Listening with humility

I just visited my SD yesterday and it was a fruitful visit covering a range of topics. When he asked me what I learnt from my visit to Fatima, I summarized it in three words for him for he is a little hard of hearing: Listen with humility. With a Gallic twinkle in his eye, he added, “Especially to those whom you are allergic to”.

How true. We often summarily dismiss the words of anyone, especially those for whom we lack affection or respect. I know I do it all the time – I shut them down and I shut them out. Worse, I often go around thinking I am right, and if anyone says anything contrary to my world view, I am quick to reject his or her words even if I happen to like the person. I, therefore, lose the possibility of gaining insight, wisdom and empathy, aside from the deepening of relationship bonds. Without humility, true listening cannot happen, thus, relationships have no space to breathe and grow.  

So listening with humility is a key activity for me to master in this stage of my journey if I do not want to end up an insufferable fool. Every day I have to stop myself from allowing quick, impatient words to tumble out of my mouth, words that are ill considered and can cause more harm instead of the good I desire; words that tear down, instead of building up. Another pearl my SD offered me years ago is that a person of good will is like fat in all the unwanted places. I do not wish to be a do gooder who lacks insight, wisdom and compassion, and whose actions are therefore of no discernible value. Meaning well and actually effecting real good are two entirely different things.

The prayer SD taught me years ago that is pure gold is to simply ask: Lord, show me how to love today? And in order to curb my impulsive, foolish tongue: Lord, please put Your words on my tongue today. 

Our Lady of Fatima also inspired me to make real in my life those fateful words at Cana: Do whatever He tells you. As a servant of the Lord, this imperative is vital, to being a good and faithful servant.  

SD and I also spoke of illness, mission, covenant and marriage.

“As long as we are alive, we have a mission to accomplish!” he ended his answer to how he was, given the infirmities age has imposed on him. Despite his lack of mobility and deafness, he still makes the effort to connect with people every day, and when we shared about people in our lives with cancer, he ended with a request that I pray for his friends as he will pray for my friends. What a testament to God is his zeal, his beautiful missionary heart still at work. I hope that I will never lose this living faith that SD embodies.   

On covenant - something I have been reflecting a lot on recently, given my upcoming five-year commitment taking with the ICPE Mission – SD shared another pearl, that covenant goes beyond a legal contract or duty, and that it is a choice, but a choice that needs love to be true. Love is at the heart of any covenant. It is initiated first by God, out of love, and I choose to respond with a yes, out of love for Him. This response made out of love must first translate in concrete ways of loving my community brothers and sisters in ways that they need to be loved. This requires a daily intention to love; effort, on my part, to love; and perseverance to love. 1 Corinthians 13:7 reverberates on what love should be:  

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

No community is perfect, no one is perfect, all of us have our own quirks and issues, we will irritate and hurt each other at times, we may not see eye to eye, we may become disillusioned, even broken… However, community is the place where we can each grow in tolerance, graciousness, generosity, compassion, patience, and all those wonderful virtues, gifts and fruits of the Spirit that every missionary disciple should possess, especially if we want to transform the world with the good news we bring. So, yes, love has to be the superpower I choose, for my covenant to be life-giving and rich, especially when my experience of living out the covenant can be hard going at times. All commitments to covenants are marathons, not sprints, I can only ask for the grace to keep running the race, and attaining the merits of enduring love, hope and faith.     

Finally, we spoke about marriage. What did I desire to pray for? I said I wanted to be able to love my husband in the way he needed to be loved, and not the way I thought he needed to be loved. He rejoined, “Ah, you are becoming more aware of his weaknesses.”

Initially I couldn’t quite see the connection, but he went on, “Men are not as strong as you think they are, and they all need to be pampered”. I could then see his point. I have taken P for granted in many ways because he is strong, capable, reliable, and someone I know I can lean on. Despite his many sterling qualities, there is a boy inside of him who also requires nurturing, gentleness and maternal warmth. Just as the girl inside of me needs someone to care for her in order she feels cherished and confident. The inner child who still resides in each of us needs assiduous tending. What a great reminder!

