Sad endings revisited

Ever since I was young, I've hated sad endings, whether in real life or fiction. I would take every misunderstanding, every tragedy, every loss personally. To the point of intense sorrow and tears.

Why was Joan of Arc burned at the stake when she was only being truthful, obedient to God, brave and selfless?

Why did To Kill a Mockingbird's Tom Robinson, a good and kind man, get thrown into jail for a "crime" he did not commit, and later die so undeservedly, shot in the back 17 times?

Why did Sydney Carton love Lucie Manette who instead loved and married Charles Damay (I so hate love triangles, too!) and why did Sydney have to die by going to the guillotine in place of Charles in his act of sacrificial love for Lucie?

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why must disease, conflict, disaster, violence and death exist?

Why can't we go back to paradise, post-Fall, especially since Christ has already redeemed the world over 2,000 years ago?

Even today, as an adult, my sense of justice cries for answers when misfortune strikes the lives of people I love, people I know and those I do not know but share the bond of humanity with.

It's hard to retain hope when the world seems impossibly dark, beyond redemption, and the future unremittingly bleak.

My response has always been to fight to believe in better days to come and to try and right the wrong. Or agonize incessantly over the situation and walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

It's only in the past decade that I have learned to let go and let God take over.

After all, I am not the Messiah who has already accomplished His mission. And even though I cannot be in paradise today, I know I will get there when I die (with God's grace, of course).
 
One other notable difference that comes from my renewed faith is that I know that the kingdom of God can be experienced today, and, I can play a part in bringing life to this kingdom. How?

By "renouncing myself" and "taking up my cross". It all made perfect sense to me when Fr. Arro said last Sunday that the act of renouncing was to rid myself of anger, bitterness and hatred, and that of taking up my cross was to love unto death, even when continually and widely rejected and persecuted.

Love translated into acts of compassion, forgiveness, mercy, optimistic hope, radiating joy, tranquility and a deep, steadfast Marian faith.

For what is faith if not a light of love, flickering with hope, in the dark night of suffering?

I can now accept that situations that cause suffering and grief will always be part of life and it is in my loving response that I can make a difference.  

In instances where the situation is beyond my influence, I can pray for grace. I can pray knowing full well that while God did not cause the suffering, He can, like an alchemist, transform affected lives.

Miracles and blessings can emerge just as a desert is carpeted in a glory of brightly hued  petals after the rain.

Sad endings can become triumphs of the human spirit.

Sad endings can be conduits for prodigious change.

Like death on the cross to resurrection, to ascension and a Pentecostal revolution.

I suppose I could be persuaded to see the good in sad endings.


NB: This entry is dedicated to K, may you find the 'bow in the sky in time to come. Hugs.



Mother & child living in a village outside Phnom Penh, rebuilding life after the horrific genocide that swept the capital of Cambodia in the 70s.

Eat to heal

It's just over a month since my surgery and I am still wending my way as judiciously as I can through the healing process. (BTW, for those of you who are wondering, I am cancer-free, PTL!)

It can be frustrating for I am still unable to do normal stuff, nor should I try for fear of doing injury to my body. Recovery is slow and moving at granny speed is tedious but essential.  

Despite all that, I've enjoyed this time of convalescing for Mum has kept me company and I've even managed to teach her how to do a basic stir-fry.

Yes, we have been cooking big time - two meals almost every day. It's a little tiring but eating nourishing, home-cooked food has been vital for the restoration of my health.

It started with my Aunty S., Dad's sister, who came to my home the minute I got home from the hospital and cooked me lunch and dinner for the first week and subsequently popped by from time to time. I am ever-grateful for her love and care when I needed it most. 

She has inspired my taste buds and fired my interest in cooking with more thought put into preparing dishes that are not only delicious but will provide the needed nutrients in a way that goes beyond eating fruit for the fibre and vitamins needed by the body.  
 
Poring over recipes, consulting with Aunty S. and my brother J., I am awed at the level of sophistication the Chinese have in approaching something as fundamental as food.

How each ingredient is carefully selected and painstakingly prepared so that the final dish will be a lip-smacking marriage of flavours, textures and nutrients, designed to bring the body back into balance.

I am still a little lost at the many and complex combination of herbs in the brewing of restorative soups and tonics, but the concept of harmony to ensure health - balancing the yin (cooling*/feminine) and yang (heaty*/masculine) - is fascinating.

It's been great fun re-discovering my Cantonese roots and, of course, I now wish I had paid more attention to what my grandmother cooked, taking notes. Never mind, I still have Aunty S.

For the last seven years, I have been seeking balance and harmony through formation, growth and integration.

Although I've sorted out many answers to the meaning of life and my life, in particular, I am still deciphering my vocation, realizing all the while that it will be a journey of constant change and refinement.

This month of resting, cooking, eating and healing has brought into focus the importance of harmony within the body and it has answered partially the question What next? that I have been asking myself.

The body: restoring it to health when needed, maintaining health and preventing illness. I simply need to explore which What next? now.

Even as I continue to cook, eat and heal first.



* To understand what is meant by heaty or cooling foods, go to: http://ezinearticles.com/?Heaty-and-Cooling-Foods&id=461430

Affirmative action

I will be part of a panel discussion in July on how men and women can celebrate sexuality in such a way that we live lives of abundance and fullness.

So I thought I better start thinking of what I would say as I will be giving my point of view as a single woman.

Whether single, married or in-between (as E. put it today), we all want to be happy, we all want to be loved and we want to be cherished and fulfilled by love.

Seeing as both men and women are created for "marriage", to be perfect foils, bringing out the best in each other by being in a unifying and giving relationship, how can singles, single parents, those who are unhappily married and those who separated or divorced, how can we all achieve a level of fulfillment that is purportedly reserved for happily married people?

