There are two words that best represent my year that began last July: obedience and providence. When I ignored the promptings of my heart, staying away from "duty", I paid the price for it. I caused anger and deep hurt to someone who has since passed on. God was kind and I was able to salvage the situation before it was too late. Despite the difficult situation and the dread I felt in attempting to make reparations, He led my actions and I was able to bless AM and receive her blessing in return. Never mind that everybody else regards me as intransigent and unruly.
In instances where I obeyed even though I was unwilling initially, the Lord provided in ways I never thought possible, one example being my trip to Malta and Rome last year. I still reap the benefits of that trip in countless, indefinable ways, mostly connected to relationships, both old and new.
Obedience to the Spirit is easy most times, when one is guided by a sound value system. One knows what one ought to do, and often, one makes the right choices quite naturally, even unconsciously. However, making the right choices must come from a place of freedom, and not be duty bound.
This can only happen when I open myself to receive love from the Father, and in experiencing the joy of being loved and treasured for who I am, I can choose to love difficult people and be loving in tough situations, without feeling I am the martyr, or short-changed in any way. Loving in freedom allows me to love with joy. I can act with no expectation of reciprocity. Thus, even when I meet hostility, I am unfazed. My self-worth is unshaken, my ego unbruised (it's a process but I get there eventually).
Sometimes I do forget to trust that my Father knows best and I try to go it alone, relying on my own intellect and ability, that's where things always go wonky. These last 12 months have taught me to surrender more and more for I have seen almost unbearable great loss and unbelievably beautiful new beginnings during this period. In the midst of radical change, emotional upheaval, and the call to up the faith ante, the testing of my response to what has been happening in my life has been fierce.
I have a tendency to give in to despair, and I often wish to walk away when the going gets tough, to take the easier option. I get insecure, fearful even, when the landscape shifts beneath my feet, but like a warrior in battle, wielding the trusty sword of prayer and contemplation, honed by hours of practice in peace time, I have been able to stand my ground, and even sally forward significantly towards where God is leading me.
Given where I am right now, preparing for marriage and all its delights and challenges, obedience is key, obedience that comes from a child-like trust that He who has provided for me all these years will continue to provide for me in these coming days, weeks, months and years. I just need to keep a listening heart.
E asked me so where do you see God leading you in the new year? How can I be this flower that despite being transplanted into a new environment, still experiences the freedom of scattering pollen and seed in different ways and directions, blessing others as I now do? How do I refine and deepen my vocation as a soon-to-be married woman?
I cannot quite answer this question in great detail except I know I have to die to self in many ways. I have already begun to let go of my single life, to mourn the changes that are to come, such as no longer living with my mother who has been my confidant, counsellor and greatest cheerleader in life. These last 13 years with her as housemate have been loads of fun, pure joy. I will miss watching The Big Bang Theory with her and chortling with shared glee.
Father Arro defined spouse as the person whom you love most in life and the one who loves you most in life. I have already begun to love P in this way and although we are still discovering each other's ways, rhythms and quirks, I am committed to spending the rest of my life with this man who makes my whole being light up with joy. The road ahead is by no means a walk in the park, but I know it will yield numerous spectacular finds and many glorious moments. I do look forward to it.
Along with obedience and providence, the other companion words to accompany me in this new year will be perseverance and hope, words that will take flesh as I offer my days up to the Lord and give Him my daily fiat.
In instances where I obeyed even though I was unwilling initially, the Lord provided in ways I never thought possible, one example being my trip to Malta and Rome last year. I still reap the benefits of that trip in countless, indefinable ways, mostly connected to relationships, both old and new.
Obedience to the Spirit is easy most times, when one is guided by a sound value system. One knows what one ought to do, and often, one makes the right choices quite naturally, even unconsciously. However, making the right choices must come from a place of freedom, and not be duty bound.
This can only happen when I open myself to receive love from the Father, and in experiencing the joy of being loved and treasured for who I am, I can choose to love difficult people and be loving in tough situations, without feeling I am the martyr, or short-changed in any way. Loving in freedom allows me to love with joy. I can act with no expectation of reciprocity. Thus, even when I meet hostility, I am unfazed. My self-worth is unshaken, my ego unbruised (it's a process but I get there eventually).
Sometimes I do forget to trust that my Father knows best and I try to go it alone, relying on my own intellect and ability, that's where things always go wonky. These last 12 months have taught me to surrender more and more for I have seen almost unbearable great loss and unbelievably beautiful new beginnings during this period. In the midst of radical change, emotional upheaval, and the call to up the faith ante, the testing of my response to what has been happening in my life has been fierce.
I have a tendency to give in to despair, and I often wish to walk away when the going gets tough, to take the easier option. I get insecure, fearful even, when the landscape shifts beneath my feet, but like a warrior in battle, wielding the trusty sword of prayer and contemplation, honed by hours of practice in peace time, I have been able to stand my ground, and even sally forward significantly towards where God is leading me.
Given where I am right now, preparing for marriage and all its delights and challenges, obedience is key, obedience that comes from a child-like trust that He who has provided for me all these years will continue to provide for me in these coming days, weeks, months and years. I just need to keep a listening heart.
E asked me so where do you see God leading you in the new year? How can I be this flower that despite being transplanted into a new environment, still experiences the freedom of scattering pollen and seed in different ways and directions, blessing others as I now do? How do I refine and deepen my vocation as a soon-to-be married woman?
I cannot quite answer this question in great detail except I know I have to die to self in many ways. I have already begun to let go of my single life, to mourn the changes that are to come, such as no longer living with my mother who has been my confidant, counsellor and greatest cheerleader in life. These last 13 years with her as housemate have been loads of fun, pure joy. I will miss watching The Big Bang Theory with her and chortling with shared glee.
Father Arro defined spouse as the person whom you love most in life and the one who loves you most in life. I have already begun to love P in this way and although we are still discovering each other's ways, rhythms and quirks, I am committed to spending the rest of my life with this man who makes my whole being light up with joy. The road ahead is by no means a walk in the park, but I know it will yield numerous spectacular finds and many glorious moments. I do look forward to it.
Along with obedience and providence, the other companion words to accompany me in this new year will be perseverance and hope, words that will take flesh as I offer my days up to the Lord and give Him my daily fiat.
No comments:
Post a Comment