In my last entry, I
wrote that the truth is, I will never be good enough when it comes to ministry. That's okay, for God does not require excellence, as long as I make the
effort and do my sincere best. What is needed is a humble heart that knows its own limitations, yet
consciously and prayerfully chooses to allow Jesus inside to lead the way. If I
cooperate fully with the Holy Spirit, things will turn out just as it should,
even when I fall short, and things do not go as I planned them.
I certainly hope so, for I have been feeling completely incompetent and substandard in everything I do lately. Sheer physical exhaustion has contributed to my lacklustre performance. I am so tired that I am not even praying as I normally do. I can only thank God that I am still able to engage in the practice of mindfulness and lean on Him severely when I feel that I have nothing worthwhile to give.
Thank goodness the wisdom and compassion of the Holy Spirit shines through to the people around me (or so I hope) for all I feel inside is emptiness. I am so depleted I am beginning to rely on caffeine to get me through the long days. Desperate measures for caffeine-sensitive me.
Am I doing too much? Probably. And yet, so are all my fellow Companions. Every single one of them is fully engaged in their own personal ministries, giving their best effort unceasingly, not that I am comparing. I just marvel at how everyone is doing what they are doing, and doing it well. I most definitely am not.
This begs the question why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we push ourselves so hard; engage in so many activities to the point of losing the joy (I teeter on the edge constantly)? As M pointed out last weekend, the meaning of life is God and if I choose to be grateful for this profound truth, I need to express my gratitude 24/7. Hear, hear.
Saint Paul wrote to the Romans in chapter 14, verse 8: If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
This really resonates with me. I really love that I belong to the Lord, made in His image and likeness. He is my Lord and my God. I often doubt Him, as Thomas did, but I also got the wow moment of personally touching His side. There is no turning back after one intimately experiences the goodness of God’s love. I will spend the rest of my life, with His beneficent grace, knowing and residing inside the Father’s heartbeat. There is great peace, abundant joy and deep pleasure in this.
It is not difficult to know what makes the Creator happy, one just needs to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and the many saints who came after Him. I know exactly what would make Him smile. Be who I am (created to be) and do as He wills: follow the soft promptings of the Holy Spirit, inside my heart, to act in ways that bear good fruit. And if I am ever hazy, all I need do is reflect on the Bible. And, of course, prayer is my trusty compass, while like-minded friends and mature spiritual leaders like my SD are good reference points in knowing what the Lord would want me to do in any given situation.
Although I struggle to fulfil my commitments some days, and I am exhausted beyond belief, my body protesting quite loudly and unceasingly, I would not have it any other way. Even though I may feel like giving up all the time, I won't, for I know that urging does not lead to life.
Thank you, Lord, for directing my days and my will. May our hearts beat as one - always.
I certainly hope so, for I have been feeling completely incompetent and substandard in everything I do lately. Sheer physical exhaustion has contributed to my lacklustre performance. I am so tired that I am not even praying as I normally do. I can only thank God that I am still able to engage in the practice of mindfulness and lean on Him severely when I feel that I have nothing worthwhile to give.
Thank goodness the wisdom and compassion of the Holy Spirit shines through to the people around me (or so I hope) for all I feel inside is emptiness. I am so depleted I am beginning to rely on caffeine to get me through the long days. Desperate measures for caffeine-sensitive me.
Am I doing too much? Probably. And yet, so are all my fellow Companions. Every single one of them is fully engaged in their own personal ministries, giving their best effort unceasingly, not that I am comparing. I just marvel at how everyone is doing what they are doing, and doing it well. I most definitely am not.
This begs the question why are we doing what we are doing? Why do we push ourselves so hard; engage in so many activities to the point of losing the joy (I teeter on the edge constantly)? As M pointed out last weekend, the meaning of life is God and if I choose to be grateful for this profound truth, I need to express my gratitude 24/7. Hear, hear.
Saint Paul wrote to the Romans in chapter 14, verse 8: If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
This really resonates with me. I really love that I belong to the Lord, made in His image and likeness. He is my Lord and my God. I often doubt Him, as Thomas did, but I also got the wow moment of personally touching His side. There is no turning back after one intimately experiences the goodness of God’s love. I will spend the rest of my life, with His beneficent grace, knowing and residing inside the Father’s heartbeat. There is great peace, abundant joy and deep pleasure in this.
It is not difficult to know what makes the Creator happy, one just needs to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and the many saints who came after Him. I know exactly what would make Him smile. Be who I am (created to be) and do as He wills: follow the soft promptings of the Holy Spirit, inside my heart, to act in ways that bear good fruit. And if I am ever hazy, all I need do is reflect on the Bible. And, of course, prayer is my trusty compass, while like-minded friends and mature spiritual leaders like my SD are good reference points in knowing what the Lord would want me to do in any given situation.
Although I struggle to fulfil my commitments some days, and I am exhausted beyond belief, my body protesting quite loudly and unceasingly, I would not have it any other way. Even though I may feel like giving up all the time, I won't, for I know that urging does not lead to life.
Thank you, Lord, for directing my days and my will. May our hearts beat as one - always.
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| Clematis 'John Paul II', named after one of my heroes |
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