Covenant and blessing

Baby bro and I were chatting and he doesn't believe in marriage, hardly surprising for it is a belief shared by more and more people the world over.

Living together seems to be the simpler and more sincere option given how many marriages end in divorce.

While I have always believed in the sanctity of marital vows, I do question if it's worth the effort to try and find someone, given the disposable mind-set of most people today.

Plus, is it possible to find someone who takes commitment seriously and sees it as freedom-giving, rather than freedom-constricting?

Someone who sees that men and women are created for union - a permanent union where vows are exchanged to seal the relationship in a special way that speaks of undying, unconditional love, the commitment of fidelity and the blessing of fruitfulness.

The marital covenant is still something men and women seek (if we are truly honest with each other) for we all want a special someone who will love us and be there for us through good and bad times.

Living together does not cut it even though it may look attractive, for there is always the unspoken rule that either party could walk, and without the formality of a covenant, there is less push to make it work when things go south (which they will for there will be peaks and troughs in any relationship).

The marital covenant is there to remind us to become better people, to not be quitters in life. It also requires work which is the sticking point for most couples today who want all of the pleasure and none of the pain. Or who walk into marriage with unrealistic and selfish expectations.

As both baby bro and I have been in relationships where we thought we had found The One only to be disappointed, both he and I are battle-scarred cautious when it comes to love, and not a little cynical.

Are there any good men, or good women left in the world?

I have begun to view singlehood as my penultimate state of life for I am comfortable and fulfilled where I am and I view “relationships” are a dark, cold chasm I am unwilling to venture down even though deep within my heart there is a place where the marriage light shines feebly.

The risk of getting my heart broken again just seems unattractive and most unwise.

Last night we were discussing Abraham and I have always thought he was the model of faithfulness until Jeff Cavins* pointed out instances where even Abraham showed that he did not completely trust God.

Abraham had his own insurance policies in the form of Lot and Hagar for he could not quite believe the blessings of fruitfulness God wished to bestow on him.

In many ways I am like Abraham, I cannot quite believe the blessings that are mine and I do not act in ways that would demonstrate I am indeed open to the blessings.

To walk by faith is an unending series of actions that require conscious thought and effort and there are days where I'd rather coast or backslide. Mediocrity and complacency are my insurance policies (sadly enough).

My one hope is that like Abraham I may stumble, but I will also keep growing in faith to the point where I trust completely that He will provide and be willing to be open to God in all areas of my life whether it be love life or vocation.

Life is indeed an adventure with many twists and turns but how I advance is up to me. I can keep going back to the start, as Abraham did initially, or I can finally let go and let God and journey towards claiming my blessing.

Hopefully I get there sooner than Abraham did.

* I am doing Jeff Cavins' The Bible Timeline which is a wonderful way to get acquainted with the Bible.

Multiplication miracle

J and N got married yesterday and it was a beautiful and unique wedding. Both bride and groom stamped their personalities on the celebration and it was irrepressibly joyous and a gorgeous image of God's love in the couple's very human quirkiness.

One thing that really stood out for me was how central God was in their lives and therefore every part of the wedding ceremony was special: they had a network of like-minded friends and relatives who volunteered their services to bring the wedding mass to life – from the witnessing priest down to the altar boys, no one who participated in the mass was a stranger.

It was a true community effort. The Gospel reading they chose was the theme of their journey that finally culminated in yesterday's nuptial celebration: the miracle of five loaves and two fishes.

God has truly been a God of surprises in their relationship and it’s been a joy for me to witness the delightful surprises He has sprung on them along the way, mainly because they have both surrendered their relationship to Him.

Father David in his homily spoke of how significant decisions like the decision to marry are bigger than all of us (even if we think that decisions that we make are a private matter between God and us) for we are all connected in some way, chiefly we all have the same Maker and He has created us for one purpose only: “God himself is an eternal exchange of love, Father Son, and Holy Spirit, and he has destined us to share in that exchange.” (CCC221*)  

We are invited to participate in God’s ultimate plan of love and marriage is one of the ways we can flesh out this invitation on earth.

For J and N, yesterday marks the first day of that plan as they become for the other the means by which they get to heaven as they bless each other with their committed and sustained fidelity and sanctify each other with a love that is naked without shame. 

I recently remarked to my cousin that I did not know what plans God had for me for He has recently revealed possibilities that were pretty disparate. Despite my human need for clarity, I know that I must be open to surprise, that is, like J and N, be open to God’s direction in my life and to also be open to His timeframe.

Father Arro today commented that if we do not let God’s Word germinate in us, watering it with silence and a listening heart, then we will not be able to see the blossoms of surprises that God has in store for us.

We will constantly miss the opportunities to see the multiplication of loaves and fishes in our own lives if we do not let go of our own fears, wounds and distorted perceptions; and if we persist in tunnel vision or a mindset that eschews change.

We will turn our back on miracles that “will prosper” (Jeremiah 29:11) us.

My sincere wish for J and N is that they will continue to experience much joy in being gift to each other and that they will witness as many miracles of grace that God chooses to bestow on them.

As for myself, I will continue to "groan inwardly"(Romans 8:22-23) with my need to cultivate humility and patience, and hope that I will see the miracle of multiplication in my life no matter what happens.

*Catechism of the Catholic Church

Gratitude and forgiveness

A was sharing with me when we met for breakfast a passage she really liked from Martin Seligman's book Authentic Happiness which talks about gratitude and forgiveness as being important in the search for happiness.

And just yesterday, Brother Terence was commenting on the wide disparity between the number of petitions compared to the number of thanksgiving prayers reported at each novena.

It was a timely reminder for me as I have had to exercise forgiveness in a number of situations this last week. I have also experienced many things to be grateful for and there were times I was not suitably thankful (the bane of being a highly critical person).

It isn't easy to work with people who are vastly different in outlook, temperament and motivation. I get impatient when people don't seem to be on the same page as I am (which is naturally the right page), and I have to remind myself we are on the same team, especially when I get irritated by something silly someone said.