I discovered in 2003 I was created for marriage and motherhood. So what did this mean for me, who was neither married nor a mother, and seven years on is still neither?

The epiphany was an invitation from Jesus, to allow him to be my spouse, the man who could give me everything I desired for it was He who put my passions, my desires within me, especially this vocation of marriage and motherhood.

In accepting the unusual invitation - if building a living and intimate relationship with someone who does not have a corporeal presence in today's world of fleshly desires is not unusual, I do not know what is - I have gained the ideal husband and lover i.e. if I keep saying yes to the invitation.

Saying yes is not easy. Neither does it get easier.

I have had to trust with an open heart and singular faith, sailing roiling, uncharted waters I would never have ventured if not for Him.

Fidelity, the uncompromising badge of spousal love, is a full-time commitment even when I don't feel like it, even when I am afraid, uncertain and in darkest despair.

Plus life is hardly hunky dory all the time. There is conflict, trouble, violence, betrayal, sickness, death, tragedy, loss, hurt, abuse, and loneliness.

I sometimes question if it's all worthwhile even when I know, deep in my heart, that it is.

So why do I keep saying yes?

My answer hinges on last Sunday's gospel from Luke: the sinful woman with the jar of alabaster, who enters the room where Jesus is and stands behind Him weeping, then proceeds to wipe her tears from off His feet with her hair and to anoint His feet with kisses and costly ointment from her jar.

Like her, I am a sinner with a less than pristine past. Like her, I am the debtor with the bigger debt to be forgiven and therefore I am the one who "loves more" because I am "forgiven" much.

While I do not advocate the practice of self-flagellation, self-awareness through self-examination is necessary for spiritual and emotional growth and for a healthy conscience to keep operating at optimum levels.

In being able to articulate my sins and to believe I can be forgiven my sins, I am given the peace of redemptive absolution and an ever-growing capacity for love - both to receive and to give.

Thus I am able to live out the fullest expression of my sexuality as woman through this amazing spousal relationship I have with Jesus.

I am loved and cherished as a spouse and mother, and I can love as a spouse and mother. In this ongoing exchange of love, I am fulfilled, as only a happily married woman can be.

All I have to do is say yes, and keep on doing so.

Intimacy's diversity

I just got off the phone from a rare chat with an ex-boyfriend and I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation, as did he, both of us loathe to end the conversation for the strong connection that still exists between the two of us.

We spent an hour pleasantly catching up: what we've been up to and recent events and ideas that have made an impact on our lives.

It was a conversation of shared intimacy, a meeting of minds, that enriched us both while building another cord of warm affection in our bond of friendship.

This is platonic friendship at its best. No expectations. Just simple gratitude for what it is, and for the occasional opportunity where we share our lives with love. 

In today's lingo, "friends with benefits" means a relationship between man and woman with no strings attached or any romantic allusions, but one which  includes sex. An antithesis to JPII's  Theology of the Body for man and woman use each other for selfish gratification without truly appreciating and respecting the dignity of the other.

Conversely what D. and I have is a failed romantic relationship, and a friendship that survives for we also accepted and loved the other for who we were - and we still do.

In mutually respecting the changed boundaries of a platonic friendship, we are both blessed with a hard-to-come-by relationship between the sexes where purity exists in love.

It's this purity I value for it allows me to love freely without wanting more, and my life is enriched, my femininity affirmed, without my dignity being sullied. I am filled without my craving for more.

And I value my worth sufficiently to be able to deal with the sporadic hunger pang in a way that increases my self-worth through the grace of discipline and self-mastery.

While men and women are made for love, the world today has bought into the ideal of love being romantic love, and a crude understanding of sexuality and carnality being bed partners, thereby reducing love into a longed for and prized erotic exchange of bodily fluids.

This belief perpetuated by media, art, music and a "culture of death" leaves men and women starved for intimacy, with very little ability to receive a perceived worthwhile or valued love in any way other than a romantic or sexual liaison. 

Singlehood is seen as the chief reason for loneliness, burdensome, rather that a state of life that can be as fulfilling and enriching as marriage and parenthood.

In Susan Muto's Late Have I Loved Thee, The Recovery of Intimacy, she speaks of the "faces of intimacy"  of being "as diverse as stars, as unique as snowflakes" and quite within reach of every person.

It simply requires us to "listen appreciatively', "to be present to every event" in our everyday lives; for our love for others to be "purified of self-gratifying passions" and to be chaste and respectful; and to cultivate a "poverty of spirit", to "live simply" so that we can "let go of things as final sources of satisfaction" and to "treat things reverently".

These choices, and a  broadening of our definition of love will allow us be open to the ways love and intimacy can touch our lives.

In mundane, ordinary  and diverse ways. Even through perfect strangers and humdrum events.

A single phone conversation.

As I increasingly continue to experience my individual being as someone sacred, unique and loved, I am able to extrapolate my everyday experiences to arrive at the truth that love, and intimacy are very much within my grasp.

Just like today.

And I thank God for friendships with the benefits of purity and freedom.

Life lessons

It's less than a month before my birthday and I enter into a time of reflection. I am probably at the mid-way mark (or hopefully less) in life and it's as a good a time as any to take stock of life and think a little more about what I want to do with the second half of my life.

I especially like Regina Brett's 50 life's lessons* and thought of coming up with a list of lessons culled from the books I've read, movies I've watched, people whose paths have crossed mine and my own life experiences.

