Fifteen years on

I still remember the look in your eyes

The incipient sadness, hinting of defeat

So unlike your usual cocky self

Full of fight and steely determination

Your will, slowly eaten away by the cancer

That wielded a catastrophic toll 

A shell of a body, loose skin and bone

With petrified lungs, voice silenced 

You sat, waiting for death to intervene

We stood, and watched the futile battle

Drowning in helpless rage and sorrow.

I am bereft once again today

What would I have done differently? 

Would I have dared to say I love you?

Told you how much I would miss you...pining for you

Time heals all wounds, they say - what a crock! 

We merely paint on masks to hide the
Unseemly cracks of a bleeding, broken heart
Bottling up acrid regrets and searing grief.

You would be happy today if you were here

Your deepest wish for me has been fulfilled

God heard your fervent prayer (He truly did)

I am sure you would have liked him immensely

Loved him, even, for making me incredibly happy

My only consolation for now is this:

We will meet, once again, in eternal life

Join together never to part again.

Till then, I thank you, for giving me life,

Your high cheekbones and righteous, generous heart

Happy birthday Daddy.

And he loves me

I don’t know if he loves me, she said of her husband who obviously loved her enough to marry her and have three  beautiful children with her. They are still together and he’s an engaged husband and father so yes, of course, he still loves her. Maybe he doesn’t verbalize it, like most men, but his actions show he is fully into the marriage, into her.

What she shared is a question that does go through my mind off and on, and I am sure the minds of women the world over who are in relationships. It can be a real relationship killer for when I asked the same question some months back I was feeling unsure and insecure, a little fearful even. It tends to breed other unhealthy questions such as so why am I working so hard at the relationship when he doesn’t seem to notice or care, should I continue to bother for he clearly doesn’t, how can I make him love me? The hamster wheel spins a little faster.

If I allowed the question to fester, it would change the way I now function and that would not bode well for the relationship. I would descend into a needy and whiny child, constantly demanding proofs of love, and yet, unable to attain satisfaction for very long. I would seek to change him and do things that I swore I would not do in a relationship, that is, to be calculative, transactional, and psycho controlling.

My SD who has counselled many married Asian couples in his time had these words of wisdom to share with me some months  back: he will never say those words you want to hear in the way you want to hear them (so stop hankering after the man of the romcoms and K-dramas). SD recommended that I listen with all my senses, my heart, to hear the “words” of love my husband speaks to me. He is right. I am invited to look beyond the superficial, to discount the little things that irritate me or make me unhappy, and to discern the depth of my husband’s love by the things that he does and I simply take for granted. I am reminded to cherish  and love the whole package - of who he is and the peculiar circumstances of our lives - to love him for his faults, and not just in spite of his faults.

So he doesn’t switch the lights off... so he’s messy... the bathroom smells because he’s never very accurate... he doesn't talk to me... he doesn't listen to me and he doesn't even know what I like...  these are some complaints I have heard through the years of real situations that need to be taken within context and dealt with accordingly. We can begin with ourselves first, to see if the complaints are valid.

Besides letting go of my preconceived notions of what marriage should be like, I know I need to work on my own insecurity that links directly to my own sense of self-worth. Marriage requires great confidence. What stopped me from spiralling down into insecurity was recalling my own identity.

How could I forget that I was an awesome child of God, that I am a beautiful and beloved bride? Jesus loves me and all those words of affirmation I seek, He gives to me freely. Did I listen carefully? If I did, I would know that I am good and that I am a great wife to my husband for I always try to love him in a self-giving manner.

I may fail to love him in the way he needs to be loved at times, and I can be a thorn in his side occasionally and behave in ways that I am not proud of, but I am lovable and P loves me dearly (I say this with complete faith because I know him enough now to recognize the signs and the unspoken words of affirmation he does drop daily). Likewise, I love him deeply, and I try to honour that love by speaking the unspoken language of love in different ways. Jesus is our conduit, the One whom we view each other through so that we are more loving, forgiving and compassionate to each other.

The truth of the matter is marriage takes work. It can be a grind that zaps our energy and dampens our enthusiasm. And there are many things that distract us from what’s really important. On our own, P and I would descend into mediocrity, and, perhaps, even apathy, but with Jesus and Mother Mary as our unifying forces, we can flow from strength to strength despite differences and hurdles.

So when I do feel low and a little unloved, I run to my perfect Bridegroom and let Him minister to me. His unconditional love heals my wounded soul and brings a wholeness to my being. He restores balance into my inner universe and gives me the necessary wisdom and moral strength to keep on fighting for a good and healthy marriage and family life.

Love in a marriage is often a committed decision rather than an affective state of being so I thank God that thinking on P still makes me grin like the Chesire cat. Does he love me? Yes, he does. I know so.

Finding Mother Mary in Vietnam

In June, P and I went to Vietnam on a mini pilgrimage. In central Vietnam there are three Marian shrines, all with stories of miracles attached to them which is why people flock to these places, but more importantly, these places represent hope, that God is our loving Father who not only gives us eternal life through Jesus, His Son, but He also takes care of us while we sojourn on earth and He has given us a mother to run to when we need a woman’s gentle assurances and feminine embrace. 

Mary is theotokos, which in Greek means Mother of God. She is the only human being born without sin, the Immaculate Conception, who is worthy enough to carry Jesus in her womb and bring Him into our world to be our saviour. She is the second Eve, who says yes to God where the original Eve said no, choosing, instead, to believe the serpent’s words. But beyond Catholic dogma, the reason why people love and revere her as Jesus’ mama is because she is our best model for faith-filled obedience. As Saint Alphonsus de Liguori said Mary was the most perfect among the saints because she was always perfectly united to the will of God. She was sensitive to what others needed (and still is) and she quietly acted with powerful results. 

Through various times in history and in many places all over the world, Mother Mary has appeared to mostly children or simple folk to bring a message much needed. It is usually a message of encouragement and conversion, to turn back to God and His ways. 

