather be home, curled up in a ball, licking my wounds. 

My greatest takeaway from this particular rabbit hole is to show up unfailingly, do what's right for all concerned even if it inconveniences me and makes me unpopular. God will do the rest - and He has. He has smoothed my path in lots of different ways. He has been with me every step of the way, nudging me along with encouragement and wise words. I feel very blessed. I am still learning not to give in to knee-jerk anger, snap judgements, and to grow in empathy. This one is a biggie. 

Most of all, I have allowed Him to show me how much I am loved, through the people He has placed in my life, and this love is all I need to help me carry on. Thanks to all who helped me climb out of this particular rabbit hole.   

Peace thoughts

Someone made a comment last week that had me reflecting on peace. Beyond a felt sense of calm and stillness, or an experience of inner serenity, peace is, for me, emotional stability and the ability to deal with stress in an intentional manner that predictably promotes harmony and brings life, without sacrificing my own integrity and dignity. 

Inner peace comes with a healthy amount of self-awareness, self acceptance, and self-respect. I know who I am, what my giftings and limitations are, and I accept and love myself for who I am, and where I am at (in this particular season of life). This, then, enables me to walk in this world governed by clear principles founded on my Christian faith. This helps me be at peace with my daily choices and decisions, by doing what Christ had done, and would continue to do.

Sure, apple carts are upset occasionally, storms do stir up something fierce, but nothing that can destroy my peace for long. Instead of reacting in despair, I can take it in prayer, and consequently respond in a manner that is measured and deliberately positive. I am not out to win any popularity contests, so if someone doesn’t like me or my actions, it’s their problem. I will not stop doing what I know to be the right thing to do. I will put ego and self-interest aside, and diligently pursue actions that opt for the greater good. 

I found this weekend’s readings apt. Peace is something that Jesus came to give us, a peace the world cannot give. In the first reading from Zechariah 9:9-10, the prophet tells us that our king is victorious, but humble, for He comes riding on a colt, the foal of a donkey. Despite this rather incongruous picture of power, He will proclaim peace for the nations, and His message will reach the ends of the earth. This Scripture tells me to proclaim the Lord’s peace as humbly as I can, and to not be afraid to promote it unceasingly.

We get a clearer picture of how to attain this peace ourselves in Saint Paul's letter to the Romans (chapter 8, verses 9, 11-13): focus on the spiritual, that is, the awareness that each of us has the Spirit of Christ living is us. If we celebrate this knowledge, then we can also celebrate that we have life through Christ, not just eternal life, but the ability to live this life with radical self-giving; a pouring out of our lives for the Lord in love and service.

Finally we are given the gospel from Matthew, chapter 11, verses 25-30. Revelations (and wisdom) come to little children, not the learned or the clever. If I centre myself on Jesus, and I rely on Him as a child does, with child-like trust, then I can know Him, and my Father, and I will also get to know their will for me. Should I choose to exercise their will for me, then, nothing can faze me in life, for He will give me the necessary gumption to see things through. 

His promise to each one of us who labour and are overburdened is rest in our souls, especially if we take upon ourselves His yoke. Jesus promises an easy yoke and a light burden which does not literally translate into a life of ease or easier options, but rather His yoke will bring peace of mind, and the ability to see difficult times through with a lighter spirit. If I am led by the Holy Spirit, who is gentle and humble of heart, then I know I will always act in the best possible way that will bless others, and eventually bless myself. Eternal life here I come. 

Thank you Father Karol for this final piece of advice today: we can ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen our wills so that we can live according to the Spirit. In Christ’s peace.