But people like these are easy to forgive, it's those whom I love that are harder to forgive when they hurt me and make me angry, sad or disappointed.

Love complicates things. Because not only do we have to contend with how a loved one's actions made us feel, we also have to grapple with our own reactive emotions about ourselves.

When we are exposed as foolish or gullible in how we choose to love, forgiving someone who is mean or nasty to us is not easy for we sometimes cannot forgive our own foolishness.

Only fools get taken in twice or choose to persist in loving someone who is hurtful and hateful.

Even the wisdom of knowing I am doing the right thing does not make me feel better.

Forgiveness is a choice I have to consciously make, again and again, despite the maelstrom of negative emotions within me - this is possible only if I am humble enough to realize I cannot do it on my own and must rely on God's grace. 

Perhaps today's Gospel says it all, to have a child's wholehearted acceptance of Jesus' invitation to rest in Him, to learn to be gentle and humble of heart as He is, that is the way to find rest for my soul. (Matthew 11:25-30)

Rather than focus on the hurts I have received, I will lay my hurts, my burdens at His feet and allow Him to teach me how to let them go, and let Him transform me (not others who need to change their ways).

And rather than judge the imperfect situations, the less-than-ideal relationships and the ways I fall short despite my desire to be good, I will focus on being grateful for where I am right now, for all the love and graces I have received thus far.

I thus, give thanks, and sing praise, in the words of Isaiah*.

I will greatly rejoice in the LORD,
my whole being shall exult in my God;
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation,
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland,
ad as a bride adorns herself with jewels.
For as the earth brings forth its shoots,
and as a garden causes what is sown in it to spring up,

May my heart always be fertile ground for the Lord's wisdom and compassion so that I can find a real and lasting happiness in spite of life's follies and caprices.

* Isaiah 61:10-11

A perfect boost

I just came back from the Philippines after spending five incredible days there. Thanks to Noah's Ark, the distributor for Christopher West's TOB books and DVDs in Asia, I was able to attend Chris West's Freedom to Love Conference on June 25th.

In person, CW was larger than life - a charismatic and passionate champion of JPII's divine-inspired wisdom. It was totally awesome! I was blown away.

On top of this opportunity to see CW live, I got to spend a day with my cousin E and the ICPE community in Tagaytay. Despite the tropical storm Falcon, my time there was like a slice of E's tiramisu birthday cake (J you are a patissier extraordinaire):

An evocative complexity of bittersweet, creamy richness with the aromatic, stimulating zing of black coffee and the unctuous chilled buzz of alcohol. What an absolute treat!

I don't get to see E much and I always treasure the moments I get with her. Love you mega much, coz and thanks for showing me such a good time.

As if all this wasn't enough, I got to eat all the yummy Filipino cuisine I love: dinuguan, sisig, pancit palabok, crispy pata, lechon, sinigang, balut, halo2, ensaymadas... and hang with my girls C and D to do what every true blue Singaporean loves to do, SHOP.

This trip has got to be the best pre-birthday present ever for it was spiritually edifying, emotionally uplifting and intellectually stimulating, not forgetting physically satisfying (although my arteries would not concur).

I am grateful on so many levels and raring to go on the next leg of my journey for I feel the winds of change coming, which is scary exhilarating.

One of my key takeaways from the conference is the timely reminder of the difference between perfectionism and perfection for my perfectionistic tendencies can be a real drawback.

Perfectionism, according to CW, is the erroneous belief that God will not love me until I am perfect and I need to earn God's love. Consequently, no one will love me if I am not perfect.

Seeing as I am never going to be perfect in this lifetime, I might as well give up and slink off in despair. This line of thinking is really killing and it causes me to idle in inaction indefinitely.

The other danger to perfectionism is when I seek to be good, I sometimes get hung up on the rules and forget that it's the spirit of the law that matters and that a gift of love should always be given with a willing, loving heart. I become a grim and self-righteous Christian - most unattractive.

"To be perfect as our Father is perfect" means that I should not put my standards of love onto God but rather I should adopt His perfect ways.

Jesus loves me right here and now. I don't have to do anything to earn His love. Instead I just have to be is open to His love in my sinful state and in so doing, I will feel compelled to love Him; then, and only then, can I become a perfect gift of love.

For Jesus chose to enter into my sin to encounter me and He is with me every step of the way. He will never abandon me, my perfect bridegroom. I should be dancing in the streets from the joy and privilege of being His beloved bride.

And if I am able to celebrate His love for me, then I will be free to love. Perfectly.

Even if I am called to choices in the future that I deem difficult, I know that I am not alone and He will be my source of joy and comfort on the journey.

Nothing could be more perfect than that.

Interior superior

I was asked by N if I thought it was fine for her to befriend a married man whom she had gotten to know recently. I said no because from what she told me, he was attracted to her. Verboten.

N countered that all she wanted was someone to talk to for she had no friends and it wasn't romance she was after and maybe he was just a really nice guy who was not interested in her so wouldn't it be okay to be friends?

My only response to that was I wouldn't do it if I were you but it is your life and you must choose what you feel is best for you for what else can I say in the face of such determined rationalization?

N is lonely, I get it for I get lonely too, but I also know that the pain of walking away from something so appealing is definitely less catastrophic in the long run and will bring me inner peace, self-empowerment and even happiness.

Nothing is headier and  more ego-boosting then meeting a decent-looking, seemingly nice bloke who is into you and goes out of his way to be sweet to you.

Nothing is more desirable when one is single and could do with some attentive TLC but some relationships are just not meant to be and if we listened to our inner voice of reason we know that to be true.

Loneliness does not excuse foolishness or foolhardiness.

What's even worse if we first step down the slippery slope of compromise, we will skitter off the road of truth until we tumble into confusion and lose our way completely.

So what's a girl to do if her heart yearns for love? Stay close to the source. Go mystic. Get an interior life.