At La Vang, Mary appeared during a time of persecution of Catholics in the late 1700s. She apparently comforted the people who were hiding in the forest and asked them to boil the leaves from the trees in order to cure a prevailing illness among the refugees, and she promised to receive their prayers. Despite efforts through the preceding years to curb Catholicism, the killing of people (more than one hundred thousand Vietnamese Christians died as martyrs) and the destruction of a chapel honouring Our Lady, the faith persisted and today La Vang has become a Marian shrine where tens of thousands flock to every year, seeking answers to their prayers and miracles of physical healing. 

When we were at La Vang, P and I were privileged to count as fellow pilgrims a newly ordained priest and his family, a recently married couple and their families offering thanksgiving, and a group of nuns visiting from north Vietnam. Everywhere we turned we saw people offering up touching prayer tributes of dance and song which made our visit so special. The Spirit of God was amongst the pilgrims and we were blessed to be able to soak in His blessings.

The peace we felt as we sat and prayed in front of the beautiful statue of Our Lady of

Tra Kieu was inestimable. This time it was 1885 and the anti-French sentiment took the form of an attack on a small Catholic parish in south central Vietnam. Praying before the statue of Mother Mary was the villagers’ first line of defence. It worked. Even when cannons were brought in, the cannonballs would veer inexplicably off-course. The soldiers saw a lady dressed in white and even though they aimed for her they could not touch her. Eventually the attacks ceased as nothing seemed to work. The protection of Our Mother was sufficient. 

In Da Nang, we visited Our Lady of Sao Bien or Stella Maris, Star of the Sea. Situated in a public park next to the convent of Saint Paul de Chartres, the statue stands on what was once part of the convent compound. When the government confiscated the land, the sisters refused to move the statue from its original spot despite official efforts. The authorities finally desisted when a deadly typhoon hit, claiming lives and causing great damage to the area except for the temporary roof over the statue and the statue itself.

I was amazed and delighted that there is a religious park where Our Mother is so accessible to the public. It is a serene oasis where people trickle by during the day regularly to pray. Surrounding the statue are little plaques set in concrete, each commemorating an answered prayer. 

The heart of a mother is deeply intuitive. A mother never ceases to love and care for her children. She puts their needs above her own comfort, gathering the desires of their hearts, only to enable the granting of those desires through her Son. She believes in their goodness and hopes beyond their flaws and failures, forgiving them time and time again. She advises them gently, reminding them to do the right thing always. She, herself, is a model of virtue, a guiding light.

I thank God for the gift of Mother Mary, without whom I could not be a good wife and mother. I returned home from Vietnam, inspired and resolved to give my fiat to God more wholeheartedly, today, and every day.

Levelling up

I am still reflecting on words that E gave me when she prayed with me this birthday, new wine skins and deep calling unto deep. It certainly ties in with what spoke to me at the mass I attended on my birthday. During that mass, all I could experience was a deep sense of gratitude for what has been given to me, and how, despite the radical transformation my life had taken, I was still able to hold my head above the water and swim, which, to me, is a great achievement. All kudos to Jesus and Mother Mary whom I lean on every day to know the way I should walk, and to do it with wisdom and grace.

Marriage has been my great spiritual adventure, my new mission fields, and these last 12 months have called forth from me a greater capacity for love, patience, forgiveness, wisdom and compassion through a carefully cultivated intimate relationship with the Lord. I am grateful I have not bombed too disastrously and I have had such tremendous fun living wholeheartedly, purposefully.

Life is all about living out the promises God has made with me, and working hard at carrying out the plans He has to prosper me to hopefully, eventually, reap good fruit. It is about transforming belief into faith (thank you, Archie, for today’s homily* and how we should be putting our faith into practice in all areas of our lives). How do I, in my waking hours, make the life-giving, selfless and oft difficult choices that speak of Jesus consistently and tellingly to everyone around me? How do I exude the joy of the Gospel like the seductive scent of jasmine wafting on a cool evening breeze?

Where is my heart, my honour, my priorities in life? They all rest in the generous heart of Father God. If I believe in the Father who loved the world so much that He gave us His only Son to die on the cross so that we may be redeemed, then I must be able to give up my own life, nailing it to the cross in order to live the resurrected life of Easter. I must be the haemorrhagic woman who claimed healing by boldly touching the cloak of Jesus, and then courageously admitting her act in order to receive unimagined new life. I must be the little girl who gets up and walks about when I hear the voice of Jesus calling me from my sleep of death.

Talitha kum! Awake to wine skins, new depths. Frankly, this scares me. I am physically quite run down, tired and aching all the time. Where do I have the energy to do more, Lord? Can’t I just keep on doing what I am doing now that I have attained a new level of competence and reached a comfort level of sorts? And yet, His Spirit moves me, like Philip who was whisked away to places where he was needed, again and again. I must still go where He wants to lead me. I need to level up. Now that the new wine is in, it needs to be stored in new wine skins. I need to dig deeper, and challenge myself further. Refine my self and find a new attitude of humble and irrepressible  hope. This is the Christian ethos - as disciples we move constantly to align our wills with the Father’s will in order to spread the Good News that love, self-sacrificing love, conquers all.

So what do I want in this new year, a question E posed me. I think I would like to ask for the gift of joy, to be able to laugh at myself and to make light of my own load first, then to be able to make the people around me smile and laugh, to refresh weary hearts, to soothe the fearful, calm the angry, ease lonely souls, liberate the burdened, and simply enable God’s healing of the brokenness that lies within the hearts of others. Yes, joy will definitely be handy in these coming days, weeks and months.

* https://www.catholic.sg/04-july-2018-wednesday-13th-week-ordinary-time/ 

The miracle of new life

Nuzzling quietly in loving arms

Not long after J was born, when I gazed upon his face - the little button of a nose, the delicate curved lines of closed eyes, spiked with prickles of eyelashes, the determined chin so reminiscent of P's adult chin, and those exquisitely shaped tiny ears - I was overcome by the miracle of his little being.

