Spacing out with Jesus

Over the weekend, my community of ICPE Companions met for our annual retreat and it was a huge sacred space where we welcomed Jesus, into our hearts, souls, minds and strengths, our lives, and received much.

We prayed, we listened, we praised, we worshipped, we broke bread together in the sharing of food and lives, we played, we laughed, and we were simply there for each other and God, and in so doing, we blessed each other and ourselves. Even those of us who could not make it were not forgotten and they were swept up with us in our communal prayer.

Besides taking community bond-building and my personal call to another level, it was a huge reminder of how imperative contemplation is for spiritual health. My spirit is bubbling over with joy today and to paraphrase Leonard Hofsteder's pick-up line in The Big Bang Theory, I am snapping, crackling and popping electric all because we sat together and listened to our Lord and our God.

Words are a poor vehicle to describe what I felt, and feel, and yet, they are all I have to share: that Jesus lives and walks among us, and He loves us, me, very, very much. The Good News experienced firsthand is indeed very, very Good.

He died for me so there is no reason to live otherwise than joyously and with vitality for I am redeemed, and thus I can rise up from the ashes of my woundedness, my disastrous past, and even my battle-scarred present, to new life, every new day. And what a life it can be.

The Gospel yesterday from Mark 10:46-52 was germane: If I am bold like blind Bartimaeus, and I can cast aside my perceived treasure (which is more encumbrance) to walk toward Jesus and ask for new sight, then He will respond. The reward is always restoration and a more precise vision and stouter heart to follow Him better.

My commitment to my spiritual growth has been renewed. It is clear that although my life will always be filled with activity, with demands on my time, space to be still, for me to listen to the Master's voice is necessary for emotional health, spiritual maturity and the stamina to keep up with Jesus. So my top priority for the future is to stay joyful by spacing out with Jesus.

Friday special

In the adoration room
Today she turned and smiled at me
Joy lighting up her flawless features
A cheeky sprite in a frothy mood

She was wonderfully made, fearless in spirit
She beckoned me to stay awhile
and play with her in eternity
We joined hands and knitted hearts
Our kindred souls sang as one voice
Of everlasting love, a kingdom found!
Together we sat at his feet the better part
Of the endless golden afternoon.
As we said goodbye we thanked each other
And the one who made it possible
For the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins
All glory be

Remembering her life
It was grand to gather five years on
To give thanks and celebrate her life
Sharing stories dusted with sparkling motes of joy,
Tears of gratitude beading the laughter.
We spoke of love, her tender heart,
How she heard the soft, unspoken cries
And bore them in compassionate hands
She comforted troubled hearts, and calmed
A sea of people for she opened doors that led
To bright futures and infinite possibilities.
There was her legendary hospitality, of course,
Popiah* parties and sumptuous new year spreads.
Tonight we got to sample yet again
Her mouthwatering popiah and yummy kai chok**
Gone but not forgotten, fondly remembered,
Her goodness lives on in those she loved

*  spring rolls extraordinaire
**  chicken congee

Ditching the funeral face with agape

It is not enough that we have the best of intentions towards people, and we sacrifice our own wants and needs in order to show care and concern. If we come across as negative, self-righteous, intrusively domineering, and we are altogether unpleasant to be around, our good deeds are lost, gone with the wind. All people will remember is the foul attitude, and they will turn and walk in the opposite direction when they see us approaching.

But she/he has a good heart! Sorry, that does not excuse the surliness or the caustic tongue. As Pope Francis put it, we cannot proclaim Jesus with a funeral face. Do-gooders, aka good Christians, have to attract people with their joie de vivre. Christ must shine through in their demeanours as well as in their good deeds.

So why is it that active Christians, missionary disciples, have such a hard time exuding sweetness and light as they go about doing good in the world? I have a couple of answers for I find myself guilty of a funeral face more than I would like.

One reason is I try to do too much. Finding the balance will always be tricky, but I cannot let tiredness derail all my good intentions and efforts. Sufficient rest and recreation is key. I must also be clear why I am doing what I am doing and to allow God's agape to flow into my heart when I make those exhausting and hard choices to love - so I can also stop perfecting things and let the Spirit lead.

The following stories from the Bible are cautionary tales and invite us to make the right choice with joy as well. The first is grumbling Martha who seeks redress from Jesus and instead gets told she frets about many things and thus loses sight of the better part (Luke chapter 10), and the other is the parable of the prodigal son (Luke chapter 15) whose elder brother is aggrieved by how their father celebrates the return of this ne'er-do-well brother whereas he has been there all along, slogging his guts out for the family business.

As Father Simon explained last week, the better part of Mary's contemplative attitude did not mean that Martha's active ministry was inferior, far from it. Both are necessary if we are serious about being followers of Christ. We are all called to be like Jesus, contemplatives in action.

What was the issue was that Martha had lost sight of what was truly important as she went about her ministry. She was too caught up in wanting things to be done a certain way, to elicit a certain response from people, that she lost the joy. Martha lost her agape, as did the elder son who himself became a prodigal interiorly in his inability to forgive his brother or to rejoice that his father, whom he loved, was ecstatic.