So here it is, in no particular order (if I have plagiarized without acknowledging the original source, I beg pardon - please let me know and I will rectify my oversight):

1. Watch what you eat, exercise and (most importantly) sstrrrreeeettchhhh every day - when it comes to good health, prevention is less costly and painful than the cure.

2. Work constantly on boundaries that keep the bad out and let the good in (thanks to Cloud and Townsend).

3. We will always be work in progress so do enjoy and draw pleasure from the journey even as you aspire to reach the destination.

4. Depression is a waste of time and energy - if you don't like where you are, walk away. If you don't like who you are, change. All things are possible with God (to paraphrase the angel Gabriel).

5. Even when you are walking through the valley of tears and misery, you can make it a place of springs (Psalm 84).

6. While it's good to have plans and goals, don't get too bummed out when things don't go your way. Detours can be enriching, plus, His way is best.

7. When you are lost, ask for directions from a higher order. Don't rely on your own efforts and resources when the Holy Spirit can bring clarity.

8. If you know WHO you really are, you will know HOW to make true choices in life and know WHERE you are going. (Thanks to Margaret Silf's Landmarks.)

9. You may not like what lies ahead, but with Jesus as constant companion, you will have fortitude to walk the narrow path - His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9).

10. Healing can only begin when we are willing to face our brokenness and issues  in God's light of love and truth.

11. Look for opportunities to love each day and you will receive love in return.

12. Be still and listen. God speaks in whispers for He wants us to exercise our freedom of will.

13. Don't let guilt keep you standing outside the Father's house. It's harsh out there. Knock and the door will open, with a warm and loving reception (Luke 11:9-10).

14. Pray unceasingly, through every season of life. Every day. Even when you don't feel like it.

15. Ad majorem dei gloriam - let everything you do be for the greater glory of God and you will never go wrong.

16. "We are all capable of great things if we refuse to be defeated by the fear of our own weakness." - Karol. The Pope. The Man.

17. The truth is I am precious, a delight, priceless, beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made because I am made in His image and likeness. So why don't I revel in this truth all the time? I should.

18. If I don't love and respect my own dignity as woman, I cannot love and respect others nor can I receive the love and respect that I should from others. (Read JPII's Mulieris Dignitatem for inspiration.)

19. While talking it out is good for the soul, nothing beats acting on our convictions and living life with no regrets. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

20. If we remain rooted in God (Psalm 1) then we can soar like eagles (Isaiah 40:31).

21. Just do it - even if you fall flat on your face, it sure beats sitting on the sidelines, not participating in life. Besides, the Spirit of God is not one of timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). 

22. Passion and purity are both necessary and inextricably linked expressions of our sexuality.

23. It's important to ask why and seek for the truth with St.Anselm's faith seeking understanding in order to experience God in a very personal way and to be able to interiorize the Way, the Truth and the Life (John 14:6).

24. Cultivate a heart of gratitude and you will never run out of blessings.

25. Suffering can transform us and allow us to express who we really are - a being called to transcendence and redemption. (Read JPII's Salvifici Doloris for insights on the meaning of suffering.)

26. Love and honour your parents on a daily basis for they gave you the very precious gift of life.

27. We can only fill the God-shaped space in our hearts by seeking within (meditate on St. Augustine's Late Have I Loved Thee). Emptiness cannot be filled with "things of the world".

28. If you look for what is Good, True and Beautiful, you will find God.

29. You cannot save the world, so don't even try. Just do what you are called to do - to be a "perfect" witness (Matthew 19:21) - and leave the rest up to God.

30. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

31. Be "the little pencil in God's hand", just as Mother Teresa was, and you can do "small things with great love". - Mother Teresa

32. Always treat your loved ones like gold and never take them for granted. If they take you for granted, let them know gently, even as you forgive them.

33. Speak the truth in love. (Ephesians 4:15)

34. God is all-forgiving and ever-merciful so we should be like Him, especially when it comes to ourselves and our families.

35. Celebrate your feminine genius (JPII), even as you respect your brother's masculine genius.

36. Find the gumption  to walk on water - you won't regret it. It's the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.

37. What you comprehend in your head, you must understand in your heart, if not, it is a truth you haven't yet fully grasped.

38. If you can identify the distortions in your life and come up with counter-logics to deal with them using prayer, stretching and modelling, you will be able to live more fully alive. (John Powell's Fully Alive Experience.)

39. Nurture, play and have fun with your inner child and fulfil her/his needs so that she/he can grow into the woman/man she/he was meant to be.

40. Forgiveness is key to joy and inner peace. Without forgiveness, we cannot grow or move ahead into freedom.

41. In lamenting life's sorrows, we accord proper respect to circumstance and will eventually, with grace, feel God's loving presence in darkest despair. (Thanks to Fr. Martin Cilia's talk on dying and grief.)

42. In times of crisis or desolation, never alter a decision arrived at in times of consolation (from St. Ignatius of Loyola's Discernment Rules).

43. Agere contra - The Ignatian way to act against desolation or the personal inclination to sin and evil.

44. Live in the Spirit and you will bear His fruit (Galatians 5:22) and receive His gifts (1 Corinthians 12:8-13).

45. "... it is cleat that sexuality cannot be separated from love... Man and woman must take responsibility for their relationships and to defend the purity of love and sexuality."  - Karol. The Pope. The Man. (JP II's Theology of the Body proposes exactly how we can achieve this.)

46 "Right is right even if no one is doing it, wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it." - Most recently quoted on the Montana episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations.





* To read Regina Brett's, go to: http://www.cleveland.com/brett/blog/index.ssf/2006/05/regina_bretts_45_life_lessons.html)

Do not worry

It's been great slowing down and just listening to the demands of my body and responding in a positive manner.