Every baby is a living miracle, proof of all that's good and holy in the world. It's no wonder that all the adults around him go goo goo ga ga and we all dance to his rhythms, syncopated by his cries of hunger, poopy discomfort and cranky exhaustion. We stand and look in loving awe at his sleeping form, marvelling at how his little chest rises and falls with each breath he takes. We inhale his impossibly sweet baby scent and caress his tender soft skin with wonder.

It has been over a month since his arrival and his personality has emerged even at this tender age, while his cuteness quotient rises exponentially over time. Currently he responds to conversation with coos, gurgles and smiles.

This precious baby will one day grow up to be a man, a good man, I hope, one close to God's heart and who walks in His ways (I can only pray). It is with the greatest pleasure that I will witness his development through the years.

It dismays and saddens me that abortion has become acceptable, even legalized (dear Ireland, what were you thinking) which means new generations of women will grow up thinking of abortion as a right, an entitlement, instead of what it really is, murder, pure and simple.

We live in a culture of death where the rights of defenceless children (every foetus carried to full term is a child who will grow up into an adult) are superseded by the desires of their parents.

Certainly I agree each woman or man should have their sense of dignity respected, and we should each defend our personal freedom and space. However, every pregnant woman automatically becomes a guardian, an advocate for the one who has no voice (yet), and who relies on her to bring him or her to the next threshold of life at childbirth. Unseen and unheard does not equal to a relinquishment of human rights.

In a perfect world, there is no violence, there is no rape. Lust does not muddy the waters and we understand that love means wanting the better of the other. Hence there is a right understanding of procreation and how it is so deeply connected to marriage, a lifetime commitment.

Despite the fact that people fixate only on the physical pleasure sexual intercourse can bring, sexual intercourse has an intrinsic sanctity and mystery. It is, first and foremost, an act of love, unitive in nature, sometimes procreative. It is an act that is designed to bring us closer to God, strange as it may seem. Much as the world engages in it to satisfy lustful appetites solely, sex goes beyond just sex, and pregnancies go beyond unwanted and mourned over accidents.

Every pregnancy is inherently a celebration of life, the heralding of new life. Every foetus is a child who relies on his or her mother to care for him or her in the womb till he or she is ready to go it alone (albeit still requiring much love and care as babies cannot look after themselves).

We can rationalize away all we want but abortion is never a viable option and this includes the use of any form of contraception which are all abortifacient in nature. If we say we believe in Jesus Christ, then we must act accordingly, and that means to walk through the narrow gate and eschew abortion and all contraceptives apart from Natural Family Planning. Promote and celebrate life in all its stages, especially life in the foetal stage. 

Minding your Ps and Is

During a lunch with I some time back, we discovered that what she learned in Christian faith formation was not unlike my own experience with my community, Institute for World Evangelisation ICPE Mission.

She had learned a great way to remember it: Identity, Intimacy and Inheritance.

Identity. If we know who we are and where we come from, then we will most probably know where we want to go. I know I am a beloved child of God and I am a wonderful creation, an awesome woman who can undertake the impossible, much like Mother Mary.

Even if the way forward is as clear as mud, I am still able to trust in the goodness of God's plan and let Jesus lead me step by step down obscure byways and unknown highways. Even though I may feel completely lost at times, there is also a sense of freedom when I let Him guide me, especially in those moments.

Self-knowledge and self-awareness also help me. Because I know my weaknesses, I can avoid temptation and my very own personality pitfalls. I can play to my strengths more powerfully. I struggle less with self-hate and my own perceived failures with the humbling self-acceptance that comes from knowing myself and acknowledging my limitations.

Intimacy. If I were to wake up to a world that does not recognise the existence of God, I could not and would not concur. I was the hated, wounded woman at the well whom Jesus spoke to and in that encounter, I received not only His precious validation and affirmation, but an invitation to a new way of life. I accepted and our relationship has grown through the years into the most significant and vital one in my life. It is in Him that my restless heart can rest, that my deepest hurts are erased, and my joy knows no bounds.

In embracing the Christian life as prescribed by the Bible, Tradition and the Magisterium of the Roman Catholic Church, I have come to know, love and serve God which brings incredible meaning to my life. Jesus is my all in all for He spurs me on to greater goodness, to deeper purpose, and walking side by side with the Risen Lord, I am spiritually and emotionally fulfilled. The Holy Spirit, my Advocate, is my closest companion and I cannot envision life without Him, or His love and gentle wisdom.

Sure, intimacy with someone who is not tangible may prove challenging, but seek and you will find. Seek Him by being faithful, prayerful, obedient and amiable. That doesn't mean you don't wrestle with Him at times, or question Him. It's important to dialogue with Jesus even as you follow in His footsteps closely, serving others, anointed only with the oil of gladness and clothed in a garment of praise (Isaiah 61:3). You will experience ineffable peace and a mystical lightness of being - it is priceless and beyond all human comprehension.

Inheritance. If we only knew what the Father had in store for us, plans to prosper us*, we would claim our inheritance straightaway, without hesitation. I see my belovedness and my giftedness as my inheritance. These were etched indelibly in the very core of my being when He knit me in my mother's womb. I was loved into existence by the Father, and out of that love, He created me, a talented individual, to bring something to this world that only I can. When I just am, and when I serve Him to the best of my abilities, I am using my inheritance to bless others. Being exactly where God placed me, and fulfilling the mission entrusted to me situates me right in the Kingdom of Heaven. There is much grace in that even if it can get to be an unrelenting slog at times.

When the going gets tough I remind myself that I am, we are all destined for bigger things. As 1 Peter 2:9 declares: But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

This is my inheritance: to be a light-bearer, leading others in this world into eternal life where we will all reside together in His Kingdom in perfect harmony.

Along with the three Is, there should be three Ps: Perspective, Priorities and Passion.