It is that simple. Truths often are simple, it's just that as human beings, we tend to complicate our lives when we are lured by the bright lights of temptation.

If you google interior life, Wikipedia will tell you it's a life that seeks God in everything; you have a prayer life that is transformational because it is personal.

Getting to know Jesus up close and personal has truly been the most life-changing relationship in my life for it has allowed me to seek the way that has led to truth and life.

Of course once I discovered the truth, I had to live it out in order to internalize it. Jesus was my guide but He also gave me freedom of choice every step of the journey for He knew that the call to follow Him is not an easy one.

It has involved unpleasant decisions at times, sacrifice and even loss. Purging my life of lies and deception meant following the rules, many I resented and did not understand but hoped that would somehow lead me further to the truth.

When things got tough, I would pray WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) and the Spirit would lead me to God-inspired action.

As I entered the state of purification which unfortunately is not a one-off deal but one which requires constant effort, I developed the spiritual muscle of virtue. I gained wisdom, hope, love, courage, humility and a faith that sought understanding and achieved it.

From the purgative to the illuminative, it was like coming out of a squall to calm seas. As I lived truth more and more in my life, I could feel the goodness of Trinitarian love resonating in my veins and it felt wonderful for I began to struggle less and less as I began to become unconsciously competent at being a sexually honest woman.

Blessed John Paul II wrote Values are lights that illuminate our existence and, as we work on our lives, they shine ever more brightly on the horizon.* The values-turned-virtues I had gained helped light my way and continue to do so.

I was, and am, finally privy to the secrets of freedom and happiness for from the purgative and illuminative ways, I entered the unitive way, "when the soul experiences a special union with God"*.

The more I find God in everything and learn "to commune with him in and through all things"*, the more I experience the "depth and breadth and height"** of the love He has for me and the more He is revealed to me as "Father, Redeemer, and Spouse"*.

When I am lonely, hurt, upset or fearful, I know all I need do is to go inside and turn to Him. He will blow gently a loving and healing breath on my badly scraped knee and make it all better. Every time.

He is my man for all seasons for no other man compares to Him.

* From John Paul II's book Memory and Identity, quoted in the Prologue of Christopher West's Heaven's Song

** Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet 43 How do I Love Thee

Celibacy conundrum

At last Friday's meeting, we talked about celibacy. The word celibacy tends to connote a sense of unwelcome austerity and impossibility.

Unwelcome austerity for the state of celibacy is defined as abstinence from sexual activity and is usually considered a joyless act of will to consciously refrain from doing something pleasurable.

Impossible because it is seen as something so unnatural that going against our human nature will cause us to explode. Well, maybe not explode, but certainly celibacy is not something viewed as easily attainable or remotely desirable.

Plus celibacy is often relegated to religious and priests, people of a higher moral order, not ordinary folk. It's just not doable or practical for us common people.

Guess what, JPII regards celibacy as the vocation of every man or woman who is single.

Even married folk don't get a free pass for if they wish to honour the language of their bodies, they would practise Natural Family Planning which asks for sexual abstinence during the fertile periods of a woman's cycle if the couple were not ready for children.

My immediate reaction to the Pope's statement is a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Quite the same reaction of some of the women in the group until we looked at it differently, as sexual purity and honesty.

If we agree that the language of the body is spousal, that is, the act of love is a profound act of total self-giving as an expression of committed and faithful love, then we would be true to our bodies if we refrain from having sex unless we were married.

If we also agree that lust is impersonal sexual desire, that is, a desire to use another person as an object (not recognizing the innate dignity of that person) or a means to an end (say sexual gratification), then we recognize that sexual lust is always unethical.

Even as a group of women of different ages, from diverse backgrounds and states of life, we all concurred we desired purity of heart. Unified as we are by our love for Jesus, we recognize that to be in living, ever-deepening and intimate relationship with Jesus is paramount to each of us.

The spousal meaning of the body is the call to love in a life-giving manner and this does not contradict celibacy but gives it a richer meaning.

All of us in W2W are beginning to experience a glimmer of understanding of this as we progress on our TOB journey.

Because we are first called to be in communion with God, we can express this desire in manifold ways: spending time alone with Him in prayer as Jesus did, receiving the transubstantiated host on our tongues and in our hearts, loving others by being a gift and leading others to Truth by living truth in every action.

Whether married or single, a personal relationship with God leads us to living out our sexuality fully with honesty, fidelity and purity. This does require chastity, even from those of us who are married for marriage is not an excuse to indulge in lust.

But it is not all grimaced stoicism or as impossible as pigs flying. It is only impossible because we fear sexual purity may sometimes keep us away from love or opportunities to receive love and to experience pleasure.

When we don't trust God enough to wait for love (like Adam and Eve) and we grasp for love out of loneliness or fear, that is when we lose the plot and make decisions that steer us away from being our true selves and from God. We allow our sexual desires to degrade into lust.

Celibacy does not mean we are not having fun. Far from it. Some of the most joyful and fun-loving people I know are those who truly claim celibacy as their vocation. They are fulfilled as people because they live rich interior lives and in turn are able to love others with delightful purity.

They have already experienced in part the joy reserved for heaven when we are in complete union with the Trinity and have opted to live out the vocation of celibacy for the Kingdom here today.

For the spousal meaning of the body is an invitation to be like the bride and bridegroom in the Song of Songs, who are in a state of holy inebriation where the "words, movements and gestures of the spouses, their whole behaviour, correspond to the inner movement of their hearts" which is a "pure flame of love".*

If we take up the invitation to offer our sexual desires (which are fully kosher and ethical) to God to direct, we can get drunk from drinking God's wine, the inner "truth and strength of love", so that "sexual desire passes over from lust to an immeasurable love" and this is how we can experience a "real and deep victory" over the distortion of lust.*

The opportunity to savour God's "new wine" (just like the Cana wedding miracle) is ours because "Christ came to restore creation to the purity of its origins (CCC, 1733). Fear is dispelled in the light of this pure love.

