I have been coasting. Partly due to the incredible busyness of the first five months of the year, followed by a quarter of quiescence recuperating from surgery and trying to get back to work to make up for my loss of income for the seven weeks of inactivity.
As I regain some equilibrium in my life, it is time to get back into the spiritual saddle.
I have let slide all my disciplines of prayer and have consequently hit a few roadblocks in doing what I know I am to do.
Okay, it may not be as bad as I make it out to be but I am certainly deviating from the trajectory I am supposed to be on and it comes from a combination of laziness and fear.
The perfectionist in me refuses to embark on a project that involves a lot of effort and could spell failure.
D. went for MBTI training a couple of weeks ago and it piqued my interest again. I know what I am, having completed the psychometric questionnaire years before, but reading more about my psychological type recently just blew me away.
It was pretty spot on and I felt less crazy as I realized what my "negative" tendencies were. I also think that all parents should MBTI themselves and their children in order to have them understand their children a little better and to therefore improve the dynamics of their relationship, as well as assist their children in realizing their potential fully.
M., my client who does MBTI training told me this, that we cannot change our type, especially if we answered the questionnaire honestly and not given aspirational answers.
I believe that is true. We are, each of us, like a figure encased in a marble block, that the Creator gazes upon and see a form that in Michelangelo's words is "shaped and perfect in attitude and action".
And all that is needed is our co-operation with Him so that He can chisel away all the extraneous, unwanted bits to reveal to the world the beauty He sees within.
Despite my unchangeable psychological type, I am uniquely gifted and shaped by my experiences. If I allow the Creator to fashion me as He would, in a spirit of receptivity and accountability, then I would come to life fully, in all my being.
E. gave me a rather pointed postcard that says Only You Can Choose the Right Direction.
As one of the few people who has known me and loved me (for who I am) my entire life, I know she knows I am coasting and it's time to change.
Despite the various milestones and accomplishments through these last seven years, I could be more and do more for I could answer more convincingly my fiat, instead of a tepid "Wait a while".
I love her for pushing me and encouraging me to go further for it's so easy to rest on my laurels having attained a certain level of emotional/spiritual maturity and the head knowledge to give the right answers and maybe even choose the "better portion", but not quite yet the "best".
It's easy to not focus my limited and finite energy and resources on the right things (things that I have discerned are part of my vocation) by doing a million "good deeds" that are the low-hanging fruit and so within my reach
As it says in Matthew 7:21, only the one who does the will of the Father will enter the kingdom of heaven. Forget mighty works.
So I have my work cut out for the remainder of this year: to go beyond my "type" and develop both my greater and my lesser traits to the extent I can say I did my utmost to be true to the best of myself.
I pray today for my Mount Tabor experience - to be transfigured so that I will be given new heart and a fresh, glowing demeanour to be more like Him.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
My magnificat
You, O Lord, are my strength and my shield,
Without you I would lose hope and yield
To darkness, despair, unending death.
Instead you raise me up, give me wealth,
Riches beyond imagination.
Of love, hope, faith, joy and a vision.
To light the world by being woman
A gift to all, inspiring women.
As I have been nourished by Mary,
Anna, Hannah, Martha and Mary.
Women who have gone ahead of me.
Taught me about You and how to be
Filled with passion and transcendent grace,
Jesus to you alone, I give praise.
* Last Friday after A. expounded on Hannah (thanks A. for such an insightful and deep teaching), she encouraged us to write our own canticles, to be inspired by the Spirit, as Hannah and Mother Mary were.
Without you I would lose hope and yield
To darkness, despair, unending death.
Instead you raise me up, give me wealth,
Riches beyond imagination.
Of love, hope, faith, joy and a vision.
To light the world by being woman
A gift to all, inspiring women.
As I have been nourished by Mary,
Anna, Hannah, Martha and Mary.
Women who have gone ahead of me.
Taught me about You and how to be
Filled with passion and transcendent grace,
Jesus to you alone, I give praise.
* Last Friday after A. expounded on Hannah (thanks A. for such an insightful and deep teaching), she encouraged us to write our own canticles, to be inspired by the Spirit, as Hannah and Mother Mary were.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Seven
Seven is the number of years it took me
To celebrate your life without tears.
You were the rain and the wind,
The storm I scurried from at first
Growl of thunder and blinding lightning.
Cowering with fear, a little girl again
While the adult me was seething with suppressed anger,
Frustrated that I couldn't be honest with you,
Love you freely as other daughters loved their fathers.
Through a spectrum of different intensities
That had a delicate snowflake tenderness,
Free of frostbitten hurts and frozen brokenness.
You made me weep for lost opportunities and forlorn regrets.
Why could we not steamroll beyond the snowdrifts of our past?
Seven is the number of years since I've found
Seven is the number of years since I've found
A living faith that mirrors your own conviction,
That was forged in the crucible of great suffering
And where you regained your youthful ideals,
So crystalline pure, exuding a perfumed peace.
Past indignities began to melt as I sat at your feet.
Could going home be more poignantly beautiful?
The young sapling planted has grown deep roots
And sprouted into a sturdy tree with glossy emerald foliage,
Laden with ruby red fruit, peachy fuzzy fragrant,
It pays homage to the spirit of your being,
The God-likeness you left me as inheritance.
My soul is enriched with lashings of joy unsurpassed
Grace upon grace, it multiplies seven-fold.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Stillness for nothingness
I recently deactivated my Facebook account. Over time, I have grown increasingly uncomfortable with the lack of privacy, the "show all, tell all" culture of FB and the constant invitation to be a voyeur, peeking into the lives of people I don't even know well.
I suppose blogs are similar in that way but the difference is that I have control over what I share in my blog whereas on FB, I don't always have that option.
Someone may post a photo of me, a private moment that I do not wish a world of strangers to see. The photo may be in circulation to only a select few, however, all it takes is for one of the recipients of the digital image to post a comment or forward it and the image takes on a new public life of its own.
The second reason why I quit FB is that I had begun to spend too much time on it, playing games and just being completely unproductive and disconnected to the real world as I plug into its virtual attractions.
It's alarming how strangely void my life feels without it, although I know I can definitely put my time to better use (and hopefully not exchange it for another addiction).
Sometimes, it's the seemingly innocuous things that require the most vigilance. When I began to lose sleep whiling away my time on FB, I knew it was time to stop.
While technology has definitely enhanced communication, the improper use of technology has spawned a plethora of new evils in the world such as the exponential increase of child predators and a thriving pornography trade; addictive behaviours that have led to the destruction of marriages, family and social structures; and a general lowering of moral standards as people live more and more in relativistic, virtual, fantasy worlds, divorced from reality.
Among its lesser evils are addictions like mine, or the need to continually upgrade and acquire the latest technology has to offer, regardless of whether the current phone/computer/digital camera is still functional.
Technology is not a bad thing, but an inordinate attachment to any of its offerings, resulting in the neglect of one’s duties or the body’s need for sleep, fellowship (chat rooms or virtual relationships cannot replace face to face encounters) or exercise (our bodies are created for movement even in hot and humid Singapore) is not healthy.
Having had a chance to reflect on my life this past weekend, I can see that I've allowed too many distractions into my life and there is a need to simplify. To re-focus and de-clutter my life.
Esther Fong’s presentation on discernment during the ICPE-led “Know Christ and Make Him Known” Weekend Retreat at the FMM House of Prayer was an excellent reminder to me to make discernment a lifestyle choice and to use what is left of my time on earth well, living every moment of my life meaningfully and mindfully.
As Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living" and I have therefore renewed my commitment to spending at least 30 minutes in solitude to pray and reflect - a requisite for discernment is to “be still” - putting the time that I have freed up from FB to better use.
Mystic St. John of the Cross wrote in The Ascent of Mount Carmel:
To reach satisfaction in all
desire its possession in nothing.
To come to possession in all
desire the possession of nothing.
To arrive at being all
desire to be nothing.
As I enter into this reflective season in my life, I make the words of John of the Cross mine for only in nothingness will I find what I am searching for. Always.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Forty-six
I’ve finally made it to the mid-way mark.
And it’s great to be at home in my skin.
It took me a while to quiet the din,
Of chaos caused by thrashing through the dark.
Should’ve known life would be bitter and tart,
Although of late, it’s been chocolatey sweet.
Spring lilies adorn the earth at his feet,
Bathed in tears for the years we were apart.
Even if winter is icy and hard,
Blossoms can thrive in the garden within,
Heavenly scented, healing kith and kin,
A gift of love distilled into pure nard.
As I receive I give back in fullness
His gaze holds mine in the heart of stillness.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Pure desire
Exactly a week ago I went for my first secondary school reunion and it was an enlightening and affirming experience.
I was not sure initially if I wanted to go for memories of feeling bad about school were as clear as if it were yesterday.
As a teen, I was insecure and most unprepossessing, awkward in my own skin even as I was invisible.
I also felt inferior and would envy the confidence of the "cool" girls even as I detested them for their youthful insouciance.
So why would I want to see people who made me feel bad about myself?
And that was precisely why I decided to go - to challenge myself and to see whether I have grown beyond being Ms. FadeIntoTheWalls.
I had a blast for I managed to meet classmates who had made me laugh and brought back memories of fun, schoolgirl high jinks and endearing naivete.