Perspective. Glass half-full or half-empty? A true believer will always be able to see an overflowing glass even in the darkness because being Christian means taking the very long view of eternal life. Time is measured not so much as chronos, in a linear fashion, but as kairos, relying on God's timing. Thus, mortality takes on a different complexion when the reality of Christ's salvific grace points us towards heaven. We can be big picture people, able to sift out what's unimportant, and be grateful for what is. Even hardship, loss and betrayal will not defeat us for hope based on the love of God springs eternal.

I would say that keeping my eyes trained on Jesus helps me  stay grounded, have a secure handle on my life and let go of what impedes my own growth. No matter what situations I find myself in, I do not have to lose my cool or my sense of dignity, and I can still choose to act as Jesus would, rather than react in primal fear. So when things get too overwhelming or I get very negative, I submit to His vision and more often than not, I stop sweating the small stuff and quickly regain much-needed perspective. We are all born to be God-eyed optimists so strive hard to be one.

Priorities. Among the many choices and paths we can take, what drives our decisions are our priorities. Before embarking on something new, counting the cost within the parameters set by our priorities is necessary. We cannot have everything. Something's gotta give. Sacrifices have to be made. It can get complicated. A great way to simplify life when things get a little muddled is to simply make Christ my priority. What follows is I then orientate my life towards Him and I live by His principles, and voila, clarity. All life's knotty issues can be solved, or at least resolved.

By no means is it easy to live out our priorities for it takes courage and constancy. Often, I have to subsume personal comfort and preferences, and be led as Saint Peter was, to go where I do not want to go, but when I act selflessly, I find I  receive much more than I could ever have imagined in return. It is like the multiplication of loaves. When I share my five loaves and two fish, Jesus multiplies it such that I get to partake of much more while having the pleasure of sharing such abundance with others as well. It is a win-win situation.

Passion. My SD recently said to me you have to be a passionate lover. We were, of course, talking about marriage, but I feel, it applies to life in general. By passionate he means not only scads of enthusiasm and interest in someone, getting to know everything one can about the other's life, just as Jesus was passionate about getting to know every individual He met intimately, but it is also about making an informed decision to give of myself unstintingly and fearlessly, wisdom and love poured into every gesture of love. To die to self and be bread broken for others, just as Christ was. That is passion in its extreme best.

Here, Saint Ignatius's prayer of generosity resonates with me every day, especially the following lines:

to give and not count the cost; 
to fight and not to heed the wounds;
to toil and not to seek for rest;
to labour and not to ask for reward,

Besides having a heart that gives, a listening, pondering heart (praying the rosary every day helps me get there) that oils the wheels of understanding and empathy is also necessary. SD counselled me to listen with all my senses. And when I fail to understand something or someone, here is where I need to go beyond my limited human understanding, and rely on the supernatural to guide me.

So here we are on the Feast Day of Corpus Christi, a feast that celebrates the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. I am ever grateful for the gift of Christ's Passion, plus His Holy Body and Blood which I can partake of and draw strength from. He is the one who always helps me regain perspective, right my priorities, and sustain my passion through every season in life. May I always get intimate with Him to know who I am and how I should spend my inheritance with wise profligacy.

* Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

A Pentecostal song

We have finally arrived at Pentecost, the birthday of the Church. The daily readings during these last weeks of the Easter season tell us how we can live as the apostles did, full of zeal once they caught the fire of the Resurrected Christ.

It was a time of impressive miracles for it was time where the disciples grew up and walked closely in the Master's footsteps. They were able to love as passionately and generously as Jesus did. Their joy was contagious, their faith prodigious, and Christianity spread despite efforts to suppress and eradicate it. All thanks to the Advocate, the Holy Spirit.

It is not any different today, we still face the same persecutions as Christians of old did, even though the persecutions take on sometimes novel and more cunningly disguised faces.

Alongside the bombing of Churches (praying for the Christians of Surabaya) and killing of people due to racial or religious differences, we see the changing of laws that threaten the lives of unborn children (praying for Ireland this coming week as they vote that abortion will not be legalized) and the inviolable nature of marriage. Advances in technology and medicine have unfortunately spawned new evils that cheapen the value of human life and expose especially women and children to more forms of subtle abuse and subjugation.

What do we do? We need an Easter spirituality, a Pentecostal grounding in order to live in our world as successfully as they did. It's not about a self-righteous, strident or martial reaction, much as it seems justified to pay back in the same coin. It's about going forth with forgiving compassion, courage and constancy. We must be unflagging in passion, full of hope and love. We cannot bow to evil and we must right the wrongs we see with wisdom, bringing light and life into darkness. The impetus for such enthusiastic fortitude can only come from a faith that relies wholly on the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

During my recent ICPE Companions cell meeting we discussed two points of the ICPE Mission's Norms and Orientations: appropriating the gift of salvation in order to live in the freedom of being children of God as well as how we can live out our evangelistic or missionary vocation daily.

Paragraph 8.1.13 states that a certain spirituality is needed in living out our vocation:

It requires that the community as well as its members are being led by the Holy Spirit (R.M. 87). This vocation also demands an intimate communion with Christ, a self emptying (Ph 2:7) together with an attitude of thanksgiving (Ph 4: 4-9).  It also demands loving the Church and humanity as Jesus Christ did, having a ‘zeal for souls’ implied by Christ’s own charity, which takes the form of concern, tenderness, compassion, openness, availability, and interest in peoples lives (Jn 2:25). The community emphasises that only profound love for the Church can sustain the missionary zeal of the members (R.M. 89).  Above all, this missionary vocation requires a life committed to the way of holiness (R.M. 90).  

This is the Way of the Cross, of living in the Spirit. Be holy, as our Father in heaven is, as our Lord Jesus was and is holy, as Mother Mary was holy, as the saints before us were holy.