JP II says, "The Eucharist is a school of freedom and charity in order to fulfil the commandment to love" for the Eucharist "frees us from attachment in order to open ourselves to others".**

This is the gift of love from Christ, who loved us with a love that is:

FREE             He chose to give us His body and blood by dying for us.
TOTAL          He gives us His body, blood, soul and divinity every Sunday in the sacrament of
                       the Eucharist.
FAITHFUL    He is with us day and night, 24X7.
FRUITFUL    We all have eternal life.**

We can now experience the redemption of this immeasurable love in the gift of Christ's body and love immeasurably ourselves.

When ethics transforms into ethos, the difficult becomes easy. Bleak reality becomes joyously divine.

Celibacy is something prized and not looked upon with distaste and suspicion.

And so a slice of the Kingdom of Heaven has made its way onto earth.

Something we at W2W are discovering every day when we offer up our love and fidelity to Christ.


* From Christopher West's Heaven's Song, a great book on how JPII uses Song of Songs to expound on marital love.

** From chapter seven of the DVD, Theology of the Body For Teens

Lust violation

I had a nightmare just before waking up this morning. In my dream I was screaming at a man, someone I know, out of frustration and hate. I woke up asking myself why I felt so strongly about him?

In Matthew 5:28, Jesus says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

This is the crux of my response to this man for when he looks at me (in real life), his gaze wanders to rest at a spot lower than my throat. Whenever I notice this, I feel violated. I am not a body part! The gaze is inappropriate and causes a rise of negative emotions in me and makes me want to throw up.

There is nothing right or good about lust be it a furtive look or indulging openly in pornography.

And guys, we can tell when you look at a woman with appreciative disinterest or with lustful intent - in a glance. So please, please, look at every woman as you would look at your mother, your sister or your daughter, with deep respect, for she is someone's mother, sister and daughter and deserves better.  

As women, what can we do? Do we go around dressed in concealing bourkhas? Is that the solution? While we can never go back to JPII's original nakedness where we can be "naked without shame", we can dress with modesty and common sense.

There is nothing wrong with a woman who takes pains to look attractive or cultivate a charming personality for beauty is a feminine birthright.

But with that birthright comes a responsibility, to teach those around us, especially men, to treat us with respect.

This comes not only from the way we carry ourselves, but from the way we respect ourselves and our bodies in our choice of dress and behaviour.

Although we cannot never completely eradicate lust from our lives, we can make a stand against it by rejecting it in our lives, and teaching others to do the same.

Commitment issues

I just attended the wedding of a friend of mine V and his lovely wife M this morning and I thought the pastor gave a great homily on what a marriage must have in order to be successful.

It was a take on the original 5Cs, a cynical jab at Singaporeans' materialistic life aspirations: cash, car, condominium, credit card and country club membership. The pastor's 5Cs were:

Covenant
Christ
Communication
Compassion
Commitment

He introduced the last C, commitment, by saying that without commitment, marriage would not work even if it had the first four Cs and ended his homily by saying a successful marriage did not depend on finding the right partner but by being the right partner for the other.

Commitment is key for there will be days in any relationship when you grate on each other's nerves or even think maybe it's best you call it quits.

It will be commitment that will help a couple ride out the storms of their relationship when love is not enough. Or, for that matter, any situation that hits a setback, be it studies or career.

Father David calls the family the school of humanity for it is in our families that we first learn how to be a person. To learn about and acquire virtues like patience, forgiveness, compassion, fidelity, kindness, generosity... all the things that make us good - a person.

Families are forever, that is, we cannot disown our family members for our relationships will always remain historical fact.

My father used to tell us (me and my siblings) that we must always love each other for the four of us are manifestations of the love between him and my mother and that we all share a special and unique bond that must be honoured.

Family to Dad meant everything. Family meant accepting each other for who we are and loving each other through our differences with fierce, unwavering loyalty and unending generosity. Family disunity is not an option for love is everything, family is everything.

The building blocks of every family begin with a couple, a man and a woman who live out their wedding vows by promising to be together, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish...until death do they part.

With divorce rates at a ridiculous 50 per cent and the sharp decline of formalized marriages, there
seems to be a crisis of commitment.

John Paul II rightly concluded that At the root of these negative phenomena there frequently lies a corruption of the idea and the experience of freedom...*

When we see freedom (and happiness) as represented by more choices in life, rather than the ability to conquer life's "limitations" and adversities, then we will give up when the going is tough, never even giving the situation a fighting chance to transform, to find a new equilibrium and eventual happiness.

My friend J who lives in Canada tells me she feels like an anomaly for her marriage is her first and her husband's second. Among his friends their marriage is unusual for most of them are on their third, or fourth...

If couples don't stay married and try to work out their differences, what makes them think their next marriage will succeed when all they are good at is wimping out?

If couples don't honour their relationships with fidelity (all in the name of "sexual freedom") and the sincere gift of love, then how can any relationship they are in work?

Commitment is not easy. But then, when is anything worth having in life easy?

Our achievements are all the more valued because we worked hard to get them. The same goes for relationships, especially marriage.

So V and M, keep your eye on the pastor's 5Cs and you will be committed for life with a love in TOB-speak that is free, total, faithful and fruitful.

* Familiaris Consortio, 6

The still point

Just this week I encountered two references to a line from T.S. Eliot's Burnt Norton*: "At the still point of the turning world" and it got me thinking.

It was Father John Paul who first brought it up during our day of recollection Sunday past, in response to a question from the group if we began each meeting by breaking the Word, would that not drag on our church meetings even more interminably?

He reminded us that we (the group) were all here because of God. If we never lost sight of that every time we met, and we invited Jesus into the homes of our hearts before we began a meeting on practicalities and logistics, then things would move along smoothly and quickly. Thus we need to come to the still point in order to move forward at an inspired pace.

The second reference came from a source book in a section on symbols, namely mandalas. Mandala is a Sanskrit word which means circle and represents wholeness and organic oneness. In Christian symbolism the Eucharist can be seen as a mandala with Christ as the source of life.

