I don’t know if he loves me, she said of her husband who obviously loved her enough to marry her and have three beautiful children with her. They are still together and he’s an engaged husband and father so yes, of course, he still loves her. Maybe he doesn’t verbalize it, like most men, but his actions show he is fully into the marriage, into her.
What she shared is a question that does go through my mind off and on, and I am sure the minds of women the world over who are in relationships. It can be a real relationship killer for when I asked the same question some months back I was feeling unsure and insecure, a little fearful even. It tends to breed other unhealthy questions such as so why am I working so hard at the relationship when he doesn’t seem to notice or care, should I continue to bother for he clearly doesn’t, how can I make him love me? The hamster wheel spins a little faster.
If I allowed the question to fester, it would change the way I now function and that would not bode well for the relationship. I would descend into a needy and whiny child, constantly demanding proofs of love, and yet, unable to attain satisfaction for very long. I would seek to change him and do things that I swore I would not do in a relationship, that is, to be calculative, transactional, and psycho controlling.
My SD who has counselled many married Asian couples in his time had these words of wisdom to share with me some months back: he will never say those words you want to hear in the way you want to hear them (so stop hankering after the man of the romcoms and K-dramas). SD recommended that I listen with all my senses, my heart, to hear the “words” of love my husband speaks to me. He is right. I am invited to look beyond the superficial, to discount the little things that irritate me or make me unhappy, and to discern the depth of my husband’s love by the things that he does and I simply take for granted. I am reminded to cherish and love the whole package - of who he is and the peculiar circumstances of our lives - to love him for his faults, and not just in spite of his faults.
So he doesn’t switch the lights off... so he’s messy... the bathroom smells because he’s never very accurate... he doesn't talk to me... he doesn't listen to me and he doesn't even know what I like... these are some complaints I have heard through the years of real situations that need to be taken within context and dealt with accordingly. We can begin with ourselves first, to see if the complaints are valid.
Besides letting go of my preconceived notions of what marriage should be like, I know I need to work on my own insecurity that links directly to my own sense of self-worth. Marriage requires great confidence. What stopped me from spiralling down into insecurity was recalling my own identity.
How could I forget that I was an awesome child of God, that I am a beautiful and beloved bride? Jesus loves me and all those words of affirmation I seek, He gives to me freely. Did I listen carefully? If I did, I would know that I am good and that I am a great wife to my husband for I always try to love him in a self-giving manner.
I may fail to love him in the way he needs to be loved at times, and I can be a thorn in his side occasionally and behave in ways that I am not proud of, but I am lovable and P loves me dearly (I say this with complete faith because I know him enough now to recognize the signs and the unspoken words of affirmation he does drop daily). Likewise, I love him deeply, and I try to honour that love by speaking the unspoken language of love in different ways. Jesus is our conduit, the One whom we view each other through so that we are more loving, forgiving and compassionate to each other.
The truth of the matter is marriage takes work. It can be a grind that zaps our energy and dampens our enthusiasm. And there are many things that distract us from what’s really important. On our own, P and I would descend into mediocrity, and, perhaps, even apathy, but with Jesus and Mother Mary as our unifying forces, we can flow from strength to strength despite differences and hurdles.
So when I do feel low and a little unloved, I run to my perfect Bridegroom and let Him minister to me. His unconditional love heals my wounded soul and brings a wholeness to my being. He restores balance into my inner universe and gives me the necessary wisdom and moral strength to keep on fighting for a good and healthy marriage and family life.
Love in a marriage is often a committed decision rather than an affective state of being so I thank God that thinking on P still makes me grin like the Chesire cat. Does he love me? Yes, he does. I know so.
What she shared is a question that does go through my mind off and on, and I am sure the minds of women the world over who are in relationships. It can be a real relationship killer for when I asked the same question some months back I was feeling unsure and insecure, a little fearful even. It tends to breed other unhealthy questions such as so why am I working so hard at the relationship when he doesn’t seem to notice or care, should I continue to bother for he clearly doesn’t, how can I make him love me? The hamster wheel spins a little faster.
If I allowed the question to fester, it would change the way I now function and that would not bode well for the relationship. I would descend into a needy and whiny child, constantly demanding proofs of love, and yet, unable to attain satisfaction for very long. I would seek to change him and do things that I swore I would not do in a relationship, that is, to be calculative, transactional, and psycho controlling.
My SD who has counselled many married Asian couples in his time had these words of wisdom to share with me some months back: he will never say those words you want to hear in the way you want to hear them (so stop hankering after the man of the romcoms and K-dramas). SD recommended that I listen with all my senses, my heart, to hear the “words” of love my husband speaks to me. He is right. I am invited to look beyond the superficial, to discount the little things that irritate me or make me unhappy, and to discern the depth of my husband’s love by the things that he does and I simply take for granted. I am reminded to cherish and love the whole package - of who he is and the peculiar circumstances of our lives - to love him for his faults, and not just in spite of his faults.
So he doesn’t switch the lights off... so he’s messy... the bathroom smells because he’s never very accurate... he doesn't talk to me... he doesn't listen to me and he doesn't even know what I like... these are some complaints I have heard through the years of real situations that need to be taken within context and dealt with accordingly. We can begin with ourselves first, to see if the complaints are valid.
Besides letting go of my preconceived notions of what marriage should be like, I know I need to work on my own insecurity that links directly to my own sense of self-worth. Marriage requires great confidence. What stopped me from spiralling down into insecurity was recalling my own identity.
How could I forget that I was an awesome child of God, that I am a beautiful and beloved bride? Jesus loves me and all those words of affirmation I seek, He gives to me freely. Did I listen carefully? If I did, I would know that I am good and that I am a great wife to my husband for I always try to love him in a self-giving manner.
I may fail to love him in the way he needs to be loved at times, and I can be a thorn in his side occasionally and behave in ways that I am not proud of, but I am lovable and P loves me dearly (I say this with complete faith because I know him enough now to recognize the signs and the unspoken words of affirmation he does drop daily). Likewise, I love him deeply, and I try to honour that love by speaking the unspoken language of love in different ways. Jesus is our conduit, the One whom we view each other through so that we are more loving, forgiving and compassionate to each other.
The truth of the matter is marriage takes work. It can be a grind that zaps our energy and dampens our enthusiasm. And there are many things that distract us from what’s really important. On our own, P and I would descend into mediocrity, and, perhaps, even apathy, but with Jesus and Mother Mary as our unifying forces, we can flow from strength to strength despite differences and hurdles.
So when I do feel low and a little unloved, I run to my perfect Bridegroom and let Him minister to me. His unconditional love heals my wounded soul and brings a wholeness to my being. He restores balance into my inner universe and gives me the necessary wisdom and moral strength to keep on fighting for a good and healthy marriage and family life.
Love in a marriage is often a committed decision rather than an affective state of being so I thank God that thinking on P still makes me grin like the Chesire cat. Does he love me? Yes, he does. I know so.
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