I relate. A lot. Having a sense of duty, a sense of right and wrong is not a bad thing. It is good to be responsible. I know how to walk the Christian talk. But when I begin to measure others against my own standards of acceptable behaviour, here is where I fall down. It is easy to feel resentment, and even envy, that I am losing out when I serve. Why am I not enjoying myself as others are? I fixate on small things and become small-minded. I compare and I grumble, like Martha.

Or because I have been trudging on for so long, I get a false sense of entitlement. I feel I am better than others, so I have earned the right to look down my nose at those around me, those sorry lot of sinners. I become the elder brother who is furious that his irresponsible sibling is being blessed by their father for doing nothing. And when my siblings actually backslide, or are insincere in their apologies, I go into a rage.

I forget I was a big sinner, like them, and I am still a sinner, even though I live in my Father's home. My Father forgives me every day and my elder brother, Jesus Christ, dies for me, the errant, younger sibling every day. Every day is Christmas, Good Friday and Easter. When I see the truth and open my heart to His agape, then I can live out agape the way He does.

Agape, or love, as Peter Kreeft defined in his essay, Love*, is more than a feeling and it comes from us, actively, by our free choice. And we must choose freely to love the concrete individual; who is often a choice that is inconvenient, stinking and begging.

Agape means we get up close and personal with people who hurt us frequently and disappoint us; who weary us with their inability to change; who have whiny, bitter and childish personalities we may actively dislike, and we accompany them in life, giving support and encouragement. Agape is love that goes beyond worth, beyond justice, beyond reason. It is to remain faithfully loving even in circumstances where there is no perceived discernible positive outcome (this is not an endorsement for co-dependency which is to be avoided). I like what Kreeft wrote:

Love is a flower, and hope is its stem. Salvation is the whole plant. God's grace, God's own life, comes into us by faith, like water through a tree's roots. It rises in us by hope, like sap through the trunk. And it flowers from our branches, fruit for our neighbor's use.

Kreeft goes on to describe how agape must be in spirit:

Faith is like an anchor. That's why it must be conservative, even a stick-in-the-mud, like an anchor. Faith must be faithful. Hope is like a compass or a navigator. It gives us direction, and it takes its bearings from the stars. That's why it must be progressive and forward-looking. Love is like the sail, spread to the wind. It is the actual energy of our journey. That's why it must be liberal, open to the Spirit's wind, generous.

Loving in this fashion is hard, as the elder brother or Martha found out, but worthwhile. I have found what Kreeft said to be true: When you give yourself away you find that a new and more real self has somehow been given to you.

So what really is the better part? How does it help us return to our Father's house when we stray? It is being able to say to Jesus in wonder and gratitude thank you for loving me so much. I don't know why you do, but, thank you. You make me feel special and I want to spread that special to someone else for something so precious has to be shared with everyone I know. I agree to be that little pencil in your hand, please use me as you will... Let agape flow and joy bring us home into the Father's embrace.

*  http://www.peterkreeft.com/topics/love.htm

In death new life begins

A death in the family is always a tragedy. Even if you were not particularly close to the departed, or harboured some ill will towards that person, there is a void in the universe, a palpable change, that affects you personally, and the family dynamics around you.

There are different ways of dealing with the loss. Some choose to ignore it, denying that this particular person has any influence on their life whatsoever, whether alive or dead.

Then there are others who let the grief turn inward. They bury it deep down and allow it to implode and emerge in anger and bitterness to the rest of the world, often targeting family members in explosive ways.

Grief takes on many forms and faces as well. For within the grief there is a complex mixture of sadness, regret, anger, remorse, emptiness, fear, bitterness, despair, relief and guilt, and so much more. All these very powerful emotions need to be acknowledged and processed, if not, we will remain forever stuck. And they will return and bite us later, causing us to behave in ways we least desire.

Often we grieve for 'selfish' reasons. It is our personal loss that concerns us. We can no longer see and interact with this person. There is a black hole of missing within us. Our chance to be loving and caring towards this person has disappeared. We can make amends no more, to right the wrongs we should've acted on earlier. While all this is normal, we can learn to look outward and parlay the grief into blessings of joy.

One way that works me is to honour that person by becoming a better person myself. All the qualities I admire in that person I can seek now to embody. I renew my efforts at being loving, caring, forgiving and less touchy. I become more committed to losing my baggage and, consequently, I am able to free myself from the chains of past hurts and resentments more quickly.

This is how in death there can be new life: the departed by his or her absence becomes a visible sign of redemption in the world because I choose to be life-giving. I can make reparation for my past failings by making good now, paying it forward and crediting the departed for my achievements.

It is no accident that I am connected by blood to the people who are in my family, immediate and extended. Instead of judging and complaining about their perceived shortcomings, and using this as an excuse for my own malaise and uncharitable impulses, I should try harder to see them in new ways and relate to them in new ways.

