Womb-inations

The date of my surgery draws near and I have not been doing too well, i.e. I have been stressed, trying to teach as much as I can, acquiring money much like a squirrel gathering acorns just before the winter for I will not be working for a month post-surgery, plus trying to juggle a whole bunch of other stuff - just don't ask me what for I never know where the time goes.

I have not been sleeping well either. In part due to my foot injury from two months ago which has totally screwed up my back and legs from walking around with an uneven gait, and, I think in part due to the stress of the impending operation and the forced recuperation period (and having to switch gears).

The latest manifestation in my body is high blood pressure which is a 'from-left-field' curve ball for I have never had problems with BP, as recent as a month ago, and have always had a tendency towards low BP. So what is it that is causing me so much mental anguish?

On reflection I realize I still find it difficult to let go of certain situations and areas in my life and let Him lead.

The control freak in me cannot deal with the fact that I will be unconscious for two hours while strangers invade my personal space and cut open my body to remove something foreign (the fibroid) and possibly something that is a fundamental part of my womanhood (my uterus).

Every fibre in my body and psyche screams out against the removal of my womb, the seat of my creativity. Yes, there is slight possibility of me using it to give life any time in the future, but I am most partial to my womb, having had it my entire life.

Yes, I can be a mother, spiritually and still be creative and life-giving even without my uterus, and I would still be every inch the woman I am now, but I would know something that was present no longer is and I mourn even the possibility of this scenario coming to pass.

As I write this I recall what John Powell says about 95% of our suffering being neurotic so... I am merely exercising my neurotic bent.

The struggle also comes from the idea of being weak and being the one who has to rely on others, and to receive. I am more used to being the one who gives.

I am the Good Samaritan, not the injured man lying on the side of the road.

It is extremely uncomfortable for me to be the succoured, not the succourer.

Humbling. This stems from both pride and a deep-rooted fear of rejection.

One of my key conclusions after we finished Cloud and Townsend's Boundaries is I am not adept at letting the good in and I guess that there is no time like the present for putting into practice and perfecting an insight that calls for action.

Strange as it may seem (or maybe not so strange given the above insight), it is painful for me to receive love for I can't quite believe that I am worthy of the outpouring of love that I have already been receiving from family, friends and clients.

Am I really capable of inspiring such love? I am always bemused and a little overawed when people say yes so resoundingly.

In this whole experience, I know I am called to trust Jesus even more and to grow in confidence in the truth: that I am precious, beloved and a pearl of great price.

I know that Jesus is with me, and will be with me through it all.

Now I just need to experience this truth in my body and have my blood pressure revert to normal.