And so it all comes back to listening with humility, and doing whatever He tells me to do. I thank God for all the people He has put in my life to help me see truths and I also thank Him for giving me the heart to do whatever I need to do every single day. Without His love and His grace, I can do nothing.

Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

-        Saint Ignatius of Loyola

Fatima reveals

When one goes to a Marian shrine like Fatima in Portugal, there are expectations, especially when the day of the visit falls on 13 September, the date of the penultimate apparition of Mother Mary to young Lucia, Francisco and Jacinta in 1917.

I wasn't disappinted. Despite my initial dismay and stress induced by the brevity of the visit, I was given hard but clear insight as to what a pilgrimage is really meant for - a conversion of heart.

What did I really want to get out of going to Fatima? The answer was crystalline: peace and harmony that comes from the ability to love and forgive, as suggested by our driver cum guide, John, before we got there.

When I knew what I wanted, it was easy to know where to go, in spite of my initial confusion. The way forward was to jettison all negative emotion and to be led by the Spirit. I could hear Mother Mary encourage me: Follow him. So together with P by my side, we went forward to receive Jesus in the Eucharist as we became one with the pilgrims who were attending mass in the main square.

Before we left, some insights that came to me were that the love of Christ is always attainable, even when I am distracted and not quite feeling it. Conversion requires nothing more than the sincere desire to follow Christ, and then for me to make good that desire in action. Not an easy thing to accomplish most times, but doable mainly because His grace is always available to those who want it.

Jesus is always there for me, and with me, and He wants to bless me, but in order to be blessed, I have to receive Him with a repentant heart, a heart fully aware of my own sinfulness, but humble enough to rely wholly on Him to help me change, and thus to be able to refine my thoughts, words and actions continually.

The message given to the children that September in 1917 remains fresh:

You must pray! Continue to pray the Rosary every day in order to obtain the end of the war.

Praying unceasingly is the only way we can end the wars waged not just externally, but especially those we each wage internally. Unless I win those skirmishes with my inner demons that breed fear, resentment and discord, I cannot be His ambassador of peace, nor His face of love.

Our Lady of Fatima pray for us who believe, who adore, who hope, and who love God, and who ask pardon for those who do not believe, do not adore, do not hope and do not love. 

Marian availability

Recently at a cell group meeting we were each asked to reflect on where the Lord was calling each of us in different areas of our lives, and what would we each want to see in terms of personal growth or accomplishment over time?

The overarching thing for me was my availability, not just in tending to my own spiritual growth, or ageing physical self, but in giving time and energy to others which allowed them to experience the love of God.

That said, this year has been filled with many tumultuous events, and a varied group of people have come into my life, each of whom require something different from me. It has been challenging, to say the least, for it has often led me to question myself for I have felt stretched, and it has showed in my waning stores of patience, compassion and wisdom. I often feel that I frequently fail, that I could've been nicer, more gentle, and just more loving in my responses, rather than allowing my frustration and impatience to show.

The virtue of gentleness, a gentleness Mary of Nazereth displayed in dealing with life, either on the fly, or in pedestrian routine, this is what I desire. Life will always be messy and chaotic, storms do not appear at infrequent intervals but often in a flurry of atmospheric displays. I often feel I am batting desperately at a volley of shots that come my way, fast and furious, and from every angle. It is tiring, I get stressed out, I often feel like screaming, and yet, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my life the way it is.

I find meaning in everything I have been tasked to do, whether it be at work or on the domestic front. I find joy in my relationships: I feel loved and supported by my spouse - my heavenly Bridegroom and my earthly one - and I find myself able to love those around me, not always perfectly, but in ways they need to experience love.

My mission is to change the world in every personal encounter I have, and in the humblest of ways, often engaged in making a difference where my presence is not visible. As my SD pointed out, Mother Mary was first and foremost a humble Jewish girl who simply said yes to God, again, and again, and again. All her titles, especially the loftier ones, stem from her humility and her open heart. Nothing more than that.