Change is possible for all things are possible with God. I have seen it happen these past days and I am awed by just how loving and merciful God has been during this time of bereavement.

My Third Aunt's passing has given me new insights into my family and my own immaturity in dealing with family. I am humbled by how it is only in her dying that I have come to see a different personality emerge, my Third Aunt's true self, uncontaminated by family history.

She had a big heart for the less privileged and fought for the underdog. She was unceasing in her efforts to reach out to others and help those who needed some form of assistance that she could render. As Father Simon declared during her funeral mass, Mother Mary would snap at Saint Peter to quit looking at my aunt's report card to assess her and offer her immediate access through the Pearly Gates for she is a shoo-in.

Thank you,Third Aunt, for the honour and privilege of accompanying you in your last days, and thank you for blessing the family with your deepest desire, unity. Thank you for loving me all these years and beyond. Even today, you have blessed me with your love. I was amazed, and I am grateful.

Thank you, Abba, for the gift of faith in my family for without it, we would all be lost.

Rest well, Third Aunt, and I hope to be just like you when I grow up. 

Roses for my aunt

She lived her life with no apologies
For her bluntness or her convictions.
She was an original - one of God's most favoured.
Prickly yet tender, calculating yet incredibly generous
She had passion, vision, and a great love 
For God, Mother Mary and Truth.
She wanted to change the world and she did
Made it brighter, funnier and warmer for many
Even as storms often followed in her wake.
She was loved for who she was 
A compassionate and giving woman 
Nurse, teacher, cook, storyteller,
Mother and true friend to those in need.
She could be tough to love
Harsh in her words and ways,
Quick-tempered and impatient,
Her heart of gold lost in the darkness 
All is forgiven in the crucible of mercy.
You are, now and forever, His radiant bride
Mary Cecily in the eternal, enjoy the ride.

Contemplating Teresa and Thérèse

A few of us (ICPE Companions and W2W Ministry sisters) were involved in the Carmelite Prayer Concert celebrating the fifth centenary of the Discalced Carmelite foundress Saint Teresa of Avila who was born in 1515. We performed in sign language to the beautiful lines penned by Saint Teresa and transformed into song lyrics by John Michael Talbot:

Christ has no body now but yours

No hands, no feet on earth but yours

Yours are the eyes through which He looks

With compassion on the world

Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good

Yours are the hands,

With which He blesses all the world.

Yours are the hands,

yours are the feet

yours are the eyes

You are His body…

I really enjoyed performing to such meaningful words yesterday afternoon, such a powerful reminder for me. Then today we celebrated the feast day of Saint Thérèse of Lisieux who is the patroness of my parish church. The two Teresas, Saint Teresa of Jesus and Saint Thérèse of the Child Jesus and the Holy Face, or Saint Teresa of Avila and Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, are two saints I admire greatly for being women who lived out their feminine sensibilities to the fullest and inspired so many with who they were, whether alive or dead.  

Both were strong women, wilful in their youth but such giants in their spirits as adults, single-minded in their devotion to Christ. They also underwent trials: physical illness, personal tragedy (both lost their mothers at an early age), rejection and persecution, and yet, this did not change them, they continued to be true to God, and remained joyful and loving women. They were both fearless, even in the face of hostility, and humble, ever conscious of their sinful natures.

The longer one walks with Jesus, the easier it is to get complacent and to develop blind spots and become vain, wearing one’s goodness like badge. Prayer can become routine, and even being good can become so facile that we operate on cruise control and stop truly listening to Jesus and going where He goes. We do our own thing, we chart our own course. We become like the rich, young man, unwilling to step out of our comfort zone. We become missionary disciples on our own terms, picking and choosing what we want to do, discarding the uncomfortable and unappealing. We stop losing our lives to gain new life.

I am ever fearful that I take Jesus for granted, and I stop trying my best to be like Him, and in so doing, I stop becoming. I stop journeying in a meaningful way, and maybe even walk away from Jesus. Because of how far I have come, I know how to be good and I can put on a good performance effortlessly. It is at this point that I stop being honest with myself, and with Jesus. Here is where the enemy can enter and wreak havoc for I have stopped trying to be a better person, to be the real me.

I know I will always have blind spots, but I also know I can rely on the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth, assuming I ask for His opinion and listen in earnest. This is why both Saints Teresa and Thérèse encourage me. They both made time to contemplate their actions daily, to seek God in the silence of their hearts, and they listened with child-like humility and sincere contrition. In so doing they were able to deal with darkness in their time and circumstance by shedding light, and bringing so many to Christ.

Saint Teresa and Saint Thérèse, help me always to believe, as you did, in God’s great love for me, so that I can be His hands and feet in the world, bringing His healing love to all.

Roman holiday

After Malta, I effectively spent four days in Rome with three full days of sightseeing. As I had never been to Rome I was excited and much looking forward to it. I was not disappointed. The churches were incredibly beautiful and the saints were thrillingly inspiring. The cherry on the cake would've been to attend a Wednesday audience with Pope Francis but he was busy wowing Cuba and America. Such is life.