By Singaporean standards, I had every reason to feel inferior for my recent career choices have been unconventional and do not grant me great financial gains, power or status and, let me tell ya, there were some very successful and accomplished women in the room.
I was instead glad that I could appreciate and celebrate their successes, while I was secure enough in my own worth as a woman who was living a life of integrity and authenticity, brimming with abundance.
It was nice to know that I have become an adult, no longer a slave to her childish distortions and neuroses. A woman with a distinctive identity, spirituality and feminine genius.
This afternoon I shared the above experience during the panel discussion of an ICPE-led event called Man. Woman. Celebrating Our Sexuality* for this story illustrates the difference between the love-hungry teen that I was and the fulfilled woman that I am now.
I am grateful for all that I have become and that I am, as Anna Capello put it, "living in purity for I am able to accept and receive my sexuality from God, the truth of who I am". What a lovely way to look at purity - thank you, Anna.
Purity matters greatly to me for one of my earliest memories of God comes from the pure, innocent love that I felt for God, as a seven-year-old, and how in that moment He was extremely real to me.
When I lost that purity, I mourned and missed it and spent years looking for it. When I regained it, I was determined never to lose it again. It is, incidentally, the beatitude that resonates most strongly with me - to be pure of heart.
Purity is not easy to achieve for we live in a world of temptation and it was clearly established by Fr. David Garcia that we are only free of sexual temptation 10 minutes after we are dead.
Levity aside, I know that the only chance I have to ensure my desire for purity is attained is to stay close to the source. So that when I am tempted, I will have the strength of the Spirit to help me overcome it.
Anna's husband, Mario, proposed that sexual salvation is for one and all and he gave everyone present a few more suggestions like:
* Availing yourself of the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist regularly
* Giving your heart over to the Lord (Proverbs 23:26)
* Re-symbolize the places that lead you away from God's plan
* Making small daily choices that demonstrate self-mastery (as Terence Anthony put it during the discussion if we cannot be faithful in small ways then we will not be able to be faithful in big ones and his way of making a choice is to fast on Wednesdays)
* Taking a stand of being a protector and not a predator
* Cultivating healthy relationships with men and women
* Accountability of your conduct to a few trusted friends
* "Nip it in the bud!"
* When you fail, get back on your feet and run to Christ.
Pope Benedict XVI has this to say about the pure heart in Jesus of Nazareth:
"The pure heart is the loving heart that enters into communion of service and obedience with Jesus Christ. Love is the fire that purifies and unifies intellect, will and emotion, thereby making man one with himself, inasmuch as it makes him one in God's eyes."
So if I remain open to God's love for me, I will always be able to see and hear Him. And doing His will would be clear, although not all that easy when temptation rears its pesky and dangerous head.
So Lord, grant that my desire for purity, to be pure of heart, will always outweigh all other desires.
* Anna and Mario Capello shared the vision of John Paul II's Theology of the Body. In TOB, the late pope gave us a new language of sexuality that enables us to understand our desires and order them such that we can live fulfilled lives of freedom.
I was not sure initially if I wanted to go for memories of feeling bad about school were as clear as if it were yesterday.
As a teen, I was insecure and most unprepossessing, awkward in my own skin even as I was invisible.
I also felt inferior and would envy the confidence of the "cool" girls even as I detested them for their youthful insouciance.
So why would I want to see people who made me feel bad about myself?
And that was precisely why I decided to go - to challenge myself and to see whether I have grown beyond being Ms. FadeIntoTheWalls.
I had a blast for I managed to meet classmates who had made me laugh and brought back memories of fun, schoolgirl high jinks and endearing naivete.
By Singaporean standards, I had every reason to feel inferior for my recent career choices have been unconventional and do not grant me great financial gains, power or status and, let me tell ya, there were some very successful and accomplished women in the room.
I was instead glad that I could appreciate and celebrate their successes, while I was secure enough in my own worth as a woman who was living a life of integrity and authenticity, brimming with abundance.
It was nice to know that I have become an adult, no longer a slave to her childish distortions and neuroses. A woman with a distinctive identity, spirituality and feminine genius.
This afternoon I shared the above experience during the panel discussion of an ICPE-led event called Man. Woman. Celebrating Our Sexuality* for this story illustrates the difference between the love-hungry teen that I was and the fulfilled woman that I am now.
I am grateful for all that I have become and that I am, as Anna Capello put it, "living in purity for I am able to accept and receive my sexuality from God, the truth of who I am". What a lovely way to look at purity - thank you, Anna.
Purity matters greatly to me for one of my earliest memories of God comes from the pure, innocent love that I felt for God, as a seven-year-old, and how in that moment He was extremely real to me.
When I lost that purity, I mourned and missed it and spent years looking for it. When I regained it, I was determined never to lose it again. It is, incidentally, the beatitude that resonates most strongly with me - to be pure of heart.
Purity is not easy to achieve for we live in a world of temptation and it was clearly established by Fr. David Garcia that we are only free of sexual temptation 10 minutes after we are dead.
Levity aside, I know that the only chance I have to ensure my desire for purity is attained is to stay close to the source. So that when I am tempted, I will have the strength of the Spirit to help me overcome it.
Anna's husband, Mario, proposed that sexual salvation is for one and all and he gave everyone present a few more suggestions like:
* Availing yourself of the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist regularly
* Giving your heart over to the Lord (Proverbs 23:26)
* Re-symbolize the places that lead you away from God's plan
* Making small daily choices that demonstrate self-mastery (as Terence Anthony put it during the discussion if we cannot be faithful in small ways then we will not be able to be faithful in big ones and his way of making a choice is to fast on Wednesdays)
* Taking a stand of being a protector and not a predator
* Cultivating healthy relationships with men and women
* Accountability of your conduct to a few trusted friends
* "Nip it in the bud!"
* When you fail, get back on your feet and run to Christ.
Pope Benedict XVI has this to say about the pure heart in Jesus of Nazareth:
"The pure heart is the loving heart that enters into communion of service and obedience with Jesus Christ. Love is the fire that purifies and unifies intellect, will and emotion, thereby making man one with himself, inasmuch as it makes him one in God's eyes."
So if I remain open to God's love for me, I will always be able to see and hear Him. And doing His will would be clear, although not all that easy when temptation rears its pesky and dangerous head.
So Lord, grant that my desire for purity, to be pure of heart, will always outweigh all other desires.
* Anna and Mario Capello shared the vision of John Paul II's Theology of the Body. In TOB, the late pope gave us a new language of sexuality that enables us to understand our desires and order them such that we can live fulfilled lives of freedom.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Modelling Anna
Healing takes time. So I discovered when I was grieving the loss of my father, and when I parted with my last boyfriend.
I remember wishing I could fast forward to six months later and skip the unavoidable, incredible pain and the copious tears.
I also remember that after I had struggled passed that six-month mark, everything was indeed better. Not as far along the grieving process as I might have wished, but bearable. I was alive and the sun was shining.
Then I wished for the next six months to disappear in a flash. And the next six, and the next six.
Here I am again wishing I could fast forward the next five months. It's been over a month since the surgery and while I have progressed a great deal in terms of healing, I am not where I want to be.
It's exasperating to still feel pain and tire so easily. To be limited in living as I used to, unable to move and challenge my body in ways that make me feel alive and good about myself.
J. and E. keep warning me this is the dangerous period where I think I can but I actually can't, and when I realize I can't, it would be too late. I know they are right but it's difficult for me - like asking a child to walk and not run when she spots the ocean for the first time.
My fear is that I will never be the same again, strength and flexibility wise, and I am not liking it, this potential loss, but knowing that I will work through it, as I have in more devastating instances.
Loss is something we experience on a daily basis. Some easier to accept (like the loss of millions of cells each second) than others that require a lengthy process of healing.
Sometimes what is lost is permanent, marking significant change in our lives. But these are the losses that are the most transformational and can be the most enriching. Given time.
The healing process of grieving the loss, asking the why questions and at times crafting answers where there are none is labourious and protracted.
For the challenge lies in living meaningfully with great courage, hope, fortitude and integrity in the aftermath of deep loss, whether we are as yet successful in shaking free the shackles of heartbreak, anger and bitterness.
Even though my current loss is mostly temporary and physical, I still wait on the ultimate Healer to heal, and to lead me through the changeable and tempestuous winds of life.
When I get impatient or disheartened, as I am wont to, I look to Anna, who faithfully fasted and prayed, living in the temple until she finally gets to see the Messiah baby in her twilight years.
Her quiet heroism inspires me. Her determination to praise and glorify God night and day in the confines of her seemingly bleak and interminable years of widowhood displays unlimited trust. True faith.
So I continue to wait. To heal in time. But as I wait, I can still serve and worship.
Just like Anna.
NB: Last Friday, D. shared this beautiful song by John Waller While I'm Waiting that says it all - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XazqArchgR8&feature=related
I remember wishing I could fast forward to six months later and skip the unavoidable, incredible pain and the copious tears.
I also remember that after I had struggled passed that six-month mark, everything was indeed better. Not as far along the grieving process as I might have wished, but bearable. I was alive and the sun was shining.
Then I wished for the next six months to disappear in a flash. And the next six, and the next six.
Here I am again wishing I could fast forward the next five months. It's been over a month since the surgery and while I have progressed a great deal in terms of healing, I am not where I want to be.