The invitation is 
to be 
to be 

fully me

consciously

mindfully

in touch with Christ 

the Holy Spirit 

attuned 

to His heart's desire

for me 

for my neighbours 

especially those 

I find hard to love

(including myself)

every moment 

of every day

breathing in 

His goodness

exhaling 

alluring peace

Zeal for God 

this love for Christ

comes when 

we steep ourselves 

in prayer

entering the heart 

of the Father

resting

basking

playing at

the Shepherd's feet

growing 

fruitful branches 

of the Vine

making 

narrow gate choices

scorned by the world 

but so pleasing 

to the Creator

Opt for 

the better part 

always

Seek the good 

of the other

Find a way 

of life sublime
intense in purity

umami rich  

With eye on 

eternal life

I submit

Come Holy Spirit

Creator blest

Renew

the face 

of the earth

Veni 

Creator

Spiritus

Grandparents' prayer

Easter baby, you are a springtime special,

Bringing new life to our home.

We smile when we gaze at your tiny face,

Our hearts fill with gladness

As we inhale your delicious scent.

We stand in awe at the miracle of you

The perfection of your tiny being

You are precious, so wonderfully made.

God's favour is truly upon you!

What will you be when you grow up?

We can, but pray, and bless you daily

Angels and saints protect you and keep you safe

Guard your heart from all things bad

May you grow up strong and healthy

Humble of heart, a righteous man

Full of joy and hope; light and salt to all you meet

The world is a better place, we are better people

Just because you inhabit our world today.

Attesting to Divine Mercy

On the day when P and I first met, which happened to be the Feast of the Divine Mercy, I remember going to the Adoration Room that morning after mass to offer up my first blind date in decades. Although I no longer thought marriage was even a remote possibility, I went on the date with a curious and open heart. I actually received a sign in prayer which, at the time, I was not quite sure what it meant. Now I see the sign was the promise of Divine Mercy, that if we both place Jesus in the heart of our relationship, we can do no wrong. We may fumble badly from time to time, but we will always bounce back, stronger than ever.

Today I am still grateful for this sign, a reminder to make time for the Lord in order to receive life-giving affirmation and vital grounding for my pre-eminent mission of marriage. Thus, I need to praise and worship the Lord, whether in stillness or in movement (what joy it is to worship Him through my body - thanks A, for the opportunity). He is faithful forever, perfect in love* so I, in turn, must be as faithful and perfect as I can be, for Him first, then for P. Thanking and loving Him for His Divine Mercy, commemorating a feast we celebrated just last Sunday.

By Divine Mercy we met
And decided that marriage was
The way forward for us
To test the truths we advocate
Treading waters of nuptial abundance
Percolating quiet, humble obedience.

Through Divine Mercy we love
Bringing fulfilment to each other
Fired in the healing heart of Jesus
We anneal our halves into a whole
His graces are richly sufficient
We bow to the One omniscient.

In Divine Mercy we live
Surrendering intellects and egos
Serving the good of the other
Faithful in the little things
We are bread broken, giving sustenance
Yet astounded always by His providence.

* We worshipped in dance to Aaron Keyes's Sovereign Over Us last night which was uplifting, liberating and soul-satisfying.

Say yes to Easter

If we cannot experience the Resurrection, then we cannot truly experience Easter, said Father Greg last Friday evening during his homily. He was talking in reference to a few of the disciples who, at a loss despite having encountered the Risen Lord, had gone back to what they knew best, being simple fishermen.

What he said resonated with me for I was not feeling particularly Easter-ish even during the Easter Octave. So that was what it was, I was not able to internalize the Resurrection for I was still struggling within myself to take up the invitation of Easter, which is to live by and in the power of the Resurrected Christ. I was unable to fully process this new reality post-Good Friday and its implications for my own life. I remained uncertain, frightened and bewildered, digging in my heels at the new trajectory before me.

I think I got stuck in the tragedy of the Crucifixion, and I forgot to see it as the gift that it really is, an unspeakably beautiful gift of love that morphs into something even more awesome: Resurrection, a resurrection that heralds not just hope of immense proportions, but also an alternative way of living - living a life fully redeemed and destined for eternal life.

Having nailed my sins and my personal crosses to the Cross, I was unable to rise above the events that had recently challenged my identity to the core. I was still weeping and struggling in my human weakness and condition, refusing to let the Resurrected Lord transform my way of thinking. My world got too big for me and I could not see that Jesus was bigger than all the problems of my world and the world at large combined.

It is, therefore, no coincidence that the Feast of the Annunciation follows so soon after the Easter Octave. The invitation is to to be bold, to dig deeper into unplumbed reserves of faith, to suspend personal beliefs, surrender one's own store of past, known experiences, and allow Jesus to lead the untrodden way forward, terrifying and wonderful in equal parts.

The message of Easter is to believe in a new way, even if it seems odds-defying and impossible at the outset. Believing means saying yes unconditionally, and then choosing to set down the path that lays before me, knowing full well that I will encounter difficulties and challenges that may be insurmountable save for one fact: the Resurrected Lord walks with me.

With Him by my side, I am safe. I am more than good. I can experience inner peace and joy, even when beset with problems. My heart can burn with hope and zeal, for Jesus will open my mind to good solutions and perfect answers. I may never be perfect, but His ways, His plan for me is perfect. I just need to do what my SD likes to tell me at the end of our time together, (you) go ahead.

As Mary did, scared as she was, yet dead sure that our Heavenly Father's way is the right one for her, I say yes again today, yes to where I am situated, yes to being His beloved disciple and a favoured daughter who knows her Father's heart. And I choose to believe that Jesus is always on my side so I do not need to operate from a place of fear and insecurity, born out of uncertainty. I am free to relax, be and become the me He created me to be, and evnjoy the ride.

My Easter gift this week comes from 1 John 2:5: But if anyone keeps His word, the love of God has been truly perfected in him. By this we know we are in Him.

If I wish to shoot for perfection, all I have to do is love Him and I will get there. Good news for the perfectionist in me. Easter has finally arrived!

Journeying slowly into Easter

I wondered yesterday if resurrection was painful. Three days in hell before rising must have been at least a tad uncomfortable, if not painful. Even if it was not, it took those who loved Jesus more than three days to process through the grief before accepting the good news of His resurrection.