A took such good care of us (I had a different beer to try every night) and we were so blessed by God's generosity that I had the most amazing, albeit exhausting, vacation.

So what is God saying to me in this Roman holiday (E's favourite question)? There are a couple of things, chief among which is He is truly my soul and sole provider, no one else could love me as unconditionally and generously.

I have awesome sisters in community, sisters who are a joy to hang out with, and who inspire me with their deep and radical love for Jesus. The fellowship has been delightful, thank you, A and A, and thank you Father Francis for making Assisi so special, a mini pilgrimage of sorts.

Life will not be without its sacrifices, struggles and tragedies (as evidenced through the lives of countless saints), and yet, it can be achingly beautiful, joyously sacred and  overwhelmingly good. So I just have to keep leaning on Him and His grace.

It was short, intense and just perfect.
Sunny skies with a touch of rain
Roma rich coffee and luscious gelatos.
We traipsed all over the city, Ams and I
Oohing and aahing at the glorious architecture
Of basilicas, catacombs and the Vatican...
The saints were our best friends
Whom we visited with eagerness:
Saints Peter and Paul, Catherine, Sebastian
and John Paul II, please pray for us!
Not forgetting Clare and Francis in Assisi.
The wood of the manger, the nails of the cross,
Holy steps, Spanish steps, the footprints of Christ,
Quo vadis Domine?
There was the Pantheon, the Coliseum, the Trevi
A race by the Circus Maximus before we got lost
In the beauty of the Trinity on the hill,
Plus all three levels of Santa Maria Maggiore.
We gatecrashed mass in Saint John Lateran
Saluted the empty balcony in Saint Peter's Square
Took a selfie with the Holy Door ahead of time
We ate, prayed, and had a lovely time,
Filled with laughter and l'amore di Dio
What was the highlight, friends want to know?
It was the silent, still pauses in between.

Lessons in Malta

C once said to me I do not ask for gifts from God because I am afraid of getting them, then I have to use them. I thought she was nuts until my recent trip to Malta where together with about 120 others I celebrated Institute for World Evangelisation ICPE Mission's 30th anniversary.

It was an anointed time, so blessed, meeting old friends, making new ones. I was enriched by the testimonies and teachings of so many that it will take me some time to digest everything properly. Having been given so many gifts, I am now called to embody the shared wisdom. I must deal with challenging situations I am faced with upon my return with a new level of maturity. Must I? Really? I can see now why C didn't want spiritual gifts from God.

Putting aside my facetiousness, I thank and praise God for giving me the tools to be a better missionary disciple, to be a better person really. What does this mean?

For me, it is to walk with conviction and joy, praising Him and giving Him glory even in bad times and impossible situations. It is the personal choice to trust and lean on Jesus (thank you Father Martin) so that I can perceive reality with more clarity, and not just through the fractured lens of my brokenness. It is the ability to receive healing and acquire true vision, and a heart that is totally for God; through Him, with Him and in Him, in unity with the Holy Spirit.

I am inspired to become more prophetic and to say yes wholeheartedly to Jesus when he tells me I can change the world through you if you are willing not to take the credit (thank you Bruce Clewett).

I am reminded that in a world filled with darkness I need to be an icon of patience, hope, humility and joy in order to usher everyone through the door of faith into the life of God (thank you Father Geno).

I must not forget to bring the oil of gladness to others, clothed in my mantle of praise (thank you Archbishop Scicluna) and to exalt Father God always, who, in turn, will exalt me as He exalted His Son who died on the cross to exalt Him (thank you Cardinal Turkson).

To follow Christ involves carrying the cross as He did, and even being crucified on it as He was, so this reflection by Father Frank is one I take to heart closely:

*  We will always be tempted to avoid carrying the cross, so we must stay sensitive to the movement of the Holy Spirit to recognize temptation when we see it, and work against it.

*  We can never be certain of what the future holds, only hindsight offers 20/20 vision, so it's vital to keep moving ahead on faith, persevering even when circumstances are bleak and hopeless.

*  It is necessary to carry our own brother or sister in ministry. As good as we are in ministering to others, we must do the same for those in our communities and families. It is hardest to love those nearest to us, who can be constant thorns in our sides, and who show up our weaknesses and flaws all too easily, but they help sanctify us the most. The seeds of mercy, forgiveness and generosity reside within these relationships.

*  With the cross there is always resurrection, that is its beauty. It is the promise of redemption fulfilled by Jesus dying on the cross. So no matter how torturous our crosses may be, we can cling to them with love and hope for what will follow will be far greater.

Thank you, Anna and Mario Capello, for giving us the ICPE Mission DNA of worship and evangelization. Thank you both for your faithful journey from inception till now, and beyond. May God bless you both and the ICPE Mission as we all work as one, united community to bring glory to God, our Father.