Labyrinths are a form of mandalas.

Both references are a reminder that the still point is to come back to the source and centre of our beings by stepping outside of our time to be with God.

Ancient Greeks had two words for time: chronos which refers to chronological time, and kairos which refers to the right, opportune or supreme moment where something special happens. The something special Christians see as "the appointed time in the purpose of God".

I see the still point as a kairos opportunity, an opportunity to have a moment of grace, of greatness in the context of a normal day.

And I am reminded of the value of the still point...

...to hear the music and go to where "the dance is".

* http://www.tristan.icom43.net/quartets/norton.html 

Sexually honest

Father David said something recently that I found really profound: moral truths are something we discover and not something that we learn or decide.

Conversely, I have found that in deciding to live out moral truths, even ones I grapple with at times, I have discovered a lot about these truths (how true they really are) in the process.

When what is learnt in the classroom* and what is actively applied in life dovetail, it makes for heady validation and feels super-good.

We've been talking about sex, always a fascinating subject.

In the movie Vanilla Sky, Julie says, "Don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not!"

Whether we realize it or not, our bodies have a natural language (like how the blind do not need to be taught to smile) and one that cannot be separate from our beings, i.e. there is an integrated unity of both mind and body.

Just as we allow only a trusted few into the intimacy of our lives, revealing our inner selves and vulnerabilities to these people whom we love and love us in return, our bodies speak the same intimate language with our genitals.

The promise Julie is talking about when two people engage in sexual intercourse is one of deep intimacy that comes from a committed, lasting, faithful, nurturing, giving and loving relationship.

For the sexual language speaks our most intimate and personal communication and our bodies must never be used as an object to other ends (like pleasure) as this violates the intimate language of the body.

You may think casual sex is fine especially if it makes you happy and doesn't harm anyone, but you would be violating this sexual language of the body for there is nothing remotely casual about sex.

Because sexual gratification is so intensely pleasurable, sexual honesty, which comes from understanding the sexual language of the body and honouring it, is tough. Sexual abstinence in the absence of marriage is a hard truth to swallow.

Not many of us want to recognize or accept that the sexual language of the body is personal to the point of being spousal as it communicates this intimate message:

I accept the "deep total you" unconditionally and I give you my "deep total me" unconditionally.

The current culture of sexual freedom has ironically led us to believe that chastity or the absence of sexual activity in one's life is undesirable, even abnormal, and that sexual gratification can only be achieved by genital gratification.

However, sexual gratification is so much more than genital gratification if we allow ourselves to live beyond the "o" word. Instead, most of us whittle down our chances to be sexually satisfied by ascribing to such a narrow definition of sexual gratification.

Orgasms, while wonderful, are not the be all and end all of sexual gratification. Every man or woman who lives out his or her sexuality fully by being who they are meant to be and doing what they are meant to do are sexually vibrant and happy individuals.

And while I don't profess to have experienced ecstasy in the way mystics like Saint Teresa of Avila did, the sense of deep union with God in meditative prayer elicits such visceral pleasure that it is even better than sex for the deep glow of joy and inner peace it brings lasts way beyond the ever-too-brief orgasm.

But popular culture would have us believe otherwise. Every day we are inundated with messages such as if you are not having sex regularly, you MUST BE sexually starved and not living life to the fullest or exercising your right to happiness, poor you.

To be single is a curse for you are doomed to a lonely existence. You can't possibly be happy single...and celibate (even worse!). Total loser.

Yes, we all need love, we all want to be loved, but the lengths some of us go to to get "love" is counter to the nature of love, especially when we mix up love and lust. It can get muddy, messy and is not exactly morally or spiritually uplifting.

A one-night stand or casual sex is not love. Paid sex is not love. Adultery can never be love. These are all poor facsimiles of love we grab at in our quest for authentic love and happiness that so quickly degrades into a self-indulgent, selfish hunt to satisfy lust or impersonal, sexual desire.

Consuming pornography, masturbation and sexual crimes are the twisted offspring of such attempts at love for there is nothing personal or giving about these acts. They are mainly destructive (even harmless masturbation for it restricts true freedom and self-possession) and are often addictive.

A quick sweep through the newspapers yields just too many stories of lust gone wrong: destroyed families, careers down the toilet, crimes of passion, suicides and even murder.

Perhaps it's time for the discipline of sexual honesty?

It may not be easy, faced as we are with temptation at every turn, but it is worth it. Hugely gratifying even.

But don't take my word for it, discover for yourself why being sexually honest can be a really good thing personally.

* I am attending a year-long course on moral theology by Fr. David Garcia called Personal Compass, Navigating Your Way Through Moral Ambiguity that is absolutely brilliant. Check it out:   http://catholicspi.org/downloads/PCcourseguide.pdf

Identity

I am the branches of the living vine
Bearing buds, flowers and fruit
Of Truth, Goodness and Beauty.
By cultivating virtues beyond
The cardinal and the theological,
And living out the beatitudes
Especially of purity and mercy.
I am the lover of Christ
He is the rock on whom my being rests
Without Him, I am nothing.
For I am made in His image and likeness.
Through my mind, body and spirit,
I express my hopes, dreams and desires
Bringing to life all He has planted in me.
I am the gift of love, His priceless pearl,
A woman very good
For I am weak and He is strong.
Feminine receptivity is my genius.
I am His channel of grace because
Totus tuus, His will is mine, every day.

Undeserving but blessed, I am grateful to be chosen.

Dedicated to the memory of Blessed John Paul II

Great awakening

I sometimes marvel at my own stupidity: despite knowing what is the wise thing to do but not doing it and paying the price for my sheer mulishness.

I am talking about sleep, or the lack thereof that I have been suffering from this past months.

Admittedly my body's hormonal changes leave me sometimes singularly unrested, but for most of the time, it is my own fault that I do not get sufficient sleep.