The reason for my reflection was because I could not experience the joy I usually felt on Easter Sundays for I had a mini crisis of faith on Good Friday. I lost faith in my own goodness, my self-worth and my abilities to the point I was ready to abandon everything I believed in, just like that, despite being able to acknowledge everything that was good in my life, some of which I have assiduously built. It was an extremely painful and terrifying experience. I can only think I was somehow privileged to glimpse a shadow of the internal struggle and emotional pain Jesus must have felt in Gethsemane.

Although my world righted itself by that evening, and I realized I really needed to die to my old self in order to resurrect as Jesus did, the angst had not dissipated completely by Sunday. So it was nice to meet up and celebrate Easter with my ICPE community and receive a few Easter insights.

I was first reminded by S that the Church in her wisdom had divined Easter to be a 50-day period which, as M pointed out, was an even more significant time for a Christian than Lent. It is during this time that the resurrected Lord still walks among us, teaching us, encouraging us. As P shared his memory of a homily last Tuesday when we broke the word on the walk to Emmaus, Jesus comes first to befriend us and walk with us, then He teaches us and shepherds us, before He becomes bread broken for us, feeding us and fortifying us.

This is the Easter journey. And we have days to explore and discover the Risen Lord; experience the hope and joy of His resurrection and what it portends in our own lives. So I still have time to laboriously chip away at the top of the tough eggshell encasing my new self before I can emerge from it, sufficiently strengthened to wobble out on my own two feet.

When K asked us what it was that we would like to offer Jesus this Easter, whether we were still in the darkness of Good Friday or in the resurrection of Easter Sunday, these words that echo Romans 5:5 came to me: The love of Christ has been poured into our hearts.

I saw my vocation, my marriage, as a vessel, the melding of two broken, imperfect heart halves bonded together miraculously and irrevocably by the liquid gold of Christ's redeeming and divine love to form one beautiful and whole heart. Then I saw the gushing waters of God's tender, eternal, unending and faithful love poured into this vessel of us.

If our marriage, our married hearts are filled with God's Holy Spirit, and consequently the love of God, then, no matter what happens, no matter what travails we face, the cross victorious will always reign; originating from the sacrificial love of the crucified Christ, the suffering servant, and transforming into the hope of the resurrected Christ.

This is how P and I can be sustained through the days of our married lives, and this is how we can make our marriage a sign of hope and a source of light in this world. Our marriage will water those who thirst and help the seeds of faith the Sower sows to sprout and grow abundantly around us. We can bring the laughter and joy of Cana to life. Every single day, we can sing the songs of Easter.

My offering to God this Easter is a spanking new self and empty heart, waiting expectantly to be filled with His abundant love.

  _and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.    Romans 5:5

Owning the Last Supper

These last weeks my sense of justice has been hugely challenged. I have felt misunderstood, wrongly accused, and even slandered. I have also felt used and abused, the way the older son who lived with his father felt when on returning home after a hard day's work was confronted with a celebratory feast given for his ne'er-do-well younger brother who had frittered away his portion of the inheritance and has now come home with his tail between his legs.

Where is the justice in all this? All I do is strive for the good of the other. I seek to be kind and generous. I live by truth and love as best I can. How did I become this vile enemy? So how do I respond with grace when faced with my own bewildered anger and frustration, my bitterness? How do I continue to love and forgive those who hurt, anger and sadden me?

Reading the Archie's homily for today, Maundy Thursday, entitled The Capacity to Love*, pulled together all the lessons I have been trying to absorb this Lenten season. He first asks us to focus on the right thing: the emphasis is on Christ loving us first, so that in turn we can love one another. If our service is not rooted in His love for us, we end up doing what the Lord has done for us, but using our own strength. This is where we either become self-righteous, arrogant and proud, or we become discouraged,  lacking confidence and disgusted with our own selfishness.

Yes, yes, yes! Root, root, root! I have spent time on my knees, weeping at the feet of Jesus, attempting to root my identity in Him. Only His perfect love for me has saved me and allowed me to see through His eyes so that I can get a better handle on all the situations at hand and strive to act as He would have. By my own strength it is impossible to be magnanimous and gracious. In God alone I find my strength. He is my fortress, my stronghold, my shield and my song. This has been my constant cry through this season.

Tonight's mass celebrating the Last Supper of Jesus Christ speaks of Christ's self-emptying humility, the depths of His love for us as the servant king who forgives us our sins and takes on our sins by giving up His own life. He is love and mercy personified. Monsignor William Goh further reminds me that as a lover and follower of Jesus, I, too, am called to act as He did, emptying myself for others, and to "make the sacrifice of Christ at the mass" my "own sacrifice". The ways I can live out this mass is:

Firstly, we must offer forgiveness to those who have hurt us as Jesus offered His forgiveness to His apostles who would betray Him later... If we desire to receive God’s forgiveness, then we must be ready to forgive completely those who have offended us. Otherwise, the forgiveness of God would be thwarted as it is only one-sided, that is, on the side of God.  

Secondly, we must offer our lives in service from the love that the Lord has given to us. We serve not with our own strength and merits but by the grace of His love. We are called to empty ourselves in humble service to our fellowmen. It is not enough to serve our fellowmen, but we must serve with humility, compassion and unconditionally. Only humble service can touch the hearts of our fellowmen. Unless we empty ourselves of our pride, we cannot be true servants of the Lord.

Finally, we must be ready to suffer for others, especially innocent suffering... When we suffer innocently for others, because we have been wrongly judged, slandered, misunderstood and ridiculed, then we could truly say that we have made the sacrificial death of Jesus our own. When we suffer for others, helping them and alleviating their sufferings, then we too proclaim His death and most of all, by our sufferings for them, we bring about healing and reconciliation.

When we get down to brass tacks, the answer is to simply be loved and to love, love through the hurt, the sorrow, the anger, the pain, the injustice, the hatred, the bitterness, and the loss, and only then can it be said:

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:35   

Thank you, Your Grace, for giving me fresh hope, and zeal for Jesus, our Lord and Saviour.