Becoming a missionary disciple

It was an old, wooden cross 
worn with age, dusty, chipped in places
no longer appealing in its weatherbeaten facade.
One day there was a loud crack 
as a deep crevice ran down its face 
exposing a grievous wound.
It's broken now, quite useless,
fit to be thrown into the bonfire
thought the priest - it cannot be salvaged.
But heeding an inner whisper
he called the craftsman in to see
With his UV light, the master came,
poring over carefully the body he saw otherwise
such ancient beauty wrought by prayerful hands
There was gold beneath, artful and precious
it was magnificent, a breathing masterpiece
suffocated through years of callous living
waiting quiescently to be restored
to sing out once again the joy the creator felt 
as he glorified God by answering his call. 
Deep calls unto deep so dive into the deep
the Spirit invites us to see beneath 
the impression of every encounter
the mask of every person to discover the gold
the priceless image of God that lays hidden
under the thick patina of lies and worldly distortions.
Lech-Lecha, God's call to Abraham was this:
Go, leave the place you are now residing
Go within, and journey toward yourself
Go for you!
Unless you do, you will remain forever stuck
a missionary, an NGO, who journeys long and hard
bowed under the weight of stone baggage 
but who never arrives at your desired destination
unable to truthfully praise and thank God 
no authority, no authenticity, in your actions
just rigid and controlling meanness
a priest or prophet with spiritual bad breath 
a shallow soul without nobility
There can be no ministry without contemplation
you cannot know the Lord's heart
His desires for you without wiping 
bitter tears off His feet, breaking 
the jar of past hurts and disappointments,
and anointing His feet with the perfume 
of your miserable, worthless past
allowing Him to wipe your tears,
heal the wounds with His mercy and love
He will go with you where He calls you
if you let go of your life and let Him restore you
breathe new life into your being
Glorifying you as you glorify Him.
The journey is long, the journey is hard,
it is also impossibly beautiful, and good,
a joy to behold: for you, for others, and for God
Lech-Lecha!

NB Thank you Father Martin Cilia for sharing how we as missionary disciples should live the inner journeys and outer pathways of our lives.

Holy indifference

Holy indifference, the preacher said,
First and foremost is to be
in right relationship with God
To know who you are in the world
who and what you stand for
even when facing the guillotine
you stand fast, upright and unafraid
singing Salve Regina with your last breath
as the blade descends on skin and bone
Holy indifference is a love that bleeds
a heart on fire for God, the Almighty
moving, living and being only for the Lord
die, die, must follow Jesus!
you shed tears, copious and unceasing,
allowing yourself to be crucified
especially by your nearest and dearest
people you draw into your heart
just as Jesus drew you into His
Holy indifference is to live as a witness
joyous even in the hurricane
waiting out the storm patiently
dead certain that Jesus is in the boat with you
you steer with hope-filled tenacity
eyes and heart wide open to His Word
holding tight to His outstretched hand
humbly deferring to holy direction
going wherever you are led, in Spirit
Holy indifference is to be a missionary disciple
to do as Jesus did, every day
living an ordinary life that
speaks of God's extraordinary promise
in every human encounter
it won't  be easy, it will be uncomfortable
yours will be a voice lost in the wilderness
but as you lose your life you will know
Eternal life is yours, today and every day

With thanks to Father Geno Sylva for inspiring us at ICPE Mission's 30th anniversary celebration in Malta.

Lawful living for joyful living

How do we know that we are living out the Law as it should be lived? It is when we are loving, we are understanding, and we are full of joy, not just towards ourselves, but also towards our families and our communities. Thank you, Monsignor Vaz.

T1is Sunday past was a meditation on allowing the Law* to guide us to love and life (Deuteronomy 4:1-2).

 ...accept and submit to the word which has been planted in you and can save your souls. (James 1:21)

Psalm 14 tells us saying yes to Jesus means walking without fault, acting with justice, speaking truth from the heart... doing no wrong to your brother, casting no slur on your neighbour, and keeping your pledge come what may.

While James goes on to tell us:

Pure, unspoilt religion, in the eyes of God our Father is this: coming to the help of orphans and widows when they need it, and keeping oneself uncontaminated by the world.

As good Christians, we all know what we must do. Often, we are contaminated by our own selfish desires, and we choose the more convenient path or the easier walk, and we find excuses not to do what we know we should.

I find myself often ignoring the small, inner voice that tells me what I should be doing instead of indulging my own fancies. Yes, I work hard, yes, I do a lot to serve the Lord, yes, I am a good person who helps others, but there is also a bunch of stuff that takes me great effort to do, so I tend to leave that in a pile, for later. I procrastinate. And procrastinate. And never get round to doing most of it... It may be too late, if I am not careful.

One such instance is my Third Aunt. I have been meaning to visit her and see how she is, but because where she lives is a little out of the way, inconvenient, and I am never very sure of a warm reception, I have used work as an excuse to put off seeing her. She is currently quite ill and I am filled with remorse that I have neglected doing what my heart told me to do months earlier.

Thus I find myself making amends by visiting her frequently this period and trying my best to make her feel comfortable (and loved, hopefully). I can only thank God I am not too late.