It's exasperating to still feel pain and tire so easily. To be limited in living as I used to, unable to move and challenge my body in ways that make me feel alive and good about myself.
J. and E. keep warning me this is the dangerous period where I think I can but I actually can't, and when I realize I can't, it would be too late. I know they are right but it's difficult for me - like asking a child to walk and not run when she spots the ocean for the first time.
My fear is that I will never be the same again, strength and flexibility wise, and I am not liking it, this potential loss, but knowing that I will work through it, as I have in more devastating instances.
Loss is something we experience on a daily basis. Some easier to accept (like the loss of millions of cells each second) than others that require a lengthy process of healing.
Sometimes what is lost is permanent, marking significant change in our lives. But these are the losses that are the most transformational and can be the most enriching. Given time.
The healing process of grieving the loss, asking the why questions and at times crafting answers where there are none is labourious and protracted.
For the challenge lies in living meaningfully with great courage, hope, fortitude and integrity in the aftermath of deep loss, whether we are as yet successful in shaking free the shackles of heartbreak, anger and bitterness.
Even though my current loss is mostly temporary and physical, I still wait on the ultimate Healer to heal, and to lead me through the changeable and tempestuous winds of life.
When I get impatient or disheartened, as I am wont to, I look to Anna, who faithfully fasted and prayed, living in the temple until she finally gets to see the Messiah baby in her twilight years.
Her quiet heroism inspires me. Her determination to praise and glorify God night and day in the confines of her seemingly bleak and interminable years of widowhood displays unlimited trust. True faith.
So I continue to wait. To heal in time. But as I wait, I can still serve and worship.
Just like Anna.
NB: Last Friday, D. shared this beautiful song by John Waller While I'm Waiting that says it all - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XazqArchgR8&feature=related
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sad endings revisited
Ever since I was young, I've hated sad endings, whether in real life or fiction. I would take every misunderstanding, every tragedy, every loss personally. To the point of intense sorrow and tears.
Why was Joan of Arc burned at the stake when she was only being truthful, obedient to God, brave and selfless?
Why did To Kill a Mockingbird's Tom Robinson, a good and kind man, get thrown into jail for a "crime" he did not commit, and later die so undeservedly, shot in the back 17 times?
Why did Sydney Carton love Lucie Manette who instead loved and married Charles Damay (I so hate love triangles, too!) and why did Sydney have to die by going to the guillotine in place of Charles in his act of sacrificial love for Lucie?
Why do bad things happen to good people? Why must disease, conflict, disaster, violence and death exist?
Why can't we go back to paradise, post-Fall, especially since Christ has already redeemed the world over 2,000 years ago?
Even today, as an adult, my sense of justice cries for answers when misfortune strikes the lives of people I love, people I know and those I do not know but share the bond of humanity with.
It's hard to retain hope when the world seems impossibly dark, beyond redemption, and the future unremittingly bleak.
My response has always been to fight to believe in better days to come and to try and right the wrong. Or agonize incessantly over the situation and walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's only in the past decade that I have learned to let go and let God take over.
After all, I am not the Messiah who has already accomplished His mission. And even though I cannot be in paradise today, I know I will get there when I die (with God's grace, of course).
One other notable difference that comes from my renewed faith is that I know that the kingdom of God can be experienced today, and, I can play a part in bringing life to this kingdom. How?
By "renouncing myself" and "taking up my cross". It all made perfect sense to me when Fr. Arro said last Sunday that the act of renouncing was to rid myself of anger, bitterness and hatred, and that of taking up my cross was to love unto death, even when continually and widely rejected and persecuted.
Love translated into acts of compassion, forgiveness, mercy, optimistic hope, radiating joy, tranquility and a deep, steadfast Marian faith.
For what is faith if not a light of love, flickering with hope, in the dark night of suffering?
I can now accept that situations that cause suffering and grief will always be part of life and it is in my loving response that I can make a difference.
In instances where the situation is beyond my influence, I can pray for grace. I can pray knowing full well that while God did not cause the suffering, He can, like an alchemist, transform affected lives.
Miracles and blessings can emerge just as a desert is carpeted in a glory of brightly hued petals after the rain.
Sad endings can become triumphs of the human spirit.
Sad endings can be conduits for prodigious change.
Like death on the cross to resurrection, to ascension and a Pentecostal revolution.
I suppose I could be persuaded to see the good in sad endings.
NB: This entry is dedicated to K, may you find the 'bow in the sky in time to come. Hugs.
Mother & child living in a village outside Phnom Penh, rebuilding life after the horrific genocide that swept the capital of Cambodia in the 70s.
Why was Joan of Arc burned at the stake when she was only being truthful, obedient to God, brave and selfless?
Why did To Kill a Mockingbird's Tom Robinson, a good and kind man, get thrown into jail for a "crime" he did not commit, and later die so undeservedly, shot in the back 17 times?
Why did Sydney Carton love Lucie Manette who instead loved and married Charles Damay (I so hate love triangles, too!) and why did Sydney have to die by going to the guillotine in place of Charles in his act of sacrificial love for Lucie?
Why do bad things happen to good people? Why must disease, conflict, disaster, violence and death exist?
Why can't we go back to paradise, post-Fall, especially since Christ has already redeemed the world over 2,000 years ago?
Even today, as an adult, my sense of justice cries for answers when misfortune strikes the lives of people I love, people I know and those I do not know but share the bond of humanity with.
It's hard to retain hope when the world seems impossibly dark, beyond redemption, and the future unremittingly bleak.
My response has always been to fight to believe in better days to come and to try and right the wrong. Or agonize incessantly over the situation and walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's only in the past decade that I have learned to let go and let God take over.
After all, I am not the Messiah who has already accomplished His mission. And even though I cannot be in paradise today, I know I will get there when I die (with God's grace, of course).
One other notable difference that comes from my renewed faith is that I know that the kingdom of God can be experienced today, and, I can play a part in bringing life to this kingdom. How?
By "renouncing myself" and "taking up my cross". It all made perfect sense to me when Fr. Arro said last Sunday that the act of renouncing was to rid myself of anger, bitterness and hatred, and that of taking up my cross was to love unto death, even when continually and widely rejected and persecuted.
Love translated into acts of compassion, forgiveness, mercy, optimistic hope, radiating joy, tranquility and a deep, steadfast Marian faith.
For what is faith if not a light of love, flickering with hope, in the dark night of suffering?
I can now accept that situations that cause suffering and grief will always be part of life and it is in my loving response that I can make a difference.
In instances where the situation is beyond my influence, I can pray for grace. I can pray knowing full well that while God did not cause the suffering, He can, like an alchemist, transform affected lives.
Miracles and blessings can emerge just as a desert is carpeted in a glory of brightly hued petals after the rain.
Sad endings can become triumphs of the human spirit.
Sad endings can be conduits for prodigious change.
Like death on the cross to resurrection, to ascension and a Pentecostal revolution.
I suppose I could be persuaded to see the good in sad endings.
NB: This entry is dedicated to K, may you find the 'bow in the sky in time to come. Hugs.
Mother & child living in a village outside Phnom Penh, rebuilding life after the horrific genocide that swept the capital of Cambodia in the 70s.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Eat to heal
It's just over a month since my surgery and I am still wending my way as judiciously as I can through the healing process. (BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I am cancer-free, PTL!)
It can be frustrating for I am still unable to do normal stuff, nor should I try for fear of doing injury to my body. Recovery is slow and moving at granny speed is tedious but essential.
Despite all that, I've enjoyed this time of convalescing for Mum has kept me company and I've even managed to teach her how to do a basic stir-fry.
Yes, we have been cooking big time - two meals almost every day. It's a little tiring but eating nourishing, home-cooked food has been vital for the restoration of my health.
It started with my Aunty S., Dad's sister, who came to my home the minute I got home from the hospital and cooked me lunch and dinner for the first week and subsequently popped by from time to time. I am ever-grateful for her love and care when I needed it most.
She has inspired my taste buds and fired my interest in cooking with more thought put into preparing dishes that are not only delicious but will provide the needed nutrients in a way that goes beyond eating fruit for the fibre and vitamins needed by the body.
Poring over recipes, consulting with Aunty S. and my brother J., I am awed at the level of sophistication the Chinese have in approaching something as fundamental as food.
How each ingredient is carefully selected and painstakingly prepared so that the final dish will be a lip-smacking marriage of flavours, textures and nutrients, designed to bring the body back into balance.
I am still a little lost at the many and complex combination of herbs in the brewing of restorative soups and tonics, but the concept of harmony to ensure health - balancing the yin (cooling*/feminine) and yang (heaty*/masculine) - is fascinating.
It's been great fun re-discovering my Cantonese roots and, of course, I now wish I had paid more attention to what my grandmother cooked, taking notes. Never mind, I still have Aunty S.
For the last seven years, I have been seeking balance and harmony through formation, growth and integration.
Although I've sorted out many answers to the meaning of life and my life, in particular, I am still deciphering my vocation, realizing all the while that it will be a journey of constant change and refinement.
This month of resting, cooking, eating and healing has brought into focus the importance of harmony within the body and it has answered partially the question What next? that I have been asking myself.
The body: restoring it to health when needed, maintaining health and preventing illness. I simply need to explore which What next? now.
.jpg)
Even as I continue to cook, eat and heal first.