* To read the entire awesome homily, please go to https://www.catholic.sg/29-march-2018-maundy-thursday/

New and unending mercies

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon last and we were there to say goodbye to my aunt, my mother's youngest sister. Thanking God for allowing us that last Divine-appointed meeting, a final afternoon to laugh and cry, and say a proper goodbye. She waited for us, kept us entertained, her delight infectious and palpable. Apple juice, green jelly and afternoon tea - what a celebration! My heart aches, and yet, it was the best possible outcome given the circumstances. She had run a crazy good race and was ready to go home to Jesus. Thank you for living life on your own terms, with honesty, and with no excuses. What grace to die on Wednesday at 3:00pm, the hour of Divine Mercy, to the strains of prayer muttered by loved ones and friends the world over.

As I process my grief the chorus from the hymn As We Gather that originates from Lamentations 3:22-23 comes to my mind, a suitable refrain:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;*
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning, new every morning,
Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord,
Great is Thy faithfulness.

Rest in peace dear Aunty R. Thank you for everything!

War baby, wild child
You always looked at life 

Just a little differently

From the rest of us

The grass was greener 

In the far yonder

Where sunshine beckoned

Promising new life

One filled with song

Ancient hymns delighted 

Soothing your soul 

Inspired, you ran free.

God's special child

Funny with an acerbic wit

Generous and concerned

Loving those who needed kindness

You made a difference 

Where it counted, saved lives.

And now we weep

For missed opportunities

Another chance to see you smile

But glad that Divine Mercy

Brought you home in peace.

Rest well, among the favoured

In our Father's arms.

Understanding marriage as created by God

Is marriage difficult? That's a definite yes. It is difficult in the sense that there are more complexities, fiendish algorithms to consider and juggle, and one has much less control over one's life than if one were to remain single. There are also great, sometimes heartrending, sacrifices to be made, much courage is needed to fearlessly tread where even angels do not venture, and one needs oceans of faith to persevere especially when all one can see is the uphill climb to the towering peak.

As Father Anthony reminded me today, it is important to have an intellectual framework to guide me forward, especially when I falter, or when my emotions or moods may tell me to give up. Of course he was talking in relation to faith and how, as people, we are quite fickle when it comes to remembering how much we are loved by God, but it is equally important to apply this to one's chosen vocation. Therefore to know how, why and what (and all the other questions in between) made me choose marriage is important to help me maintain my focus and vision.

Father Raniero Cantalamessa wrote in his Lenten homily (fourth Sunday)* two years ago that marriage is where man and woman begin to live out a radical form of humility:

To open oneself to the opposite sex is the first step in opening oneself to the other who is a neighbor until we reach the Other, with a capital letter, God. Marriage begins with a mark of humility: it is the recognition of dependency and thus of one’s own condition as a creature. To fall in love with a woman or a man is to make the most radical act of humility. It is to make oneself a beggar and say to the other, “I am not enough in myself; I need you too.” If, as Friedrich Schleiermacher believed, the essence of religion consists in the sentiment of dependence on God (Abhängigkeitsgefühl), then we can say that human sexuality is the first school of religion.

Marriage is the icon or "reflection of the covenant between God and his people" because it is meant to "characterize God’s attitude toward Israel" and stresses the "value of mutual love, faithfulness, and indissolubility." In Father Cantalamessa's words, marriage mirrors the covenant God made with each one of us, and if we are married, then we get to live out this covenant with God through our daily interactions with our better half. Given how different we are as man and woman, oodles of humility are required to live out the reality of marriage.

It was through my asking the Lord how do I love you more intimately and serve you better that I met and married P. Thus, always coming to a deeper understanding of marriage as God created it to be is necessary for me to live out my marital vows in an improved manner all the time, making all the necessary hard choices, and discarding any precious sensitivities along the way. Marriage calls for me to dig deeper and give more all the time, without ceasing.

When two people love each other—and the strongest example is the love of a man and a woman in marriage—they reproduce something of what occurs in the Trinity. In the Trinity two persons, the Father and the Son, in loving each other produce (“breathe”) the Spirit who is the love that unites them. Someone has defined the Holy Spirit as the divine “We,” that is, not as “the third person of the Trinity” but as the first person plural. It is precisely in this way that the human couple is the image of God. Husband and wife are in fact one flesh, one heart, one soul but are diverse in sex and personality. Unity and diversity are thus reconciled in the couple. In this light we discover the profound meaning of the prophets’ message about human marriage: it is a symbol and a reflection of another love, that of God for his people. This symbolism was not meant to overload a purely earthly reality with a mystical significance. On the other hand, it is not merely symbolic but instead reveals the true face and ultimate purpose of the creation of man as male and female.

I was struck when I read the description above of how the divine can be imbued into our very humanity, our earthly union, and I have to concur that this does happen (I can only give thanks that I have sailed though marriage thus far, knowing it is not by my might but purely by His alone) if we continue to love and honour Father and Son with all our hearts, minds, and strength. And our collective love for God has yielded an amazing love for each other. P and I have been blessed with some kind of wonderful in our marriage.

Whenever my very human fears touch me and I feel so insecure such that I grasp greedily for love; whenever I find myself struggling to accept love from P although it is precisely what I want and need from him; whenever I experience deep hurt and wish to retaliate in kind; whenever I feel weary and disheartened to the point of giving up, whenever I find it hard to forgive or to let go of contentions; whenever I come up empty or am at a dead loss; whenever pride rears its stubborn head and I insist on my way and my independence; it is at these junctures that Jesus, my perfect Bridegroom, comes to transform my human foibles and failings into something quite beautiful, most mysteriously, if I but surrender to Him.

All that He asks of me is to dare to be vulnerable and open, and to live authentically who I am, as He has taught me to live these last 15 years. Nothing changes even though I am now married. And although I love P with all my heart, I must remember that: We were not created to live in an eternal relationship as a couple but to live in an eternal relationship with God, with the Absolute.