The caprices of youth are no longer mine to exercise for nowadays lack of sleep translates into eye bags and dark circles, alarming lymphatic blockages under my skin (that thanks to S. I can now detect), a dullness of mind, an apathetic lassitude and my worst enemy, a stiff body that no amount of muscle release work can cure.

It took the holiday of Labour Day to make me realize how much my debilitated physical state is tied directly to my sleep quotient.

I fell victim to a cold yesterday which worsened considerably in the evening and sought refuge in sleeping early.

After almost ten hours of sleep, I woke up feeling much better, no more sneezing fits and tap-runny nose. Best of all, my incredibly stiff spine feels a suppleness that has been absent for some weeks now and the fogginess of my brain has lifted a little. Duh!

We spoke about identity yesterday for knowledge of self is crucial in deciphering the meaning of life and knowing what one's vocation is, and hopefully finding happiness in the process.

In dealing with self-knowledge, it's important to identify what are the obstacles to self-awareness and the blockages that bring about distortions and blind spots to one's view of self and the world.

So it has been with fascinated incredulity that I have been sneaking peeks of True Beauty, a reality TV show that is now running on cable; a greater lack of self-awareness cannot be displayed elsewhere as the contestants duke it out to win what they think is a contest on looking good externally when they are actually judged on inner beauty.

"I am a good person, I deserve to be here!" A common statement that spews forth from the quivering, indignant lips of a selfish and self-absorbed individual who has just been booted. Get real!

Most of the contestants display an ugliness of spirit that reveals a misguided life goal of seeking to be happy first instead of seeking to be good, as opposed to the ancients' wisdom of goodness preceding authentic happiness.

I may be on the right path of seeking goodness but in many ways I am as clueless as these "beautiful people" for I have hit a massive road block in my journey that prevents me from progressing to the next level.

And this block has to do with sleep, or, to wit, my time management skills. I am using my physical exhaustion as an excuse for not living up to my fullest potential but to meander in the shallows of the meanness of the spirit and the smallness of the soul.

I have been wasting countless hours engaged in predominantly worthless enterprise rather than getting adequate sleep, being organized, studying for my Pilates exam and cultivating the discipline of writing.

This fear of achieving milestones that will propel me forward to face bigger mountains is making me dig my heels in and stay put, in comfortable and deadly inaction.

I am the Bible's "rich young man" who is good but unwilling to be my best. I am unable to let go of my possessions of fear, faint-heartedness, timidity, low self-esteem and lack of self-worth to take a step closer towards entering the Kingdom of Heaven.

Perhaps I exaggerate my situation for I have begun to do something constructive about my current state these last weeks. (It is Easter and I have been striving to live this liturgical season well.)

But today has been a day of affirmation for me, of startling realization that I have within me the power to break this inertia and regain health holistically. It need not be such a baffling struggle.

I am encouraged to take bigger and bolder steps forward; to fulfill the promises of the covenant God shared with me last year.

This year can still be a year of greatness, especially if I choose sleep and more affirmative action.

Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care.
The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath,
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,
Chief nourisher in life's feast.                                     - from Shakespeare's Macbeth

Magnanimous aspirations

We live in eventful times. Amid natural disasters of earthquakes, tsunamis, tornadoes, floods; and man-induced waves of fighting and terrorism that swamp the world, it would seem that the end of the world doomsayers have been proclaiming for years is truly here.

And yet, in the space of a week, we have also witnessed a salute to love and hope in the matrimonial union of Prince William and his bride Catherine last Friday, and in the beatification ceremony of Pope John Paul II yesterday.

The W2W Ministry spent the weekend celebrating the life of Blessed JPII whose writings we are currently studying by watching Karol: A Man Who Became Pope.

JPII who lived through WW2 and the subsequent Soviet occupation of Poland witnessed first-hand the worst of atrocities that humanity can commit against itself and yet was able to grasp, retain and promulgate the truth of human existence: that we are created to love and to be loved.

Firstly, in living and loving relationship with God, and secondly, in harmonious relationships with others.

He did not believe in fighting terror and violence with anger and hatred, righteous and justified as it may be, but rather through non-violent ways.

With the report of Osama bin Laden's death in the news this morning, it would be interesting to see if this "eye for an eye" solution to terror will bring resolution of sorts or will there continue to be a perpetuation of violence as others take up Osama bin Laden's cause and place.

The taking of life can never be justified, a fundamental universal principle that governs human life. Just as justice is another universal principle, but one that has to be tempered with mercy.

We must seek a justice that Blessed John Paul II endeavoured to promote, one that is found in the Beatitudes, one that is patient, gentle, forgiving, understanding, finds its strength in peace-loving, and goes beyond the current legalistic interpretation.

Some may say this is foolish thinking but has the current popular modus operandi of killing despots and terrorists brought more peace in the world, or merely more collateral damage to innocent lives and a vendetta-like dynamic played out in the long-standing Middle East conflict?

There is much wrong in the world, much to be angry about and much to fear and much we need to change and yet, the agents of change cannot be fear, or hatred which is the child of fear.

I do not pretend to have answers to the rampant problem of terrorism and how to deal with it but I do know that we can all make a stand with our lives, by refusing to give in to fear and to persevere in seeking the good of all humanity.

In my last module on virtues, Father David said that living life to the fullest is a balance between preserving life and becoming a moral paralytic, and because fear is the most powerful emotion that escapes even the conscious control of the will, we must seek to integrate our fears by cultivating the virtue of fortitude or courage.

As Burmese political detainee of 15 years Aung San Suu Kyi said, "For me real freedom is freedom from fear and unless you can live free from fear, you cannot live a dignified life".

She exemplifies a quiet firmness of spirit and strength of character that serves as my inspiration as she seeks to right wrongs by taking a stand that eschews violence.

In Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Caesar says this in response to his wife's prescient foreboding of his death:

Cowards die many times before their deaths,
The valiant never taste of death but once.

Such great fear, as the fear of death, can only be overcome if we die to self (our fears, needs and desires) and live in Christ.