When I am hungry (which I am quite a bit, much to my chagrin), I eat.

When I am tired, I sleep.

When I feel up to it, I take slow strolls around my estate with my mother as companion.

I have become more attuned to the rhythms of my body as it follows the sun's progress east to west daily.

The healing process is slow, but sure. Every day I feel a little stronger, but I know not to push it, which is hard for the me who is used to a more rapid pace of life.

Part of the healing process involves pain. As my nerves re-connect, parts of my skin near the wound have become hyper-sensitive, while other areas remain strangely numb.

Strange, sharp pains shoot through my system sporadically and my muscles spasm into life disconcertingly after an uncanny quiescence.

There are days I feel like I've been cut into half and my entire person will never be the same again.

I am bone-achingly tired and feel spent without even doing more than sitting in front of the telly.

But I know I am getting better and this is just something I have to go through.

C. asked if I felt depressed and the answer is no. Initially I just felt too awful physically. Plus, the thing that mattered most to me, my uterus, was still a part of me. That alone gave me cause for celebration. And I am eternally grateful that my deepest desire was granted.

Today S. visited me and asked if I were worried that it could be cancer.

Yes, there is a part of me that experiences some anxiety when I think about it for my fibroid was atypical in appearance. Then again, I told her I didn't think much about it for I would cross that bridge when I came to it.

Matthew 6:34 comes to mind, not to worry about tomorrow for it would take care of itself.

This is how I choose to live my life: one day at a time, taking one step at a time.

The Father knows what I need and I will rely on His love to see me through this period of restoration.

And so, I do not worry.

Coffee strong and good

Just over the last couple of months, three girlfriends of mine suffered sudden and traumatic bereavements in their respective lives.

Then I got to experience just last week physical pain and suffering that I have not been exposed to previously and it was an eye-opener.

In Pope John Paul II's apostolic letter Salvifici Doloris, On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering, the late pontiff states that suffering is "essential to the nature of man".

It belongs to our "transcendence" for we are "'destined' to go beyond" ourselves and we are each "called to this in a mysterious way".

Instead of running away or loathing the reality of suffering, if we are able to find meaning in it (google Frankl's logotherapy) and use it to transform our lives, then suffering becomes a positive thing, a signpost on the road, leading us to our final destination with ever-growing certainty and joy.

There is an classic story of how people react to adversity and suffering - either like carrots, eggs or ground coffee beans boiled in water.

Those like carrots who were firm and strong become soft and weak when exposed to heat.

Those like eggs who were tender-hearted and soft inside become hard-boiled and tough through and through.

Those like ground coffee beans transform the environment around them by releasing an essence that exudes a rich aroma and flavour, pleasing to many.

Thus suffering can be a time of transformation and growth, even as it evokes different responses from different people, making it both a universal and unique experience for each individual.

While each one of us must journey through life bearing our own crosses (albeit some self-manufactured and unnecessary) and work through the difficult times on our own, the comforting thought is we are not alone.

We are never alone, even when we think we are. This has been my experience through these last two weeks leading up to the operation and post-surgery.

The Trinity, Father, Son and Spirit, were there - through it all.

So were my guardian angel, Mother Mary and the communion of saints. It's times like these I truly love belonging to a catholic family! :D

When I felt discouraged or panicked or couldn't pray, someone, near or far, would message me and keep me going.

Or someone would pop by the hospital and literally be a ministering angel, restoring me to health.

I rested well in the knowledge that I had a prayer lifeline in my W2W sisters who had set up an intercessory prayer chain through the high BP, nausea, pain, bleeding, fevers and debilitating state of being.

Every little worry I have had regarding the entire situation, in offering it up I have found that His hand has guided and provided a generous answer.

The question, of course, is whether I allow myself to depend on Him for being weak and humble is... humbling. It calls for my continued obedience, chastity and poverty.

At this point, six days post-surgery, I can only be awed at how everything was taken care of as it should have been and that I had the best of care from all the medical professionals who were in contact with me.

I am profoundly grateful for all my visitors and my prayer warriors who have showed me love and care in a multitude of ways. People who appeared magically when help was needed.

My thoughts on waking two days ago and on feeling myself turn the corner was how truly blessed I was even as I had to "groan" through the last week.

As I look forward to saying yes with a more resounding voice myself and to decocting the brew that God has planned for me (yes I know what this time of rest is to be used for), I am glad for the gift of the Holy Spirit this Pentecost past.

The Spirit that resides within us and helps us "rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" (Romans 5).

It is a hope that does not disappoint, for as Fr. Damian mentioned in his Ascension Thursday homily, we are a people of hope because we know where we come from, we know where we are and we know where we are going.

I would also like to say to my three girlfriends, K., S. and P., know that I love you and will continue to pray that you each experience the blessings that come with suffering, and consequently brew excellent cups of coffee yourselves.

With the help of the Chief Barista, of course.

Womb-inations

The date of my surgery draws near and I have not been doing too well, i.e. I have been stressed, trying to teach as much as I can, acquiring money much like a squirrel gathering acorns just before the winter for I will not be working for a month post-surgery, plus trying to juggle a whole bunch of other stuff - just don't ask me what for I never know where the time goes.

I have not been sleeping well either. In part due to my foot injury from two months ago which has totally screwed up my back and legs from walking around with an uneven gait, and, I think in part due to the stress of the impending operation and the forced recuperation period (and having to switch gears).

The latest manifestation in my body is high blood pressure which is a 'from-left-field' curve ball for I have never had problems with BP, as recent as a month ago, and have always had a tendency towards low BP. So what is it that is causing me so much mental anguish?

On reflection I realize I still find it difficult to let go of certain situations and areas in my life and let Him lead.

