In death new life begins

A death in the family is always a tragedy. Even if you were not particularly close to the departed, or harboured some ill will towards that person, there is a void in the universe, a palpable change, that affects you personally, and the family dynamics around you.

There are different ways of dealing with the loss. Some choose to ignore it, denying that this particular person has any influence on their life whatsoever, whether alive or dead.

Then there are others who let the grief turn inward. They bury it deep down and allow it to implode and emerge in anger and bitterness to the rest of the world, often targeting family members in explosive ways.

Grief takes on many forms and faces as well. For within the grief there is a complex mixture of sadness, regret, anger, remorse, emptiness, fear, bitterness, despair, relief and guilt, and so much more. All these very powerful emotions need to be acknowledged and processed, if not, we will remain forever stuck. And they will return and bite us later, causing us to behave in ways we least desire.

Often we grieve for 'selfish' reasons. It is our personal loss that concerns us. We can no longer see and interact with this person. There is a black hole of missing within us. Our chance to be loving and caring towards this person has disappeared. We can make amends no more, to right the wrongs we should've acted on earlier. While all this is normal, we can learn to look outward and parlay the grief into blessings of joy.

One way that works me is to honour that person by becoming a better person myself. All the qualities I admire in that person I can seek now to embody. I renew my efforts at being loving, caring, forgiving and less touchy. I become more committed to losing my baggage and, consequently, I am able to free myself from the chains of past hurts and resentments more quickly.

This is how in death there can be new life: the departed by his or her absence becomes a visible sign of redemption in the world because I choose to be life-giving. I can make reparation for my past failings by making good now, paying it forward and crediting the departed for my achievements.

It is no accident that I am connected by blood to the people who are in my family, immediate and extended. Instead of judging and complaining about their perceived shortcomings, and using this as an excuse for my own malaise and uncharitable impulses, I should try harder to see them in new ways and relate to them in new ways.

Change is possible for all things are possible with God. I have seen it happen these past days and I am awed by just how loving and merciful God has been during this time of bereavement.

My Third Aunt's passing has given me new insights into my family and my own immaturity in dealing with family. I am humbled by how it is only in her dying that I have come to see a different personality emerge, my Third Aunt's true self, uncontaminated by family history.

She had a big heart for the less privileged and fought for the underdog. She was unceasing in her efforts to reach out to others and help those who needed some form of assistance that she could render. As Father Simon declared during her funeral mass, Mother Mary would snap at Saint Peter to quit looking at my aunt's report card to assess her and offer her immediate access through the Pearly Gates for she is a shoo-in.

Thank you,Third Aunt, for the honour and privilege of accompanying you in your last days, and thank you for blessing the family with your deepest desire, unity. Thank you for loving me all these years and beyond. Even today, you have blessed me with your love. I was amazed, and I am grateful.

Thank you, Abba, for the gift of faith in my family for without it, we would all be lost.

Rest well, Third Aunt, and I hope to be just like you when I grow up.