I believe that Blessed John Paul II displayed this magnanimity, this greatness of soul by displaying a singleness of mind to be the compleat servant of God: all his actions dictated by the will of God which he was well acquainted with because of his rich prayer life.

His was a holiness found in the solitude of prayer sought diligently and constantly. A living, breathing and loving relationship with his maker.

And he was the definitive priest - a man for others, in his ceaseless brokering of peace in the world, his great love of people, especially youth, and his tireless efforts to initiate dialogue with other religious leaders by displaying great humility and sensitivity.

Mired as I am in my own petty fears, I am glad that I have a great role model like Blessed JPII to rise above mediocrity and to seek to live up to my potential on a daily basis without giving in to fear or demoralizing hopelessness.

And perhaps in my own small and unique way make the world a better place.

NB: The word magnanimous comes from Latin roots and means greatness of mind and heart. It is a virtue that allows the possessor to engage in noble acts and great enterprise without fear and to display a generosity that leaves no room for pettiness.

Choosing Easter

C. has been going through a really rough patch at work recently. She is not alone for a number of my girlfriends have been weathering bad situations, some longer than others.

As Father Arro pointed out today, it may seem like the end of the road when we are faced with crisis, but Easter reminds us that these tough situations may signal new life - unexpected, unplanned for, but not always unwelcome as time will bear out.

We just need to keep on believing, not give in to despair, trust in providence while we work to right the situation with cautious prudence, and by conquering the fear of the unknown that gets the best of even the bravest among us.

The reminder of Easter is powerful for we all need symbols to hold onto and buoy us over stormy seas.

There will always be seasons of loss, persecution, chaos and things bad, but what could possibly be worse than knowing what Jesus knew, and yet choosing to go through it, loving to His dying breath.

Betrayed. Feared, hated and persecuted. Let down by His closest companions. Scourged, ridiculed and crucified. All this the price for loving an undeserving, fickle and faithless world.

And because of that tenacious, fearless love, all is not lost. For only through death could the miracle of the resurrection happen. Redemption.

It's pure magic. Let's not forget this as we move into the octave of Easter. Celebrate!

In darkest night, in deepest grief, you cameAnd turned my world around just when I thought
It crashed, never again to be the same.
All along you never gave up and sought
To win my heart with your gentle wisdom,
Showed me how to live in your Father's kingdom.
And now, the meaning of resurrection
Is etched deep inside, pure revelation.
My problem really is how do I stay true?
Especially when storms threaten to destroy
My composure, beating me black and blue.
Will I remember this moment, this joy?
Choose to honour your sacrifice each time
Make Easter mine; turn the bad on a dime.

Perfect placement

I met my friend Linguini for dinner last night after which we went for a walk at the Botanics. It was a flawless end to the day.

Lazy stream-of-consciousness chatting as we strolled, taking in the sights, smells and sounds of the balmy night.

I was charmed by the stark, monochromatic beauty of trees and shrubs silhouetted against the night skies.

One of the topics that came up was perfection: how we defined it and how we felt about it i.e. whether we felt we could be perfect or if we deserved a perfect life.

While there can be perfect moments, much like this evening or a Wordsworth's Daffodils moment, perfection, like happiness, is frustratingly ethereal and is to be savoured in the moment even as it slips by all too fast - to be fleetingly appreciated as it cannot be grasped.

Behind the drive for "the perfect life" is happiness and how we navigate through life depends on what we define as happiness.

As both ancient Greek and modern-day philosophers propose, happiness is not found in things like money, power or position but rather in leading a life of virtue.

Aristotle believed that happiness is striving for "the highest human good" or "living well". This offer of happiness is one Jesus made in John's gospel to us - He came that we may have life "to the full" - and one we often overlook or forget.

Why are virtues so important? Virtues enable us to integrate our minds, wills and emotions so that no matter what life throws at us, we will be able to tackle even the most fearful of problems and emerge with honour intact and a nobility of spirit present.

We all need prudence, justice, fortitude and temperance for these cardinal virtues steer us to make good decisions and right choices, choices that bring life and lead to harmony.

Christians would also propose the theological virtues of faith, hope and love for these three virtues deepen and enrich the human experience, spicing it up with joy even in times of loss.

Sadly, most people today view virtues as morally restrictive instead of what they simply are: moral excellence and intelligence, and a way to living a perfectly happy life.

These are the same people who view commandments and Church teachings as kill-joy restraints rather than life-affirming guidelines.

I was once such a person for I had a child's understanding of moral law and was motivated to keep the law out of fear of punishment. Hence the Church's teachings especially on chastity and contraception were viewed as unnatural, impossible and cause for resentment.

The sticking point came when I decided I no longer wanted to sit on the fence or be wishy-washy in my beliefs, yet I still struggled with Church teachings for I was so steeped in the ethics of the highly sexualized world we live in today.

As A. recently said, when in doubt, rely on the wisdom of the 2,000 year-old tradition of the Church and the wisdom of those who have gone before me, while continuing to question and search for answers. So that was what I had to do initially.

In gaining a better understanding of natural law and universal principles, my motivations to be and do good have changed gradually through the years.

This process did not happen overnight or easily. I have also had to work hard on making virtues, especially temperance, mine.

When is the moment one knows one has acquired a virtue*?

Father David stresses integration; when one delights in exercising the virtue, being good without feeling conflicted about it. In other words being happy being good.

Self-control may be a starting point but it is not enough. If one has only self-control to rely on, then the virtue is not yet yours for repression is a pretty miserable state and one would be like a time bomb waiting to explode.

I actually see this happening in my life now. The struggles I used to have trying to be good, to do the right thing, have pretty much evaporated.

Most times, I can look temptation in the eye and firmly say, "No thank you," walking away without bemoaning my negative response.

I am even happy, certainly feeling good being good. Needless to say all this is possible only because I keep my focus on Jesus and rely on Him to be my guiding light.

While I cannot say I am living the perfect life in that there is still lots of room for improvement, more virtues to master, I am perfectly placed on my journey of life.