The control freak in me cannot deal with the fact that I will be unconscious for two hours while strangers invade my personal space and cut open my body to remove something foreign (the fibroid) and possibly something that is a fundamental part of my womanhood (my uterus).

Every fibre in my body and psyche screams out against the removal of my womb, the seat of my creativity. Yes, there is slight possibility of me using it to give life any time in the future, but I am most partial to my womb, having had it my entire life.

Yes, I can be a mother, spiritually and still be creative and life-giving even without my uterus, and I would still be every inch the woman I am now, but I would know something that was present no longer is and I mourn even the possibility of this scenario coming to pass.

As I write this I recall what John Powell says about 95% of our suffering being neurotic so... I am merely exercising my neurotic bent.

The struggle also comes from the idea of being weak and being the one who has to rely on others, and to receive. I am more used to being the one who gives.

I am the Good Samaritan, not the injured man lying on the side of the road.

It is extremely uncomfortable for me to be the succoured, not the succourer.

Humbling. This stems from both pride and a deep-rooted fear of rejection.

One of my key conclusions after we finished Cloud and Townsend's Boundaries is I am not adept at letting the good in and I guess that there is no time like the present for putting into practice and perfecting an insight that calls for action.

Strange as it may seem (or maybe not so strange given the above insight), it is painful for me to receive love for I can't quite believe that I am worthy of the outpouring of love that I have already been receiving from family, friends and clients.

Am I really capable of inspiring such love? I am always bemused and a little overawed when people say yes so resoundingly.

In this whole experience, I know I am called to trust Jesus even more and to grow in confidence in the truth: that I am precious, beloved and a pearl of great price.

I know that Jesus is with me, and will be with me through it all.

Now I just need to experience this truth in my body and have my blood pressure revert to normal.

Emmaus electric

These past few weeks I realized just how much power words can hold. I have always understood this but did not actually think that words spoken to me when I was a young girl would still impact me today.  

The negative comments, jeers, taunts and labels, the lies that were thrown at me still reside within me, frozen in time, buzzing with life and holding sway over my self-esteem and my psyche.  

So no matter how confident I am now, as an adult, in certain situations, I still react like that young girl who was uncomfortable in her own skin because she believed the negative messages told to her, and that made her feel like she was lacking, a misfit. 

I remain reserved and guarded in my awkwardness, and in the language of Boundaries, I tend not to let the good in, even as I have been quite adept at keeping the bad out (while allowing the bad inside to set up house, so it seems).   

Hanging onto the past is no way to live, especially if it impedes growth and freedom in the present.  

Did Jesus not say “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full”? 

It was therefore no coincidence that I got a chance to go for a weekend retreat at the Major Seminary early April. What was duty and obligation on my part turned out to be a blessing as I had the opportunity to revisit my past and reflect on how I wanted my present to unfold.  

As I rested in the silence spaces of my consciousness, I could feel my heart burning within me, like the two disciples who met and conversed with Jesus on the road to Emmaus.  

At the same time I felt “foolish” and “slow of heart”, like the disciples, for not realizing earlier what was within my grasp all along and what I needed to do to move ahead. 

I am thankful that God is faithful and He never gives up on me. Instead He keeps sending people in my life to serve as prophets, to remind me of who I am and what He desires for me.

Likewise the Fully Alive Experience last weekend as well as the Theology of the Body programme running currently in St. Teresa's every Tuesday evening have kept me alert to His presence and made effecting change easier.

This Easter has emerged as a season for me to let go even more of the past that still resonates in my body so that I can live the Easter promise with resounding integrity. 

May truth always prevail.

Naked with joy

I've been in a blue funk lately for life has not quite been going my way. I sprained my right foot badly which makes walking difficult, even now, over two weeks later.

This frustrates me greatly for it put a brake on my bid this year to get some cardio work into my exercise programme, besides creating tense, overworked muscles on the entire left side of my body.

Then I finally went for all my check-ups and discovered that my fibroid has grown quite a bit in the last 15 months and an operation is highly recommended and in-your-face imminent.

I really didn't need the check-up to tell me that for I could sense the changes in my body and I knew something was not quite right. Although, the check-up does confirm what is the next step for me and it forces me to act. 

This Holy Week past was made more meaningful for me as I catalogued my crosses and my losses, identifying with Christ's Passion, every painful step of the way from Gethsemane to Golgotha.

The over-riding message I got from living through the Stations of the Cross was that Jesus loves me beyond all my sins.

That no matter how far I have deviated from the path I was meant to take and no matter how irretrievable are both the time and opportunity lost to wrong choices in my life, Christ's never-changing, infinite and eternal love is not only sufficient but transformational.

Redemption is always close at hand; if we choose it.

As I acknowledged the pain of my losses, the pain of my frustrations, the pain of letting go of the past, the pain of my shortcomings and physical limitations, and the pain of my all too human nature, I was able to walk, stripped of all pretense, from darkness into light.

My bleak and unadorned grief gave way to naked, unadulterated joy as the power of the resurrection became real and relevant in my life this Easter morning.

While the coming weeks may not prove easy for me, I will hold fast to this joy that welled up, unbidden, from deep within and remember that Christ died and rose again for me - so all is not lost, even when it may seem that way.

He lives again. Today and every day.

Easter's promise

Within my heart there is a room

Filled with the pain of mistakes past.

Choices I made out of fear that

I would never ever find love.

Sorrow shrouds this cell in despair,

Shame of epic proportions kills

Any pinprick of hope that dares   

To fill the space with buoyant vibes.

My soul is beyond redemption.

The plan He has for me is lost

My stupidity is to blame

Can I ever find my way back

To life; the life I am to have?