If I am merely motivated by my guilt conscience then I will find the task onerous and I will be like the Pharisees who cling to human tradition and pay lip service in worshipping God, my heart not truly in what I do. (Mark 7) I will not bring comfort and joy to her, nor to myself, but only a grim, duty-bound and joyless satisfaction to us both.

The only way I can keep my intentions pure - I won't lie, I do feel physically and emotionally drained (it is very hard to see her suffering so) - is to keep offering every visit up to Jesus and allow myself to be His hands and feet. His glory, not mine.

Being good, living by the Law and delighting in it, may seem a contradiction in terms, but it isn't, unless I choose to make it so. It is not always the natural choice, the yes that rolls off the tongue lightly, but it is always the right one. More importantly, as I keep internalizing the Law, writing it on my heart, I feel a lightness of being which can only come from living as I was created to, fully engaged in the world, vitally alive.

We are all created to be good so being good feels good. Don't buy into the world view that feeling good can only come from self-serving, pleasure-seeking ways, leading you to disregard and disparage 'killjoy' commandments. Live lawfully and you will find yourself in the presence of the Lord, genuflecting with great joy.

*  Readings are taken from the 22nd Sunday in Ordinary Time, Year B.

Guard your heart

I was recently involved in two weekend retreats for Nativity church and the final message to retreatants was the same at both: guard your heart.

Whenever we experience inner healing, breakthroughs and profound insights into our lives that can help us grow; impacting our spiritual journeys in a significant and positive manner, the enemy is always waiting to snatch the truth away from our hearts.

Anything that brings us closer to Jesus is taken away, if we are not careful, and we quickly revert to old ways of thinking and acting. The devil likes us lukewarm in our convictions, stagnant in our spiritual lives and not very committed in our relationship with Jesus.

One of the oldest tricks in the book is to keep us believing in the lie I am not good enough and therefore let someone better than me do something for God, I better stay out of it and do nothing. This is where we are often attacked.

I cannot believe how rapidly the joy and elation I felt last Sunday afternoon dissolved into tears that evening when I came face to face with a barrage of lies hurled at me in a phone conversation. I doubted my own goodness and I questioned the value of my participating in ministry. What's the point when I am such an ineffectual and useless human being?

Often we emerge from the highs of a retreat, ready to do battle, only to face our lives where nothing has changed. The people who can hurt us the most do continue to hurt us. If we do not hold onto the truths and divine revelations we received, we will lose hope quickly, our enthusiasm fizzles, and like the disciples after the crucifixion of Jesus, we will walk away, go back to our old lives, beaten and discouraged.

We forget all too easily the resurrection, the salient fact that we are already living in God's kingdom as free men and women. We have been redeemed and every day Jesus wants to show us just how much He loves each of us in unique and personal ways. How much more grateful and happy should we be?  Life is to be celebrated and cherished. Our joy is to be shared with others.

Of course our challenges and difficulties do not disappear, neither do our weaknesses, our sinfulness, but our secret weapon is the gift of faith, the size of a mustard seed, which through a persevering and ever-evolving prayer life grows into a huge tree, bringing shelter and life to many.

So exercise the gift of faith: keep believing, keep praying and keep loving yourself and others. The truth is I will never be good enough but His grace is more than sufficient for me. The Lord can use me to move others powerfully, if I let Him. Say yes.

At the recent retreat, we talked about lies told to us as women and how one of the best ways to combat the lies is to know who you are and be centred in your identity. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of this. This, for me, is one of the key ways I guard my heart.

Knowing who I am in God's eyes, His beloved daughter, a radiant Bride of Christ, a beautiful, empowered woman with unique gifts and talents, has gone a long way in helping me build my self-esteem and self-worth. I am no longer as fearful or fussed by what others think of me, as long as I am right by God.

Sometimes my world does get rocked, as it was Sunday evening, but prayer brings clarity and inner peace. The lies shatter in the light of God's love, and the little bits of truth embedded in the lies* help me reflect and aspire to be a better person, grinding away the snarls and jagged edges of my imperfect personality.

Ranked in importance to identity in guarding my heart is knowing my vocation. To know who and what I was created to be helps me live meaningfully and intentionally. When I do my best to live the dream (His plan and purpose for me), I wake up with a strong sense of purpose, and I end my day in tired satisfaction. It can get a bit manic at times, juggling so many balls in the air, and it may not be the easiest course of action in life (it can be humbling and downright painful at times), but letting Jesus steer my course has blessed me abundantly, and blessed others.

If you are still in the process of discerning your vocation, there is one vocation we all share as Christians regardless of our personal gifts and talents and that is to love and serve others in everything we do. We can contribute to building the Father's kingdom wherever we are, broken as we are. It just takes our will to seek God and be His hands and feet.

Every retreat we attend helps us see the face of God clearly, know Jesus, His Son, in greater love and intimacy, and feel His awesome presence in our lives through the Holy Spirit. We get to uncover the lies in our lives and to live the truths with greater resonance and integrity. Make every retreat count. Let it be living bread for the journey as you continue to walk closer with Jesus. Stay close to the source through prayer (thanks to K who inspired me to turn more to our Mother and pray the rosary more regularly), work on your issues and guard your heart from deceptions, lies, and worldly temptations.