* To understand what is meant by heaty or cooling foods, go to: http://ezinearticles.com/?Heaty-and-Cooling-Foods&id=461430
It can be frustrating for I am still unable to do normal stuff, nor should I try for fear of doing injury to my body. Recovery is slow and moving at granny speed is tedious but essential.
Despite all that, I've enjoyed this time of convalescing for Mum has kept me company and I've even managed to teach her how to do a basic stir-fry.
Yes, we have been cooking big time - two meals almost every day. It's a little tiring but eating nourishing, home-cooked food has been vital for the restoration of my health.
It started with my Aunty S., Dad's sister, who came to my home the minute I got home from the hospital and cooked me lunch and dinner for the first week and subsequently popped by from time to time. I am ever-grateful for her love and care when I needed it most.
She has inspired my taste buds and fired my interest in cooking with more thought put into preparing dishes that are not only delicious but will provide the needed nutrients in a way that goes beyond eating fruit for the fibre and vitamins needed by the body.
Poring over recipes, consulting with Aunty S. and my brother J., I am awed at the level of sophistication the Chinese have in approaching something as fundamental as food.
How each ingredient is carefully selected and painstakingly prepared so that the final dish will be a lip-smacking marriage of flavours, textures and nutrients, designed to bring the body back into balance.
I am still a little lost at the many and complex combination of herbs in the brewing of restorative soups and tonics, but the concept of harmony to ensure health - balancing the yin (cooling*/feminine) and yang (heaty*/masculine) - is fascinating.
It's been great fun re-discovering my Cantonese roots and, of course, I now wish I had paid more attention to what my grandmother cooked, taking notes. Never mind, I still have Aunty S.
For the last seven years, I have been seeking balance and harmony through formation, growth and integration.
Although I've sorted out many answers to the meaning of life and my life, in particular, I am still deciphering my vocation, realizing all the while that it will be a journey of constant change and refinement.
This month of resting, cooking, eating and healing has brought into focus the importance of harmony within the body and it has answered partially the question What next? that I have been asking myself.
The body: restoring it to health when needed, maintaining health and preventing illness. I simply need to explore which What next? now.
.jpg)
Even as I continue to cook, eat and heal first.
* To understand what is meant by heaty or cooling foods, go to: http://ezinearticles.com/?Heaty-and-Cooling-Foods&id=461430
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Affirmative action
I will be part of a panel discussion in July on how men and women can celebrate sexuality in such a way that we live lives of abundance and fullness.
So I thought I better start thinking of what I would say as I will be giving my point of view as a single woman.
Whether single, married or in-between (as E. put it today), we all want to be happy, we all want to be loved and we want to be cherished and fulfilled by love.
Seeing as both men and women are created for "marriage", to be perfect foils, bringing out the best in each other by being in a unifying and giving relationship, how can singles, single parents, those who are unhappily married and those who separated or divorced, how can we all achieve a level of fulfillment that is purportedly reserved for happily married people?
I discovered in 2003 I was created for marriage and motherhood. So what did this mean for me, who was neither married nor a mother, and seven years on is still neither?
The epiphany was an invitation from Jesus, to allow him to be my spouse, the man who could give me everything I desired for it was He who put my passions, my desires within me, especially this vocation of marriage and motherhood.
In accepting the unusual invitation - if building a living and intimate relationship with someone who does not have a corporeal presence in today's world of fleshly desires is not unusual, I do not know what is - I have gained the ideal husband and lover i.e. if I keep saying yes to the invitation.
Saying yes is not easy. Neither does it get easier.
I have had to trust with an open heart and singular faith, sailing roiling, uncharted waters I would never have ventured if not for Him.
Fidelity, the uncompromising badge of spousal love, is a full-time commitment even when I don't feel like it, even when I am afraid, uncertain and in darkest despair.
Plus life is hardly hunky dory all the time. There is conflict, trouble, violence, betrayal, sickness, death, tragedy, loss, hurt, abuse, and loneliness.
I sometimes question if it's all worthwhile even when I know, deep in my heart, that it is.
So why do I keep saying yes?
My answer hinges on last Sunday's gospel from Luke: the sinful woman with the jar of alabaster, who enters the room where Jesus is and stands behind Him weeping, then proceeds to wipe her tears from off His feet with her hair and to anoint His feet with kisses and costly ointment from her jar.
Like her, I am a sinner with a less than pristine past. Like her, I am the debtor with the bigger debt to be forgiven and therefore I am the one who "loves more" because I am "forgiven" much.
While I do not advocate the practice of self-flagellation, self-awareness through self-examination is necessary for spiritual and emotional growth and for a healthy conscience to keep operating at optimum levels.
In being able to articulate my sins and to believe I can be forgiven my sins, I am given the peace of redemptive absolution and an ever-growing capacity for love - both to receive and to give.
Thus I am able to live out the fullest expression of my sexuality as woman through this amazing spousal relationship I have with Jesus.
I am loved and cherished as a spouse and mother, and I can love as a spouse and mother. In this ongoing exchange of love, I am fulfilled, as only a happily married woman can be.
All I have to do is say yes, and keep on doing so.
So I thought I better start thinking of what I would say as I will be giving my point of view as a single woman.
Whether single, married or in-between (as E. put it today), we all want to be happy, we all want to be loved and we want to be cherished and fulfilled by love.
Seeing as both men and women are created for "marriage", to be perfect foils, bringing out the best in each other by being in a unifying and giving relationship, how can singles, single parents, those who are unhappily married and those who separated or divorced, how can we all achieve a level of fulfillment that is purportedly reserved for happily married people?
I discovered in 2003 I was created for marriage and motherhood. So what did this mean for me, who was neither married nor a mother, and seven years on is still neither?
The epiphany was an invitation from Jesus, to allow him to be my spouse, the man who could give me everything I desired for it was He who put my passions, my desires within me, especially this vocation of marriage and motherhood.
In accepting the unusual invitation - if building a living and intimate relationship with someone who does not have a corporeal presence in today's world of fleshly desires is not unusual, I do not know what is - I have gained the ideal husband and lover i.e. if I keep saying yes to the invitation.
Saying yes is not easy. Neither does it get easier.
I have had to trust with an open heart and singular faith, sailing roiling, uncharted waters I would never have ventured if not for Him.
Fidelity, the uncompromising badge of spousal love, is a full-time commitment even when I don't feel like it, even when I am afraid, uncertain and in darkest despair.
Plus life is hardly hunky dory all the time. There is conflict, trouble, violence, betrayal, sickness, death, tragedy, loss, hurt, abuse, and loneliness.
I sometimes question if it's all worthwhile even when I know, deep in my heart, that it is.
So why do I keep saying yes?
My answer hinges on last Sunday's gospel from Luke: the sinful woman with the jar of alabaster, who enters the room where Jesus is and stands behind Him weeping, then proceeds to wipe her tears from off His feet with her hair and to anoint His feet with kisses and costly ointment from her jar.
Like her, I am a sinner with a less than pristine past. Like her, I am the debtor with the bigger debt to be forgiven and therefore I am the one who "loves more" because I am "forgiven" much.
While I do not advocate the practice of self-flagellation, self-awareness through self-examination is necessary for spiritual and emotional growth and for a healthy conscience to keep operating at optimum levels.
In being able to articulate my sins and to believe I can be forgiven my sins, I am given the peace of redemptive absolution and an ever-growing capacity for love - both to receive and to give.
Thus I am able to live out the fullest expression of my sexuality as woman through this amazing spousal relationship I have with Jesus.I am loved and cherished as a spouse and mother, and I can love as a spouse and mother. In this ongoing exchange of love, I am fulfilled, as only a happily married woman can be.
All I have to do is say yes, and keep on doing so.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Intimacy's diversity
I just got off the phone from a rare chat with an ex-boyfriend and I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation, as did he, both of us loathe to end the conversation for the strong connection that still exists between the two of us.
We spent an hour pleasantly catching up: what we've been up to and recent events and ideas that have made an impact on our lives.
It was a conversation of shared intimacy, a meeting of minds, that enriched us both while building another cord of warm affection in our bond of friendship.
This is platonic friendship at its best. No expectations. Just simple gratitude for what it is, and for the occasional opportunity where we share our lives with love.
In today's lingo, "friends with benefits" means a relationship between man and woman with no strings attached or any romantic allusions, but one which includes sex. An antithesis to JPII's Theology of the Body for man and woman use each other for selfish gratification without truly appreciating and respecting the dignity of the other.
Conversely what D. and I have is a failed romantic relationship, and a friendship that survives for we also accepted and loved the other for who we were - and we still do.
In mutually respecting the changed boundaries of a platonic friendship, we are both blessed with a hard-to-come-by relationship between the sexes where purity exists in love.
It's this purity I value for it allows me to love freely without wanting more, and my life is enriched, my femininity affirmed, without my dignity being sullied. I am filled without my craving for more.
And I value my worth sufficiently to be able to deal with the sporadic hunger pang in a way that increases my self-worth through the grace of discipline and self-mastery.
While men and women are made for love, the world today has bought into the ideal of love being romantic love, and a crude understanding of sexuality and carnality being bed partners, thereby reducing love into a longed for and prized erotic exchange of bodily fluids.
This belief perpetuated by media, art, music and a "culture of death" leaves men and women starved for intimacy, with very little ability to receive a perceived worthwhile or valued love in any way other than a romantic or sexual liaison.
