Is marriage difficult? That's a definite yes. It is difficult in the sense that there are more complexities, fiendish algorithms to consider and juggle, and one has much less control over one's life than if one were to remain single. There are also great, sometimes heartrending, sacrifices to be made, much courage is needed to fearlessly tread where even angels do not venture, and one needs oceans of faith to persevere especially when all one can see is the uphill climb to the towering peak.
As Father Anthony reminded me today, it is important to have an intellectual framework to guide me forward, especially when I falter, or when my emotions or moods may tell me to give up. Of course he was talking in relation to faith and how, as people, we are quite fickle when it comes to remembering how much we are loved by God, but it is equally important to apply this to one's chosen vocation. Therefore to know how, why and what (and all the other questions in between) made me choose marriage is important to help me maintain my focus and vision.
Father Raniero Cantalamessa wrote in his Lenten homily (fourth Sunday)* two years ago that marriage is where man and woman begin to live out a radical form of humility:
To open oneself to the opposite sex is the first step in opening oneself to the other who is a neighbor until we reach the Other, with a capital letter, God. Marriage begins with a mark of humility: it is the recognition of dependency and thus of one’s own condition as a creature. To fall in love with a woman or a man is to make the most radical act of humility. It is to make oneself a beggar and say to the other, “I am not enough in myself; I need you too.” If, as Friedrich Schleiermacher believed, the essence of religion consists in the sentiment of dependence on God (Abhängigkeitsgefühl), then we can say that human sexuality is the first school of religion.
Marriage is the icon or "reflection of the covenant between God and his people" because it is meant to "characterize God’s attitude toward Israel" and stresses the "value of mutual love, faithfulness, and indissolubility." In Father Cantalamessa's words, marriage mirrors the covenant God made with each one of us, and if we are married, then we get to live out this covenant with God through our daily interactions with our better half. Given how different we are as man and woman, oodles of humility are required to live out the reality of marriage.
It was through my asking the Lord how do I love you more intimately and serve you better that I met and married P. Thus, always coming to a deeper understanding of marriage as God created it to be is necessary for me to live out my marital vows in an improved manner all the time, making all the necessary hard choices, and discarding any precious sensitivities along the way. Marriage calls for me to dig deeper and give more all the time, without ceasing.
When two people love each other—and the strongest example is the love of a man and a woman in marriage—they reproduce something of what occurs in the Trinity. In the Trinity two persons, the Father and the Son, in loving each other produce (“breathe”) the Spirit who is the love that unites them. Someone has defined the Holy Spirit as the divine “We,” that is, not as “the third person of the Trinity” but as the first person plural. It is precisely in this way that the human couple is the image of God. Husband and wife are in fact one flesh, one heart, one soul but are diverse in sex and personality. Unity and diversity are thus reconciled in the couple. In this light we discover the profound meaning of the prophets’ message about human marriage: it is a symbol and a reflection of another love, that of God for his people. This symbolism was not meant to overload a purely earthly reality with a mystical significance. On the other hand, it is not merely symbolic but instead reveals the true face and ultimate purpose of the creation of man as male and female.
I was struck when I read the description above of how the divine can be imbued into our very humanity, our earthly union, and I have to concur that this does happen (I can only give thanks that I have sailed though marriage thus far, knowing it is not by my might but purely by His alone) if we continue to love and honour Father and Son with all our hearts, minds, and strength. And our collective love for God has yielded an amazing love for each other. P and I have been blessed with some kind of wonderful in our marriage.
Whenever my very human fears touch me and I feel so insecure such that I grasp greedily for love; whenever I find myself struggling to accept love from P although it is precisely what I want and need from him; whenever I experience deep hurt and wish to retaliate in kind; whenever I feel weary and disheartened to the point of giving up, whenever I find it hard to forgive or to let go of contentions; whenever I come up empty or am at a dead loss; whenever pride rears its stubborn head and I insist on my way and my independence; it is at these junctures that Jesus, my perfect Bridegroom, comes to transform my human foibles and failings into something quite beautiful, most mysteriously, if I but surrender to Him.
All that He asks of me is to dare to be vulnerable and open, and to live authentically who I am, as He has taught me to live these last 15 years. Nothing changes even though I am now married. And although I love P with all my heart, I must remember that: We were not created to live in an eternal relationship as a couple but to live in an eternal relationship with God, with the Absolute.
What I now have with P is but a "certain foretaste of infinite love", a reminder of where I come from and where I am headed. What we have is good is because it speaks of God's love in so many ways, drawing as we do from the Spirit's inspiration. So P and I must keep relying on the gift of the Holy Spirit who gives us the graces and the capacity to keep making a gift of oneself to the other. It is from the Spirit that "generosity" is constantly born, and the capacity for "self-forgetfulness and service to life" is rekindled.