Is it possible to make straight

My impossibly crooked lines

A barrenness born of missteps?

Sweat drops of blood stream down my face

I am crucified by my self,

My body battered and broken.

Death speaks volumes to my dulled heart.

I know He has forgiven me.

Why else would He die for me?

The question is can I let go,

Forgive – and let Him come inside?

In darkest night there is no light

Within a tomb, shattered dreams lie

So we believe that it’s over

That nothing good can come our way.

We forget that God works in ways

Mysterious and miraculous.

Passion, death and resurrection.

Saved we can live in Easter's might.

Making Lent real

We are mid-way through Lent and I am still trying my best to honour the season while going beyond convention.

Interestingly enough, my biggest weakness decided to makes its presence felt just before Lent began and has been plaguing me these past weeks.

Although my first reaction is guilt, I know enough to dismiss it quickly by acknowledging being tempted and then repenting by offering it up to Jesus and asking to be filled with sanctifying grace.

I think of Paul and his thorn in the flesh, how it was not taken away from him to perhaps keep him humble.  I keep questioning God though, and in seeking for answers, it sometimes leads me to a better understanding of myself and my quest for self-mastery.

I also remember to be grateful for grace that gives me strength to persevere when the going gets tough, something every Christian finds a challenge - to be faithful in all things, in all areas of life, and all the time.

Does it ever get tiring? Of course. That's why we need liturgical reminders like the Lenten season, not forgetting the sacraments (especially the Eucharist), the Word of God, the Holy Spirit and the holy men/women He puts in our lives.

Going for the TOB training at St. Teresa's has been a great way for me to connect back to JPII's gift to the world. Theology of the Body is JPII's answer to how every person can live a joyful and satisfying life - it greatly encourages me with its uniquely rich message.

Just as Lent began, I saw my SD and he offered me an alternative perspective of looking at the three pillars of Lent: 

Alms-giving It's not just about helping the less fortunate with a monetary donation (which is good and right), but it's about giving time to those in need. To be there to listen, and appreciate the person for who he/she is, affirming the gift of his/her existence.   

Prayer is to be available. Lent is the time to be less in the world of more. To take time to reflect on how much Jesus loves us, and not just how much He suffered for us when we meditate on the way of the Cross, and to subsequently reflect this sacrificial love back to others. 

Fasting God is not a dietitian and while the practice of asceticism has its virtue (for if we can master our lust for food then we will probably be strong enough to withstand temptations of another kind), SD instead proposed to fast from activities that keep us busy and take us away from the presence of others. In this, he advised flexibility for success.

Assessing my efforts at the half-way mark, I feel I can do better. At the same time, I recognize that I am not doing too badly for I have been making a conscious effort to be present to God and others, and to give generously where needed.

As for my various lusts, I know I am protected if I seek to assuage my hunger and thirst by dining on living bread and water. I will not go "dumpster diving" out of desperation.

Thank God for Lenten disciplines and the opportunity to make it real.

Life-giving choices

Recently it was Tiger Woods and now more recent and closer to home, Jack Neo. Men who previously had a squeaky clean, family man image, but have now revealed a side to their characters that is less than savoury.

Are they sorry? Of course, as they both stated publicly, but I wonder how much of the remorse comes from hurting a loved one, versus having been found out?

If they truly loved their wives and were committed to showing love in ways that conveyed spousal respect, then surely they would not have strayed in the first place?

Surely they would have better impulse control than a three-year-old and would be mature enough to know that there are consequences to actions?

Even Newton states in his third law of motion: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

What makes such people, especially of wealth, status and influence, think that they are impervious to laws (natural and man-made) that apply to every other human being?

Nothing, as Woods and now Neo, have found out, as have countless famous personalities and politicians who have trod the same road of sexual infidelity ahead of them.

However, we seem to live in a world where most of us rationalize our less than life-giving actions, thinking that as long as we don't get caught, or no one gets hurt, it's fine. Everything is cool.

Marry this attitude with an almost feral pursuit of pleasure and habitually giving in to the allure of instant gratification, and we are living with the consequences of an exponentially increasing number of broken marriages and homes, a rising number of addictions, and an ever-ballooning number of overweight people (read yesterday's The Straits Times report on obesity).

Let's get real. We all live in relationship with others and every decision we make impacts others, especially loved ones, whether directly or indirectly, immediately or eventually.

When we choose to be unfaithful, gorge our way to obesity and its attendant health problems, or engage in behaviour that is compulsive and extreme (be it shopping, drinking, gambling, gaming or working), we will, at some point, reap the negative effects of such behaviour, as will our family and friends, and ultimately society at large

Someone will get hurt. Someone will have to pay for it. Even if not patently obvious, if we sow in darkness, we will not reap fruit of goodness, righteousness and truth (Ephesians 5) in the long run.

Although we have the promise of eternal life, we are each given one life here on earth to live: to be loved and to love, to receive and to give, to be cared for and to care for, to weep and to laugh, and to make something of our lives. We get but one shot in life to make it work.

So we must decide on a value system and integrate this system in everything we do (even the bits we don't like), weaving in our own physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health in our efforts to make effective and enduring our choices and actions.

Don't waste time by being paralyzed by fear, sloth or apathy, or giving in to bitterness, unforgiveness, self-pity and fatalism. Instead, act out of love every single chance you get, and every single day.

Before you embark on an illicit liaison with someone you find attractive; before you indulge in a second helping of delicious artery-clogging fried food that compromises your health; before you allow work to keep you late in the office and stress you out so that you're a grouch at home; stop, think of where your priorities lie and do the loving thing. Not just for your loved ones, but for your own good as well.

