His will alone

From the moment I experienced conversion in 2003, I have never stopped trying to discern the will of God. For I desired to do His will, then, and now. He has my fiat, my carte blanche, Your will, Lord, no longer mine.

Initially it was a struggle - to let go of a way of life in big and small ways incongruent with what the Church teaches. It is always easier to live out world values than explain a new way of life that seems ludicrous, laughable, one that invited scorn, and, surprisingly, invoked disapproval and anger as well. It was a process of purification for me: painful and protracted, but not without beauty and joy, peace and love.     

It is 23 years and a day since my father passed away.  Although I didn’t know it at the time, it marked my return to God in a big way. In his death, a truth crystallized within me: just how much our heavenly Father loves each one of us and is with us, protecting us even when we are lost, calling us gently to come back to Him, to the very end. He is truly the Good Shepherd who unceasingly seeks out the 100^th lost sheep and is not satisfied until He brings that errant sheep home with Him.  

So what have I learned after two decades of practising Christian discernment? It requires stamina, fuelled mostly by divine grace, by His strength alone.

I was recently reminded that I have three enemies: the world, the flesh and the devil, thanks to Father Carlos Martins at a talk of his I attended. He further stressed the importance of not sinning to render the devil ineffective, and the transformative power of forgiveness. All things I know, but worthwhile to ponder further.   

How does one NOT sin? Know your enemies well, and keep them closer, as the saying goes.

THE WORLD Knowledge is power when we arm ourselves with intimate knowledge of the Bible and Church teachings so that we can live successfully in the world, yet not be of the world. Coupled with prayer, and a well-formed and well-informed conscience, we are better able to sift out the truth from the dross, and make a decision to freely embrace the oft times hard truth while eschewing pretty, shiny dross.

The pursuit of knowledge, and of goodness, is unending. It requires constancy. Just as God’s love is unchanging, I, too, must strive to love Him in equal measure, with the same passion and zeal, day in, day out. It takes discipline, and a will unfettered by sin.  

THE FLESH Thanks to our original parents we are left not just with original sin but concupiscence, that dratted hankering after worldly pleasures, the inclination to wrongdoing. Self-knowledge, and the quest to “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48) kind of perfection is key in dealing with those not-so-desirable quirks, faults, weaknesses, and venial sin. It doesn’t have to be ‘big’ sin which I can avoid quite easily nowadays, but it is the more subtle sins, taking the form of pernicious habits and unsavoury dispositions such as impatience, harshness, self-righteous anger and a critical tongue.

Through the years I have tried assiduously to attain virtues in combating my own ‘flesh’. I avail myself of the sacraments frequently. I avoid near occasions of sin judiciously. I pray many times through the day to attune myself to the Divine and maintain some level of self-awareness and minimize blind spots. I try to instil wisdom and love into every thought, word, and deed. As my consciousness examen reveals, I always fall short, but I never stop trying, nor should I.

THE DEVIL Evil is real, and is a real problem. Not forgetting that the devil’s trade is in lies, attractive half-truths, and confusion, upselling temptation, so constant vigilance is incredibly important. Humility is my guide to honesty and integrity. This, too, assists me in better practising love in all its many guises such as mercy, generosity, tolerance, openness, patience, compassion, empathy and the ability to forgive readily and often. Where there is love, there is God, and that is where I choose to reside, in obedience, so there’s no room for evil to sprout for long.

I also thank God for always calling me back to temperance and self-control which aid me in dealing with temptation. As long as I don’t act on temptation, I am good. The devil will try to distract and create disturbances, but God, and His love, will always prevail. So I know I have nothing to fear if I rest in the Father’s perfect love (see 1 John 4:18).

What God loves most and the devil hates most is my repentant heart, a humble and contrite heart as King David writes about in the psalms. The daily choice to turn away from sin, to repent, to receive His mercy in Reconciliation regularly, to turn my heart to the Lord continually is necessary to render the power of sin anaemic. And I will try to be better each day, God willing, until the day I draw my last breath. I can’t really stop sinning but I can minimize, as best I can, its effects on my life. 

In his article on discernment*, Peter Kreeft writes

All God's signs should line up, by a kind of trigonometry. There are at least seven such signs: (1) Scripture, (2) church teaching, (3) human reason (which God created), (4) the appropriate situation, or circumstances (which he controls by his providence), (5) conscience, our innate sense of right and wrong, (6) our individual personal bent or desire or instincts, and (7) prayer. Test your choice by holding it up before God's face. If one of these seven voices says no, don't do it. If none say no, do it.

I have found the above to be a good guide. This confluence of the rational, the affective and the spiritual can elicit inner peace and joy, even amidst suffering, loss and uncertainty.