Singlehood is seen as the chief reason for loneliness, burdensome, rather that a state of life that can be as fulfilling and enriching as marriage and parenthood.
In Susan Muto's Late Have I Loved Thee, The Recovery of Intimacy, she speaks of the "faces of intimacy" of being "as diverse as stars, as unique as snowflakes" and quite within reach of every person.
It simply requires us to "listen appreciatively', "to be present to every event" in our everyday lives; for our love for others to be "purified of self-gratifying passions" and to be chaste and respectful; and to cultivate a "poverty of spirit", to "live simply" so that we can "let go of things as final sources of satisfaction" and to "treat things reverently".
These choices, and a broadening of our definition of love will allow us be open to the ways love and intimacy can touch our lives.
In mundane, ordinary and diverse ways. Even through perfect strangers and humdrum events.
A single phone conversation.
As I increasingly continue to experience my individual being as someone sacred, unique and loved, I am able to extrapolate my everyday experiences to arrive at the truth that love, and intimacy are very much within my grasp.
Just like today.
And I thank God for friendships with the benefits of purity and freedom.
We spent an hour pleasantly catching up: what we've been up to and recent events and ideas that have made an impact on our lives.
It was a conversation of shared intimacy, a meeting of minds, that enriched us both while building another cord of warm affection in our bond of friendship.
This is platonic friendship at its best. No expectations. Just simple gratitude for what it is, and for the occasional opportunity where we share our lives with love.
In today's lingo, "friends with benefits" means a relationship between man and woman with no strings attached or any romantic allusions, but one which includes sex. An antithesis to JPII's Theology of the Body for man and woman use each other for selfish gratification without truly appreciating and respecting the dignity of the other.
Conversely what D. and I have is a failed romantic relationship, and a friendship that survives for we also accepted and loved the other for who we were - and we still do.
In mutually respecting the changed boundaries of a platonic friendship, we are both blessed with a hard-to-come-by relationship between the sexes where purity exists in love.
It's this purity I value for it allows me to love freely without wanting more, and my life is enriched, my femininity affirmed, without my dignity being sullied. I am filled without my craving for more.
And I value my worth sufficiently to be able to deal with the sporadic hunger pang in a way that increases my self-worth through the grace of discipline and self-mastery.
While men and women are made for love, the world today has bought into the ideal of love being romantic love, and a crude understanding of sexuality and carnality being bed partners, thereby reducing love into a longed for and prized erotic exchange of bodily fluids.
This belief perpetuated by media, art, music and a "culture of death" leaves men and women starved for intimacy, with very little ability to receive a perceived worthwhile or valued love in any way other than a romantic or sexual liaison.
Singlehood is seen as the chief reason for loneliness, burdensome, rather that a state of life that can be as fulfilling and enriching as marriage and parenthood.
In Susan Muto's Late Have I Loved Thee, The Recovery of Intimacy, she speaks of the "faces of intimacy" of being "as diverse as stars, as unique as snowflakes" and quite within reach of every person.
It simply requires us to "listen appreciatively', "to be present to every event" in our everyday lives; for our love for others to be "purified of self-gratifying passions" and to be chaste and respectful; and to cultivate a "poverty of spirit", to "live simply" so that we can "let go of things as final sources of satisfaction" and to "treat things reverently".
These choices, and a broadening of our definition of love will allow us be open to the ways love and intimacy can touch our lives.
In mundane, ordinary and diverse ways. Even through perfect strangers and humdrum events.
A single phone conversation.
As I increasingly continue to experience my individual being as someone sacred, unique and loved, I am able to extrapolate my everyday experiences to arrive at the truth that love, and intimacy are very much within my grasp.
Just like today.
And I thank God for friendships with the benefits of purity and freedom.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Life lessons
It's less than a month before my birthday and I enter into a time of reflection. I am probably at the mid-way mark (or hopefully less) in life and it's as a good a time as any to take stock of life and think a little more about what I want to do with the second half of my life.
I especially like Regina Brett's 50 life's lessons* and thought of coming up with a list of lessons culled from the books I've read, movies I've watched, people whose paths have crossed mine and my own life experiences.
So here it is, in no particular order (if I have plagiarized without acknowledging the original source, I beg pardon - please let me know and I will rectify my oversight):
1. Watch what you eat, exercise and (most importantly) sstrrrreeeettchhhh every day - when it comes to good health, prevention is less costly and painful than the cure.
2. Work constantly on boundaries that keep the bad out and let the good in (thanks to Cloud and Townsend).
3. We will always be work in progress so do enjoy and draw pleasure from the journey even as you aspire to reach the destination.
4. Depression is a waste of time and energy - if you don't like where you are, walk away. If you don't like who you are, change. All things are possible with God (to paraphrase the angel Gabriel).
5. Even when you are walking through the valley of tears and misery, you can make it a place of springs (Psalm 84).
6. While it's good to have plans and goals, don't get too bummed out when things don't go your way. Detours can be enriching, plus, His way is best.
7. When you are lost, ask for directions from a higher order. Don't rely on your own efforts and resources when the Holy Spirit can bring clarity.
8. If you know WHO you really are, you will know HOW to make true choices in life and know WHERE you are going. (Thanks to Margaret Silf's Landmarks.)
9. You may not like what lies ahead, but with Jesus as constant companion, you will have fortitude to walk the narrow path - His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).
10. Healing can only begin when we are willing to face our brokenness and issues in God's light of love and truth.
11. Look for opportunities to love each day and you will receive love in return.
12. Be still and listen. God speaks in whispers for He wants us to exercise our freedom of will.
13. Don't let guilt keep you standing outside the Father's house. It's harsh out there. Knock and the door will open, with a warm and loving reception (Luke 11:9-10).
14. Pray unceasingly, through every season of life. Every day. Even when you don't feel like it.
15. Ad majorem dei gloriam - let everything you do be for the greater glory of God and you will never go wrong.
16. "We are all capable of great things if we refuse to be defeated by the fear of our own weakness." - Karol. The Pope. The Man.
17. The truth is I am precious, a delight, priceless, beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made because I am made in His image and likeness. So why don't I revel in this truth all the time? I should.
18. If I don't love and respect my own dignity as woman, I cannot love and respect others nor can I receive the love and respect that I should from others. (Read JPII's Mulieris Dignitatem for inspiration.)
19. While talking it out is good for the soul, nothing beats acting on our convictions and living life with no regrets. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
20. If we remain rooted in God (Psalm 1) then we can soar like eagles (Isaiah 40:31).
21. Just do it - even if you fall flat on your face, it sure beats sitting on the sidelines, not participating in life. Besides, the Spirit of God is not one of timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).
22. Passion and purity are both necessary and inextricably linked expressions of our sexuality.
23. It's important to ask why and seek for the truth with St.Anselm's faith seeking understanding in order to experience God in a very personal way and to be able to interiorize the Way, the Truth and the Life (John 14:6).
24. Cultivate a heart of gratitude and you will never run out of blessings.
25. Suffering can transform us and allow us to express who we really are - a being called to transcendence and redemption. (Read JPII's Salvifici Doloris for insights on the meaning of suffering.)
26. Love and honour your parents on a daily basis for they gave you the very precious gift of life.
27. We can only fill the God-shaped space in our hearts by seeking within (meditate on St. Augustine's Late Have I Loved Thee). Emptiness cannot be filled with "things of the world".
28. If you look for what is Good, True and Beautiful, you will find God.
29. You cannot save the world, so don't even try. Just do what you are called to do - to be a "perfect" witness (Matthew 19:21) - and leave the rest up to God.
30. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
31. Be "the little pencil in God's hand", just as Mother Teresa was, and you can do "small things with great love". - Mother Teresa
32. Always treat your loved ones like gold and never take them for granted. If they take you for granted, let them know gently, even as you forgive them.
33. Speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)
34. God is all-forgiving and ever-merciful so we should be like Him, especially when it comes to ourselves and our families.
35. Celebrate your feminine genius (JPII), even as you respect your brother's masculine genius.
36. Find the gumption to walk on water - you won't regret it. It's the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.
37. What you comprehend in your head, you must understand in your heart, if not, it is a truth you haven't yet fully grasped.
38. If you can identify the distortions in your life and come up with counter-logics to deal with them using prayer, stretching and modelling, you will be able to live more fully alive. (John Powell's Fully Alive Experience.)
39. Nurture, play and have fun with your inner child and fulfil her/his needs so that she/he can grow into the woman/man she/he was meant to be.
40. Forgiveness is key to joy and inner peace. Without forgiveness, we cannot grow or move ahead into freedom.
41. In lamenting life's sorrows, we accord proper respect to circumstance and will eventually, with grace, feel God's loving presence in darkest despair. (Thanks to Fr. Martin Cilia's talk on dying and grief.)
42. In times of crisis or desolation, never alter a decision arrived at in times of consolation (from St. Ignatius of Loyola's Discernment Rules).
43. Agere contra - The Ignatian way to act against desolation or the personal inclination to sin and evil.
44. Live in the Spirit and you will bear His fruit (Galatians 5:22) and receive His gifts (1 Corinthians 12:8-13).
45. "... it is cleat that sexuality cannot be separated from love... Man and woman must take responsibility for their relationships and to defend the purity of love and sexuality." - Karol. The Pope. The Man. (JP II's Theology of the Body proposes exactly how we can achieve this.)