So I seek to be more like her, every day, to listen, to ponder, then to act with sensitivity, and a generous heart. What I would like to see as accomplishment by year-end, is to better manage my temper and my fear of being wrong, and of looking stupid. I would like to be more confident, and calm in how I respond to adversity and challenge, and to behave with graciousness, acknowledging in my heart that being kind is better than being right. And when I fall, not to give up, but to quickly pick myself up and try again.

There's something about Mother Mary that makes the world a better place. She had a talent for getting people, like Jesus, perform miracles, and she still changes lives by appearing in quiet ways and effecting transformation in the hearts of those who see her. So more of her in me, please.

Resting in Him

Can one be in a place of consolation and desolation at the same time? I’d like to think that there is where I am right now. While I can see all the goodness of God in my life, how He places His hand of protection over me in inexplicable ways, and I can experience gratitude and joy from all the little and plentiful miracles showered on me, I am in a funk, no mistake about it, and it shows.

I am highly irritable, some of which can be attributed to lack of sleep, but mostly, I feel within me a lack of patience which breeds a lack of compassion and understanding. I am snappy and quite disagreeable. I find myself highly irritating, for there is this perpetually sour and crabby person within me, who is highly critical and cannot shut up. I am unsure if I can ever shut her down, and I fear that she will get the better of my intentions to be a likeable, lovable person whom people gravitate towards as I endeavour to be more Christ-like.

It is at times like these that I desperately miss E, who would always know what to say to challenge me and put fresh heart into me. She had this rare ability of channelling the Father’s needed mercy that brought relief and healing to my weary and broken interior, and this made me whole again, willing and able to continue the journey of being God’s broken healer to the world. The Spirit would give her the words to put a finger on what was wrong and what needed to be repented and renewed. Or rather you would be made aware of it yourself, for change can only come from self-awareness and self-acceptance, plus the willingness to want to be transformed, to change.

Of course I am aware that Jesus, the Holy Spirit, is the ultimate Counselor and Healer, and I have direct recourse to Him, but I just miss hearing His voice through E. My SD just asked me if I was lonely, and I replied, I am, I am lonely for her love, her friendship, her companionship and gentle guidance. I don’t often articulate this thought, but I guess the conference in KL really brought this to the fore. I kept meeting people who knew her and loved her, and they shared stories of how she transformed their lives. Dammit, I want her to continue transforming my life, as she did in the past. I need her to see the best of me when I am unable to see it myself, and to articulate it to me, which she did so well, so that I know I am on the right path. There isn’t anyone who can receive me the way she did, and give to me the love I need, as she did. And I know she is missed in this respect by many in my community for how she loved each and every one of us in the way we needed to be loved.

And so I go for reconciliation more frequently and I can only pray that that I learn to receive the love of the Lord more through the people and situations of my everyday life. SD reminded me that we don’t just hear His voice when we are deep in prayer, but it is in the mundane and banal details of our lives.

I can also continue to hope that it will not be such a colossal struggle to acquire the virtue of gentleness, I look forward to the day that it will be second nature to me and I don’t have to power through the inner processes of weeding out the uncharitable, ungracious, hateful thoughts that surface so readily. SD also reminded me to let go of my burdens and to take on Christ’s yoke and burden which are easy and light respectively. Silly me for trying to go it alone. I will give desolation a rest today and simply rest in Him.

More, like you

While attending a conference in Kuala Lumpur by the Institute for World Evangelisation, ICPE Mission, the Catholic lay community I belong to, I was completely captivated by a painting of the Eucharist which adorned the front of the altar. I wanted to know where I could actually get a similar image but never got round to asking the organizers. Plus, I figured I could shop online. Lo and behold, it was an original painting done by my community sister B who lives in KL. I texted her to tell her how taken I was with it and she promptly gifted it to me. I was thrilled and felt really loved and honoured by her.