*   The most powerful lies are half truths where within the lie is a kernel of truth which could either be personal blind spots that cause us to stumble, especially when we deny them, or cause us to completely believe the lie. 

One true face

Inside of me there are many faces
The shy and tender soul
The bold as brass, hard-nosed cookie
The mille-feuille light, bubbly girl
The weepy, bleeding heart
I can be serious and very responsible
Mother hen loving and giving
Like the girl with a little curl down her forehead
I can also be horrid - a greedy brat
Unforgiving, cold and self-serving
Worse, I can be a goody two-shoes
Decked out in Pharisee tassels
Perfect to the outside world
Quoting Scripture for my own purposes
Nasty mean within four walls
No one could possibly love me, except Him.
Is there one true face?
The me I was created to be
Who is she?
She is the Daughter of the Father
The Bride of Christ
The one in whom He delights
Beloved.
A woman fertile and prolific
Bringing life and light to the world
Transforming hearts, channelling beauty
Exuding feminine genius
A watered garden.
If I keep my gaze on Him
See the me He sees
Then perhaps I can be
Everything He hopes for, and more.

Happy 50th, Singapore

I did not choose to be born here
But God decided that it was good -
That's good enough for me!
His plan and purpose involves
Knowing, loving and serving* the people
Who live with me in this place I call home
Singapura, the Lion City
Where the brave of heart roam, rojak** united.
Regardless of race, language or religion.
It may not be perfect but it is HOME. Truly.
Kiasu*** and kiasi****, safe and ordered
Some say too sanitized, straitjacketed,
Too expensive, material focused on the 5Cs*****
Or is it six now? Full of complainers.
We wouldn't be Singaporean if we didn't grouse.
Lest we forget, we should be proud,
Of how far we've come in just 50 years
Thanks to our indomitable forefathers
Who sacrificed their lives and made it work
From nobody's child to Little Red Dot.
The world sits up and applauds
I do, too.
To give thanks I pledge my best
Majulah Singapura.******

*  Thanks to Derek Chong who is here to do group work facilitation with us 7-10 August. This is my main take-away.
**  a salad
***  competitive
****  afraid to get involved
***** denotes materialism and the pursuit of Cash, Condo, Credit Card, Car and Country club membership
******  Onward Singapore

Kerygma

What is the real truth?
Jesus chose death on the cross freely
So I might live in a garden
Filled with sunlight, humming with life
Rose pink and lavender sweet, 
Softly sighing a jasmine high.
I may not appreciate His sacrifice always, 
But when I do, I am moved to spiritual revolution. 
A new self created in God's way
Of goodness and holy truth.
I walk the way of beauty 
So many can enjoy and come 
To know Him personally 
And find love everlasting, grace infinite,
Life never-ending; a source of hope.
The world can be better, brighter, and lighter,
If you and I hold Him close
And encourage the other to live 
Fully alive in harmony and liberating joy
Freedom never looked so good
I say it again, and again.

NB: Inspired by Ephesians 4:17, 20-24 and Evangelii Gaudium 165.

Of fruit and providence

Did I write earlier that July has been a great month? Well, it is turning out to be one of the most challenging months of the year as well! But through the most gruelling moments I am thanking the Lord for loving me with such generosity. He has truly been showering me with blessings.

I am planning to be in Malta in September, as part of a celebration. My community, ICPE Mission, turns 30 this year, and Malta is where it all began. Initially I struggled with the decision for my financial situation was dismal. I get depressed whenever I think about it for it reflects my poor stewardship all these years, but that's another story.

The sensible thing to do is to skip it altogether, yes? I didn't really pray in earnest for I didn't want to hear a clear go for it from God. Then E messages me one day and asks me to pray about my decision. Long story short: the Father says go, I will provide. And He has.

First, the work came pouring in. I have never had such long work days and weeks but I am not complaining, just dog tired. Then He arranged for most of my accommodation there to be free. I even get to go on vacation after the meeting. What grace!

To show my gratitude, I have said yes to many things that require an ongoing committed and well orchestrated effort to weave the lives of many into my own walk of life. There have been celebrations, outreaches, ministries, sickness, death, loss... I am dead on my feet, in pain at times, but I have never felt more alive and fulfilled than these past weeks. There is great satisfaction in connecting with people in a meaningful way, bringing about positive change and helping them get closer to God.

During our last W2W Ministry meeting D shared about the fruit of the Spirit and it got me thinking how much am I known by the fruit I bear? Am I someone whom people identify with the fruit Saint Paul talks about to the Galatians*, namely love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control?

While there's always room for improvement, I'd like to think I have been producing a fair crop. However, I would like to keep increasing the yield - benefit more and more people. As D shared, the point of cultivating good fruit is so that others can enjoy. To keep the harvest plentiful, there are a number of ways, said D:

God's Word.  If we keep our hearts fertile and rich by delighting in the law as the psalmist recommends in Psalm 1, then we will be able to give glory to God and be a blessing to many.