As for me, I am finally taking responsibility for my health and going for my check-ups. I am also refraining from eating too much of foods that are not good for me, taking my supplements and exercising to get rid of extraneous weight.

Vanity thus far has not been a successful motivator, so perhaps love of family will be a better one.

Bound by freedom

It was a treat to have dinner with my good friend L. whom I have not seen in about half a year. I love eating with her for she is as into food as I am and has an amazingly discerning palate.

L. has the ability to raise life into an art form by living in the moment and injecting into each instant a fullness that is wonderfully round and transcendent.

Every meal is a celebration whether we were sitting in a hawker centre eating comforting carb and lard loaded Hokkien mee or in some chichi dessert joint alternating between mouthfuls of impossibly smooth araguani chocolate and a citrusy fragrant yuzu sorbet. 

Needless to say we both enjoyed ourselves, feasting on food and thought-provoking conversation. Thanks L., dinner last night was rich in more ways than one.

On hearing about the recent season of death and loss in my life, L. recommended I take a couple of days off to chill on my own and decompress.

While I would like to do this, it is, right now, an indulgence I am not willing to expend much effort and expense on for there are so many things I have going on currently.

Plus, I should be saving up for my big trip scheduled for the end of the year.

She asked me a question on whether I was able to give without going to the extreme, within reason and healthy boundaries, and I said yes, although I do admit it is a struggle at times.

Like how I struggled between being responsible and committed to my Friday meeting tonight or doing something frivolous like going to the ballet (the tickets were for tonight only, with the compliments of J.).

The ballet won out for life's been too intense and sad lately and I needed to do something that moves my soul with its beauty. Giselle was an apt anodyne!

This little time-out is my way of rising above the gravity of recent events and I will continue to look for these creative getaways that can be as therapeutic as a beach holiday.  Well, almost.

I also intend to rely less on mindless activities like channel surfing late into the night to avoid reflective and introspective time alone to process my thoughts and overladen emotions.

Kahlil Gibran's definition of freedom resonates with me and I will endeavour to find the boundaries of freedom in my life:

You shall be free indeed when your days are not
without care nor your nights without a want or a grief,
But rather when these things girdle your life and
yet you rise above them naked and unbound.

Good thing the group is doing Cloud and Townsend's Boundaries over the next two months.

Forty houses

I did not mark the day we met, it was

An ordinary day, like any other day.

I did not think that there would be a way

We would ever become friends - for it was

In disparate worlds that we lived, although

I liked you and what you stood for in life,

Even from the start. It's just now I know

By grace alone you came into my life,

Taught me new ways to love and harness life,

Inspired me to follow you to Cambodia,

To build forty houses was your big idea.

So glad we did it  for it changed my life!

Now that you're gone, the world has lost a light

But your ethos will grow in time with might.

                                  Requiescat in pace 

                                    March 5, 2010

Love comes lately

Love comes lately in ways I do not seek,

Heartwarming and rich, 'though in manner meek.

I am surprised by its intensity,

That I could feel so much, and so easily.

Your face glows kind in the winter sunshine,

As you stretch out your hand, giving me much

Joy, making me feel at home as we dine,

Every meal a celebration as such.

Even in spring when you were not yourself,

You thought of me, despite your failing health.

As we drank in the tulips, I felt myself 

Awash in memories, each one untold wealth.

Thinking of you, tears fall like summer rain.

You will always be my sweet Aunt Lorraine.

Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord

and let perpetual light shine upon her.

Requiescat in pace 

February 23rd, 2010

Death wish

It's been a weird and interesting season for me, the beginning of 2010.

I have encountered death in multiple ways:

1) In January, I was present in the same room as two women (I did not know) as they expelled their last breath and witnessed the anguish of their families, all within a space of two weeks (very, very surreal experience);

2) I journeyed with A. who was part of my Woman to Woman Ministry very closely and was present during her last hours on this earth on February 8th (see Friday Graces and earlier entries in January);

3) I attended the wake of my good friend A.'s grandmother who passed away just before the Lunar New Year;

4) I visited my Aunt L. last September when I heard she had cancer and have journeyed with her in spirit since then as she lived in Melbourne. I grew to know and love her as recently as two years back and I was very upset when I heard that cancer had re-entered her life. Auntie L. passed away just this Tuesday past and I really mourn her leaving but I am glad I saw her last year and got the chance to say my goodbye via email, thanks to my cousin R.; and

5) Today, I found out that my ex-client and a woman I have tremendous respect and love for, Sue Huxley, is dying. Sue has been in a coma these last eight - nine days past. I visited her today regretting I did not call her sooner although I did feel the urge to contact her several times over these last five months, I only found out today about her condition, thanks Lisa, and hightailed to say goodbye to her.

Sue was the reason I went to Cambodia on the house-building project for the Tabitha Foundation*. I have known Sue since 2002, 2003 and every year when she went to Cambodia, I have been fascinated by what she did.

I finally got the opportunity to go with her last year (although I had been saying I wanted to go for the few years prior to 2009) and I had an unbelievably enriching experience.

On hindsight, I realize how privileged I was to go on that fateful house-building trip. I got a chance to see how big Sue's heart was and how she was such an integral part of this particular effort.

During last night's W2W meeting, I reflected on how sacred dying, death was. That it was not something to be feared.

However, mostly we are distracted by pain, suffering, disease and its contingent treatment, and the fear of uncertainty and death.

It's funny for as Christians, we believe in the promise of eternal life, so isn't dying a great thing? Why do we fear it so much when it reunites us with God and those we have lost through the years?

Isn't heaven supposed to be this great place of joy and pleasure that is beyond all human understanding? So why don't we all want to go to heaven pronto?