B had painted it in four minutes flat, in preparation for an outreach she did in 2018, where she decided to showcase her gift of art. The painting was a response to the question: What is so special about being Catholic? B felt that as a Catholic, she was united with all her brothers and sister universally – past, present and future – when she received Jesus in the sacrament of the Eucharist.  

She used the background splash of colours to represent how the Body and Blood of Christ burst forth life and love onto and into everyone, and everything under the sun. Our God is always lavish with His love, like the sower who wastefully sows seeds everywhere, even on the path and rocky ground, and His extravagant love flows from that one tiny piece of unleavened bread and a singular goblet of wine.

When B asked me how her piece spoke to me, I said it is only when I place Christ before me (and within me and around me), that I am able to see what is true, good and beautiful emerge in my life, as represented by the vibrant colours. Through Christ, my world comes fully alive, in real living colour. That the colours were like a rainbow reminded me of how God always calls me to be in covenant with Him, to allow myself to experience a fulfilling intimacy that can only come from bonding with Him sacramentally. It implies a full-hearted yes as answer from me.

I placed B’s painting in between my grandchildren’s creations and what came to me, on the Feast of the Transfiguration, was this: as individuals, we are like single fish swimming along, beautiful and complex in our beings, but if we have not encountered the Lord, our world, and we, ourselves, are devoid of colour. We live in a world that is flat, maybe even dark, without colour, as solitary creatures, lacking real purpose and identity.

However, in a personal encounter with the living Christ, we cannot help but be transformed. The true colours of our identity emerge, for the colourful rays of Christ’s love have touched us and we have been sealed by the Holy Spirit. And so we can go out, together, as missionary disciples, to spread the joy of the Good News to everyone. We can live and breathe the hope and light of the kerygma, enabling those around us to believe that life can be so much more than what it is, just because Jesus came to save us by His life, death and resurrection. Love, this salvific love, the act of dying to self, for the better of the other, is what it is all about, as followers of Christ.

While the parameters of my life haven’t changed very much since returning home from the conference, I do feel renewed in my faith, and I know that more is expected and required from me, as more was just so recently given to me. Challenges lie afoot.

The word, magis, sums it up for me, which is the Latin word for more. What do I desire in my life? If indeed it is more of Christ in my life, which it is, then I can only strive to do more for Him, for His greater glory. Thus, I must be more, every single day, without fail. And maybe, just maybe, I can grow more and more into the person He sees in me, a me of whom I only have occasional glimpses.

Dear Lord

Make me more

Like you

So I can be more

Your hands your feet

Light in the darkness

Comfort in sorrow

Strength in sickness

Courage in fear

Peace in desolation

Food for the hungry

Life to those who are bereft

Make me more

By Your grace

Vacation highlights

I returned from vacation and just finished wading through all the shared digital photographs we took - editing and organizing the lot, quite a project. I created an album called highlights to be able to share with interested friends and family members when I meet with them. As always, the true highlights are not the spectacular landscapes or amazing food, the rich exposure to people, places, and culture - my real highlights have an inextricably linked spiritual dimension.

First of all, I am amazed at how much the Lord loves us and laid His protective hand over us. It doesn’t mean I didn’t get food poisoning, a URTI (upper respiratory tract infection), or COVID, but despite all these ailments, I was fortunate enough to extract maximum joy and pleasure from this trip. I played, I ate, I laughed, and I spent time visiting with relatives, which is so precious, the older we all get.

P and I were blessed to be able to enjoy our small plane and helicopter rides to visit two glaciers, for we were told cancellation rates were 80 per cent due to inclement weather. Banal as it sounds, I prayed for good weather, and Jesus granted it. We were not disappointed, for the land sang out its beauteous nature wherever we went, echoing resoundingly the glory of God’s handiwork. Everything, and I mean everything, even the wildflowers were beautiful.

Again, knowing the desires of our heart, we were always within walking distance of a church to attend mass. The most amazing one was in Whittier, when the Holy Family Cathedral was diagonally across from our hotel so we could squeeze in morning mass before we caught our motorcoach to the port. Best of all, we visited two cathedrals that Saint Pope John Paul II visited. This has become part of our holiday tradition for almost every country we visit, we have been able to follow his ‘trail’. I am an ardent JP2 admirer, if you didn’t know that.