Meditation.  It is vital to stop and chew on the Word, in order to digest it and internalize it. Meditation allows us to see our actions through God's eyes, and to acknowledge our own sins so as to purge them.

Spiritual discipline.  Abiding in the Lord is a decision and a discipline. We need to expose ourselves to anointed preaching be it at mass or attending talks frequently. We need to pray, worship, meditate on the Word, receive the sacraments regularly; take the time to focus on Jesus and know Him daily.

Obedience.  More than anything else, obedience to the will of God will get us where we want to go. Yielding our flesh to power of the Holy Spirit requires us to acknowledge Our Lord and Saviour in all areas of our lives, to know what actually is God's desire, then to remain faithful in the smallest things, especially when we find it most tedious. 

Through pruning. The only way fruit trees yield abundant crops of bigger, more delicious fruit is judicious pruning. Likewise we must endure the pain of cutting away the dead wood of faults, vanities and weak spots in ourselves.

I can't say I am unhappy to say goodbye to July, despite all the blessings it brought. I can only hope I bring my experiences into the next month and make wiser decisions, and sleep a little more. With that, time to sleep.

* Galatians 5:22-23

Heartbeat

You conceived the idea of me as I am now

Knitting me then in my mother's womb

Day by day I grew

Into Your image and likeness

Though I was not conscious that I had

the seal of Your eternal love on my heart.

You breathed into my lungs

Gave me new life in eternity

I saw you; I knew you and loved you

You were my playmate, my BFF,

In communion, we spent days

Dedicated to laughter and delight.

 

 

But I grew up, walked away and forgot

Believed in sexy credos and magic mantras

That tasted ultimately of ashes

I was starving, miserable and lost

Until I limped home, diminished,

Inside my father's house I came alive again

Feasting on Living Water and the Lamb.

I had to relearn how to count the ways

I love you; with freedom

Dance to your heartbeat,

Make music to lift weary souls

I'm still broken and wounded but I can

Make your heart beat faster

With pride and joy. What joy!

 

Knowing the Father's heartbeat

In my last entry, I wrote that the truth is, I will never be good enough when it comes to ministry. That's okay, for God does not require excellence, as long as I make the effort and do my sincere best. What is needed is a humble heart that knows its own limitations, yet consciously and prayerfully chooses to allow Jesus inside to lead the way. If I cooperate fully with the Holy Spirit, things will turn out just as it should, even when I fall short, and things do not go as I planned them.

I certainly hope so, for I have been feeling completely incompetent and substandard in everything I do lately. Sheer physical exhaustion has contributed to my lacklustre performance. I am so tired that I am not even praying as I normally do. I can only thank God that I am still able to engage in the practice of mindfulness and lean on Him severely when I feel that I have nothing worthwhile to give.

Thank goodness the wisdom and compassion of the Holy Spirit shines through to the people around me (or so I hope) for all I feel inside is emptiness. I am so depleted I am beginning to rely on caffeine to get me through the long days. Desperate measures for caffeine-sensitive me.

Am I doing too much? Probably. And yet, so are all my fellow Companions. Every single one of them is fully engaged in their own personal ministries, giving their best effort unceasingly, not that I am comparing. I just marvel at how everyone is doing what they are doing, and doing it well. I most definitely am not.  

This begs the question why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we push ourselves so hard; engage in so many activities to the point of losing the joy (I teeter on the edge constantly)? As M pointed out last weekend, the meaning of life is God and if I choose to be grateful for this profound truth, I need to express my gratitude 24/7. Hear, hear.

Saint Paul wrote to the Romans in chapter 14, verse 8: If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

This really resonates with me. I really love that I belong to the Lord, made in His image and likeness. He is my Lord and my God. I often doubt Him, as Thomas did, but I also got the wow moment of personally touching His side. There is no turning back after one intimately experiences the goodness of God’s love. I will spend the rest of my life, with His beneficent grace, knowing and residing inside the Father’s heartbeat. There is great peace, abundant joy and deep pleasure in this.

It is not difficult to know what makes the Creator happy, one just needs to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and the many saints who came after Him.  I know exactly what would make Him smile. Be who I am (created to be) and do as He wills: follow the soft promptings of the Holy Spirit, inside my heart, to act in ways that bear good fruit. And if I am ever hazy, all I need do is reflect on the Bible. And, of course, prayer is my trusty compass, while like-minded friends and mature spiritual leaders like my SD are good reference points in knowing what the Lord would want me to do in any given situation. 

Although I struggle to fulfil my commitments some days, and I am exhausted beyond belief, my body protesting quite loudly and unceasingly, I would not have it any other way. Even though I may feel like giving up all the time, I won't, for I know that urging does not lead to life.

Thank you, Lord, for directing my days and my will. May our hearts beat as one - always.  


Clematis 'John Paul II', named after one of my heroes