46 "Right is right even if no one is doing it, wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it." - Most recently quoted on the Montana episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations.
* To read Regina Brett's, go to: http://www.cleveland.com/brett/blog/index.ssf/2006/05/regina_bretts_45_life_lessons.html)
I especially like Regina Brett's 50 life's lessons* and thought of coming up with a list of lessons culled from the books I've read, movies I've watched, people whose paths have crossed mine and my own life experiences.
So here it is, in no particular order (if I have plagiarized without acknowledging the original source, I beg pardon - please let me know and I will rectify my oversight):
1. Watch what you eat, exercise and (most importantly) sstrrrreeeettchhhh every day - when it comes to good health, prevention is less costly and painful than the cure.
2. Work constantly on boundaries that keep the bad out and let the good in (thanks to Cloud and Townsend).
3. We will always be work in progress so do enjoy and draw pleasure from the journey even as you aspire to reach the destination.
4. Depression is a waste of time and energy - if you don't like where you are, walk away. If you don't like who you are, change. All things are possible with God (to paraphrase the angel Gabriel).
5. Even when you are walking through the valley of tears and misery, you can make it a place of springs (Psalm 84).
6. While it's good to have plans and goals, don't get too bummed out when things don't go your way. Detours can be enriching, plus, His way is best.
7. When you are lost, ask for directions from a higher order. Don't rely on your own efforts and resources when the Holy Spirit can bring clarity.
8. If you know WHO you really are, you will know HOW to make true choices in life and know WHERE you are going. (Thanks to Margaret Silf's Landmarks.)
9. You may not like what lies ahead, but with Jesus as constant companion, you will have fortitude to walk the narrow path - His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).
10. Healing can only begin when we are willing to face our brokenness and issues in God's light of love and truth.
11. Look for opportunities to love each day and you will receive love in return.
12. Be still and listen. God speaks in whispers for He wants us to exercise our freedom of will.
13. Don't let guilt keep you standing outside the Father's house. It's harsh out there. Knock and the door will open, with a warm and loving reception (Luke 11:9-10).
14. Pray unceasingly, through every season of life. Every day. Even when you don't feel like it.
15. Ad majorem dei gloriam - let everything you do be for the greater glory of God and you will never go wrong.
16. "We are all capable of great things if we refuse to be defeated by the fear of our own weakness." - Karol. The Pope. The Man.
17. The truth is I am precious, a delight, priceless, beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made because I am made in His image and likeness. So why don't I revel in this truth all the time? I should.
18. If I don't love and respect my own dignity as woman, I cannot love and respect others nor can I receive the love and respect that I should from others. (Read JPII's Mulieris Dignitatem for inspiration.)
19. While talking it out is good for the soul, nothing beats acting on our convictions and living life with no regrets. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
20. If we remain rooted in God (Psalm 1) then we can soar like eagles (Isaiah 40:31).
21. Just do it - even if you fall flat on your face, it sure beats sitting on the sidelines, not participating in life. Besides, the Spirit of God is not one of timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).
22. Passion and purity are both necessary and inextricably linked expressions of our sexuality.
23. It's important to ask why and seek for the truth with St.Anselm's faith seeking understanding in order to experience God in a very personal way and to be able to interiorize the Way, the Truth and the Life (John 14:6).
24. Cultivate a heart of gratitude and you will never run out of blessings.
25. Suffering can transform us and allow us to express who we really are - a being called to transcendence and redemption. (Read JPII's Salvifici Doloris for insights on the meaning of suffering.)
26. Love and honour your parents on a daily basis for they gave you the very precious gift of life.
27. We can only fill the God-shaped space in our hearts by seeking within (meditate on St. Augustine's Late Have I Loved Thee). Emptiness cannot be filled with "things of the world".
28. If you look for what is Good, True and Beautiful, you will find God.
29. You cannot save the world, so don't even try. Just do what you are called to do - to be a "perfect" witness (Matthew 19:21) - and leave the rest up to God.
30. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
31. Be "the little pencil in God's hand", just as Mother Teresa was, and you can do "small things with great love". - Mother Teresa
32. Always treat your loved ones like gold and never take them for granted. If they take you for granted, let them know gently, even as you forgive them.
33. Speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)
34. God is all-forgiving and ever-merciful so we should be like Him, especially when it comes to ourselves and our families.
35. Celebrate your feminine genius (JPII), even as you respect your brother's masculine genius.
36. Find the gumption to walk on water - you won't regret it. It's the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.
37. What you comprehend in your head, you must understand in your heart, if not, it is a truth you haven't yet fully grasped.
38. If you can identify the distortions in your life and come up with counter-logics to deal with them using prayer, stretching and modelling, you will be able to live more fully alive. (John Powell's Fully Alive Experience.)
39. Nurture, play and have fun with your inner child and fulfil her/his needs so that she/he can grow into the woman/man she/he was meant to be.
40. Forgiveness is key to joy and inner peace. Without forgiveness, we cannot grow or move ahead into freedom.
41. In lamenting life's sorrows, we accord proper respect to circumstance and will eventually, with grace, feel God's loving presence in darkest despair. (Thanks to Fr. Martin Cilia's talk on dying and grief.)
42. In times of crisis or desolation, never alter a decision arrived at in times of consolation (from St. Ignatius of Loyola's Discernment Rules).
43. Agere contra - The Ignatian way to act against desolation or the personal inclination to sin and evil.
44. Live in the Spirit and you will bear His fruit (Galatians 5:22) and receive His gifts (1 Corinthians 12:8-13).
45. "... it is cleat that sexuality cannot be separated from love... Man and woman must take responsibility for their relationships and to defend the purity of love and sexuality." - Karol. The Pope. The Man. (JP II's Theology of the Body proposes exactly how we can achieve this.)
46 "Right is right even if no one is doing it, wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it." - Most recently quoted on the Montana episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations.
* To read Regina Brett's, go to: http://www.cleveland.com/brett/blog/index.ssf/2006/05/regina_bretts_45_life_lessons.html)
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Do not worry
It's been great slowing down and just listening to the demands of my body and responding in a positive manner.
When I am hungry (which I am quite a bit, much to my chagrin), I eat.
When I am tired, I sleep.
When I feel up to it, I take slow strolls around my estate with my mother as companion.
I have become more attuned to the rhythms of my body as it follows the sun's progress east to west daily.
The healing process is slow, but sure. Every day I feel a little stronger, but I know not to push it, which is hard for the me who is used to a more rapid pace of life.
Part of the healing process involves pain. As my nerves re-connect, parts of my skin near the wound have become hyper-sensitive, while other areas remain strangely numb.
Strange, sharp pains shoot through my system sporadically and my muscles spasm into life disconcertingly after an uncanny quiescence.
There are days I feel like I've been cut into half and my entire person will never be the same again.
I am bone-achingly tired and feel spent without even doing more than sitting in front of the telly.
But I know I am getting better and this is just something I have to go through.
C. asked if I felt depressed and the answer is no. Initially I just felt too awful physically. Plus, the thing that mattered most to me, my uterus, was still a part of me. That alone gave me cause for celebration. And I am eternally grateful that my deepest desire was granted.
Today S. visited me and asked if I were worried that it could be cancer.
Yes, there is a part of me that experiences some anxiety when I think about it for my fibroid was atypical in appearance. Then again, I told her I didn't think much about it for I would cross that bridge when I came to it.
Matthew 6:34 comes to mind, not to worry about tomorrow for it would take care of itself.
This is how I choose to live my life: one day at a time, taking one step at a time.
The Father knows what I need and I will rely on His love to see me through this period of restoration.
And so, I do not worry.
When I am hungry (which I am quite a bit, much to my chagrin), I eat.
When I am tired, I sleep.
When I feel up to it, I take slow strolls around my estate with my mother as companion.
I have become more attuned to the rhythms of my body as it follows the sun's progress east to west daily.
The healing process is slow, but sure. Every day I feel a little stronger, but I know not to push it, which is hard for the me who is used to a more rapid pace of life.
Part of the healing process involves pain. As my nerves re-connect, parts of my skin near the wound have become hyper-sensitive, while other areas remain strangely numb.
Strange, sharp pains shoot through my system sporadically and my muscles spasm into life disconcertingly after an uncanny quiescence.
There are days I feel like I've been cut into half and my entire person will never be the same again.
I am bone-achingly tired and feel spent without even doing more than sitting in front of the telly.
But I know I am getting better and this is just something I have to go through.
C. asked if I felt depressed and the answer is no. Initially I just felt too awful physically. Plus, the thing that mattered most to me, my uterus, was still a part of me. That alone gave me cause for celebration. And I am eternally grateful that my deepest desire was granted.
Today S. visited me and asked if I were worried that it could be cancer.
Yes, there is a part of me that experiences some anxiety when I think about it for my fibroid was atypical in appearance. Then again, I told her I didn't think much about it for I would cross that bridge when I came to it.
Matthew 6:34 comes to mind, not to worry about tomorrow for it would take care of itself.
This is how I choose to live my life: one day at a time, taking one step at a time.
The Father knows what I need and I will rely on His love to see me through this period of restoration.
And so, I do not worry.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Coffee strong and good
Just over the last couple of months, three girlfriends of mine suffered sudden and traumatic bereavements in their respective lives.