The two months preceding this vacation have been brutal, so it was a blessing to be able to take time off to recharge. Travel can be fraught with setbacks and frustrations but ours went like a dream, no missed connections, no lost luggage, or being scammed by tourist traps. We were always safe, even when we walked in dodgy neighbourhoods seeking out comfort food. And I slept well, a much-needed sleep that has been denied for so long.

My biggest highlight from this vacation is how much my husband loves me and how much he cherishes me for he really set out to make my birthday this year extra-special. I felt very much renewed in our marriage, and very much affirmed as a woman and his wife. This is not due merely to the fact he treats me with an over-abundant love, but because he is truly a man who sees Jesus in everyone he meets, and treats people unfailingly with kindness, gentle respect, and generosity. His heart is set on the Lord and he never fails to honour the Father in everything that he does, even on vacation. As the Na’vi people greet each other in the Avatar movies, “I see you”, I could see P and all that he is, so clearly, and I really love what I see.

Finally, my biggest insight is this: my personal cross, which encompasses my vocation and my state of life, will not only win me the crown of eternal life after I die (I can only pray for His mercy in this endeavour), but, it is one I carry most willingly, for it not only speaks of sacrifice, hardship, and great demands; of hurt, loss, and pain; and of sometimes going where I do not desire to go; but it also speaks of impossibly beautiful moments and soul-gratifying, fulfilling experiences; of overflowing peace, joy and deep, bountiful love; and of many opportunities that can potentially lead to the making of me. I can only weep and give thanks in awe of my cross, and I thank God for vacations, and this particular one to Alaska.   

Love me differently

J asked me on our drive to school, “Grandma, is it you scold me because you don’t love me?” ‘If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t scold you but I promise I will be more gentle in future” was my response after I had explained at length why I “scolded” him for his own good (he had refused to take his meds for a runny nose), and I also explained how love can be demonstrated in many ways, and he just needed to be able to pick them out. 

I finished our conversation by hugging him and telling him I loved him bigger than the ocean or the sky. His check-in photo tells me he got it. His question really caught me off guard and gave me insight as to how I needed to proceed in the future, with more words of affirmation and gentleness.. 

Love is tricky, how we show love to others, and in how we receive and feel loved in return. This is made worse when we grow up, for as adults, we tend to hide our ever demanding and finicky needs, while children are more forthright and have much simpler needs. 

 

On my drive home after that drop off, it hit me that my husband had just given me a huge ILY the evening before. He had skipped an evening lecture to take me out to dinner instead. While I had enjoyed our evening together, I did not fully recognize his sensitive support until the morning after. I am going through quite a challenging time now, and this was his TLC towards me. This wow moment made me realize how easily I could have missed this precious insight, and that this is how he loves me, quietly, yet so powerfully.

I am humbled and now filled with new resolve to recognize and acknowledge all the different ways love comes to me, through others, instead of rebuffing what I deem as insufficient, imperfect or unwanted. To simply say: thank you with sincere gratitude, thank you for thinking of me, thank you for making the effort to show love to me, thank you for being the you who loves me.

Last, but not least, thank you, Lord, for loving me through those around me. May I respond as happily as J did to me.

Living the Easter story in chaos

If I were to share how my Holy Week and Easter octave has gone, it would sound like a litany of things that went wrong just because they could. 

I already acknowledged how Lent was for me a season of being open to the Spirit and getting involved in life, not so much a time of inner reflection and me time with Jesus, but more a time of meeting Jesus in all those around me, who asked me, as He did the woman at the well: Give me a drink of water.

Back to Holy Week, and more so this past week, it seems as though God has answered my constant prayer for humility, trust, faith and obedience in spades. So many situations happening all at once that required me to exercise wisdom and compassion by processing negative emotions at a snap before acting (not something a high feeler like myself excels at). So many cries for help that assault my ability to practise healthy boundaries and strike the balance between giving and receiving.