Something I derive great pleasure from and give thanks for constantly.

* Aristotle writes "to like and to dislike the right things is thought to be the most important element in the formation of a virtuous character"

Lenten reality

Ever had one of those periods where your life seems to descend into chaos and your time is not your own?

This has just happened to me recently and part of it was my own fault.

It began innocently enough, the writing of my module one paper. The incipient tiredness that invaded my body after, and the need to reward myself after working so industriously (never mind that this last-minute, late-night rush could have been avoided) caused me to spiral into late-night watching of mindless drivel that passes off as entertainment.

While my schedule did not help for I suddenly had many useless blocks of free time in between classes and ended up leaving the house early and coming home late, I allowed time to slip away and felt the emptier for it. Physically exhausted and spiritually depleted.

Not everything I did was meaningless for it's easy to apportion time for others and for tasks that need to be done, but I left the welfare of me and myself out.

As I spent time living very much in the future, planning my next hour and rushing from place to place, I ignored my screaming muscles that protested my misuse and neglect of them.

I suppose I could say that the grace of getting older is that the body no longer allows such ill treatment for a protracted period of time, and so I have begun my climb out of this quicksand of brain-dead inactivity. More like forced to move.

Father David said that Singapore is one of the most utilitarian bent cities he has ever lived in: we value things according to their function. I have to agree.

As women are naturally inclined and socially reinforced to be nurturing and giving, we often place others above ourselves to the extent of self-neglect. This inclination, coupled with the value we place here on achievement can be deadly.

We often think that I am worthless if I do not show how giving I am by making someone feel better, by organizing an outing, by accomplishing... we are constantly out there from the get go and doing, doing, doing.

I think I have failed quite miserably this Lent from fasting from this need to do and to show how much I am worth based on my "useful" activity.

And so I resolve to make the latter half of Lent a time of moderation and a time for prayer - not because I have to, but because it will be doing something that is as fundamental as breathing to stay alive.

Not prayer for the sake of gaining heaven brownie points or for the desired outcome of inner serenity, but prayer because I am made to contemplate my love, gratitude and joy of being simply alive.

Thank goodness for Lent. I just have to make it real now.

Clean hands, pure heart

I have a theme song for Lent. Give Us Clean Hands written by Charlie Hall.

It is not a new song but I was recently taught how to sing it and the lyrics just resound with me for it is taken from one of my favourite psalms - Psalm 24 - and it encourages us to live out the principles of TOB*, that is, sacramentality of the body.

The song also brings me to the heart of Lent, to remember who I am, how I came to be and what I should be doing. To be humble and singular in focus.

We discussed solitude last Friday and how, through it, we have all experienced incredible intimacy with Jesus, and yet, we are so easily distracted as to not make the extra effort to seek the goodness of this love in solitude. Why?

It's like knowing what is good for me and yet not doing it, and then moaning to myself about how blah I feel and wishing I could do something about it. Kinda dumb, but there you have it, so typically human.

Thus this Lent I hope to make that extra effort and hopefully be rewarded for my discipline by experiencing spiritual renewal.

Clean hands, pure heart.

There's nothing more pleasurable than being fresh and clean after a shower, especially in hot and humid Singapore where being sticky and stinky is pretty much the prevailing condition by day's end (you just have to travel by train at 6:30pm to know what I mean).

Cleanliness is truly next to godliness for being clean lets me feel good in my body.

As for purity of heart, may Jesus be my soap and the Holy Spirit my water.

*Theology of the Body

As lovers do

I learned a new word last week. Acedia. It describes a state of being where one is restless yet listless; the inability to care about one's condition or position in the world thereby resulting in the inability to work or pray. It is a state of apathy where one does not care for anything and flees from the world.

It is also one of the seven deadly sins, more popularly known as sloth, but with a wealth of meaning that transcends the definition of pure laziness. As Father David pointed out, it is more than just a Garfield-like personality.

When I heard this, I immediately thought, wow, this is me; this is one of my biggest propensities to sin.

While I am always aware of my responsibilities, when things start to overwhelm me (for I am not exactly the most organized person in the world) I start to pretty much avoid the things I ought to do and do the things I ought not do, to paraphrase Saint Paul.

I grow deaf, mute and blind all at once to key priorities and fuss with the easy lesser ones instead. Or I just avoid everything by burrowing my head in the sand. Or I coast: watch TV and coast.

And when things get tough or rough, my first instinct is to give up and chuck it all. It takes great effort to convince myself (thank goodness for my spiritual director and wise spiritual guides, not least the Holy Spirit) into staying the course.

Tied closely to this is my experience of freedom. Do I see freedom as the capricious whimsy to do whatever pleases me while rationalizing as long as I don't hurt anyone, it is okay?

Or do I see it as the ability to deliberate and work hard at harmonizing a motley mix of blooms, leaves and branches into a beautiful feast of flowers that brings pleasure to all who see and smell it (thanks SD for that wonderful image)?

At times, I do feel weighed down by my own expectations of what I will do in response to the situations and people around me and I do wallow in apathetic non-action, but then, I also know in choosing what seems to be the easier route (read cop-out) will not leave me sitting comfortably in my skin for it would be going against who I am and what I stand for in life.

In the aftermath of the devastating earthquake in Japan and its consequent tsunamis, what do I do, what can I do? It is just so simple to be appalled for half an hour and then forget it all, living as I do in my unaffected cocoon.

Certainly I cannot right the situation, given my limited abilities, but I can do something, by giving what I can to aid efforts, by not forgetting, and as banal and useless as it sounds, praying, for prayer does work.

Although I don't know anyone who was affected by the catastrophe, I am still bonded by humanity to reach out and help. For to do nothing is akin to acedia.

In his book Before I Go, Peter Kreeft says this about freedom, that the wise do not speak of it for "Lovers want to be bound, not free. They don't seek freedom because they are already free if they are lovers."

I was born with the freedom to choose and I choose to be a lover and to do as they do, that is, to love.