Then I got to experience just last week physical pain and suffering that I have not been exposed to previously and it was an eye-opener.
In Pope John Paul II's apostolic letter Salvifici Doloris, On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering, the late pontiff states that suffering is "essential to the nature of man".
It belongs to our "transcendence" for we are "'destined' to go beyond" ourselves and we are each "called to this in a mysterious way".
Instead of running away or loathing the reality of suffering, if we are able to find meaning in it (google Frankl's logotherapy) and use it to transform our lives, then suffering becomes a positive thing, a signpost on the road, leading us to our final destination with ever-growing certainty and joy.
There is an classic story of how people react to adversity and suffering - either like carrots, eggs or ground coffee beans boiled in water.
Those like carrots who were firm and strong become soft and weak when exposed to heat.
Those like eggs who were tender-hearted and soft inside become hard-boiled and tough through and through.
Those like ground coffee beans transform the environment around them by releasing an essence that exudes a rich aroma and flavour, pleasing to many.
Thus suffering can be a time of transformation and growth, even as it evokes different responses from different people, making it both a universal and unique experience for each individual.
While each one of us must journey through life bearing our own crosses (albeit some self-manufactured and unnecessary) and work through the difficult times on our own, the comforting thought is we are not alone.
We are never alone, even when we think we are. This has been my experience through these last two weeks leading up to the operation and post-surgery.
The Trinity, Father, Son and Spirit, were there - through it all.
So were my guardian angel, Mother Mary and the communion of saints. It's times like these I truly love belonging to a catholic family! :D
When I felt discouraged or panicked or couldn't pray, someone, near or far, would message me and keep me going.
Or someone would pop by the hospital and literally be a ministering angel, restoring me to health.
I rested well in the knowledge that I had a prayer lifeline in my W2W sisters who had set up an intercessory prayer chain through the high BP, nausea, pain, bleeding, fevers and debilitating state of being.
Every little worry I have had regarding the entire situation, in offering it up I have found that His hand has guided and provided a generous answer.
The question, of course, is whether I allow myself to depend on Him for being weak and humble is... humbling. It calls for my continued obedience, chastity and poverty.
At this point, six days post-surgery, I can only be awed at how everything was taken care of as it should have been and that I had the best of care from all the medical professionals who were in contact with me.
I am profoundly grateful for all my visitors and my prayer warriors who have showed me love and care in a multitude of ways. People who appeared magically when help was needed.
My thoughts on waking two days ago and on feeling myself turn the corner was how truly blessed I was even as I had to "groan" through the last week.
As I look forward to saying yes with a more resounding voice myself and to decocting the brew that God has planned for me (yes I know what this time of rest is to be used for), I am glad for the gift of the Holy Spirit this Pentecost past.
The Spirit that resides within us and helps us "rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" (Romans 5).
It is a hope that does not disappoint, for as Fr. Damian mentioned in his Ascension Thursday homily, we are a people of hope because we know where we come from, we know where we are and we know where we are going.
I would also like to say to my three girlfriends, K., S. and P., know that I love you and will continue to pray that you each experience the blessings that come with suffering, and consequently brew excellent cups of coffee yourselves.
With the help of the Chief Barista, of course.
Then I got to experience just last week physical pain and suffering that I have not been exposed to previously and it was an eye-opener.
In Pope John Paul II's apostolic letter Salvifici Doloris, On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering, the late pontiff states that suffering is "essential to the nature of man".
It belongs to our "transcendence" for we are "'destined' to go beyond" ourselves and we are each "called to this in a mysterious way".
Instead of running away or loathing the reality of suffering, if we are able to find meaning in it (google Frankl's logotherapy) and use it to transform our lives, then suffering becomes a positive thing, a signpost on the road, leading us to our final destination with ever-growing certainty and joy.
There is an classic story of how people react to adversity and suffering - either like carrots, eggs or ground coffee beans boiled in water.
Those like carrots who were firm and strong become soft and weak when exposed to heat.
Those like eggs who were tender-hearted and soft inside become hard-boiled and tough through and through.
Those like ground coffee beans transform the environment around them by releasing an essence that exudes a rich aroma and flavour, pleasing to many.
Thus suffering can be a time of transformation and growth, even as it evokes different responses from different people, making it both a universal and unique experience for each individual.
While each one of us must journey through life bearing our own crosses (albeit some self-manufactured and unnecessary) and work through the difficult times on our own, the comforting thought is we are not alone.
We are never alone, even when we think we are. This has been my experience through these last two weeks leading up to the operation and post-surgery.
The Trinity, Father, Son and Spirit, were there - through it all.
So were my guardian angel, Mother Mary and the communion of saints. It's times like these I truly love belonging to a catholic family! :D
When I felt discouraged or panicked or couldn't pray, someone, near or far, would message me and keep me going.
Or someone would pop by the hospital and literally be a ministering angel, restoring me to health.
I rested well in the knowledge that I had a prayer lifeline in my W2W sisters who had set up an intercessory prayer chain through the high BP, nausea, pain, bleeding, fevers and debilitating state of being.
Every little worry I have had regarding the entire situation, in offering it up I have found that His hand has guided and provided a generous answer.
The question, of course, is whether I allow myself to depend on Him for being weak and humble is... humbling. It calls for my continued obedience, chastity and poverty.
At this point, six days post-surgery, I can only be awed at how everything was taken care of as it should have been and that I had the best of care from all the medical professionals who were in contact with me.
I am profoundly grateful for all my visitors and my prayer warriors who have showed me love and care in a multitude of ways. People who appeared magically when help was needed.
My thoughts on waking two days ago and on feeling myself turn the corner was how truly blessed I was even as I had to "groan" through the last week.
As I look forward to saying yes with a more resounding voice myself and to decocting the brew that God has planned for me (yes I know what this time of rest is to be used for), I am glad for the gift of the Holy Spirit this Pentecost past.
The Spirit that resides within us and helps us "rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" (Romans 5).
It is a hope that does not disappoint, for as Fr. Damian mentioned in his Ascension Thursday homily, we are a people of hope because we know where we come from, we know where we are and we know where we are going.
I would also like to say to my three girlfriends, K., S. and P., know that I love you and will continue to pray that you each experience the blessings that come with suffering, and consequently brew excellent cups of coffee yourselves.
With the help of the Chief Barista, of course.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Womb-inations
The date of my surgery draws near and I have not been doing too well, i.e. I have been stressed, trying to teach as much as I can, acquiring money much like a squirrel gathering acorns just before the winter for I will not be working for a month post-surgery, plus trying to juggle a whole bunch of other stuff - just don't ask me what for I never know where the time goes.
I have not been sleeping well either. In part due to my foot injury from two months ago which has totally screwed up my back and legs from walking around with an uneven gait, and, I think in part due to the stress of the impending operation and the forced recuperation period (and having to switch gears).
The latest manifestation in my body is high blood pressure which is a 'from-left-field' curve ball for I have never had problems with BP, as recent as a month ago, and have always had a tendency towards low BP. So what is it that is causing me so much mental anguish?
On reflection I realize I still find it difficult to let go of certain situations and areas in my life and let Him lead.
The control freak in me cannot deal with the fact that I will be unconscious for two hours while strangers invade my personal space and cut open my body to remove something foreign (the fibroid) and possibly something that is a fundamental part of my womanhood (my uterus).
Every fibre in my body and psyche screams out against the removal of my womb, the seat of my creativity. Yes, there is slight possibility of me using it to give life any time in the future, but I am most partial to my womb, having had it my entire life.
Yes, I can be a mother, spiritually and still be creative and life-giving even without my uterus, and I would still be every inch the woman I am now, but I would know something that was present no longer is and I mourn even the possibility of this scenario coming to pass.
As I write this I recall what John Powell says about 95% of our suffering being neurotic so... I am merely exercising my neurotic bent.
The struggle also comes from the idea of being weak and being the one who has to rely on others, and to receive. I am more used to being the one who gives.
I am the Good Samaritan, not the injured man lying on the side of the road.
It is extremely uncomfortable for me to be the succoured, not the succourer.
Humbling. This stems from both pride and a deep-rooted fear of rejection.
One of my key conclusions after we finished Cloud and Townsend's Boundaries is I am not adept at letting the good in and I guess that there is no time like the present for putting into practice and perfecting an insight that calls for action.
Strange as it may seem (or maybe not so strange given the above insight), it is painful for me to receive love for I can't quite believe that I am worthy of the outpouring of love that I have already been receiving from family, friends and clients.
Am I really capable of inspiring such love? I am always bemused and a little overawed when people say yes so resoundingly.
In this whole experience, I know I am called to trust Jesus even more and to grow in confidence in the truth: that I am precious, beloved and a pearl of great price.
I know that Jesus is with me, and will be with me through it all.
Now I just need to experience this truth in my body and have my blood pressure revert to normal.
I have not been sleeping well either. In part due to my foot injury from two months ago which has totally screwed up my back and legs from walking around with an uneven gait, and, I think in part due to the stress of the impending operation and the forced recuperation period (and having to switch gears).
The latest manifestation in my body is high blood pressure which is a 'from-left-field' curve ball for I have never had problems with BP, as recent as a month ago, and have always had a tendency towards low BP. So what is it that is causing me so much mental anguish?