I have already been feeling overwhelmed lately, but none more so than yesterday when my mother suffered a hip fracture requiring surgery. Too much back story here that I will not delve into, which is not what this post is about anyway. 

In all the messiness and chaos of life, how do I experience the Resurrected Lord in new ways, ways that would mean my faith has grown, and I am a better Christian despite it all?  How can I honour Him with obedience by allowing Him to take control of all the situations that I cannot? I would have to say that while I cannot purport to have many experiences of great joy this Easter, I do hold His peace in my heart all the time. I know He has been there all along, walking with me, as He did the disciples at Emmaus. And I recognize all the miracles He has effected thus far, and am most grateful for them all. I can give wholehearted thanks to the One who loves me so tenderly, which is very important to me.

I can also see I have been able to let go more easily, not to cling to my ideas of love, as Mary Magdalene did when she first encountered Jesus at the tomb, post-Crucifixion. Let go and go with the flow, for Jesus is in control. This has helped me to be more patient, more forgiving, and most of all, to be able to empathize and be kind and gentle with those whom I love. I have also been able to live in the moment and cherish those sacred moments as and when they present themselves. I see a lot of grace in this gift I have been given by Jesus.

I come back to reflection I did for a day of prayer and fasting I did for Lent, for the forgiveness of others, which I would like to share here. First, two passages of Scripture spoke to me:

1. Luke 7:47 - I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.”
2. Matthew 11:28-30 - “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

“Unforgiveness” is a kind of hardness of heart, a burden, that all of us carry in some form or another. Two things came to me as I was praying: 

One, in order for us to forgive others, we need to experience the forgiveness of God in a very real way, like the woman in Luke’s gospel (see above) who was able to first recognize the depth of her sins, and was courageous enough to approach the Lord; and humble enough to place her sins at the Lord’s feet with real sorrowful repentance in her heart. Thus, she was able to show great love, unlike the unforgiving servant in Matthew chapter 18.

Two, we need to let go of the heavy burdens of “unforgiveness” that weigh our hearts, and instead carry the Lord’s yoke, which is to be able to see things from His perspective and to be able to say: Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Only when we can see with the eyes of mercy, God’s mercy, can we find rest for our souls and be able to forgive not just others, but ourselves as well. 

As missionary disciples, forgiveness of others is so fundamental to how we actively live out our faith, so we need to renew our own efforts in exercising this in all our relationships, foremost within our families, marriages, and communities, and the wider social networks of our lives.

This reflection is one I hope I live out in concrete terms as I rise to face the new day of the Easter story in my life.

A love song

So I borrowed riffs from various songs (with a few choice phrases from the Bible) to write this love song to my lover, my best bud, my consolation in times of sorrow, my husband. See if you can pick them out.

It's been seven years and five days now*

Since we first met that sunny afternoon 

I can see your face then and feel your sincerity

Your desire to share your life, impress me.

I did a silly woman thing and thought to myself

Can he actually be THE one, it's true.

So glad time has proven that to me

What a gem you are, a priceless pearl!

I wake up grateful that we are married

That you are the one I get to samba through life with, so nice**

Every day I love you just a little bit more ***

It's a lifestyle, a feeling, my best decision in life

Thank you, Lord, for saving the best for last

Allowing me to cherish the love, every moment, our life together. ****

* Nothing compares to you

** Summer samba/So nice  

*** 每天爱你多一些

**** Cherish

The day you left

Thinking of you 

Remembering the laughter

and the day you left

Much too sudden

A shock I don't think

I will ever get over 

Love you, miss you

Want you here

Today and every day

Making the season count

Last month, I attended the wake of R who passed away on the 15^th, after a three-month fight with lung cancer at age 72. He was the owner of Wah Yuen Porridge at the hawker centre near my mother’s place and I used to eat there regularly and frequently for I loved his congee, and in the earlier days, the raw fish slices that were soooo slippery cool delicious. He and his wife, S, are one of the sweetest couples I know, such good people who were unfailingly polite and friendly.