I will, of course, never be absolutely certain in some cases at the point of decision, but I also know that God can make straight my crooked lines. In surrendering to Him, as much as I can, I can allay niggly fears, and reach a place of relative tranquility, and that’s good enough for me to forge ahead and let God do the rest.  

Life continues to have its uplifting thrills and challenging spills. There will never be a true place of lived equilibrium (at least not for long), a sweet idyllic spot, but in the chaos and mess, I can walk joyfully if I seek to see His face and hear His voice.

This is my daily prayer for I still seek to live purely for Him and Him alone, and in so doing, for those whom He loves as well.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2

* Discernment by Peter Kreeft

Requiem

You are home
In His arms 
Held so tenderly
No longer lost
Safe and sound 
Soul at rest 
One with Him 

Goodbye Max

And so it was time to say goodbye 

One final time 

I struggled with the omnipotence 

Of the decision 

Yet it was painful to watch the life blood

Seep out of you

Increasingly inexorably 

That ruthless decline of disease

In the end there wasn’t much life left in you when you went to sleep

One final time 

Surrounded by all who loved you

You will always remain in our hearts 

Your sweet gentle soul etched forever within

Indelibly delicate and tender

We are all made better because of you 

Because you taught us to love as you did 

Unashamedly generously unconditionally 

 

Turning the bad into good

Before the year began, I knew that 2026 would be quite a challenging year for me, and I was bracing myself. I haven’t been wrong, it has been challenging, both physically and emotionally gruelling. Despite attempts to be physically fit and strong, it hasn’t quite worked out ever since I twisted my ankle carelessly earlier this year.

My weight has yo-yoed due to my erratic exercise regime, and I am in pain frequently, while sleep has been patchy. I would say I have hit rock bottom several times already this year, experiencing despair. I don’t look good and I don’t feel healthy. Worst, I succumbed to emotional eating these last two weeks so my self-respect is at an all-time low.

The recent weeks have been a record high in terms of stress. First, my mother had a close brush with Covid which she somehow managed to avoid, thank God! But it meant that I had to visit her daily to help with her showers until she could move back to her home. There were sleepless nights out of fear that she might fall very sick if she got it as she is of an age where she is fragile, and it will not take much to tip the balance of health. 

Then, our goldie who had surgery in June was diagnosed with gum cancer about two weeks ago. Managing the situation and trying to decide what’s best for Max has been tough. There are blood stains on the floor, which, while unsightly and alarming, are not indicative of his quality of life, considered reasonable, as advised by our vet. We are taking it a week at a time, but knowing that the end is nigh for we would not want him to suffer in any way. 

P’s eczema flare ups (that started in May) heightened dramatically and I would say we are still trying to get a handle on the situation. Not quite understanding what has been happening, or how best to deal with it has been worrying and frustrating. P’s stoicism is admirable, but my heart bleeds a little every time I look at his blisters. 

Amidst all this, my schedule has not really permitted me to see people whom I really want to visit. I was not able to visit Dad at the columbarium on his birthday, or B, who shares the same birthday. I also have quite a few people, some whom I love dearly, who are dealing with their current cancer treatment and it’s hard not to be affected by their suffering when I pray for them.

I could go on ad infinitum, but I won’t for I am equally grateful that the Lord has been with me all this time. I have also had wonderful moments of great joy. Seeing my grandkids every day and being able to interact with them brings me great satisfaction and fulfilment.   

I know I am greatly loved for I can feel the Father’s protective hand on me when I drive (and there has been a lot of driving this year, so not my most favourite thing). His promptings help me navigate my days, and I am plod through my days, giving thanks for few mishaps, while trying to maintain a cheerful heart.  

My vocation has sharpened and expanded this year. P and I recently said yes to becoming Couple Mentors to assist those discerning marriage. In the meantime, we are full sail into another round of RCIA. It is highly rewarding to be able to serve together in the same ministries.

Family life has also taken on new colours and layers that require me to use more of my gifts. It has been daunting, and tiring, but at the same time, I have rediscovered talents which I had not nurtured properly in the past. There is a point of redemption here, a chance for me to make good a second time around. I call it divine irony as I say to Him quizzically “Really?”. 

Do I love my life now? There are many more moments of self-hate and self-doubt due to stress-related screw-ups on my part, but I know I can do this if I cling to Jesus, and if I allow my surrender to be transformed into acts of faith that can bring life to others. So I would say an increase of God-moments has been concomitant.

Yes, I do love my life, both the good and the bad. The “bad” has helped me grow more child-like in my faith. I am able to trust Him more whole-heartedly; to seek Him in all things, and find Him in all situations. I know that His grace is sufficient for me, so I ask only for the grace to be able to renew and align my heart and mind to His every day, and thus to sally forth. 

As Roman 12:2 reminds: Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect. 

I’ll be taking the good and the bad without losing my focus on executing His will daily.