Perhaps we need to reflect on death more often to internalize the truths we learned as children.

I recall Fr. Martin's words that the dying are God's word to us and we would do well to listen carefully and act accordingly.

Joy and sorrow, life and death, these two pairs come as a package deal, and cannot exist, one without the other.

We would not be able to experience true joy if we have never had an experience of real sorrow.

Likewise, unless we feel "Time's winged chariot hurrying near" and the capricious brittleness of our mortality, we cannot make the decision to live fully. True to who we are.

Therefore, to honour our loved ones who have gone before us, we must live well and live true. To respond to those we love, present and departed, by living with integrity and openness of heart.

What's more, we never truly lose our loved ones to death.

As my SD commented when I told him about Auntie L.'s death, now she knows how I truly feel, for in death, she and I are now in communion without earthly barriers (Aunt L. is now part of the communion of saints) and our love is more perfect than it previously was.

I take great comfort in that thought.

As for death, I recognize its potency without fear, and I look forward to eternally resting in its light.

I celebrate the lives of those who are soon or recently departed, and I thank them all for being a part of my life. They have made it so much richer and they have all helped me become a better person.

My last wish this day is that I do not trivialize the significance and sanctity of death.

* In honour of Sue, a school is being built for children in Cambodia. To contribute to the Sue Huxley School in Cambodia, go to: http://suehuxley.blogspot.com/2010/02/sue-huxley-school-cambodia.html

Fate worse than death

It used to be that a fate worse than death usually meant that a woman was raped or her virtue dishonoured (especially through the loss of virginity), hence she would be better off dead.

This speaks of how chastity used to be prized and that the act of sexual love was something practised mostly in a monogamous, lifelong relationship called marriage. And rightly so.

Not just because it was good as opposed to sinful, but that the sexual act is one of unitive love for humans, and not merely an act of procreation as it is for the animal kingdom.

Made in God's image, it is in this act of love that we, man and woman, can give ourselves to each other selflessly, allowing us to imbue sex with a wealth of meaning beyond obvious physical pleasure, transforming it into a pledge of committed love and fidelity. (Pardon the TOB* soapbox spiel.)

So chastity, outside of marriage was pretty much a way of life for most people until the sexual revolution in the 60s and the eventual growing acceptance of premarital sex.

Chastity today is, sadly, widely perceived as a curtailment of freedom and personal happiness, but I fail to see how sexual freedom has led to happier individuals, harmonious families and stability in social structures around the world?

Just look at the scores of lonely people who engage in unsafe, risky activities, the rise in the number of sex perverts, paedophiles, rape cases, sexual abuse, divorce rates, single parent families, sexual infidelities, broken relationships and diseases related to non-monogamous sexual activity.

Loneliness and/or involuntarily enforced celibacy is ironically the new fate worse than death, often impelling people to go from sexual encounter to sexual encounter, desperately seeking for love to the extent that they lose their sense of self and dignity. Their bodies no longer respected as sacred vessels but common commodities to be traded, with deadly consequences at times.

In a episode of Oprah, it was reported that a man is now behind bars for knowingly infecting at least six (there were many more) women with HIV and other STDs for he had engaged in multiple, concurrent, unsafe, sexual relationships with usually older, divorced women, and we are not even talking about promiscuous women but educated and successful women who thought they were dating this charming, caring man, very often, exclusively.

Sex taken casually can kill.

In an earlier episode, an ageing woman with bleached hair, wearing a tight-fitting top, felt obligated to go to bed with any stranger who bought her a drink all because she was looking for a man who will love and affirm her as a woman.

Then (in another programme) there was this attractive, single mother who had nine children and embarrassed the older ones because all she wore were the skimpiest ("skanky" was what some people who saw her remarked) outfits on a daily basis, convinced that sexy was an aspirational state of being.

In the latter, these two different women clearly did not want to be alone, without a "man", and saw sexiness as the epitome of feminine sexuality that would enable them to use their bodies to win love.

Not altogether an uncommon belief or practice among both sexes today, given popular culture's celebration of the body as a functional means for financial gain, power, status and satisfying carnal desires.

Just a couple of days back, a friend who is in her late 60s shocked and amused me simultaneously when she suggested I compromise my principle on chastity if I sought a lifelong partner. A. really means well for she wants to see me happily married.

I want to see me married, too, but for all the right reasons, and in the proper, i.e., ordered way. That, for me, involves full participation from God in the selection of "the man", and he, the man, must respect my principles and value me beyond my appearance or accomplishments.

Call me anachronistic, dumb, picky or just plain weird, I admit to being all that.

Sure, there are times I struggle with being single.

There are days when even my great relationship with Jesus falls short. There are days I yearn to cleave to ONE man who amplifies my joys and eases my sorrow as we meet life head-on, together. as one single unit.

However, I would not trade in my chosen way of life, my voluntary celibacy/chastity; for first and foremost, it is but a single aspect of my sexuality and does not define my sense of fulfillment as a woman; and secondly, I have not felt as liberated or fulfilled as at present time, when I am able to express myself freely and love fully, growing into my potential as a woman, regardless of my marital status.

This all brings me back to the genesis of this blog entry. A reflection on death that led to curiosity over the etymology of the phrase "a fate worse than death".

Is death that fearsome? And what could be feared more than death, if it is?

For me, many things can be feared more than death, for in itself, death is merely an altered state of consciousness and the promise of a new, joyous and perfectly complete beginning.

But the definitive fate worse than death is the absence of God, in His trinitarian identities, in my life. An existence not graced by faith.

Take it from one who has been there, it can be hellish.

* Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body