Although I didn’t know him very well, and in latter years have not been going there for they only worked weekends, I truly felt sad when I heard the news. He will be sorely missed for his goodness really shone through - every encounter with him was a pleasant one. And, his congee was, oh, so soul-satisfyingly good.

His wife, S, shared that he regretted not retiring earlier for he worked right up to the time he went into hospital. They had planned a family vacation this June that he was looking forward to with great anticipation, but, as S shared, while his new passport will not be used, his recent baptism will be his passport to heaven.

R, and his wife, S, are truly what I would call salt of the earth, people who brought flavour to the world, not just for what they served in their food stall, but by who they were/are, hard-working, genuine, honest and downright nice. If only I would be missed half as much at my own death, as he now is, I would be more than satisfied. Even though he was only baptized recently, I would say he was a man who espoused Christian values his entire life, and the gift of baptism was the cherry on top of the cake of his life – for it brought him so much peace and comfort in his last days. According to S, he carried a cross with him wherever he was in the hospital.

His passing is a reminder to me to be a little more uplifting and encouraging to people around me for I think I fail quite often when I allow stress and my lack-of-sleep grouchiness make me impatient and terse with others. One can only use such excuses for bad behaviour no more than a couple of times, before it becomes an unwelcome permanent feature, a character flaw. As I am perpetually tired, I have to be more aware of how my sub-par physical state can lead me to sin.

It is much like the gospel passage, a couple of weeks back, on the temptation of Christ in the desert after his 40-day fast. Despite his hunger, Jesus could see where the devil was going with each temptation and was able to draw on His own stores of wisdom and inner strength to reject each offer that may have seemed appealing. While I may not be as adept as Jesus to dismiss temptations out of hand so quickly, if I stay as close as He did to the Father, then I hope that I will always be led by the Spirit, and thus be able to moderate my own inclinations and tendencies to sin: to be tempted less and less, and to have the moral strength to say no when I am tempted. 

I quite like what this saying that has been floating around the Internet recently suggests:

Patience with family is love.

Patience with others is respect.

Patience with self is confidence, and

patience with God is faith. 

Loving others who may trigger me means I guard my tongue and forgive them any number of imagined and imaginable slights, knowing that they acted innocently, if not judiciously. I keep a diplomatic cool at all times and give the other the space and affirmation to be and become. Whether or not I am wrong, I can humble myself and be the first to proffer an olive branch or pour oil on troubled waters. I do not let my mood or feelings dictate my words and actions – no one should be my dumping ground.

Loving myself means not being so hard on myself (I am a good person, albeit grouchy and disorganized at times), but at the same time, neither do I let myself grow slack in my habits. I maintain a spiritual discipline, connecting with the Lord frequently through the day, and through prayer, a plan of life, that nourishes my spirit continually, and centres me emotionally, no matter what happens.

I also look after my physical self, setting aside time for self-care; I exercise, eat and sleep properly. If I make the effort to maintain health in every way, and exercise patience through the ever-changing, oft-time tedious processes, I win. I have energy to do what I set out to do on a daily basis. I have a better handle on my life. I feel good about myself. I have confidence in my own judgements and my ability to make wise decisions in life. I crash and burn less frequently.  

Most of all, my faith in God is a living thing, that I have to nurture every single day with gratitude, worship and virtue. I cannot take Him for granted. If I sow good seeds and look after them well, then I will reap good fruit, if not now, then in heaven. The continuum of eternal life spurs me on to make every second on this earth count and create more good ones than bad ones.  

Lent is a great time to take stock of where I am in my faith life, and to re-calibrate my bearings and restart good habits, discarding bad ones. I am grateful for this season, the mindfulness it brings to my days. I continue to pray for R and his family in their time of loss, and I would like to draw on his example and be slightly more hospitable than I am inclined to be to those around me. I will live in the joy of the Lenten season, fasting from impatience, negativity, gossip, perfectionism and vanity.