Thank you, Father Cantalamessa, for such a beautiful reflection on marriage and family. May God's Spirit continue to guide P and myself, today and every day.
* To read the entire homily, go to: https://zenit.org/articles/father-cantalamessas-4th-lent-homily-2016/
As Father Anthony reminded me today, it is important to have an intellectual framework to guide me forward, especially when I falter, or when my emotions or moods may tell me to give up. Of course he was talking in relation to faith and how, as people, we are quite fickle when it comes to remembering how much we are loved by God, but it is equally important to apply this to one's chosen vocation. Therefore to know how, why and what (and all the other questions in between) made me choose marriage is important to help me maintain my focus and vision.
Father Raniero Cantalamessa wrote in his Lenten homily (fourth Sunday)* two years ago that marriage is where man and woman begin to live out a radical form of humility:
To open oneself to the opposite sex is the first step in opening oneself to the other who is a neighbor until we reach the Other, with a capital letter, God. Marriage begins with a mark of humility: it is the recognition of dependency and thus of one’s own condition as a creature. To fall in love with a woman or a man is to make the most radical act of humility. It is to make oneself a beggar and say to the other, “I am not enough in myself; I need you too.” If, as Friedrich Schleiermacher believed, the essence of religion consists in the sentiment of dependence on God (Abhängigkeitsgefühl), then we can say that human sexuality is the first school of religion.
Marriage is the icon or "reflection of the covenant between God and his people" because it is meant to "characterize God’s attitude toward Israel" and stresses the "value of mutual love, faithfulness, and indissolubility." In Father Cantalamessa's words, marriage mirrors the covenant God made with each one of us, and if we are married, then we get to live out this covenant with God through our daily interactions with our better half. Given how different we are as man and woman, oodles of humility are required to live out the reality of marriage.
It was through my asking the Lord how do I love you more intimately and serve you better that I met and married P. Thus, always coming to a deeper understanding of marriage as God created it to be is necessary for me to live out my marital vows in an improved manner all the time, making all the necessary hard choices, and discarding any precious sensitivities along the way. Marriage calls for me to dig deeper and give more all the time, without ceasing.
When two people love each other—and the strongest example is the love of a man and a woman in marriage—they reproduce something of what occurs in the Trinity. In the Trinity two persons, the Father and the Son, in loving each other produce (“breathe”) the Spirit who is the love that unites them. Someone has defined the Holy Spirit as the divine “We,” that is, not as “the third person of the Trinity” but as the first person plural. It is precisely in this way that the human couple is the image of God. Husband and wife are in fact one flesh, one heart, one soul but are diverse in sex and personality. Unity and diversity are thus reconciled in the couple. In this light we discover the profound meaning of the prophets’ message about human marriage: it is a symbol and a reflection of another love, that of God for his people. This symbolism was not meant to overload a purely earthly reality with a mystical significance. On the other hand, it is not merely symbolic but instead reveals the true face and ultimate purpose of the creation of man as male and female.
I was struck when I read the description above of how the divine can be imbued into our very humanity, our earthly union, and I have to concur that this does happen (I can only give thanks that I have sailed though marriage thus far, knowing it is not by my might but purely by His alone) if we continue to love and honour Father and Son with all our hearts, minds, and strength. And our collective love for God has yielded an amazing love for each other. P and I have been blessed with some kind of wonderful in our marriage.
Whenever my very human fears touch me and I feel so insecure such that I grasp greedily for love; whenever I find myself struggling to accept love from P although it is precisely what I want and need from him; whenever I experience deep hurt and wish to retaliate in kind; whenever I feel weary and disheartened to the point of giving up, whenever I find it hard to forgive or to let go of contentions; whenever I come up empty or am at a dead loss; whenever pride rears its stubborn head and I insist on my way and my independence; it is at these junctures that Jesus, my perfect Bridegroom, comes to transform my human foibles and failings into something quite beautiful, most mysteriously, if I but surrender to Him.
All that He asks of me is to dare to be vulnerable and open, and to live authentically who I am, as He has taught me to live these last 15 years. Nothing changes even though I am now married. And although I love P with all my heart, I must remember that: We were not created to live in an eternal relationship as a couple but to live in an eternal relationship with God, with the Absolute.
What I now have with P is but a "certain foretaste of infinite love", a reminder of where I come from and where I am headed. What we have is good is because it speaks of God's love in so many ways, drawing as we do from the Spirit's inspiration. So P and I must keep relying on the gift of the Holy Spirit who gives us the graces and the capacity to keep making a gift of oneself to the other. It is from the Spirit that "generosity" is constantly born, and the capacity for "self-forgetfulness and service to life" is rekindled.
Thank you, Father Cantalamessa, for such a beautiful reflection on marriage and family. May God's Spirit continue to guide P and myself, today and every day.
* To read the entire homily, go to: https://zenit.org/articles/father-cantalamessas-4th-lent-homily-2016/
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