What I now have with P is but a "certain foretaste of infinite love", a reminder of where I come from and where I am headed. What we have is good is because it speaks of God's love in so many ways, drawing as we do from the Spirit's inspiration. So P and I must keep relying on the gift of the Holy Spirit who gives us the graces and the capacity to keep making a gift of oneself to the other. It is from the Spirit that "generosity" is constantly born, and the capacity for "self-forgetfulness and service to life" is rekindled.

Thank you, Father Cantalamessa, for such a beautiful reflection on marriage and family. May God's Spirit continue to guide P and myself, today and every day.

* To read the entire homily, go to: https://zenit.org/articles/father-cantalamessas-4th-lent-homily-2016/

Open your heart

Yesterday at mass Father Sam reminded us that we are mid-way through Lent and he asked us to reflect on how our Lenten season has been going thus far. Are we on track, or have we already deviated from what we set out to do at the beginning of Lent?

For this year, I only had one thought, and that was to be open to God speaking in my life, to listen and to respond in such a way I would come out of Lent more entrenched in God's love, and consequently be more able to act in ways that are truly His ways.I want to know exactly what to say and do at any moment in time so that integrated in thought, word and deed, my life becomes His light to the world. It is a lofty aspiration and calls for much divine grace. But this is precisely what Lent is all about, to return to Him so that I can be more and more like Him. The prescribed ways of prayer, fasting and giving alms have actually helped me.

Although I haven't been so religious about fasting from food, I have tried to maintain a fast from apathy. Given that I am constantly physically tired which makes me edgy and more self-centred as self-preservation mode kicks in very strongly, I wanted to come out of myself and be there for others. I would say I have been quite sensitive to the needs of others and in bringing His love to others. However, it also comes, at times, with a huge price.

Opening one's heart to God and others requires humility, the humility of a humble(d), contrite heart. It calls for the ability to see where I am wrong in my thinking and change my ways. It calls for me to come out of my comfort zone and stretch spiritually. It calls for me to recognize and acknowledge my own poverty, my limitations, weaknesses and sins, and to rely totally on Jesus to get me where I need to go so as to align myself completely with Him. Imago dei.

This upcoming Sunday's Gospel talks about how God has planted His law into our hearts and we no longer need people around us to teach us. A well-formed conscience is one of the gifts of loving and following Jesus. I would say I know pretty much immediately what is right and wrong, what I ought to do and what I ought not to do. However whether I do what I ought to do with good grace is another matter altogether.

During these last weeks I have had to struggle and wrestle with doing the right thing. I have had to come face to face with my poverty, my uncharitable thoughts and emotions, my meanness, and I have had to ask Jesus to purify them so that I can do the right thing exactly as a Pharisee would do it with precise and practical actions, and to do it with the right heart and motive, exactly how Jesus would do it purely out of love and compassion, and with great sensitivity. The purification process has largely been through my increased prayer life, where I have received insight and moral strength.

So Lent has been quite a tumultuous journey emotionally thus far. It has also been a great journey for I have seen changes in myself. I have been able to take on the words of others - even though I argue as if I am right, I do listen as if I am wrong - and applied the necessary humbling changes to self. What's been nice is that others have corroborated the changes. Encouraging.

So I celebrate my Lenten journey and I exult as yesterday's psalm exhorts me to do. God is good and He made me to be like Him, good. In the coming days I will continue to open my heart to Him and let Him mould me as He wills.

Pondering the mysteries of marriage

I was just sharing with my SD that men and women have such different points of view and, sometimes, we don't seem to understand each other very well no matter how hard we try. Having said that, I am perfectly fine that P and I may, from time to time, agree to disagree. I also accept that some of his actions may be baffling to me, and vice versa, but I am happy to live with the mystery.

Because I know who P is, and I know he would never knowingly hurt me, that he loves me with a generous, caring and compassionate love, these little things, although irksome, deeply vexing on occasion, are par for the course. Let the frustrations go, it is not worth holding on to any one for the good things are really, really good, and we should, instead, hold on to those things.

Men and women are hardwired differently and we each have our own strengths and weaknesses that can be quite gender specific. Plus, there are times when what matters a lot to me does not seem to matter to him, and what he deems as important may not have the same priority with me. As my SD said, there is no answer to the question why, and we each simply have to trust - trust that we each have each other's back, and trust that we each desire the good of the other in a selfless way.

Here is where the complementarity of the sexes comes into play if we allow humility to fertilize the marriage. We each bring different things to the table, and we can help each other parlay our weaknesses and limitations into strengths. When we are open to new things and new ways, we may discover richer ways of doing things together. We can help each other moderate our excesses, and we can smoothen out the rough edges of each other's personalities.

All this can happen only if we are sensitive*, loving, caring, trusting, forgiving, and when we don't stop attempting to give the best of ourselves to each other. To quote the words of Pope Francis, we should daily build bridges of understanding, not walls. And when there is no understanding, the bridge is simply made strong by the mystery of a committed, empathetic and persevering love.

While I know I am still in the honeymoon stage of my marriage, I don't believe it has to end. My prayer is that I will never lose my sense of delight and wonder when I gaze at P for I want to look at him with the same brand of tenderness 20, 30 years down the road. Perhaps I am a romantic but I do believe it is possible as long as if I gaze at him with the magic eye as Brother Dominic calls looking through the eyes of Jesus.

I am not suggesting that all this takes place without sacrifice and pain, challenging times, or sustained effort. As I told P over last weekend, marriage is my cross, but I said it with joy for it is a cross I bear with reverence and pride, knowing it is a priceless gift from my Heavenly Father.  Marriage is my path to holiness and P will lead me to heaven. Likewise, I hope to do the same for him. In the meantime, we must be content with experiencing heaven on earth. As of now, I could not ask for anything more.

*  My SD says we need to hunt for the treasures of knowing what the other needs and wants and fulfil those needs and wants.