On reflection I realize I still find it difficult to let go of certain situations and areas in my life and let Him lead.
The control freak in me cannot deal with the fact that I will be unconscious for two hours while strangers invade my personal space and cut open my body to remove something foreign (the fibroid) and possibly something that is a fundamental part of my womanhood (my uterus).
Every fibre in my body and psyche screams out against the removal of my womb, the seat of my creativity. Yes, there is slight possibility of me using it to give life any time in the future, but I am most partial to my womb, having had it my entire life.
Yes, I can be a mother, spiritually and still be creative and life-giving even without my uterus, and I would still be every inch the woman I am now, but I would know something that was present no longer is and I mourn even the possibility of this scenario coming to pass.
As I write this I recall what John Powell says about 95% of our suffering being neurotic so... I am merely exercising my neurotic bent.
The struggle also comes from the idea of being weak and being the one who has to rely on others, and to receive. I am more used to being the one who gives.
I am the Good Samaritan, not the injured man lying on the side of the road.
It is extremely uncomfortable for me to be the succoured, not the succourer.
Humbling. This stems from both pride and a deep-rooted fear of rejection.
One of my key conclusions after we finished Cloud and Townsend's Boundaries is I am not adept at letting the good in and I guess that there is no time like the present for putting into practice and perfecting an insight that calls for action.
Strange as it may seem (or maybe not so strange given the above insight), it is painful for me to receive love for I can't quite believe that I am worthy of the outpouring of love that I have already been receiving from family, friends and clients.
Am I really capable of inspiring such love? I am always bemused and a little overawed when people say yes so resoundingly.
In this whole experience, I know I am called to trust Jesus even more and to grow in confidence in the truth: that I am precious, beloved and a pearl of great price.
I know that Jesus is with me, and will be with me through it all.
Now I just need to experience this truth in my body and have my blood pressure revert to normal.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Emmaus electric
These past few weeks I realized just how much power words can hold. I have always understood this but did not actually think that words spoken to me when I was a young girl would still impact me today.
The negative comments, jeers, taunts and labels, the lies that were thrown at me still reside within me, frozen in time, buzzing with life and holding sway over my self-esteem and my psyche.
So no matter how confident I am now, as an adult, in certain situations, I still react like that young girl who was uncomfortable in her own skin because she believed the negative messages told to her, and that made her feel like she was lacking, a misfit.
I remain reserved and guarded in my awkwardness, and in the language of Boundaries, I tend not to let the good in, even as I have been quite adept at keeping the bad out (while allowing the bad inside to set up house, so it seems).
Hanging onto the past is no way to live, especially if it impedes growth and freedom in the present.
Did Jesus not say “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”?
It was therefore no coincidence that I got a chance to go for a weekend retreat at the Major Seminary early April. What was duty and obligation on my part turned out to be a blessing as I had the opportunity to revisit my past and reflect on how I wanted my present to unfold.
As I rested in the silence spaces of my consciousness, I could feel my heart burning within me, like the two disciples who met and conversed with Jesus on the road to Emmaus.
At the same time I felt “foolish” and “slow of heart”, like the disciples, for not realizing earlier what was within my grasp all along and what I needed to do to move ahead.
I am thankful that God is faithful and He never gives up on me. Instead He keeps sending people in my life to serve as prophets, to remind me of who I am and what He desires for me.
Likewise the Fully Alive Experience last weekend as well as the Theology of the Body programme running currently in St. Teresa's every Tuesday evening have kept me alert to His presence and made effecting change easier.
This Easter has emerged as a season for me to let go even more of the past that still resonates in my body so that I can live the Easter promise with resounding integrity.
May truth always prevail.
The negative comments, jeers, taunts and labels, the lies that were thrown at me still reside within me, frozen in time, buzzing with life and holding sway over my self-esteem and my psyche.
So no matter how confident I am now, as an adult, in certain situations, I still react like that young girl who was uncomfortable in her own skin because she believed the negative messages told to her, and that made her feel like she was lacking, a misfit.
I remain reserved and guarded in my awkwardness, and in the language of Boundaries, I tend not to let the good in, even as I have been quite adept at keeping the bad out (while allowing the bad inside to set up house, so it seems).
Hanging onto the past is no way to live, especially if it impedes growth and freedom in the present.
Did Jesus not say “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”?
It was therefore no coincidence that I got a chance to go for a weekend retreat at the Major Seminary early April. What was duty and obligation on my part turned out to be a blessing as I had the opportunity to revisit my past and reflect on how I wanted my present to unfold.
As I rested in the silence spaces of my consciousness, I could feel my heart burning within me, like the two disciples who met and conversed with Jesus on the road to Emmaus.
At the same time I felt “foolish” and “slow of heart”, like the disciples, for not realizing earlier what was within my grasp all along and what I needed to do to move ahead.
I am thankful that God is faithful and He never gives up on me. Instead He keeps sending people in my life to serve as prophets, to remind me of who I am and what He desires for me.
Likewise the Fully Alive Experience last weekend as well as the Theology of the Body programme running currently in St. Teresa's every Tuesday evening have kept me alert to His presence and made effecting change easier.
This Easter has emerged as a season for me to let go even more of the past that still resonates in my body so that I can live the Easter promise with resounding integrity.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Naked with joy
I've been in a blue funk lately for life has not quite been going my way. I sprained my right foot badly which makes walking difficult, even now, over two weeks later.
This frustrates me greatly for it put a brake on my bid this year to get some cardio work into my exercise programme, besides creating tense, overworked muscles on the entire left side of my body.
Then I finally went for all my check-ups and discovered that my fibroid has grown quite a bit in the last 15 months and an operation is highly recommended and in-your-face imminent.
I really didn't need the check-up to tell me that for I could sense the changes in my body and I knew something was not quite right. Although, the check-up does confirm what is the next step for me and it forces me to act.
This Holy Week past was made more meaningful for me as I catalogued my crosses and my losses, identifying with Christ's Passion, every painful step of the way from Gethsemane to Golgotha.
The over-riding message I got from living through the Stations of the Cross was that Jesus loves me beyond all my sins.
That no matter how far I have deviated from the path I was meant to take and no matter how irretrievable are both the time and opportunity lost to wrong choices in my life, Christ's never-changing, infinite and eternal love is not only sufficient but transformational.
Redemption is always close at hand; if we choose it.
As I acknowledged the pain of my losses, the pain of my frustrations, the pain of letting go of the past, the pain of my shortcomings and physical limitations, and the pain of my all too human nature, I was able to walk, stripped of all pretense, from darkness into light.
My bleak and unadorned grief gave way to naked, unadulterated joy as the power of the resurrection became real and relevant in my life this Easter morning.
While the coming weeks may not prove easy for me, I will hold fast to this joy that welled up, unbidden, from deep within and remember that Christ died and rose again for me - so all is not lost, even when it may seem that way.
He lives again. Today and every day.
This frustrates me greatly for it put a brake on my bid this year to get some cardio work into my exercise programme, besides creating tense, overworked muscles on the entire left side of my body.
Then I finally went for all my check-ups and discovered that my fibroid has grown quite a bit in the last 15 months and an operation is highly recommended and in-your-face imminent.
I really didn't need the check-up to tell me that for I could sense the changes in my body and I knew something was not quite right. Although, the check-up does confirm what is the next step for me and it forces me to act.
This Holy Week past was made more meaningful for me as I catalogued my crosses and my losses, identifying with Christ's Passion, every painful step of the way from Gethsemane to Golgotha.
The over-riding message I got from living through the Stations of the Cross was that Jesus loves me beyond all my sins.
That no matter how far I have deviated from the path I was meant to take and no matter how irretrievable are both the time and opportunity lost to wrong choices in my life, Christ's never-changing, infinite and eternal love is not only sufficient but transformational.
Redemption is always close at hand; if we choose it.
As I acknowledged the pain of my losses, the pain of my frustrations, the pain of letting go of the past, the pain of my shortcomings and physical limitations, and the pain of my all too human nature, I was able to walk, stripped of all pretense, from darkness into light.
My bleak and unadorned grief gave way to naked, unadulterated joy as the power of the resurrection became real and relevant in my life this Easter morning.
While the coming weeks may not prove easy for me, I will hold fast to this joy that welled up, unbidden, from deep within and remember that Christ died and rose again for me - so all is not lost, even when it may seem that way.
He lives again. Today and every day.
Friday, April 02, 2010
Easter's promise
Within my heart there is a room
Filled with the pain of mistakes past.
Choices I made out of fear that
I would never ever find love.
Sorrow shrouds this cell in despair,
Shame of epic proportions kills
Any pinprick of hope that dares
To fill the space with buoyant vibes.
My soul is beyond redemption.
The plan He has for me is lost
My stupidity is to blame
Can I ever find my way back
To life; the life I am to have?
Is it possible to make straight
My impossibly crooked lines
A barrenness born of missteps?
Sweat drops of blood stream down my face
I am crucified by my self,
My body battered and broken.
Death speaks volumes to my dulled heart.
I know He has forgiven me.
Why else would He die for me?
The question is can I let go,
Forgive – and let Him come inside?
In darkest night there is no light
Within a tomb, shattered dreams lie
So we believe that it’s over
That nothing good can come our way.
We forget that God works in ways
Mysterious and miraculous.
Passion, death and resurrection.
Saved we can live in Easter's might.
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